Suppose I’ve just taken my wife out on a date, and the next morning a friend asks me what I did last night. Guess my likely response:

• “Oh we went out to the Keg, it was great – I had one sweet tastin’ steak with all the trimmings! It was so good that Rushia tried to steal a piece. No way, all mine. Then we went to a movie – bit of a chick flick, but Rushia liked it. Stopped at Starbucks for a coffee and latte and then off to take the babysitter home…”

• “Man, I just had such a romantic night with Rushia. I took her out for a candlelight dinner. The ambiance was perfect. Casting longing gazes at each other, we nibbled caviar, lost in our love. We were one. Then off to the movie, not one of the best I’ve ever seen, but it didn’t matter – it was just nice to be with her for some uninterrupted, quality time. I feel so close to her now.”

If you guessed “A” give yourself a point. I am a guy, after all. But how would my wife answer? Yep, “B” all the way.

My point? Romance is a vital part of the female persona. Men rarely, if ever, say something like: “Oh, how romantic, ” or, “My ideal woman is a true romantic.” While I really don’t have high romantic needs, my wife does. God created her with that built-in need, and He created me to meet it. So even though romance isn’t naturally a high priority for me, I need to enter into that realm for her benefit. It’s part of loving her sacrificially.

Rest assured, romance can be manly. I love this quote from John Eldredge’s book Wild at Heart: “You were created in the image of God as a man. He intentionally gave you a passionate, wild heart, and He invites you to live out what He meant it to be…a man who’s dangerous in a really good way. Your nature is hardwired with the desire for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.”

And if that isn’t enough to inspire you, take heed: If you don’t romance your wife, someone else will. There are always other guys ready to rescue the beauty. But assuming you’re up to the challenge, here are some tips to start with.

Get a master’s degree in romancing your wife

It would be nice if romancing your special lady were as simple as buying flowers or a box of chocolates. But the reality is that every woman has her own unique tastes, likes and dislikes. Not only that, but even if she does like flowers and candy, you can only do that so often before it starts to get old. Strive for more creativity.

Furthermore, really get to know your wife; discover what ticks her off and what tickles her fancy. A gift that makes one woman swoon may be seen by another as a huge waste of money. One woman’s dream date may be another’s worst nightmare. If you want to make your wife feel loved, communicate your love in a way that she will understand and appreciate.

Okay, maybe your head is spinning after many years of trying to discern what pushes your wife’s buttons. Relax! We can help.  Print out The Romance Questionaire (it will download as a PDF). Write on a card a note that says, “This year I really want to learn how to be a more romantic husband. Can you please help me by answering these questions?”

Trust me; she won’t mind at all.

Don’t re-create the romance wheel

There are two types of creativity – resourcefulness and reproduction. The resourceful guy creates an experience from scratch, tailor-made for his wife. The replica man uses other people’s ideas and makes them his own. You know what they say: steal from one — plagiarism, steal from many – research!

Put forth the effort to be resourceful from time to time. Your original endeavours speak volumes. Also, your unique ideas spell it out – you’re in tune with what she likes.

If the idea of resourcefulness has you sweating bullets, take heart. Some guys are just more creative than others. And even the most imaginative guy would have a very hard time devising a lifetime’s worth of romantic escapades for his wife. So take advantage of what’s already out there. Go ahead and plagiarize!

If you’re planning a nice evening out, there are many packaged deals available, especially around Valentine’s Day. For example, dinner and theatre tickets – notice I didn’t say a hockey game and a hotdog in between periods. The Internet is a treasure trove of romantic ideas – just Google “romantic ideas for men.” For daytrip ideas, check out tourist brochures from your city to discover fun places to visit. If you’re looking for a longer romantic trip, consider a cruise or an all-inclusive resort.

Or, rival Martha Stewart with this creative idea – free of charge! Items needed:

• 1 old rowboat
• 1 piece of paper
• 1 envelope
• 1 pen
• 1 candle
• 1 warm blanket

On a warm summer day write this note: “Meet me at the _________ dock at 10:00 pm.” Put the note in an envelope with instructions to be opened at 9:31pm sharp. Hand it to your wife as you leave the house in the morning, with no explanation.

When she arrives at the dock at 10:00, your ever-romantic self will be waiting in the old wooden rowboat with a lit candle at the bow. Row around the lake in the moonlight, stopping in the middle to drift and chat.

Don’t be afraid to glean ideas from others. In Cyrano de Bergerac (as well as movies like Roxanne and Hitch), main characters sought help from romance experts to help them woo that special woman. Now, I’m not suggesting that you try to deceive her like they did, but there is no harm in getting suggestions and advice from those who may be more creative than you. If you stumble over words, well, that’s what Hallmark is for.

The opportunities are practically limitless. Just make sure, whatever you choose to do, that your focus is on what will make your wife smile – not on yourself.

Seize the romantic moment

While living in Northern Saskatchewan , Rushia and I loved the big, open sky. Sometimes, while driving, the shimmering Northern Lights would suddenly flood the sky. If I wasn’t thinking about myself and getting to our destination as fast and as efficiently as possible, we would take advantage of these unexpected and unforgettable wonders by pulling our car over to the side of the road to watch in awe.

Sometimes romance is like that. It can happen anytime, anywhere, without any planning at all. Those spontaneous moments can be more powerful than thousands of dollars spent on a gift or a trip.

Spontaneity can be as simple as noticing your wife had a hard day – take her out for dinner. Or, if a romantic song comes over the radio, act on impulse and dance together in the kitchen. Make a comment about how great she looks in that outfit. Savour a nice sunset or a starry sky. These moments happen all the time, but usually we’re too preoccupied or focused to notice them.

You don’t always have to be a Casanova, spending hours (and money) plotting the perfect moment. All you have to do is keep your eyes open, watch for opportunities, and be flexible enough to take advantage of them.

Every stroke of romance paints a picture

A single act of romance may seem a little insignificant on its own. After all, how much difference can one bouquet of flowers make in a relationship as complicated as marriage?

Sure, if romance is an isolated event in a marriage instead of a way of life, it might not mean much. But if you are making a consistent effort to make your wife feel treasured, each romantic moment is like a single stroke in a beautiful work of art. The individual brush marks come together to paint a stunning picture.

It’s a picture that tells your wife she is cherished and thought of, and that your marriage is a real priority in your life. But it’s also a picture that impacts your kids. It gives them the security of knowing that their mom and dad’s relationship is solid. It teaches your sons how to treat a woman and give them value. It sets the standard for your daughters, encouraging them not to settle for a guy who doesn’t treat them right. In short, romancing your wife is a critical part of the legacy you will leave for your children.

Check your attitude at the door

I’ve been an athlete all my life, so I’ve heard it said by coach after coach, “Check your attitude at the door.” In a team sport that means it’s not all about me. There’s something bigger going on here, and I need to take the focus off myself and concentrate on the higher goal.

