From a distance, “disabled” always seemed like an innocuous word

I remember thinking “she’s not disabled she just can’t hear!” I was angry that someone would label her that way.  And then I saw the fallacy in my words.  He’s not disabled, he just can’t walk, she just can’t speak, his brain just hasn’t developed. . . How quickly my thinking changed.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this

I remember so clearly the day we learned that my niece Corrina is deaf.  To be precise, I remember the following morning.  I was in church and as the congregation began to sing I realized that music would not be a part of Corrina’s world.  Tears ran down my cheeks, silent and unstoppable.  It was so brutally unfair.

Our family is fairly musical.  My entire childhood ran to a soundtrack of my Dad playing piano in the dining room.  We always sang in the car on road trips, we’re champion whistlers.  To this day my older brother will phone from the other side of the world to sing to me on my birthday.  The idea that Corrina would be outside of that, cut off from it, just broke my heart.  I kept thinking, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

I am one of them now.

Someone in my family is different. She has special needs and it has changed the way I see things.  Corrina’s parents choose to pursue cochlear implants for her. The implants are an amazing, though controversial, technology that doesn’t restore hearing, but does give the brain an alternate way to process sound.  With surgery and years of therapy Corrina has learned to hear, to speak and even to sing.  She has come so far.

But she is still deaf.  Anytime she has to take her processors off – at night, in the bath, at the pool, going down plastic slides – she is returned to her silent world. The processors are very visible, and always will be.  Corrina will live her life immediately identified as someone who is different.

It’s so interesting watching adults and children react around Corrina.  Adults will often look away.  They won’t mention it or they might ask if she has hearing aids.  Children are much more direct.  Once in a park a little boy came up to my sister in law and asked “Why does she have those things on her head?”  When Janie told him that they were there to help Corrina hear his face lit up.  “Like a robot?” he asked, delighted. He asked if they hurt and Janie assured him that they did not and then the little boy went back to playing with Corrina.

Once again I am reminded of how much we can learn from children.  Some adults would scoff at the boy’s direct question, but it was honest and not mean spirited.  Something was different and he wanted to understand.  I know Janie would much rather explain Corrina’s situation that have her be ignored or have the other children look away.

I don’t think of Corrina as disabled or broken, she’s just deaf. She’s also tall, red haired, quick to laugh and eager to help.  Her deafness is a part of who she is but it does not define her.  I’m sure that the same can be said of anyone who faces a physical challenge.

We hope and pray that our children will be born whole and healthy and many are, but not all.    It seems only fair that a child be given a body that works, a fresh start to begin with.  I wish I could tell you why some children have health issues, why some never leave the hospital, why others are taken so soon.  I do not have an answer to that.
I’m sure there are schools of thought on whether or not “disabled” is a nice word.  For me, it’s one that I avoid.  It may seem like semantics but I think it’s more than that. People are people first.  What we do, what are skills and limitations are, are an afterthought.  They do not define our hearts.   I know this: Corrina is not broken or damaged.  She’s deaf.   And she’s wonderful.

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The other day I was watching a three year old playing a game designed to encourage “co-operation” amongst the players.  The basic idea was that you had to roll the die and then, according to whatever colour came up on the die, you could help yourself or help another player take imaginary vegetables out of the vegetable garden on the game board.

It sounded like a great idea.  The notice on the box lid said that the game was for children as young as three. The game rules extolled the virtues of teaching children “non-competitive” play from an early age and assured us that kids would find that it was great to learn to help others accomplish a task.

Evidently, three year olds cannot read.

The little girl soon dissolved in a puddle of tears of frustration. Although the rules of the game were patiently explained to her more than once in a way that she could understand, she had no interest in playing the game according to the rules.  She wanted to do it her own way.  Her own way bore little resemblance to the original game and certainly did not involve
co-operative efforts.

In the end, she could not play the game at all because no one else could figure out how the prechooler was playing the game:  she changed the rules and the objectives of the game every five minutes to suit herself.  What is more, no one was inclined to stick around and play the game with her. Having to endure the howls of protestation or the game board pieces being hurled around the room in frustration was not much fun for anyone. Instead of blissful co-operation, the little girl found herself in a state of unhappy alienation.

