Power to Change » intimacy

Sexual Cravings: Sex-Starved Wife

Wed, 16 May 2012 16:34:09 +0000

As I’ve begun reading emails from all over the world, it is obvious to me that every woman who enters into an exclusive relationship expects to find personal fulfillment living with her chosen mate, which she expects should include satisfying sexual intimacy. Many explain that everything started out well, but that somewhere along the way, their husband lost interest in them sexually. Some say that their husband does not even touch them anymore, and they wonder what is wrong with them…have they become unattractive somehow?

For an increasing number of women, the honeymoon is really over! The challenge is that while a husband and wife are two very unique people who mesh their lives together, each brings different needs, strengths and expectations into their marriage. They are looking forward to years of married bliss. A husband may feel quite satisfied with the way that things are, (not having sex) but a wife may find instead a growing disillusionment that turns to deep cravings for something more . . . More than what her husband is able or willing to give.

Cravings generally build when desires are not satisfied. According to current statistics, between 10% and 50% of men experience a decreased sexual libido at some point during their lives. (the stats are hard to discern, because people won’t talk about this issue, culture depicts men as sex crazed and he is not, both he and his wife wonder, “what’s wrong?”) This imbalanced libido in the marriage can be embarrassing for men whose wives desire more sex and intimacy as time goes on. I give this statistic only to show that sex-starved wives are not alone!

Unconditional love and acceptance are what both husbands and wives crave, most of all. How that love and acceptance are expressed to each other during the challenging seasons of marriage will be key in relighting the sexual fire. This is a key foundation for a couple which enables them to grow closer through the years. What drew the two of you together in the first place? Remember together those early days of dating, and the good memories that you have of being together. It is easy to take each other for granted as the years go by, so be aware and fight that trend together.

Acknowledging differing libidos is the issue not your spouse

Acknowledge the differing libidos as the issue; not your spouse as the problem. Blaming each other takes your focus off the real issue and depletes energy needed for the real issue. Know you are not alone by acknowledging the fact that in all marriages there are two different libidos, at some point. This leaves one partner with unsatisfied sexual cravings. The goal is to make a commitment to discuss the issue. Each needs to be willing to adjust to the way things are (not the way “I wish they were”) with shared responsibility for solving the problem is.

Many women are tempted to give up. Women who write to me express anger, hurt, and resentment towards their mate. Some question whether divorce is the only option. They don’t want to live in what appears to be a “love-less” marriage for the rest of their lives! There is hope, so don’t give up too easily.

Natural divide? Make it two parts that work towards compromise.

In her book, Sex-Starved Wife, Michele Weiner Davis says not to give up on the marriage, even if sex is not happening. If a woman wants more sex, or feels deprived of intimacy, Weiner Davis identifies the solution is in the couple’s commitment to their marriage and willingness to identify what is not working without laying blame.

Some readers might feel that Davis puts too much responsibility on the wife to fix this problem. It seems reasonable, however, for the person who is the most dissatisfied to initiate the discussion. She also needs to consider that the success of her marriage is more important than getting her way.

Your marriage is worth the effort!

Clearly the author believes all marriages are worth the effort. Divorce is not the answer; it does not produce the desired result either! She also believes whatever the problem, there is a solution. No problem or challenge in the area of sexual intimacy is impossible to solve! It may mean that your husband needs to see a doctor who can diagnose and prescribe something to help, but as long as you are being a supportive and caring wife, he will hopefully be motivated to do this for your marriage.

This book is for women who want to work on their marriages and are willing to try different approaches in order to communicate their love for their husband. Those who want to influence (not force) change in their sexual relationship. Weiner Davis practically coaches women to realize that if what they’re doing to encourage their husbands is not working, stop doing it! She suggested to one woman to go out with the girls in the evenings and allow absence to make his heart grow fonder (but you will have to read the book to get the full details of what happened!).

Negativity leads to emotional prison

Weiner Davis encourages women not to think negatively about themselves or their husbands! Those who engage in negative internal messaging destroy self esteem. This leads to getting stuck in an emotional prison; while pulling her husband into it as well. Not very helpful!

How should two people work out an agreeable arrangement in the area of sexual intimacy? Traditionally, it’s the spouse who wants less sex that seems to get his/her way, even if the other spouse is unhappy. The book acknowledges this fact, but gives helpful hints for how to encourage each partner to “give” a little in the area of sexual intimacy, so that both can benefit.

