He says, “Here’s what I realized: I could continue to be selfish, or I could be happily married. But I couldn’t do both.”

If you’re ready to improve your own relationship watch the video to see how Neil deals with his own selfishness.  At thirty years and counting, he must be doing something right.

Give your relationship a boost with a Weekend to Remember couple’s conference.  Here’s what other couples are saying:

Gave a roadmap to making our relationship work.
It has been like a breath of fresh air.
This weekend saved my family
Great reset button for us. 

Conferences take place throughout the year all across the US and Canada.

The difference God Makes:

How to Know Jesus Personally

Are You Experiencing the Spirit Filled Life?

Take the next step:

Marriage in a rut? Focus on your strengths
Learn how to make decisions together
If you have questions about marriage, ask a mentor  (It’s private and free.)

There’s another way your abuse could be impacting you and that’s in your enjoyment and desire for sex with your spouse.

One of the most confusing things for the sexual abuse victim is how their bodies responded during the abuse. How can something that feels scary, wrong and shameful also feel so good? Often a strategic pedophile grooms his victim by awakening their sexual desire making them a more willing, pliable participant. Now something that God designed for a holy, precious union between a husband and a wife has been seared on the young person’s brain as something shameful, dirty, and painful.

Then they get married to the person of their dreams. They’re madly in love. They want to have sex with this person; except, when their sexual desire is aroused, the unexpected happens. The old familiar feelings of shame, disgust and the sense that this is wrong squelches their desire and causes them to shrink back from the loving touch of their spouse. Or if their abuse was violent causing fear and feelings of helplessness, those same emotions will arise during sexual intimacy, even though this is a safe person. You see, sexual abuse not only robs a child of their childhood, but also steals from their future. The result is an emotional and physical withdrawal on the part of the sexual abuse victim fracturing the marriage union at its foundation.

If this is you, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for all that’s been robbed from you–your yesterday and your today. There is hope for you. It no longer has to rob you of your future. You can choose today to break its hold on you, to heal from the pain and shame to love and live in freedom and wholeness.

I can hear some of you saying to yourself, “But I’ve done all the counseling…I’ve tried everything I can think of, and nothing has worked.” You may not like my answer, but I’m going to encourage you to not give up. Don’t give up. Healing is a journey, a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. Along with the support of a professional counselor I encourage you to try the steps of healing offered – “How to Heal from Your Sexual Past”. I’ve seen God transform and heal the lives of hundreds of women as they’ve brought their hurts and pain to Him.

There is hope for healing. God can heal anyone.  He can heal anything. He’s done it for me, and countless others. And He wants to do it for you.

Please, just don’t give up.

For further reading in this series:

Childhood Sexual Abuse: How the past affects the present
How do I know if I’ve been sexually abused?
Why do I feel this way?
How do I know if I need healing?
How can I heal from my sexual past? 

Would you like to talk to a mentor? Just use this form and you’ll get a personal, private response from your mentor, usually within a couple of days.  Can we pray for you?

Recommended Reading:

On The Threshold of Hope by:  Diane Langberg
The Wounded Heart:  Hope For Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by:  Dan Allender
List of Barbara’s Books  Barbara covers many issues in her books including Sexual Abuse and much more.

Sometimes we can feel a certain way for so long that it starts to feel normal, c

I met a woman at a retreat who began to share with me that her abuse at 10 years old was surfacing again now that she was 40. Despite her efforts to will it away year after year by stuffing away the memories and emotions, instead it had grown to a frenzy of fear, shame and pain. Even worse, it was impacting the intimacy she longed to enjoy with her husband. She agreed that she needed to ‘deal’ with it, but in order to do that, she would need to bring the past into the open and that was just too scary.

I assured her of two things…the same two things I suggest to you. First: there is hope for healing. She can be free of the impact of the abuse. Not the memories, but the haunting control the memories were having on her life. Second, it was not going away on its own. Until she took the steps necessary to allow for healing, every morning for the rest of her life she’d wake up longing for peace from its torment.