Oh my.  The three year old girl is my daughter.  I love her to bits.  It is sometimes intensely funny and sometimes excruciatingly painful to watch her in her encounters with the real world.

Like the thing about throwing the die.  She hasn’t quite got it figured out yet that when you throw the die, you don’t really know how it is going to end up. That is the fun of a game of chance.  But for my daughter at this stage, it is crucial that she control the outcome of the throw of the dice. It’s quite funny to watch her hunched up over the little die, trying to drop it in just such a way that it will turn up the colour that she wants.  She glances around with a guilty look to see if anyone will contest her improper actions.  She “throws” the die again and again to get the right result, so incapable is she of securing the desired outcome even through cheating.

My daughter understands enough about the laws of physics to know that a die, cast a certain way, only has a certain probability of an intended result. She understands enough about moral laws to know that she is doing something wrong by trying to control the die and alter the course of the game for her own benefit.

What she does not understand yet is the benefit of playing according to the rules.  Her definition of happiness is based on being free from rules.

My daughter is a lot like me in many ways.  She has the same wispy-curl baby-fine hair as I do.  Her hair is wonderfully cute and curly at certain moments, but maddeningly unmanageable most of the time.  Our baby pictures look alike.  She has my dimples, my allergies, my attention to coherence and detail (Woe is me if we don’t find socks and a hat that are colour co-ordinated to match her outfit of the day.)

She is also like me in her expression of a nonconformist tendency.  But in this, she is merely showing forth the genetic predisposition of pretty much the entire human race.  No one likes to obey rules and always do what they are told is best for them.   We all think we have a better way of running our own show. It is just that when you are three, you have fewer layers of social and intellectual sophistication to cover up that fundamental attitude of rebellion and stubborn self-centredness.  My child is simply a little more exposed in her internal problems than the rest of us are as adults.

All that being said, I love my little girl to distraction.  I wish I could make things easier for her. I wish I could help her to realize that insisting on her own way is ultimately harmful to her.  She will be free to enjoy the game and the company of others in the game only when she learns to submit to the rules that have been laid out.

Yes, it is sometimes comical to watch her gyrations and whimsical idiosyncrasies, but more often than not it causes pain to my parent’s heart. I wish I could do something to spare her the misery of her self-inflicted tears.  It is hard to learn about some of life’s inflexible realities.  It is hard to grow up. I try to comfort her and to provide some perspective and
stability amidst her whirling words of frustration.  More often than not she just cries harder and insists more insistently on her own self-defeating behaviour.  Oh dear.  Growing up is hard. But being a parent is harder.

I am reminded of what God says about me and about my fundamental internal nature: he calls me a silly sheep who always wants to wander off and put myself in peril. One of God’s favourite spokesmen in the New Testament, Paul, also talked about the paradox of freedom. The only way one can find true freedom is through realizing that one has become a bond slave of the one good master, Jesus. I am also reminded that God talks about himself as a father who loves his child intensely. God is depicted as taking a toddler’s hands and leading his first faltering steps as he learns to walk only later to be hurt by the child’s angry rejection and defiance.

God, with his father’s heart, woos me to willingly lay down my insistence on my faulty concept of freedom.  I will only be truly free when I am in right relationship with him. That relationship involves a chosen submission and obedience on my part and a loving leadership on his part.  God invites me to participate in this daily dance of love.  I entered into it for the first time many years ago when I first trusted in Jesus.  I found much freedom and release in the movement of the dance.  Each day I must choose again to lay down my claims to my own version of things if I am to experience the freedom of the cooperative movement of the dance for that day.

God beckons me to come and join in the fun of the game!

Parenting teens is MORE – more fun and more frustration

I want to be clear that having teens is so much fun! No one told me!  They were too busy moaning about all the frustrations and “Just wait until..” predictions.  Having arrived as a parent of teens I am amazed at how fun they are and the delight they bring to our home.  They engage in real conversation about their views on life. Their sense of humor is wonderful and I am starting to see some parenting payoffs.  This time in life is a wonderful rewarding part of parenting.  But then . . . they Change!

