I am married to a wonderful woman. 

I recall grunting in agreement and relishing the moment.  I had found the one.

But now I’m not so sure.

For those who may know me in person, please don’t start any rumors.  Shelaine and I have a sound marriage, a strong bond, and a deep love.  But I am no longer convinced that our marriage is strong because Shelaine is perfect for me, or that I am ideal for her.  We are certainly compatible, and share similar values and ways of thinking.  But we differ on all sorts of interests and skills.  So why does our marriage work?  I’m now more convinced that the success of our marriage is not because we “found the one,” but because we have “chosen this one” to love deeply and faithfully.   There’s a big difference.

The Myth of Finding “The One”

The myth that there is one perfect person out there who will make the ideal mate shows up in our fairy tales, favorite movies, and video games.  The myth goes something like this:  You are a searcher in this game called love, and if you put your time in, and meet lots of potential mates, you’re bound to find “the one.”  But it’s not all up to you, for Lady Luck will be on your side.  And one day, cross your fingers, you’ll discover your very own one-in-a-million mate.

While this prospect may seem daunting, the myth also promises that you will know “the one” from special signals—a glance across the room, their drop-dead good looks, or magical words they speak.  After meeting “the one,” you will fall for him or her as naturally as gravity drops stone.  You will feel emotionally and sexually drawn to them, think about them, spend money on them, act crazy around them, and ignore others for love of them.  Eventually you will fix your hopes and dreams on them, for after all, they are meant for you.

It’s a nice story but let’s look at this objectively… 

What if Lady Luck really is in charge of us finding a life partner?  This means that our lives are not much different from rolling dice in Vegas.  Some get lucky, and win the jackpot.  Most do not.  But at least in Vegas the odds of throwing sevens with two dice (for example) are 6 out of the 36 possible combinations, or 1 in 6.  Those are pretty good odds.  Wouldn’t it be great if every sixth person we meet could be “the one”?

But the myth says there’s just one.  Not one in six.  So with eight billion people on earth the odds against us increase dramatically.   Finding true love with Lady Luck makes for a slim chance it will happen.

Believing the myth leads to two harmful patterns

The first is to think that the more people we date or marry or love, the more likely we will finally roll a winner.   In its honest form this makes us date-maniacs; in its ugly form it makes us promiscuous.   In college I knew a guy who took one woman to a morning soccer game, another to an afternoon football game, and a third to an evening play.  When I commented, quite smugly, “I date only women I think I might marry,” he smiled and responded, “Me too!”  Maybe so, but to me it looked like he was fishing.  And I probably was too.

The other bad pattern is that we begin to think that a series of failed relationships increases our chances of getting lucky the next time.  This is called the gambler’s fallacy.  Like a person who has not thrown a seven in thirty attempts, we are prone to think “I am due for a winner; the odds are now for me.”  Truth is, in the rolling of dice, the odds of throwing a seven are always 1 in 6; always, no matter what came before.   In relationships I suggest the odds of landing a ‘winner’ actually decrease, for a series of failed relationships probably tells us more about our choices than about the odds.

But what if Luck isn’t at work, but Fate?

What if our success in relating has already been pre-determined by some impersonal force in the cosmos?  Or what if our past actions have in some way determined our current circumstances?  Believing that our lives are planned out by an impersonal force can lead to other problems relationally.

Some readers may recall the song popularized by Doris Day that said:

When I was young I fell in love,
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead,
Will we have rainbows day after day?
This is what my sweetheart said:
“Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be,
the future’s not ours to see; que sera, sera.”

There’s wisdom in the song.  We don’t know the future.  We don’t know if it holds rainbows or thunderstorms or drought.

However, if we think everything is planned out, beyond our control, we may hedge on our role to make wise choices or to own the consequences of choices we make.  A fatalist, when encountering marriage problems, has an out and may think “I guess this was not meant to be. I can’t change; my partner can’t change.”  We resign ourselves to inaction because, well, it won’t make a difference anyway.  Que sera sera.

But what if neither Luck nor Fate guide our relational experiences.  What if it’s up to us and we’re responsible for the choices we make?  And what if God cares for how our relating turns out, and supports and guides us along the way?

I know that theologians have debated whether God predestines our entire life to the very last iota, or if He gives us real choice within the wider boundaries of his will.  I lean more to the second idea, especially in relating.  So to revise my opening idea, I will be bold enough to suggest that success of our marriage is not because we have “found the one” whom God planned for us, but because we have followed him in obedience to choose one person whom we love deeply and faithfully.

Why am I so sure?

The main reason is because we are made in God’s image, and God is a choice-maker.  He didn’t set things up and then walk away.  (That’s deism.)  Rather, God has made, and continues to make, choices in human history—choices that have played out in how we relate to him.  For example, he chose to create the first couple, chose to remove them from paradise when they disobeyed, chose Abraham to bless, chose David and other kings to rule, and chose Jesus to make right our estranged relationship with him.  I believe he chooses to engage his creation, including us, as we depend on him and his Spirit within.

