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Several routes to this disastrous awakening exist. The first is obvious: perhaps you had sex with several guys before you were married, and it was an empty experience. Most teenage girls who sleep around, for instance, don’t experience orgasm, and often don’t really experience much arousal at all. The guys aren’t really into giving the girls pleasure; they’re too young and immature. So your body doesn’t necessarily learn how to become aroused, and sex isn’t that exciting.

The other route is the exact opposite. You did everything right. You waited until you were married to make love, but your husband was so into it that everything happened very fast. He liked it so much that he wanted to all the time. So it became a chore. You never really “awakened” love.

What’s all the fuss about?

I think many women are in this situation. They just don’t see what all the fuss with sex is about. It seems like everyone is lying to them. It’s as if culture is trying to con women into thinking it’s something great, so that you’ll want to make love all the time, but the truth is it’s not that great at all. They start to believe that sex was designed for men, and it’s a big rip off.

If this is you, your love was awakened too early, and in the wrong way. And chances are you’ve become a little bitter about sex. It’s just something else on your to-do list. Then you read on blogs that Christian women are supposed to understand how much their husbands need sex, and you’re supposed to put out. Oh, great. That’s really fun now, isn’t it?

I understand. Believe me, I do. But I also think that there’s a way past this, and I want to share it with you today to offer some hope.

How to awaken love again

Maybe what you need to do is to awaken love again. Talk to your husband about it, and if he will agree, take a sexual hiatus for two or three weeks, or longer if you have to. During that time you agree not to make love. That way the pressure is off. You’re not working towards some goal anymore. Instead, take that time to explore. Lie naked together and just touch each other. Let him touch you and figure out what actually feels good. Have baths together.

It may kill him, and so I really don’t recommend that this last very long for his sake. But I think some women need to be reminded that they do, actually, have a sex drive. It’s just buried and never really woke up for a whole variety of reasons. We need to figure out what feels good, and he needs to figure out what to do to make you feel good. You can also have fun with his body, too, when you realize that your performance isn’t the point of the evening.

I don’t recommend this for everyone (though it is fun for a night every now and then in almost any marriage), but if you talk with your husband and explain it, I think it can revolutionize many marriages.

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I love my husband, but I don’t like sex
Help! My wife doesn’t want sex
Help! My husband doesn’t want sex 

Then, when we know that we’re not really in the mood for an amazing, earth-shattering experience, we feel like it would be dishonest to go ahead and have sex. So we don’t do anything at all. We roll over and say goodnight and wait for a night where we might actually be breathless and wanting it–even if such nights only occur about every six weeks (or six months), if we’re lucky.

But here’s the truth about female libido: normally we aren’t breathless until we start making love. Our libido isn’t like a man’s; we don’t typically feel “hot” before we start. We usually need some stimulation to help things get going. And interestingly, the more women have sex, the easier it is to become aroused. The less often women have sex, the harder it is to become aroused. It’s not like if we deprive ourselves for a long time, that makes it even hotter. It’s actually the opposite. The less you do it, the less you want to do it. Your body just forgets about its sex drive.

Have you ever heard the term maintenance sex? Maintenance sex is not a Hollywood idea where every encounter is supposedly incredible.  Maintenance sex is a real marriage term. In real marriage I think maintenance sex is important. It keeps the juices flowing, so to speak.  So maintenance sex is not just about pleasing him; it’s sort of like making love as a promise to him and to yourself:  I’m doing this because sex is important in our relationship. I’m doing this because I believe sex is great, even if the earth doesn’t always move for me. And I’m doing this because I know that the earth will move for me soon, even if it’s not tonight.

Now, if the earth NEVER moves for you, check out Why Doesn’t Sex Fell That Good to Me?  To Love Honor and Vacuum, my blog has numerous other articles about women and sex.

Remember that maintenance sex helps him feel good about the relationship, keeps you connected, and helps your own libido. So don’t forget about sex until you really want to. Make love regularly. It doesn’t have to take a ton of time.  Just throw yourself into it, and you’ll likely find that your improved attitude makes it a lot more fun!

So what do we do if we’re honestly feeling horrible, and yet our husbands still want to make love? He wants to get pleasure from something that seems to be causing you pain. That just seems wrong, and slightly disgusting. You want to be honored and loved; and he wants to feel loved in a sexual way. But how can sex be good if it results in you feeling pain?

Unfortunately, you’re essentially at a deadlock: he wants something that you feel that you can’t give him, and so you don’t feel loved; and you don’t want to give him what he feels he needs, and so he doesn’t feel loved. Both of you have a legitimate problem, and neither is going to win by getting into an argument as to which need is paramount. Both of you require the other to give something that seems too large to give.

Don’t just give in

Giving in is not the answer.  The answer is a significant change of mindset.  This change of mindset will aid in moving toward oneness, true intimacy.

