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This is supposed to be a season of joy and happiness, but many people don’t feel it. Many people suffer from bouts of depression or the blues at different times during the year. During the holiday season people encounter memories of loved ones they have lost through death or divorce or friends who have moved away. People experience stress and difficult family reunions over the holidays. Depression is a growing problem. In fact, psychologists have said that we live in an “age of depression”.

There are many causes for this mood disorder. Reasons for depression range from grief, divorce, major changes, lack of sunlight or physical exercise, a general disappointment with life or friends, low self-worth, relationship, spiritual or anger problems, false beliefs about life and God, trauma from the past, deficiency of neurological chemicals and more.

What are some of the symptoms of depression? Check to see if you have been experiencing any of these symptoms:

1. Loss of appetite. Weight gain or loss.
2. Depressed affect. Children & Adolescents: cranky, irritable, angry/explosive outbursts.
3. Diminished interest in or enjoyment of activities.
4. Psychomotor agitation or retardation.
5. Sleeplessness or hypersomnia.
6. Lack of energy.
7. Poor concentration and indecisiveness.
8. Social withdrawal.
9. Suicidal thoughts and/or gestures.
10. Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, excessive or inappropriate guilt.
11. Low self-esteem.
12. Unresolved grief issues.
13. Hallucinations or delusions.

If you have 3 or more of the above symptoms which have lasted for over 2 weeks, you should seek medical help or professional counseling. You can find a counselor or go to the nearest mental health center.If you are suicidal please contact 911 (in the USA or Canada) or go to a hospital emergency room.

How do you move beyond depression?

Usually people who are feeling depressed are not doing what would help them feel better.

• Talking about your feelings with someone is very beneficial. Exploring with someone, especially a counselor, what is underlying your feelings can help you begin to problem-solve.
• Seeing your doctor for a physical exam and telling him/her about your depression can lead to further treatment for physiological causes. You may need to consider taking an anti-depressant.
• Regular exercise and proper diet, spending time with family and friends and reaching out to others is very helpful. Seeking a relationship with God and praying to Him brings hope and encouragement when you are feeling down-hearted.

If you or someone you know are trying these activities and still stuck in depression, it is wise to seek out professional Christian counseling.

Is there a spiritual dimension to depression?

Is there a spiritual dimension to depression that gets overlooked when we rush into taking medication? In other words, in our effort to “hurry up and feel good” do we possibly miss out on important lessons that God might be wanting to teach us? There most certainly is always a spiritual dimension to depression. In the book of Psalms in the Bible, David, one of the Kings of Israel wrote:

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Most people who walk in my office feeling depressed are spiritually hungry. Many have a general sense of distance from or disappointment with God. They struggle with periods of doubt about God’s love for them and begin to question whether He will help them through their problems. Some people express anger towards God wondering, “how a good God can allow suffering?”. Or they question whether God exists. This spiritual vacuum can actually be the basis for some of the hopelessness and despair they feel.

Depression is a complex disorder.

Since human beings are very complex it is necessary to address all the underlying causes of depression such as: low self-esteem, losses, physical pain, relationship or financial issues, guilt, shame, trauma, dysfunctional family issues, along with the spiritual and physiological reasons.

Medication can give people more motivation and energy to get through a depressive period in their life but it will not be a cure-all for depression. One must take steps to fight depression on all fronts: spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally and relationally.

The great news for this holiday season and throughout the year is that God does exist and whether you realize it right now or not, he loves you very much.  You are not in this alone. If you are looking for someone you can place your trust in, a foundation to build upon, you can find that safe place whether you’re in a relationship right now or not.  Place your trust in God and his promises.  Anchor your life to the hope that he brings.

He is the well deep enough to draw from when you need peace, hope and wisdom, insight and love, endurance and faith. He gave His Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for all our sins.  Everyone feels unworthy sometimes, but God thinks you’re worth it—even worth the death of His Son.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desires of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus will come into your life, and forgive you of your sins forever, just as he promised.

I encourage women to take better care of themselves in every aspect of life: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.   In perimenopause the body goes through substantial changes and requires additional resources to complete the process.  Taking extra good care of yourself during this time pays dividends.

Physical Wellness: Because hormone levels are decreasing, there will be fluctuations in the symptoms women experience.  Vaginal bleeding and hot flashes come and go. There is no set time when these symptoms will stop. Some women experience these symptoms for over a decade of their lives.

Hormone or Estrogen replacement therapy taken orally or applied topically may be prescribed by a doctor in order to help alleviate symptoms of hot flashes and vaginal dryness. Whether you choose hormone replacement therapy or not it is important to manage your own treatment and research the best kinds of medical or natural interventions for your situation.  Recent research discouraged the use of the combined hormone replacement therapy (estrogen and progesterone).  This is something you should discuss with your doctor. Vaginal dryness can be alleviated by using estrogen cream or K-Y jelly prior to sexual intercourse.

