Heartbreak and loss, loneliness and disappointment stand out in sharp contrast to the sparkly excitement of Christmas. An article I was reading earlier quoted Kate O’Dwyer Randall, a Chaplin, who said,

“Holidays in our culture are often about families, and families are not always happy institutions.  I think that particularly if you’re facing a death or a divorce, the ‘empty chair syndrome’ becomes very real at this time of year.”

The article went on to say that many churches now have “Longest Night” or “Blue Christmas” services.  These services offer a more subdued atmosphere to welcome those who want to acknowledge Christmas, but can’t face the ebullient joy of a well intentioned “Joy to the World!”

Christmas gets all glammed up, but at the heart of it all, it celebrates a very quiet moment.   Christmas began with a little baby in a stable.  It started with two parents who were tired from a long journey and caught off guard that the baby would choose this particular moment to be born.  It wasn’t glamorous, and it wasn’t shiny but it did mark the moment that hope came to the world.  (If you’re rusty on the details, you can read the Christmas story from the book of Luke.)

As I was reading about the Longest Night services, I found this poem by Ann Weems from her book Kneeling in Bethlehem.  Her poem sums it up perfectly:

The Christmas Spirit
Is that hope
Which tenaciously clings
To the hearts of the faithful
And announces
In the face
Of any Herod the world can produce
And all the inn doors slammed in our faces
And all the dark nights of our souls
That with God
All things are possible,
That even now
Unto us
A child is born!
~ Ann Weems

If you would like someone to talk to, we are here waiting to talk and listen. May you continue to cling tenaciously to the hope that we celebrate, even now.

Take the next step:

Read the Christmas story from the book of Luke
How to celebrate when you’re not together
Home alone for the holidays 

Feeling low this Christmas season?  You’re not alone.  Amid cheery songs, festive parties, gifts and good wishes, many lonely people are crying or dying on the inside.  Maybe you’re one of them.  I was.

During a horrible year, my wife of 20 years divorced me, my employer of 25 years fired me, and I had a cancer scare.  As I drove home one night, lovely Christmas music came on the radio.  Melancholy aching evidenced the deep pain of abandonment and loss that I was still processing.

No fun.

Blue Christmas

Romantic estrangement, family strife, and bereavement can make your holidays dismal.  One of Elvis Presley’s most popular songs was “Blue Christmas.”  A lonely crooner mourns heartbreaking lost love.  Performers from The Beach Boys to Celine Dion, Loretta Lynn, and Jon Bon Jovi have recorded it.

Does even thinking about that song make you depressed?  The spoofed “Porky Pig” version could get you laughing.  Google will take you there.  But please … wait until finishing this short article to search, OK?!

Several factors can produce Christmas blues.¹ Hectic activity can bring physical and emotional stress.  Overspending can produce financial pressure.  Year-end reflection and focus on loss can magnify sorrow.

McGill University psychologist Dr. Michael Spevack notes, “Overeating and over drinking combined with a decreased amount of sleep is also a formula for extreme emotional swings.”  Depression can lead to thoughts of suicide, especially among the socially isolated, he says.²

The “empty chair”

Is your family apart this season by necessity or choice?  Maybe an “empty chair” reminds you of your pain.  Does Christmas “Ho, Ho, Ho” contrast with your deep anguish?

One widow recalled how she felt during the Christmas after her husband’s death:  “Little mattered to me. I didn’t want to hear carols. I didn’t want to be cheered up. I didn’t want to look at perky Christmas cards. I wanted the same thing I’d wanted every day for eight months: the strength to force myself out of bed in the morning, to brush my teeth and to eat.”³

One possible influence, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), is a form of depression the medical community doesn’t completely understand.  The Mayo Clinic says genetics, age and body chemistry could be the culprits.  Mayo recommends seeing your doctor if you feel down for days and have motivation problems.  Symptoms can include changing sleep patterns and appetite, feeling hopeless, contemplating suicide, or seeking comfort in alcohol.⁴

Coping

How can you cope with Christmas loneliness?  Some suggestions:

• Spend time with people, especially positive ones who lift your spirits.  Perhaps you’ll be grateful for their cheer.
• Exercise regularly. Blood pumping can help clear your mind.
• Eat right.  Chocaholics beware.  Overindulgence can mean temporary highs followed by disappointing flab.
• Lights on!  Enjoy sunlight, outdoors if possible.  Brighten up your home and workplace.  Light therapy sometimes helps SAD.
• Budget your gift spending and stick with your budget.  Prevent January bill shock.
• Talk about your feelings.  Keeping them bottled up can mean anxiety, ulcers, sour disposition, and/or explosion.  Need a trusted, listening friend?  Try a local church.
• Give to others.  Volunteer.  Medical professor Stephen Post, PhD, is convinced that giving is essential for optimum physical and mental health in our fragmented society.  He says some California physicians give volunteerism “prescriptions” to their Medicare patients.⁵
• Seek counsel.  I used to be embarrassed to obtain professional counsel.  Now I recommend it.  We all can use good advice navigating life’s storms.
• Develop spiritual roots.  I’m glad that before my dark days began, I had a friendship with God.

