What can you do when a friend fails you?

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 5:3,10)

All I heard was yelling.  It was as if my head was submerged under water.  I could hear her speaking to me but couldn’t fathom what she was saying. It felt like I was  going to be sick.  What was she saying? What was I supposed to say? As I stood in my kitchen that day and listened to my dear friend yell at me, I wondered how we could have gotten to this place.

We had been doing life together for about 5 years, my friend and I – having babies, hanging out as families and doing ministry together.  We were the only two women in a world of men and we were allies.  But our roles had recently changed and she did not like the decisions I was making.  We were no longer allies or even friends and my heart was breaking.  Why couldn’t we just work this out?  Why did it have to be like this?  Didn’t she know me well enough that she could trust that I had her best interest at heart? 

I watched as our friendship blew up in my face and could do nothing to stop it.

I met with a mentor as I wrestled through what God wanted me to do in regards to our relationship.  As we were discussing the situation my mentor made a statement I’ve never forgotten.  He said, “What you’re seeing here, Kristi, is the purest form of legalism – she is saying, “it’s my way or the highway”.  God’s answer to legalism is grace.  And I believe God has given you an extra measure of grace to reach out to her and draw her back into fellowship.  But with that grace I believe that God is calling you to take the higher road, to humble yourself and go to her and seek to restore your friendship.”

I remember thinking at the time, “This is completely opposite of what the world would tell me to do.  The world would say, ‘she did you wrong, run as far away from her as possible.  You shouldn’t allow yourself to be treated like that.’” 

But I knew in my heart my mentor was right, that God was calling me to lay down my life for her and to go to her in humility and grace. I wish I could tell you that our relationship was restored but unfortunately it didn’t work out that way.  What I do know is that I did what God was calling me to do even though it was completely upside down from what the world would say I should do. He blessed me through my obedience.

In Matthew 5, Jesus talks about what it looks like to live in His upside down kingdom.  Jesus goes on to say, “But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too…You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’and hate your enemy.  But I say, love your enemies!Pray for those who persecute you!”  (Matthew 5:39-40 & 43-44, NLV)

When we follow Jesus, He calls us to a higher path – a road less followed, a road of radical obedience to His WAY.  The world will tell you that you will be walked on if you do things His way; that you will be trapped and misused, if you hold to that kind of lifestyle. But Jesus says that living in His Kingdom sets us apart and shows the world that we are different!  The truth is that when we live in His upside down kingdom we experience a life of true blessing and freedom.

Father, When you call me to do the unusual, upside down thing, help me to act swiftly trusting that the upside down thing is also the very best thing.  Amen. 

Question: Think about a time when you had to lay down your life in obedience to Jesus that went against your personal feelings. How were some ways you overcame?

How can you be a better friend? Find out in “The Friendship Reflection” 

“I thank my God every time I remember you…” (Philippians 1:3)

On the first Saturday of this past December, I opened the doors of the kitchen cabinet that is high above all others. In that cabinet I store the red plates and cups that grace our table each Christmas. It is not just their color that makes them appropriate for the holiday season. Almost twenty years ago while living in Germany, a friend called to invite me to travel with her and a few other friends to a famous factory where Christmas dinnerware was manufactured. Unfortunately, my schedule was full for that day, but I asked her to bring back three or four of the less expensive plates and mugs.

A week or so later I opened my front door to see Cathy standing there with a complete set of the deep red dinnerware! Conflicting emotions immediately surfaced: “How absolutely beautiful our Christmas table would look!” And, “There is no way I can pay for all this.” But before the latter words came out of my mouth, Cathy said, “This is my Christmas gift to you.” And so through all these years, Cathy’s generosity has come to mind as I set our Christmas table.

This past December I noticed that the dinner plates were no longer bright and pristine. Surface scratches could no longer be hidden with white dinner plates set atop. It was time to pack up the plates and donate them to the re-sale shop down the street.

Even while twinges of sadness rose in my heart, I was reminded that while things wear out, memories remain. If I found replacement red plates, they would not be the same ones given by Cathy, but her generosity and love would be remembered. The temptation to grasp things is strong, especially in later years when such things seem to be the only tangible evidence of the past. But letting go of things while treasuring memories is a healthy way to live.

Dear Father, Thank you for the gift of friendship. Help me to be a good steward of the people you have placed in my life.  Amen.