Lifestyle changes should include quitting cigarette smoking, curtailing alcohol intake, exercising regularly, and consuming a balanced diet with adequate calcium and vitamin D. Such changes are beneficial for increasing physical wellness and preventing complications such as osteoporosis and heart disease.

Emotional and Mental Wellness: When you are experiencing the symptoms of hormone loss, from time to time you will feel blue. Hormonal changes can increase emotional fragility and lower your confidence. Combined with a  lack of sleep menopause can cause irritability, confusion, sadness, angry outbursts, tears and disrupt relationships.

While estrogen therapy may be recommended to help elevate mood, women should also incorporate natural methods of elevating mood such as: lowering stress and increasing recreational and exercise programs. I encourage women to consider a new venture, pursuing education or career goals.  Try learning a useful pursuit such as photography, writing or computer technology.  Start participating in meaningful recreational and social activities. Begin hiking, biking, bird-watching, join  a book club, start a new hobby.   Add some more fun to your schedule.

Spiritual Wellness will bring the greatest stability when women enter this new stage of life.  Take time to read scripture, the Psalms and pray. Focusing on the spiritual aspect of your life will bring the hope and faith which can alleviate depression and anxiety caused by menopause. Memorizing scripture can change your attitude about life.

Self-Care Tips To reduce the discomfort of hot flashes, try these tactics:

• Wear lightweight clothes made of natural fibers.
• Limit or avoid beverages that contain caffeine or alcohol.
• Avoid rich and spicy foods and heavy meals.
• Have cool drinks, especially water, when you feel a hot flash coming on and before and after exercising. Avoid hot drinks.
• Keep cool. Open a window. Lower the thermostat when the heat is on. Use air conditioning and/or fans. Carry a small fan with you (hand or battery operated).
• Try to relax when you get a hot flash. Getting stressed out over one only makes it worse.
• Use relaxation techniques such as meditating on scriptures, prayer.
• Take 400 international units of vitamin E daily, but consult your doctor first.

If you suffer from night sweats, (hot flashes that occur as you sleep):

• Wear loose fitting cotton nightwear. Have changes of nightwear ready.
• Sleep with only a top sheet, not blankets and keep the room cool.

To deal with vaginal dryness and painful intercourse:

• Don’t use deodorant soaps or scented products in the vaginal area.
• Use a water soluble lubricant such as K-Y Jelly, Replens, etc. to facilitate penetration during intercourse. Avoid oils or petroleum-based products. They encourage infection.
• Ask your doctor about intravaginal estrogen cream.
• Remain sexually active with your spouse. Having sex often may lessen the chance of having the vagina constrict, help keep natural lubrication and maintain pelvic muscle tone.
• Avoid using antihistamines unless truly necessary. They dry mucus membranes in the body.

To deal with emotional symptoms:

• Exercise regularly. This will help maintain your body’s hormonal balance and preserve bone strength.
• Talk to other women who have gone through or are going through menopause. You can help each other cope with emotional symptoms.
• Avoid stressful situations as much as possible.
• Use relaxation techniques such as meditating on scripture and prayer and listening to soft music.
• Eat a healthy diet. Check with your doctor about taking vitamin/mineral supplements.

“I feel on edge. I can’t sleep or think clearly.  My husband is tired of my forgetfulness. Sometimes I just fly off the handle for no reason. I am having trouble with sex. I don’t know what is happening to me? Could this be menopause?”

Nancy, age 52,  sat in my office looking frustrated, worn-out and depressed.  I have counseled many women with complaints like hers.  Women come in with overwhelming symptoms of perimenopause and menopause which impair their emotional, physical, mental and spiritual health.

Surprisingly, a recent BBC news article quoted a  Jubilee Report that stated that 76% of post-menopausal women said their health was better, 75% said they had more fun, and 93% said they had more independence and more choice in everything from work to leisure pursuits.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, but if you are currently in perimenopause, odds are you are feeling more like Nancy and are looking for answers to help you cope with this uncertain territory. Informing yourself about what to expect when you begin experiencing menopausal symptoms and how you can more effectively handle this new stage of life is the first step towards feeling better.

Perimenopause facts:

Perimenopause, the time our mothers referred to as “the change,” can start as early as 40. The closer a woman gets to 50, the more symptoms she will have. Common symptoms include hot flashes, erratic and often painful periods that may be extremely heavy or too light or skipped altogether, forgetfulness, insomnia, night sweats, headaches, and, given the other symptoms, a hardly surprising tendency to mood changes and depression. This transition period  is a unique experience for each woman. Late symptoms consist of vaginal dryness, urinary problems, muscle and joint aches.

