How are the two of you doing?

The first thing you need to know is this: a baby won’t fix your marriage struggles. If you feel this is a good way to help your relationship then you are totally wrong. A baby complicates issues. You don’t have to have a perfect marriage, just don’t decide to have a baby as a cure.

Are you physically ready?

Schedule a checkup with your doctor for each of you and tell him/her what you are planning. You can get great advice on vitamins, supplements and discover any problems that need to be dealt with.  Just a heads up, especially for the guys: your sex life will change when baby arrives. You need to be prepared to take a back seat with your needs. Each woman is different but be ready for change.

Are you financially ready?

See a Financial Planner. You don’t need money to talk with a planner and most are free. Tell them your plans and ask for their advice. Ask about Disability Insurance and Life Insurance. Get a second opinion if you want. Start putting aside money right now for the baby’s needs. Talk with friends discretely about what you will need to purchase just to start out. Also make sure you have a current will. Check to see what policies your employer has for Leave of Absence, child care and any other benefits they may offer.

Take a Trip!

It’s great to celebrate your decision as a couple by taking a trip. Make sure you aren’t spending all your “baby” money but have fun!  This could be your last, “just the two of us” trip for some time, so make the most of it.

Waiting for the perfect situation?

Circumstances are never perfect.  For some couples waiting until they can “afford” a baby will launch them well past the age of fertility.  So keep this list in mind but don’t wait for life to be perfect, jump in!  Keep in mind that you afford what is important, both in time and in finances. Your children will be important.  You won’t have all the answers and life won’t be perfect, but you can do it!

So now that you have taken care of those details, end the birth control, learn your cycle and let the “trying” begin!

Take the next step:

Making the transition to motherhood
Choosing a name for baby
Video: And baby makes three
Tips for new Moms 

Related
Attend a marriage conference to help strengthen your marriage

Related:
Are You Having Trouble Finding Peace? 

Beth’s poignant letter to her son, My Son Who is in Heaven, demonstrate how a caring heart can continue even after being shattered by tragedy. If you have had similar experiences and need someone to talk to confidentially, please contact us to talk today.

Related:
How Can I Have Faith After Losing My Son? I was angry at God

Do you regret having an abortion? Need someone to talk to?

Several years ago, I worked as a counselor for a crisis pregnancy center. Young women as young as eleven would walk into the doors of the clinic for a free pregnancy test. Our goal was always to provide for their immediate need coupled with an invitation of the gospel.

It never failed as soon as the young ladies discovered their results—a knee jerk answer would follow.   “Well, I am just going to give it up—or walk down the street to Planned Parenthood,” one disillusioned teen confided in me.

“Sweetheart, I am sure that you are confused right now—and probably want to escape, but would you mind just giving me a few minutes?” I asked. Her face softened as tears began to pour forth as she relaxed her body to listen.   “I cannot imagine how hard this is for you right now, but I want you to know there is a life forming inside of you.” At this point, I showed her pictures of the development of the baby at differing stages of the pregnancy.

Depending on the stage the mother was in, I would even offer a sonogram by one of our doctors.  As this young mother gazed at the tiny body pictured, I envisioned in my mind she was pondering the life inside of her.   “Okay—well, I won’t go down the street to Planned Parenthood, but I am not saying I am not going to give it up,” adamantly she persisted.

“What courage you have to allow the life inside of you to remain—you are offering the world a gift that only God could create. May He bless you with wisdom and strength to make the right decisions in the days to come.” I said to her. This young mother walked away choosing life—unfortunately, this was not always the case.

Several of the women that would come through our doors chose to abort instead. What made the difference? After working there several years, I made one observation. If the Mom could see and hear with her own senses the life inside of her more than likely she would not abort. If she chose not to have a sonogram or glance at the stages of development, often she would abort.

I believe there is a spiritual connection—especially for those in recovery—which as Christians we are all in recovery. You may have not formally gone through a Twelve Step or Celebrate Recovery Program, but we are all on the journey to become more Christ-like in spite of our jaded tendencies to fail.  The key for the women that I worked with and us as believers in Christ is to remember the word “life.”

Life is a daily choice that we must choose in order for us to fully experience the development and delivery of God’s best for us.   God has always granted His children the ability to choose. Throughout the book of Deuteronomy, the failures and victories of Israel’s choices are chronicled. And as Israel is on the cusp of crossing over into the land promised, God reminds them of their desperate need to choose life:  “See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction” (Deuteronomy 30:15).

