Power to Change » marital issues

Talking about Emotional Abandonment

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 09:00:45 +0000

Do you sometimes feel emotionally disconnected even though your spouse is standing right next to you? FamilyLife Directors Neil and Sharol Josephson have been married for over thirty years and have spoken with thousands of couples. They discuss gender and personality differences for emotional abandonment, and how the way your parents connected when you were growing up may affect the way you communicate with your spouse today. How can you respond to your spouse’s desire for emotional intimacy while expressing your own relational needs?

Next: Connecting Emotionally

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How do you deal with a disengaged spouse?
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Emotional Abandonment: Bridging the Gap

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 09:00:42 +0000

Do you sometimes feel emotionally disconnected even though your spouse is standing right next to you? FamilyLife Directors Neil and Sharol Josephson have been married for over thirty years and have spoken with thousands of couples. In this video series, they discuss gender and personality differences for emotional abandonment, and how the way your parents connected when you were growing up may affect the way you communicate with your spouse today. How can you respond to your spouse’s desire for emotional intimacy while expressing your own relational needs?

1. Causes of Emotional Abandonment
2. Dealing with a Disengaged Spouse
3. Talking about Emotional Abandonment
4. Connecting Emotionally
5. Good Communication in Marriage
6. Sex and Emotional Connections

Dealing with a Disengaged Spouse

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 09:00:39 +0000

Next: Talking about Emotional Abandonment

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How do you deal with a disengaged spouse?
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How your online activities affect your personal relationships

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What Causes Emotional Abandonment?

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 09:00:36 +0000

Next: Dealing with a Disengaged Spouse

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How do you deal with a disengaged spouse?
Need tips on how to communicate?
How your online activities affect your personal relationships

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Sex and Emotional Connections

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 09:00:17 +0000

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How do you deal with a disengaged spouse?
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Good Communication in Marriage

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 09:00:15 +0000

Next: Sex and Emotional Connections

Take the next step:
How do you deal with a disengaged spouse?
Need tips on how to communicate?
How your online activities affect your personal relationships

Return to the Emotional Abandonment Index Page

Connecting Emotionally

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 09:00:07 +0000

Next: Good Communication in Marriage

Take the next step:
How do you deal with a disengaged spouse?
Need tips on how to communicate?
How your online activities affect your personal relationships

Return to the Emotional Abandonment Index Page

“I Do”… Again?

Fri, 16 Sep 2011 12:00:09 +0000

It was love at first sight for Cheryl and Jeff. Young and ambitious, the two fell in love and and got married. They had it all: ocean view home, the right clothes, the best jobs and there was nothing to want for that money could buy. But what about the things money couldn’t buy? Like happiness or love. Cheryl found herself secretly discontent and began to question her love for Jeff. Jeff, on the other hand went on oblivious to the true feelings his wife harbored and slowly, they drifted apart… Cheryl into the arms of another man.

She had an idea of what the perfect life looked like. That’s what she wanted, that’s what she worked for and that’s what she had. “But it was fake.” So is divorce, then, the answer or is it just running from the real problem? For Cheryl it was the answer and that answer was to end it all. However just because our plans are to end something doesn’t mean they are God’s. And just because we make mistakes -big or small- doesn’t mean He can’t fix them. In the end, both Cheryl and Jeff had to have faith, pure faith to see things through. See how faithfully God reconciled their seven-year divorce, step by step, back into the marriage He had in mind.

Are you struggling with your marriage?

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Was Getting Married the Right Decision?

Tue, 19 Jul 2011 22:18:24 +0000

As newly weds Mark and his wife would sometimes get into arguments. Mark would say to his wife “Should we have gotten married? Was this the right decision?” In the aftermath of one particular argument his wife asked, “Do you really believe that?” Mark’s answer to her question changed everything.

Using Guilt As A Weapon?

