Do you need hope? Find hope, even when it hurts.

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God” (Romans 5:1, 2).

The word “rejoice” creates a picture in my mind of celebration. Yet it must be more than a happy emotion or a festive occasion.  Many days don’t feel like party days. Financial troubles, heavy workloads, illness and infidelity happen regardless of our race or home address. So how do we rejoice?

In his book, Counterfeit Gods, Timothy Keller provides this definition: “To rejoice is to treasure a thing, to assess its value to you, to reflect on its beauty and importance until your heart rests in it and tastes the sweetness of it” (Counterfeit Gods, p 173).

Let me remind you today that in the midst of whatever trouble you face, you have a reason to rejoice. We have been justified through faith. What a glorious truth to treasure. By faith in Jesus Christ, we have been made right with God. Nothing on earth can bring joy like that.

We have peace with God. How sweet it is to know that sin no longer separates us from God. We have an intimate relationship with the Creator of the Universe. We have gained access into grace. What could be of greater importance than God’s unmerited favor shown to us? Savor the goodness of being forgiven.

We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. You have hope. Not a deceptive hope that tomorrow will be better, but something solid to cling to. One day we will see God in His glory. Evil, sin and death will be defeated; God will be victorious; every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.

Great and gracious God, teach me to rejoice in the hope that I have in You.  Amen.

Question: How do you define rejoice? How does rejoicing in what you know is true help you on dark days?

General help for families

FamilyLife USA

Our counterpart organization FamilyLife USA seeks to win people to Christ, build them in their faith with practical tools for life and marriage and send them to impact others.

Single-Parent FamilyLife

We are here to offer ongoing support to single parent families and those wanting to help meet their needs.  Single Parent FamilyLife is a ministry of FamilyLife Canada.

I Questions

iQuestions.com features a collection of videotaped experts answering questions in his/her area of expertise.  Read the question and watch the video answer.  Topics include:  marriage & relationships, parenting, healthy living, faith, money, and career.

Troubled With

TroubledWith.com is a collection of articles, resources and referrals organized by topic around family issues and concerns.

HomeWord

HomeWord seeks to advance the work of God in the world by educating, equipping, and encouraging parents and churches to build God-honoring families from generation to generation.

Focus on the Family

Focus on the Family is a global Christian ministry dedicated to helping families thrive. They provide help and resources for couples to build healthy marriages that reflect God’s design, and for parents to raise their children according to morals and values grounded in biblical principles.

Help for specific issues

Peacemaker Ministries

Peacemaker Ministries specializes in conflict resolution.  They train and assist Christian adults and children to resolve personal, church, business, and legal conflict through biblical conciliation.

Beyond affairs Network

Beyond affairs Network provides specialized help for couples and individuals recovering from affairs. On their website you’ll find many services, resources and articles specific to an affair.

Sex addict.com

Those struggling with sex addiction or partners of addicts want solutions.  This organization helps people addicted to porn, spouses of addicts, through conferences, counseling, blockers, and other resources.  Get help here.

One of the things he said is “It’s up to me to start living a life of integrity.” That made me wonder, what does integrity look like? Who are the public figures that we (and Tiger too) should try to emulate? As I thought about that, I realized that it was hard to think of many, maybe because they are by nature not the type to be constantly in the spotlight. Living a quiet life of integrity usually doesn’t get featured on the daily news.

Tiger concluded his press conference by saying “I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.” This raises the issue of forgiveness.  When a person admits they have engaged in “selfish and irresponsible behavior” and says he wants to change, how does the process of forgiveness work? Is it different when a person is a public figure?

One of the impediments on the path to overcoming the shameful aspects of our lives is that it’s hard to admit that we have done wrong. If you feel you are struggling with “selfish and irresponsible behavior” today, or trying to find forgiveness, please contact an online mentor to talk It’s confidential, free, and you’ll received personal responses from someone familiar with your struggles.

Related reading: Rebuilding Trust – When someone betrays your trust, how can the pieces be put back together?

*Image by Keith Allison used under Creative Commons license

Take action: A one time affair can ruin a wonderful lifetime marriage relationship. Safeguard your marriage by exploring our Affair-Proofing Your Marriage online interactive life lesson.

