Several routes to this disastrous awakening exist. The first is obvious: perhaps you had sex with several guys before you were married, and it was an empty experience. Most teenage girls who sleep around, for instance, don’t experience orgasm, and often don’t really experience much arousal at all. The guys aren’t really into giving the girls pleasure; they’re too young and immature. So your body doesn’t necessarily learn how to become aroused, and sex isn’t that exciting.

The other route is the exact opposite. You did everything right. You waited until you were married to make love, but your husband was so into it that everything happened very fast. He liked it so much that he wanted to all the time. So it became a chore. You never really “awakened” love.

What’s all the fuss about?

I think many women are in this situation. They just don’t see what all the fuss with sex is about. It seems like everyone is lying to them. It’s as if culture is trying to con women into thinking it’s something great, so that you’ll want to make love all the time, but the truth is it’s not that great at all. They start to believe that sex was designed for men, and it’s a big rip off.

If this is you, your love was awakened too early, and in the wrong way. And chances are you’ve become a little bitter about sex. It’s just something else on your to-do list. Then you read on blogs that Christian women are supposed to understand how much their husbands need sex, and you’re supposed to put out. Oh, great. That’s really fun now, isn’t it?

I understand. Believe me, I do. But I also think that there’s a way past this, and I want to share it with you today to offer some hope.

How to awaken love again

Maybe what you need to do is to awaken love again. Talk to your husband about it, and if he will agree, take a sexual hiatus for two or three weeks, or longer if you have to. During that time you agree not to make love. That way the pressure is off. You’re not working towards some goal anymore. Instead, take that time to explore. Lie naked together and just touch each other. Let him touch you and figure out what actually feels good. Have baths together.

It may kill him, and so I really don’t recommend that this last very long for his sake. But I think some women need to be reminded that they do, actually, have a sex drive. It’s just buried and never really woke up for a whole variety of reasons. We need to figure out what feels good, and he needs to figure out what to do to make you feel good. You can also have fun with his body, too, when you realize that your performance isn’t the point of the evening.

I don’t recommend this for everyone (though it is fun for a night every now and then in almost any marriage), but if you talk with your husband and explain it, I think it can revolutionize many marriages.

 Take the next step:

I love my husband, but I don’t like sex
Help! My wife doesn’t want sex
Help! My husband doesn’t want sex 

February is known for cold weather, presidents’ birthdays and Cupid’s delight.

Love, sex and amorous relationships have dominated the news over the past year.  Not every culture is as comfortable as ours is with public displays of affection.  In one Malaysian state, laws ban total darkness in movie theaters “to prevent immoral acts like kissing, cuddling and other activities,” as one official explained it. Public kissing there usually rates a $70 fine.

In Venezuela, extended public kissing and embracing can get you arrested. “If you kiss for more than five seconds, the police will grab you,” complained one young woman whose friends were jailed. “It’s ridiculous,” groused a 24-year-old man. “Whoever invented this law must not have a girlfriend.”

Defining immoral kisses can be difficult admitted one policeman, but “when you see it, you should know it.” (Has he been reading U.S. Supreme Court decisions?)

Kids often have unique insights into adults’ urge to merge. A friend passed along a list from the Internet of children’s answers to questions about love.

What do people do on a date? Lynnette (age 8): “Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.”

Martin (age 10) sees the bottom line: “On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”

When is it OK to kiss someone? Pam (7): “When they’re rich!” Curt (7): “The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”  Howard (8): “The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them….It’s the right thing to do.”

How does one decide whom to marry? Allan (10): “You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dips coming.” Allan may find it prudent to slightly revise that theory in a few years.

This season pundits ponder, “What is genuine love?” Popular speaker Josh McDowell delineates three kinds of love that can inform kids’ (and adults’) attitudes: love if, love because of, and love period.   Love if and because of are based on personality or performance: “I love you if you go out with me, if you have a good sense of humor, if you sleep with me. I love you because you’re attractive, intelligent or athletic.”

But the best kind of love says, “I love you period: even with your weaknesses, even if you change, even if someone better looking comes along. I love you even if you have zoo-breath in the morning. I want to give myself to you.”

Paul, an early Christian writer, eloquently described this unconditional love:   “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.   Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. …Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever.”

Committed unconditional love could probably heal many romantic rifts. Solid spiritual roots that help produce it can help undergird stable relationships. And the children have noticed that families and adult relationships can use some strengthening.

How can a stranger tell if two people are married? Derrick (8): By “whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.” And how would the world be different if people didn’t get married? Kelvin (8): “There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?

What does love look like in your life? If it’s more heartache than roses, come talk to a mentor.

Take the next step:

What’s your love language?
The language of love
What does God have to do with love?

1. Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.
2. A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.
3. Men are insecure. Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life — not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.
4. Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family. Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.
5. Men want more sex. Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.
6. Sex means more than sex. When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!
7. Men struggle with visual temptation. This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.
8. Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic. True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?
9. Men care about their wife’s appearance. This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.
10. Men want their wives to know how much they love them. This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.

So this year, may we encourage you to put the best ingredients into your marriage?  Simple ones like time.  Attention.  Intention.  Romance.  Sex.  Laughter.  Gratitude.  Celebration.