The same thing goes with romance. Our motivation needs to be in the right place. Let me put it plainly: romance is not all about the desired end result (ie. sex). Approaching romance from a selfish perspective is a dead end street.

We need to focus on what we’re giving, not what we’re getting. The objective is not simply to give my wife just enough so that she gives me what I want. When I married Rushia, I promised to put her needs ahead of mine, to love and value her regardless of her response. Romance is part of living out that commitment. As we do that, it will come back to us in many ways, and that’s awesome. But that’s not the primary objective.

Leave what’s behind and move toward what’s ahead

While it’s important to keep things new and fresh, traditions can also bring a sense of romance. Rather than getting stuck in a rut, doing the same thing year after year, find new ways to rekindle or enhance old traditions.

For example, instead of giving your wife a dozen roses every year for your anniversary, give her one rose for each year you’ve been married. Sure, it might get a little expensive when you hit 30 or 40 years, but not only will she love all the flowers, she’ll also be very impressed that you actually remember how many years you’ve been married. (Just don’t get it wrong!)

Also, try something outlandish from time to time. On a recent anniversary, I gave Rushia 100 roses. Yeah, it looked like I got them from a racetrack, but when she read the card listing 100 ways she has affected my life, I was a good boy.

Remember your audience

I already mentioned that I’m an athlete. As you probably know, sports teams carry with them a little tradition called initiation. When a new player joins the team, you welcome them and make them feel part of the group with some sort of ritual. It’s usually all in fun, but occasionally it gets out of hand…as it did on my honeymoon.

My new bride was taking a nice hot shower while I relaxed on the bed in our hotel room. Filled with the wonder and awe that comes with being young and in love, I really wanted to do something to welcome her to Team Klassen – something that would leave no doubt as to how glad I was to have her on board.

I knew just what the occasion called for: an initiation rite! So as Rushia enjoyed her shower, blissfully unaware, I filled up a bucket with freezing cold water. I crept towards the bathroom, congratulating myself and thinking, “She is really going to love this, and she’s really going to feel part of the team!”

I reached over the top of the shower and, with a howl of glee, I welcomed Rushia to the team with a bucket of cold water over her head. I roared with laughter as I peeled out of the bathroom and waited for her to come out and show her appreciation.

And show it she did…by inviting me to sleep on the extra bed in the room that night. By myself.

My problem was, I forgot who she was. She’s not one of the guys, and I shouldn’t treat her like she is. My wife doesn’t want to be slapped on the butt, tossed a bun from across the table or spoken to in jock talk. Lots of lot of times she just wants to be hugged (NOT GROPED). I must try to meet her needs and desires, which sometimes means going against my own natural instincts – especially if they involve buckets of cold water.

Just do it…now

Hey, we’re all busy. I understand that. But sacrificing our relationship with our spouse is a sure fire way to disaster.

A great marriage is not something that can wait till later. Start small. Start today.

Show her your marriage is a priority: Attend a Weekend To Remember marriage conference.

Some of us were more prepared for parenthood than others.

Wherever you are on that continuum, chances are that by the time your first child hit two years old, you realized there is no such thing as a perfect parenting plan. Every parent wants to raise a child who will become a person of character; a person of integrity who will make a positive difference in the lives of others. Unfortunately though, there’s no manual that will guarantee you the outcome you desire.

Yet, that doesn’t mean we should approach it haphazardly. As a parent, you have an amazing opportunity to shape another generation; to help develop a person who will carry on your legacy and continue to impact the world long after you are gone. What a privilege! Being a parent is an awesome thing, and we need to take it seriously.

Determine what you stand for

You can’t transfer your values to your kids if you don’t know what you stand for. As a couple, take the time to talk through your beliefs and the virtues you hold most dear. It’s critical that you’re on the same page in this, or you’ll end up each leading your kids in a different direction.

From there, you can map out a game plan as to how you’re going to develop the character of each child. Sit down together and write out a list of characteristics you’d like to see in your kids – and the things you don’t want to see in your kids. That’s right, I said write them down! Good intentions are fine, but without intentionality they will not come to fruition.

Begin putting together your game plan as early as possible. Even when your child is a baby you can start thinking about the primary things that need to happen in their life. What do you want to see developed in them? If you have your goals set out early, they can act as a filter through which you pass your parenting decisions down the road.

Speaking of “down the road,” for some people it can feel overwhelming to be looking so far into the future. You may feel like it’s all you can do to keep up with what needs to be done today, let alone worrying about how your child is going to turn out twenty years from now. That’s pretty normal. A long-term plan is valuable, but it is still lived out one day at a time. Rather than becoming overwhelmed by all that you need to do, try choosing one thing to work on with each child this winter and go from there.

Live out your values

It’s been said before, but it’s true. So much more is caught than taught. No matter how many lessons you may teach them, remember that your kids are learning so much more from the way you live and carry yourself, than they are from the things you say.

Kids are looking for role models. Whether it’s sports heroes or rock stars, children emulate the people they look up to. You may not be rich and famous, but you can give your kids a much better reason to respect you by living a life of integrity. Live out the values that you want your kids to exude in their own lives, and more than likely they will begin to follow in your footsteps as the years go by. Set the bar high in terms of your expectations of yourself if you want to set it high for your kids.

Maximize teachable moments

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could always schedule our child’s training into our day? “Today from 3:00-3:30 we are going to teach Johnny the value of honesty.”

As you know, parenting doesn’t happen that way. Each day comes with opportunities for building our child’s character that we don’t plan or choose. Sometimes they come when we’re busy or distracted, or when we just don’t feel like being a parent. But if we can slow down enough to catch a teachable moment and slide in that lesson, it’s a beautiful gift to your child. They will make an immediate connection between the incident and the value, and they’ll remember it the next time a similar situation arises.

Make daily deposits of virtue

We’ve already talked about the importance of intentionality. I want to challenge you to intentionally make daily deposits into their life. In other words, make a conscious effort to say something to your child everyday that is going to be of lasting value in the development of their character.

You may have a list of eight to ten things you want for your child’s life, but you’ve got to come to the point that you translate that list into everyday life. Try posting that list in the cupboard or somewhere else you’ll see it regularly. Check-mark your way through it. Ask yourself, have I talked about honesty lately? Have I talked about trust, or kindness? And if the answer is no, make a point of doing it before the day is over.

As you continuously make these daily deposits, there will be lasting character value. That’s not to say there won’t still be struggles. None of us have perfect children, and none of us are perfect parents, either. But with a solid game plan and the determination to follow it through, we can raise children of character.

As you drive by your neighbourhood school over the next couple of weeks, take a good look at the kids’ faces. Note the smiles; listen to the laughter. Even the most reluctant student is excited to be back in school…for a few days, anyway. The thrill of seeing friends again and sharing tales of summertime adventures actually makes the first week or two – dare I say it – fun.