Life encompassed more than physical livelihood, but spiritual fellowship and growth with God. And today the story remains the same. We will forfeit the abundance of God’s growth in Him when we deny the word “life.”  Beyond Israel, we encounter the importance of life in the New Testament. Jesus always laid before people a choice and the counter-consequence of not truly following Him. As noted in one His more memorable verses, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10).

You may not be facing a crisis pregnancy—but you are facing the daily decision to choose life. As a believer in Christ with falterings and failures—you are in need of embracing life as your modus operand a. And in doing so—you will offer life to others that are in need of the Life-Giver, Jesus Christ.

Questions: Have you made the choice of truly following Christ…chosen life? Have you had an abortion and need to talk to someone?

At least you’re not alone in having butterflies. Joan Giesbrecht for example describes how “I Wasn’t Ready to be a Grandma!” but nevertheless was able to overcome her trepidation, with a little help. Eventually she could honestly say “When the time came, I was totally ready to be a Grandma.”

Are you going through the exciting and anxious time of pregnancy? Or experiencing the confusion and exhaustion of being a new parent? Contact an online mentor who is familiar with your concerns to talk about it today, it’s free and confidential.

Related reading:
Reflections on Becoming a Mother
“Our Teenage Daughter just Told Us that She’s Pregnant”
Need someone to talk to? Click here to talk with us

I did not want to be another divorce statistic, but the numbers were not in our favor.

My husband Rudy is a bus driver and I work in dentistry – both careers that rank high in divorce statistics. We have a severely handicapped son. We struggled financially. My husband has been fighting depression for most of his life. My life and my marriage were in overdrive and I wanted out.

It all started with the birth of our first son, David.

We had planned to have a baby when Rudy finished university. Like most parents to be we prayed and prayed for a healthy child. Our healthy baby arrived. Two and a half months later our beautiful baby boy suffered a high fever from his first vaccination and just kept screaming. No one could help us. We were on our own as our child screamed day and night.

We kept going to doctors, but there was no medical label to put on him. Test were ordered, then more tests, but we didn’t get any answers. The best they could come up with was, “oh, he’ll be fine.” It made me want to scream. Something was obviously very wrong, why wasn’t anyone helping my son? I felt so guilty. I felt like I had done something wrong and it was my fault he wasn’t developing the way he should. Mother’s Day was harder to face every year.

Our lives reduced to just taking care of David.

I stopped going to college. Our health suffered and the depression Rudy had fought before came back stronger than ever. He was suicidal. I was scared and tired and bitter. Neither of us wanted any more children. Secretly I wondered what is would be like to have a child ‘just like the other kids’ and I felt guilty about that too.

Four years later, in spite of birth control, I got pregnant. It was a stressful pregnancy. Rudy was angry and I could feel the unrest of my unborn child. We had a son and named him Richard. I honestly don’t remember much about the first years of his life — good thing I took pictures. My life was just survival. There was no energy for anything more. With all the responsibilities and sleepless nights of having a newborn in the house, we still had David to take care of. And David cried a lot.

There was no escape from the crying.

We would take turns walking and rocking him, feeding him, whatever it took to get our child to rest and relieve his pain. We put in countless all-nighters trying to help this child. I started walking a lot. It was my one chance at peace and quiet and sanity and I started to feel better.

Then along came baby number three. Richard was only 2 ½ years old and our lives were in over drive. We expected another boy, but this time it was a girl. All of the stresses of a newborn came back and now there were three children to take care of. Ours was not a calm house. Rudy was still struggling with depression and anger. I wanted to just walk away but I wasn’t ready to give up on my marriage completely. When I got married I promised forever and that still meant something. I still wanted this marriage to work, so I prayed and prayed and waited.

I started to see where God had answered my prayers.

David is alive, not dead. He cannot speak, he cannot move his arms or his legs but he is part of this family. He will let you know that you are loved and accepted. You can feel good just sitting beside him. It still amazes me to see my kids together. SharaLynn loves to take care of David. Richard told David one day that there would be no bibs or wheelchairs in heaven. This past spring Rudy made some major changes in his life and our life as a family is changing for the better.

God did answer my prayers. I decided to stay with my family and so I am here to see the changes. I have learned to never stop praying. Even when it hurts. Just as I wanted to do anything I could to help David when he cried, so God is there to help us when we cry. Circumstances were against Rudy and I staying together, but God was for us. It wasn’t easy and it still isn’t easy, but God continues to carry us through. I am not another divorce statistic. I am a happily married woman and the mother of three. I have learned the value of prayer and with God in my life I have hope for the future.

Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Living with hope

If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.

Need to talk? You can talk privately with a trained mentor.
Be happy! Learn how to live your life to the fullest.

