Several routes to this disastrous awakening exist. The first is obvious: perhaps you had sex with several guys before you were married, and it was an empty experience. Most teenage girls who sleep around, for instance, don’t experience orgasm, and often don’t really experience much arousal at all. The guys aren’t really into giving the girls pleasure; they’re too young and immature. So your body doesn’t necessarily learn how to become aroused, and sex isn’t that exciting.

The other route is the exact opposite. You did everything right. You waited until you were married to make love, but your husband was so into it that everything happened very fast. He liked it so much that he wanted to all the time. So it became a chore. You never really “awakened” love.

What’s all the fuss about?

I think many women are in this situation. They just don’t see what all the fuss with sex is about. It seems like everyone is lying to them. It’s as if culture is trying to con women into thinking it’s something great, so that you’ll want to make love all the time, but the truth is it’s not that great at all. They start to believe that sex was designed for men, and it’s a big rip off.

If this is you, your love was awakened too early, and in the wrong way. And chances are you’ve become a little bitter about sex. It’s just something else on your to-do list. Then you read on blogs that Christian women are supposed to understand how much their husbands need sex, and you’re supposed to put out. Oh, great. That’s really fun now, isn’t it?

I understand. Believe me, I do. But I also think that there’s a way past this, and I want to share it with you today to offer some hope.

How to awaken love again

Maybe what you need to do is to awaken love again. Talk to your husband about it, and if he will agree, take a sexual hiatus for two or three weeks, or longer if you have to. During that time you agree not to make love. That way the pressure is off. You’re not working towards some goal anymore. Instead, take that time to explore. Lie naked together and just touch each other. Let him touch you and figure out what actually feels good. Have baths together.

It may kill him, and so I really don’t recommend that this last very long for his sake. But I think some women need to be reminded that they do, actually, have a sex drive. It’s just buried and never really woke up for a whole variety of reasons. We need to figure out what feels good, and he needs to figure out what to do to make you feel good. You can also have fun with his body, too, when you realize that your performance isn’t the point of the evening.

I don’t recommend this for everyone (though it is fun for a night every now and then in almost any marriage), but if you talk with your husband and explain it, I think it can revolutionize many marriages.

 Take the next step:

I love my husband, but I don’t like sex
Help! My wife doesn’t want sex
Help! My husband doesn’t want sex 

Then, when we know that we’re not really in the mood for an amazing, earth-shattering experience, we feel like it would be dishonest to go ahead and have sex. So we don’t do anything at all. We roll over and say goodnight and wait for a night where we might actually be breathless and wanting it–even if such nights only occur about every six weeks (or six months), if we’re lucky.

But here’s the truth about female libido: normally we aren’t breathless until we start making love. Our libido isn’t like a man’s; we don’t typically feel “hot” before we start. We usually need some stimulation to help things get going. And interestingly, the more women have sex, the easier it is to become aroused. The less often women have sex, the harder it is to become aroused. It’s not like if we deprive ourselves for a long time, that makes it even hotter. It’s actually the opposite. The less you do it, the less you want to do it. Your body just forgets about its sex drive.

Have you ever heard the term maintenance sex? Maintenance sex is not a Hollywood idea where every encounter is supposedly incredible.  Maintenance sex is a real marriage term. In real marriage I think maintenance sex is important. It keeps the juices flowing, so to speak.  So maintenance sex is not just about pleasing him; it’s sort of like making love as a promise to him and to yourself:  I’m doing this because sex is important in our relationship. I’m doing this because I believe sex is great, even if the earth doesn’t always move for me. And I’m doing this because I know that the earth will move for me soon, even if it’s not tonight.

Now, if the earth NEVER moves for you, check out Why Doesn’t Sex Fell That Good to Me?  To Love Honor and Vacuum, my blog has numerous other articles about women and sex.

Remember that maintenance sex helps him feel good about the relationship, keeps you connected, and helps your own libido. So don’t forget about sex until you really want to. Make love regularly. It doesn’t have to take a ton of time.  Just throw yourself into it, and you’ll likely find that your improved attitude makes it a lot more fun!