Tired of friends who betray, manipulate, disrespect, or desert you?  God won’t.  He cares for you, values you, will listen to you and comfort you.  You can trust Him.  He always wants your best.

One early believer put it this way: “Since God did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t God, who gave us Christ, also give us everything else?”⁶His point: God loved us enough to send Jesus, his only Son, to die on the cross to pay the penalty for our wrong, our sins.  What a demonstration of love!  I can trust a God like that.  Then Jesus rose from the dead so He could live inside us and become our friend.

Your choice

Would you like to meet Jesus, the best friend you could ever have?  Wouldn’t Christmas season be a great time to place your faith in Him?  You can tell Him something like this:

Jesus, I need you.  Thanks for dying and rising again for me.  Please forgive me, enter my life, and give me eternal life.  Help me to become good friends with you and learn to follow your lead.

End notes

1. “Christmas Holiday Depression,” 18 December 2005; www.medicalnewstoday.com.
2. Ibid.
3. Mary Cartledgehayes, “Blue Christmas – Grieving Through The Holidays,” Christian Century, December 27, 2003; www.findarticles.com.
4. “Seasonal affective disorder (SAD),” Mayo Clinic Staff, September 24, 2007; www.mayoclinic.com.
5. Stephen Post, PhD., and Jill Neimark, Why Good Things Happen to Good People (New York: Broadway Books, 2007).

The thought was serious, but just for a moment. I was hurt, tired, and so discouraged that despair seemed to rush in. I’ve never forgotten that moment and have never told anyone until now. Maybe it is so vivid because my normal view of life is optimistic. I often tell people, “I don’t have problems, I have opportunities…”

Despair can have many sources and can be more profound combined with other factors. A friend’s 18 year old daughter attempted to take her life. The combination for her was the knee operation that took her out of her last year of high school sports, the friend who had criticized her harshly, a broken relationship, alcohol, and physical/emotional tiredness. Late one night, after everyone went to bed, she picked up her pain medication and downed the whole bottle. Fortunately for her and my friend, despair did not win. Others are not so fortunate.

Despair is dangerous and can be deadly. I remember reading once, “People can live weeks without food, days without water, minutes without oxygen, but not a moment without hope.” On a personal level I have found it helpful to identify factors that contribute to despair and also cling to the things that give me hope.

Some of these factors may seem insignificant. I have found when I’m hungry and tired I’m more prone to lose perspective. The best thing I can do is eat and sleep.

I know that when I have emotional highs from lots of people contact or events, this can result in my emotional bank account being over extended. When that happens I can expect an emotional low to follow. When I know and anticipate this cycle I find I’m much more able to deal with it. Despair is held at bay.

Another warning signal of emotional tiredness can be emotions being closer to the surface. This can show up through angry “blow ups” or tears. You might even think, “Wow! Where did that come from?” These all give despair a foothold.

Another fertile soil for despair to take root in is the words of trusted friends. Words of close friends can be so powerful either for good or bad. I don’t care much about what people say who do not know me, but the words of my trusted friends carry significant weight. This is why divorce can be so profound. The person who knows you the best has just said, “I do not value or want you.”  Wow! That is painful! Despair is swift and can be suffocating.

Hope becomes an antidote to despair. A variety of things can bring hope. Perspective can bring hope. The following story illustrates this point…

On a foggy morning in July 1952, Florence Chadwick waded into the chilly waters off Catalina Island. Her goal was to swim the Channel to the coast of California. The numbing cold of the water hit her right away, and she could barely see the boat that accompanied her in the dense fog. Several times during her swim, a rifle was fired to keep sharks away. She swam for 15 hours before she asked to be taken out of the water. Her trainer encouraged her to keep going, saying she was very close to land. Florence was no stranger to long distance swimming. She had been the first women to swim the English Channel in both directions. But this day, as she neared the coast of California, all she could see was the fog. She was exhausted, and began to feel discouraged, thinking she was not going to be able to make it… Florence gave up, just a half mile from her goal! In the interview after the swim, she was quoted as saying, “I’m not excusing myself, but if I had only been able to see the land, I might have been able to make it.”

What was it that caused Florence to give up that day? Was it the cold water, exhaustion or fear? No, the reason she failed to reach her goal was the fog. Two months later, she swam that same Catalina channel and set a new speed record in the process.

I need fog clearing moments, times when I take stock of my life and circumstances. Sometimes this comes through stopping activity and taking stock or it might involve finding an objective listener who can help you clear the fog. This might mean a trip or two to a councilor or a wise, trusted friend.

