I recently heard from a man struggling with the sexual past of a new love in his life.

Before you start judging him for his unforgiving attitude, let me tell you that he’s not alone.  I hear frequently from men and women whose sexual pasts don’t mirror their partner’s and they are filled with pain not only for them, but because of the mental images of them with another.  And they ask the same question. “I want to forgive, I want to forget, but how? I don’t know how. Please help me forgive.”

Forgiveness is not our gift to offer

I understand how difficult it is to work through the sexual past of someone we love. I can assure you that when your partner has a more extensive sexual history than you do, he or she feels the weight of this guilt and shame even more than you do.  Men and women in this position often struggle with feelings of unworthiness as well.

Forgiveness is not our gift to offer.  It’s God’s gift to us and through us. If you’ve been a Christian for a while, then you already know all the verses on forgiveness, and Jesus’ command that we forgive each other. In other words, you know you should, but knowing it and doing it are two very different things.

I believe forgiveness is so hard because we’re really not capable of it, at least, not on our own. In fact, the only reason we can forgive is because God first forgives us. In Isaiah 43:25 He says, “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” This is really amazing when you think of it. The one the bible says we actually sin against, the only one who has the right to hold our sins against us says He blots them out, eliminates them, and then going a step further says, He forgets them forever. You can choose not to forgive your friend, but in reality he or she didn’t sin against you, but rather against God. God has chosen to forgive them and forget their sins. So it leaves you with no other choice.

On your own, you can’t forgive, but through you, God can and does. Every day we choose to forgive, God uses us to be His forgiveness to others on earth. Married couples have the privilege of being the one God uses to offer love and forgiveness to each other every day for the rest of their lives. So how can you forgive and be God’s vessel of forgiveness to this one He’s brought into your life?

Here are six steps in the forgiveness process

1. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. We make the choice to forgive and trust God with the feelings. Whenever those thoughts come, simply say (out loud if that helps), Lord I choose to forgive_____ for _____. I’ll trust you with the feelings of forgiveness.God is faithful, before long, you’ll find the thoughts don’t come as often, and your feelings will be grace-filled and no longer painful. Eventually, you’ll find you’re not having those images of her with others so much, and even if you do, it won’t be associated with the same emotions as before.
2. God is really serious about forgiveness. In fact He says that if we want forgiveness from Him for our sins, we must forgive others their sins. Scary, right? The Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6 links receiving and offering forgiveness together: “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Then just two verses down Jesus says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” In other words, when we come to God for forgiveness, He’ll say, “First things first…forgive __________ for _________, and then I will forgive you.”
3. Ask God to help you see your friend as He does. I can assure you that God does not see her as a sinner. If she’s accepted Jesus as her Savior, than all God sees is someone righteous, holy, without blame or stain. The bible says God clothes us in righteousness because of Jesus. When He looks at us, He doesn’t see us as we see ourselves, sinful, dirty, and stained. He sees what Jesus’ blood has done for us…made us righteous and pure, acceptable to Him. If you can’t see her that way, ask God to give you His eyes to see here this way.
4. God is more concerned about what’s going on now with your friend than what happened in the past. Is she in a growing, loving relationship with Jesus now? Is she walking with God in obedience in her life now? God cares about where her heart is now, He’s already forgotten the past.
5. Healing is different than forgiveness. Although God forgives us for past sin, when it comes to sexual sin we still need healing. We still live with the pain, shame and wounds of the past that God wants to heal so that we can be free. I would encourage your friend to find healing for her past and to break the sexual bonds she created with past husbands and boyfriends, not only for herself, but for every present and future relationship she has.

God will help you forgive her because He’s already forgiven her. Unconditional love and forgiveness are the very definition of who God is. It’s something He’s asked us to do for each other. Now it’s your CHOICE. You just need to say “Yes, God I’ll forgive,” and let God take care of the rest. I know it sounds too simple. “There’s got to be something more,” you may protest. But that’s the best part of trusting God. He does make it simple. His power is real. It’s us who try to complicate things by doing it our own way.   

