How are the two of you doing?

The first thing you need to know is this: a baby won’t fix your marriage struggles. If you feel this is a good way to help your relationship then you are totally wrong. A baby complicates issues. You don’t have to have a perfect marriage, just don’t decide to have a baby as a cure.

Are you physically ready?

Schedule a checkup with your doctor for each of you and tell him/her what you are planning. You can get great advice on vitamins, supplements and discover any problems that need to be dealt with.  Just a heads up, especially for the guys: your sex life will change when baby arrives. You need to be prepared to take a back seat with your needs. Each woman is different but be ready for change.

Are you financially ready?

See a Financial Planner. You don’t need money to talk with a planner and most are free. Tell them your plans and ask for their advice. Ask about Disability Insurance and Life Insurance. Get a second opinion if you want. Start putting aside money right now for the baby’s needs. Talk with friends discretely about what you will need to purchase just to start out. Also make sure you have a current will. Check to see what policies your employer has for Leave of Absence, child care and any other benefits they may offer.

Take a Trip!

It’s great to celebrate your decision as a couple by taking a trip. Make sure you aren’t spending all your “baby” money but have fun!  This could be your last, “just the two of us” trip for some time, so make the most of it.

Waiting for the perfect situation?

Circumstances are never perfect.  For some couples waiting until they can “afford” a baby will launch them well past the age of fertility.  So keep this list in mind but don’t wait for life to be perfect, jump in!  Keep in mind that you afford what is important, both in time and in finances. Your children will be important.  You won’t have all the answers and life won’t be perfect, but you can do it!

So now that you have taken care of those details, end the birth control, learn your cycle and let the “trying” begin!

Take the next step:

Making the transition to motherhood
Choosing a name for baby
Video: And baby makes three
Tips for new Moms 

We heard shrill shouts and the dull thud of coconuts hitting the wall.

Outside, thick snowflakes floated in the silent Christmas sky. “Peace on earth,” the angels had sung 2,000 years ago. But I didn’t believe them, lying there terrified, my head buried in a pillow.

Earlier that night, we had gone to church. My family knelt in silence, as if peace were almost possible. From the life-size manger scene, a porcelain baby Jesus beamed a serene, painted smile. But my mother’s breath told me liquor already coursed through her veins. Baby Jesus’ saintly smile wouldn’t have stopped any of what took place that night. He was just a lifeless doll in his wooden manger.

And so it went, one dreadful Christmas after another. We had all the trappings in place: the toys, the turkey, the tree. But without fail, a few drinks too many fuelled the family feuds and ruined our Christmas.
Eventually, I moved far away from home, got married and had a daughter. Every year, I vowed we would have a simple celebration, the perfect holiday I never had as a child.

But even though liquor and violence no longer marred my Christmases, the seasonal bustle still disturbed the peace. On December 24, I found myself running from mall to mall, buying gifts people did not need, my frenzy hardly lulled by the Christmas carols seeping from the PA system. In January, I would still be scribbling greeting cards – purchased at a post-holiday sale – for those dear, distant friends and relatives.

“Oh, Not again!” I moaned whenever Christmas rolled around. So last year, I was delighted to discover I was going to have a baby in December. Here was the excuse to skip Christmas and dispense with the gifts, cards, and other seasonal exertions.

According to plan, my son Gabriel was born on December 13. But instead of warding off Christmas, as I had hoped, my little boy took me to the very heart of it.

It happened on Christmas Eve, when my family went to see the children’s musical put on by our church.
In the darkness, Gabriel on my lap, I watched the familiar story unfold. “No room,” the Bethlehem innkeeper told Mary and Joseph. The weary travellers found refuge in a stable, just in time for Mary to give birth to a boy – the Son of God.

Singing with exuberance, the children on stage bopped around Mary, who was cuddling a swaddled plastic doll. “I should have let her borrow my baby,” I thought idly. And then, it dawned on me. Mary’s son Jesus had been a baby boy just like the little guy in my arms.