Faith can bring hope, ultimate hope. King David once stated, “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” Confidence that there is a God who loves me and has a good plan in the mist of pain, and hurt is a profound defense against despair. I was once removed from a position of leadership suddenly without warning. I was flooded with deep emotions at the unjustness of this decision. As my mind was reeling trying to make sense of this I remembered the words of a friend. In describing a similar set of circumstances she was buoyed by the understanding that God was not wringing his hands in heaven. He had a plan. Those words hit me. A significant sense of confidence settled in. Confidence that God loved me and even in this he had a plan for a way through. There was still pain, confusion and hurt but knowing God’s love and presence provided a foundation to handle the pain.

A person cannot live long with despair. Dealing with despair takes two forms, prevention and long term cure. Prevention is the strategy of dealing with conditions that lead to despair which can include simple things like enough rest or talking out discouragement with a trusted friend.

Prevention involves finding a foundation that gives hope; especially in the mist of circumstances that are despair producing. God can provide that foundation. His love can hold you in the midst of any storm. His wisdom can guide you through it and his strength can steady you as you move forward.  Despair need not overtake you. Why not open the door of your despair and invite God into it. Ask him to walk with you. Don’t try to live independently from him. He invites you to share the journey with him. Why not choose God as your foundation today?

If you would like to invite God into that place of despair today why not pray this prayer right now:

Dear God,
My despair is overwhelming. I don’t know what to do. I need your strength to anchor me and your wisdom to guide me. I need you to give me a firm footing as I work through this. I invite you into my life right now. Forgive me for living independent from you. I need you. Come into my life and bring me hope today. Amen.

If you prayed this prayer let us know. A mentor can help you in this new journey of faith.

Are you one of the 7 million? I was.

As families break up, teens suffer rejection and loneliness. Rejection causes us to replay negative experiences in our minds. Each time we hit rewind and replay the situation our depression deepens. It’s a vicious cycle and a spiritual battle. You and I need God to break any mindset that keeps us trapped in a negative place. But how?

During the time when I was healing from my parents divorce, a minister came up to me and said, “God tells me you are replaying the pain. Stop rehearsing it. Instead fill your heart and mind with what God’s Word says about you.” I knew he was right, so I did as he said. And that was the beginning of a greater liberty in my life. From that day forward, I made a conscious effort to let go of my bitterness.

Finding your place

There is a place of belonging for you beginning today and that place is close to the heart of God. You can experience healing. You can leave the pain of your past behind. You can move into the future, whole and complete in Christ. God did it for me, and He will do it for you.

Maybe your parents divorced, your dad or mom left, one of your parents passed away, or a brother or sister betrayed you. Maybe you have a parent who is serving in the military and you miss them. Perhaps your family is struggling with unemployment; your parent is laid off and out of work. Your parents’ home may have been foreclosed and you wonder when the fighting over money will end. Whatever the root of your rejection has been, you must hold onto hope. You can throw off bitterness and experience healing in your soul.

Habakkuk 3:16-19 shows us that God works in the bad times in our lives. The hard experiences we endure really do make us stronger. Romans 8:28 goes on to say that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV)

Restoration is a process. Psalm 30:5 declares, “Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” No matter how cutting the pain of darkness is, the light of day always breaks through it.

God goes before you and He is greater than your circumstances. He sees your past, present, and future. He gets you. He stands with arms open. His love can heal your deepest sorrow. He can lift the bitterness you feel and bring liberty that will cause your heart to sing again.

I understand people you love have hurt you. Just remember, you are not rejected and you are not alone. You have a place of shelter, a Heavenly Father, a Christian family, and an eternal home.

Six Rejection Breaking Keys that Show How You B-E-L-O-N-G

B – Begin Starting anything new can be hard. In fact, there’s not much good we can do in our own ability without the Lord. That’s why God wants to be your strength as you begin embracing Him (Psalm 46:1 and II Corinthians 12:9-10).

E – Embracing Here’s where you act upon your faith. To embrace is to accept and welcome God in your life (Acts 16:31 and Romans 5:1). You might ask, “But, how do I embrace God?” Well, you talk to Him just like you talk to your best friend. (At the end of this post, there’s an opportunity for you to experience God’s love through the power of prayer.)

L – Love’s I John 4:16 tells us that “God is love”. Is it possible for people like you and me to know Love’s open arms? You bet it is. Never forget, you are God’s favorite one.

O – Open arms Jesus died on the cross, but He also rose from the grave. We aren’t embracing a dead or made-up deity. Our God is alive. The Holy Spirit enables us to feel His presence and sense His open arms. When we call on the Lord Jesus, He hears us every time (Isaiah 58:9).

