We get it, you’re tying the knot!

Want some unsolicited marriage advice you won’t find anywhere else?  The social media age we live in is revolutionizing how we do relationships, including that transition point between single-hood and marriage.  Having experienced and studied how social media affects marriages and relationships (we even wrote a book about it), we’ve come up with six Facebooking do’s and don’ts for engaged couples.

1. Do dump some friends – The conversation about past exes being Facebook friends is a discussion couples will have before or after the “I do’s”.  It is just a matter of time and circumstances. Our advice is built upon millions of heartbreaking stories about forsaken spouses and regretful husbands and wives who strayed. Unfriend or block any Facebook friends who could possibly be a threat to your future marriage. This includes ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends, everyone you have ever hooked up with, anyone you wished you had hooked up with, and anybody you’ve had an unshakeable crush on.  If a Facebook friend has even a remote change of being risk to your marriage, it’s not an online association worth keeping.

2.  Do clean up your profile – Look at your engagement ring. Now look at your wall. Look at your ring. Now look at the pages and groups you’ve joined. You will soon become someone’s spouse, merging your family tree with someone else’s family tree, and inheriting (for better or worse) a whole family of in-laws. While it’s YOUR Profile, it is public to ANYONE and EVERYONE in your new family to access, read and form opinions about you.  Avoid some unnecessary family (in-law) drama.  Review your profile in light of this major life transition you’re making. Make sure your Facebook profile reflects who you are becoming rather than who you have been.

3. Do purge your pictures – A picture may be worth a thousand words, but some pictures posted on Facebook may end up taking ten thousand words to try to explain away.  Be proactive.  Go through your Facebook albums and remove or untag yourself from photos that your future spouse, future in-laws or future kids won’t like. The types of pics we’re talking about are photos with old boyfriends/girlfriends, incriminating partying pictures, old wedding photos from a prior marriage or any shameful moments captured digitally.  Marriage changes things.  And that may mean removing visual remembrances of your past for the sake of your future.

4. Don’t forget that your profile is still about you – Your new hobby in preparing for “We”-ness may be all-consuming to you and your fiancé, but your Facebook friends still want to know about YOU. Posts about what the two of you are doing are fine from time-to-time, but your status updates and comments should be from YOU, not US.  If you end up creating a new Profile as a couple, then using the plural pronouns of “we,” “us,” or “our” are appropriate.  Until then, remember to keep using “me” and “I” in your status updates.

5. Don’t overdo it with wedding planning details – One of the biggest complaints made by friends and family members about soon-to-be-brides is that they get annoyed by all the wedding talk. This was even before the advent of Facebook.  Just because you can post every exciting and mundane detail of your wedding planning experience through a 24/7/365 social network, doesn’t mean you should.  Otherwise, even the groom-to-be may be tempted to hit the hide button on your updates.

6. Don’t forget who sees your posts – Planning and coordinating all the details surrounding your wedding day is an emotionally-draining, physically-demanding, financially-stressful, relationship-straining experience.  Add to that the spoken and unspoken expectations of not one, but two (or more) sets of parents… and you will have numerous situations where you are ready to explode! It’s  tempting to rant in a status update to receive emotional comfort and forced sympathy from your Facebook friends. DON’T! More than likely, the sources of your frustration (including your fiancé, parents, future in-laws, both sides of the wedding party, the ring bearer’s mom, the flower girl’s dad, and wedding guests) will read it and someone will likely react.  All of a sudden, you are starring in your own episode of Bridezilla. Find a confidant you can call or visit for a face-time rant session that leaves no digital evidence of your tirades.

So, that’s our advice.  Take it or leave it. Like it or unlike it. Share it or hide it.

When you do end up changing your relationship status to “married,” be sure to pick up a copy of Facebook and Your Marriage so you never have to change your relationship status again.  We’ve discovered that there’s a lot more opportunities for Facebook drama after you say “I do”.  And we have some advice on that topic too.