If you want change in your sexual relationship, change must start with you! You can try every method under the sun to effect change in your husband, but his disinterest in sex has evolved for a reason. Please do not hear me saying that this is your fault. It most likely has nothing to do with you, but you should assume your own responsibility for effecting change in your relationship.

Tips on how to deal with unhappiness

How you deal with unhappiness is important. Here are some key tips to help your relationship:

1) Share your concerns. Use “I” statements, not “you.” He needs to know how important intimacy is to you, in order to be motivated to initiate or respond to sex more, since his drive or need for sex is less than yours.

2) Refuse to think negatively. Don’t look for someone to blame. Resist getting angry, bitter or critical, which are not helpful life-changing emotions.

3) Focus on the positive. Express appreciation for all that your spouse does to contribute to the success of your marriage (working hard at a job to support the family, taking care of the yard work, maintenance of the house, etc.). Don’t take anything he does for granted. Be thankful for your husband, and be genuine and consistent in expressing your thankfulness and appreciation!

4) Listen. Allow your husband to share his perspective on sexual intimacy, even if he does blame you, or seems unwilling to change his behaviour. He may feel embarrassed by the topic, or defensive and feel criticized unjustly. You need to know what is happening, from his perspective.

5) Refuse to become overly emotional. Avoid extreme emotions in your communication, or being emotionless in your responses to him. Reach out and touch him as a means of showing that you care. Don’t hold your arms tightly to your chest, or otherwise nonverbally express negative emotions.

6) Work together on a solution. Seek a win/win solution that takes little steps towards what you both want in your sexual intimacy. Don’t overwhelm yourself (and him) with more than you can change; be realistic. Agree to do one thing, to make one change. More than likely, it has taken awhile for you to drift apart and it will take time to begin to pull back together again.

7) Commit to the principle: It is more blessed to give than receive. Seek ways to please and satisfy your partner and generally you will lay the foundation for a growing satisfying level of sexual intimacy.

Understand your partner’s “love language”; learn and understand their love language so you can fill their emotional love tank. This helps express how much you care about him!

Love Language – Video

Help My Husband Doesn’t want sex – article

Backstory

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 08:00:54 +0000

Does life have a backstory?

There are seven billion people in the world. Seven billion stories. And yet there are themes in our stories that are universal: betrayal, love, romance, redemption, sacrifice.

The question—and it’s a really big question—is if there’s a larger story or narrative to which all our stories relate, one that makes sense of our shared experience—a common Back Story. It’s a question you need to answer for yourself. But before coming to a conclusion, consider this story and how it intersects with your own.

INTIMACY

From the beginning, relationships have been woven into the fabric of life. We were fashioned as works of art reflecting the image of our Creator. We think, we choose, we create, and we were designed to love—to experience intimacy with God and each other.

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. So God created people in his own image; God patterned them after himself; male and female he created them.”— Genesis 1:1, 27 (NLT)

Oughtness.

Instilled in us is a longing for the ideal world and perfect intimacy for which we were created. We sense that the evils of war and rape and death are alien to our existence. As Martin Luther King Jr. observed, we are confronted by an “eternal oughtness” that the world is not as it ought to be, that unconditional love and perfect peace are forever elusive.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate your desire to know God?

Do you see yourself moving closer to, or further away from God?

As you observe the world what screams to you: this is not how things ought to be?

BETRAYAL

But intimacy was lost. Humanity turned from the source of life and chose to live without God. Now pain, selfishness, and a corrupted nature stain all our relationships. We experience the world as broken, life as lacking, and things not as they ought to be.

“The Lord saw how great man’s wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. The Lord was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain.” —Genesis 6:5-6

The Human Condition

1] FALLEN. “All of us are unclean and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags” (Isaiah 6 4:6). We were created for a relationship with God. But our hearts turned proud, and pride corrupted. We abandoned God and intimacy turned to alienation. Humanity is now fallen. None of us lives or loves as we ought. This is called sin.

2] BROKEN. “Meaningless! Meaningless! Everything is meaningless! What is twisted cannot be straightened; what is lacking cannot be counted” (compilation Ecclesiastes 1- 2 ). Sin severed our relationship with God and every relationship contingent to it: people with people (war, racism), men with women (sexism, divorce), people with nature (waste, pollution), and people with themselves (shame, fear). Sin has led us to this separation.