So how do you know if your sexual past is still hurting you today? This list describes some of the ways that your abuse could still be impacting your day to day life:

• You’re having trouble functioning at home or work
• You’re suffering from severe fear, anxiety or depression
• You’re unable to form close, satisfying relationships
• You’re experiencing terrifying memories, nightmares, or flashbacks
• You’re avoiding more and more things that remind you of the abuse or trauma
• You’re feeling emotionally numb and disconnected from others
• You’re using alcohol or drugs to feel better, or to be able to be intimate with your spouse
• You’re not enjoying intimacy with your spouse, you feel like there should be more . . .

For further reading in this series:

Childhood Sexual Abuse: How the past affects the present
How do I know if I’ve been sexually abused?
Why do I feel this way?
Why do I struggle with sexual intimacy?
How can I heal from my sexual past? 

Would you like to talk to a mentor? Just use this form and you’ll get a personal, private response from your mentor, usually within a couple of days. Can we pray for you?

Recommended Reading:

On The Threshold of Hope by:  Diane Langberg
The Wounded Heart:  Hope For Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by:  Dan Allender
List of Barbara’s Books  Barbara covers many issues in her books including Sexual Abuse and much more.

• Self-blame: When children experience trauma, their inherent egocentrism leads them to believe that they are responsible. It’s important for them to understand and believe that the abuse was not their fault. Sexual abuse silences the victim. It takes away their voice. They live in secret, silent shame. They grow up believing their voice, opinion, and person does not matter.

• Powerlessness: Children who’ve been abused have a strong sense of powerlessness. This can impair their self-image, which follows them into adulthood increasing their potential to be victimized again. The powerlessness of sexual abuse damages the body. Not only the physical body, but how they feel about their own body. Children who’ve been abused have no sense of ownership or protection of their own bodies. They assume that their bodies are for public use. This can lead to a disregard for their own safety causing them to act out sexually with others, or being re-victimized over and over.

• Loss and Betrayal: Children lose a sense of safety and may feel a loss of security because people have not protected them, especially significant caregivers. Betrayal, which is essentially a loss of trust, shakes the very foundation of childhood development. They come to view the world as a threatening place they have no control over, and often believe they do not deserve any better than the traumatizing experience.

• Stigmatization: Children who’ve been abused feel stigmatized. They feel an internal sense of shame and alienation—feeling labeled, different than others. They can get stuck in a continual pursuit of acceptance and feeling good enough. As a result sexual abuse damages the emotions leaving them with feelings of helplessness, shame, betrayal, fear, guilt, anger and grief.

• Eroticization: Through the experience of sexual abuse and rape, children may perceive that their value comes primarily from being sexual, thus they often become eroticized and act out on themselves or others what’s been done to them.

• Destructiveness: Many children may lose their impulse control, establishing a self-defeating cycle of aggression and destructiveness–against others and themselves. This may lead to frightening displays of temper and release of rage. Other destructive behaviors may include eating disorders, cutting, substance abuse and addictions.

• Attachment Disorders: Attachment is vital for survival, so it is understandable that threats to attachment are life and death issues for children. Sexual abuse damages one’s ability to build and sustain relationships. It affects relationships in areas of trust, boundaries and control. It is crucial for children who’ve endured sexual trauma to experience safety and a place to develop positive attachments.

Sexual abuse damages one’s thinking. Sexual abuse affects four areas of thought:

• Doublethink: Abuse puts the child’s mind into two contradictory thoughts at the same time. In order to survive the abuse, the mind has to do incredible things. One aspect of doublethink is finding a way to absolve your caretakers so that you can continue to feel cared for or safe. It’s thinking on the one hand that you have no hope of escape and on the other hand that it will be better tomorrow. The mind splits so that both realities can be true.

• Dissociation: Children cope with abuse through defense mechanisms of denial, repression and dissociation. Fragmentation and depersonalization can help protect the child from the overwhelming emotions that come from the abuse.
• Memory: Memories can be repressed and stored in the right side of the brain, or implicit memory where we may not be able to recall, or verbally describe the event.
• Lies and Truth: Sexual abuse damages our thinking through a set of lies. Healing requires bringing the lies into the light of God’s truth.

Sexual abuse damages the spirit, including faith. Trying to understand questions like, “How does a loving God allow something so bad to happen?” is incredibly confusing! This can cause the sexual abuse victim to believe that either God doesn’t exist, or he does exist but is not powerful enough to stop the evil. Or he’s either not a loving God, or he doesn’t love them.