You said it: This week Shernett shared on the Prayer is about Relationship women’s devotional, saying “I am recently learning to totally trust God. I recently prayed for my son’s healing. It never came how I expected (God brought him home)but God is showing me that he has a greater good in store- which is my maturity.” Read the rest of the comments on Prayer is about Relationship, and join the conversation on Devotional for Men and Devotional for Women, each updated daily!

Blog: Christians & Halloween
Halloween: Is it a mostly benign event or a truly frightful occasion? Let us know what you think about it in the comments! Read more

Devotional: Quiet Heroes
Quiet heroes dot the landscape of our society. They don’t wear ribbons or kiss trophies; they wear spit-up and kiss boo-boos. They don’t make the headlines, but they do sew the hemlines and check the outlines and stand on the sidelines. You won’t find their names on the Nobel Prize short list, but you will find their names on the homeroom, carpool, and Bible teacher lists. Read more

Coming up next week: One of the topics of our upcoming online chats is “Growing Together in a Marriage” Join us in the chat room November 1st 2009 @ 9:00pm EST for this chat or see also our full chat calendar for other upcoming topics.

I was 23 years old when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mother taught me to do BSEs (breast self exams), when I was 13 years old. It was all part of her talk about the “birds-and-the-bees-and-BSE”. My Mom’s mother had had several breast lumps removed over the years and my Mom had some cysts removed too. She wanted to make sure if there was ever a change in my breast that I would go to the Doctor to get it checked out. I knew I’d never notice a chance if I don’t know what ‘normal’ felt like, so I did my BSE faithfully, every month. I had no idea that it would save my life. Read more

Take action: A one time affair can ruin a wonderful lifetime marriage relationship. Safeguard your marriage by exploring our Affair-Proofing Your Marriage life lesson.

You said it: This week, Andi commented on our article S.I.M.P.L.E. Living: Joys of Living on Less, saying “Thank you for this wise and life enhancing article. People and relationships first; then ‘stuff’” Read the article and add your own thoughts: Read more

Blog: Trust is like Gravity
I’ve seen a thousand Hallmark cards about love, but I’ve never seen one that celebrates trust. I wonder why that is? Trust is silent, but vital. Read more

Feature: What Men Want in a Relationship
If only we would realize that both men and women are human beings first and pretty much want the same thing … Read more

Coming up next week: One of the topics of our upcoming online chats is “Growing Together in a Marriage” Join us in the chat room November 1st 2009 @ 9:00pm EST for this chat or see also our full chat calendar for other upcoming topics.

I searched her eyes for the familiar fire. Seeing none, I thought,  ”Who is this woman?” My wife of two years had become an instant stranger.

“What are you saying? Why do you want to leave?”, I asked.

“I’m unhappy and lonely and miserable actually.” There, it was out. “You make me miserable. Maybe with a little distance between us we’ll get closer”.

I touched her arm, but she pulled away as I said, “It doesn’t make any sense. How can distance make us closer?”

“I don’t know, but I do know that I can’t stay here.  I need some time to sort things out, a little space. I’m not even sure I even love you or that I ever did”.

I stood frozen, as I begged,  “Please don’t go now. Can’t you wait until tomorrow?”

She silently picked up her suitcase, flung her purse over her shoulder, and with a dramatic toss of her hair, walked out our front door.

A hidden affair

I knew that I hadn’t been the best husband, and that I got angry at her too often. I knew that my need to be right often made her wrong.

I knew that, lately, she had been distant. But I didn’t know that my wife was having an affair.

During the month Nancy was gone, I was a mess. Each time I called her, I would start to cry and ask her what I could do to get her to come home, but she answered my questions with one-word sentences. Then she would abruptly say,  ”I gotta go”, and hang up.

I asked friends to “spy” on her, and they told me that she seemed fine … happy. They told me to move on with my life and try to accept the fact that she was gone. When Nancy told me she was filing divorce papers, I believed that our marriage was over.

Then, one night, after a miraculous change of heart, (read Nancy’s book Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome for the full story) she came home and said, “I’ve been lying to you for months, but I’m going to tell the truth now. Ask me anything.”

“Is there another man? Are you having an affair?”

She looked away and whispered, “Yes, with a man at work.  But it ends today. I’m going to quit my job tomorrow and I will never see him again. I hope that you will take me back and we can stay married.”

Rebuilding our marriage

The decision to forgive came quickly, but the rebuilding of our marriage took a long time.  I would feel good one day and hopeless the next. Then she would get frustrated and confused. There might be a week where we would be caring and loving, and then we’d slip into old patterns and have to remind ourselves to get back on track.