3] UNFAITHFUL. “They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator” (Romans 1:25 ). Rather than return to God, we construct our own paths to redemption and replace God with every conceivable substitute: money, success, popularity, entertainment, possesions, sex, power, drugs…If this account is true, it should seem intuitive. We should sense that God is there but distant from us; that the world is not as it ought to be; that evil pollutes our thoughts and actions; and that the pursuit of redemption is universal.

How have you personally sensed or experienced life’s brokenness?

ANTICIPATION

Is there any hope? Actually, yes. Though we betrayed God, he did not abandon us. Through the prophets God promised to send a savior who would restore and rescue us from the consequences of our sin and betrayal.

“The Lord has sent this message to every land …‘Look, your Savior is coming...In that day he will remove the cloud of gloom, the shadow of death that hangs over the earth. He will swallow up death forever! The Sovereign Lord will wipe away all tears…The Lord has spoken!’” —Isaiah 62:11; 25:7 (NLT)

The prophets were God’s messengers through whom he promised the world a future Deliverer (MESSIAH). Their message, preserved in Jewish Scripture, was validated as their many predictions came to pass.

The Promised Deliverer

1. Born in Bethlehem – written between 735-700 B.C. “You, Bethlehem Ephrathah, though you are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for me one who will be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old, from eternity past.” — Micah 5:2

2. Born of a virgin — written between 701- 681 B.C. “The Lord himself will give you a sign: the virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.” — Isaiah 7:14

Through the prophets, God described the coming Messiah. Above are 2 of over 90 specific messianic prophecies found in Scripture, all written centuries before Jesus. Among other signs, the Messiah was to be born in Bethlehem and birthed of a virgin; only one person has ever fit such a description.

Is there a time that you can remember experiencing God’s presence or direction? Have you ever sensed God communicating to you?

PURSUIT

As promised, God sent the one who would rescue and restore us. His name was Jesus. The unique Son of God became one of us. He spoke truth, modeled love, dispensed grace, granted forgiveness, and offered life in all of its fullness.

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed.” — Luke 4:18

Uniqueness

The concept of “Messiah” differs from that of a prophet, mystic, or sage. Messiah (Mashiach in Hebrew) is humanity’s Deliverer, the go-between or bridge between God and man. In claiming to be the Messiah, Jesus claimed:

1] FORGIVENESS. There’s no shortage of moral codes one might strive to live by. Jesus claimed to forgive the million ways we fall short of any and all moral standards. He said to the paralytic, ”Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven.”— Matthew 9:2

2] RESTORATION. Jesus claimed to redeem and restore that which sin had destroyed. God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but to save it. —John3:17 (NLT)

3] SON OF GOD. From forgiving sin to granting eternal life, Jesus did what God alone can do. As C.S. Lewis observed, “A man who said the sorts of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman.” “Why does [Jesus] talk like that? He’s blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?” — Mark 2:7

How is Jesus different from other religious figures?

If God were to wipe away every wrong thing you’ve ever done, said, or thought—past, present and future—how would you feel or respond?

SACRIFICE

Life’s greatest mystery was revealed in love’s greatest act. Jesus, the author of life, died for us, taking upon himself our guilt and atoning for our sin. How can we be sure? God raised Jesus from the dead. He is alive today and offers life to all who would receive it.

“Christ died for our sins once for all time: the just dying for the unjust, in order that He might bring us to God.” —1 Peter 3:18 (compilation of NLT and NIV translations)

“And yet, along comes this idea called grace. Love interrupts the consequences of your actions...the point of the death of Christ is that Christ took on the sins of the world, so that what we put out did not come back to us. That’s the point.” —Bono

Crosswords

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement.” — Romans 3: 23-25

SINNED: moral failing in thought and action. In what we do, and what we fail to do.
JUSTIFIED: a judiciary term where the guilty party is declared, not only innocent, but morally blameless.
GRACE: a free, unmerited gift, neither earned or deserved.
REDEMPTION: the price paid to purchase someone out of slavery.
SACRIFICE: religious usage: a substitute takes upon themselves the suffering and judgment of another.

Jesus’ death is the ultimate demonstration of God’s love. He took upon himself the pain, guilt, death, and condemnation of our sin and betrayal in order to restore a relationship that we have rejected.

When you see the image of the cross what does it mean to you?

Given these definitions, how does Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection provide the solution to our sin and separation from God?