But as the last rays of summer fade away, as September slips into October and the reality of homework hits home once again, many of those kids will trade in their smiles and laughter for the all-too familiar refrain: “I hate school!”

Whether they like it or not, our kids will be in school for at least 12 years of their lives, and most of them longer than that – so they might as well like it! The benefits are obvious: better grades, good habits, less likelihood of rebellion and more fun along the way. But what do you do if your child sincerely hates school? Is there any hope that their perspective can change?

There is. And like most other aspects of parenting, it starts with you.

Parents: Do your homework

If we want our kids to become good students, we need to become students of them. We need to do our homework by getting to know each one of our kids and understanding what makes them tick.

Each child is uniquely wired and uniquely gifted. As parents, it’s easy to slip into the familiar routines and patterns and to treat all our kids the same. We treat them as if they’re all cookie-cut from the same dough. We ask questions like, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” We wonder why the methods we used with the first child don’t work with the second.

God makes all our kids different, both in their temperament and in their learning styles. The first child is often quite compliant because they want to really impress Mom and Dad, and so they fall into step quite early. The second one, on the other hand, can throw you for a loop with their free-spiritedness.

I look at my own four kids and they really are unique in and of themselves: in their interests, their aptitudes, and their gifts and abilities. Their learning styles are very different. So as parents we would be wise to try to understand their learning styles and work to their strengths, rather than trying to squeeze them all into the same mould. That will only lead to frustration, both for you and your kids.

Let your kids know that it’s okay to be different. They don’t have to be like their sister. Celebrate who they are, and don’t play the comparison game. That can be so damaging. You don’t want your child thinking, “I’m not as good as my brother or my sister, because she gets straight A’s.” That kind of thinking not only snuffs out a desire to learn, but it damages their psyche in a deep and lasting way. So don’t go there.

Foster a thirst for learning early

If we can help our children experience at an early age that learning is fun, it will make a big difference in their attitude towards school throughout their formative years.

You may not realize it, but kids likely learn more in their first five years of life than in the next twelve years of school. Those early years are a great opportunity to instil in them the value of learning and the joy of discovery.

Kids will feel good about learning if they believe they can do it. If they can go into school with a sense of confidence, they will look forward to it with anticipation, instead of being intimidated or overwhelmed by the newness of it all.

Rather than waiting till your kids begin their formal education, you can prepare them by reading to them when they’re young. By age four or five, you can help them learn the basics. Teach them to recognize the alphabet, how to print their letters, and how to write their name. Before long, they’ll start to recognize some words, and that will encourage them. They’ll begin to experience success in the learning environment, which will make it more attractive and comfortable. Children will be much more inclined to like learning if you build them up as they discover things.

It’s also important to help your kids develop a thirst for learning about God and His Word. You can encourage them in that direction in a fun way by reminding them of Psalm 119:99: “I have more insight than all my teachers, for I meditate on all Your statutes.” What kid wouldn’t want to be wiser than his teachers?

Define success carefully

We live in a culture that is driven to achieve. There is nothing wrong with desiring to excel, but it can be taken too far. Nothing will obliterate a kid’s interest in school faster than a parent’s unrealistic expectations.

Too many parents tie their own sense of worth to the performance of their child, whether it’s in school, sports or the arts. If their kid doesn’t meet their standards, they rake them over the coals, because they are embarrassed about how it reflects on them. The child that comes home with some B’s and C’s is chastised: “What’s wrong with you? How come it’s not better?”

Now, there are times when a child is capable of more and is guilty of not putting in enough effort. That needs to be addressed. But examine your expectations as well. Many times, the real problem is that the parent has expectations that don’t fit in line with the child. Too often, the expectations crush the kid; if they can’t live up to them, why bother trying? School becomes a place where the child only experiences failure.

Instead of tying your son or daughter’s worth to the scores on their report card, emphasize the value of simply doing their best. That is what you can reasonably expect of them, and they need to know that you are proud of them when they try their hardest – regardless of the results.

Remember: there are more important things in life than straight A’s. It’s ironic that in the workplace, many people are affirmed for their social skills and their ability to talk to people and “network” – the very things they got in trouble for at school!

Affirmation builds, criticism destroys

You will never get the best out of your kids by driving them, by criticizing, by burying them. Research has repeatedly demonstrated that for every negative comment a child receives, it takes 4-6 times as much positive reinforcement to get their self-worth back to a state of equilibrium. If kids are going to make it in this world, they have to be confident, they have to be strong, they have to be believed in. And that starts at home.

Your kids have to know that Mom and Dad are their biggest fans. They need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt, “Even if I mess up, Dad will accept me,” or “Even though I made a mistake on my exam, I’m still going to make it.”

Parental affirmation builds kids up and gives them courage to keep going. Criticism destroys and takes away that desire to grow and to become all that they can be. No one in this world is able to puff up your child’s chest like you can; when you praise them, it goes so much farther than anyone else saying something good to them. But it goes the other way, too: no one on earth can demoralize your child more than you can with constant criticism. So stand behind your kids and give them the strength they need to face the world with confidence.

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Bah Humbug.

For many people, Christmas is the saddest time of year. In a culture that is obsessed with all things Christmas, it is easy to feel like an alien when our thoughts and feelings are anything but merry.

Whether your pain stems from lost loved ones, unfulfilled hopes, shattered dreams or personal failures, the holidays will probably intensify your feelings. On TV we see storybook families and peace on earth – nothing but laughter and smiles. But what if the reflection in your mirror reveals a lonely heart, empty arms, betrayal or rejection?

Are you just hoping to survive this Christmas?

Do you wince when someone exuberantly proclaims, “Merry Christmas!”? How can you possibly celebrate the season of joy when you feel such deep sadness? Is it possible to be honest with your feelings without becoming a grinch? Without ruining Christmas for everybody else?

The good news is that you can do more than just survive this Christmas. Rather than clenching your teeth and simply enduring the holidays, you can allow this to be a time of healing, a time of moving through grief and beginning to embrace life again. First, though, you have to face reality.

1. Be honest with yourself

Start by honestly facing what you are going through. Acknowledge your pain, name its source, and share it with people you trust. At Christmas there is a great temptation to paste on a smile and go through the motions. This may help you survive December, but it will do nothing to help you grow through your hurt. As Eugene Peterson writes, “Year by year, as we deny and avoid the pains and losses, the rejections and frustrations, we’ll become less and less, trivial and trivializing, empty shells with smiley faces painted on them.”