Have you ever sat in a group of people and listened to someone describe

We used to have a great tradition where our family and their family stayed together overnight on Christmas Eve with the kids.  We’d eat a great meal, open gifts and enjoy time together.  Our kids are older than theirs, so we had done this tradition for  many years with our kids.  When their kids got past the baby stage, they no longer came to spend the night.  Just like that the tradition was cast aside.

These people seem to feel that if it is their idea it is a good idea, but if it is inconvenient for them it just won’t work.  I have had enough conversations with others to know most families have one of these members in them.

Choose the relationship first

How do you deal with selfish family members?  I have chosen the relationship first and have worked to set aside my own hurt and agenda for the better of the relationship.  We tell our kids “your siblings are your lifelong friends, so treat them best.”  I try to do that with these challenging family members.  The thing that always surprises me is that when we are together, we all have a really great time, both couples and kids included.  I don’t understand why they don’t make us more of a priority.  However we have chosen to continue to make them a priority.

Understanding the five love languages also really helps. Author Gary Chapman says that there are different languages we use to express emotional love for each other.  Once when we were in the home of the above mentioned couple my husband and I were in the family room, our brother-in-law disappeared.  I was getting more and more ticked off because we didn’t have much time, we had driven to see them and he disappeared.  When we left that afternoon, we left with an arm full of clothes, a cooler full of food and several other gifts from them.  My brother-in-law was running around the house collecting things to give us, while we were waiting for him to sit down and visit with us.

I realized in that moment that their love language is giving gifts, while ours is quality time.  He was showing his love and care for us in his own way, giving, while we were missing it waiting for his time. We don’t often get time with them, but they are VERY thoughtful, generous people.  Once I recognized the difference in communicating love and care, it really helped my attitude.

As Christmas approaches you and I have a choice to make. We can let the little things bug us, keep silent and let it fester, or we can communicate, re-adjust our expectations, and decide the relationship is more important.  Carefully consider the relationship first and then choose what will be best in the moment.  Sometimes being angry, but kind is ok.  Sometimes letting it go is ok.  Letting it fester however is never ok.  Make a conscious choice based on the relationship at stake.  Family relationships are precious and worth making an effort and investing in.

For more information on the Five Love Languages

For more on investing in relationships

When I first got married I didn’t know much about my husband’s family. I knew a little, but my concern was my husband so I didn’t bother thinking about the in-laws too much.  Then suddenly I was married and I had to start thinking of them as my new family.  I failed to realize the true meaning of a family that comes with the person you marry.

Family has an impact on everyone, whether good or bad.  You married someone who grew up in a family, who loves, knows, and cares for that family.  Now you have to try to do the same thing or feel the same way?  In most cases, this doesn’t happen overnight. 

If you are having some difficulties, here are some points that I like to keep in mind:

It’s important to come to terms with the fact you might not like the family, but you still need to learn how to love them. This goes a long way in improving how you view your spouse’s family.  A negative attitude towards them can affect your spouse.

1. Remember, when you talk to your spouse about their family they will likely take it personally.  They are attached to their family so be sensitive.
2. Forgive your spouse’s family for what they have done to your spouse in the past.  Families aren’t always nice nor are they perfect, but holding a grudge does more damage to you than it does to them.  Bitterness poisons from the inside out.

It’s good to be willing to look at things from the other side.  Here are some things I found helpful to remember when my husband talks to me about my family:

1. Learn to separate yourself from your own family.  Make your spouse your top priority.
2. Allow yourself to see both the good and the bad about your family from your spouse’s perspective.
3. Don’t compare families or pit one against the other.

Recognizing that differences aren’t always bad is one of the keys to success. Embrace the diversity.  Through this you can learn to be more tolerant, loving, and accepting.

By saying, “Your family works differently than mine, but that’s okay” you take the first step in progress.  Then, learn to accept those differences instead of asking “why?”  I used to ask that all the time.  “Why do they do that?  Why are they like that?”  My husband still doesn’t know how to answer those questions.  It’s not fair to try to find reasons why they shouldn’t do something based on finding out the reason why they do it.  They will do what they do, and the only person you can change is yourself.