Sexual abuse damages one’s ability to hope. The sexual abuse victim lives without hope in themselves, in others and in their future. To live without hope is to live in a dark, lonely place of despair.

Did you see yourself in the above list? If so, you’re not alone. And you’re not going crazy. What you’re feeling is real. Sexual abuse as a child is a significant trauma that affects every part of your being: spiritual, emotional, mental and physical. But there’s good news. Healing can reverse the lies and damage of abuse, and allow you to live free from the shame and torment that have followed you into adulthood.

For further reading in this series:

Childhood Sexual Abuse: How the past affects the present
How do I know if I’ve been sexually abused?
Why do I feel this way?
How Do I know if I need healing?
Why do I struggle with sexual intimacy?
How can I heal from my sexual past? 

Would you like to talk to a mentor? Just use this form and you’ll get a personal, private response from your mentor, usually within a couple of days.  Can we pray for you?

Recommended Reading:

On The Threshold of Hope by:  Diane Langberg
The Wounded Heart:  Hope For Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by:  Dan Allender
List of Barbara’s Books  Barbara covers many issues in her books including Sexual Abuse and much more.

Verbal sexual abuse includes sexual threats, sexual comments about your body, lewd or suggestive comments and inappropriate sexual conversations with children.

Visual sexual abuse includes exposure to pornographic, sexually explicit material or scenes, exhibitionism, and voyeurism.

Physical sexual abuse is much broader than intercourse. It also includes touching that is intended to arouse the victim or abuser.  It can include forced, unforced or simulated sex, sexual touch, and/or intercourse.

Psychological sexual abuse is less obvious, and more difficult to discern. It usually involves having an adult who violates a child’s privacy during bathing or dressing activities, especially an older child who is capable of doing this on their own.

An adult that walks in unasked or announced while a child is in the bathroom, or getting dressed in their room and who proceeds to inappropriately watch them, is a form of sexual abuse. It is much harder to discern because to do so you’d need to know the intent of the adult. But even when children or young adults sense that the intent of the intrusion is sexual in nature, they would have a hard time proving it, especially as the adult could deny any inappropriate intent. Another form of psychological sexual abuse is when a parent uses the child or young adult as a surrogate mate sharing their intimate needs or desires with them, or using the child to meet their emotional needs rather than a spouse.

For further reading in this series:

Childhood Sexual Abuse: How the past affects the present
Why do I feel this way?
How do I know if I need healing?
Why do I struggle with sexual intimacy?
How can I heal from my sexual past 

Would you like to talk to a mentor? Just use this form and you’ll get a personal, private response from your mentor, usually within a couple of days.  Can we pray for you?

Recommended Reading:

On The Threshold of Hope by:  Diane Langberg
The Wounded Heart:  Hope For Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by:  Dan Allender
List of Barbara’s Books  Barbara covers many issues in her books including Sexual Abuse and much more.

Rough estimates put one in three girls and one in six boys in the US at risk for being sexually abused.

This is a difficult topic to write about and a hard topic to read as well. The thought of anyone using a child to gratify their own perverse sexual desires is an incomprehensible evil. It is an evil that has disgraced, destroyed and devalued the human race. But it’s real. It happens and the numbers of those affected by it are growing. Maybe it has happened to you.

Some of the questions I’ll attempt to address in this series are:

• How do you know if you were sexually abused as a child?
• If you were abused, how do you know if it’s still impacting you today?
• How do I know if I need healing?
• Why do I struggle with sexual intimacy?

I understand that you may want to stop reading at this point. If you have memories of sexual abuse, it can be painful to revisit those memories and the emotions associated with them. Or maybe, you are one that has no memory, but you have a ‘feeling’ that you were abused. You occasionally get an image of an event, a person, or of yourself in an uncomfortable situation and you wonder. Perhaps there is someone in your past that causes negative emotions to surface whenever you think of them or have to be around them. Again you wonder, but don’t know for sure.  Maybe you don’t want to know.

If so, I understand. What you’re feeling is typical. You’ve survived until now by shoving the abuse, the memories, that ‘wondering feeling’ deep down so that you could get on with your life.  Or you have minimized the abuse you do remember by saying, “it really was not that big of a deal”.  But lately it has been surfacing unexpectedly. You’re no longer able to keep it buried. It’s having an impact on your dreams, your marriage, your parenting, your ability to trust and to be intimate. Perhaps you need answers to questions like, “Am I this way because of what happened to me as a child?”