We can’t forgive in our own strength. It truly is a supernatural, divine action that requires God’s strength in and through us. That’s why choosing to forgive is the first step, because then God can take over and make it real in our lives.  Before long you will discover for yourself that your negative feelings are gone, that you have grace today where yesterday you had anger and resentment. That’s not to say that something won’t happen that will bring it up again, but that’s when you pick up your weapon again and say, “Lord I choose to forgive___ for ___. “

Remember this is a process and it takes time for the emotions to catch up with the decision.  When Jesus talked about forgiving seventy-times-seven I think this is what He meant.  Every time that old emotion of anger/un-forgiveness crops up, we just forgive again.  This way we don’t actually dwell on the un-forgiveness or negative emotion, rather we focus on the forgiveness part instead.   That will lead to freedom for you and in your relationship.  In the beginning it may need to happen daily or multiple times a day, but will eventually take hold and be permanent.

I promise, you can trust Him with this. Once you choose to forgive and say the words, God will take over and pour His forgiveness through you to her. It’s really that simple. Forgiveness is not our gift to offer.  It’s God’s gift to us and through us.

Take the next step:

Does forgiveness cancel out consequences?
Take a lesson: Find freedom in forgiveness
How to deal with emotional baggage

Is Your Family Ready for a Pet?
So, you’re thinking about opening your home, and your heart, to a new family member. And that is exactly what a new pet will become, an official member of the family. While this is certainly a very exciting decision, it is also one that carries a lot of weight with it. Picking a lifetime companion is an important decision making process that should not be overlooked or made hastily. Is your lifestyle pet-friendly? Read more

Take action: Feel like your life is becoming nothing but a series of demands? Explore our newly updated Dealing with Demands online interactive life lesson.

You said it: This week, jessie commented on College Sex&Love: What Men Want, saying “I have to say i absolutely loved your theory for the given topic!! It was personal, yet you remained uninvolved. Informative yet left one thinking.” Read the article and add your own thoughts: Read more

Article: Simple Ways to Energize your Summer
Try a few of these easy ideas that work for any body and remember how much fun summer can be. Read more

Video: Apple Reveals its Latest Tech @ WWDC
Find out what rumored improvements came true, and what pleasant surprises Apple has in store for their fans. Read more

Coming up next week: One of the topics of our upcoming online chats is “Can Anyone Really Know God?” Join us in the chat room June 14th 2009 @ 9:00pm EST for this chat or see also our full chat calendar for other upcoming topics.

(This clip is taken from the episode titled “Big Wedding, Little Marriage”)

For further information and to watch complete episodes of Marriage Uncensored visit their website at http://www.marriageuncensored.com/

Related reading:
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Finding the Real Me: Embracing My Sexual Identity

I was born on a tropical island to deliriously happy parents. My father was all man – robust, authoritative and protective, and my mother was all woman – delicate, fragile and supportive. I learned everything I could, believing I could be as good as my brothers. Although I couldn’t fully understand it, I knew deep down inside that there was something terribly wrong with me. I felt as if I was in the wrong body. Read the full article.

Take action: Learn how to be comfortable with who you are now, while trusting God to make you into all you were meant to be: Try our To Be Authentic With Christ online interactive life lesson.

You said it: This week mamaof5 shared on the Encouragement in Believing women’s devotional, saying “I’ve been walking through some difficult times and I’ve noticed that my faith did begin to falter. I noticed how dangerous this was becoming over easter. … It was a wake up call that I needed to return to Christ and allow Him to bring healing and comfort. God is good. Even in the midst of our greatest losses. He is always good, and it is great to be reminded of that.” Join the conversation on TheLife.com Devotional for Men and TheLife.com Devotional for Women, each updated daily!

In the News: Swine Flu Fear

News about “Swine Flu” has caused widespread concern, perhaps with memories of the SARS outbreak only a few years ago. Are you worried? Read more

Blog: When Someone Challenges the Bible

Here’s the situation: You’re talking with someone who’s not Christian, and they say something negative about the Bible. How should you respond? Learn how to respond truthfully and graciously on the Experience Blog

Coming up next week: One of the topics of our upcoming online chats is “Hindrances to Growth” Join us in the chat room May 2nd 2009 @ 12:15pm EST for this chat or see also our full chat calendar for other upcoming topics.

Just like the devil turns what is good into deception, diversion and destruction so this cake was in my life. It set the tone of what type of woman I had become at that time and would become years later.

When I turned twenty-one years old I decided, against the Holy Spirit’s conviction, to fly to California to see my ex-boyfriend. I was a new Christian, I had no Christian friends and I was accustomed to doing what I pleased and I decided to visit California. The flight was horrible, it felt like the plan was going to drop out of the sky and I was fearful the entire way. Once I was in sunny California the conviction was so overwhelming and I stayed in spite of.