Suddenly, baby Jesus came to life for me. Gone was the plastic doll. Gone were the porcelain Jesuses of my childhood. He was no longer a well-painted figure with a shining halo, a peach complexion and a maddening smile, but a real baby – soft, tiny, with a hazy gaze and wrinkled skin. A baby who needed to be nursed, diapered, rocked and kissed.

What an amazing thing! God had become human. He left the magnificence of heaven for a makeshift bed in a stable full of hay and manure. He made himself vulnerable so that all people would know God was not too great or too remote to be touched by human love.

As the play ended, I understood Christmas as an invitation from the baby Jesus to love Him from the depth of my flawed human heart, just like I loved my Gabriel.

The audience applauded and the lights came back on. People slowly left, but before I joined them, I gave Gabriel a happy hug.

My little guy with the angel’s name. He helped me grasp the essence of Christmas and understand that the baby in the manger was real. That night, the peace I had always longed for filled my heart.

Take a look at your life.  How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times.  There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget.  In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new.  What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Living with hope

If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.

Story from A Christmas Digest, © 1998, reprinted with permission

Hey,” I’d say, trying to remember where I was, “It’s December 4^th. Christmas is in twenty more sleeps.”

In those days, December was bright with Christmas programs and sugar cookies and wrapping paper. And, though our children are older now, they still love the traditions we began all those years ago. For them, Christmas ain’t Christmas without the eating of Mandarin oranges and Christmas porridge—a thick cinnamon mixture—courtesy of our Norwegian ancestors. Mom sets the table, and the kids set an extra plate for Jesus. “We should light 2000 candles for Him,” Rachael once said. But we settle for one. After breakfast we gather impatiently in the living room as I read the Christmas story from the Gospel of Luke. Then we open an array of gifts, small by today’s standards.

As a boy I began looking forward to Christmas vacation in early September, about the time Mr. Kowalski started handing out those Math assignments. By the time December arrived, my parents were whispering more than usual and I was wondering what magical things they had in store. There was little in the way of extra money, so one of those magical traditions was the making of colourful candles we would sell door to door, hoping to earn enough to buy gifts. Not all of the traditions were welcome. Sometimes my parents enjoyed travelling to visit relatives and friends. They had a highly sophisticated method of choosing whom we would visit, which involved the laying of a map of Canada on the floor and the tossing of relatives’ pictures in the air. Whoever had their picture land closest to their hometown would receive a complimentary weekend visit from the Callaways. Sometimes we’d end up in Carstairs, Alberta, and sometimes in Loon Lake, Saskatchewan. As I recall, my father never used a map, he went on faith. I always felt like the Wise Men must have felt, heading off on those trips.

Dad’s personal goal was to drive at least 500 miles without stopping at any restrooms. Every few hours, we’d tell him that we had “to go,” but he would respond, “Eh? You say something? I can’t hear you past these earmuffs.” Every once in awhile Mom would offer to drive on the slippery roads, knowing that Dad would not let her unless he went blind in both eyes or suffered a level three heart attack. On these trips, my sister and I sat in the back seat pinching and poking each other, and to this day, when I think of Christmas miracles, I think of the fact that my parents did not lock us both in the trunk and abandon the car.

Apart from these short forays, I loved Christmas vacation. Though my parents had no manuals on creating great vacations, they seemed intuitively to know how. For one thing, they invested in others. Our turkey was surrounded not only by ravenous relatives, but by famished friends. Mom and Dad were always on the prowl for lonely looks in the church foyer, or neighbors who had no family within driving distance. To my parents, relationships were more important than a perfect meal or a tidy house. From the time our children were small we have done simple things to teach them to help others. This has included buying small bags of groceries for needy families. In fact, it has turned into a family adventure. We leave the groceries on someone’s doorstep, bang on the door and run. In eighteen years, we have never been caught. Unless our neighbors are reading this.

