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“And Laban had two daughters: the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favored.” (Genesis 29:16-17, KJV)

Have you ever been the victim of rejection? Have you ever felt like you were a contestant in a game of favorites and lost? If anyone knew the pain of rejection, it was Leah. She was treated differently because she was not as attractive as her sister. Talk about hurting your self-esteem! Can you imagine how much Leah must have hurt knowing that she was not loved as much because of her looks? Rejection is painful!

Maybe you’ve never faced that kind of rejection. Perhaps your rejection is of a different sort. Could it be that you were fired from a job because “the other woman” was a suck-up? Maybe you’ve eaten your lunch alone because you weren’t popular enough to eat with the “in crowd.” Perhaps your loved one walked out on you because he found “someone better.” At some point in our lives, we have all faced rejection.

The good news is that God knows all about our rejection. He knows how much we hurt. He knows all about our heavy hearts. He knows, and He cares. If you’ll read on in chapter 29 of Genesis, you’ll see how God dealt with Leah’s rejection.

“And when the Lord saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren. . .And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, ‘Now will I praise the Lord: therefore she called his name Judah’; and left bearing.” (Genesis 29:31,35, KJV)

Not only did the Lord give Leah children, He gave her Judah, the child that would be the start of the line of Christ. What a gift! True, Leah may have been rejected by her family and friends, but God never rejected her.

The same can be said for us. Many times it seems like we don’t have a friend to stand with us. At times, we can be brought so low that we wonder if anyone really cares. Well, I’m here to remind each of us that God does care. He will never reject us! After all, we were ugly in our trespasses and sin, yet He still sent His only Son to die for us. Now that’s true love!

Questions: Do you feel rejected? How can you learn from Leah’s story about God’s love?

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There are many reasons a woman may experience a diminished sex drive.  Men and women are very different sexually.  Women are emotionally driven while men are more physically driven.  The stage of life can be a factor or there could be a physical problem.  Fatigue is also a major issue for many women.  It could be that she does not feel that there is enough true intimacy in the marriage.  Emotional intimacy goes way beyond sex and needs to be in place for to engage.  Yes, women are complex, but you already knew that!

Men are very visual and physically based.  Men see what they want and are turned on.  They are also driven by an accumulation of sperm that needs to be released in a timely manner, if not released it continues to build in a physical need/urge for release.  Women do not have a physical counterpart for this drive. Women are attracted to a man based on how he treats her and the depth of her emotional relationship with him.  Does she feel safe, loved, cared for, wanted, beautiful, helped?  What is happening with emotional intimacy greatly affects sexual intimacy.  All of these things and more add to her desire.

Outside influences

Her lack of desire may not be about you at all.  Sex outside of marriage, whether due to one’s own choices or due to abuse, can be a big culprit for robbing desire in marriage. Oxytocin, a chemical released during orgasm will bond partners.  (Refer to the book Kiss Me Again Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage, to learn more about oxytocin’s role in sexuality.)   Past sexual experiences, even positive ones, do have an effect on your current sexual relationship.

Don’t relate her lack of desire to the way you feel, because men and women are so VERY different on this topic.  Interpreting her lack of desire as rejection is painful and dangerous when it may not be about you but about her and where she is at right now.  It could be any number of things. If she experienced childhood abuse I recommend the book Wounded Heart, by Dan Allender. For dealing with past relationships Kiss Me Again, Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage, by Barbara Wilson is an excellent resource.  Once the past is cleared up you can both move forward together!

It may be about you after all:  the two of you

If there are emotional issues between the two of you this will diminish her drive.  She needs to feel free to express herself in all areas.  She needs to be free to be honest in her emotions, even if this upsets you.  You need to control your response to her anger so she does not feel punished or abused. This can lead to freer expression in the bedroom as well.  If she feels that she cannot be herself there is a break-down in true intimacy.  Intimacy is about so much more than sex.