When we got back together, it was a good day if we were just polite to each other. If we could say “please” and “thank you” and not fight or yell,. That was as much as we could have hoped for.

The first thing we did was get godly advice from a wise Christian couple.  Then we spent several months seeing a Christian marriage counselor. We got involved in our church’s couples group, and started reading marriage materials. We knew we had to find out, “Okay, what does a husband do? What is my role? What does that look like?” She had to find out, “What is a Godly wife supposed to do?” We learned Biblical principles and found practical ways to apply them.

Another important ingredient to healing was that we offered each other mercy while we were trying to change.

When we slipped up, we tried not to get too bent out of shape over it because we both knew we were trying. It was like we were two parallel pendulums swinging back and forth, just missing each other. But through self-control and studying God’s Word, and putting those principles into our marriage, eventually we became like two pendulums, swinging in sync–together. But it took time, self-control, and a strong commitment.

Many of the habits we had established were very difficult to break. Before, we would be waiting for the other person to make a mistake so we could point it out. But when we began this new cycle. I was trying to please her and she was trying to please me.

A new personal mission

Probably the one thing that helped me the most was the verse in 1 Peter 3:7 where it instructs me to dwell with my wife in understanding.  For years and years, every comedian on television says, “Oh, I can’t understand my wife”.  It’s the proverbial joke in our culture. But if the Bible tells us to dwell with our wives in understanding, it must be possible.

I did not ask for details of Nancy’s affair.  I didn’t want obsess about what she did and where she did it. When the thoughts of her with him came to taunt me, I didn’t allow them to stay. Instead, I chose to think about the future we were building.  I took the advice I read in the Bible in Philippians 4:8 which reminded me to think about things that were pure, admirable, lovely and good.

I made it my personal mission to try to understand my wife.

I learned that my wife is more sensitive than my buddy.  I can tease and make wise cracks at my friend’s expense, and he’s just going to respond with a playful insult. But when I make fun of my wife, it breaks her down emotionally and spiritually. It hurts her and she pulls away from me.

I learned that if my wife says, “You’re’ tailgating and it’s scaring me”, I should stop tailgating.  If I love her, why would I want to frighten her? The more I understood about my wife, and respected those God-given differences, the less we argued.  We used to have brush fire arguments  - they are the little spats that turn into World War III in 90 seconds. As we worked to extinguish the brushfires, the intimacy grew, and our love grew.

Soon, Nancy realized how much my forgiveness meant to her. She thanked me many times for being willing to take her back.  She treated me with new respect and I began to appreciate her.

25 years later

I never regretted my choice to forgive Nancy. It’s been over 25 years since Nancy’s affair but we’ve never stopped learning from it.

Her affair was a symptom of a terminally ill marriage. I’m not excusing her behavior, but I was not an attentive, loving, encouraging husband.  She repeatedly told me how sad, lonely, and discouraged she felt and I selfishly tried to talk her out of her needs. I didn’t compliment her enough and I was not the spiritual leader of our home.  Our marriage was a mess and a lot of that was my fault.

We choose to take the value system God has for marriage and though our emotions may change, God’s standard doesn’t change and He is there to help us.

Our theory is: always be fine-tuning your relationship. Never let your guard down for a moment. Never take each other for granted and be careful not to get caught up in emotions because our emotions can deceive us.

We are amazed at how far we’ve come – we laugh a lot now and really enjoy each other. Our 22-year-old son often sees us holding hands and sees that we are living examples of mercy and restoration.

We had a broken home – but with the Lord’s help and a lot of work, it’s fully restored–stronger than before. My wife’s affair shattered our marriage but God redeemed what was lost and restored our marriage!

For more information about Ron and Nancy’s story, go to their marriage blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com or read Nancy’s book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome:How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around your Marriage.

“Don’t you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you?” (1 Corinthians 6:19, NLT) Paul wrote these words to counter the Corinthian sex obsession. “Run away from sexual sin!” reads the prior sentence. “No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body.” (v18)

What a salmon scripture! No message swims more up-stream than this one. You know the sexual anthem of our day: “I’ll do what I want. It’s my body.” God’s firm response? “No, it’s not. It’s mine.”

Be quick to understand, God is not antisex. Dismiss any notion that God is antiaffection and anti-intercourse. After all, he developed the whole package. Sex was his idea. From his perspective, sex is nothing short of holy.