But there may be another reason you’d rather not keep reading. Shame. The shame that whispers, “You’re to blame. You didn’t say no. You asked for it. You wanted it. You allowed it to continue. It’s. All. Your. Fault!” I’ve led hundreds of women through sexual healing, and more than half of them experienced some form of sexual abuse or trauma, as in rape. And every single one of them had at some point believed that they were to blame.

It’s a lie, a horrible, evil lie! You were not to blame. It is not your fault. You were a child. Children have no sexual desire, unless that sexual desire is awakened against their will. I’m praying for you. Praying that you won’t let the shame, fear or the lies keep you from claiming the truth. God’s truth is this: you are not alone. It wasn’t your fault. You can be healed. There is hope.

For further reading in this series:

How do I know if I’ve been sexually abused?
Why do I feel this way?
How do I know if I need healing?
Why do I struggle with sexual intimacy?
How can I heal from my sexual past? 

Would you like to talk to a mentor? Just use this form and you’ll get a personal, private response from your mentor, usually within a couple of days. Can we pray for you?

Recommended Reading:

On The Threshold of Hope by:  Diane Langberg
The Wounded Heart:  Hope For Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by:  Dan Allender
List of Barbara’s Books  Barbara covers many issues in her books including Sexual Abuse and much more.  Titles include:  Break Free From Your Sexual Past, Invisible Bond, Kiss Me Again: Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage

Communication? Money? Sex? For decades these issues have been said to be the top three reasons why marriages fail, and there’s no doubt that many marriages have blown up over these issues. But I feel they aren’t Number One anymore.

My experience is pointing to one growing complication. When you hear it, you won’t be surprised by what is.

Today’s Number One Marriage Killer: Unresolved Past Issues

Emotional baggage. Because it’s often buried so far beneath the surface, it may not seem to have the explosive force of financial or sexual problems. But the reality is it’s a deadly poison that can slowly eat away at a marriage from the inside out.

Everyone of us comes into marriage with a past, a personal history that impacts our future relationships. In fact, everyone comes with various degrees of unhealthiness, unresolved issues and the likelihood of blind spots. For some, it’s scars from phsical, emotional or sexual abuse. For others, it’s regrets surrounding past sexual behaviour. Increasingly, people enter marriage burdened by broken relationships, marital discord, alcoholism or other significant problems in their family of origin. On the flip side, those blessed enough to come from a healthy family often come with unrealistic ideas about what marriage is or what kind of lifestyle they expect to enjoy.

Some of these issues seem on the surface to be more serious than others. But any of them, if left unresolved, can grow and fester. Eventually, that poison permeates the whole person, affecting their freedom and their ability to think clearly, feel healthy and respond normally. That’s when it really begins to do damage in the marriage relationship.

Sometimes we avoid dealing with these issues head-on, thinking, “Well, maybe it’ll just go away.” Rarely does that happen. Time does not heal all wounds unless we take steps to facilitate that healing. So make a commitment to unpack your baggage. The health of your marriage and the balance of your family depend on it.

Face Your Blind Spots

As you begin to take stock of your life to see how your past is impacting your life today, it’s going to require three things: complete honesty, a willingness to go deep, and a trusted friend beyond just your spouse.

We all have a tendency to minimize our faults and problems. We downplay the importance of things that we don’t like, and in doing so we develop blindspots. Unpacking your baggage depends upon your readiness to admit, “I may have a problem here, and I’m willing to look at it.” You need to openly face your issues. The first step to healing is admitting that there’s a problem.

We have to also be brave enough to go below the surface. Maybe you’ve got a temper problem, and it’s very obvious. You’re kicking in doors, and it’s significantly affecting the temperature of your home. Well, the temper definitely needs to be dealt with. But just as importantly, you need to work to discover what lies behind the temper. Why do you so easily lose it? What brings you to the boiling point? What would it take to change your whole demeanor?

This is where the importance of a real friend comes in. By friend, I don’t just mean someone who will affirm us and reassure us that “It’s not that bad.” I’m talking about someone who is courageous enough and secure enough in our friendship to tell the truth: “You know what, Dave, the anger that you have sometimes – do you realize that you’re pretty selfish, you’re pretty preoccupied with your agenda?”