When I’m exhausted and don’t want to be nice anymore I pray.  That calms me down and helps me to clearly see what the problem is.  Often I create problems in my own head and don’t notice I’ve done that until I think through why I’m upset about something.  I’ve been mad and sad.  I’ve cried.  But the thing I remember is that, it does pass.

I don’t have to be “best friends” with my in-laws. I know I never will be, and that’s okay.  I consider how I can get through anything if I’m willing to listen and make changes.  I don’t have to let what they have done or said stop me from treating them the way I would like to be treated.

I’m still learning every day. I know this will continue for the rest of my life.  What are some of the challenges you’ve faced with your in-laws?

Victoria’s mother-in-law is 80 years old. Even after forty years, their relationship is rocky and she still has unresolved issues that gnaw away at her.

Last week, just for interest’s sake, Victoria tried to recall the number of times that her M-I-L had given her a gift with no strings attached. The only item that she could remember was the old TV she brought over after winning a new one in a contest.

From the beginning

This relationship started off poorly right from the start. At Victoria’s wedding, her M-I-L demanded that she (the bride), the other daughter-in-law and son-in-law step out of the pictures so the photographer (paid for by Victoria’s family) could take some photos of “her family.” Her new brother-in-law, standing beside her, told her to get used to it because their M-I-L does this at all occasions.

Victoria’s in-laws have always had an amazing amount of knowledge about each family member’s personal financial affairs and they seem to believe it is their duty to share this information with all their relatives.

At a recent family dinner party the topic of a cousin’s financial situation came up. Victoria’s M-I-L and F-I-L proceeded to talk quite specifically (this was not guess work) about this cousin’s income and expenses and speculated how much would be left for savings at the end of each month. They rambled on for some time, discussing car payments, mortgage payments, credit card debt (etc.) all of which was known with uncanny accuracy.

Tight lipped

As Victoria and her husband Ed left the party, she made him promise to never divulge a single piece of their financial information to any family member even if they say they are “just trying to help.” She could just imagine their personal finances being dissected and analyzed by her M-I-L at the next family gathering they weren’t able to attend.

Victoria really hopes to have a good relationship with her in the future. She wants to be able to deal with her effectively and kindly – especially now that she is again…already 80 – but it never seems to work! She just plain dislikes her M-I-L so much because of their difficult history and her negative personality traits. She has tried in the past to talk to her about how she feels and include her in their lives but she always oversteps her boundaries or shows no appreciation.

And she talks so much! Victoria and Ed were driving into the city the other day and saw a bumper sticker that said it perfectly: Help!! I’m talking and I can’t shut up.…

When she got married, Victoria imagined that her new M-I-L would be this wonderful supportive person who would also be a great friend and mentor. She is so sad that even after 40 years she can barely tolerate her and sees no hope of ever having a close and meaningful relationship with her.

Sad isn’t it?  Are you involved in a situation like this?

Now for some good news

Tanya’s mother-in-law is 60 and the most wonderful person she has every known! She never interferes and treats Tanya as her own daughter…not just her son’s wife. She quietly supports the decisions they make and only gives advice when asked (and then carefully). She never uses guilt or manipulation to control her son or daughter-in-law. She also loves all her grandchildren equally and unconditionally. She’s known as the perfect M-I-L.

Victoria decided the day her son married Tanya 15 years ago that she would be exactly the kind of mother-in-law she wished she could have had.

Congratulations Victoria for breaking the cycle!

On a personal note…my M-I-L, Margaret, just left after spending two weeks with us. She’s a 9.9 out of 10. (Nobody’s perfect!)

Article © Allen Unrau, used with permission

Familiar experiences resurface… The aroma of a cold weather dinner in the oven. The swish of the furnace firing up, the comfort of my old sweatshirt, the cold bathroom tile in the morning.

Like it or not, my body shifts in to Holiday Mode. It’s a familiar flight plan that transports me through Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. It’s a holiday package of events, appointments, travel, gifts, food, friends and family — and sometimes a dose of disappointment and unmet expectations.