“The most notable thing about these symptoms is that they can be very erratic. After months of problems a woman can become symptom-free for six months or more,” said Dr. Paul Lucca, an obstetrician/gynecologist with Advanced Healthcare.

The biological origin
The cause of all these diverse symptoms is the slowing down of the function of the ovaries. “Ninety-eight percent of the time a woman is fine physically but the ovaries are starting to falter in their production of good eggs..” Dr. Lucca said.

As a result, women will begin to have anovulatory cycles in which eggs are not released. This may result in a lighter period, similar to those a woman may have had while taking the birth control pill, or one that is skipped altogether. However, the ovaries are still producing estrogen which causes the lining of the uterus to thicken. Progesterone, released by the egg, causes the uterus to slough off that lining, resulting in a menstrual period. When no egg is released the lining continues to thicken until the next “normal” cycle when a woman’s bleeding can become very heavy. It is advisable to consult your doctor whenever symptoms cause concern such as heavy bleeding.

What women can do for themselves
“Some of the general things women can do during perimenopause include watching what they eat and exercise. These are clichés but clichés become clichés for a reason. Women’s metabolism is slowing down and they start putting on weight. They may have the same diet and exercise program as earlier in life but they begin to gain weight. Watching the diet and doing more exercise not only keeps off weight but it’s also good for the heart and bones,” said Dr. Lucca.

Some doctors recommend hormone replacement therapy (HRT). You should manage your medical care and determine what is best for you. There are some risks with HRT and there are risks associated with use of uncontrolled over-the-counter or ‘natural’ treatments. Inform yourself of the benefits and risks of any treatment you are considering.

Application:

1. What physical changes have you noticed and dealt with?
2. How have you coped? What has worked and what has not worked for you?

What is Menopause?

Menopause begins a new phase in a woman’s life when she stops having periods, often some time in her 50s. Menopause is a natural biological event in which the menses stop when the function of the ovaries begins to cease. Menopause does not occur overnight, it is a gradual process. A woman is in menopause when she has had no menstrual periods (menses) for 12 months and has no other medical reason for her menses to stop.

What makes menopause so difficult?  The decrease in estrogen also affects serotonin- a brain (neurochemical) chemical – which causes women to feel good, energetic and to focus more clearly. This is called the “serotonin-estrogen” dance. Less estrogen=less serotonin. When serotonin decreases women begin to feel “blue” or experience depressive-like symptoms.

The following are physical signs and symptoms associated with menopause. Let me assure that these symptoms are not experienced by all women going through menopause and are not experienced to the same degree.

• Hot flashes – sudden waves of heat that can start in the waist or chest and work their way to the neck and face and sometimes the rest of the body. They are more common in the evening and during hot weather. They can hit as often as every 90 minutes. Each one can last from 15 seconds to 30 minutes – five minutes is average. Seventy-five to eighty percent of women going through menopause experience hot flashes, some more bothered by them than others. Sometimes heart palpitations accompany hot flashes.
• Irregular periods – this varies and can include:
  • Periods that get shorter and lighter for two or more years.
  • Periods that stop for a few months and then start up again and are more widely spaced.
  • Periods that bring heavy bleeding and/or the passage of many or large blood clots. This can lead to anemia.
• Vaginal dryness – this results from hormone changes. The vaginal wall also becomes thinner. These problems can make sexual intercourse painful or uncomfortable and can lead to irritation and increased risk for infection.
• Loss of bladder tone which can result in stress incontinence (leaking urine when you cough, sneeze, laugh or exercise).
• Headaches, dizziness.
• Skin and hair changes. Skin is more likely to wrinkle. Growth of facial hair, but thinning of hair in the temple region.
• Muscles lose some strength and tone.
• Bones become more brittle, increasing the risk for osteoporosis.
• Risk for a heart attack increases when estrogen levels drop.

Emotional changes associated with menopause:

• Irritability.
• Mood changes.
• Lack of concentration, difficulty with memory.
• Tension, anxiety, depression.
• Insomnia which may result from hot flashes that interrupt sleep.

These symptoms can seem unbearable. Women are fortunate to live today in a world which provides much guidance and many resources for understanding and managing menopause.

Take the next study in the series: Coping With Perimenopause and Menopause

You don’t have to do this alone. We’re here for you. Talk to a mentor today.

Divorce is a great loss and a crisis which has a huge impact the lives of everyone involved. If you have experienced, or are experiencing divorce, my heart goes out to you. I know about divorce. My parents were divorced when I was 12 years old. It was painful. It was destabilizing for my whole family.

In my years of counseling I have heard many divorcees voice the same concerns. Many express their feelings of loss, betrayal and confusion.  This isn’t the way the story is supposed to end. For many divorcees the question becomes, “now what?”  Divorce is not the end of the road.  It isn’t easy, and it often is not what we would have chosen, but there are still choices you can make as you deal with this new situation.

