When I shared with him about how God is a father to us, he had a really hard idea grasping that concept. I guess it’s difficult for all of us: none of us has had a perfect father, and some of us have never known our dads at all. It’s a paradox that God would be a perfect example of a father, especially when we can’t see him.

1 John 3: 1 says, “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” According to the Bible, God is the most loving father we could ever have.  We need to first believe it, and then accept his love. Once we accept this love, and the sacrifice that he paid for us on the cross, then it will begin to change us.

1 John 3:23 says “And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. The one who keeps God’s commands lives in him, and he in them.”  As we receive his love, we will then start to care less about the things in this world, and begin to experience the love, peace and acceptance that only comes from the Father’s heart.

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I am married to a wonderful woman. 

I recall grunting in agreement and relishing the moment.  I had found the one.

But now I’m not so sure.

For those who may know me in person, please don’t start any rumors.  Shelaine and I have a sound marriage, a strong bond, and a deep love.  But I am no longer convinced that our marriage is strong because Shelaine is perfect for me, or that I am ideal for her.  We are certainly compatible, and share similar values and ways of thinking.  But we differ on all sorts of interests and skills.  So why does our marriage work?  I’m now more convinced that the success of our marriage is not because we “found the one,” but because we have “chosen this one” to love deeply and faithfully.   There’s a big difference.

The Myth of Finding “The One”

The myth that there is one perfect person out there who will make the ideal mate shows up in our fairy tales, favorite movies, and video games.  The myth goes something like this:  You are a searcher in this game called love, and if you put your time in, and meet lots of potential mates, you’re bound to find “the one.”  But it’s not all up to you, for Lady Luck will be on your side.  And one day, cross your fingers, you’ll discover your very own one-in-a-million mate.

While this prospect may seem daunting, the myth also promises that you will know “the one” from special signals—a glance across the room, their drop-dead good looks, or magical words they speak.  After meeting “the one,” you will fall for him or her as naturally as gravity drops stone.  You will feel emotionally and sexually drawn to them, think about them, spend money on them, act crazy around them, and ignore others for love of them.  Eventually you will fix your hopes and dreams on them, for after all, they are meant for you.

It’s a nice story but let’s look at this objectively… 

What if Lady Luck really is in charge of us finding a life partner?  This means that our lives are not much different from rolling dice in Vegas.  Some get lucky, and win the jackpot.  Most do not.  But at least in Vegas the odds of throwing sevens with two dice (for example) are 6 out of the 36 possible combinations, or 1 in 6.  Those are pretty good odds.  Wouldn’t it be great if every sixth person we meet could be “the one”?

But the myth says there’s just one.  Not one in six.  So with eight billion people on earth the odds against us increase dramatically.   Finding true love with Lady Luck makes for a slim chance it will happen.

Believing the myth leads to two harmful patterns

The first is to think that the more people we date or marry or love, the more likely we will finally roll a winner.   In its honest form this makes us date-maniacs; in its ugly form it makes us promiscuous.   In college I knew a guy who took one woman to a morning soccer game, another to an afternoon football game, and a third to an evening play.  When I commented, quite smugly, “I date only women I think I might marry,” he smiled and responded, “Me too!”  Maybe so, but to me it looked like he was fishing.  And I probably was too.

The other bad pattern is that we begin to think that a series of failed relationships increases our chances of getting lucky the next time.  This is called the gambler’s fallacy.  Like a person who has not thrown a seven in thirty attempts, we are prone to think “I am due for a winner; the odds are now for me.”  Truth is, in the rolling of dice, the odds of throwing a seven are always 1 in 6; always, no matter what came before.   In relationships I suggest the odds of landing a ‘winner’ actually decrease, for a series of failed relationships probably tells us more about our choices than about the odds.

But what if Luck isn’t at work, but Fate?

What if our success in relating has already been pre-determined by some impersonal force in the cosmos?  Or what if our past actions have in some way determined our current circumstances?  Believing that our lives are planned out by an impersonal force can lead to other problems relationally.

Some readers may recall the song popularized by Doris Day that said:

When I was young I fell in love,
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead,
Will we have rainbows day after day?
This is what my sweetheart said:
“Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be,
the future’s not ours to see; que sera, sera.”

There’s wisdom in the song.  We don’t know the future.  We don’t know if it holds rainbows or thunderstorms or drought.

However, if we think everything is planned out, beyond our control, we may hedge on our role to make wise choices or to own the consequences of choices we make.  A fatalist, when encountering marriage problems, has an out and may think “I guess this was not meant to be. I can’t change; my partner can’t change.”  We resign ourselves to inaction because, well, it won’t make a difference anyway.  Que sera sera.

But what if neither Luck nor Fate guide our relational experiences.  What if it’s up to us and we’re responsible for the choices we make?  And what if God cares for how our relating turns out, and supports and guides us along the way?

I know that theologians have debated whether God predestines our entire life to the very last iota, or if He gives us real choice within the wider boundaries of his will.  I lean more to the second idea, especially in relating.  So to revise my opening idea, I will be bold enough to suggest that success of our marriage is not because we have “found the one” whom God planned for us, but because we have followed him in obedience to choose one person whom we love deeply and faithfully.