Wed, 07 May 2008 21:40:38 +0000

Using guilt as a weapon may get you what you want in the short term, but it is a dangerous tactic that will undermine your relationship and rob you of intimacy with your partner. Have you ever found yourself turning to your special someone and saying “If you loved me you would” or ending an argument with “don’t worry about me” and sighing deeply? If so, you may be using guilt as a weapon.

Using guilt against your partner destroys intimacy by making love conditional. If you manipulate your partner with guilt you are telling them that unless things are done the way you demand you will stop loving them. You set yourself up in a position of power that can only be sustained by keeping the other person down. Guilt attacks both your partner and your relationship.

Guilt sets-up tests. Guilt-tripping your partner often takes the form of “if you loved me you would” or “I don’t see why you can’t just” statements. Both of these set up tasks that your partner must perform to your satisfaction in order to be accepted and worthy of love. Setting up tests like this says to your loved one “I don’t believe that you love me. Prove it.” It attacks your partner and requires that they start from the beginning and prove their love all over again.
Guilt destroys trust. Guilt attacks a person with the intent to harm them. It is a disciplinary behavior designed to cause pain so that the other person will change their point of view or behavior. How can you expect your partner to trust someone who is intentionally wounding them? Without trust, a healthy relationship is impossible because trust creates the environment where intimacy can grow. It is the basis for honesty, openness and vulnerability. You cannot develop emotional intimacy with someone you have to protect yourself from.
Guilt refuses to forgive. One of the most painful ways to wound your partner with guilt is to bring up past hurts and wrongs. No matter what your partner has done in the past or how sorry they are for doing it, there is absolutely nothing they can do today to take it back. Bringing up past behavior is a cruel way to punish someone. If you choose, you can torture them with it forever and it will never go away. Loving someone requires forgiving the past and letting it go. If you honestly can’t let go of something that has happened then you cannot be in a relationship with that person. It simply does not work.

Why do we use guilt?

Using guilt is never an act of love, it is always an act of violence. It may masquerade as ‘brutal honesty’ but the true intention of guilt is always to wound, to hurt and to break down. Whatever it is we’re after, guilt aims to make the other person suffer. So why do we do it?

We often resort to using guilt when we feel threatened, unloved or unworthy. Something in the relationship — or in our past — makes us feel vulnerable and we resort to guilt to in an attempt to regain control of the situation. Unfortunately, using guilt never gives us what we’re really looking for. Instead of building the intimacy we crave, attacking our partner with guilt pulls us apart.

In healthy relationships there is no position of power. Both partners are genuinely interested in the other’s well being and so there is no reason to feel threatened, no fear of attack. Both partners can be open and honest in a safe environment where they are valued and card for.

Getting past guilt

If you find yourself using guilt as a weapon in your relationship, the answer to why you’re doing it is in you, not your partner. Ask yourself why you feel threatened in this relationship. Is there something in the past that you cannot forgive? Is there a good reason for you to be afraid? Do you have trouble trusting people? Do you suffer from low self-esteem? Do you feel that the relationship is moving too quickly? Take some time to get to the root of your fear and ask yourself :

is this relationship worth it?
do I really love him/her?
do I want to be in this relationship?
what is holding me back?

If your partner is using guilt as a weapon against you, find out why you are allowing yourself to be treated this way. Love isn’t suppose to hurt. It’s not suppose to make you feel small. If you have made a mistake in the past, that doesn’t give your partner the right to punish you for it forever. It may mean that you cannot be together, but better to be alone than to be in an abusive relationship. If you feel that you deserve to be treated this way, I encourage you to seek out a counselor to find out why.

A relationship is only worth being in if both partners are free to be who they are. You cannot love or be loved properly in an environment where guilt is used as a weapon. It cannot last for the long haul. Emotional intimacy doesn’t just happen because you are in a relationship with someone. Intimacy, like trust, has to be built. It takes conscious choices and effort from both partners, but the result is definitely worth it.

Living with hope

If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.