2. Go easy on yourself

Accept your physical and emotional limitations this year. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Christmas is a hectic, demanding time: we sing carols about silent nights, still and calm, and then we run around madly, trying to stuff as much into each day as possible. Step out of the whirlwind. Choose only the most meaningful traditions to hold on to and set the rest aside for a year. If you have lost someone close to you, your traditions may need to be altered, but continuing to keep those traditions is a way of keeping the person’s memory alive.

3. Go easy on everyone else

The chances are very good that, sometime during the holiday season, someone is going to say something that seems insensitive to you. Understand that most people really do want to help, but they may not know how. Who of us is completely at ease in the presence of deep hurt? You may have to make the first move and tell people what you need.

While it is important to be wise and protect your wounded heart, remember that grief is not an excuse for being selfish. Consider other people’s needs and reach out to them. Serving others is good medicine! You can’t possibly know what hurts other people are carrying. Everyone has a story – even that perky sales clerk who is giving you a headache!

4. Plan ahead

A sure recipe for feeling overwhelmed is to have no strategy at all. Look at your calendar and consult your immediate family members. What will be helpful? What will be hurtful? Christmas events can be either a pleasant distraction or a painful reminder of the problems you are coping with. Try to leave yourself an escape in case you need one. For example, drive yourself to Christmas parties so you can leave early if you need to.

5. Allow yourself to have fun

Sometimes when we are struggling, especially when we are coping with the death of a loved one, we feel guilty when we realize that we are actually having a good time. Moments of happiness seem to somehow dishonour the person we miss. But it’s okay for you to have fun; in fact, it’s crucial to your healing as you realize that life will indeed go on. The fact that you are still able to smile does not reflect on your love for the person or on the depth of your loss. So if you unexpectedly find yourself enjoying this Christmas, embrace it! That’s exactly what your loved one would wish for you.

6. Celebrate the real Christmas

Far from the idyllic scenes on Christmas cards, the first Christmas was messy and painful. Think of the confused teenaged mom who birthed her first child far from home, next to noisy animals in a smelly barn. More importantly, think of the Father who loves you so much that He gave His only Son over to poverty, pain, danger and death. Draw near to this Father who is close to the broken-hearted, and who saves those who are crushed in spirit. He alone is the one who can heal your wounds, redeem your pain, and give you true joy in the midst of your suffering.

An old carol by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow laments,

And in despair I bowed my head.
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong, and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, goodwill to men.”

As you approach Christmas this year, does this express your heart? If so, our prayer is that God may bless you in the area of your deepest need this Christmas, moving you to embrace the truth of the next verse:

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, goodwill to men.”

Take a look at your life.  How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times.  There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget.  In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new.  What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Living with hope

If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.

I have an idea for a great new reality show – one in which the task is so challenging as to be nearly impossible. Take a typical mom, dad and daughter, and drop them in a shopping mall with $500 to buy the daughter a new wardrobe. The catch: everything they buy has to pass the modesty test.

Sound simple? Let me tell you, it’s not. When my daughters were small, the fashion world had little impact on their clothing choices. Dad and Mom made most of the decisions for them. For many years, in fact, I made their dresses for special occasions myself, and these were always received with great excitement. As they grew and their worlds enlarged, so did their perceptions of fashion. Our shopping expeditions became exercises in endurance, rather than enjoyable outings.

As just one sample of what we’re up against as parents, one very popular store markets thong underwear emblazoned with sexy slogans like “eye candy” and “wink, wink” to girls aged 7-14. Asked to defend their product, the company spokesperson said, “It’s cute and sweet and fun.”

Granted, this is an extreme example. But even when shopping for basic items like jeans and t-shirts, it is becoming increasingly difficult to find attractive, fashionable clothes for young girls that don’t show off a whole lot of skin. Tube tops, crop tops, clingy fabrics, low-cut dresses and low-rise jeans are all the rage. CNN and Fox News Channel commentator Betsy Hart complained about one national retailer, where she found everything for her young daughter to be too tight, too low-cut and too short. In her words, “dressing my not-yet-six-year-old like she is Britney Spears is at best silly, and at worst unnecessarily sexualizing our littlest girls.”

In this cultural climate, what is a parent to do? Drawing from my experiences as a mother of three daughters, I’d like to share a few suggestions that might be an encouragement in this critical parenting issue.

1. Embrace modesty

Given the current state of things, does modesty even matter anymore? Our culture tells us no and sometimes we don’t even stop to think about what our appearance says about us.  What once would have been considered unacceptable and risqué is now not just accepted, but commonplace.  Commit to making modesty a virtue you will actively teach your children.

2. Define a family standard

What is modesty? The dictionary tells us that to be modest is to avoid impropriety or indecency, to be reserved in sexual matters, and to be unpretentious in appearance.  A modest person does not call attention to herself by the way she dresses.

In order to teach our daughters to value modesty in a world where it is seen as prudish, we must make the effort to establish clearly what we consider to be modest. Ultimately, it is up to you as parents to set the family standard. Discuss it with your spouse and come up with some guidelines that you can pass on to your daughters. Determine what you consider to be acceptable clothing choices. Talk about a specific age when it comes to wearing make-up, heels, etc. and be prepared to explain your decision-making process.

Modest clothing can still be stylish and attractive. Be prepared to spend some extra time searching out suitable fashions for your daughters. They are out there, but you’ll have to be willing to cheerfully make the effort and, in some cases, spend a little extra.

3. Get the kids onside

Once you’ve set your standards, the next key is to get your kids to buy in without a full-scale revolt! It’s easy to say, “I’m the parent and you will do what I tell you,” but while that approach may bring about outward conformity to the standard, it will not help your daughters to begin to value modesty in their own hearts. Instead, you want to help them to understand why modesty is such an important character issue and teach them to make good decisions on their own. We’ve found it very helpful to be able to give our daughters reasons as to the suitability or unsuitability of a piece of apparel.

Be on the lookout for good role models that are older than your own daughter and allow these friends to influence them; they can be a tremendous help to you. Also, watch for positive examples in the world of entertainment and introduce your kids to them.

4. Counter the media onslaught

Realize that fashion is big business. Kids’ and teen clothing represents a multi-billion dollar industry, and the advertisers know exactly how to entice our children. Your daughters are bombarded from an increasingly early age through the media. In fact, marketing that used to be aimed at teens has now shifted to the tween group (ages 8-13).

This shift is having a noticeable impact on girls in this age category.  Adult clothing styles are being mini-sized to fit young girls. Kids are being made to grow up faster than ever before.   We can diminish the influence of media by helping our daughters make wise choices concerning TV programs, videos, movies, music and reading material. Talk about these choices in entertainment and fashion selection with your tweens and teens before they ever become issues.

5. Value character over appearance

It is important to tell your daughter how beautiful she is, so that she doesn’t have to go outside the family to hear this message. Even more vital than praising her appearance, though, is affirming her character. We need to counteract our culture’s influence by placing value on the inner heart and character of an individual. Compliment your daughter on her inner character frequently.

