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Letting go of hurt and resentment
How can forgiveness bring freedom? Take our online lesson.
Are you suffering in a turbulent home? Talk to a us.

Take the next step:
Letting go of hurt and resentment
How can forgiveness bring freedom? Take our online lesson.
Are you suffering in a turbulent home? Talk to a us.

Take a look at your life. How would you describe it?

Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. If stress dominates your life, you could be looking to move passed those situations. It’s hard to cope with stress when you can’t put the past behind you. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Are you ready to choose a different path?

Jesus came, and died, and rose again to wipe the slate clean. He was scourged, tormented, and finally nailed on the cross for humankind’s sins – this was all part of God’s plan to bring you and I back into relationship with him. God wants to be a part of your life … in fact, not just a part of your life, but wants you to live in full fellowship with Him. Is this the life for you?

God loves you and created you to know Him personally. He longs for you to have the kind of full life you were always meant to have. So why do people not experience this kind of life? People are lost and separated from God, so we cannot know Him personally or experience His love. Because of our sins, we justly deserve judgement. But God provided his Son, Jesus Christ, as the only provision for our sin. He died in our place, then he rose from the dead.

We must individually trust Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord; then we can know God personally, receive forgiveness for our sins, and experience His love: “As many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12)

We trust God through faith. You can trust Christ right now by faith through prayer! (Prayer is just talking with God.) God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. The following is a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I need you. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart?

Are you tired of a defeated Christian life? Take this study.

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13

It opened in theaters recently and my wife and attended the second night. It was an incredible presentation about the horrific consequences of abortion. It affects not only the unborn child and the birth mother but also many other people as well; the movie spells that out so clearly.

The movie is October Baby, a story about a college girl who learns she was the product of a failed abortion and goes in search of her birthmother and her life. Depressed beyond relief, Hannah walks into a catholic church and is confronted with the priest to whom she tells her story.

But he tells her that the greatest need is forgiveness and that because Christ forgave her, she has the power to forgive others and that put a new perspective on her life. I’ll stop there as to not give away the story’s incredible ending. I hope you will go see it, as we need to support Christian movies. Don’t miss it, but Kleenex is recommended.

I believe forgiveness is a choice we make through a decision of our will, motivated by obedience to God and his command to forgive. The Bible instructs us to forgive as the Lord forgave us.

Corrie Ten Boom, a Christian woman who survived a Nazi concentration camp during the Holocaust, said, “Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was you.”

We will know the work of forgiveness is complete when we experience the freedom that comes as a result. We are the ones who suffer most when we choose not to forgive. When we do forgive, the Lord sets our hearts free from the anger, bitterness, and resentment and hurt that previously imprisoned us.

This answer by Jesus makes it clear that forgiveness is not easy for us. It’s not a one-time choice and then we automatically live in a state of forgiveness. Forgiveness may require a lifetime of forgiving, but it is important to the Lord. We must continue forgiving until the matter is settled in our heart.

When we refuse to forgive others we become the prisoner and only Christ-like forgiveness will set us free. Christ forgave me to that I can and must forgive others.

Questions: Do you have someone you need to forgive? How has Christ’s forgiveness impacted your life?

How can we pray for you today?

 He was with me when I admitted, “I’m just tired, you know?”

“I can give you rest,” was his reply – spoken almost as simply as I had spoken of my tiredness. It’s that easy, huh? Everything seems easy with him. The response irritates me because I know I have not gone to him for rest. It’s his only condition – that I go to him.

“You worry.”

“Not really.”

He disagrees. “Sometimes.”

I do worry occasionally. Its as if he hears my thoughts when he says, “Throw all your problems at me.” I can hear a note of compassion in his voice, like he really does care, but I can’t help it when my jaw tightens. The whole thing just irritates me. He’s got this perfect solution to every problem and he even knows my problems better than I do. Do you know how humiliating that is?

It’s quiet for a bit before he goes at it again, annoyingly persistent. “You feel alone, too.” I shoot him a dirty look before he continues, “But you know I will never leave you or forsake you.”

“Stop. Ok? Just stop. I don’t want it anymore.”

“You don’t want it? Or you feel like you can’t do it?”

“I can’t. I just – I can’t meet your standard, you know? Perfection? Like the perfect Christian man standard that everyone throws around, it’s just not me. I guess I’m not cut out for it.”

“It’s not about you.” That one hits home. “My grace is all you need, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.”

Great. My weakness. Rub it in. “Yeah, you know what? I am weak. I suck. Ok? Happy?”

“No. I made you and – ” he slows down and looks at me – “I love you.”