Sometimes we all need a kick to get us going in the right direction, just as we need encouragement when we are growing. Usually, this kind of accountability is best given by someone other than our spouse. It should be a longtime, same-sex friend who has our best interests at heart.

I know there are issues in my life that I just don’t see, and sometimes my wife is not the best person to help me see those things. I value the friends who play that critical role in my life. As Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” Don’t go for flattery. Get a friend who loves you enough to confront you.

Stop Blaming Others

You cannot unpack your baggage without first owning and embracing it. We naturally prefer to blame others. So many people spend their lives saying, “If only my Dad or my Mom had done this…if only this situation hadn’t happened…it’s not my fault.”

At some point you’ve got to take responsibility for what is yours; you have to take responsibility for today. Yes, other people have let you down, and you aren’t responsible for their actions. But you have a choice as to how you react to it. You can let it drag you down for life, or you can use it to grow stronger. You must decide to move on.

We’ve got to get past the blame game because that doesn’t change things. Many marriages are messed up because they’re stuck on the past – stuck on something someone did to them. Make a decision to take responsibility for your life from this time on. Take the initiative in making choices that will improve the situation going forward. Get the help you need. Don’t let yourself be weighed down by other people’s choices.

Freedom Comes from Freely Forgiving

Forgiveness is the critical final step towards gaining freedom from the hurts of your past. You need to come to a place where you let go of hurt that’s been caused.

No matter how violent it was, how deep it was, how prolonged it was, no matter how much affect there’s been on your life, understand that if you do not extend forgiveness, you are the person stuck with the bitterness and revenge. The person who hurt you will not be affected by your unwillingess to forgive them. But your resentment will rob you of the freedom to love your spouse and kids freely. A bitter person cannot effectively love others.

To let it go will not be easy. The person may not deserve it and may not even have asked for it, but you need to extend forgiveness because of what it will do for you. A huge weight will be lifted off your back. In fact, someone said that bitterness is like a knife in your own stomach, and it’s going around and around, carving you up. When you forgive, the knife comes out.

A marriage is only as healthy as the two people in it. How are you doing today? Are you carrying around 100-lb bags stuffed with the hurts and disappointments of the past? Put them down, and you will be amazed at how it lifts your marriage to a higher level.

Whatever your past, God can help you put it behind you for good. Take Jesus up on His promise: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matt. 11: 28-30). “If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:36)

Making the connection

Then there is the difference of what our minds are thinking about. She walks in the room looks at you a certain way and you are thinking, “All right, I know what is on her mind!” Actually you don’t. Guys, we can compartmentalize our thoughts and in an instant switch to the “sex” compartment just by looking at our wife’s body. For women everything is connected, meaning:  that look she gave you might not  even about you. Guys can focus and cut out distractions. Women usually have a more difficult time doing that. Because sex is so high in our thought processes we go there quickly. Women have a myriad of thoughts with sex being a lot lower especially when there are distractions around like kids needing attention, a deadline at work and the realization that there’s no milk in the fridge.

The challenge is that often women feel disconnected and distracted. One of the top reasons women give for not wanting sex is fatigue. As one woman said, “When I arrive home late from a busy day and then deal with my family’s demands the last thing on my mind is sex. I am just too pooped to party.” Plain and simple women are often just too tired.

Your wife desires you but demonstrates it in a very different way than you think it should be. We want sex, she wants to have you take notice of her, listen to her, snuggle with her,  help her with the dishes, and tell her she is beautiful, before her brain makes a transition into thinking sex. Meeting her bonding needs is huge for a woman. Does this mean if you do these things tonight she will be all over you? Doesn’t work that way. It’s not a switch you flip in your wife’s brain but here is the good news:

“We sure work hard to get good sex, and even then there are no promises. But I can promise you this: if you work hard to win your wife’s heart as you once did when she said “I do,” her emotional need for closeness, connection, and love will bring her back into your arms. There your chance of sparking a fire is most promising.”  Secrets of Happily Married Men P. 227  

Growing together

So now what? Tackle the real issues in your way. The obstacles to connecting with your wife have little (if anything) to do with your desirability.  You need to move past your incorrect thinking, “she does not desire me”.  Women are wired differently so most likely you have a connection issue.

