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Apparently it took God until the 21^st Century to release an updated version of the seventh commandment. 

Is banning Facebook a pastor’s best defense to the emerging trend of Facebook-related marriage problems? We totally understand how frustrated Rev. Miller must be with seeing a similar scenario and set of choices play out again and again.  Many counselors and pastors have told us that they too are experiencing a surge in counseling loads due to online activities. (Could this have something to do with the drastic increase in half a billion people joining Facebook in the last few years?)

Banning people from Facebook seems to be more of a knee-jerk reaction than a long-term solution. Here are five alternative ways pastors and churches can help couples survive and thrive on Facebook.

1) Teach couples how to protect their marriages online – For most people over the age of 30, Facebook is their first online social community experience. Many are innocently and ignorantly learning Facebook on the go. Tell married Facebookers what the potential marriage threats are. Add links to your church’s website, share links through the newsletter, hand out copies of the article at a service.  Whatever you do, do something that helps couples take proactive steps to protect their marriage.

2) Preach on healthy boundaries – This is a relevant topic for every one regardless of age and it’s helpful for both their online and real time relationships.  Our church recently did a sermon series on “Guard Rails” and two of the sermons focused on social media. The problems arising from people’s Facebook experiences are mostly due three things:

• not balancing technology and relationships;
•  not setting boundaries;
• not using common sense when online.

Equip your congregation to set and live by healthy boundaries for all of their relationships – whether they’re on Facebook or face-to-face.

3) Teach adults and teens how to use Facebook safely – There are many ways bad things can happen on Facebook: stolen passwords, identity theft, cyber-bullying, emotional affairs, exposure to pornography, and more. But there are so many great things that can happen on Facebook when people are aware of safeguards and learn to make smart choices. Raise awareness on personal safety, privacy issues, and common sense choices for the Facebookers who call your church home and you’ll see the counseling load for Facebook-related issues radically drop.

4) Create social media guidelines for the congregation – The military has done it. Corporations and companies are doing it too. Everyone recognizes that social media is not going away, so rather than ignoring it, denying it or fighting it, they’re figuring out how to co-exist with it. Creating a set of social media guidelines or principles for your congregation’s members makes a lot of sense. Get the leadership together and brainstorm some ideas on how to set your flock up for success when they’re online.  People are empowered to live a blessed life when they’re taught what they can do rather than just being told what they can’t.

5) Help marriages overcome infidelity and betrayal – People do make poor choices and bad things do happen to good people. Pastors need to be prepared to handle emotional and physical affairs. The path to recovery is slow and long, but doable. If this is beyond your abilities, outsource these couples to professionals and ministries who are gifted to walk these fragile couples through “the valley of the shadow of death.” By helping those who have crossed the line of infidelity and betrayal, these fractured and hurting couples can have a resurrection-like story in their relationship, marriage and family.

Rev. Miller says the anti-Facebook mandate is his attempt to “save marriages and families.” But what about other social networks like Twitter? Looking at the surging numbers of people joining online social communities, there’s no sign of these sites going away anytime soon.

Pastors who empower people how to survive and thrive with social media will actually save more marriages and families in the long run. The more church members know how to safely use online communities, the less likely they are to make the mistakes and bad choices that destroy marriages and break families apart. We’re pretty sure that is something God would “Like,” don’t you?

Kids. Sex. Money.

Why would that be? With over 400-million users, Facebook has become the preferred communication vehicle for connecting with friends and family, and has quickly integrated into the daily routines of adults of all ages. In its wake, many spouses are grappling to keep up with their feelings towards their mates’ rate of reconnected relationships, degrees of convenience connecting to the online social network, and their level of devotion to the website.

In fact, based off the research for our book, Facebook and Your Marriage (which included personal interviews with Facebookers, conversations with therapists, surveying many blogs and websites, and reading the dozens and dozens of comments on Facebook) we’ve discovered that when a spouse says “Facebook is an issue in my marriage,” it is a cry for help without an understanding of what the real problem is.

They mistakenly blame the website when it is most likely one of these five common Facebooking issues.

#1) Time spent on Facebook
Users spend over 500 billion minutes a month on Facebook. (That’s just short of a million years!) Whether they’re playing Mafia Wars or Farmville, corresponding with people or browsing profiles, the amount of time spent ON Facebook is often viewed as time spent AWAY from the family. And for some, they lose all track of time. Too much Facebook attention can create face-to-face tension between a husband and wife.

#2) Facebook Friends
The average user has 130 Facebook Friends. While the master computers at Facebook try to identify connections between users due to common interests, related friends, and past experiences, it is up to the user to “accept” or “decline” a Friend Request. Married Facebookers can unknowingly create a “situation” with their spouse by friending ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, old flames, former crushes, or past love interests. Other problem Facebook Friends include: a nosy in-law or parent, a wacky family member, a friend who is a bad influence, or a toxic co-worker. All of whom, because they’re online friends with one spouse can affect the real-time life of the other spouse.

#3) Facebook etiquette
Not only is Facebook the largest and fastest growing online social network, it is also the most active with half of all users logging in at least once a day. With so many people passing on so much information at such a rapid pace, many can find themselves regretting or second guessing an update or comment they made for the world to see. Some married people forget that the rant against a spouse, the complaint about their marriage, or putting down their mate in an update can create a tense situation on and off of Facebook.

#4) Facebook updates and comments
On average, users create 70 pieces of content on Facebook per month (updates, uploaded pictures, comments, etc). This opens the door for miscommunication, misreading a comment, inappropriate interactions, and more. For married Facebookers who write border-line comments, offer “TMI” on updates, or chat with questionable friends it can create problems on the home front with an embarrassed, hurt or angry spouse.