How do you handle the holidays?

Do past seasons bring to mind warmhearted, functional family memories? Or does the mere thought of fruitcake and Santa Claus make you want to take a two-month solo vacation?

The holiday ritual has a profound effect on people. Requests for counseling are highest through the holidays. Sales of self-help and personal development books peak in the early year. Sadly, suicide rates are highest at Christmas.

I have incredible memories. But as I grow older, I find myself trying harder to enjoy the holidays. If I’m not careful, I easily fall in a trap of disillusion, anesthetized to the joy and potential possibilities of the season.

I have learned it is not only possible to survive the holidays; it is possible to enjoy and actually create new memories for my family and me. From lessons learned, what follows is my holiday punch list — A guide to help you navigate through this season better prepared and with increased happiness and love.

• Don’t fix it
  There is no better gathering of dysfunction than at Christmas time. Past issues and dysfunction easily get in the way of your ability to let go and enjoy the season. Don’t try to fix people — it doesn’t work. Fight the temptation to engage in confrontational-face-to-face discussions. Reschedule that business for another time. Try doing things different this year.

• Set realistic expectations
  For years my vision of the ideal holiday experience fell far short of the “Norman Rockwell” standard. I have learned to accept the family interaction as a dance I’ve danced before. It’s a slow and agonizing dance, but at least I know the steps. Accept it for what it is.

• Be flexible
  I am not a flexible person, so this was a hard lesson. Accept the fact that things won’t be exactly as planned. Flexibility is essential. Just keep repeating, “It’s only a few days, it’s only a few days…” Less control, more toleration.

  A friend related a sad story where he and his family spent a Christmas with his out of town parents. Christmas Eve was a disaster. His father had a few drinks, became verbally abusive, words were exchanged — a very bad scene. Christmas morning my friend packed up and brought his family home.

  That was four years ago. Since then they haven’t returned to share Christmas with his parents. They decided to regain control of their own lives and protect themselves from future holiday failures. They set boundaries. These days they celebrate Christmas at home. Though it sounds harsh, if your holidays seem like recurring train wrecks, you might need to consider similar changes.

  If you are a blended or re-married family, flexibility and negotiation are even more critical. These relationships are complex and challenging, especially during the holidays. Count yourself fortunate if your season is smooth. If not, get your hands on some good resources or counseling.

• Planning
  There are less surprises if Sheri and I pre-plan Thanksgiving and Christmas events. You might negotiate annual alternating locations — your family this year, his family next year. We have a less formal arrangement, sometimes merging winter vacations and getaways with family visits. Some years you might just want to spend the holidays at home.

  The best way to ensure post-holiday conflict is to overspend this Christmas. Pre-planning will minimize misunderstandings and prevent January budget shortfalls. Set limits; avoid loading up the charge cards; put less emphasis on gifts. (Warning: Be prepared for push-back from the family when you suggest spending limits. Be creative and stand your ground.)

• The In-laws
  A big holiday challenge for me is demonstrating love and sensitivity towards my wife’s extended family. It’s too easy for me to be impatient and inflexible when relating to my in-laws. In holidays-past, I wasn’t always on my best behavior.

  Don’t learn the hard way. A significant way to meet your spouse’s needs is to show respect and sensitivity towards her family. Serve her by going out of your way to make the “in-law” experience a smooth one. Honor her by demonstrating to her family the kind of husband you really are — the other 51 weeks of the year. Look, your spouse is only asking a few days from you. Get over it! Make this year different.

The spiritual component

What does Christmas really mean to you? Buried under the gifts, the charge receipts, the family gatherings, shopping and food — what’s left?

If you are a Christian, Christmas should have special meaning to you. But even committed believers get stuck in the commercialism and stress of the season, sidetracked far from the true spiritual meaning.

How do you get back on center?