So what do we do if we’re honestly feeling horrible, and yet our husbands still want to make love? He wants to get pleasure from something that seems to be causing you pain. That just seems wrong, and slightly disgusting. You want to be honored and loved; and he wants to feel loved in a sexual way. But how can sex be good if it results in you feeling pain?

Unfortunately, you’re essentially at a deadlock: he wants something that you feel that you can’t give him, and so you don’t feel loved; and you don’t want to give him what he feels he needs, and so he doesn’t feel loved. Both of you have a legitimate problem, and neither is going to win by getting into an argument as to which need is paramount. Both of you require the other to give something that seems too large to give.

Don’t just give in

Giving in is not the answer.  The answer is a significant change of mindset.  This change of mindset will aid in moving toward oneness, true intimacy.

First, let me give a little background on a woman’s sex drive. Women function largely in our minds. In order for us to become aroused, our minds have to be engaged. Men aren’t like that. Men are very body-focused, so for them to be ready to go, they don’t have to think much at all. Because we are mostly in our mind, we are also extremely prone to distraction.  If a stray thought comes into our mind, we can lose any amount of arousal we feel. Thus, the “not tonight, honey, because I have a headache” is very real for most women. When we are feeling pain, it’s extremely hard to get in the mood because something else is intruding.

Sex can actually help with physical pain

Nevertheless, that’s often the best treatment. Researchers have found that one of the best cures for a migraine is sex. The sudden release and euphoria often stops the pain, and frequent sex seems to prevent them. So even though it’s counterintuitive, sex often helps with headaches.

The same is true with other kinds of muscle pain. Sex allows muscles to relax, and is a tremendous physical boost. And it helps you sleep better!

I know it’s hard to see it like that when you’re in pain, but pray that God will show you that sex can be something that helps with pain and exhaustion, not something that can contribute to it. When sex becomes all about something you do for him, it’s a chore, and it’s only going to contribute to your pain and your exhaustion. When sex, on the other hand, becomes something you can share which can help you relax and help you feel less pain, then you’ve got a stake in it, too.

The key is to get to the point where you can actually physically enjoy sex when your body itself is in great discomfort and very tense. Instead of looking on it as a chore, though, why not look on it as a challenge as a couple? It may be that you need to spend a lot of time relaxing first, in a hot bath together, or with a massage. You may need to work at finding a position that feels the most comfortable for you. You may even need to work at achieving orgasm for you some other way than intercourse (even if he achieves orgasm through intercourse), since it’s orgasm that’s most likely to help you relax.

Explain to your husband that you want to see if you can start connecting physically and sexually so that you feel better together, but also so that your body finds new ways to relax and get some sleep. That means that sex has to be something, for you, that is gentle, drawn out, and low-pressure. But it also means that, for him, it is something that should be rather frequent. It means that he’s going to have to learn a lot of foreplay, and learn to do a lot of massage. But the good part is that you get to connect a lot more and feel a lot more intimate.

Maybe with this being a new year you can try to turn over a new leaf and pray that God will help you see sex differently, as a potential to make you feel more physically safe and comfortable, and more intimate with your husband.

And perhaps, instead of sex being something you fight over, sex can become something which helps both of you feel better!

Have you ever struggled with pain? How did you resolve it as a couple? Share in the comments below.

This is the time of year when many people look at their debt situation and shudder.

They’ll begin with high hopes. But many of them will quit before reaching their goal, disappointed, discouraged and defeated. Is there something that they could have done differently that would have given them a better chance at success? I think so.

You can find all kinds of advice about how to get out of debt. The web is full of the stuff. But, when you boil it all down, there are three things that form a foundation for a get out of debt effort.

1. Don’t expect immediate results. You won’t be getting out of debt in a matter of days or weeks. The only way to eliminate your debts quickly is to inherit a large sum of money, win the lottery or declare bankruptcy. The first two are unlikely. The third may remove debts quickly, but you’ll suffer with a lower credit score for years to come.

Recognize that it will probably take about as long to get out of debt as it took you to get into it. You can speed up the process but you won’t eliminate debt that took 10 years to accumulate in 10 months. You can shorten the time by being aggressive in your payback plan, but it still will be a long process.

What’s the take-away? You need to be prepared for a marathon race. This is not a sprint. If you’re prepared for the long haul you won’t be disappointed and discouraged when a year passes and you haven’t eliminated all your debts. You’ll expect a long battle and be ready to fight it.