Questions: Have you ever received an unexpectedly generous gift? Has God ever asked you to go above and beyond? How did you respond?

Have you ever heard God tell you to talk to someone but fear took over instead? God may be working in your life to reach out to someone who is at his or her rock bottom. You could be the person to change their life – you might even save their life. God can reach our world through you. He has a plan for your life. Do you know what that plan is? Watch the video

Take the next step:
Join the conversation with “Take a Step of Faith” discussion questions
Evangelize? Who, me?
God in every day conversations

1. On the first day of Christmas - Buy your mate one box of their favorite cereal and lace it with lots of “prizes.” Throw in some golf tees, Hershey kisses, toy cars or whatever would bring out the child in them.
2. On the second day of Christmas – Take out your two engraved toasting glasses from the china cabinet and use them. Reminisce about the day you first sipped from them. If you never had any, engrave your own by buying some stencils and etching paste at a craft store.
3. On the third day of Christmas – Have three meals together. You could go all out with breakfast in bed, a picnic lunch and a candlelit dinner. Better yet, spend less time preparing the meal and more time sharing it together.
4. On the fourth day of Christmas – Put the pedal to the metal and four on the floor. Take a peaceful drive for the day. Go to the country, sight see in the city or cruise around looking at Christmas lights.
5. On the fifth day of Christmas – Fax or deliver a photocopy of your five fingers (plus the rest of your hand) to your love at work. Tell them you can’t wait to be together to hold the real thing.
6. On the sixth day of Christmas – Give her a half dozen of her favorite flower – one at a time. Leave one on the pillow, one on her car seat, one at her office, etc.
7. On the seventh day of Christmas – Count your lucky stars by gazing into the  seventh heaven. If the night is overcast, arrange for glow-in-the-dark stars on the bedroom ceiling.
8. On the eighth day of Christmas – Buy an eight- pack of crayons and together design and color a personalized coloring book of happy memories you have shared.
9. On the ninth day of Christmas – Dress to the nines and head out to a swanky restaurant. If a full meal would be too much on the budget, simply go for cocktails or dessert.
10. On the tenth day of Christmas – Massage your sweetheart’s aching shoulders for ten minutes. Throw in a back scratch, a foot massage and a hair brushing if you are feeling extra generous.
11. On the eleventh day of Christmas – Bake him eleven of his favorite cookies (since most recipes make one dozen, these will be bigger than usual – he won’t complain). Stick a wooden skewer through the side of each cookie and then wrap the cookie in a colored plastic wrap. Place them in a box or vase as you would a dozen roses.
12. On the twelfth day of Christmas – Present your sweetheart with a custom made twelve- month calendar for the new year. Use personal photographs or your own drawings to make it unique. Highlight special days for the new year.

One of the most frequent internet searches is people who want help with relationships.

These guidelines don’t tell you to put yourself in harms way, nor to be a “door mat” or not to have any boundaries with those who are manipulative or mean spirited. No – these guidelines give you an attitude of the heart and a way to see yourself as you respond to others in your life.  There are just over 50 of them. Some are repeated, often with a little different direction given as to how to carry it out.

It’s like changing the glasses you are looking through. Often we choose to focus on seeing faults and finding complaints and irritations in another, especially when our hearts have been bruised. These guidelines give you opportunity and insight to change your glasses and see your own heart first as you respond to other person through the lens of compassion and care.

After all, it’s our own hearts that lead us in relationships and it’s our own attitudes that help make the daily rubbing of shoulders pleasant or irritating.

You can never do anything about another person’s responses or attitudes. You do not have the authority to change their glasses no matter how much you try. You can only change yours. Yet in changing the glasses you wear and choosing your outlook and your response, you will find yourself changing and those around you will respond differently as well.

It may be some of the very basic things in these guidelines that you need to begin doing. Waiting for one another before you eat. Being kind. Being tender hearted.

It may be more challenging to forgive another, to not build up complaints in your heart and mind toward another or to encourage and serve another.

These guidelines are all you will ever really need in your home and outside of your home as you navigate the relationships you hold dear. They come from the timeless truth of the Bible, God’s word to us. The best part is that God is the one who can restore kindness and gentleness within our hearts even when we don’t feel like it and can’t muster it ourselves. He is the one who can change our hearts and our minds and pour His love into us so that it can spill out around us.