Have you thought about if or where you will attend church this Thanksgiving or Christmas? Several years ago while visiting Sheri’s family for Christmas, we embarked on a church-finding mission. We hit the yellow pages and drove into town to scope out prospects. We found a church where we felt warm and welcome. That became our alternate Christmas church home.

For our family, church is a holiday priority — Not an obligation. We are there for community, worship, and celebration.

Remember that friends and family are spiritually sensitive this time of year. Outreach potential is high. Be bold — invite someone to church; send spiritually-focused Christmas cards; give a bible as a gift; initiate a spiritual conversation.

If you are a parent, this is the perfect time of year to establish a spiritual foundation. Start some new traditions — Read the Christmas story [Luke 2 ] from the bible. You need to take the spiritual lead in your family.

Christmas is inevitable, so make the best of it. Make Christmas a pursuit of joy and love. Create memories. Make a difference.

Mother-in-law jokes-we’ve all heard them. Can we relate?

I know it’s sappy, but I have to give credit to her, she does not fit what some would call the norm for mother in laws. She doesn’t ever interfere with anything I do for and with my family. She actually respects my opinion more than she probably should at times. She even asks for me when she calls, more often than she asks for her son. I am always so flattered.

When I joined the family almost ten years ago, I was a little apprehensive with how they would react to me. This was to be my second marriage, and I was bringing along two small children with me to join the long list of grandchildren. What I found out, very quickly was that not only was I welcomed into the family, but my children were embraced with open arms. Not once in all of these ten years have my children felt that they were not her grandchildren. That, alone, was such a generous gift that she gave me-I will never forget it.

My mother-in-law, Marrion, has had her share of illness, and has been a caregiver to many for decades. I never hear her moan or complain about taking care of anyone, and she rarely accepts the care we offer to her. I have found ways to trick her into letting me do things for her. She was diagnosed with lung cancer a few years back, while still caring for her very sick husband. She never missed a beat-it was amazing. Her strength during that difficult time was equal to none I have ever seen. Where others may have found it difficult to carry on, her patience and endurance surprised us all. We are so proud of her recovery, and her strong will.

Where others may call their mother in laws meddling, I take solace in that she is just a phone call away. She has always been very intuitive when it came to things going on in my life. It’s as though she has a sixth sense when it comes to her family.

There have been so many times in the last ten years when she was there for me, for all of us. She was there to witness the birth of our fourth child, and I feel so grateful having had the opportunity to share such an important part of my life with her. She traveled from Canada just last year so that she could spend Christmas with us in Georgia. And it seems that every other month we open the door to find the FedEx man holding another precious package from Grandma, or find a heartfelt poem in the mailbox.

I could go on for pages and pages, but I will end it by saying that not all mother in laws are created alike. In the case of my ‘other mother’, I think they must have broken the mold when she was born. She is an enduring pillar of strength in our family, the one person who holds it all together and makes us feel safe. All of us-grandchildren, children, daughters, sons and daughter-in-laws alike. She makes us all family.

©Gwen Morrison 2001

1. Write a letter to your partner’s parents thanking them for a character trait or personal skill they instilled in your mate.
2. The next time you visit your in-laws’ home, look for something you can do for them. Maybe you could run an errand or help in the kitchen or yard. Look for ways to serve them.
3. Keep grandparents informed of your children’s activities, interest, and accomplishments. Grandparents especially love newspaper clippings and lots and lots of pictures.
4. If you live far away and see them infrequently, schedule a regular visit by phone. The cost will be low compared to the rewards. Also e-mail is a wonderful way to stay in touch.

Above all, be grateful to your in-laws. They were the ones who provided the climate for cultivating all the attractive qualities in that special person you chose to marry!

Remember, in making family ties stronger, you’ll make your marriage stronger as well!

“

“Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom” (Proverbs 11:2).

As I sat on the hard, frozen bleacher, my son swung his bat at the second pitch. “Strike two…!” The umpire called. I comforted myself with the fact that my little “all star” baseball player had not struck out once this season. Another fastball rocketed out of the pitcher’s hand, right down the center, over the plate… CRACK! The ball formed a perfect arc and sailed through the cloudy sky, shooting over the fence, and right out of the ballpark. I leapt to my feet with the other onlookers, as applause erupted around me.