The very next day, (or minute) I have a stranger, who looks exactly like my child, in my home. They just don’t act like themselves.  What happened?  My wonderful conversationalist can only remember three words, “I don’t know”, or they grunt in monotone and totally forget all vocabulary.  My previous high honors student is now headed toward mandatory summer school (as we hold our collective breath and wait for exam grades).

My middle school student cannot remember where anything is or when anything is due.   Two more words are added to the now limited vocabulary, “I forgot”.  Is this progress?  I think not.
As a parent I wonder if I am getting through and I feel like a resounding gong:

What about your homework?!
NO, You cannot ____ until your chores are done.
Treat others like you want to be treated, yes that includes your brother.
Your siblings are your best friends for life

And so on and so forth.  My vocabulary has now become limited.  As parents, how do we navigate this arena called adolescence? It feels like a boxing ring sometimes.  I must admit I don’t win every round, sometimes it feels like I have been knocked out and I don’t know which way is up.  Here are some helps I have discovered.

Pray a lot. Going to God who knows and loves our kids better than we do can make a huge difference.  Often, it changes my heart and calms me more than changing my teen’s behavior.  Choose a certain activity and use it as prayer time for your teen, whether it’s walking the dog or driving to work, etc.

Talk to other parents.  You are not alone and talking with others to renew your sense or normalcy is SO helpful.  Also, hearing how they handle similar situations is valuable. Include laughter therapy as you discuss your kids. You need both peers, who are parenting today, and older parents who can give you hope from the other side.  Be careful to guard your child’s privacy and don’t tell all to everyone who will listen, choose wisely.

Listen to the experts and do as they suggest, even though it is REALLY hard.  You can gain expert help from books, radio, podcasts, church, or community groups.  In listening to the experts make sure you agree with their philosophy.  My favorites are Jim Burns with Home Word and Dr. Dobson with Focus on the Family.  They are both authors and radio hosts, with podcast downloads.  Listening to them will introduce you to many other experts as well.

Finally, take a deep breath and look for perspective. For me, that means looking at what my long term parenting goals are. My mission with raising our kids is to raise independent, responsible members of society who love Jesus and love others, and make their decisions accordingly.  With that as my starting point, I can then focus more on the character qualities becoming evident in adolescence.

• Their heart in helping Haiti relief with their own money
• The act of finding money on the street and turning it in at the school office
• The joyful way they interact with our special needs friend, Mason, whom we do respite care for.

These are far better lifetime character qualities than grades or conversational skills.  Find something positive about your teen and refocus your perspective, it really does help.

Upcoming online chats: Join us for daily online chats! One of our features will be “If death is not the end” on February 28 at 12:15 pm EST. Please join us to discuss the important topic of life & death!

“He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God – children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God” (John 1:10-13)

Many people have negative memories of their childhood (or present) relationships with their parents, particularly their fathers. So when the Bible speaks of God as our Father, we may cringe at the language, recalling our earlier hurts or present pains. It may be difficult to think of God as “Father,” even though the Bible is clear that all who “believe in His name” become “children of God” (John 1:12). We should take care that our view of God is not colored by our experiences with other people. God Himself, the good, loving, caring and faithful Father, is the standard of measure, not the other way around.

But what does it really mean to be a “child of God?” We are not sons and daughters of God in the same sense that Jesus is Son, for Jesus is “God’s one and only Son” (John 3:18). In the same way that there are many fathers in the world but only one Father in heaven, God has many sons and daughters in the world, but only one begotten Son, Jesus.

However, the metaphor of being children can help us understand our new relationship with God that occurs when we are “born again” (John 3:3).

We do not become God’s children by our own deeds, because “in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith“ (Galatians 3:26), just like we are not physically born by our own effort.

Therefore, what should our response be when, by God’s grace, we become His children? We are told to “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children” (Ephesians 5:1). In fact, we know that “The one who won’t practice righteous ways isn’t from God, nor is the one who won’t love brother or sister” (1 John 3:10, The Message). This is not a rigid requirement of a strict and unyielding usurper, but rather indicates the willing response of someone who has been reborn and considered a true legitimate child of our gracious and loving God.