May I challenge you to take the next 30 days and work through this list one at a time?  Ask God daily to help you specifically change your heart toward the one you find yourself in a challenging relationship with.

You will be amazed at the wisdom and insight you will receive as God’s peace begins to flow in your heart and in your relationship.

THE “ONE ANOTHER”s OF THE BIBLE

Mark 9:50 – “Salt is good; but if the salt becomes un-salty, with what will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”

John 13:14 – “If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet.

John 13:34 – “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.

John 13:35 – “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

John 15:12 – “This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.

John 15:17 – “This I command you, that you love one another.

Romans 12:10 – Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;

Romans 12:16 – Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation.

Romans 13:8 – Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law.

Romans 14:13 – Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this–not to put an obstacle or a stumbling block in a brother’s way.

Romans 14:19 – So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.

Romans 15:5 – Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus,

Romans 15:7 – Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God.

Romans 15:14 – And concerning you, my brethren, I myself also am convinced that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge and able also to admonish one another.

Romans 16:16 – Greet one another with a holy kiss. All the churches of Christ greet you.

1 Corinthians 11:33 – So then, my brethren, when you come together to eat, wait for one another.

1 Corinthians 16:20 – All the brethren greet you. Greet one another with a holy kiss.

2 Corinthians 13:12 – Greet one another with a holy kiss.

Galatians 5:13 – For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

Galatians 5:26 – Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another.

Galatians 6:2 – Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.

Ephesians 4:2 – with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love,

Ephesians 4:25 – Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of  you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.

Ephesians 4:32 – Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Ephesians 5:19 – speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord;

Ephesians 5:21 – and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

Philippians 2:3 – Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

Colossians 3:9 – Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices,

Colossians 3:13 – bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.

Colossians 3:16 – Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

1 Thessalonians 3:12 – and may the Lord cause you to increase and abound in love for one another, and for all people, just as we also do for you;

1 Thessalonians 4:9 – Now as to the love of the brethren, you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love one another;

1 Thessalonians 5:11 – Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.

1 Thessalonians 5:13b – Live in peace with one another.

1 Thessalonians 5:15 – See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people.

2 Thessalonians 1:3 – We ought always to give thanks to God for you, brethren, as is only fitting, because your faith is greatly enlarged, and the love of each one of you toward one another grows ever greater;

Hebrews 3:13 – But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

Hebrews 10:24 – and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds,

Hebrews 10:25 – not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

James 4:11 – Do not speak against one another, brethren. He who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks against the law and judges the law; but if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge of it.

James 5:9 – Do not complain, brethren, against one another, so that you yourselves may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing right at the door.

James 5:16 – Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.

1 Peter 1:22 – Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another from the heart,

1 Peter 4:8 – Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:9 – Be hospitable to one another without complaint.

1 Peter 4:10 – As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.

1 Peter 5:5 – You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.

1 Peter 5:14 – Greet one another with a kiss of love. Peace be to you all who are in Christ.

1 John 1:7 – but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.

1 John 3:11 – For this is the message which you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another;

1 John 3:23 – This is His commandment, that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as He commanded us.

1 John 4:7 – Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.

1 John 4:11 – Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

1 John 4:12 – No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us.

2 John 1:5 – Now I ask you, dear lady, not as though I were writing to you a new commandment, but the one which we have had from the beginning, that we love one another.

Take the next step:

Improve your communication with your spouse
Are you in a complicated relationship situation? Come talk to a mentor.

“God what are you doing?” I wondered.  The house had seemed like such a miracle, and now we were so disappointed.  We said yes to the second house, but were still in grief over the first one.  During that time the movie preview was postponed to 1:30.  At 1:20 my daughter said to me, “Mom lets go to a movie.” I suddenly remembered Courageous and we ran out the door.

I was not expecting the range of emotions that Courageous took me on.  I laughed, (really laughed) I cried (get-out-the-tissues-and-pass-them-down-the-row cried). I enjoyed it and the values resonated deep in my spirit.  Values are very important to me and it was great to see a movie with such a strong message about priorities.

It brought me to tears

At one point during the film my eleven year old asked why I was crying.  (Any parent will understand why I was crying, but it was lost on her.)  I was crying because I love my kids SO much, and because we are SO rich because we have them.  I cried because I miss my son and daughter who live in heaven.  I cried for the reminder to appreciate my family and take seriously my responsibility and to laugh and dance and spend time with them. I cried because no matter where we live we are together and we have each other and THAT is what matters MOST.