2. You need a good plan. A good plan will stand the test of time. The longer you work with a good plan, the more you appreciate its usefulness. There are a number of good plans readily available. You may find that one is particularly well suited to your situation.

Any good plan will have a number of characteristics:

1. It will include all your debts. That’s important to help you see the whole picture.
2. It will help you evaluate exactly how bad your debt situation is. Not only will you know how much you owe, but you’ll know how much it’s costing you in interest each month/year.
3. It will include a priority of which debts to pay off first – smallest to biggest? Highest to lowest interest rate?
4. It will allow you to know how much money you’ll have each month to repay debts.
5. It will free you from having decisions to make each month. You know how much money you’ll have and which debt is being reduced first. The decision is already made. It’s just a matter of executing your plan.
6. It will allow you to calculate an approximate date that you’ll be debt free.
7. It will help you monitor your progress. You should be able to predict where you’ll be 6 months from now. And, then compare your actual results to that prediction.
8. It will take your personality into account. Some people need the motivation of seeing many small accounts being repaid quickly.
9. Others are happier watching the average interest rate their paying decrease each month. A good plan will be tailored to your personality.

A good plan will do all those things. Some offer other bells and whistles. But any good plan should do all of the above things. If your plan doesn’t do them, keep looking for one that does. This job is hard enough with a good plan. Don’t weigh yourself down with a bad one.

3.  Find a way to keep yourself motivated throughout the process. Once again, you’ll need to know what would encourage you when you’re thinking of quitting. For some people, rewards along the way work well. Perhaps a nice dinner or that coffee maker you’ve wanted would be a good reward when your car loan is repaid. Knowing that a reward is within reach could be enough to keep you going.

For others one big reward at the end is the best motivation. I know of people who’ve wanted to go on a cruise for years. They’ve added the cost of the cruise to their debts. And when it’s all paid off they’ll be packing their bags. To remind them now, they’ve posted pictures of cruise ships around the house as a continual reminder.

Getting out of debt is a tough challenge, but it’s a worthwhile one. And it’s one that you can accomplish with the right tools and sufficient determination!

Take the next step:
Managing debt starts with a plan
Digging out of debt 
Take a lesson: How to beat stress

1. Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.
2. A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.
3. Men are insecure. Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life — not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.
4. Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family. Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.
5. Men want more sex. Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.
6. Sex means more than sex. When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!
7. Men struggle with visual temptation. This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.
8. Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic. True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?
9. Men care about their wife’s appearance. This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.
10. Men want their wives to know how much they love them. This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.

Drifting seems to be a norm for many relationships after the honeymoon phase ends.   Life gets busy, things pile up and it’s easy for other things to become a priority and take center stage.  If you have kids, even more so. Not to mention the daily stressors of life.  After a while the time and energy you once put into your relationship is diverted to other things.  A subtle drift sets in.  For many marriages this becomes the status quo. . . until one day you seem very far apart and don’t know what happened.

Crisis can become another factor in drifting apart.  Crisis can accelerate the divide much more intensely and quickly.  Crisis is what really impacted our family.

Several years ago some major health and financial issues hit our family.   It was the beginning of a very stressful time in our lives.  It felt like a giant wave had just picked us up and carried us to an unwanted, unexpected place and dumped us there.  We had no choice, no control and didn’t know when or how we would get back to familiar territory.   We faced many challenges including a major reversal in our roles.  I stepped back into the workforce after being a stay at home mom for fifteen years. My husband’s health limited him.  There was a lot of stress as my husband, our kids and I adjusted to the new norm.   I adopted a “do what needs to be done to get through” mindset.  My focus became very narrow.  I needed to protect.  I needed to provide.  I forged ahead.  This crisis really impacted our marriage.  Knowing that logically and living it in reality are two different things.

A year ago I realized the way we were functioning was not good for our marriage or our family -long term. Stress behavior needed to transition back to a “normal” mode of functioning.  My husband and I realized just how much of a toll it was taking on our marriage.  It was time to step back and take inventory.