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” (1 John 3:1)

Question: Do barriers stand between you and your Father in heaven? How can we overcome our pasts in the knowledge and presence of our Savior?

About this Author: Darren Hewer

In the middle of this stage of my life I learned about the 30 second rule from a parenting talk show on the radio. It’s been a while since I was 26, and quite seriously, the fact that I can remember anything from that stage of life is nothing less than miraculous (remember … I was pregnant then), so I may not explain the principle exactly as it was taught, but here it is:

When a child is fussing at your feet, or acting out unreasonably, drop to one knee and look the child straight in the eyes and listen to his complaint.  Chances are, after 30 seconds the child will be satisfied that he has been heard, and he will go back to his activities.

So, I tried it. I had a child hovering by my side, whining in that indiscernible language, at that unbearable pitch.  I was in the kitchen when I remembered the 30-second challenge.  I took a deep breath and dropped to one knee, which is much harder than it sounds … remember, I was pregnant.

It is a significant maneuver for an eight-month pregnant woman to shuffle down to the floor.  And that is if she can even see the floor. Transferring the weight of my encumbered body I eased myself down hoping that the spot where I landed was void of Lego!

Squatting awkwardly, so I could actually look my daughter in the eye, I was greeted with a look of complete shock.  At first I thought it was the magnitude of the action, or just the magnitude of me in front of her that caught her off guard, but then I realized it was my interest that surprised her. Clearly this child was not used to having the attention of my full face (and trust me … it was a full face at that stage of pregnancy!).

Sheepishly, I realized my kids mostly speak to my back, or, more in-line with their level of sight … my butt. Without digressing to fat bottom jokes, I do have to point out–who would want to talk to that?  I conceded that I rarely gave my children my full attention. I multi-tasked their questions and needs. My little girl was literally speechless when I dropped to her level, looked into her eyes, and gave her my undivided attention. “What do you want to say to Mommy?” I asked.  It took her a few moments to collect her thoughts, but with a clear voice and expressive eyes, she stated her concern.  And I listened.  She didn’t need me to solve anything; she just wanted to be heard.

Forgive me, but throughout this whole exchange with my daughter I was counting seconds.  I was willing to try the 30 second challenge, but I could only be a beached whale, down on one knee for a designated time, especially when I realized there was no crisis to be solved.  So, you can imagine my surprise when I had not even yet counted to 10, when my daughter gave me a smile, turned on her heels and headed back to her play time.  “That was it?” was my first thought as I started the difficult tactical exercise of ascending to a standing position.  (At least heading down to the floor was aided by gravity!)

In the following years, I have been continually surprised.  Truly, 30 seconds is an exaggerated time allotment!  I didn’t always practice it–I did learn the art of “tuning out”. But when we look our kids in the eyes and give them our full attention, it doesn’t take very long to convey that they are important. In the toddler years, this 30 second challenge became the end-point of most of the whining.

These days, I have to look up to catch the eyes of  my kids, but I still do it.  I desperately want to be a mom that gives them my full face.  When there are things that require discussion, we can broach the subjects head on … because we’ve been facing them throughout their lives.

So, take the challenge. Today, drop to one knee, look your little one in the eye and listen…and count if you need to.  30 seconds will likely be more than enough time.

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Take action: The holidays are coming. This year, don’t let yourself be overcome by stress! Try our interactive online study Dealing with Anxiety.

You said it: This week, Karen commented on the article Scared to Have People Over?, saying I think its easy to think that getting together with people means we have to have people at our homes and that it needs to be perfect. It’s great if you do what you can even if meeting in a restaurant. There are definitely seasons in our lives where we need to be flexible.” Read the article and add your own thoughts: Read more

Blog: Toilet Paper and Technology I was making my morning latte when the telephone rang … it was our daughter, calling from the downstairs bathroom! How can parents properly help their kids manage their use of communication technology? Read more

Article: Home for Christmas It was an extremely cold day and it was snowing. The wind was howling out of the north, blowing thick clouds of fine flakes across the road – it was like a blizzard. The roads were icy in places and there was little traffic. Somewhere near Ft. Wayne, Indiana, I saw a soldier standing under an overpass. Read more

Coming up next week: One of the topics of our upcoming online chats is “Healthy Habits for the Holidays” Join us in the chat room November 29th 2009 @ 9:00pm EST for this chat, and check our full chat calendar for other upcoming topics.