I don’t make eye contact now. It’s awkward. Not because of his insincerity, or even the timing, it’s just that I feel like the bad guy. Here I am pushing when he just wants to be my friend.

“I – I can’t do it.”

“With my strength, you can do all things.”

“No you don’t get it. I’m not able.”

“But I am. And I will bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“But you want to.”

“I do. It’s just… impossible.”

“No it isn’t. You know who I am.” Silence. “Nothing is impossible for me.”

What do I say to that? It’s the ultimate trump card. “Well that’s great. Good for you. What about me? I have decisions to…”

“I will direct your steps.”

I persist. “I’m not smart enough to even know if…”

“I will give you wisdom.”

And He has. I haven’t forgotten where I used to be. I try again. “You ask too much! I can’t manage all…”

“I will supply all your needs.”

He has. He has done it all, right from the beginning. I feel a terrible pressure around my neck and shoulders and in my gut as I realize I can’t forgive myself for this – again.

“I forgive you.”

I rest a moment to reflect on these truths. The dialogue never really ends.

Communication? Money? Sex? For decades these issues have been said to be the top three reasons why marriages fail, and there’s no doubt that many marriages have blown up over these issues. But I feel they aren’t Number One anymore.

My experience is pointing to one growing complication. When you hear it, you won’t be surprised by what is.

Today’s Number One Marriage Killer: Unresolved Past Issues

Emotional baggage. Because it’s often buried so far beneath the surface, it may not seem to have the explosive force of financial or sexual problems. But the reality is it’s a deadly poison that can slowly eat away at a marriage from the inside out.

Everyone of us comes into marriage with a past, a personal history that impacts our future relationships. In fact, everyone comes with various degrees of unhealthiness, unresolved issues and the likelihood of blind spots. For some, it’s scars from phsical, emotional or sexual abuse. For others, it’s regrets surrounding past sexual behaviour. Increasingly, people enter marriage burdened by broken relationships, marital discord, alcoholism or other significant problems in their family of origin. On the flip side, those blessed enough to come from a healthy family often come with unrealistic ideas about what marriage is or what kind of lifestyle they expect to enjoy.

Some of these issues seem on the surface to be more serious than others. But any of them, if left unresolved, can grow and fester. Eventually, that poison permeates the whole person, affecting their freedom and their ability to think clearly, feel healthy and respond normally. That’s when it really begins to do damage in the marriage relationship.

Sometimes we avoid dealing with these issues head-on, thinking, “Well, maybe it’ll just go away.” Rarely does that happen. Time does not heal all wounds unless we take steps to facilitate that healing. So make a commitment to unpack your baggage. The health of your marriage and the balance of your family depend on it.

Face Your Blind Spots

As you begin to take stock of your life to see how your past is impacting your life today, it’s going to require three things: complete honesty, a willingness to go deep, and a trusted friend beyond just your spouse.

We all have a tendency to minimize our faults and problems. We downplay the importance of things that we don’t like, and in doing so we develop blindspots. Unpacking your baggage depends upon your readiness to admit, “I may have a problem here, and I’m willing to look at it.” You need to openly face your issues. The first step to healing is admitting that there’s a problem.

We have to also be brave enough to go below the surface. Maybe you’ve got a temper problem, and it’s very obvious. You’re kicking in doors, and it’s significantly affecting the temperature of your home. Well, the temper definitely needs to be dealt with. But just as importantly, you need to work to discover what lies behind the temper. Why do you so easily lose it? What brings you to the boiling point? What would it take to change your whole demeanor?

This is where the importance of a real friend comes in. By friend, I don’t just mean someone who will affirm us and reassure us that “It’s not that bad.” I’m talking about someone who is courageous enough and secure enough in our friendship to tell the truth: “You know what, Dave, the anger that you have sometimes – do you realize that you’re pretty selfish, you’re pretty preoccupied with your agenda?”

Sometimes we all need a kick to get us going in the right direction, just as we need encouragement when we are growing. Usually, this kind of accountability is best given by someone other than our spouse. It should be a longtime, same-sex friend who has our best interests at heart.

I know there are issues in my life that I just don’t see, and sometimes my wife is not the best person to help me see those things. I value the friends who play that critical role in my life. As Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” Don’t go for flattery. Get a friend who loves you enough to confront you.

Stop Blaming Others

You cannot unpack your baggage without first owning and embracing it. We naturally prefer to blame others. So many people spend their lives saying, “If only my Dad or my Mom had done this…if only this situation hadn’t happened…it’s not my fault.”

At some point you’ve got to take responsibility for what is yours; you have to take responsibility for today. Yes, other people have let you down, and you aren’t responsible for their actions. But you have a choice as to how you react to it. You can let it drag you down for life, or you can use it to grow stronger. You must decide to move on.

