In today’s “anything goes” culture what are the parameters for good sex between a Christian husband and wife?

God definitely has something to say on this topic.  First and most important, is the necessity that each spouse honors the other’s comfort level, respectfully. True love does not force someone to do something that causes them pain, shame or discomfort, be it physical or emotional.  If one spouse puts on the brakes, the other needs to honor that.  However, I’ve also discovered that for women who have been sexually abused or had sexual trauma in their past, their sexual comfort level can be skewed, in that ANYTHING associated with sex causes them discomfort or even disgust. For those women, healing is needed in order to see sexuality as God created it – a good and wonderful thing between husband and wife.  For more information refer to my article Healing from your Sexual Past or my book Kiss Me Again:  Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage

When it comes to knowing what is appropriate in God’s eyes, ask these three questions:

1. Is it prohibited in Scripture?
If it isn’t prohibited in Scripture, then it’s allowed. Sometimes a study of biblical terms will be necessary to answer this question. For example, the Bible does not use the word pornography, yet, is very clear that the use of pornography is prohibited in Scripture. God talks about sexual immorality and sexual impurity, including obscenity – these are all words that would describe pornography. I have talked to many Christian couples who felt that pornography within marriage is okay. However, I would argue based on my study of the Scriptures, and the damage caused by pornography, that God’s language on this topic prohibits the making, viewing and distributing of pornography.

2. Is it beneficial?
2 Corinthians 6:12 says, “Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but I will not be mastered by anything.” If your activity is not prohibited, ask God to show you if it’s causing you, your spouse or your marriage harm in any way. Often what is right for one person, could trigger painful things for someone else, and therefore, cause pain for you and your marriage. Don’t allow anything into your bedroom that becomes an obsession for one or both of you.  Don’t choose something that may demoralize, or replace the other.

3. Does it involve anyone else?
This one is really important, because in Hebrews 13:4, God implores us to honor our marriage bed and keep it pure. He gave sex as an amazing, bonding gift within marriage, between a husband and a wife. Whenever we bring anyone else into our marriage bed, even through pornography or in fantasy in our minds, we have crossed into the prohibited area according to God.

I would also caution you to be careful how much you talk about your “marital bedroom”.  What happens between a husband and wife is private and personal.  You need to trust one another that what you do with each other is not a topic of conversation with others.  The key is to honor and respect your partner in all things, which includes what we talk about with others.  There is a very fine line of what is appropriate and what is not.

God loves us so much, and because He is our Creator He knows exactly what we need, what will hurt us, and what will be good for us and help us thrive. His guidelines are not to punish us or ruin our fun, but to provide the best for us, and to protect us from incredible heartbreak, pain and damage.  So with that in mind have fun together and enjoy what God created for pleasure!

Take the next step:

How you can have better sex
Reconciling your sexual past with your marriage
Say “Yes” to more sex

It’s one thing to read all the stats about porn addiction

How do you deal with the struggle? It comes down to three things: triggers, pathways and what we will do about it. Triggers at the things that get your brain thinking about porn.  Pay attention to what happens just before you go looking for porn.  Are you bored? Tired?  Has there been a  lack of sex with your wife? (If this is the excuse to you for using porn check out what Dr. Doug Weiss says about it.

Next, look at the pathway you use to get the porn. How easy is it for you to get it? Boredom and tiredness are huge factors why men turn to porn so deal with pathways. Make it difficult to get to. Put internet filters on your computer. Do whatever it takes during the times you don’t feel the urge so that you protect yourself when you do. Go to www.xxxchurch.com or www.besafe.com for help.

Here is the crux of the whole deal: now that you have observed your triggers and pathways what will you do to change? Gary Thomas gave a challenge that made me wonder if husbands have the guts to take it on. What was his challenge?  It’s this: when you are tempted by pornography do something to build your marriage by doing a service that honors your wife.

If you are thinking, “I can do that. No problem.” you’re fooling yourself.  In fact it is a struggle greater than men want to admit.  For me I have to admit I need strength that comes from outside of me.  I make a request from Jesus.  I need his power.  Does it work?  Oh yes, I dare you to try it.

Know your triggers and pathways. Deal with them or porn will slowly smother you and your relationships. If you are looking for some books check out: When Good Men are Tempted, Everyman’s Battle, Pure Eyes and Final Freedom.

Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Watch their video: The Sex Starved Marriage.

Are you struggling with porn? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.

Related:
Are You Affected By Pornography?

Do you understand the battle for purity your husband is going through? How can you help him stay away from lusting? Did you know that your support can be the deciding factor on whether your husband succeeds or fails in his pursuit for purity?

Join Dr. Dave Currie and guest Stephen Arterburn, author of many books including the popular Every Men’s Battle, in a discussion of understanding the men’s struggle for sexual integrity. In this short clip, Mr. Arterburn and Dr. Currie share their insights and give practical tips for both the husband and wife on how to deal with and win the men’s battle for sexual purity.

Watch the video clip.

For more resources or to get the full discussion on how to better understand the men’s battle for sexual purity, visit www.MarriageUncensored.com.