Join us for our Daily Devotional Chat today in our Women’s Chatroom at 10:30 am EDT.

“Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ” (Ephesians 1:5, The Message)

When he arrived in his new home in North America, he weighed far less than the average two-year-old. Lack of nutritional food had not only affected his weight, but from head to toe his skin was covered with scabs and lesions. His undeveloped core muscles caused frequent falls, even from a sitting position. He allowed his more active older sister to take the often aggressive lead in physical play.

But with wise parenting and skilled medical and psychological care, a mere four months later this little boy had clear skin and a full head of shining black hair. He ran and played with only the occasional tumble, was learning basic sign language as well as English.  He devoured every morsel put on his plate. While he still has scars from his sad past, daily he is learning to be a participant in his new future.

This process is similar to what happens to a person who is adopted into God’s family. Influences, people, events—even abuse—from the past leave scars. But God stands ready to provide all that is necessary to transform us into “new creatures.”

We grow healthy by consistently feeding on God’s Word, the Bible. We even learn a new language: “with singing lips my mouth will praise you (Psalm 63:5). The Christian community encourages and often provides both physical and spiritual assistance that we cannot provide for ourselves. The Holy Spirit strengthens us so we can “run and not grow weary, walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31, NIV).

Parents are often amused to discover that a child has been adopted. “But he looks just like his father!” they say.  Such is the situation for those of us adopted into the family of God. As time goes on, we adopted children (for such are we all) begin to take on the characteristics of our Heavenly Father. And we can hardly wait for new brothers and sisters!

My heart is full, precious Father. You have loved me so much that you have adopted me into your family before I even realized your love. Thank you.

Questions: What feelings does the word “adoption” raise in you? Why?  Think about the word “chosen.” What is your response to God when you realize He has chosen you as his daughter or son?

About the Author Marilyn J. Ehle

Repulsive. Dirty. Cast aside. Unwanted. Abandoned.

I kept hearing God whispering in my spirit, saying : “Look.  You must look at her.”  He told me, “Look closely into her eyes until you see a reflection of Me.”

“But Lord,” I asked.  “There are so many orphans.  Does saving one really matter?

The little two-year old girl in the picture was one of 24 adoptable children at an orphanage in Liberia, Africa. Some of the children were brought to the orphanage after their mother died in childbirth. Others were brought by a desperate and impoverished mother clinging to the hope that through adoption, her child might have a chance at life. Still others were brought by neighbors after the child’s parents died of AIDS.

Orphans have no voice

The reasons why the children came into the orphanage no longer matter once they are there. In an orphanage, the labels “forgotten” “alone” “unwanted” and “cast out” are the world’s banners over them. They have nothing.  They have no home.  They have no parents.  They have no voice.

Not all orphans are adoptable. In fact, an estimated 90% of all orphans in the world will never be eligible for adoption due to the laws of their country. But this little girl in Liberia is one of the fortunate ones. Liberia allows adoptions and actually makes it very easy for families to adopt one of their orphans. Liberian adoption laws are flexible and the cost is minimal compared to other foreign nations.

These reasons were in part why my husband and I decided to adopt from that Liberia again. With our already big family of four biological children and two adopted children, we had a lot of questions.  Can we take another child? Do we have the room? Do we have the resources? How will we send all of them to college? Will we need a bigger vehicle? Can we really do this?

All of those questions melted away as I look into the eyes of the little girl  in the picture. As I stared at her picture, fighting the urge  to turn and forget her, something rose up in my spirit. It overpowered my fear. It silenced my questioning.