Resentment can be another emotional stumbling block in the pursuit of a woman’s desire.  There could be any number of things she resents you for.  It could be an attitude or action, current or past.  If she resents you it needs to be resolved.  It could be something you are not aware of, she may not even realize resentment is the cause.  (A good counselor can be a gift in resolving these issues.)  Things that get shoved under the proverbial rug are a major source of resentment.

If you think this is the issue, the two of you can sit down and have a heart to heart discussion.  Ask her if there is anything now or in the past that she resents you for.   Give her time to think and process.  If nothing comes to mind right away give her opportunity to come back with an answer.  Give her the freedom to have a long list or a short list to share with you.  If the list is longer than you thought, be careful how you respond.  You do not want to diminish this intimate interaction by reacting harshly.  True intimacy includes honest interaction with both parties feeling safe to express themselves.

Be aware that if she has not felt free to express herself there may be a time period that the pendulum swings and it feels pretty one sided for a time.  You may need to bite your tongue and take what comes at you for a while as she works on becoming more honest with her emotions and expressions.  You need to provide an extra safe place while she learns to walk this new path.  Her first steps will be tentative.  Once this relating pattern becomes more normal the pendulum should land in the middle with back and forth interactions about how you both feel.

Marriage is not 50/50 contract, it is about meeting each others’ needs.  This involves one spouse making sacrifices at certain points in the journey.  That being said, one spouse should not make ALL the sacrifices, it goes back and forth over time.  Being able to express oneself is important in marriage and sexuality in order to achieve true intimacy.

What is true intimacy?

True intimacy is the ability to express who you are and be accepted at all levels.  Relationships get stuck at whatever intimacy level is forged when you start having sex.  Sexual intimacy masquerades as a substitute for emotional intimacy.  The right foundation is achieved when sexual intimacy is introduced after a couple is married AND has previously achieved the fifth level of emotional intimacy.

If sex is introduced at a lower level of emotional intimacy the relationship gets stuck in a lower level.  Intimacy can only progress as far as both people are able to.  For example if he can function at level five but she is stuck at level three the relationship will stay at the lower level, level three.  Lasting love needs the ability to overcome emotional stressors and the real pressures of life, such as anger, conflict, stress, fatigue, etc.   If your relationship is stuck at a premature intimacy level, it may show up in a wife’s lack of sex drive.  Here is a basic list of the emotional intimacy levels:

Level 1: Safe communication (meeting a stranger in the grocery store)

Level 2: Others’ opinions and beliefs (my boss said. . .)

Level 3: Personal opinions and beliefs (I think that …. )

Level 4: My feelings and experiences (this is what happened to me – joy, pain, sorrow)

Level 5: My needs, emotions and desires (this is my deepest self, my secrets)

If this sounds like it might be an issue for you, there is hope.  Going back and restoring the emotional intimacy can be done and will be very rewarding for both of you. To read a full article on the intimacy levels click here.  The book I recommend is Kiss Me Again, Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage, by Barbara Wilson.

Boundaries can play a big part in her waning desire

One VERY common issue for married partners is the difference in libido.  Many couples do not agree on how often they should have sex.  In fact many men express, “I want to have sex as often as I can and she seems like she could care less.  What are we supposed to do?”  For some men they feel a personal sense of rejection if she does not want to have sex with him.  He may feel unloved and hurt by this perceived rejection.

A common response is to push more and become persistent to the point of demanding that your sexual desires be met; especially if you feel this is your “right” and “need”. She may feel backed into a corner and feel that she has no choice.  This is especially true for a Christian woman who has been told that her body belongs to her husband and she is the only means of fulfilling his desire/need.  Desire takes flight under these circumstances and makes a quick exit.  People who feel pushed into something don’t have opportunity to decide if they really want it for themselves.

The problem with this scenario is that in order to be free to really say yes fully, one needs to have the freedom to no.  The book Boundaries in Marriage, by Townsend and Cloud talks about this.  They call it The Law of Motivation and describe it like this:

The law of motivation states that we must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes.  No one can actually love another if she feels she doesn’t have a choice not to.  Giving your time, love, or vulnerability to your spouse requires that you make your own choice based on your values not out of fear.  HAVING to do anything is a sign that someone is afraid.  Fear works against love.  The “have to” destroys the “choose to”.