My parents also unplugged the TV. Oh sure, we had some great times together watching classic movies, but as much as possible we were encouraged to be outside in that pre-Nintendo era. Mom and Dad were often there with us, throwing snowballs or building forts. With no television we learned to ice skate and carol sing and come up with our own entertainment. Perhaps that’s why my brother offered me a shiny nickel one icy Christmas Eve. All I had to do was lick a metal doorknob (yes, I obliged).

Perhaps, best of all, we were taught to remember that it is not our birthday we celebrate at Christmas. Once while I was drooling my way through the toy section of the Sears catalog, my Mother put her arm about my shoulder and kindly reminded me that the gifts would be a little meager this year. Sensing my disappointment, she asked if I thought Jesus got much for His birthday. I had to think about it, but I said He got gold, frankincense, and myrrh, which I thought might have been a plastic toy of some sort or maybe a casserole. “I think we can afford that much,” she laughed. I’ve forgotten most of the presents she bought me, but I remember the gift of her laughter.

At times I miss being pounced on by small children. Since our teens are in their prime sleeping years now, we’ve talked about what to do this Christmas. Perhaps we’ll switch the opening of the gifts to Christmas Eve. Then again, maybe not. Last year I bought each of them a loud alarm clock. On Christmas Eve I’ll sneak into their rooms and set them for 4 a.m.

Take the next step:

Start a new Christmas tradition
Read the Christmas story from the book of Luke

In our family December 1^st is one of the most sacred days of the year.

It happens almost the same way each year.  I untangle the outdoor Christmas lights which mysteriously get entwined no matter how carefully I lay them in their tote. (I have long believed that sometime during the year these cords awake from their slumber and play several games of Twister until they are so entangled they can’t move).  Once the Christmas lights are in place with the star at the center, I move indoors to assemble the tree.

Traditions are vital to families

Yes it is fake but hey, this is our tradition and we like it.  I discovered I could disassemble it with the lights still on it, place it in its box and presto next year save time and some frustration.  Then the girls, and now my son-in-law, set out to decorate the tree, amid comments like, “Remember when I made this one? No you didn’t I painted that. Look at the bottom, I have my name on it” or “Do we still want to put these on the tree?” My dear wife is in the kitchen adding her perfect touch to this day. The smells of corn chowder and fresh buns waft (always wanted to use that word) through the house.

Dr. Bill Doherty, Professor in the Department of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota described the importance of traditions saying:

There are so many ways for families to move apart and not connect that if you just go with the flow the flow is going to do disperse you. . . . The biggest reason that it’s important to have some family rituals and traditions is to be able to make sure you have an opportunity to connect on a regular basis.

Family traditions are an anchor in busy times, something to look back and something to look forward to.

As we sit down for our meal and look at the tree lit up in our dark front room, we feel a connectedness that good traditions bring to a family.  Traditions don’t just happen, they take effort which is why we keep December 1^st sacred.  It comes first before school, work, meetings or appointments.   We have the whole year to make sure our schedules are clear that day so we are all free to spend the day together.

Over the years our traditions have evolved and as our family continues to grow they will change and flex.  What makes a great tradition? When with fondness and a touch of nostalgia a family member says “We always…” Traditions are sacred to us and we always look forward to starting our celebration of Jesus birth with our sacred day December 1.

Take the next step:

10 great Christmas traditions
Read the stories behind Christmas carols
Missing your own family? Come talk to a mentor

These changes really won’t happen overnight, so don’t take the book’s title as a guarantee. If your child is mouthy, moody, and mean, it will take persistence and radical change on your part to nudge him or her out of the corner your child is in. That persistence takes a while. But nevertheless, I truly believe that everything Leman says is right on. I don’t think there’s anything I disagreed with.

Asking the right questions

In the beginning of the book, he says that when it comes to raising teens the main question is not “why do kids start drinking or smoking or doing drugs or sleeping around?” It’s “why do so many teenagers choose not to drink, not to do drugs, not to sleep around, and not to stay out later than their agreed-upon curfew?” Figure that out, and you’ve figured out the secret to raising teens.