Why am I so sure?

The main reason is because we are made in God’s image, and God is a choice-maker.  He didn’t set things up and then walk away.  (That’s deism.)  Rather, God has made, and continues to make, choices in human history—choices that have played out in how we relate to him.  For example, he chose to create the first couple, chose to remove them from paradise when they disobeyed, chose Abraham to bless, chose David and other kings to rule, and chose Jesus to make right our estranged relationship with him.  I believe he chooses to engage his creation, including us, as we depend on him and his Spirit within.

So what does this mean for Shelaine and me?  It means that I not only chose her from among several potential mates, but that I continue to love her despite the presence of other women in my world.  This is called covenantal love.  I chose her, and continue to choose her, forsaking all others as the old vow goes.

It also means that our differences and arguments and misunderstanding are not a sign of us having married “the wrong one,” but an indicator that we have work to do, work such as active listening, honest validating of each other’s views, and clear communication as to our hopes and concerns.  It means we make personal choices, and couple choices, in order to build a better bond.  It means we make promises for the good of our relationship, and stick with those promises.  Even if you find a mate through a values-based matching service, you may marry someone who is compatible, but still fallible, and requiring patience and grace.  You still choose to love.

Finally, when we recognize that we choose one to love, one to whom we remain faithful, that we can’t hide behind flimsy and selfish reasons for abandoning ship when we hit rough waters.  It may mean we humble ourselves and get counseling.  It may mean we make hard choices about working less and relating more.  It may mean we have to forgive and reconcile rather than carry toxic resentment.

One day Jesus explained to his disciples this dynamic of choosing to love.  John records it this way in Chapter 15:

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. … My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  … You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.  This is my command: Love each other.

Let’s not look for “the one” to love.  Let’s choose to love, especially our “chosen one.”

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It got me thinking about my own marriage to Debbie.  One memory in particular stood out.  Debbie and I were still young, living in Manitoba.  One day, Debbie and I were out for a walk when we spotted a note pinned to the railing of the bridge ahead.  Curious, we read the note.  It was addressed to my wife!  Debbie would often come this way on her walks, and a stranger had been watching.  Following.  Admiring.  The note left a phone number and invited Debbie to give him a call.  I was enraged that someone was stalking my wife. We left the note where it was, and kept walking.  Only minutes later, we looked back and noticed a man stop and pick up the note.

Leaving Debbie behind, I ran back to my house in time to see the man pull away in his truck.  Within seconds, I was in my own vehicle, chasing him down the road.  I pulled ahead of him and then slammed on my brakes, forcing him to stop. I physically hauled him out of his car, slammed him down on the hood, and shook him.  “Are you stalking my wife?” I yelled.  He denied it, until I pointed the note in the back of his car. Still shouting I yelled  “You leave my wife alone and never go near her again because I will use every resource I have to stop you!”  I’m one hundred percent sure that if not for God, I would have hurt the guy badly.  I was that furious.  That was the end of him coming anywhere near our house or that bridge.

Maybe you’re appalled that I lost my temper.  To this day, I shake my head over how rashly I behaved.  But I’m not sorry that I acted so swiftly and decisively to protect Debbie and our marriage.  And that incident taught me more than few things about love and commitment.

So often, when people think about commitment they think about what they stand to lose.  If I give myself to this person, I’ll lose my freedom.  It will cost me so much – so much time, so much money, so much energy.  What if the sacrifice is too great?

Yes, commitment involves loss.  But it also involves enormous gain.  When you make those vows, you gain a lifelong ally, a refuge, a protector.  Someone who will fight with you and for you, for the things that matter most.  Those vows Debbie and I made were what compelled me to run after that man.  Because Debbie had pledged herself to me, I trusted her; I didn’t need to stop and wonder whether I had misread the situation.  Because I had pledged myself to Debbie, I leapt to her defense.  I risked my own safety to make sure she would be safe.  Commitment makes a new kind of love possible: deeper, more courageous, more adventurous.  True love is not possible apart from true and total commitment.

Think about this in the spiritual realm.  So often people worry that if they pledge to follow Jesus, God will ask them to give things up.  He might; it’s true.  But we’ve got it backwards if that’s what we focus on.  Because giving ourselves fully to God actually involves enormous gain.  Satan sets out to destroy us.  But picture this:  the Creator of the universe grabbing Satan and shaking him.  “You have no idea who you’re dealing with!  Stay away from my child!”  That’s the kind of power and love we have on our side when we’ve given ourselves completely to Jesus.  (If you doubt me, try reading Romans 8:28-39 every day for a week.)  And when you’re sure of that love and power, you’ll find yourself loving God and loving others more courageously and more freely than you ever imagined.

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While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Matthew 9:10-13)

When I first became a Christian at age 22, I thought church was only for perfect people. Or at least people who could act perfectly on Sunday mornings. I didn’t understand that the purpose of the church is to give a hand to the sick, not pat the healthy on the back.