“What are you feeding that kid?” A man’s voice joked. I continued to beam, thinking proudly, that’s my boy.

The compliments, pats on the back, and friendly jests continued for the rest of the game. I watched proudly as my son humbly accepted the praise from his peers, parents, and coaches. I graciously received the parental praise that came my way too. We were an undefeated baseball team – not bad, not bad at all.

As my son enjoyed his free home run hotdog, I observed several of his teammates chomping down their own snacks and rudely bragging about their victory to anyone who would listen. Several parents shot annoyed looks in their direction. I decided it was time to remind my son about the evil of pride. He listened carefully to my words and responded with godly wisdom well beyond his ten years. “I know, Mom. All I asked God to do was help me hit the ball. I thanked Him when I was running the bases.”

Wow! Now that statement was something to be proud of. His humble attitude would make an eternal difference far beyond his baseball hitting years. As the evening progressed, my thoughts continued to review the events of the earlier ball game. It was as if an instant replay camera in my head was on a permanent rotation. My son is very talented, handsome, smart and athletic. But he is just a boy. Not God. That may sound strange to some of you, but maybe you can relate. It is amazing how easily pride can creep into our hearts and minds. We can go from being proud to prideful in a split second if we’re not careful. I did. I fell asleep that night not thinking about my Heavenly Father, but thinking about my adorable son, and his giftedness.

Humbling myself before God

When I woke up the next day still focused on baseball, and then continued to think about it incessantly for the next week, I realized I had some business to settle immediately with my own Head Coach – God. As I reviewed my heart in prayer, it became evident that I had unknowingly fallen into a trap – a trap as old as the Garden of Eden. A trap that has caught many of us unaware – pride.

God gives us many gifts and our children are one of them. But they are never to take the place of our Savior. When our thoughts and emotions begin to “bow” to our children or their achievements, we are in a world of trouble. Thank goodness I was able, with God’s help, to recognize the trap I had stepped into. With Him, I was able to free myself from its clutches. Pride will destroy us if left unchecked. But with this simple daily plan, we can protect ourselves and release the pride trap if we accidentally trip up and fall in.

Breaking pride down

Breaking down the word “pride” into its acronym and converting each letter into a godly principle has helped me – I believe it can help you too!

• P: Pray – We need to remember to pray, without ceasing. An attitude of prayer and thanksgiving will go a long way in our fight against pride. It is very difficult to fall into the trap when we are lifting our praise and thanks heavenward.

• R: Repent – If we end up in the trap (which as humans, we will occasionally do), the best choice we can make is to repent and seek God’s forgiveness immediately. By repenting and regaining our thankful attitude we can step out of the pride-trap and re-enter God’s peace.

• I: Invite – Invite God everywhere – even to a baseball game. God loves our children more than we do. He is their greatest coach and cheerleader. With Him next to us in the bleachers we are less likely to fall into the temptation of toying with pride and its treacherous trap.

• D: Determine – Determine that you will, with God’s power, keep your focus on Him. We must make a daily decision to bow to Him alone, and no one or nothing else of this world. When we put people and things on a pedestal, we set ourselves up for pain and disappointment. With God as our focus we can rest assured that He has our best interest in mind – always.

• E: Enjoy – Enjoy God. Enjoy your children. Enjoy life. Enjoy today. After all, they are all gifts from our Creator. Joy is a gift from God. With our heart focused on Christ first and foremost, we are free to enjoy the world and all creation, especially our families.

Now with these principles in hand, before we become boastful, we can take a look at pride with godly vision, and remain outside its ever-present snare. As for baseball…my son is still hitting strong. But now, he and I both know that whether or not he hits the ball, it’s all the same to God. We’re both loved and applauded by our one True Coach whether we hit a homerun or strike out! We want our actions and words to humbly acknowledge that any gifts or talents we might have come from God.