INVITATION

Now God invites us to come back to him through trusting in Jesus. Forgiveness is a free and undeserved gift, received only through genuine faith in Jesus Christ. Receiving Christ opens the door to life in all of its fullness.

“God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. —1 John 5:11-12

Life Everlasting

Jesus described eternal life in relational terms. He said “eternal life is this: that we might fully know the one true God and Jesus Christ whom he sent.” Eternal life is an ever-growing, never stagnating relationship with God, as well as ourselves, others, and nature. Here’s also what Jesus said about eternal life:

“I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life.” — John 5:24

“For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” — John 6:40

Which image best represents what you imagine when you think of eternal life? Why?

If eternal life is the restoration of perfect intimacy with God, then according to Jesus what is needed to have eternal life? Why?

REUNION

The climax of the story is still to come, when Jesus returns to judge all with perfect fairness. The unbelieving and disobedient will not enter the life to come. But the forgiven will experience life in all its fullness, enjoying intimacy with God and each other forever. Look, the home of God is now among his people! He will live with them.

“He will remove all of their sorrows, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. For the old world and its evils are gone forever.” —Revelation 21:3,4 (NLT)

"End? No, the journey doesn’t end here. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass. And then you see it. White shores. And beyond…a far green country under a swift sunrise." —Gandalf, The Return of the King

This is the story: from rebellion to reunion, our journey back to intimacy with God. In response, here are a few questions to consider.

Is it true? Does this story resonate, making sense of life? More thoughts...

If you’re uncertain, try reading the Bible for yourself. Start with the Gospel of John, an account of Jesus’ life, words, and works. See what you think.

Do you believe that you need Jesus? More thoughts...

Jesus claimed to be the solution to our fundamental problem—separation from God caused by our sin. Do you desire the forgiveness and new life that he provides? Do you want him to lead and guide your life?

A Turning Point?

All good stories have turning points and this could be the turning point of your story. If you desire to turn to God and receive Christ as your Savior, you can express that right now in prayer. The following is simply a suggested prayer.

“Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. I admit that I have sinned against God and am separated from him. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins in order to bring me back to God. I ask you to be my Savior and Lord. Thank you for giving me eternal life and making me a part of the family of God. Take control of my life and make me the person you created me to be.”

DOES THIS PRAYER EXPRESS YOUR DESIRE?

Like the “I Do” of a marriage ceremony, it’s not the words that are important but rather the decision to entrust yourself to another. This is a free gift from God that you receive, not work for or earn. Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? If so, you can pray right now. And you can know on the basis of God’s promise that your sins are forgiven and you have eternal life.

Take just a moment and read the following passages:

“God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son. He who has the Son has the life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have the life. These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, in order that you may know that you have eternal life.” —1 John 5:11-13

“By grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works that no one should boast.” —Ephesians 2:8,9

“[Christ speaking] Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if any one hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him.” — Revelation 3:20 (NASB)

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” — Hebrews 13:5

“Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” — John 1:12

According to the truth of these passages, if you prayed to receive Christ you can know that: your sins are forgiven, you have eternal life, you are a child of God, and that Jesus entered your life and will never leave you.

Next Steps

You now have a new relationship with God through Jesus Christ: a relationship that will never end, beginning now and lasting eternally. Like all relationships, your walk with God will need to grow and mature. Here are a few suggestions and resources to help you grow in your relationship with Christ.

1. Try spending a few minutes each day reading the Bible and praying.
2. Start reading the gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John) and then move on to the rest of the New Testament.
3. Get connected with other Christians. Get involved with a local church or Bible study.
4. Check out StartingWithGod.com, and you’ll also find personal growth resources at CruPress.com.
5. Last, look for opportunities to share with others your decision to trust Christ and follow him.

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Talking about Emotional Abandonment

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 09:00:45 +0000

Do you sometimes feel emotionally disconnected even though your spouse is standing right next to you? FamilyLife Directors Neil and Sharol Josephson have been married for over thirty years and have spoken with thousands of couples. They discuss gender and personality differences for emotional abandonment, and how the way your parents connected when you were growing up may affect the way you communicate with your spouse today. How can you respond to your spouse’s desire for emotional intimacy while expressing your own relational needs?