When I saw the man I loved, at that moment nothing else mattered… or so I thought. Even though I was a new believer I was not the same woman. Things, circumstances and sin actually bothered me, so I knew then it was the Lord and not me. Also, I was away from my twin sister for the first time on our birthday and I felt guilty. I left Philadelphia for a man I knew I was not going to have longevity with and I felt I betrayed the bond with my twin. So it was all strange and heartbreaking at the same time.

The next day it was my birthday and I thought, “ I’m twenty one, officially grown and away from home what else could I ask for?” Since I was so accustomed to my mother making a big deal over my birthday I thought this day would be no different.  I woke up extra early with excitement and was disappointed. My boyfriend murmured “Happy Birthday” and told me my gifts were on the kitchen counter. Well surely, I thought, this is all leading up to the grand finale.

Yet it was not. As I stood there I saw half dead flowers, opened a card with words that didn’t apply to my relationship with him, balloons that had no meaning and then the shocker. I opened a fancy cake box and inside, by the looks and smell and the cut of the cake, I knew it was stale. I stood there and cried. I didn’t cry because I was three thousand miles away or even from the conviction of the Lord. I cried because the presentation on the outside appeared beautiful but the inside told of what he really thought of me.

I thought about this after the conversation with my friend. Here, sixteen years later, I had to ask myself, “Do I still accept stale cake?” After that relationship, year after year with different men I did continue to accept stale cake. I thought I was not worthy of love or acceptance or even kindness. So I had to challenge myself and ask, “If the so-called perfect man came along would I listen to God’s Word and wait on Him and would I submit to the will of the Holy Spirit?”

I would say yes to both. I am older and more mature in the Word of God now so of course I would. But I say that sitting here today dateless and boyfriend less. If the seemingly perfect moment came, against all I have been taught, would stale cake be good enough again?

As I get older it sometimes seems there are less prospects. Even at church women out number men. Co-workers think my righteous singleness is the daily joke. They ask, “ How can I live a life pleasing to God and He leave me single and childless?” I ponder.

When everyone around me is getting married and my friends are on their second and third child, I ponder. When Christmas, Thanksgiving and every other holiday is just a day off with pay, I ponder. With every family get together the snide remarks and funny looks with them wondering at my age why am I still single, I ponder.

After that conversation driving home all alone I talked to the Lord about it all. I told Him that it seemed He is moving slowly in the love department and even slower with dates. I went over the list of things He has done in my life and how He has been faithful throughout and how my frustration with each passing year becomes more frustrating. The Lord is so loving, He listened to me basically talk like a crazed woman in my car. He listened to my complaints and heard my cries of hurt. He even listened to my famous lists that I seem to give Him weekly. He let me get it all out.

I realized then that the Lord is the perfect gentleman. He never interrupted, He didn’t yell back and He didn’t get angry with me because I questioned Him. What He did was give me rest and comfort. He told me that it was all right to be frustrated and that He loved me.

I know you’re wondering if He showed me my husband or told me when I would have a date. No, He didn’t. Yet what He did show me is that He gives me the best, never seconds and never something that I would question His love for me. Yes, it’s still frustrating at times and yes, I am no closer to a wedding aisle than yesterday. But I know the Lord has worked in my life through healing my emotions from scarred relationships. And at this point in my life I can maturely ask myself if I would accept stale cake actually shows my growth in Him.

At one time I wouldn’t have challenged myself on what I should not accept. So through that conversation with my friend and the Lord’s comfort to me, my question turned to a new one. “Why would I accept from someone anything that God Himself would never give me?”

That is when I finally knew that I am becoming the woman that God wanted!

Struggling with waiting for God’s best? Confide in a mentor who’s ready to walk the road with you.

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But… I love to be in love

Ok. Let’s read the run-down. We’ve got sporting events, book clubs, church, blind dates, art galleries, weddings, the internet, parties, work, vacation and you can never fully rule out a random gas station run-in or grocery store check-out line. This is my, off-the-top-of-my-head, list of where to meet guys.

You could go to a seminar where they could “uncover” where to meet guys or you could just take a daily tally of where you find yourself and look around. Guys are half the population, so they’re there. If all the advice on guys were piled high on a desk, the legs would have buckled and split a long time ago. There’s a lot out there.