A woman discovers at a very young age that wearing a mask appears to be a part of survival. They discover there is much of themselves, which others see as unacceptable. They tuck those secrets away. Some of these secrets turn cancerous and become deeply destructive. It is possible to overcome even the worst damage of the most painful secrets of your lifetime. Take this study to learn and understand how hope can help us in overcoming this pain.

Are you searching for a source of peace?  Take this study.

“He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners…” (Isaiah 61:1).

While at one of the most conservative schools in the nation, Texas A&M University, I served in the jail ministry. Every Sunday I would roll up my naive sleeves and drive downtown to lead a Women’s Bible Study.  Dressed in bright orange jumpsuits, slipper shoes, and Bible in tow these women would grace me with their presence.

One by one they would come and sit in plastic chairs that made a semi-circle in a concrete laid room with brick walls. The word that came to mind when looking at the decor was hopeless.   “Ladies, I would like to ask you to open your Bible to Isaiah 61:1. Would someone like to read it for us?”  Timidly, one woman who was fairly new to the class read the verse. Stumbling over a few of the words she finished reading.

“What does that mean to you?” I asked. Blank stares and hardened hearts seemed to fill the room, until one brave soul spoke up.  “Freedom means to me that I no longer have to live the street life–hooked on drugs, sex, and men. I can wake up with a sound mind and body knowing that I may be behind bars, but free in Jesus.”

Another woman said, “I am free from guilt of murdering someone.”   And with that transparency, I noticed a softness come over the women—one by one they began sharing with me how that Jesus is the change and freedom. Free from alcohol, lesbian relationships, pornography, and theft to name a few.   No one gasped–no one flickered a glare…not one. We knew that we were in the midst of breakthrough–where the power of God’s word intersected the lives of others to make them free.

Lady Liberty in New York could not even trump the freedom waved over this group of women this one Sunday morning.   Whether the jailhouse or the church house–Jesus wants to set you free. What areas of life do you desire freedom?

We try to convince ourselves that our areas of struggle are somehow better than the ones my ladies were experiencing. Are they really? Or just packaged more neatly? In God’s economy all of us are in need.   I glanced at the analog clock that reminded me of my childhood school days—it was time for our bible study to end. I left them with these words that are for us all–”You may be bound, but you are free.”

Questions: What areas of life do you desire freedom? How can you become free?

The stats in the interview are horrible:

• 420 million pages of pornography on the internet
• 42 million sites
• 68 million searches for porn EVERY DAY

But the one that stuck with me the most was when Dines said that the average age a boy first views pornography is now 11. As she goes on to explain, the danger for these boys is that at 11 they haven’t had any other sexual experiences, so when they see these images they become the boy’s baseline, their “normal” for what sex looks like, for what it is and what it should be.

Roberts goes on to quote a study from 2003 that found that in 56% of divorces one partner was a habitual user of pornography.  As Dines explains, “Porn is industrial strength sex.  Next to that actual sex looks boring and bland.” The fiction is so potent they become incapable of enjoying or even participating in normal, healthy, intimate relations.

As part of her research Dines has spoken to many in the porn industry and it’s their responses that really stopped me cold.  When she asked them, “Where does the industry go from here?” they responded that it feels like a runaway train.  They have no idea where things are going because the consumer demand is for darker and darker material.

The easiest way to stop a runaway train is to go nowhere near it in the first place.  But what if it’s already too late for that? If you or someone you know is there is help available.  If you would like to talk privately with a mentor, use this form to submit your request and we’ll match you up with a mentor who will contact you by email.  Mentoring is a free and confidential service.

These articles are also a good place to start:

Helping Your Husband Battle Pornography
Sex Addiction
Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex
Women Addicted to Porn
The Effects of Internet Pornography

xxxchurch.com is an amazing resource for anyone dealing with issues with pornography.

• 420 million pages of pornography on the internet
• 42 million sites
• 68 million searches for porn EVERY DAY

But the one that stuck with me the most when Dines said that the average age a boy first views pornography is now 11. As she goes on to explain, the danger for these boys is that at 11 they haven’t had any other sexual experiences, so when they see these images they become the boy’s baseline, their “normal” for what sex looks like, for what it is and what it should be.

Roberts goes on to quote a study from 2003 that found that in 56% of divorces one partner was a habitual user of pornography.  As Dines explains, “Porn is industrial strength sex.  Next to that actual sex looks boring and bland.”

In a horrible perversion of the promise in Isaiah 61:3 thousands and thousands of people are trading ashes for beauty instead of the other way around.  The fiction is so potent they become incapable of enjoying or even participating in normal, healthy, intimate relations.

As part of her research Dines has spoken to many in the porn industry and it’s their responses that really stopped me cold.  When she asked them, “Where does the industry go from here?” they responded that it feels like a runaway train.  They have no idea where things are going because the consumer demand is for darker and darker material.

The easiest way to stop a runaway train is to go nowhere near it in the first place.  But what if it’s already too late for that? If you or someone you know is there is help available.  If you would like to talk privately with a mentor, use this form to submit your request and we’ll match you up with a mentor who will contact you by email.  Mentoring is a free and confidential service.

These articles are also a good place to start:

Helping Your Husband Battle Pornography
Sex Addiction
Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex
Women Addicted to Porn
The Effects of Internet Pornography

xxxchurch.com is an amazing resource for anyone dealing with issues with pornography.