A familiar feeling

I’ve felt this before. I felt it the first time I saw my daughter from Haiti. I felt it the first time I held my son from Liberia.  I was so lost in this little girl’s eyes.  The world faded away as I looked at her picture and nothing mattered but saving her. Nothing mattered but replacing “forgotten” with “remembered”, “alone” with “together”, “abandoned” with “chosen”.

Matthew 25:40 says, “Whatever you have done unto one of the least of these, my brothers, you have done it to Me.” So I ask, “Does saving one orphaned child really matter in the big picture?” After all, there are 145 million orphans worldwide. Saving one doesn’t even put a dent in that statistic.

But, my God is not a God of statistics. He is personal and He is close to the poor and the orphaned. So close in fact, that He actually becomes the poor when we minister to them. Look again at Matthew 25:40. “Whatever you have done unto one…”

Yes, one does matter.

The Global Aid Network (GAiN) is one of many Christian organizations that is making a difference in caring for the world. GAiN exists to demonstrate the love of God, in word and deed, to hurting and needy people around the world, through relief and development projects.

Halloween is nearly here

Growing up in a non-Christian household, I always looked forward to Halloween. It wasn’t because of the costumes or macabre imagery often associated with it though. I looked forward mostly to one thing: Free candy! Now, however, as a Christian, I admit that it seems a bit askew to see little kids running around in witch or devil costumes.

Do you think Christians should participate in Halloween? I’m not asking whether Christians should celebrate Halloween, meaning to fully embrace all that this holiday is about. I really don’t think we should celebrate evil. Rather, should Christians have anything to do with it at all, or just choose not to bother with it?

The question may be easier if you don’t have kids. Without kids, it may be easier to ignore. But if all your kids’ friends are going trick-or-treating and they’re not allowed, they’ll want to know why. We should be careful to separate our intent from the history of the event: Can this time still be celebrated, but somehow sanctified for God?

Bob and Gretchen Passantino of Answers in Action suggest this course of action for Christian parents:

Christians should evaluate Halloween and determine an appropriate response for themselves and their own families. Christians should refrain from any participation that would compromise one’s faith or bring dishonor to the Lord Jesus Christ. A good principle is to look for ways to become a positive, Christ-honoring voice in the midst of secularism and paganism. Each Christian must be persuaded in his own conscience about how he approaches Halloween. (Source: Answers.org)

What do you think about Halloween? Do you celebrate it and allow your kids to go trick-or-treating?

Related reading:
Can God be glorified through Halloween? – Examines the origins of Halloween and suggestions about how Christians can respond.
Halloween Alternatives – Some different ways you can celebrate the season.

The Central Wisconsin parents convicted in their daughter’s death will not go to prison but will spend ten years on probation and some time in jail.

A judge sentenced Dale and Leilani Neumann Tuesday afternoon for the death of their eleven-year-old daughter Kara. She died of complications from untreated diabetes while her parents prayed over her instead of seeking medical attention as her condition worsened.

Both parents spoke to the judge at their sentencing hearing, calling Kara’s death an act of God, reading Biblical passages, and saying the only thing they’re guilty of is following their faith. “Dale and I acted with love toward our daughter to the best way we could have, in the best way we could, because we love her,” Leilani Neumann testified.

Judge Vincent Howard asked, “Did God say, ‘Well, Kara, come to me,’ or when Kara arrived did he ask, ‘Why are you here 70 years too soon?’” (Source: WBAY)

Although Mark 5:26 tells how a woman suffered at the hands of doctors, Jesus never said anyone was wrong for seeking medical attention. He seemed to have a positive view of doctors in general when he said “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.” (Matthew 9:12, et al). Luke, the author of the Gospel of Luke and the Acts of the Apostles, was himself a doctor (Colossians 4:14) So with no clear mandate against doctors, and positive examples of doctors, we should take any necessary medical precautions available, in addition to faithful prayer, so that tragedies like this are not repeated. Does it show lack of faith to visit a doctor and pray? No, because don’t forget that God in his compassion has given us many ways that we might be healed, including our own incredible immune systems and wonderful new medicines.

See our previous post, Should Christians Expect Healing? for more on this topic, or contact an online mentor if you have questions, concerns, or prayer requests.