“I am so tired of feeling the way I do”

Divorce is painful.  There is nothing that will quickly take the pain away, it is something that has to be worked through. If you are experiencing divorce, you are dealing with grief, with rejection, with having your heart broken. Taking away the pain would make you miss out on the growing process which is so necessary to bring about real healing. And you might risk getting into a rebound relationship.

This is the time to work on yourself and personal growth and stabilizing your life. The grief you feel is real – is normal and is a process that will eventually help – yes, help – your heart to heal. It’s ok to give yourself time to work through this. You don’t have to crumble underneath the weight of this transition. You can learn to grieve and grow.

“I still loved him and prayed his heart would change.”

Post-Divorce Depression
Has love betrayed you? Grief. Rejection. Betrayal. These are all natural to feel. Watch the video then let us know what you think or if you want to talk.

It is normal to feel that you still love your spouse because you gave your heart away and committed yourself to your husband. You took vows to love him or her until death do you part. Unfortunately, he didn’t keep up his end of the contract. He broke it. You can’t make him change his mind and you wouldn’t want to force him to change his mind.

When you really think about it – you want someone to “freely choose to love you for yourself.” Because “love freely given” is real love. Real love has to come from the person’s heart and volition. Rejection and betrayal are painful. But, would you want him back because he felt pressured to come back to you? No. In fact, what you rejoiced in when you were first married is that this special person “freely chose you and loved you”. As much as you might want to, you can’t make him love you.

“I feel betrayed and rejected.”

The first issue is feeling rejected. Your ex-spouse’s rejection does not change who you are and how valuable you are as a person. The rejection is a choice he made – that choice does not determine your worth. You are still a person uniquely made – someone with purpose, talents, opinions and who can be used to make a difference in the world.

The rejection you feel will cause you to feel angry. You will need to work through the anger and the resentment. Anger will help motivate you to work on improving your life – but, it can cause you to fall into the trap of bitterness.

“Nothing I do seems right anymore…my life feels like a mess.”

80% of your energy is used processing your emotions. That is why you feel confused and why you feel troubled and question yourself. Your self-esteem has been affected greatly. To top everything off – you feel cut off from people because friendships change when a marriage breaks up. You lose some of your “couple” friends. You feel left out and isolated. You feel depressed because of the divorce and the depression makes you want to isolate yourself. There can be employment and financial difficulties.

I encourage you to fight the depression which is at the core and causes you to tell yourself –‘I am not worth anything, my life is meaningless, nobody cares about me – I may as well give up.’

Start making choices which will keep you going and growing in the right direction. You need to make choices which will keep you working through the grief to get on with life after divorce.

What are the choices you can start making?

1. Get counseling and support. Find a counselor in the AACC directory. Find a Divorce Care support group.
2. Begin to journal your grief and feelings.
3. Start a job search if employment or finances are an issue. Get some help with your resume from someone you know who has some expertise in this area. Get some career guidance from www.crown.org
4. Begin to make one goal a week which will help your life improve. Exercise regularly. Eat nutritiously.
5. Accept that life will be a challenge. But, look at the challenges as opportunities to grow in faith and in character and in new skills.
6. Accept the reality that you are divorced. Read how to make the best of your life after divorce with books like Growing Through Divorce by Jim Smoke.

You are dealing with various issues here: The reality of the death of your marriage, the loss of your spouse, the rejection and betrayal, a broken life and dreams.  This is huge! This is hard! But, let me stop to say – that this crisis is one you can get through to the other side. This loss is one in which God can bring hope and in which you can become strong in the brokenness.

There is no way that I know to work through the pain of divorce quickly. You would miss the process of character development, the ways God will answer your prayers each day, the way hope and strength will grow slowly back into your life. This will build a stronger foundation in your life and in your spirit.  You can discover new blessings, new treasures, and even a new you – if you determine to make an effort each day. God bless you!

©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

If you are going through a divorce or if you would like to talk to someone about your relationship, we’d love to hear from you. You can fill out the form below to start a conversation with a mentor or make a comment on the article below.

© copyright 2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Introduction: Entering the stage of menopause brings on all kinds of changes and emotions. You may feel a sense of loss since the reproductive years are ending. There will no longer be opportunity to give birth to children. There may be a loss of identity and feeling of usefulness to your family or society. It is normal to grieve. It is normal to feel this way.  It’s important to realize that as a child of God you do not lose your meaning and worth. It’s also vital to recognize that menopause is a stage of life to pass through not a disability.

This study will look at what happens during perimenopause and menopause; how to cope with this stage of life and God’s purpose for your life.