Jesus often ate at the same table with “sinners”, and when he did, the Pharisees questioned why He did so. Jesus responded by saying “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.” (Matthew 9:12) Author Brennan Manning puts it this way: “The church is not a museum for saints but a hospital for sinners”. That’s encouraging, because I often don’t feel much like a saint. Do saints lose patience with their brothers and sisters in Christ? Lose their temper? Sometimes even lose that passionate fire for the gospel?

The apostle Paul recognized his own moral failures when he says: “Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners – of whom I am the worst.” But Paul continued by noting “for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.” (1 Timothy 1:15-16)

So at the same time as we acknowledge our sin, by trusting in Jesus’ righteous sacrifice on the cross for our sins, we can gather together to strengthen and encourage each other in our faith, so that we can continually strive towards becoming “perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:48)

Lesson: Never feel unworthy of worshiping God in repentance and faith with your fellow believers, because Jesus welcomes you to His table!

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“I will put a new way of thinking inside you. I will take out the stubborn hearts of stone from your bodies, and I will give you obedient hearts of flesh. I will put my Spirit inside you and help you live by my rules and carefully obey my laws” (Ezekial 36:26–27, NCV).

My dog Molly and I aren’t getting along. The problem is not her personality. A sweeter mutt you will not find. She sees every person as a friend and every day as a holiday. I have no problem with Molly’s attitude. I have a problem with her habits.

Eating scraps out of the trash. Licking dirty plates in the dishwasher. Dropping dead birds on our sidewalk and stealing bones from the neighbor’s dog. Shameful! Molly rolls in the grass, chews on her paw, does her business in the wrong places, and, I’m embarrassed to admit, quenches her thirst in the toilet.

Now what kind of behavior is that?

Dog behavior, you reply.

You are right. So right. Molly’s problem is not a Molly problem. Molly has a dog problem. It is a dog’s nature to do such things. And it is her nature that I wish to change. Not just her behavior, mind you. A canine obedience school can change what she does; I want to go deeper. I want to change who she is.

Here is my idea: a me-to-her transfusion. The deposit of a Max seed in Molly. I want to give her a kernel of human character. As it grew, would she not change? Her human nature would develop, and her dog nature would diminish. We would witness, not just a change of habits, but a change of essence. In time Molly would be less like Molly and more like me, sharing my disgust for trash snacking, potty slurping, and dish licking. She would have a new nature. Why, Denalyn might even let her eat at the table.

You think the plan is crazy? Then take it up with God. The idea is his.

What I would like to do with Molly, God does with us. He changes our nature from the inside out! (see Ezek. 36:26–27, NCV).

God doesn’t send us to obedience school to learn new habits; he sends us to the hospital to be given a new heart. Forget training; he gives transplants.

Do you understand what God has done? He has deposited a Christ seed in you. As it grows, you will change. It’s not that sin has no more presence in your life, but rather that sin has no more power over your life. Temptation will pester you, but temptation will not master you. What hope this brings!

It’s not up to you! Within you abides a budding power. Trust him!

“He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). God will do with you what I only dream of doing with Molly. Change you from the inside out. When he is finished, he’ll even let you sit at his table.

From Next Door Savior
Copyright (Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2006) Max Lucado
Used by permission

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She was  the icon of modern pop music, with more than 170 million albums, singles and  videos worldwide sold worldwide. She was an American recording artist,  actress, producer, and model. The Guinness World Records cited her as the most-awarded female act of all time. When she tragically died recently, she was only 48.

The night before  she suddenly died, she sang the words to an old hymn titled “Yes, Jesus  Loves Me” at a pre-Grammy party. As far as we know, “Yes, Jesus Loves Me”  was the last song that the queen of pop, Whitney Houston, who many call “the  Voice,” sung.

We all want to  experience love in our lives. We want to know that someone loves us just for  who we are. Well, God is really the only somebody who loves us just for who  we are, unconditionally and fully, without fail. He offers the kind of love  that makes life worth living. Yes, indeed, Jesus does love you and yes,  indeed, Jesus does love me. His love is a love that you don’t have to earn.  It is an unconditional love that is stronger than any human  love.

God’s  love is free and applies to every person he ever created, but our love for  Him through His Son Jesus Christ is a matter of our own choice. We can  accept Him or reject Him.

Do you  really love Jesus? Or do you just say that you love Jesus? You can lie to  your friends. You can lie to your family. You can lie to your spouse. You  can even lie to yourself. But, you cannot lie to Jesus. He is not persuaded  by your words. He can see directly into your heart.

Jesus did not ask  Peter this question three times because he was hard of hearing or slow to  comprehend Peter’s answers! The fact that Jesus asks Peter this question –  “do you love me?” – three times is very significant.

Peter  is hurt when Jesus asks him a third time, most likely because it made him  recall his own three-fold denial of Jesus. This story emphasizes the  prominence of Peter among the Apostles and demonstrates how, despite his  denial, Peter is restored – reconciled with Jesus – through Jesus’  forgiveness of sins.

We too, like Peter, can be restored, reconciled  and forgiven when we truly turn to love Him. The question is not if Jesus  loves us. That is a given.

The question is do we truly love him?  

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