First, let me give a little background on a woman’s sex drive. Women function largely in our minds. In order for us to become aroused, our minds have to be engaged. Men aren’t like that. Men are very body-focused, so for them to be ready to go, they don’t have to think much at all. Because we are mostly in our mind, we are also extremely prone to distraction.  If a stray thought comes into our mind, we can lose any amount of arousal we feel. Thus, the “not tonight, honey, because I have a headache” is very real for most women. When we are feeling pain, it’s extremely hard to get in the mood because something else is intruding.

Sex can actually help with physical pain

Nevertheless, that’s often the best treatment. Researchers have found that one of the best cures for a migraine is sex. The sudden release and euphoria often stops the pain, and frequent sex seems to prevent them. So even though it’s counterintuitive, sex often helps with headaches.

The same is true with other kinds of muscle pain. Sex allows muscles to relax, and is a tremendous physical boost. And it helps you sleep better!

I know it’s hard to see it like that when you’re in pain, but pray that God will show you that sex can be something that helps with pain and exhaustion, not something that can contribute to it. When sex becomes all about something you do for him, it’s a chore, and it’s only going to contribute to your pain and your exhaustion. When sex, on the other hand, becomes something you can share which can help you relax and help you feel less pain, then you’ve got a stake in it, too.

The key is to get to the point where you can actually physically enjoy sex when your body itself is in great discomfort and very tense. Instead of looking on it as a chore, though, why not look on it as a challenge as a couple? It may be that you need to spend a lot of time relaxing first, in a hot bath together, or with a massage. You may need to work at finding a position that feels the most comfortable for you. You may even need to work at achieving orgasm for you some other way than intercourse (even if he achieves orgasm through intercourse), since it’s orgasm that’s most likely to help you relax.

Explain to your husband that you want to see if you can start connecting physically and sexually so that you feel better together, but also so that your body finds new ways to relax and get some sleep. That means that sex has to be something, for you, that is gentle, drawn out, and low-pressure. But it also means that, for him, it is something that should be rather frequent. It means that he’s going to have to learn a lot of foreplay, and learn to do a lot of massage. But the good part is that you get to connect a lot more and feel a lot more intimate.

Maybe with this being a new year you can try to turn over a new leaf and pray that God will help you see sex differently, as a potential to make you feel more physically safe and comfortable, and more intimate with your husband.

And perhaps, instead of sex being something you fight over, sex can become something which helps both of you feel better!

Have you ever struggled with pain? How did you resolve it as a couple? Share in the comments below.

1. Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.
2. A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.
3. Men are insecure. Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life — not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.
4. Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family. Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.
5. Men want more sex. Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.
6. Sex means more than sex. When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!
7. Men struggle with visual temptation. This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.
8. Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic. True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?
9. Men care about their wife’s appearance. This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.
10. Men want their wives to know how much they love them. This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.

In today’s “anything goes” culture what are the parameters for good sex between a Christian husband and wife?

God definitely has something to say on this topic.  First and most important, is the necessity that each spouse honors the other’s comfort level, respectfully. True love does not force someone to do something that causes them pain, shame or discomfort, be it physical or emotional.  If one spouse puts on the brakes, the other needs to honor that.  However, I’ve also discovered that for women who have been sexually abused or had sexual trauma in their past, their sexual comfort level can be skewed, in that ANYTHING associated with sex causes them discomfort or even disgust. For those women, healing is needed in order to see sexuality as God created it – a good and wonderful thing between husband and wife.  For more information refer to my article Healing from your Sexual Past or my book Kiss Me Again:  Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage

When it comes to knowing what is appropriate in God’s eyes, ask these three questions:

1. Is it prohibited in Scripture?
If it isn’t prohibited in Scripture, then it’s allowed. Sometimes a study of biblical terms will be necessary to answer this question. For example, the Bible does not use the word pornography, yet, is very clear that the use of pornography is prohibited in Scripture. God talks about sexual immorality and sexual impurity, including obscenity – these are all words that would describe pornography. I have talked to many Christian couples who felt that pornography within marriage is okay. However, I would argue based on my study of the Scriptures, and the damage caused by pornography, that God’s language on this topic prohibits the making, viewing and distributing of pornography.

2. Is it beneficial?
2 Corinthians 6:12 says, “Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but I will not be mastered by anything.” If your activity is not prohibited, ask God to show you if it’s causing you, your spouse or your marriage harm in any way. Often what is right for one person, could trigger painful things for someone else, and therefore, cause pain for you and your marriage. Don’t allow anything into your bedroom that becomes an obsession for one or both of you.  Don’t choose something that may demoralize, or replace the other.

3. Does it involve anyone else?
This one is really important, because in Hebrews 13:4, God implores us to honor our marriage bed and keep it pure. He gave sex as an amazing, bonding gift within marriage, between a husband and a wife. Whenever we bring anyone else into our marriage bed, even through pornography or in fantasy in our minds, we have crossed into the prohibited area according to God.