So what does this mean for Shelaine and me?  It means that I not only chose her from among several potential mates, but that I continue to love her despite the presence of other women in my world.  This is called covenantal love.  I chose her, and continue to choose her, forsaking all others as the old vow goes.

It also means that our differences and arguments and misunderstanding are not a sign of us having married “the wrong one,” but an indicator that we have work to do, work such as active listening, honest validating of each other’s views, and clear communication as to our hopes and concerns.  It means we make personal choices, and couple choices, in order to build a better bond.  It means we make promises for the good of our relationship, and stick with those promises.  Even if you find a mate through a values-based matching service, you may marry someone who is compatible, but still fallible, and requiring patience and grace.  You still choose to love.

Finally, when we recognize that we choose one to love, one to whom we remain faithful, that we can’t hide behind flimsy and selfish reasons for abandoning ship when we hit rough waters.  It may mean we humble ourselves and get counseling.  It may mean we make hard choices about working less and relating more.  It may mean we have to forgive and reconcile rather than carry toxic resentment.

One day Jesus explained to his disciples this dynamic of choosing to love.  John records it this way in Chapter 15:

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. … My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  … You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.  This is my command: Love each other.

Let’s not look for “the one” to love.  Let’s choose to love, especially our “chosen one.”

Take the next step:
What does God’s love look like?
How to be happily married
Rebuilding Trust – learn to trust again

He says, “Here’s what I realized: I could continue to be selfish, or I could be happily married. But I couldn’t do both.”

If you’re ready to improve your own relationship watch the video to see how Neil deals with his own selfishness.  At thirty years and counting, he must be doing something right.

Give your relationship a boost with a Weekend to Remember couple’s conference.  Here’s what other couples are saying:

Gave a roadmap to making our relationship work.
It has been like a breath of fresh air.
This weekend saved my family
Great reset button for us. 

Conferences take place throughout the year all across the US and Canada.

The difference God Makes:

How to Know Jesus Personally

Are You Experiencing the Spirit Filled Life?

Take the next step:

Marriage in a rut? Focus on your strengths
Learn how to make decisions together
If you have questions about marriage, ask a mentor  (It’s private and free.)

It’s a subject that none of us want to think about.

Getting started

So let’s do something today that we don’t want to do. Let’s evaluate your estate planning and see if it’s adequate for the job. For the record, I am not an attorney and this is not meant to be legal advice. I have been a financial planner and often referred clients to get competent legal advice. This is meant to do the same.

First, let’s create working definitions for a couple of commonly used terms. “Estate” refers to what financial and physical assets that you own (or partially own) at the time of your death. “Estate planning” is the planning that you do before your death to make sure that your wishes are followed after death. A “will” is the most commonly used document to make your wishes known to those who survive you and any appropriate government authorities.

Estate planning

We’ll begin with estate planning. You’ll need to decide what you want your estate plan to do. Someone will need to be named the “executor” or boss of your estate. They’ll assume the responsibility of executing your last wishes. That person does not need to be a lawyer.
Any adult with good judgment will do. Often a family member is chosen but you may want someone from outside the family like a lawyer or bank to do the job.

You’ll want something that will provide instructions on how to distribute your financial assets and physical property. You may want specific items to go to designated persons. Or you may want to make it clear that certain persons are to be excluded from any inheritance.

If you have children you’ll want to specify who you want to raise your kids. Remember that they’ll need someone to take care of them both physically and to manage their finances until they reach adulthood. Quite often minor children are left financial assets in a parent’s estate.

You’ll also want to consider whether any estate taxes could apply. If so, you may be able to take steps to reduce the tax burden your heirs will face. OK, now that we’ve spent some time thinking about what we want to happen after we’re gone, let’s talk about how we make sure that it does happen.

Wills matter
In most cases the primary document is a ‘will’ or ‘last will and testament.’ A will is a very specific document. It’s not a list of items with names next to them that you keep in your safe deposit box or post it notes pasted on a silver tea service that you want to go to little Sally.

A will is a legal document that contains certain elements that are required by state law. While none of these elements are difficult, failure to include them could invalidate the will. And, to complicate matters, each state has slightly different requirements. Make sure that your will is legal in your state of residence. Have it rechecked if you’ve moved to a new state since it was written.

Many single adults think that they don’t need a will. Typically they’re wrong. Without a will it take could months to have someone assigned to sell a car owned by the deceased or pay any bills. There could even be a problem finding someone to pay funeral expenses.

Another common misconception is that married couples can solve the problem by putting everything into joint accounts. Unfortunately not everything can be titled jointly (think of jewelry or home electronics). And, even if everything is held jointly, what happens if both spouses go in a joint accident?

Dying without a will can leave a real mess. State law will determine who is the executor and how your property will be distributed. That might not produce the results you want. For instance, in some cases law dictates that some inheritance goes to children before the surviving spouse.

It’s especially important for unmarried couples. State laws are a patchwork. In some places they recognize common-law marriage the same as one registered with the state. In other places, a life-long live-in partner is accorded no more rights than a complete stranger.