Here is what I suggest: take a renewed interest in her and her needs. If you haven’t read the book the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman do it now and start the fun. I discovered that men are good at observation, even better than women. It has something to do with our ability to focus, so the challenge is to see what works. How does she best like you to express love to her?

I realized that I tried to love my wife the way I liked to receive love so I wrote her really nice cards with well thought-out wording.  Those were OK but I remember it dawning on me that if I cleared out the dishwasher I was really talking her language! I like words of affirmation and she likes acts of service. It has made a major difference in how I express love. I need to make sure I am meeting her need for bonding with me the way she wants it to occur. That means away from the bedroom and not just when I want sex.

Distractions is a big one and we have to realize women need a lot more time to get in the mood. It takes me 30 seconds and I’m sure you can beat that time but your wife is different. I discovered my wife had a huge distraction in that we had no lock on our bedroom door and she thought one on the kids might walk in on having sex. The very next day I put a lock on the door. My wife still calls this the fastest home improvement project I ever did! Eliminating distractions isn’t easy or always successful but there is often a lot we CAN do.

Fatigue. This is a no brainer.  What could you do to help more? Each time I do something I don’t really enjoy I usually tell myself (yes I talk to myself) that I am expressing love whether she sees it or not. Encourage her to get the rest she needs.  Your encouragement may help overcome guilt at taking a nap or going to bed early.

By the way when observation doesn’t get you the info you need you can always ask her. It took some time when I asked my wife how I could best express love and what her needs were but over time we have had a much clearer idea of how it works.

One more heads up with taking an interest in your wife, find out what she really enjoys in the bedroom.  Just because you enjoy something does not mean your wife loves it.  Communication is really important.  She is unique and no matter what the books, movies or internet says, you need to discover what she likes. Then become better at it. I know we all think we are hot in bed but there is always room for improvement. Make it a goal that when you are having sex, she enjoys it.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.

There was no love affair to blame, no abuse that had been hidden. Just a slow erosion, a drifting apart, a building of resentments until one felt there was nothing left. Broken hearts. Broken people. Broken home.

Divorce certainly is an option these days. The courts are filled with those who once never expected it could happen to them. The resulting damage in lives, children, extended family, in finances and self-esteem is creating havoc in our culture. Maybe you have entertained the “D” word yourself or even said it out loud. Yet before you set your foot on such a costly path, consider another “D” word which could be at work in your relationship – drift. Paying attention to it can help you move back from the brink of destruction that divorce will undoubtedly bring.

Drift happens
Busyness and the demands of work and family can leave a couple though once deeply in love, passing like roommates in the hall, drifting away from one another and from home. Steps can be taken to ward off drift or pull the relationship back when drift has happened.

Ask yourself if your relationship has drifted. There are ways to anchor your marriage securely and to soften hardening hearts so your marriage can be an enjoyment and even a treasure. Naming drift when you see it is the first step. Choosing to do something about it is next. The important thing is to know that DRIFT happens and you can overcome it.

D – Do things together

1. Make time together. “History together is built one event at a time.” In order to grow together you must spend time together. If your schedules are taking you in different directions with little time to experience life together then stop! Shift togetherness to a new priority. Run errands together, go for lunch, plan a date night. It can be simple but be intentional about stopping the drift before it happens. 
2. Eat together. Have at least one meal together daily. Get up 15 minutes early to have coffee/prepare dinner together. But you need to plan – it won’t just happen. Don’t eat all your meals together in front of the TV.
3. Limit technology. When you do have an evening at home together, set a time to turn off all electronics and visit. Make tea, or have a glass of wine and just be together.

R – Romance one another

1. Choose to be in love.Remember that this is the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with. Choose to love this person deeply. Choose to be in love. Just as you can choose to focus on the negative you can also choose to focus on the positive. Let loving-kindness be a daily goal. It’s your choice.
2. Make love-making a priority. The sexual bond is much more than just a physical connection. It is a bonding of two souls. It’s glue in a good marriage. It is meant to be fun, fulfilling and frequent. If this is an area of tension in your marriage then get some help. Past sexual experiences including those of abuse or promiscuity will bring their own baggage into your marriage. Keep porn out!  Plan intimate times.
3. Attention, affection, appreciation. This greatest sex advice ever given is to make it a priority to give your partner genuine attention, affection and appreciation. You will be amazed at how these three things will impact what happens not only in general but also in the bedroom.
4. Touch. Give lots of non-sexual touching too. When a relationship becomes strained all touching often stops. A hand on the arm, a quiet taking of the other’s hand, a kiss on the forehead can help melt tension and show you care.