6. Recognize Dad’s critical role

Never underestimate the influence of a Dad. My husband went on many shopping trips, even though this is not his favourite activity, in order to show his interest and have some input into the selection process. Dad’s approval is extremely significant in a daughter’s life, so fathers need to be careful in how they relate to them. Both words and tone matter greatly. Even though she may act like she resents your intrusion in her life at times, your daughter really does care about what you think of her. Dads, let your daughter know that you think she is beautiful – that she is unique in your eyes and God’s. Your girls carefully watch your reaction – your opinion counts!

Preparing your daughter to embrace modesty is a gift that will last a lifetime. I like to think of modesty as a pattern that I am helping my daughters weave into their lives; a pattern that will become so much a part of their moral fibre that it will enable them to freely and fully enjoy being the women they were born to be.

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Bah Humbug.

For many people, Christmas is the saddest time of year. In a culture that is obsessed with all things Christmas, it is easy to feel like an alien when our thoughts and feelings are anything but merry.

Whether your pain stems from lost loved ones, unfulfilled hopes, shattered dreams or personal failures, the holidays will probably intensify your feelings. On TV we see storybook families and peace on earth – nothing but laughter and smiles. But what if the reflection in your mirror reveals a lonely heart, empty arms, betrayal or rejection?

Do you wince when someone exuberantly proclaims, “Merry Christmas!”? How can you possibly celebrate the season of joy when you feel such deep sadness? Is it possible to be honest with your feelings without becoming a grinch, ruining Christmas for everybody else?

The good news is that you can do more than just survive this Christmas. Rather than clenching your teeth and simply enduring the holidays, you can allow this to be a time of healing, a time of moving through grief and beginning to embrace life again. First, though, you have to face reality.

1. Be real about your feelings

Start by honestly facing what you are going through. Acknowledge your pain, name its source, and share it with people you trust. At Christmas there is a great temptation to paste on a smile and go through the motions. This may help you survive December, but it will do nothing to help you grow through your hurt. As Eugene Peterson writes, “Year by year, as we deny and avoid the pains and losses, the rejections and frustrations, we’ll become less and less, trivial and trivializing, empty shells with smiley faces painted on them.”

2. Give yourself a break

Accept your physical and emotional limitations this year. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Christmas is a hectic, demanding time: we sing carols about silent nights, still and calm, and then we run around madly, trying to stuff as much into each day as possible. Step out of the whirlwind. Choose only the most meaningful traditions to hold on to and set the rest aside for a year. If you have lost someone close to you, your traditions may need to be altered, but continuing to keep those traditions is a way of keeping the person’s memory alive.

3. Give others a break

The chances are very good that, sometime during the holiday season, someone is going to say something that seems insensitive to you. Understand that most people really do want to help, but they may not know how. Who of us is completely at ease in the presence of deep hurt? You may have to make the first move and tell people what you need.

While it is important to be wise and protect your wounded heart, remember that grief is not an excuse for being selfish. Consider other people’s needs and reach out to them. Serving others is good medicine! You can’t possibly know what hurts other people are carrying. Everyone has a story – even that perky sales clerk who is giving you a headache!

4. Plan ahead

A sure recipe for feeling overwhelmed is to have no strategy at all. Look at your calendar and consult your immediate family members. What will be helpful? What will be hurtful? Christmas events can be either a pleasant distraction or a painful reminder of the problems you are coping with. Try to leave yourself an escape in case you need one. For example, drive yourself to Christmas parties so you can leave early if you need to.

5. Allow yourself to have fun

Sometimes when we are struggling, especially when we are coping with the death of a loved one, we feel guilty when we realize that we are actually having a good time. Moments of happiness seem to somehow dishonor the person we miss. But it’s okay for you to have fun; in fact, it’s crucial to your healing as you realize that life will indeed go on. The fact that you are still able to smile does not reflect on your love for the person or on the depth of your loss. So if you unexpectedly find yourself enjoying this Christmas, embrace it! That’s exactly what your loved one would wish for you.

6. Celebrate the real Christmas

Far from the idyllic scenes on Christmas cards, the first Christmas was messy and painful. Think of the confused teenaged mom who birthed her first child far from home, next to noisy animals in a smelly barn. More importantly, think of the Father who loves you so much that He gave His only Son over to poverty, pain, danger and death. Draw near to this Father who is close to the broken-hearted, and who saves those who are crushed in spirit. He alone is the one who can heal your wounds, redeem your pain, and give you true joy in the midst of your suffering.

An old carol by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow laments,

And in despair I bowed my head.
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong, and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, goodwill to men.”

As you approach Christmas this year, does this express your heart? If so, our prayer is that God may bless you in the area of your deepest need this Christmas, moving you to embrace the truth of the next verse:

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, goodwill to men.”

Recommended Resource: A Decembered Grief, by Harold Ivan Smith

Nothing defines a family more than how it celebrates together.

At the same time, family traditions can be a source of incredible strain and frustration. When a couple marries, one of the first major challenges to their unity can be that first Christmas, as they try to meld their individual customs into a new way of celebrating together. Feelings of inlaws get hurt as the new couple is pulled in multiple directions. New people are added to the family mix and instead of pulling the family together, traditions create discord and hard feelings. Some may wonder if it’s even worth the trouble.

It may take some work, but the benefits of establishing family traditions are undeniable. The key is to develop customs that fit your family. Though it’s hard to let go of long-cherished practices from our families of origin, if it’s not working for your family, it’s defeating the purpose. Compromise and flexibility are paramount, and a sense of humour doesn’t hurt either. As you work to create family traditions that are distinctly yours, there may be some false starts…but getting there can be half the fun!

Need some fresh ideas? FamilyLife staff and speakers from across Canada have shared with us their own cherished Christmas traditions. Feel free to take from this list and modify them as you see fit – make them yours!

The whirlwind: Preparing for Christmas

As a child, I loved the entire month of December. Oblivious to the stress of the adults bustling about around me, I soaked up the spirit of the carols, the lights, the decorations, the cookies and everything else that heralds the approach of the big day. I thought everyone else felt the same way.

As an adult, I now know that the demands of shopping, cleaning, decorating, cooking and wrapping can easily crowd out the joy of the season. December 25 often feels less like a climax than a sigh of relief. Does it have to be this way? Here are some ideas to reduce the stress and create family fun throughout the month of December:

• Bruce and Denise Gordon like to get started nice and early: They decorate their house – tree and all – on American Thanksgiving, to the sound of Christmas tunes and the taste of eggnog.

• Gary and Cathy Reynolds tell us, “We book a Saturday morning weeks ahead to go out and cut our Christmas tree, and then we come home and spend time together decorating it. We always take a family picture cutting the tree, and drink hot Cranberry-Apple punch while decorating it.”