Does God care about the battle for purity your husband is going through?  Here are some resources.

“But God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me” (Psalm 66:19, 20)!

When we come to God in prayer I see his face light up. He’s been waiting for us! And when we speak, God gives us His full attention.

I’m reminded of a doctor I had during my first pregnancy. As always, his office was brimming full of people, yet when I entered his room, he acted as though I were the only person who had come to see him. He sensed that I was worried, so he encouraged me talk to him about it. When I left his office it seemed like my problems had diminished. Why? Somebody had listened to my
concerns with empathy and caring.

God listens to our requests and takes them seriously. I never hear God saying, “Make it quick already. Don’t you realize I have this whole universe to look after?” Neither does he dismiss us with a pat on the head saying, “There, there, run along now and don’t fret yourself.”

What we have to say matters to Him. We matter to Him. We can park our anxiety at His feet, knowing that He has truly heard us, and will act in our best interest.

Martin Luther once said, “I have held many things in my hands and have lost them all. But whatever I have placed in God’s hands, that I still possess.”

Dear God, thank you that You hear my prayer and that You act on my behalf and in my best interest. I want to trust You more. In Jesus Name, Amen

Questions: Do you trust God to act upon your requests? Why or why not?

About the Author Helen Grace Lescheid

What is the greatest threat to the family in the US?

He points to the on-again off-again relationship between Bristol Palin as evidence of a shift in the public perception of marriage.  He writes:

Bristol Palin is exactly the type of girl who would have been pushed into a “shotgun marriage” in 1964: Her parents were leading citizens first of their town, then their state, now the nation. Their position and reputation would have absolutely precluded an unwed mother in the family.

Their friends and neighbors (and maybe more important, their daughter’s friends and neighbors) would have enforced the expectation: marriage first, children second.

Not any more. Today, nobody expects it — quite the contrary, when Levi reveals himself to be a jerk again, every People magazine reader in the country fully sympathizes with Bristol chucking him out, again. Get married for the sake of the children? Unwed motherhood as a disgrace? What is this, the Middle Ages?

Would it be better if they did marry?

While I agree that yes, in 1964 Bristol and Levi probably would have been pressured to marry I’m left wondering, would anyone have benefitted from that?

Yes, there are statistics that suggest that there are advantages for children who live in two parent families, but you could also make a strong case for the benefits of living in a positive environment vs one where there is a lot of fighting and tension.  Would Bristol & Levi have had a happy marriage if they were forced into it?  No one can say for sure.  Even now, in 2010 arranged marriages exist, happy, life long arranged marriages.

Talking in “shoulds” gets muddy very quickly. In an ideal world, children would only be born when the parties involved were ready.  No teenager would ever wake up to news that changes everything, no happily married couple would suffer the agony of infertility.  But we know that’s not the way the world works.  “Ideal” is already behind us.  Bristol and Levi’s son is here, and no child is ever a mistake, even if the circumstances are not what we would have chosen.

So would it better if they were married? I don’t know. If they love each other and were willing to do the work of marriage together then it could be wonderful. But I think most counselors would agree that breaking off an engagement, even one so public, is less painful than a divorce.  We often hear of people staying married “for the children” should people get married for the same reason?

What do you think? Is it better for two people who have a child together to marry or not?

If you could choose the gender of your unborn child, would you?

The concept of “designer babies” is not a new one.  Arguments against preselecting or prescreening embryos usually focus on two main areas: how far is too far and what happens to the unwanted embryos? Popular opinion holds that is it wrong to preselect either in favor or against certain physical traits or medical conditions, but for some couples, the idea of selecting the gender of their child is not such a big deal.

A recent report on CNN explained:

It cost this child’s parents around $9,000 and it is why gender selection is fast becoming a boom area of medical tourism. It’s more expensive and illegal elsewhere. Couples flying in on baby holidays from China, Australia and Europe. Officially, some 4,000 test tube embryos are created each year in Thailand. Doctors estimate more than 30 percent are chosen for their gender to fulfill the couple’s desire to override nature and select the sex of their baby.

Is it wrong for a family that has all sons to want to know what it’s like to raise a daughter? Is there benefit in giving a child a same gender sibling? For many countries, the risk is not worth the reward.  Canada, Europe, Australia and China all ban gender selecting, yet there is nothing stopping couples from taking a vacation to Thailand and having the procedure done there.

Some call it “family balancing” others cite cultural reasons for wanting or even needing a child of a certain gender.   Parents have the legal right to choose for their child, and in many places have the right to choose to end a pregnancy.  Should parents get to choose the gender as well? What do you think?