 I – Invest in one another

1. Get away together. Whether it’s for an evening, a weekend, or a holiday, save time and resources to make “get-aways” a reality. Give yourselves the gift of couple time to focus on each other in a special way that day to day doesn’t allow.
2. Pursue each other. Keep courting each other. If the pursuit of each other’s heart has long gone by the wayside begin again to find small creative ways to say, “I want to be with you”. Recall things from your dating days; go for a picnic, even start with an evening walk. Pursue the one who once captured your heart.
3. Celebrate one another. Be your partner’s biggest fan and cheerleader. Celebrate small victories. Intentionally show that you support him/her.
4. Make bedtime count. As often as possible make bedtime the same for both of you. Lots of things can get in the way of this but make sure it happens often. One of the best things about marriage is going to bed together at the end of the day. This is a connecting time that should not be overlooked.

F – Fight right

1. Remind one another that you are on the same team. Differences of opinions are a healthy thing. Don’t be afraid of them. Choose how you will deal with them. When issues develop, choose a time when the “heat” has subsided. Each one gets the floor to express his or her thoughts on the issue. Flexibility and cooperation are the foundation stones to move forward.
2. Grow a heart of gratitude. Don’t let the daily rubbing and irritations rob you of seeing all the good. Take note of the things your partner does for you, for the family, for the upkeep of your home. Say “thank you” not just for actions but rediscover intentionally the great things about your partner and express appreciation.
3. Value your partner! When differences come this outlook will impact outcome.
4. Be a safe place. Assess your own attitude. Are you nagging, being critical or treating your partner like a child? You can begin to change the atmosphere in your home. Make it a safe place for your partner to share and be, without fear of criticism. You can start the pattern to change.
5. Accept your partner. Neither of you is perfect. Find some good in your partner every day and be thankful for it. Pray about the challenges. Plan a time to thoughtfully approach concerns with caring solutions in mind. Be open-minded to change. Be willing to be adaptable. Guard against a disapproving attitude. The subtle attitude of disapproval is deadly to your marriage.
6. Pray together. There is infinite wisdom in the advice to pray with and for your spouse. Going to God together with the complexities of life and sincerely and humbly inviting His power in to influence your home is life changing. If you can’t pray together yet, pray for your spouse daily. It will also help keep your own heart soft and your dependence on God as your help.

T – Talk

1. Share thoughts and ideas. Share interesting things from your day or your reading. Share your reactions to the things in your day because this is a way to share feelings too. Encourage your partner when he/she shares. Ask questions but don’t “interrogate”.
2. Listen. If one of you is not feeling “heard” then communication will eventually shut down. Resentment can filter in. Listen and don’t try to fix. Be interested.  Be intentional about building communication that has drifted. There may be unresolved hurts or there may just be a “drifting” into your corners. Listen with ears that hear and eyes that meet. If communication has all but stopped be patient and do your part to begin sharing and listening again.

Conclusion

Face the drift that may be happening in your marriage and don’t let divorce become your option. Put these steps into practice. Become that change you want to see in your marriage and you will keep drift away and divorce a non-issue.

I think that’s what God had in mind when He introduced marriage. Jesus says in Matthew 19: 4-5:

“The Scriptures record that from the beginning God made male and female and said ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’.”

Prayer to put God’s power into action in your home:

Father God,
Today I invite You into my marriage and into my heart in a fresh way. Thank you that You are the one who gives the power to change our home. Come and change me. Change my attitudes and my actions. Help me to be wise in re-building where we have drifted apart. Help me to be wise in my daily choices. Please restore, renew and replenish my love and passion within my marriage. Thank you for (name your partner). Turn my partner’s heart toward You and toward me in new ways as well. I ask this with thanksgiving in the powerful name of Jesus, amen.