• As part of decorating the tree, some parents give each child a special new ornament representing something significant in their life from that year. This gives them a chance to celebrate their accomplishments and encourage their character development. It also builds an ornament collection that each child can take with them when they leave home and start their own families.

• Instead of laying the whole shopping burden on Mom, why not involve the whole family? Bruce Gordon takes a day off of work to go Christmas shopping with Denise for their boys. Other parents take their kids shopping separately with $10 to buy gifts for each other. This helps teach them the importance of thoughtfulness and giving, instead of just receiving.

• Take a timeout from the hustle and bustle and enjoy the Christmas atmosphere. Go for a drive and check out the Christmas lights in your neighbourhood. Take in a Christmas concert or carol sing. Go skating or tobogganing as a family. Slowing down for a night or two will keep your family connected amidst the busyness, and will recharge you for the tasks yet to be done.

Family fun

The Christmas season provides an abundance of opportunities for family bonding and togetherness.

• It’s a Wonderful Life. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. A Christmas Carol. White Christmas. There is no shortage of beloved Christmas movies. The Gordons enjoy time together throughout the month of December by watching Christmas movies as a family. Mark and Christie Rayburn and their kids have built up a collection of Christmas books, and they read one each night starting December 1st .

• While the Reynolds family preferred not to emphasize Santa, on Christmas Eve their children always wrote letters to Santa, telling about their past year, and left them on the table with goodies. Santa wrote back with lots of humour and always acknowledged growth in their lives, their character qualities, accomplishments and their maturing faith and walk with God. The first thing the kids would do on Christmas a.m. was read the letters, which are still kept in a file folder through the years and remain precious.

• If you’re looking for a really creative Christmas Eve tradition, how about this one from Delvin and Lori Fletcher:

“It all started 22 years ago, with the birth of the first grandchild in the family. My sister, having been married 3 ½ years earlier, was the first in the family to have a baby. She decided we should all sleep over at her place Christmas Eve, so we could enjoy watching our nephew together on Christmas morning. At only 11 months of age, it was already agreed that Christmas was more fun with kids! So, that very first year, my mom and dad, sister, brother, and my husband and I packed up our pajamas and went to stay with my sister and her husband.

This tradition has carried on every year and now, 22 years later, we will be staying at my younger sister’s home for the very first time. This Christmas there will be 17 of us (of the 19 in our family)…and yes, we all sleep over! My parents get the master bedroom – it’s not right for Grandma and Grandpa to have to sleep on a mattress on the floor! The rest of us adults will take over the children’s rooms, in some cases bringing our own extra mattress with us. As for the grandchildren, they all agree this is their favourite night of the year – not because it’s Christmas Eve, but because they all get to have a big pajama party together – all 9 of them, ranging in age from 15 months to 22 years!  And if I’m honest, this is my favourite night of the year too. To see how God has blessed us with a family that loves to be together is truly amazing, and a gift from Him.”

• Though many Christmas traditions revolve around the kids, it’s important not to neglect the husband/wife relationship in the busyness of the season. The family will be strengthened as the marriage goes deeper, and Christmas is a wonderful opportunity to do that. The Fletchers have another tradition the night after the big sleepover. After the kids get to bed, Delvin and Lori light a fire in the fireplace, turn on some Christmas music and exchange gifts with one another. They enjoy the quiet time together as they reflect on God’s goodness to their family over the year.

What’s cooking?

What would Christmas be without food? Many families have food-related traditions that are eagerly anticipated every year.

• The Gordons go out together to a really nice restaurant about a week before Christmas just to enjoy a great meal and conversation before the rush of the holidays.  Everyone has to dress up for Mom!

• Several families have traditional Christmas Eve meals, whether steak, seafood or just appetizers. Some invite neighbours or acquaintances who do not have family nearby to celebrate with them.

• Who wants to spend Christmas Day in the kitchen? How about Cinnabons and fruit for breakfast Christmas morning? It’s so easy on Mom!

Present time

From buying them to opening them, every family seems to have its own way of handling Christmas presents:

• Some families cut down on expenses by participating in Christmas gift draws. In other cases, the major gifts are limited to the kids, with homemade (or home-cooked) gifts for the adults. Crafts, jam and homemade chocolate are popular choices. And grandparents are always thrilled to receive a scrapbook calendar of their grandkids!

• Several families start giving early by allowing every member of the family to open one present on Christmas Eve. In many cases, these presents are new pajamas – often handmade.

• Christmas stockings are always a morning highlight for the kids. In many homes, children are allowed to dive right into the stockings as soon as they wake up…but they have to wait for the rest of the family to open the presents! In a couple of families, each adult member of the extended family brings stocking stuffers for everyone, adding to the fun and reducing Mom’s load.

• A good way to teach children to value giving, and not just receiving, is to get them involved in distributing the gifts from beneath the tree. Taking turns opening gifts one at a time also allows them to enjoy watching others open their gifts, and gives family members the opportunity to properly thank one another. It takes longer, but hey, we’ve got all day!

The greatest gift

Frenzied trips to the mall, the mad dash to get everything done on time, and new toys everywhere can make a little manger in Bethlehem 2000 years ago seem pretty remote. How do you cut through the clutter to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas – the incomparable gift of God’s one and only Son?

• Throughout the month of December, celebrate Advent each night or every Sunday. Light candles on an advent wreath, read from the Bible and sing Christmas hymns.

• Make a nativity scene a part of your decorations. The Rayburns set up their nativity scene beneath the tree. Early in the month, each child gets to take one of the Wisemen and hide it in their rooms. Everday they move the Wiseman closer to baby Jesus, until they finally reach Him on Christmas Day.

• Darcy and Beth Scholes ‘ family uses FamilyLife’s Adorenaments when decorating the tree. This is a collection of 12 ornaments, each of which represents one of the names of Jesus (the Bread of Life, the Vine, the Light of the World). As you decorate the tree, they provide an excellent opportunity to teach your children about God’s greatest gift to us.

• Reading the Christmas story (Luke 2) plays a central role in many families’ celebrations. Some do it on Christmas Eve; others on Christmas morning before opening gifts; and still others during breakfast. In some homes the dads do the honours, and in others the kids take turns. Often the reading is followed by a family prayer time thanking God for His blessings.

• Some families even incorporate the Christmas story into their gift giving. Glen and Christie Hoos base their kids’ gifts on the gifts given to Jesus by the Magi (an idea originally found in Christian Parenting Today ). Like Jesus, each child receives three gifts: gold, frankincense and myrrh. The “gold” gift, wrapped in gold paper, is a gift of great value – something special that they will really love. In biblical times, frankincense represented the presence of God, so the “frankincense” gift is a present to help them develop a deeper relationship with God – perhaps a Bible, devotional book or worship CD. Frankincense was white, so this gift can be wrapped in bright white. Myrrh was used to anoint the body for burial, so the “myrrh” gift can be something for their body – bath products, hair accessories or clothes. This present can be wrapped in a dark, earth-toned colour. This tradition not only provides a fun way to keep Jesus at the forefront on Christmas morning, but it also greatly simplifies the present process and eliminates the need to “keep up with the Joneses.”