State laws are also problematic for couples in a second marriage. You may think that certain assets that you brought into a second marriage should go to the children of your first marriage. The state might think otherwise.

Bottom line? Just about everyone who has reached adulthood should have a will.

Making a will

Being frugal it’s tempting to want to write your own will or buy a form where you just fill in the blanks. Normally I encourage do-it-yourself efforts. But in this case that could be a mistake.
Remember that if something isn’t done right no one will know until after you’re gone and can’t correct it. A small mistake could be very costly. This might be one of those cases where hiring a professional is good money management.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t shop around to save some money. If you’ve already thought about what you want your estate plan to accomplish you’ll reduce the number of hours the attorney will spend preparing your will. That will save you some money.

Finally, you’ll want to make sure that your executor has access to a copy of your will when you die. They will need it as proof that they can make decisions for you. Give them have a copy of the will, or, if you’d prefer that they not see it, give a copy to your lawyer and let the executor know who the lawyer is. Don’t put the only copy in your bank box. The bank will not let the executor enter just because they say they have a right. The bank will require proof. And that proof is locked in your box.

Planning for your estate does not need to be expensive. Unless your financial or personal affairs are complicated getting the documents prepared isn’t that expensive. But, it is important. Don’t leave a financial mess as a last memory of you for your loved ones.

Take the next step:

Get control of your finances
Lessons from an economic crisis
5 Things money can do

As I sat on the edge of a hotel room bed during a business trip we’d taken together I blurted, “I’m so lonely. Is this all there is?”

Sherman looked confused. “I thought you were happy?” he replied.

At twenty-one and twenty-two years old we were young, broke, inexperienced, and not at all prepared for marriage. I had become pregnant and lost the baby just three months after we were married. And now I was four months pregnant and constantly sick. All I wanted was to free myself from the dark hole I felt buried in. But where could I turn? Where could we turn?

For our first anniversary, our parents gave us a gift that helped set us on the right track. We were very good at putting on a happy front so I don’t know if they were aware of how desperate our situation was. But we will always be grateful for their gift of a weekend at a FamilyLife marriage conference in Vancouver, BC, Canada.

That conference changed our marriage and our lives. We learned the importance of putting God in the center of our marriage, the fine art of communication, and how to invite greater intimacy into our marriage. We took walks on our breaks, talked non-stop over our meals, went to lunch with a lovely speaker couple, and worked on marriage-altering projects.

We came back from that weekend changed. Things weren’t perfect, but we had the tools to restore our marriage, deepen our friendship, and navigate future obstacles.

It’s been almost seventeen years since that first conference, and I can still say that it was the turning point in our marriage. We’ve had many more hurdles to overcome but because of the communication tools we learned, we’re able to jump those hurdles together.

We’ve had to work hard, but we’ve had fun times along the way, and it’s been worth every moment. For the past eleven years, we’ve faithfully gone on weekly dates, and each year we go on three weekend getaways. One of those weekends is our planning time when we talk about the past year and look ahead at our goals for the coming year. It’s also a good time to talk about potential scheduling conflicts and how to work those out ahead of time rather in the heat of the moment.

Four years ago Sherman and I were given the wonderful opportunity to come full circle and become speakers with FamilyLife Canada. As we look back on those years we realize how our difficulties became the teaching tools we use today.  It’s incredibly rewarding to build into the lives of other couples who may be in a similar place to where we were. God truly does have a plan and I’m so thankful we didn’t give up.

Bio – Married in 1995, Sherman and Sarah are the parents of two teenagers, one of whom they home-school. Sherman is a web marketing strategist, consulting business owners on their web properties. His measure of success, however, is the love and respect of his family. Sarah is an actor and director in theatre and is currently working on her career in film. Together they love to mentor young couples through the marriage maze.

Take the next step:
Going through tough moments in marriage
Has your trust been broken?
Are you struggling in your marriage? Talk to a mentor

Return to Healing for the Brokenhearted Index Page

Take the next step:
Going through tough moments in marriage
Has your trust been broken?
Are you struggling in your marriage? Talk to a mentor

Return to Healing for the Brokenhearted Index Page

Take the next step:
Going through tough moments in marriage
Has your trust been broken?
Are you struggling in your marriage? Talk to a mentor

Return to Healing for the Brokenhearted Index Page

1. Coping with Unfaithfulness
2. Supporting the Brokenhearted
3. Re-building Trust
4. Picking up the Pieces
5. Allowing Time to Heal
6. Taking Responsibility
7. Supportive Friends
8. Building a Support Network
9. Making Decisions
10. Finding Hope and Healing
11. Couples in Crisis

Next: Listening with Desire

Take the next step:
Is your marriage in a rut?
Tools for your marriage
More tips on communicating with your spouse

Return to Communication in Marriage Index Page

Take the next step:
Is your marriage in a rut?
Tools for your marriage
More tips on communicating with your spouse

Return to Communication in Marriage Index Page