At the beginning of every year, Neil and I have a “State of the Union” weekend where we review the past year and look forward to the next.  We talk about the joys, challenges and disappointments of the year past and set some goals, make some plans and dream forward into the new year.   We started doing it about 15 years ago after a particularly troubled time in our marriage.   In fact, it was the roughest season we’d ever experienced.  We found ourselves frosty roommates rather than the passionate friends and lovers we’d always been to each other.  We couldn’t believe we’d allowed ourselves to get so far off track.  A weekend retreat helped us get honest and slowly start making our way back.   We realized our marriage had become the victim of benign neglect.  We’d been trying to keep a marriage alive on scraps.  Scraps of time, scraps of attention, scraps of energy.   Cheap ingredients.  We agreed we wanted more than that.  So now we get away once a year – for a day, a weekend, and this year, for a week – to take stock, to plan and to make sure we’re putting the very best ingredients in our 33 year “stew”.  We leave on Sunday!

We use different tools to guide our conversation.  This year we’ll be using a guide I found on a blog site (simplemom.net) I visit occasionally and highly recommend. You can download the Goal-Setting Guide for 2012 here.  It might help provide a process and some great questions for you and your spouse to talk through.

Some suggestions:

And cover it all with a big helping of prayer.  That’s the best ingredient of all.

Bon Appetit!

Neil and Sharol Josephson are the Directors of FamilyLife Canada

 Well, we know that the word of God is very important, but like seed without water it lies dormant until we add the power of the Holy Spirit. This is the reason why sometimes God’s written word can seem dull and makes no sense to us. To be able to properly read and understand the word we need to realize that it is a spiritual language, and can only be understood by the Spirit. It is the Spirit who teaches us and causes the word to come to life for us, as we surrender and invite him to fill and control us (1 John 2:27).

Don’t just be satisfied with having “knowledge” about what the bible says, add the Holy Spirit and move from words to power.  A seed is just a seed until you add water – but once you do… life starts to burst forth, food, trees, babies! God’s word is seed (Luke 8:11). We need to take the seed of the word, plant it in our lives, and by the power of the Holy Spirit expect a crop of hope, joy, healing, saved loved ones, healed relationships, victory, and success. Don’t settle for just knowing God’s word, add the water of the Spirit, and expect to “experience” everything promised to us through it.

“God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.” John 4:24

Take the next step:
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Take this checklist to help you prepare for marriage 
Engaged? Take our free lesson “Reflections for a Bride”

10. Tools. Unless she’s a handywoman or she’s told you her great desire to take out the bathtub and build a new one, I’d save the wrenches for someone else—maybe yourself.

9. A vacuum. Any cleaning or kitchen appliance says, “Honey, clean the house for me.” Your wife or girlfriend wants to be more than the housekeeper in your life.

8. A cookbook. “She has to cook all the time,” the rationale may go, “I’ll get her a cookbook!” But see the rationale for #9: She wants to be reminded how she is special and appreciated at Christmas time, not given more work to do!

7. Clothes. Now, some men are very good at buying clothes and they know the exact size of their woman. However, you must keep in mind that women are shaped very differently and sizes can vary depending on the store. For example, I am a size 2 at one store and a size 4 at another, and I have shirts that are size small or large. To avoid complications, I suggest buying a gift certificate at your wife or girlfriend’s favorite mall, or bring her sister or best friend to pick out the clothing with you!

6. Tickets to the monster truck rally. I have a feeling that I’m in the minority when it comes to women who might enjoy a monster truck rally, so if I were you, I wouldn’t even bother lining up for tickets. And yes, this includes the car show, the motorcycle show, the boat show, NASCAR races…OK, you get my point.

5. Tires. Continuing the car theme, while your wife might need new tires for her car, she doesn’t necessarily want them as a Christmas gift. In fact, unless she’s a real greasemonkey or you’re buying her a completely new car, it’d be best to avoid car-related gifts entirely.

4. Computer equipment. There is a short list of tech gadgets, like an iPad, that are a good gift. But whether it’s a new printer or a copy of Microsoft Office or QuickTax, Christmas just isn’t the time to buy hardware or software for your wife or girlfriend. Wait until you’re both doing your taxes.

3. Socks. Yes, socks are useful, but they’re just not the type of Christmas gift a woman is thrilled about. I don’t feel a need to explain further.

2. Fruitcake. Yes, Christmas fruitcakes last about 12 years, but that’s because nobody eats them. And neither will your wife.

1. Membership to a diet program. Maybe she’s told you that she’s always wanted to join one. Maybe she’s told you that she thinks she’s fat. Does that mean you think she’s not beautiful and won’t be until she loses weight? I sure hope not. But that’s exactly what a membership to a diet program says. Exercise videos have the same effect. Men, flee from the infomercials that convince you otherwise! I suggest giving her something that makes her feel special and loved. Be thoughtful about it, and don’t forget to tell her how beautiful you think she is this holiday season.

Take the next step:

8 Ways to romance your wife 
Give her a gift she’ll treasure forever: How to write a love letter
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