As you begin this study I want to challenge you to begin thinking about God’s perspective on your life. No matter what phase of life you are in – God has a purpose for you, the power to help you through it and to give you joy in the midst of it.

Ask yourself these questions:

…How would God want me to view this stage of life and the changes I may experience?

…What plan does God have for me in the midst of menopause?

…What is God teaching me as I take this new journey?

Let’s begin now to consider some of the facts of the menopause transition.

1. Part One: What happens as women enter the stage of menopause?
2. Part Two: Coping with perimenopause and menopause
3. Part Three: Committing to God’s Purpose for Your Life
4. Part Four: Self-worth Issues
5. Dealing with low self-esteem

Today the kids were eating a hamburger in the car, and they were looking for a drink. My husband says to the kids, “Grab your bottle of water” (they keep a bottle in the car at all times). Well, I remembered I had a can of soda in my purse, so I gave it to them, and he says I undermined his authority! I didnt think it was a big deal, but he did.

Our lines of communication keep getting crossed and its a problem and is causing major conflict. How do you communicate with your spouse? Plus this submission thing. Can you explain just briefly (yeah, right) a little on these matters? I need help!

Advice: It sounds like you and your husband need to go back to the basics of improving your communication and coming to terms with how you discipline and work together as a team with the children.
The passages on submission and headship in the Bible (Ephesians 5 and Colossians 3) emphasize the importance of love, consideration and respect between spouses. In this context, it is always important to note that power and control should not characterize the marriage relationship. Colossians 3:18-19 reads, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” Ephesians 5:22-29 (excerpts) says, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church…(25), Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her… husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies…” (I encourage you to read the whole passage).

Pastor Ray Pritchard’s sermon, “Men and Women in Biblical Perspective” deals with this issue quite well. This sermon would be good for both of you to read, think about and discuss.

Pastor Ray writes: “Headship” means that God has called the man to lead his home—and will therefore hold him personally responsible for what goes on in his home. The emphasis is on responsibility and accountability, not on authority and power.”

There are times when a wife cannot submit when it means relinquishing God’s standards or means giving up her safety in the case of domestic violence. Sarah told Abraham to get rid of Hagar (his other wife/concubine) and God backed her up saying to Abraham “do what she told you.” Yes, there are instances where wives stood up for what is right and did not submit. Yet, in 1 Peter 3 it says that Sarah obeyed Abraham in everything.

In your situation, you and your husband need to come to mutually agreeable terms about how to raise and discipline your children together.

Submission is a word which can be described/defined as “willing conciliation.” That means that the wife should be “willing,” not coerced. Wives are to respect their husbands. Husbands are to be considerate of their wives. Both partners should be willing to “put the other’s interests above his/her own” as Philippians 2 describes. The woman should be willing to submit to her husband not be unwilling or forced. The man should be a loving, servant leader – accountable and responsible to God and his family. A loving leader leads –doesn’t manipulate or pressure. A submitter doesn’t “take over.”

Aquila and Priscilla are wonderful role-model of how a couple can work together harmoniously as a team. In Acts they taught Apollos and led him to Christ – offering hospitality to believers and were co-workers with Paul.

Marriage should be mutual servanthood and treated as a ministry. Larry Crabb talks about this principle in his book on marriage.

I encourage you to ask your husband to go to counseling with you or to talk with your Pastor. It sounds like there are power and control issues between you. These issues are very destructive.

Read a good marriage book together or attend a marriage conference such as: Christian Prep or a Family Life seminar/conference.

These books will help you understand each other and learn some better communication skills:

• A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage, by Scott Stanley, Howard Markman, Susan Blumberg, Dean Edell.
• The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, by Gary Chapman
• His Needs, Her Needs, by Willard F. Harley.

I hope you find this helpful. It’s important that your husband and you work together about parenting issues. Talk over some of these issues and come to a mutually agreeable decision. If your husband is always making the decisions without your input and considering your opinion –then, you are headed for trouble. In Colossians 3 Paul tells the husband to be considerate of and respect his wife.

May you work this out in a loving way. God bless you!

If you are that person who has lost hope for your life, please read on. Let me talk to you personally. I realize that you may have already planned to end your life or even tried to. All you can think about is how hopeless your life is, how you can’t go on living like this. The pain is too great. No one understands the burdens you carry or the emotional turmoil you are experiencing.

But, you are here now and because you are, let me share with you some hope, about how your life can be different, about why you should give life another try.

Options: I want to ask you to consider doing something other than trying to end your life. You may have tried counseling or talking to someone to no avail. I’m asking you to try taking some steps again, steps which will help you move in another direction, away from the self-destructive thoughts which have plagued you.

First of all, you need to understand why you are depressed.

