My first lesson in cohabitation came during the first week of my freshman year at university.

“What are you DOING?” my roommate demanded in tones usually reserved for horrified Moms.  I couldn’t figure out why she was upset.

“I just turned on the light,” I said, thinking it should be pretty obvious.

“Well turn it OFF,” she told me.  “It’s two in the morning.  I have an eight o’clock lab.” With that she rolled over and dove back under the blankets.

I turned the light off, a little miffed at first. I  wondered how I was supposed to find my pjs in the dark.  The door to our room was still open and I realized that there was enough light from the hallway to find my clothes.  I took them into the communal bathroom down the hall and a few minutes later climbed into bed in the dark.

The next week I bought a very small bedside lamp and I learned a crucial lesson.  When you live with someone you have to start thinking about them.  You have to take them into consideration in all matters.  Yes, it was reasonable for me to expect to not have to hunt for things in the dark.  But it was also totally reasonable for my roommate to expect to not be woken up at two in the morning.  The small lamp was the first compromise.  It wasn’t the last.

Learning to live with another person is no easy feat.

By nature, humans tend towards selfishness.  Left to our own devices, we choose with our own best interest at heart.  But when you choose to share your life with someone, whether that’s in a romantic relationship or not, you have to make room for that other person just as they have to make room for you.

They key is in learning the art of compromise.  There’s a fine line between bending to accommodate another person and bending so far that you completely lose yourself in the process.   In her article “Learning to Live with One Another Without Losing Myself” W. Smith writes:

We’ve often been taught as women that our love should be sacrificial, that we should be willing to put others first. The potential danger in this thinking is that a woman may give up who she is. She may find herself surrendering her own dreams, desires and calling, in an effort to best serve and please her husband. She loses a part of herself, and may find in future years that she lost something precious. Part of the tragedy is that she can no longer bring all of herself to the marriage, either.

So how you bend enough but not to far? You need to figure out which things matter and which don’t.  What are the things that you cannot compromise on? It may a financial matter – I cannot spend more than X amount on cable.  It could be time spent with extended family.  For these issues, hold your ground and make sure your partner knows that these are the areas you cannot bend on.  Once you’ve figured these out you can work through the less important things.

You are going to need to decide how the bathroom will get cleaned even though neither of you really wants to do it.  The bills need to get paid.  Someone needs to grocery shop.  With a little time you can work out a system that works for both of you. It may look nothing like the way your mother did it and that’s totally okay.

There will be a few things you will never agree on, but hopefully they will be pretty minor. In my house it’s scrambled eggs – frying pan versus saucepan.  Silly, right? I like my scrambled eggs light and fluffy which you just can’t do in a frying pan.  So on those Saturday mornings when we cook up a big breakfast the bacon and pancakes and hashbrowns are cooked together and then I’ll hear “Hey these are almost done if you want to cook your eggs.” It’s an easy solution to a small problem and our house remains at peace.

Learning to live together does get easier, although my Mom will tell you that there are still things she’s learning about my Dad 40 years after they married.  I think that’s part of the fun.  If you are getting married or are recently married you can learn more in our special Life Lesson  series Reflections for a Bride.

What do you find is the greatest challenge when sharing your space?

From our first days on the playground to those tentative first days at work, everyone wants to belong.

John Donne famously penned the line “no man is an island” and it turns out, he was really on to something.  In Allen Unrau’s article, “Be Friendly and Live Longer” he writes:

According to a study published in Psycholigical Science, older people who are regularly helpful to others reduce their risk of dying by over 50 percent compared to peers who provide no practical or emotional support to relatives, neighbors or friends.  Give and live – this sounds like a good plan!

Who knew we need each other so badly? Keep reading “Be Friendly and Live Longer” to learn more ways that community is good for your health.

Are you looking for community? There’s always something happening in the chat room.  Come on it and join the conversation.

It occurs to me that the first fellowship group that ever formed around Christ is probably represented somewhere in your house right now. It has some common shepherds in peasants’ clothes, three princes in royal robes, a man and a woman holding a newborn baby, and a random assortment of farm animals seeking shelter in a run down barn. We have ours actually on the window sill in the dining room because there was no room for them in the inn (the living room, actually).

Together they constitute the first welcoming committee and, in a way, the first small group brought together by Jesus. They are the only people we know about, aside from Mary and Joseph and a handful of others, who had any clue what was going on with this miraculous birth. Angelic appearances had informed Mary, Joseph and the shepherds; the magi had deduced it from the stars.

They represented most likely Jews and Arabs, perhaps multiple races, numerous social class distinctions, different nationalities and religions, and a broad range of intellectual knowledge. And there they were gathered around Jesus, and the one thing they had in common is that they were all invited. They all heard from God. They were hand picked for the occasion. I wonder if you could call this the first small fellowship group.

Given that it was the first fellowship group, what do you suppose they talked about? I can imagine they talked about how they got there — what the angel said, how the stars were positioned in the sky, what the ancient books of knowledge indicated, or how their ears were still ringing from the angelic choir. They must have heard some of the story from Mary and Joseph and they would have been trying to put all the pieces together, while still left with plenty of pieces that didn’t fit. But most of all, I believe they were filled with wonder over why they were there and not someone else.

Today, we’re still gathering together around Jesus. We’re amazed that He invited us. We’re telling stories about how we came to know Him, and we’re talking a lot about how our lives have never been the same since. We’ve been thrown together from all walks of life with one thing in common. We, too, don’t have all the pieces together, but we are most amazed that among all the people in the world, He would choose us.

Question: Do you have a small group? Would it be beneficial to your own spiritual walk to find one, and also to share your own gifts with others?

About this Author: John Fischer