N – Never-ending

Isaiah 9:6-7 reassures us that God is forever. He isn’t going to walk out on us. Isaiah says, “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, and Prince of Peace. Of the greatness of his government and peace there will be no end” (NIV, emphasis added). Did you get that last part? The kingdom of God is never-ending (Psalm 16:8).

G – Grace Favor surrounds you when the God of love is with you. John 1:17 reminds us, “the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ” (NIV). God will transform your life with His grace. He is the lifter of your head. No more rejection, only acceptance in Him.

A Prayer

God can heal your broken heart. Are you ready to pray?

Lord, who is more powerful than you? Who is more able to restore than you? Not anyone! I empty my heart of the rejection I have experienced and I ask you for peace. Will you revive me again? Will you take away the pain?

I believe you will! I will not hang my head low in defeat; I choose in this holy moment to hold onto hope. I lift my head high, knowing that you have created me to be an individual, as unique as the snowflakes outside. Help me to forgive my family. I release my resentment. Bring purity to my life, restore the trust. Heal the brokenness and cause my heart to sing with new joy! Thank you for being my Heavenly Father and for welcoming me into your family and home. I am neither rejected, nor alone because I BELONG to you. I ask all these things in Jesus’ name. Amen.

God hears and answers, so expect His breakthrough in your life. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (NIV). God is going to do something mighty for you.

Has divorce touched your family? Read our resources to find hope:

Helping children cope with separation and divorce
Entering marriage as a child of divorce
Stopping the cycle of divorce

Are you feeling overwhelmed by guilt? This is a safe place,talk to us.

“Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and He will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday” (Psalm 37:5-6).

When we read about all the injustice in the world, it can get to the point that we ask, “Where is God in all of this?” The Hebrews asked that while enslaved in Egypt, then while being sent off to exile, while under the clutch of the Roman Empire and during the Holocaust. Slaves in the South asked it, as did the soldiers in the Civil War. Some asked it in the aftermath of 911. Some ask it as they hold their deceased loved one who was a victim of random violence, or intentional harm.  Others question as they hold their not perfectly formed child, like I did.

The answer is simple – God is in our midst. Instead of asking where He is, ask Him to draw nearer.  Ask Him to show you rays of sunlight in the dark gloominess, to feel His warmth around your cold shoulders, to hear birds singing in spite of the deafening silence of grief.  Ask him to help you laugh again, even if just for a moment.  It is a matter of faith, but you can ask for that as well.

The verse right before this says if we draw near to God He will give us the desires of our heart.  That doesn’t mean wealth or fame, it means Him. He truly is all we need, and like the lilies of the field and the birds in the air, He will provide if we seek Him and His righteousness first.

So seek. As I said, it’s so simple, yet it can be so very hard, can’t it? Hard because our viewpoint is so limited to the here and now. God, on the other hand, sees all and knows all.  He has the timing worked out. We just need to hang on, trust and draw near to Him for comfort. Countless believers have. The Psalmist knew to do that. The next time you feel wronged or think that life is just not fair (guess what, it isn’t) read this Psalm 37 and take it to heart. It is soothing balm for a hurting soul.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself (vs. 7) . . .  For the Lord loves justice; He will not forsake his saints. (vs.28)

Questions: When you are losing your grip on trust and feel life is not fair, what Scripture verse, hymn or poem do you cling to?

Take the next step:
God really does love you
Can loneliness be a blessing?

Related
How to find peace in a hurtful world

Learn more about the Fruit of the Spirit with our life lesson on Galatians

“In the Lord I take refuge. How then can you say to me: “Flee like a bird to your mountain” (Psalms 11:1).

A tame “caged” bird, such as a parrot, needs a lot of love and attention. In our home, Bubba, is a source of entertainment and joy. He needs interesting and new things to keep him entertained. He has a small perch which is portable, an outdoor play station, a small cage for transporting to the vet and a larger cage. Eventually he has to go back to his big cage (nest) for water and food. He also sleeps in “his nest” and it is a refuge for him.

Just as Bubba is comforted and fed in his nest, we as believers in Christ need the “water of the Word,” “the Bread of Life” and the comfort of the Holy Spirit. Also, not attending worship and shunning fellowship, can cause us grief, guilt and all manner of things. When we stray from the Lord by sinning or dis-interest, life does not go well.

Psalm 121:2 reads: “My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”

When the distractions of this world capture our minds and hearts God is always there to help. After all, He is our Maker and he knows us better than we know ourselves. There is no need to criticize ourselves as we are the “apple of His eye.” As soon as we repent and ask forgiveness, He forgives. Keeping sin-free is not a thing we can fully realize in this life, but keeping our eyes on Jesus will produce beautiful fruit in our lives and give us a place to “nest.”

Lord, help us all to remember to approach you when we want to flee to other sources for our needs.  Keep our hearts and minds fixed on you. In Jesus name, amen.

Questions: Where do you flee to as a source of comfort?

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