His first big point is that people behave a certain way because they think it will get them something. In other words, people are purposive: they do things a certain way because it meets a need. So if your child is mouthy, disrespectful, or dangerous, understand that they are doing that because it is getting them some reward. When your child acts disrespectfully towards you, ask yourself this: what is my child gaining by this? If your son is always ordering you around, asking you “where are my gym shorts?”, and you’re tired of him being so lazy, ask yourself this: what does he gain by it? If you immediately go and locate his gym shorts for him, you’re reinforcing his behavior. You’re the cause.

As Leman says, “if it didn’t work, he wouldn’t be using [that approach].” Get that concept, and you’re a long way to being a better parent.

Happiness is not the goal

The next concept that really stood out to me, and one that I am guilty of forgetting, is that an unhappy teenager is a healthy teenager.

None of us is happy 24/7, and so why should we expect our teenager to be? Going through obstacles is part of life. Let them learn that. Your job is not to make your child happy; it is to stand beside them and support them and point them to God when things don’t go right.

But perhaps you’re not a permissive parent, bending over yourself to make your child’s life go well. Maybe you’re the opposite end of the spectrum, expecting your child to do your every bidding. To you, Leman says:

“The point of being a parent is not to control your children; rather, it’s to encourage and partner with them, seeing the long view and the big picture.”

And what is that big picture? It’s that once kids are teens, we should be less involved in disciplining them and more in discipling them. We should be pointing them to consequences and teaching them to see what life is really like, so that they can choose to grow closer to God.

Teaching responsibility vs rule following

Many people may blanch a bit at some of Leman’s theories. For instance, he’s not a big one on curfews. He doesn’t set a curfew; instead, he tells his kids: “be home at a reasonable hour”, because by this time he believes that they will do what is reasonable (and if they don’t, they don’t get the car next time). But that only works if you’ve been discipling them and teaching them to be respectful for quite a while. It won’t work in five days.

One great area of relief that I felt when I read his book was about computer time. I have always said that kids should not have computers in their rooms, and yet for the last year my children have done just that. Because we homeschool and they take online courses, they work at their desks. That means they have access to Facebook. But my oldest also has a cell phone, and so she has access to texts and Facebook there, too. Am I a bad mother?

No, says Leman. Technology is everywhere these days. What you need to do instead is teach balance and help your children make good choices. If your child can’t be trusted on Facebook by themselves, don’t let them on. But if they’re trustworthy, it’s okay. I know my kids are trustworthy (though I still monitor them). The hard part about homeschooling is that they don’t always do their work at specific times. Sometimes I come in and find my oldest daughter texting at different times during the day. I used to get mad at her, but I’ve decided that’s the wrong approach. She’ll be out on her own in less than two years, and she’ll have to learn how to discipline herself.

So instead what we’ve done is set up a school schedule, where she has to get certain assignments done by a certain date. If they’re not done, she has to work well into the night to finish. That way the responsibility is in her hands. If she texts all day, she’ll have to work at night. But she can get them done during the day if she tries hard enough and I’m not hounding her all the time. I’m not setting up unnecessary rules. I’m just teaching her to be responsible on her own.

My children are very responsible, and so I would trust them in a variety of situations that I may warn others against. The key is just what foundation your children have. Build a foundation of love, acceptance, trust, and firm expectations on your kids, and they will tend to go in the right direction. Build a foundation where kids don’t have responsibility, and they will tend to exhibit irresponsibility.

Have a New Teenager by Friday is a refreshing book, and for parents who are at a loss as to how to respond to eye rolling, talking back, sibling fights, or failing grades, the second half of the book with specific advice on specific things is incredibly useful. For the rest of us, it’s a good reminder to build the foundation right, and keep the end in mind. We’re in the business of raising responsible, godly adults. So let’s get to it!

Take the next step: 

Why do teens swear?
Keeping young drivers safe
Teens can take a lesson: How to get along with your parents

Among the early words you teach your tot are “thank you.”