• The legend of the candy cane: While the children munch on their Christmas treats, share with them how the candy cane was invented. Many years ago, there was a candy maker who wanted to make a Christmas candy that would act as a testimony to his Christian faith. The cane is actually a “J” for Jesus, and if it’s flipped with the curve at the top, it’s a shepherd’s staff. The white represents the virgin birth and the sinlessness of Jesus, and the red stripes represent the wounds of Jesus: “By His stripes we are healed.”

Ultimately, Christmas finds its true meaning against the backdrop of Easter. It’s all about a God who loves us so lavishly, so extravagantly, that He chose to send His own Son to live among us and to die for us. Regardless of all the other trappings of the season, if you can keep this as your focus, your celebrations will be rich indeed.

From our families to yours, God bless you this Christmas.

Forgive and forget. It’s a well-worn cliché – one that is easier to say than to practice.

If you’re married, you’ve been there. Your spouse has said or done something that has wounded you. It may be something small, or it may be a major betrayal. Either way, your pride screams at you to take revenge. If you don’t strike back immediately, you at least want to keep this “guilt card” in your pocket, to be pulled out at a later date: “Oh yeah, well what about the time when you….”

When we’ve been offended, the last thing we want to do is to let it go. And yet, if our desire is to have a healthy, lasting marriage, that is exactly what we’ve got to do. Here are seven suggestions to keep in mind when your spouse lets you down:

1. Don’t start without your spouse
   If you need to talk to your spouse about something, don’t just corner them and launch in unexpectedly. That is a recipe for hostility. Instead, agree together on a time to discuss the issue. That gives each of you a chance to think about it in advance, which will result in a more productive discussion than if one partner simply lambastes the unsuspecting “offender”.
2. Handle negative emotions responsibly
   When we react emotionally, we often say and do things that we later regret. In many cases, it is best to delay the discussion until you’ve settled down, gained a proper perspective, and prayed about your attitude. This will allow you to go into it looking for a solution, rather than just being consumed with your own hurt.As partners, you need to respect each other’s need to “take five”. If your spouse needs to wait a few minutes, or even a day or two, to cool down, don’t press the issue. This should not be used as an excuse to avoid the discussion entirely, but it is better to take some time to clear your head than to allow your emotions to take you somewhere that you don’t want to go.
3. Deal with one issue at a time
   Remember that “guilt card” we mentioned earlier? Once you’re into the discussion, you will be tempted to pull it out. Soon, your conversation has deteriorated into a long list of offenses, as you try to outdo one another with everything that the other person has ever done wrong.  This only intensifies the conflict and deepens the divide between you. It can also be overwhelming to be presented with a massive list of things that need to change. Instead of being motivating, it’s discouraging.Instead, be content to solve one problem at a time. It is much better to make serious headway in one area of your relationship than to simply rehearse everything that needs fixing.
4. Be clear about your perspective
   Give each other some uninterrupted time to share your concerns. If you are just trading barbs back and forth, neither of you will really be hearing the other – you’ll be too busy thinking about your next comeback.When it is your time to talk, try to help your mate understand your hurt or frustration. Help them to see why their actions and words had the impact that they did. Likewise, the offending spouse should have the opportunity to explain their words or behaviour. It could be that you have misinterpreted their motives, and when this is cleared up it goes along way towards solving the problem.
5. Hold your relationship more dear than this issue
   Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our feelings or our “rights” that we lose sight of the bigger picture. People joke about marriages breaking up over toothpaste and toilet paper disputes, but it really happens! Remember that your relationship is the primary concern. You may have some issues to sort out, but you still love one another – and loving one another often means letting the other person be right.
6. Walk in an attitude of forgiveness
   If you are going to live with this person for the next 20…30…50 years, you are going to have to forgive one another many times. You cannot afford to not forgive. Unforgiveness does not only hurt your spouse, it hurts you! As Corrie Ten Boom said, “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”This brings us back to the issue of forgiving and forgetting. In truth, there are some hurts that you will never be able to forget. What is more important is that we choose to let it go. Proverbs 17:9 says, “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Forgiveness entails giving up your right to punish your spouse – whether through direct retaliation or just letting bitterness fester.

   Over the past year, I have discovered the value of “advance forgiveness”. I make a conscious decision that, the next time my wife Donalyn offends me, I am going to forgive her. Then, when it happens, I remember that I have already decided to forgive her, so there is no point in making a big deal out of it now. This really helps to take my critical edge off.

7. Forgive as Christ forgave you - Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each another and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”And just how does the Lord forgive us? Fully. Unconditionally. Willingly. Time and time again.This kind of forgiveness is supernatural; it is more than we can do on our own. Particularly if your spouse has betrayed you in a major way, you may need to ask God for the ability to let go of the hurt and forgive them from your heart. But as you trust God to give you His strength and love, He will help you to forgive…even when your spouse has really let you down.

If you have never experienced God’s complete, unconditional forgiveness, know this: God loves you deeply. There is no sin that is so great that He is unwilling to forgive you, if you would just come to Him. If this is the desire of your heart, pray this prayer:

Dear God, I need You in my marriage, and in my life. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life, and that I cannot go on any further without Your help and guidance – and above all, Your forgiveness. I thank You for sending Your Son Jesus to die on the cross to pay for my sins. I now accept that sacrifice and invite Jesus to take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and empower me to live the life You have called me to. Thank You for forgiving me. Amen.

You swear it will never happen: you will not become one of those couples who lets the fires of romance burn out as soon as children come on the scene.

Take heart! Though it may seem impossible, your love life can survive the Diaper Phase, if you’re willing to work at it. Here are a few words to keep in mind as you learn to redefine romance.

1. Plan

Often we think that true romance must be spontaneous. That may have worked when it was just the two of you, but things have changed. Don’t sit around waiting for a free moment – it will probably never come. Make your relationship with your spouse a priority and build it into your schedule. Find a regular babysitter so your minds are at ease, and then plan a weekly date night and guard it zealously.

2. Flexibility

When children enter the picture, you may need to alter your dating habits. Perhaps you’ve always gone out in the evenings, but you’re finding that it’s a bad time to leave your child with a sitter. Or maybe the cost of babysitting makes regular dates impossible. Get creative! Try an afternoon date if that works better with your child’s schedule. Swap babysitting with another family. Put the kids to bed a little early and have a romantic dinner for two at home. There are many possibilities, but you’ll have to start thinking outside the box.