I would also caution you to be careful how much you talk about your “marital bedroom”.  What happens between a husband and wife is private and personal.  You need to trust one another that what you do with each other is not a topic of conversation with others.  The key is to honor and respect your partner in all things, which includes what we talk about with others.  There is a very fine line of what is appropriate and what is not.

God loves us so much, and because He is our Creator He knows exactly what we need, what will hurt us, and what will be good for us and help us thrive. His guidelines are not to punish us or ruin our fun, but to provide the best for us, and to protect us from incredible heartbreak, pain and damage.  So with that in mind have fun together and enjoy what God created for pleasure!

Take the next step:

How you can have better sex
Reconciling your sexual past with your marriage
Say “Yes” to more sex

There are a thousand books, ads and even people that are all too happy to tell us what we’re supposed to want, but what do you want, really? When you’re alone in the dark what is it that your soul craves? In this video author and speaker Erwin McManus identifies three core cravings of the human spirit. Which one is yours?

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Originally written by Charles H. Spurgeon, published in “Mornings & Evenings,” entry for Dec 26th, PM.
Updated to modern English by Power to Change.

“Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20)

The Lord Jesus is always intimately involved in His church. He walks among you, and His promise is “I am with you always.” He is as close to us now as He was to the disciples at the lake when they sat and ate fish with Him around a fire. Not physically, but still in real truth and presence, Jesus is with us.

And this is a blessed truth, since where Jesus is, love becomes inflamed. Of all the things in the world that can set the heart burning, there is nothing like the presence of Jesus! A glimpse of Him so overcomes us, that we are ready to say, “Turn your eyes from me; they overwhelm me.” (Song of Solomon 6:5) Even the touch of his garments causes the sick and the faint to grow strong. If we for even a moment lean our heads against Him, and receive His divine love into our poor cold hearts, we are cold no longer, but glow hot in love. We will gain strength equal to every labor and capable of withstanding every suffering.

If we know that Jesus is with us, all our abilities will be developed, every grace strengthened. We must cast ourselves into the Lord’s service with heart, and soul, and strength. Therefore the presence of Christ is to be desired above anything else. His presence will most clearly be appreciated by those who are most like Him. If you desire to see Christ, you must seek to conform ever more closely to Him. Bring yourself, by the power of the Spirit, into union with Christ’s desires, and motives, and plans of action, and you are likely to be favored with His company.

Remember, Jesus is with you. His promise is as true as ever. He delights to be with us. If He does not come, if He does not seem close, it is because we hinder Him by our indifference. He will reveal Himself to our earnest prayers, and graciously lend an ear to our praises, requests, and tears, for these are the golden chains which bind Jesus to His people.

Question: When God seems far from you, where can you turn for reassurance?

“Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”" Matthew 26:36-38

Transparency is an oft – overlooked element in our growing closer to Jesus Christ. Intimacy with the Lord requires our full, humble, and honest openness before Him.

Jesus Himself was a wonderful model of openness as He dealt with His disciples. For instance, we read in today’s Bible verse that, in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus shared with the disciples His anguish over His upcoming crucifixion and brief separation from God the Father.

Knowing that the sins of the entire world were about to be cast upon Him, Jesus grieved, even to point of near death. Here was God, clothed in human flesh, being completely honest, open, and forthright about His emotions. This is how Christ would have us react to Him.

A proud, arrogant, egotistical, self – sufficient Christianity bristles at the thought of such transparency. Why should I burden God with this when I can handle it myself? I’m just not going to deal with God about this. Such thinking and behavior goes against everything for which God created us.

However, God cherishes and honors a humble, contrite spirit from someone trying to be himself or herself before the Lord. Confess sin, worry, doubt, and fear. He already knows all, but your willingness to intimately share with Him all the details speaks volumes about the bent of your heart.

Question: Where do you find it easiest to have “intimacy” (quiet time) with God?

Did you realize that the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is the time spouses and family members are most ignored?

Are you mutually devoted? Then declare it! There is nothing quite as wonderful as being in a mutual admiration society with your spouse! Just knowing that you chose the other above all others will help you weather the holidays.

Think about how good it feels when your spouse lets you know he or she wants to be with you. Maybe through a twinkle in the eye, a gentle caress or a loving compliment, your mate let’s you know he or she is mutually devoted to you.

It feels so good to be affirmed, but don’t assume your mate knows you love him or her, declare it. Here are some ways to demonstrate your devotion to your partner:

• Present your mate with a long stem rose.
• Take a picture of the two of you. (You could frame it for a Christmas present to your spouse.)
• Write a love note on the steamed bathroom mirror.
• Send your mate an email or text declaring your devotion.
• Invite your mate out on a date that you totally plan. Keep the location a surprise.

Take our tips and don’t just assume your mate knows you admire him or her. Form your own mutual admiration society today! It’ll help you stay “mutually devoted” and will add to your holiday joy.

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5 Tools to build a more intimate marriage
Take a lesson: Bring the romance back
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