I walked out of the theatre with a new perspective.  We already have the thing that is the most important. I was still disappointed to lose the house, but chose to focus with gratitude on the great things about our new home instead.  Perspective can make all the difference.  I have recently learned that if we want to control our emotions we need to control our thoughts.  It sounds simple but is hard to practice.

Courageous reminds us to focus on what is truly important: family, values, integrity.  These are the things that last beyond the moment.  I love my family and if we live in a shack and are safe and healthy, we still have much to be thankful for!

It takes courage to face both the daily things and the BIG things that life throws at us.  This movie features several men who face both the big and small decisions with priorities based on family values.  I was truly moved.

As a Christian who fully embraces the values of the film, I would love to see you all go opening weekend so that we can make a statement that good movies are wanted in our culture.  This movie’s message is SO important for our culture.  The next generation needs parents focused on character, love, integrity, involvement, and time spent together.

Get more tips on how you can be a better father:
Creative Parenting
When Parents Break Your Heart
Could you forgive your daughter?
Courageous: Helping Dads Excel

Courageous is a movie about five police men living with exciting careers and challenges at home.  One of them is moved to improve as a father.  His co-workers are inspired to do the same, and they resolve to be better dads.  But it doesn’t end there.  Life happens, and they have to make decisions – will they be the men of integrity as they promised when it’s hard, really hard?

This movie is exciting, funny, and action filled.  The police scenes will leave you at the edge of your seat.  You’ll roar with laughter and be moved to tears.  The movie portrays all sorts of fathers – fathers who favor one child over another, fathers of teenage daughters with boyfriends, divorced fathers and fathers who want to be better.

The press release for Courageous describes why a movie like this is so important:

Today, fatherlessness in Canada is widespread and its effects are far reaching. Studies show that fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, suicide, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy and criminality. Even in homes where the father is present, he may be struggling with career, life’s purpose or marital issues. Dads are often busy and disconnected. The movie Courageous invites men to make a profound change for the sake of their families, collectively altering the future of our nation as men put into practice what fatherhood should be.

This movie is a must-see for families. In a culture that is becoming more and more desensitized to violence, Courageous adds some sensitivity back.  Take your spouse, buddy, co-worker, brother-in-law, and vow to make a difference in the lives of children around you.  Dare to be courageous – it’s not too late.

Courageous opens in select theatres September 30^th.

Resources available

Resources have been created for small group studies and individual resolutions for men as well as women.  Churches are encouraged to hold small groups and continue the process of fathers building stronger families.  You can find these resources and more at http://courageouscanada.ca/resources

Are you a Dad wanting to make a difference in your child’s life? Get more tips:

Creative Parenting
When Parents Break Your Heart
Could you forgive your daughter?
Courageous

“Pray, then, in this way:
‘Our Father who is in heaven, Hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done, On earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil. [For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen. For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” Matthew 6:9-15

If you constantly struggle to forgive people who have wronged you, you may consider yourself incapable of that kind of forgiveness. Many people are convinced that forgiveness is simply a feeling that can be experienced in the face of conflict. What a faulty understanding! Genuine forgiveness is not a feeling, but an action. If you find it hard to forgive others, the following four guidelines can help:

1. Acknowledge and confess an unforgiving spirit. No, it is not always easy to forgive. We are sometimes the target of tremendously hurtful offenses. However, we are not accountable for other people’s behavior; we are responsible only for our own. God commanded us to be loving, forgiving people. If we are unforgiving, that is our problem and no one else’s – we must repent of this sin and ask God to help our unforgiveness.

2. Release the other person. Make a conscious decision to release the offender in your mind. If you find yourself reliving details of the upsetting behavior, force yourself to stop.

3. Forgive the offender forgetfully. By keeping details fresh in your mind, you trap yourself in a cycle of pain. Choose instead to separate the individual from the painful memory.

4. Forgive with finality. True forgiveness is complete. This means that you cannot “forgive” someone and then continually bring the subject up. Forgive them and move on.

If you’ve been nursing a grudge, pray for the strength to forgive. Then do it!

Question: What kind of actions (or people) are the most difficult to forgive?