We’ve got to get past the blame game because that doesn’t change things. Many marriages are messed up because they’re stuck on the past – stuck on something someone did to them. Make a decision to take responsibility for your life from this time on. Take the initiative in making choices that will improve the situation going forward. Get the help you need. Don’t let yourself be weighed down by other people’s choices.

Freedom Comes from Freely Forgiving

Forgiveness is the critical final step towards gaining freedom from the hurts of your past. You need to come to a place where you let go of hurt that’s been caused.

No matter how violent it was, how deep it was, how prolonged it was, no matter how much affect there’s been on your life, understand that if you do not extend forgiveness, you are the person stuck with the bitterness and revenge. The person who hurt you will not be affected by your unwillingess to forgive them. But your resentment will rob you of the freedom to love your spouse and kids freely. A bitter person cannot effectively love others.

To let it go will not be easy. The person may not deserve it and may not even have asked for it, but you need to extend forgiveness because of what it will do for you. A huge weight will be lifted off your back. In fact, someone said that bitterness is like a knife in your own stomach, and it’s going around and around, carving you up. When you forgive, the knife comes out.

A marriage is only as healthy as the two people in it. How are you doing today? Are you carrying around 100-lb bags stuffed with the hurts and disappointments of the past? Put them down, and you will be amazed at how it lifts your marriage to a higher level.

Whatever your past, God can help you put it behind you for good. Take Jesus up on His promise: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matt. 11: 28-30). “If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:36)

“And they shall rebuild the old ruins,
 They shall raise up the former desolations,
 And they shall repair the ruined cities,
 The desolations of many generations.”
Isaiah 61:4, NKJV

This Scripture really spoke to me this morning as I thought of how so many of us come from places of brokenness, of loss, of deep wounding. We can sometimes wonder if wholeness is a real possibility for us again, or is it just a pipe dream?

I do not believe Jesus is the Author of pipe dreams. Nor is He the author of confusion and the chaos that comes from our addictions and sin and life-controlling problems. But He is the Author of Life, the Author of the rich, eternal, abundant Life that flows forth from within His Spirit and up into our hearts and spirits as He pours His love and hope into our hearts:

“Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” (Romans 5:5, NKJV)

Does this bring you hope today? Hope in your Heavenly Father? Hope in the Holy Spirit, your Comforter? Hope in Jesus? I pray that it does, for the Lord has given us His fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23, NIV84). They are available and accessible to every one of us who believe in Him. All of these things, He showed me this morning, are building blocks on which we can reclaim that which was destroyed in our lives, reconstructing it using the truth, mercy, and grace of Jesus Christ as our Mortar to hold our foundation “stones” together. For He is our Sure Foundation on Whom we are to build our house! He is the One in Whom we can trust to always be there for us, to never abandon nor forsake us:

5 Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!] 6 So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?
(Hebrews 13:5-6, Amplified Bible)

So let us praise the Lord, for He will never let us down, and He is the One on Whom we can depend as we rebuild our broken lives one stone, one brick at a time with Him as the Mortar, with Him as our Strong Foundation, all the while praying for trustworthy brothers and sisters to come alongside us with whom we can pray and in whom we can confide and share our experience, strength, hope, and faith in recovery. Let us tear down our walls of rebellion and pride and shame and build a new and abundant Life with the firm Foundation being Christ Jesus, along with our brothers and sisters in Him.

Lord Jesus, help us to turn to You with deep faith and hope in the promises You give us in Your Word of Truth as we look to You as our Sure Foundation; take us by the hand and guide us as we seek to tear down walls of shame, rebellion, and dysfunction and rebuild the ruins of our former lives that we may flourish in the eternal, abundant Life You have won for us. In Your holy and precious name we pray. Amen.

Questions: Is your past holding you back from a glorious future in Christ? What can you do to help  place your hope in Jesus as your Sure Foundation?

Peace – it’s elusive sometimes, isn’t it?

Are you dealing with any of these issues? Maybe your circumstances concern the loss of a loved one, divorce, separation, depression, addictions, or any number of other things. Have you maintained peace in your suffering?  When we allow the cares and anxieties of life to overwhelm us and we make no time to sit at the feet of our most beloved Lord for intimate conversations, we relegate Him to a waiting room. And our peace crumbles.

But what is peace?

Peace is the tranquil state of a soul, the calm rest in the Lord that brings harmony to the depths of an agonizing heart in the midst of a fiery trial. When chaos invades my world, do I still claim His peace and praise Him? And when the enemy swirls his darkness around me and attempts to discourage or frighten me, do I still trust the Lord? Yes, I do!