• Live the lesson
  It has been said that we’re always teaching . . . sometimes we use words. Remember to say “thank you” to others, but more importantly live a life of appreciation. Your children are watching their first and most influential teacher!

• Notice nature
  Encourage your child to appreciate the inspiration that surrounds him. Marvel at the power of the wind, the immensity of the ocean, the perfection of a snowflake, the night sky, or the rugged beauty of a mountain range. I’ve reminded my girls of the saying of Goeth, “Nature is the living, visible garment of God.”

• Convert attitude into action
  A small gesture, such as a smile, can lighten the day of the waitress who hands your child a glass of milk or a hug for the teacher is always welcome. When a child empties the dishwasher it is an action of appreciation for home and food. Thankfulness is also expressed through homemade cards and drawings. To appreciate their classroom teachers, my girls and I always made little gifts for them at the holidays.

• Discover dictionary descriptions
  Although we have our own terms to explain thankfulness it helps to see new definitions. Go to the library and see what a variety of dictionaries say about the word. I like what The Webster’s Dictionary says, “Impressed with a sense of kindness received” because it takes the focus off a material possession and puts it on an attitude.

• Gather great quotes
  In researching for this article I found websites that offer all types of quotes. A humorous one about thanks comes from Woody Allen, “I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

• Contrast your family with folks less fortunate
  Help your child see that there are those in your community who aren’t as blessed: families without homes, people who are sad and living alone, or those who must go to food kitchens to eat. When my daughters were young, one of our family traditions was to serve a meal to the homeless. My husband, two daughters, and I spent one evening at a rescue mission every Autumn. After seeing the faces of those accepting a plate of food and their expressions of thanks my daughters quickly appreciated going back home to their safe, cozy bedrooms.

• Make a medley of thankfulness
  Grab a pile of old magazines. Encourage your child to look through the pages and cut out pictures of things they are thankful for. Glue these on one page, overlapping pictures. Soon your child will have a visual reminder of the blessings in his life.

• Pen a poem of thankfulness
  Together with your child, try to write words that rhyme with thanks, gratitude or thankful. This can be a fun, language learning time also.

• Practice gratitude permanently
  Showing thanks and appreciation need not end with this time of year. I believe letter writing is becoming a lost art. Help your child write thank you notes for their Christmas gifts. Preschoolers can dictate to you their gratitude or express thanks by drawing a picture of their appreciation for their gift-giver. Find opportunities during this upcoming year to reinforce your lesson. For more ideas on teaching children about good manners and attitudes visit Manners of the Heart.

As a parent, I hope my children learn to be thankful by the way I live my life before them. After all, as William Bennett said in his book, The Moral Compass, “Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that thankfulness is indeed a virtue.”

© 2002 Brenda Nixon

Take the next step:

Practicing gratitude: We really do need to practice!
6 Ways to develop gratitude

 When my children were young I had a little saying that I kept myself mindful of, “Stop, look, and listen, when my children talk to me.”  By practicing this I was able to get a clear understanding of what their need was, as well as leaving them with the sense that they were heard and valued.  The result was better communication, a more peaceful household, and less frustration.

Life is busy, and we very often try to accomplish as many things as we can at one time, challenging our ability to truly focus and do things well. Our prayer and study life can also fall victim to this busyness as we settle for praying on the run, and trying to assimilate the word through listening to teaching while accomplishing other tasks.  Although these are great additions, they do not impact us the same way as those moments that we sit at Jesus feet, leaving everything else to the side, and give Him our full attention.  It was in this quite place of giving Jesus all of her attention that Mary heard the word. Jesus referred to those who “Hear the word” as being the good ground that will bear fruit. 

 May we be more mindful to take the time to sit at Jesus feet and “Stop, Look, and Listen” to hear what He wants to say to us.  We will have a clearer sense of His will and experience more peace.

But these are the ones sown on good ground, those who hear the word, accept it, and bear fruit.” Mark 4:20