You may say, “I do know why. I am a failure. I’m in debt. My wife/husband left me. Someone died. I’m unemployed. I’m lonely. I’m______ (you fill in the blank).” I want to tell you that though you have many problems and struggles, most likely, you are also struggling with a physical deficiency of chemicals in your nervous system. This may be a major reason for the depression you feel.

Many people who are depressed don’t know that depression is also caused by a deficiency of neurochemicals. A recent article from the world renowned Mayo Clinic stated that “experts believe a genetic vulnerability combined with environmental factors, such as stress or physical illness, may trigger an imbalance in brain chemicals called neurotransmitters, resulting in depression. Imbalances in three neurotransmitters – serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine – seem to be linked to depression.”

These chemicals help people concentrate, improve mood and increase energy. Medication can help increase these neurochemicals along with natural methods such as exercise and taking time to grow spiritually. You still need to work through other issues such as the loss of a loved one through death or divorce, low self-esteem, guilt, resentment, anger, or past sexual abuse. Those crises and losses need to be dealt with, processed and grieved.

Have you been going to counseling and been treated for depression? If not, go immediately to your family doctor or a psychiatrist or to the nearest emergency room for help. You can find a counselor or go to the nearest mental health center. If you are suicidal please contact 911 (in the USA & Canada). Please do this immediately!

If you are presently in counseling, you need to contact your therapist and/or psychiatrist to tell them you need help for these suicidal thoughts and self-destructive plans. Ask a family member or friend to go with you.

Understanding depression and challenging your emotions

Your feelings and your depression cannot be trusted. Feelings are not objective truth. Feelings are indicators of subjective thinking and you need to explore the thoughts you have been dwelling on that have led you to contemplate suicide. Thinking about killing yourself is believing lies about life and about the future. Many people in the past have struggled with depression but, they didn’t cave into or trust the feelings. They had the courage to go on, the courage to believe that their future and that their life could be different.

Martin Luther graphically described one of his frequent rock-bottom moods: “for more than a week I was close to the gates of death and hell. I trembled in all my members. Christ was wholly lost. I was shaken by desperation and blasphemy of God.” (Here I Stand, Abingdon Press).

Don Baker, pastor and author wrote of his experience with depression: “I seemed to be out of touch with relatity. Life was a blur, often out of focus. My life seemed to be nothing but pretense and fantasy. No really cared, I felt-not even God. The only solution-at times-seemed to be suicide….”

These men did not follow their feelings. They rejected the despairing thoughts and moved forward. They were able to overcome hurdles and their emotions of defeat. You don’t need to be led astray by your negative feelings and thoughts either.

It’s time to challenge that thinking. Time to see your life from a healthy perspective. You are a person of value. You are important and you can change your thinking and behavior and improve your life! I implore you to also give God a chance to give you hope as well. Turn to God and seek His help and guidance. Why not find out what He can do?! I have witnessed how He has changed lives, lifted the downcast and brought hope to those who feel lost.

Ask yourself:

1. What feelings are underneath my depression?
2. Do I suffer from low self-esteem?
3. Am I having guilt problems?
4. Am I struggling with relationship problems?
5. Am I fearful about something?
6. Am I struggling with some loss?
7. What types of thoughts rule my mind?
8. How can I take a step towards seeking God?

Ask God to reveal these things to you. Then, pray and ask Him for help and to change your life from the inside out. Don’t give up! Don’t be a quitter! Contract with someone close to you right now NOT to take your life.

Moving beyond hopelessness

Usually people who are feeling depressed are not doing what would help them feel better. You need to fight the depression and move forward. Talk with someone about your feelings, about your life. Expressing your feelings to someone is very beneficial. Exploring with someone, especially a counselor, what underlies your feelings can help you begin to problem-solve.

Seeing your doctor for a physical exam and telling him or her about your depression can lead to further treatment for the physiological causes. You most likely need to take an anti-depressant. Regular exercise and proper diet is very helpful and can also increase the neurochemicals your body is missing.

Spending quality time with caring people, friends, God, members of your family and church will give you a sense of connection and help you regain meaning in your life.

Where to start: You have read this article. Will you now consider taking a step towards life? A step towards rebuilding your life? A step to reach out for help? Refuse to believe the lies you have been telling yourself. Lies that life is hopeless, you are worthless and you have no future.

I’m here to tell you that your life has a future and a hope. I have seen so many people get help and go on to enjoy a better life!

Call for professional counseling. You can find a counselor. Write out a list of what will help you start over.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Professional counseling:
   USA:
   American Association of Christian Counselors directory
   SuicideHotlines.com

   Canada:
   Centre for Suicide Prevention

2. A physical exam and medication.
3. Prayer
4. Support from family and friends
5. Exercise
6. Guidance for finances. Contact Crown Financial Ministries for free financial counseling.
7. Working through grief or loss.
8. Reading a book such as The Freedom from Depression Workbook by Les Carter, Frank Minirth or The Search for Significance by Robert McGee or Learning to Tell Myself the Truth by William Backus or Keep Believing: God in the Midst of Our Deepest Struggles by Ray Pritchard.
9. Other: _________________(fill in the blank)

I hope that I have been able to talk you out of harming yourself. Please contact someone for help, like an online mentor. Call your pastor, counselor, a friend, your doctor. Take a step towards life and hope now.