Next: Connecting Emotionally

Take the next step:
How do you deal with a disengaged spouse?
Need tips on how to communicate?
How your online activities affect your personal relationships

Return to the Emotional Abandonment Index Page

Emotional Abandonment: Bridging the Gap

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 09:00:42 +0000

Do you sometimes feel emotionally disconnected even though your spouse is standing right next to you? FamilyLife Directors Neil and Sharol Josephson have been married for over thirty years and have spoken with thousands of couples. In this video series, they discuss gender and personality differences for emotional abandonment, and how the way your parents connected when you were growing up may affect the way you communicate with your spouse today. How can you respond to your spouse’s desire for emotional intimacy while expressing your own relational needs?

1. Causes of Emotional Abandonment
2. Dealing with a Disengaged Spouse
3. Talking about Emotional Abandonment
4. Connecting Emotionally
5. Good Communication in Marriage
6. Sex and Emotional Connections

Dealing with a Disengaged Spouse

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 09:00:39 +0000

Next: Talking about Emotional Abandonment

Take the next step:
How do you deal with a disengaged spouse?
Need tips on how to communicate?
How your online activities affect your personal relationships

Return to the Emotional Abandonment Index Page

What Causes Emotional Abandonment?

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 09:00:36 +0000

Next: Dealing with a Disengaged Spouse

Take the next step:
How do you deal with a disengaged spouse?
Need tips on how to communicate?
How your online activities affect your personal relationships

Return to the Emotional Abandonment Index Page

Sex and Emotional Connections

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 09:00:17 +0000

Take the next step:
How do you deal with a disengaged spouse?
Need tips on how to communicate?
How your online activities affect your personal relationships

Return to the Emotional Abandonment Index Page

Good Communication in Marriage

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 09:00:15 +0000

Next: Sex and Emotional Connections

Take the next step:
How do you deal with a disengaged spouse?
Need tips on how to communicate?
How your online activities affect your personal relationships

Return to the Emotional Abandonment Index Page

Connecting Emotionally

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 09:00:07 +0000

Next: Good Communication in Marriage

Take the next step:
How do you deal with a disengaged spouse?
Need tips on how to communicate?
How your online activities affect your personal relationships

Return to the Emotional Abandonment Index Page

Why Do I Struggle with Sexual Intimacy?

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 23:48:08 +0000

There’s another way your abuse could be impacting you and that’s in your enjoyment and desire for sex with your spouse. In addition to the ways sexual abuse damages our bodies, spirits and emotions, sexual abuse also damages our view of sex. When we’ve been used for others’ sexual pleasure the experience becomes associated with a negative view of sex.

One of the most confusing things for the sexual abuse victim is how their bodies responded during the abuse. How can something that feels scary, wrong and shameful also feel so good? Often a strategic pedophile grooms his victim by awakening their sexual desire making them a more willing, pliable participant. Now something that God designed for a holy, precious union between a husband and a wife has been seared on the young person’s brain as something shameful, dirty, and painful.

Then they get married to the person of their dreams. They’re madly in love. They want to have sex with this person; except, when their sexual desire is aroused, the unexpected happens. The old familiar feelings of shame, disgust and the sense that this is wrong squelches their desire and causes them to shrink back from the loving touch of their spouse. Or if their abuse was violent causing fear and feelings of helplessness, those same emotions will arise during sexual intimacy, even though this is a safe person. You see, sexual abuse not only robs a child of their childhood, but also steals from their future. The result is an emotional and physical withdrawal on the part of the sexual abuse victim fracturing the marriage union at its foundation.

If this is you, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for all that’s been robbed from you–your yesterday and your today. There is hope for you. It no longer has to rob you of your future. You can choose today to break its hold on you, to heal from the pain and shame to love and live in freedom and wholeness.

I can hear some of you saying to yourself, “But I’ve done all the counseling…I’ve tried everything I can think of, and nothing has worked.” You may not like my answer, but I’m going to encourage you to not give up. Don’t give up. Healing is a journey, a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. Along with the support of a professional counselor I encourage you to try the steps of healing offered – “How to Heal from Your Sexual Past”. I’ve seen God transform and heal the lives of hundreds of women as they’ve brought their hurts and pain to Him.

There is hope for healing. God can heal anyone. He can heal anything. He’s done it for me, and countless others. And He wants to do it for you.

Please, just don’t give up.

For further reading in this series:

Childhood Sexual Abuse: How the past affects the present
How do I know if I’ve been sexually abused?
Why do I feel this way?
How do I know if I need healing?
How can I heal from my sexual past?

Would you like to talk to a mentor? Just use this form and you’ll get a personal, private response from your mentor, usually within a couple of days. Can we pray for you?