Putting this quote in context of feminine sexuality, means that her desire has a chance to grow and flourish when she feels that she has a choice and that her desire matters.  Does your wife have a choice?

Finally, are your own sexually deviant choices affecting her?

This could be a wide range of behaviors.  Men think in a compartment format.  For example, he might think, “Viewing pornography has nothing to do with my wife, it does not affect my marriage, and therefore it is ok.  What I do on my own time to relax is my business.  After all men are, visual, so it is fine.”  Wrong, wrong, and wrong!  It does affect your wife. (Here is a video) Stop it!  You may be able to view images and not compare her to them, (or maybe you cannot), but if she knows you have an issue with pornography (or sees you watching other women at the beach in front of her) she will compare herself to other women and guess who comes up short every time?!  She does.

This is especially true of published pictures, because those models are all edited and enhanced.  Real women, your wife included, hate this!  If a woman feels compared to others, it is very hurtful and damaging to her, her self-esteem, and therefore your marriage.  This feeling of inadequacy robs the intimacy from your marriage.

So if you are doing this or other deviant behaviors (there are many more than mentioned here) and wonder why she does not want to have sex, think about the scenario you are creating, from her perspective.  Do you want her talking about how wonderful other men are and then expect to feel good about sex together?  Do you want to wonder if she is thinking about someone else when the two of you are together?  Sex is designed for two people to enjoy each other, bringing in a third party is not acceptable, images included!   For more information on this topic see:  Erosive Influence of Porn Upon Husbands, www.sexaddict.com, Pornography and Addiction

Support her in her journey

Take the time and initiative to support her needs, even if you don’t understand them.  They may go against your needs and desires for a time, but the result is worth your sacrifice.  Depending on what the issue is, she may need to take a break from sex for a time, or be the only one to initiate sex for a time.  Realize that she has a need in this area and support her in the journey toward progress.  This may include working on emotional intimacy that includes more sensual experience than sexual.  For example, take time to cuddle naked and talk about sexual likes and dislikes, without the expectation that it to lead to sex.  Create a safe environment for her to grow and express herself without feeling pressured or pushed, one where her desire can grow and have expression when it comes.

Recognize that the process may involve pain, but pain does not always equate to “bad”.  Pain can indicate growth and be a very good thing.  Other times it indicates that there is a problem that needs to be cared for.  Be patient and supportive whatever the journey looks like in your marriage.

Note: This article deals with a wife’s lack of desire.  If your husband is the one who does not want sex, read Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex and join the conversation.

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Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Watch their video: The Sex Starved Marriage.

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“Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him” (Matthew 4:11).

Most people avoid it. Some find it uncomfortable. Others consider it a form of rejection. But for the Christian, there should be no fear of being alone, as these are the moments God speaks to us the most.

Jesus made a habit of separating himself from the voices of others. He treasured the silence. As a matter of fact, he was immediately led to the desert following his baptism. He was alone for 40 days and nights, fasting and praying just as his ministry to others was in its infant stages.

Satan tried every trick in the book to derail Jesus, preying on his weakened state, but to no avail. But then an interesting thing happens. Satan finally gives up. Matthew says it like this. (Matthew 4:11 NIV) “Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.”

No doubt Jesus was stronger because of the time spent alone with God. He was able to fight off the devil before the angels came to assist him. He expected the fight, and was ready for it.

This is what I crave in my own spiritual life. I want nothing more than to send Satan running and for angels to then attend to me and give me strength. In order for this to happen, I believe that sometimes, all the people in my life must be stripped away for a season.

Relocation. The loss of a job. A new school. A family situation no one else can relate to. The words of a doctor that change your life with a simple test result. All of these leave us alone, with no one else to call on but God himself.   He is okay with this, and we should be as well. If we learn to embrace the alone times, we might just find ourselves strong enough to fight the battle that looms on the horizon.