He views sexual intimacy the way I view our family Bible. Passed down from my father’s side, the volume is one hundred years old and twelve inches thick. Replete with lithographs, scribblings, and a family tree, it is, in my estimation, beyond value. Hence, I use it carefully.

When I need a stepstool, I don’t reach for the Bible. If the foot of my bed breaks, I don’t use the family Bible as a prop. When we need old paper for wrapping, we don’t rip a sheet out of this book. We reserve the heirloom for special times and keep it in a chosen place.

Regard sex the same way—as a holy gift to be opened in a special place at special times. The special place is marriage, and the time is with your spouse.

Casual sex, intimacy outside of marriage, pulls the Corinthian ploy. It pretends we can give the body and not affect the soul. We can’t. We humans are so intricately psychosomatic that whatever touches the soma impacts the phyche as well. The me-centered phrase “as long as no one gets hurt” sounds noble, but the truth is, we don’t know who gets hurt. God-centered thinking rescues us from the sex we thought would make us happy. You may think your dalliances are harmless, and years may pass before the x-rays reveal the internal damage, but don’t be fooled. Casual sex is a diet of chocolate—it tastes good for a while, but the imbalance can ruin you. Sex apart from God’s plan wounds the soul.

Your body, God’s temple. Respect it.

Question: How does our society contribute to our sexual temptations, and how can we proactively respond to these challenges?

About this Author: Max Lucado

Unmasking our True Selves

For many people, a significant disconnect exists between their outward identity and their true selves. People desire the freedom to be themselves but more often than not, the fear of rejection or disapproval drives them to compromise their individuality. Many of us spend our lives wearing different masks or façades. We wear some of these masks to cover up parts of ourselves we don’t like and keep others around to change how people see us. Do you know the real you? Read more

Take action: Is a lack of authenticity causing strife in your marriage? Explore being content in our Affair-Proofing Your Marriage online interactive life lesson.

You said it: This week, judy boekel commented on Tom Hanks: Angels & Demons plays fast & loose with facts, saying “DeVenci Code was an entertaining movie/book, like going to any fiction movie, the acting was suburb and enjoyed it, certaining did not take it to heart and I am a christian.” Agree? Disagree? Have your say on this post!

Blog: Angels & Demons (and bears, oh my!)

I watched the last movie, mostly out of curiosity and was no more impressed with it than I was with the weak-kneed book that preceded it. I think I’ll save my $20 and skip the movie this time around. Read more

Video: 3 Minute Expert: Paranormal Phenomena

Do a search on Youtube and you’ll find thousands of videos on the paranormal. Where does this interest in the paranormal come from? Read more

Coming up next week: One of the topics of our upcoming online chats is “Reality of Debt Free Living” Join us in the chat room May 24^th 2009 @ 10:00pm EST for this chat or see also our full chat calendar for other upcoming topics.

I searched her eyes for the familiar fire. Seeing none, I thought,  ”Who is this woman?” My wife of two years had become an instant stranger.

“What are you saying? Why do you want to leave?”, I asked.

“I’m unhappy and lonely and miserable actually.” There, it was out. “You make me miserable. Maybe with a little distance between us we’ll get closer”.

I touched her arm, but she pulled away as I said, “It doesn’t make any sense. How can distance make us closer?”

“I don’t know, but I do know that I can’t stay here. I need some time to sort things out, a little space. I’m not even sure I even love you or that I ever did”.

I stood frozen, as I begged,  ”Please don’t go now. Can’t you wait until tomorrow?”

She silently picked up her suitcase, flung her purse over her shoulder, and with a dramatic toss of her hair, walked out our front door.

A hidden affair

I knew that I hadn’t been the best husband, and that I got angry at her too often. I knew that my need to be right often made her wrong.

I knew that, lately, she had been distant. But I didn’t know that my wife was having an affair.

During the month Nancy was gone, I was a mess. Each time I called her, I would start to cry and ask her what I could do to get her to come home, but she answered my questions with one-word sentences. Then she would abruptly say,  ”I gotta go”, and hang up.

I asked friends to “spy” on her, and they told me that she seemed fine … happy. They told me to move on with my life and try to accept the fact that she was gone. When Nancy told me she was filing divorce papers, I believed that our marriage was over.