3. Boundaries

It’s hard to say no to a crying baby, but as your children get a little older, don’t be afraid to tell them, “It’s Mommy and Daddy time right now.” It’s also important to set boundaries for yourselves. It’s all too easy to give our best time and energy away to everyone and everything else, other than your spouse.  Let the dishes sit in the sink for a few minutes, and carve out some precious time to reconnect with one another.

4. Intimacy

Now, about the “S” word – and no, it’s not sleep. Sex. It’s what made you parents in the first place, and it still has an important role to play in keeping your relationship strong. Our Hollywood culture doesn’t really prepare us for the fact that a healthy sex life requires work, selflessness and a sense of humor. The demands of raising children will impact your sexual relationship, but if you put your spouse’s needs first it can be better than ever.

5. Priority

Above all, remember that the greatest thing you can do for your kids is to love each other well. Maintaining a happy, healthy marriage relationship will bring needed peace and stability to their lives and will provide a great example for them to follow later in life. Make loving your spouse your first priority. Your kids will thank you for it – and you will, too!

You may have heard it said on occasion that nothing can suck the passion out of a relationship faster than marriage.

Well, it must be, because study after study has revealed that married couples have a higher degree of satisfaction with their sex lives than those who engage in sex outside of marriage. Imagine that: surveys actually reveal that good sex is marital sex within a deep and committed relationship. But this kind of satisfaction is not automatic. Instead, it comes when a couple commits to working on building a healthy sex relationship over a lifetime.

Your marriage can include a sizzling sex life no matter how long you have been married. We have passed our 30th anniversary, and our intimacy just keeps getting better. Here are some guiding principles that will give you your best shot at looking forward to great times in your bedroom.

The warmer the relationship, the hotter the sex

At the heart of a great marriage is the security of knowing that we are best friends. Now to be honest, this is usually a greater need for the woman than for the husband. Guys sometimes take the relationship for granted a little bit, but women need to know beyond doubt that their husbands are a safe harbor. They need to know that they are significant to their spouse, and not just an add-on.

A growing, dynamic friendship built on time-spent-together away from the bedroom will allow for a greater intimacy within the bedroom. Sadly, many marriages deteriorate because when the relationship is not strong, sexuality becomes cheapened. Women often feel used or taken for granted. They think, “If this is all he wants, he doesn’t really care about me.”

So, if a man wants amazing sex with his wife, the greatest gift that he could give himself is to work hard to become his wife’s best friend. As he does, she grows in her freedom to enjoy herself sexually in the security of a caring relationship and thus, provides response to his needs in greater freedom. Continue to work on the relationship and it will really help your sex life to sizzle.

Sex is for two to enjoy

Mutuality in sexuality is critical. For 55 years now the Playboy regime has been training men to view women as sex objects or toys for their amusement – men have become takers. This male-dominated approach to sexuality has made a travesty out of good and beautiful sexual intimacy as God intended.

We must reject the crazy notion that sex is more a “guy thing.” It was never intended to be that way. Society has twisted sex into a male-focused experience. But when it is mutually and fully enjoyed, when the woman is equally satisfied, and when it is born out of a great friendship, it becomes a very meaningful and deeply connecting time together.

Donalyn, in one of her many profound moments, put it best this way: “Women need a meaningful, satisfying relationship to maintain great sex. Men need satisfying, great sex to maintain a meaningful relationship.” As we have approached sexuality from different perspectives, we’ve grown to understand each other in deeper ways, and both our relationship and our intimacy have grown stronger.

Open talk about sex is essential

A couple needs to learn to be open, listening and patient in order to fully understand one another’s sexual needs. This takes courage and vulnerability. It’s one thing to talk about sex in a general way, but to talk about preferences, timing, what’s missing, what you might desire – that’s no easy task. It’s important to be open about what you’re expecting because many times people go on disappointed about their sexual experience but have never communicated to their spouse what they’re really looking for. Share what you feel you are needing.

Now, if your sexual appetite has been influenced by exposure to pornography or some other inappropriate sexual experiences along the line, that likely isn’t a good template of what you are looking for in marital sexuality. Many relationships have gone downhill because the spouse is expected to perform along the lines of something their mate saw in a pornographic movie or magazine. We’ll talk more about sexual variation later. For now, live your own fantasy with your spouse – not someone else’s.

Also, remember that a couple’s sexual experience is sacred. There a song that was popular about 20 years ago that said, “No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.” That sense of safety is critical in marriage. Husbands and wives need to be able to share openly with one another and enjoy sexual intimacy together without fear that their experiences or preferences are going to be showcased for the guys in the locker room or the girls over coffee. It’s a private matter that should only be shared outside the marriage either when you’re helping other people or when you yourself are being helped in a counseling situation. The security that comes from a sense of privacy is foundational to a good sexual relationship.

Variety is both spicy and dicey

Variety is desirable because, as the saying goes, variety is the spice of life. Being creative with different aspects of sexuality adds energy and fun to the relationship. When there are attempts to be imaginative, it says “I’ve been thinking about you away from the bedroom. I’ve been looking forward to this time; it’s important to me.” So go ahead and take steps to enhance your time together, whether with candles, fancier sheets, music, breath fresheners or mints, perfumes, lotions, or – my favourite – lingerie. Be sure to grow your pleasure together.

Variety can also be dicey in the sense that it’s important to establish as a couple the parameters of your sexual variation. Here are some wise guidelines:

• The activity should not in any way be psychologically damaging to either party.
• The activity must not be physically harmful or involve any kind of fear or risk.
• The activity must not be clearly Biblically disallowed.
• The activity must be mutually and freely agreed upon by both partners.

Beyond these limits, every married couple has sexual freedom. Enjoy it!

A focus with a reward

Good times don’t just happen. They develop in the context of a healthy, committed, growing relationship. A deep sense of security, knowing that your partner is committed to you and fully faithful to you, will be at the heart of a great relationship, and ultimately, a sizzling sex life.

It also takes planning. In the very busy, high-paced world in which we live, sexuality is often either squeezed out of our schedule, or we’re so tired that when we do get time alone, we don’t have the energy or can’t stay focused and engaged in a way that would fully satisfy each other.

Spontaneity has its place, but you need to plan times together. You need to work to improve the experience, to understand each other, and to guarantee privacy – nothing will derail intimacy faster than little kids knocking on the door in the middle of it! Unplug the phones and lock the doors. Do what it takes to prepare for having great sexual times together.

Pray together, asking God to bless your growing understanding of each other, your marital relationship and your lovemaking. Actually pray before or after your times of intimacy. (Praying during can be complicated!)

Finally, remember that the sexual relationship is one that develops over time and through many seasons of the marriage. Learn to enjoy each season, and grow together as a couple in both your friendship and your intimacy. God gave us all good things to enjoy, and sexuality is one of His best gifts to every married couple.