The cost had been high.  Some of it was expected, given all that had happened, but we realized we didn’t want our marriage to stay where it was.   So now what?  How were we going to get to a better place relationally when it was clear our circumstances were never going back to the way they were?

We had to be intentional. 

Being intentional about marriage can take many forms.  For us, there were several steps to our process.  The first step was to take inventory.  We had to ask what this had cost us individually, our marriage, and our kids.  Then based on the inventory results we developed a plan.

The plan started with both of us working on self first.  We had to be intentional about what we each needed as individuals in order to be healthy before we focused on our marriage.  At that point working on self was the beginning point for working on our marriage. 

Next, we looked at communication.  Communication is a key part of every marriage.  It becomes even more important when you hit a crisis.  Our inventory surfaced some communication issues we needed to work on.  Top of the list was being honest and open while considering wise timing.  I had to learn to be more open about things I had been keeping to myself, but I needed to consider timing and not just dump when I felt I needed to.  Timing can be the difference between a discussion going well or becoming a disaster.  We also had to learn a balance between over communicating and under communicating.

The next step was identifying and being proactive about our different Love Languages.  We had given lip service to that concept but now we began to act on it.  We made a priority of understanding and being purposeful about each other’s love language. For example, my primary languages are Quality Time and Receiving Gifts.  It was amazing to both of us how even the littlest thing my husband did with that in mind made huge deposits into my emotional love tank.

We also recognized we needed to prioritize time to build our marriage.  This would mean different things at different times.  Going out on a date and leaving behind the difficulties of our circumstances was important.  We had to be intentional about not using our date time to talk about negative things; this was our “fun” time.  We needed to have fun together and enjoy each other.  But at other times we needed to discuss things we had been avoiding.  So we learned to set aside a specific time to talk about “that” issue and not put it off any longer.  In fact, we started having a regular time for these “business” discussions. We both knew when the conversation would be so we could prepare and know what to expect.  The range of issues were varied; sometimes finances, scheduling, health, parenting, or relational health for our marriage.  We still meet once a week to deal with the “business” side of marriage and we always leave the house.  We go get a coffee or go for a drive.  We’ve come to see that we need specific time for fun and time to talk through the bigger issues of our life and our marriage.  Both are really important.

In the midst of all the difficulty, the key to being intentional about our marriage was to reestablish our commitment.   Statistically, it’s in times of hardship that divorce rates sky rocket. But being intentional about commitment can be the driving force that moves you forward through the hardship.  When our wave swept over us, our commitment was a very key foundation.  Commitment is defined as:  devotion or dedication to a cause, person, or relationship.  Part of this devotion and dedication to our relationship was to look for positives in our marriage and in each other.  I made a list of the things I appreciate about my husband.  I mentally refer to the list at random times.  Especially when I’m frustrated!

The next step in our journey of intentionality was resources – books, workbooks, videos and articles -  many of them from FamilyLifecanada.com.  It is amazing how God provided resources for me when I needed them.  Sometimes it came in the form of a well-timed email or phone call.  Sometimes it was as simple as a text message from a friend that said “I care”.  Friends were our best resource.  We were not meant to walk through life alone.  Community brings care, as well as life experience and helpful insights.  A very important part of our plan was wise counsel and accountability with people we could be really honest with.

Today, a year later, I see much progress.  Sometimes it was hard to detect in the midst of the difficulty and sometimes it came in unexpected or even unwanted ways.  But it was there when I looked for it.  There’s more needed, but after 22 years of marriage I realize that will always be the case.  We are a work in progress.  Thankfully we are progressing; not just drifting unawares or dividing because of crisis.

Intentionality in a relationship is SO important.   And it’s especially important when your crisis “wave” hits.  But let me encourage you, there is a way through:  be intentional, make a plan and move forward.

For ideas about being intentional refer to the book The Love Dare by Stephen Kendrick.  To learn more about the Love Languages read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend is a great resource for healthy boundaries in marriage.  For those struggling with the unexpected wave hitting Plan B by Pete Wilson or Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb are good books.  Finally for those struggling through grief I found A Grace Disguised very helpful.

In today’s “anything goes” culture what are the parameters for good sex between a Christian husband and wife?