When it comes to love, I’m not a critic or a pessimist. I’ve met. I’ve dated. I’ve loved. I’ve really loved. I’m not convinced by my own where-to-meet-a-man list. I’ve never met a guy through mutual interests, I’m not going to audition for online dating, and wandering around an art gallery has never garnered anything but a greater appreciation for art, not men.

So, I guess unless I’m ready to become a regular at a sports bar or start walking the dog I borrowed from a friend, I’m officially waiting on love the hard way.

This all just brings me to more questions. And while the world scrutinizes how many minutes it takes for a man to know if he wants a second date, I’m here wondering: Where is he? There are billions and I only desire one; one good one.

So what does it take? What’s the approach? I’ve learned the answer comes in one word: God.

I’ll spare you the sermon and shoot straight. I’ve been in relationships: The first one, the short one, the long one, the long-distance one and the I-thought-I-was-going-to-marry-you one. And every single time the only thing that has carried me out of heartache and brought me towards greater things, is Him. When tears blurred my vision and my chest physically ached, He sat with me in the pile of shattered pieces. He has held me steadfast through all the questions and through all the relationships.

Yes, love can be disheartening. I know what it feels like to wonder if that guy is out there and then watch your hope slowly dry up. But what has renewed my cracked heart are God’s promises and words for me. Just a couple weeks ago, when I truly doubted if God speaks directly to me through His Word, I read this:

“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.” Psalm 71:20-21

I looked up from my Bible and experienced only stillness. My heart has fresh stitches and I wonder when I will ever repair, but when I read that, I knew it was for me. God will bring me up again. He will comfort me once again. He did speak to me through His word.

And you know what I’ve learned? Not only that God will heal my heart, but also that He has always had what is best for me in mind, including this business of a husband. Not one that I’ve hunted down like a bloodhound or had to log in 1000 hours of internet time to find, but one that He raised up so someday we would come across each other and honor Him in our lives together.

See, the thing is, God knows me. Before I was made in my mother’s womb, He knew me (Jeremiah 1:5). He knows when a thought comes to my mind or when I go from here to there (Psalm 139:2-3). He has determined the time set out for me and the places where I would live (Acts 17:26). He knew all the days that I would live before I began my first one (Psalm 139:16). My name is written on His hand (Isaiah 49:16) and it has been there since the beginning.

On top of all of that, He knows the man who is best for me. So what comforts my soul is that I don’t have to worry about it. He is so divinely aware of who I am, much more than I will ever know myself. My judgment is bruised and biased; His is complete and infinite. Trusting Him about a husband is a beautiful relief.

Just as God is familiar with every part of me, He knows you; completely; inside and out. If He knows what kind of man I want to marry, He knows the same of you. I don’t know where you’re at: if you’re fresh off a train wreck or haven’t been in the dating game for awhile. Or maybe you can’t find the strength to look for the far-flung pieces of your heart; I know that place. But lock eyes with God, the one who will brush the dirt off of your heart and redeem you. Put your hope in Him. Put your trust in Him. Put your wounded heart in His hands.

The Bible says that those who do this will not be disappointed. God will delight in you, be good to you and promises to keep His eyes on whoever puts her hope in Him.

You are all too familiar with the cultural hoopla too.  I don’t want to “cheat-proof” my relationship. I don’t want to memorize 12 tips to nab a man or the 24 ways to keep him. I don’t want to be taught how to interrogate an “emotionally-unavailable” man and you can keep your “insider tips”.

I’m going to trust in God. Not because He’s my guru or my cop-out. But because He is Almighty. He is Adonai. He is King of Kings. He bears these tremendous titles and yet I have never experienced such a tender touch on a broken heart, on a heart longing for its counterpoint.  Yes… I will trust in Him.

“But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you,” Psalms 39:7

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Choices that are made without knowledge of potential consequences cannot be considered choices at all. In order to choose, one must know and understand the options. Despite attempts to provide extensive education to teens about sexuality, many adolescents are still woefully ignorant about the reality of STDs in the world today. Accordingly, it is important to consider approaches to dealing with the problem of teen sex.

Peer pressure and influence

The lifestyles and attitudes of friends have a profound impact on teens. An article in a psychology journal notes, “One of the strongest predictors of adolescent behavior is the perceived or actual behavior of friends.”[1] Adolescents who have close friends that are sexually involved are much more likely to become sexually involved as well. Teens frequently believe that they will gain respect from their peers and be more accepted if they are following perceived social norms, in this case if they are sexually experienced.