©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, Visit CounselCare Connection

If you’re a living, breathing human-being, you will have conflict.

What if a co-worker doesn’t make the deadline with his or her part of a combined project? How do you handle it when your boss asks you to do something unethical? What is your reaction to a co-worker who falsely accuses you for losing a big contract? Do you tend to hold your tongue? Do you wait to see what will happen? Or do you confront, defend and blowup?

Facing conflict in relationships is difficult. We all want peace, co-operation, harmony and resolution. Conflict can result in either problem-solving and resolution or an all-out war! Conflictual scenarios can prevent collaboration and cause relationship breakdown unless you have the skills to manage it. How you approach conflict greatly impacts the outcome.

Practical strategies for managing conflict

1. When you clash or disagree with someone one way to prevent escalation is to take a time-out to consider the issues and your response. Don’t feel pressured to resolve the situation immediately.
2. SUM-UP what the other person says by paraphrasing their demands, viewpoints and comments. This will clarify the issue and provide you the opportunity to reply. Most people don’t listen well and tend to react defensively when engaged in conflict. Summarizing what someone says demonstrates that you are listening, you care and are trying to understand. Replaying what you hear doesn’t equate to agreement with their opinion or request. Here are some ways to help you sum up what the speaker is saying:
   
   • “In other words, you were not able to make the project deadline and hope I can finish the work.”
   • “What I hear you saying is that you want me to charge this customer 25 % more than the normal cost.”
3. Communicate your need and viewpoint graciously but, firmly.
   • “I was able to complete my part of the project but, I do not have time to take on your portion as well.”
   • “I find over-charging customers places me in an ethical dilemma. I prefer not to carry out this task.”

Application: Write out a scenario when you experienced conflict at work. Envision how you could respond by using the time-out, Sum-Up skills and communicating your viewpoint.

Why not discover how you can better manage conflict and prevent relationship breakdown? Using conflict resolution skills will give you greater opportunity for success in the workplace.

©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Isaiah 9:6 NIV

For thousands of years the Israelites expected their Messiah to come in kingly fashion. But, instead of being born in a castle this king chose just a manger… the humblest dwelling. The king the Jews expected would be heralded on front page news, require trumpets, a large audience, a banquet, fireworks and honor guard. Surely, no Jew, no reporter would discover a king in the shape of a tiny new-born in a stall surrounded by animals and straw. And no one could imagine how this one life could change the world.

Not what they were expecting

Instead of announcing this birth of the King to the prominent citizens and politicians of the land angels proclaimed it to a few lowly shepherds. Can you imagine being one of those shepherds? One night, you and your friends are watching over your sheep, it’s dark and cold. Suddenly, you are engulfed by a bright light and see what could be a spirit or an angel (you’ve never seen one so, you can’t be sure). Fear overwhelms you as you hear the angel proclaim:

“Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Then, another company of heavenly host appear with the angel, They are praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.” Luke 2:8-15

Rushing off to Bethlehem to see this thing that has happened you and the others find Mary and Joseph and the baby, just like the angel said, lying in a manger. Why would angels come to shepherds? Shepherds were not important or powerful people, they didn’t make much money, they weren’t fancy dressers. And yet these were the people that were the first to hear that Jesus had been born. Titles, degrees, status, finances — none of these impress God.

How did the world respond to the king who started out in a manger?

He came into the world that He created but, the world did not recognize Him. Though Jesus performed miracles, fulfilled predictions made of the Messiah, healed the sick, raised the dead, claimed to be God and took authority that only God could take, many chose to reject Him. Even some of His followers left Him. But, when He asked Peter, “will you also leave me? Peter said, “Lord, to whom will we go? You have the words of life.”

Jesus still touches lives today.

“Throughout the Christmas season, we recall that God’s love is found in humble places, and God’s peace is offered to all of us. It is the story of a quiet birth in a little town, on the margins of an indifferent empire. Christmas has carried the message that God is with us–and, because He’s with us, we can always live in hope.” George W. Bush

One woman wrote to me about her experience in finding Jesus: “Well, I had to check out everything before accepting Jesus into my heart. With intensity, I sought God everywhere — the Baha’i faith, Quaker meetings, Catholicism and more. And, I turned to the Bible, because I love to read.