God definitely has something to say on this topic.  First and most important, is the necessity that each spouse honors the other’s comfort level, respectfully. True love does not force someone to do something that causes them pain, shame or discomfort, be it physical or emotional.  If one spouse puts on the brakes, the other needs to honor that.  However, I’ve also discovered that for women who have been sexually abused or had sexual trauma in their past, their sexual comfort level can be skewed, in that ANYTHING associated with sex causes them discomfort or even disgust. For those women, healing is needed in order to see sexuality as God created it – a good and wonderful thing between husband and wife.  For more information refer to my article Healing from your Sexual Past or my book Kiss Me Again:  Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage

When it comes to knowing what is appropriate in God’s eyes, ask these three questions:

1. Is it prohibited in Scripture?
If it isn’t prohibited in Scripture, then it’s allowed. Sometimes a study of biblical terms will be necessary to answer this question. For example, the Bible does not use the word pornography, yet, is very clear that the use of pornography is prohibited in Scripture. God talks about sexual immorality and sexual impurity, including obscenity – these are all words that would describe pornography. I have talked to many Christian couples who felt that pornography within marriage is okay. However, I would argue based on my study of the Scriptures, and the damage caused by pornography, that God’s language on this topic prohibits the making, viewing and distributing of pornography.

2. Is it beneficial?
2 Corinthians 6:12 says, “Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but I will not be mastered by anything.” If your activity is not prohibited, ask God to show you if it’s causing you, your spouse or your marriage harm in any way. Often what is right for one person, could trigger painful things for someone else, and therefore, cause pain for you and your marriage. Don’t allow anything into your bedroom that becomes an obsession for one or both of you.  Don’t choose something that may demoralize, or replace the other.

3. Does it involve anyone else?
This one is really important, because in Hebrews 13:4, God implores us to honor our marriage bed and keep it pure. He gave sex as an amazing, bonding gift within marriage, between a husband and a wife. Whenever we bring anyone else into our marriage bed, even through pornography or in fantasy in our minds, we have crossed into the prohibited area according to God.

I would also caution you to be careful how much you talk about your “marital bedroom”.  What happens between a husband and wife is private and personal.  You need to trust one another that what you do with each other is not a topic of conversation with others.  The key is to honor and respect your partner in all things, which includes what we talk about with others.  There is a very fine line of what is appropriate and what is not.

God loves us so much, and because He is our Creator He knows exactly what we need, what will hurt us, and what will be good for us and help us thrive. His guidelines are not to punish us or ruin our fun, but to provide the best for us, and to protect us from incredible heartbreak, pain and damage.  So with that in mind have fun together and enjoy what God created for pleasure!

Take the next step:

How you can have better sex
Reconciling your sexual past with your marriage
Say “Yes” to more sex

So this year, may we encourage you to put the best ingredients into your marriage?  Simple ones like time.  Attention.  Intention.  Romance.  Sex.  Laughter.  Gratitude.  Celebration.

At the beginning of every year, Neil and I have a “State of the Union” weekend where we review the past year and look forward to the next.  We talk about the joys, challenges and disappointments of the year past and set some goals, make some plans and dream forward into the new year.   We started doing it about 15 years ago after a particularly troubled time in our marriage.   In fact, it was the roughest season we’d ever experienced.  We found ourselves frosty roommates rather than the passionate friends and lovers we’d always been to each other.  We couldn’t believe we’d allowed ourselves to get so far off track.  A weekend retreat helped us get honest and slowly start making our way back.   We realized our marriage had become the victim of benign neglect.  We’d been trying to keep a marriage alive on scraps.  Scraps of time, scraps of attention, scraps of energy.   Cheap ingredients.  We agreed we wanted more than that.  So now we get away once a year – for a day, a weekend, and this year, for a week – to take stock, to plan and to make sure we’re putting the very best ingredients in our 33 year “stew”.  We leave on Sunday!

We use different tools to guide our conversation.  This year we’ll be using a guide I found on a blog site (simplemom.net) I visit occasionally and highly recommend. You can download the Goal-Setting Guide for 2012 here.  It might help provide a process and some great questions for you and your spouse to talk through.

Some suggestions:

And cover it all with a big helping of prayer.  That’s the best ingredient of all.

Bon Appetit!

Neil and Sharol Josephson are the Directors of FamilyLife Canada