Teen males may perceive that they will be viewed as “more of a man” if they talk about or become involved in sexual activity. The fear of being labeled within their peer group if they do, or do not, engage in certain activities can influence decisions and choices. Perceptions about the behavior of older teens also may have a significant impact as younger teenagers often “desire to seem older and begin adopting slightly older adolescents’ behavior to seem mature.” [2]

Because of limited life experience, teens are particularly vulnerable to being absorbed by cliques and being heavily influenced by trends and fads. Recognizing this potent force, an article in Postgraduate Medicine makes the blunt recommendation that, as part of a strategy for promoting healthy decision-making in the area of sexual involvement, physicians encourage parents to monitor their children’s friends and to discourage close friendships with peers who exhibit problem behaviors.

Media messages

Not surprisingly, it has been found that adolescents who are exposed to a lot of sexual content on television are more likely to believe that intercourse outside of a marriage relationship or with multiple partners without protection against pregnancy or disease, is harmless and perhaps even desirable. These findings plainly throw into question the view that teenagers are able to fully separate the media depictions of prolific no-consequence sexual activity and their own sexual practices.

Teens are relentlessly bombarded with sexual messages and imagery in media, entertainment, advertising, and in some types of music. Parents need to be aware of the focus on sex in popular culture and must prepare their teens to deal with the onslaught of sexual imagery. They must find out what is being communicated to their offspring and must become part of the educational process. A vast amount of sometimes contradictory information is being presented to teens. It is vital that parents help their teens to develop critical thinking skills, which will allow teenagers to analyze the information they hear and will hopefully protect them from health endangering choices.

Parental guidance

While family intervention is not generally specified as a definitive approach for reducing STDs, the apparent influence that parents can have on adolescent sexual behaviors suggests that the most efficient way to decrease risky activities may be to encourage parents to become fully involved in the sexuality education of their offspring. While many may feel like bystanders in their teenagers’ lives, parents must take responsibility for playing a role in the promotion of healthy lifestyles. They need to promote ongoing dialogue with their teens about relationships and sexuality. Through both teaching and active monitoring of social and other activities, they need to protect their offspring from counterproductive influences and potential abuse. And, in addition, parents need to give overt guidance regarding appropriate and safe dating relationships.

Adolescents who have a close relationship with their parents tend to be responsive to their parents’ attitudes and advice about important issues including sexuality. Despite the many reasons which may cause a parent to feel uncomfortable with this topic, it is absolutely crucial that communication begins in the pre-teen years with general discussions of appropriate relationships and life goals, and that these conversations later progress to all aspects of sexuality, including STDs.

Open communication will also facilitate a parent’s ability to monitor the information that their teen is hearing in the media or in educational and social settings. Remember that any discomfort experienced by parents or teens is short term. The knowledge and benefits accrued are long term.

Some factors that protect against early sexual activity:

• discussion of issues related to sexuality between parents and children
• parental monitoring of dating
• balance of committed love and moderately strict discipline in the home
• good relationship between the parents
• both parents actively and emotionally involved with teen
• good performance and motivation at school
• post-secondary educational plans
• regular religious participation
• high self-esteem
• parental monitoring of media
• close friends who avoid high-risk behaviors and who are not sexually involved
• consistent message from educators to postpone sexual activity

By talking openly to teenagers about different aspects of relationships, by discussing the potential long-term implication of early sexual involvement, and by teaching adolescents to think critically about what they see and hear, parents can empower their teens to deal with challenges and adverse influences

The decisions made by teens regarding sexual behavior will have a significant impact on the rest of their lives. Parents need to encourage adolescents to consider questions such as the following:

• Will the choices I am making today allow me to live a healthy life in the future?
• Will these choices allow me to become the person I want to be?
• Will my current lifestyle deter me from reaching my goals and dreams?

Adapted from Teen Sex: Reality Check by Dr. Stephen Genuis, M.D. and Shelagh K Genuis BScOT.

~ Dr. Stephen Genuis has worked as a full time Obstetician for many years and has had the honor of delivering more than six thousand babies. He has numerous publications in medical literature on various topics but most importantly he is Shelagh’s husband and his kids’ “Pa.” You can order Dr. Genuis’ books at Winfield House.

1 Dolcini MM, Adler NE. Perceived competencies, peer group affiliation, and risk behavior among early adolescents. Health Psychol 1994; 13:496-506.

2 Kinsman SB, Romer D, et al. Early sexual initiation: the role of peer norms. Pediatrics 1998; 102:1185-1192.