About this time, someone said to me, “If Jesus came here for our sins and was crucified and rose again — for us — why can’t that be enough for you? Why isn’t Jesus enough for you?” This question really shook me up. I had to ask myself why isn’t Jesus enough for me? Why isn’t what he did enough?

Is Jesus enough?

Maybe that question “Is Jesus enough for you?” challenges you as well. Can you really trust Him with your life? Is the forgiveness He offers enough for you? Is His offer of eternal life something you can count on? Is this Jesus powerful enough to change your life today and give you courage to face tomorrow? Hear what Jesus says in the New Testament:

“I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father but, by me.”
“I am the resurrection and the life……he who believes in me will live.”

Jesus came to save the world from their sins. His death paid the penalty for the sins of the world. He proved His deity through many miracles, through fulfillment of messianic prophecies, by rising from the dead. All this from Jesus – a humble baby born in a dirty manger.

Jesus, the King, promises hope in our despair, help when we hurt, purpose in our journey, comfort and blessings in our suffering. Do you believe this?
This story of Jesus is a humble story with humble beginnings, the greatest miracles ever witnessed, the greatest claims and promises ever told, the greatest rescue of mankind from the snare of sin and death ever made in history and the greatest hope and display of supernatural love for all who choose to believe. John 3:16, For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.

Where is your faith?

Have you placed your faith in Christ and His work on the cross alone for forgiveness of your sins and reconciliation with a holy God? Or are you relying on good works, baptism, catechism, the sacraments, going to church or being a good person to get you into heaven? Jesus says, “No one comes to the Father but by me.” Won’t you put Jesus on the manger throne of your heart today? This humble Savior won’t demand to reside on the throne of our lives….. but, He made it so we’ll never be happy unless He does.
Is this Jesus enough for you?

He is the wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God, Prince of Peace, Everlasting Father. He is God, able to comfort you in your suffering, give you courage to face the future, free you from your guilt and sin, help you overcome your circumstances.

Take a look at your life.  How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times.  There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget.  In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new.  What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Living with hope

If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.

I’ll be in a really high and positive mood for about a day or so, but then the depression sets in again. I took your depression inventory and I know I am not severely depressed, but I am truly unhappy with everything in my life.  I don’t have any friends that I consider trustworthy enough to talk to about anything this personal. I’m surrounded by acquaintances who don’t understand who I truly am. I really need help.

Thank you for taking the time to write in to me. I wonder what the reasons behind your depression are? There are so many causes. It sounds to me like something is truly underlying this, whether it is a loss of some kind, low self-esteem, abuse, an eating disorder, or even dealing with the reality of disappointments in your life and your parents’ divorce. May I suggest that you read my story God’s Plan for Success in which I write about how I came to Christ and about how the divorce of my parents affected me. That was a crisis in my life but, God also used this trauma to help me grow in my relationship with Him.

What will make the difference in your life? Maybe you could ask yourself… if my life were all of the sudden to be so much better… what would need to happen?

• Would you need to change something?
• Would others need to change something?
• What is it about yourself that you want to change?
• Your appearance?
• Your status?
• Your social life?

May I suggest that since it is difficult to count on other people changing start with you and start with God.

My bet is that none of those things would bring you happiness or contentment – but, a good dose of self-confidence would.  I encourage you to begin to work on your self-esteem. Get the book The Search for Significance by Robert McGee and learn about the false beliefs you probably have which are holding you back and making you feel unhappy. Or order The Freedom from Depression Workbook by Les Carter, Frank Minirth or Learning to Tell Myself the Truth by William Backus.

People are usually unhappy because they are telling themselves that they are “not good enough”, “don’t measure up”, “worthless”, “damaged goods”, “failures”, etc. But, that is not how God looks at us.

Jesus Christ love us and has a wonderful plan for our lives. So, no matter what the circumstances are, Christ can change us from the inside out and give us a new perspective on life. Take a step towards Him and learn about how He can change your thinking and perspective. Begin to look at the ways the you are blessed and provided for.

Another recommendation I have is that you begin to build your friendships. You don’t trust people and thus, everyone is an acquaintance so, you feel isolated and disconnected. God made you to be part of His family and to be in close fellowship with other believers. Do you have a youth group in your church where you can get involved in some small groups and begin to make some closer friends?

You need to take the risk to let others know you. You are not trusting people because of your parents’ divorce and you fear that others will abandon you like your Dad did. Because of that, you have no one to express your feelings to and thus, you stuff them inside and the result is depression. Once you are depressed you can’t feel anything else — any good emotions. Expressing yourself to others (a couple of friends, a relative) is important so you can break the cycle of depression.

Won’t you try to do some of the things which I have suggested above? And talk to your Mother about going to counseling.  You can find a counselor.  If she can’t afford it, then, maybe you can see a school counselor. Or talk with a leader in your youth group. Don’t keep isolating because you will only feel worse.