Then, one night, after a miraculous change of heart, (read Nancy’s book Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome for the full story) she came home and said, “I’ve been lying to you for months, but I’m going to tell the truth now. Ask me anything.”

“Is there another man? Are you having an affair?”

She looked away and whispered, “Yes, with a man at work.  But it ends today. I’m going to quit my job tomorrow and I will never see him again. I hope that you will take me back and we can stay married.”

Rebuilding our marriage

The decision to forgive came quickly, but the rebuilding of our marriage took a long time.  I would feel good one day and hopeless the next. Then she would get frustrated and confused. There might be a week where we would be caring and loving, and then we’d slip into old patterns and have to remind ourselves to get back on track.

When we got back together, it was a good day if we were just polite to each other. If we could say “please” and “thank you” and not fight or yell. That was as much as we could have hoped for.

The first thing we did was get godly advice from a wise Christian couple.  Then we spent several months seeing a Christian marriage counselor. We got involved in our church’s couples group, and started reading marriage materials. We knew we had to find out, “Okay, what does a husband do? What is my role? What does that look like?” She had to find out, “What is a Godly wife supposed to do?” We learned Biblical principles and found practical ways to apply them.

Another important ingredient to healing was that we offered each other mercy while we were trying to change.

When we slipped up, we tried not to get too bent out of shape over it because we both knew we were trying.

It was like we were two parallel pendulums swinging back and forth, just missing each other. But through self-control and studying God’s Word, and putting those principles into our marriage, eventually we became like two pendulums, swinging in sync – together. But it took time, self-control, and a strong commitment.

Many of the habits we had established were very difficult to break. Before, we would be waiting for the other person to make a mistake so we could point it out. But when we began this new cycle. I was trying to please her and she was trying to please me.

A new personal mission

Probably the one thing that helped me the most was the verse in 1 Peter 3:7 where it instructs me to dwell with my wife in understanding.  For years and years, every comedian on television says, “Oh, I can’t understand my wife”.  It’s the proverbial joke in our culture. But if the Bible tells us to dwell with our wives in understanding, it must be possible.

I did not ask for details of Nancy’s affair.  I didn’t want obsess about what she did and where she did it. When the thoughts of her with him came to taunt me, I didn’t allow them to stay. Instead, I chose to think about the future we were building.  I took the advice I read in the Bible in Philippians 4:8 which reminded me to think about things that were pure, admirable, lovely and good.

I made it my personal mission to try to understand my wife.

I learned that my wife is more sensitive than my buddy.  I can tease and make wise cracks at my friend’s expense, and he’s just going to respond with a playful insult. But when I make fun of my wife, it breaks her down emotionally and spiritually. It hurts her and she pulls away from me.

I learned that if my wife says, “You’re’ tailgating and it’s scaring me, I should stop tailgating.  If I love her, why would I want to frighten her? The more I understood about my wife, and respected those God-given differences, the less we argued. We used to have brush fire arguments  - they are the little spats that turn into World War III in 90 seconds. As we worked to extinguish the brushfires, the intimacy grew, and our love grew.

Soon, Nancy realized how much my forgiveness meant to her. She thanked me many times for being willing to take her back.  She treated me with new respect and I began to appreciate her.

25 years later

I never regretted my choice to forgive Nancy. It’s been over 25 years since Nancy’s affair but we’ve never stopped learning from it.

Her affair was a symptom of a terminally ill marriage. I’m not excusing her behavior, but I was not an attentive, loving, encouraging husband.  She repeatedly told me how sad, lonely, and discouraged she felt and I selfishly tried to talk her out of her needs. I didn’t compliment her enough and I was not the spiritual leader of our home.  Our marriage was a mess and a lot of that was my fault.

We had to learn that the Word of God is our value system and though our emotions may change, God’s Word doesn’t change. The truth is the truth.

Our theory is: always be fine-tuning your relationship. Never let your guard down for a moment. Never take each other for granted and be careful not to get caught up in emotions because our emotions can deceive us.

We are amazed at how far we’ve come – we laugh a lot now and really enjoy each other. Our 22-year-old son often sees us holding hands and sees that we are living examples of mercy and restoration.

We had a broken home – but with the Lord’s help and a lot of work, it’s fully restored – stronger than before. My wife’s affair shattered our marriage but God redeemed what was lost and restored our marriage!

For more information about Ron and Nancy’s story, go to their marriage blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com or read Nancy’s book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around your Marriage.