Dear God, we are not used to the silence. We don’t know quite how to handle it. We find it unsettling, as if we have been forgotten by the world. Teach us to find you in these places. Teach us to listen for your voice above all others. Send angels to attend to us, and give us the strength to make Satan flee from our lives, once and for all. In Jesus’ name, Amen

TAKE THE NEXT STEP: I was a quiet time quitter

Questions: Do you need to spend some time alone with God? Why do we avoid being alone? What does one fear?

About the author Janet Morris Grimes

Take this study to learn how to deal with pain so that bitterness doesn’t take root.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger… Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31,32).

Cathy had been deeply hurt by her father’s rejection. When the opportunity came for her to move away, she took it. I can now forget about my father’s rejection, she thought, and get on with my life.

But Cathy discovered that bitterness is like a sliver. If  left alone, it will fester and get worse and worse. It will poison us and all our relationships  including our relationship with God. We must release the hurt to Jesus. We must let Him pull out the sliver. How? By confessing the sin of bitterness to God and to the person who hurt us. Only then can God heal us of the hurt.

At first, Cathy found this most unfair. “He’s the one who hurt me,” she said. “He ought to be the first one to ask for forgiveness.” But he didn’t. Cathy began to realize that if she wanted to grow in her relationship with God, she’d have to make the first move. She’d have to ask her father to forgive her. She grabbed a pen and began to write, ”Dear Dad, I want to ask you to forgive me. I’ve had resentment in my heart towards you, and I know I’ve hurt you. I love you, Cathy.”

“Something happened to me that day while I was writing the letter,” she said. “Something unclean and ugly left me, like I had pulled the plug on sink full of dirty water. I didn’t feel angry toward my dad anymore. And for the first time, I could actually feel God’s love for me.”

A month later, her father responded with a letter asking her to forgive him. The healing of a relationship had begun. Even if her father had not responded favorably, Cathy would still have benefited. Being free of resentment, she could now grow in love and confidence towards God, herself, and other  people.

Do you have resentment and bitterness in your heart? The Bible says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger.” How?  By turning it over to Jesus. Not once or twice, but as many times as it comes to mind. Eventually, you will be free of the hurt and compassion will take it’s place.

Lord Jesus, I give you this hurt and bitterness. I do not want to carry it anymore. I want to forgive the person who’s hurt me just as You have forgiven me. I want to be a channel of your love. Amen.

TAKE THE NEXT STEP: What do you do when church hurts?

PS. This story is told in He Raised Me Up To Stand on Mountains You can order it here.

Questions: Is there someone in your life that you carry resentment towards?  What will be your first step in order to get rid of the bitterness?

About the Author Helen Grace Lescheid

Searching for meaning to existence? We can pray for you.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the responsibility that all of us as the children of God have to reach the lost. When I consider everything that Jesus went through to make salvation possible, I would never want his suffering on my behalf to be taken lightly.  If He would have done all of that for even one of us, than it is very important to Him that everyone has the chance to come to know Him and receive eternal life.

His part was to give His life.  Our part is to partner with Him by being willing to lay down our life to be His witness, and to share the truth about what He did with others. We are His “search and rescue team.”

For many of us this is scary territory. We may have taken the risk in the past only to experience rejection or backlash.  How can we share our faith with peace and confidence?

Remember first that Jesus told the disciples to “wait” until they received the Holy Spirit (Acts 1:8)? It was absolutely necessary for them to be filled with the Holy Spirit in order to witness successfully. So our first step is to be sure that we are filled with the Spirit by fully surrendering our lives to Christ.

Keep in mind that being filled is not a one time event but an ongoing daily decision by keeping sin out of our lives. Ask God to show you who He would like you to witness to and begin to pray for that person. Now you are in position for the Holy Spirit to lead you, show you the opportunities, and give you the words. Remember, the true sign of love is obedience (1 John 2:5).  Simply do what the Holy Spirit shows you, it could be anything from an act of kindness to sharing your testimony with a clear gospel message. Then leave the results with God.

“This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you” (John 15:12-14, NKJV).

Questions: What is most necessary in order to witness for Christ successfully?

About the Author Emmie Stanley