#5) Discussions about Facebook
For many of those over the age of thirty, this is their first time ever being a part of an online social network. The feelings of uncertainty and anxiety are fairly normal and valid as they try to understand how to operate and function in a 24/7 online community. If they’re married, they are also viewing what their spouse is doing on Facebook. Any expressed concerns about friends, comments, or communications may be quickly dismissed by the other spouse with, “it’s only Facebook,”, “it’s just a website,” or “it’s not real, I’m just having fun.”

With these common Facebooking issues, the sooner couples learn how to talk about setting up boundaries and using common sense in this social media age, the better off they will be. Especially since being a part of an online social network is not going away anytime soon…or ever.

Our new book, Facebook and Your Marriage, combines our Facebook experiences, marriage education training, and fifteen years of marriage to help couples handle all five of these Facebook-related arguments.

Here’s how Facebook and Your Marriage can help:

#1) Time-saving tips, time-balancing input, and a framework on how to talk about time spent on Facebook and set boundaries without turning it into a lengthy, never ending argument.

#2) Insightful input on sending and accepting Friend Requests and how to set up boundaries surrounding Facebook Friends to protect marriages from potential problems including high-maintenance people or the chances for an emotional affair!

#3) Basic rules for (online) civility and practical ideas for couples to create their own Facebook etiquette so that both husband and wife can decide what is and is not acceptable to post on Facebook!

#4) All sides of the issues related to public and private correspondences, as well as no-nonsense advice on what should and should not be written in updates and comments!

#5) Successful tools and skills that work so couples can have discussions about online issues, share concerns, and talk about their relationship so both sides are heard, understood and everyone wins!

Facebook and Your Marriage reads like a series of online discussion boards in book form, making it easier for couples to find answers to over 120 common questions and issues ranging from Facebook basics to marriage stressors!

Hopefully, Facebook and Your Marriage can help bring peace between husbands and wives…on Facebook and at home.

Buy the Book here:

http://store.powertochange.org/p-392-facebook-and-your-marriage.aspx

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Do you have a passion to see the hurting being restored by Jesus Christ? Do you have an computer? Find out how you can get involved!

Related reading:
Finding Hope in a Chat Room – The story of how a person finds hope online
Join the Chat Room – Experience chat for yourself!

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Power to Change Students teaches you to use facebook as an evangelistic tool.
Online ministry can be done anytime and anywhere. Learn how you can get involved today!

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Campus for Christ wants you to use Facebook to feed into your communities.

#1 Parents must have the password

#2 Parents must have full access to Friends
Facebook has created a number of ways to help Facebookers protect themselves such as setting up Friend Lists, limiting what certain people can access and hiding certain parts of the profile from view. But when it comes to parents and their kids, not only must the parents and kids be Facebook friends, but the parents must be able to view as much as possible – all pictures, videos, posts, updates, tags – everything.This creates a check-and-balance and keeps the surprises to a minimum.

#3 Keep personal information private
Kids are an open book and much more naïve about the world than adults. There really are bad people in the world. Some bad people are using Facebook for bad purposes. Bad people are hacking Facebook accounts to gain access to people’s private information and that of their Facebook friends. To be as safe as possible, don’t post personal information on Facebook (physical address, full birth date, place of employment, etc). Also, avoid updates such as, “Parents are gone. I’m home alone and bored,” or “Our family is gone on vacation for three weeks!” These kinds of updates can invite bad people to do bad things to a family member or the family’s home.

#4 Watch what is said because others are watching
What your kid posts is seen by everyone they’re friends with: family, coaches, youth leaders, teachers, family friends, neighbors and more. If it gets commented on by a Facebook friend, all their friends may see it too. So watch what is said: no swearing, no threats, and no innuendo. Also, watch who is talked about: no complaining about parents, no putting down siblings, no publicizing family spats. A good rule of thumb when posting anything is to ask, “What would happen if what I’m posting was posted on the Google home page for everyone to see?”

#5 Friend real people that are really known
Facebook is about connecting and reconnecting with people who are part of one’s past or present reality. There is no contest or award for “who can get the most Facebook friends.”  Avoid friending people just because others have friended them. Don’t friend strangers. Don’t raid the parents’ friends either. The key question to ask when friending or considering a friend request is, “do I really TRUST this person to see the updates, the pictures and the information I post and not do something bad with them?”

#6 Kids are fully responsible for their Facebook page
While kids can’t be responsible for the dumb things their Facebook friends post on their Wall and News Feed, your kids must be responsible for anything posted from their own profile. If they left a public place and kept their Facebook logged in and somebody posted something acting like your kid (regardless if it’s inappropriate or not), your kid is responsible for it. If they allow a friend to use their Facebook profile to send messages out to people, your kid is responsible for it. Once something is posted, it can never be permanently removed. Hopefully this helps them think twice (or a third or fourth time) about allowing someone else to borrow their identity for a little while.

#7 If in doubt, ask the parents
Participating in an online social network opens up all kinds of new situations and scenarios for people to deal with. Sometimes the right things to do isn’t so clear. In some cases, the “right” solution can feel awkward or put you in a difficult place. Adults don’t always know how to deal with Facebook-related issues, how can we expect our teenage kids to deal with them and do it correctly? Kids need a safe place to turn if a Facebook friend is crossing a line, if an uncomfortable situation arises, or if they don’t know how to respond to a distressing message. That safe place should be their parents.

Buy the Book here