Paul said, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs, and don’t forget to thank Him for His answers. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4:6-7 TLB)

Trust begets peace. Total reliance on the Lord carries us through the worst of life’s flames. Isaiah wrote of God’s promise of peace, “You will keep the mind that is dependent on You in perfect peace, for it is trusting in You.” (Isaiah 26:3, Holman Christian Standard Bible)

Are you struggling to retain your heart’s peace? The Bible says God is Jehovah-shalom, the Lord our peace, and Jesus is Immanuel, God with us, always. Therefore, that shalom-peace is always with us.  When you persevere in trusting Him, the Lord will “give you His peace no matter what happens.” (2 Thess. 3:16 TLB)

Where is the peace?

That gift of peace is within us, for Christ “Himself is our peace.” (Eph. 2:14 NKJV) Just as He told His disciples, Jesus tells us, “I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn’t fragile like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” (John 14:27 TLB)

Scripture tells us that “God has called us to live in peace” (1 Cor. 7:15b NIV), to “let the peace of God rule in your hearts” (Col. 3:15 NKJV), and that “to be spiritually minded is life and peace.” (Rom. 8:6 NKJV)

Are you living in peace? Or are there things rolling around in your head and heart making an uproar? Are you sitting at the Lord’s feet or have you put Him on a waiting list?

My prayer for you is this: “I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Rom. 15:13 NLT)

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Can anyone be forgiven?

“Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.” (Luke 11:14)

Imagine you’re doing work on a deck and you fall on a rusty nail. It’s a small puncture but you keep working. Meanwhile, anaerobic bacteria begin to metabolize and cause infection. You don’t treat it and soon you have lockjaw, facial spasms, difficulty swallowing, and muscle rigidity. You start to get full body spasms and they continue for weeks until one day you die… if you don’t treat it.

Sin is the same way. It loves to fester in a grudge. The puss and poison of bitterness will eat away at your soul and enslave you… if you don’t treat it.

But treating it is hard. It’s open-heart surgery. We feel justified in our grudges! We think our bitterness is warranted and our rage is necessary for justice. Justice? Consider our Lord Jesus Christ:

He was crushed for our iniquities.

He took up our pain.

He bore our suffering.

He was stabbed for our sin.

His punishment brings us peace.

His wounds heal us.

We receive unwarranted forgiveness every day. We must also give it. The giving and receiving are two in one. Love God and your neighbor by accepting forgiveness and also forgiving.

Recall the people who have hurt you. Have you forgiven them? Reach back in your memory to your childhood and ask, “Does hate still linger there?”

Don’t listen to the voice that tells you, “Things are fine, let’s move on.” Search your heart. Ask the Holy Spirit to search you as well. Uproot and kill the weeds of hate in your soul and humble yourself before God and man. Ask for forgiveness and be made new right now.

Lord, I understand that my salvation is not fair. You forgave me when I did not deserve it. And so, as I have been forgiven, so I must forgive. Holy Spirit, help me give up my grudge. Draw out the poison from my heart. In Jesus’ name I rebuke the unclean spirits in my heart and confess I have allowed them to fester. I repent and ask that you Lord Jesus to make me new. Cleanse me oh God from all unrighteousness. I trust you to heal and cleanse me and praise you for being the Great Physician. Amen.

“One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: ‘Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!’ But the other criminal rebuked him. ‘Don’t you fear God,’ he said, ‘since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.’ Then he said, ‘Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.’ Jesus answered him, ‘Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.’”  (Luke 23:39-43)

This brief scene at Golgotha can tell us a lot about who Jesus is and who we are called to be.

Who are we called to be? Clearly not the first thief. He rejects Jesus. The pride of life pushes him fiercely from redemption and firmly toward godlessness. However, the other thief understands two things that are crucial for salvation.

First, he knows the problem lies within himself. He rightly diagnoses his situation and proclaims, “We are punished justly.” A proper grasp of sin is the first step toward redemption. After all, we don’t need a savior if there is nothing to be saved from.

Second, he properly understands his need for the person of Jesus Christ. He cries out, “Remember me!” In this cry he acknowledges that Jesus is able to save. By calling on Jesus name, we reveal our trust is in him.

Do we call out to God? Are we able to trace the blame back to ourselves? Can we admit our sin is the source of ungodliness? We must.

And what does Jesus do? He receives our repentant heart and accepts us as we are. He forgives us and gives us hope for a better world.

Jesus, I acknowledge myself as the source of sin and pain in the world. I am fallen and justly punished. I cry out to you for mercy. Remember me, forgive me, and give me hope for a better world. Amen.