Studies show that about 40 million adults regularly visit Internet pornography sites (Microtrends, 2007, p. 276). That’s more than ten times the amount of people who regularly watch baseball. Which one, again, is America’s pastime? In fact, the ubiquity of porn is so great that it has now become the norm. Consider some statistics about pornography today:

- 70 percent of porn is downloaded between 9 am and 5 pm. 20 percent of men admit to accessing it while at work.
- In 2003, Today’s Christian Woman reported that 53 percent of men at that year’s Promise Keepers Convention admitted visiting a porn site the week before.
- According to Leadership Journal, 40 percent of pastors admit to visiting a pornographic website.
- Revenue from Internet porn exceeds by nearly a 2 to 1 ratio, the combined revenues of ABC, CBS, and NBC (Microtrends, 277)
- 25% of all searches are for sex, which is the number one search term people plug into Google and Yahoo!
- Sales of pornographic material on the Internet surpass the cumulative sales of all other products sold online (George Barna, Boiling Point: It Takes One Degree: Monitoring Cultural Shifts in the 21st Century, p. 223)
- 70% of 18-24 year-olds visit a pornographic website in a typical month (Pamela Paul, Pornified, 15).
- Average age of first Internet exposure to pornography is 11 years old (www.familysafemedia.com).

The pornography revolution

Consider three ways pornography has changed over the past few years. First, it is more accessible. People used to have to travel to seedy parts of town to get pornography, but now it comes looking for us—and our kids—while we surf the Internet or watch cable TV. Mark Penn, author of Microtrends says, “Where this may have the greatest impact is with teens who once bought illicit magazines, and then acquired videos. Now they have access through the Web” (p. 278). One result, he says, is that the age of first sexual contact is decreasing.

Second, pornography is now more accepted. Pornography is now seamlessly integrated into popular culture. Just ask yourself a simple question: When was the last time you heard the merits of pornography even being debated? For the most part the debate has died down, because it has become largely accepted. Women’s magazines regularly discuss porn but from a new perspective—how women can introduce it into their own lives. One Rolling Stones article said, “Until recently, public fraternizing with a porn star was pretty much a no-no; now it lends the musicians an aura of danger and intrigue.” A 2004 video game entitled, The Guy Game features women exposing their breasts when they answer questions incorrectly, available for X-Box and Playstation 2. It didn’t even get an “Adults-only” rating. In Pornified Pamela Paul observed, “Girls today emulate porn stars in the same way earlier generations gyrated to Madonna” (184). Pornography is largely accepted in society.

Third, pornography is more aggressive. Porn has become increasingly violent and nonconsensual. In one study, 25% of porn magazines showed some form of violence, ranging from verbal aggression to torture to mutilation, compared with 27% of pornographic videos. Usenet groups on the Internet depicted violence 42% of the time (Pornified, 58). The lines between hard-core and soft-core pornography are no longer distinguishable—everything is available easily online. Pamela Paul noted: “Soft-core pornography has become part and parcel of the mainstream media. The majority of men interviewed for this book [Pornified] did not consider Playboy—once the epitome of the genre—to even be pornography at all, because it doesn’t depict actual sex acts. ‘True’ pornography today is confined to the hardcore.” (5)

Pornography shapes a worldview

Viewing pornography shapes the worldview of young people (and really, all people). Sadly, pornography is now the primary place that kids learn about sex. In Forbidden Fruit, Mark Regnerus notes that, “Filmmakers understand that Internet pornography is certainly the primary—and for some, only—sexual education that teenagers now receive. Debates about whether educators will or will not address oral sex or anal sex or condoms or gay or lesbian sex are quickly becoming utterly irrelevant, since a few clicks of a mouse will bring any of us to a demonstration of exactly how each is performed and ‘experienced’” (p. 59). In one study, 60% of boys said they had learned “some” or “a lot” from porn” (Forbidden Fruit, 189).

The problem is that kids tend to think that sex online is not only real sex (sometimes it is), but normal sex. Consider just some of the implicit messages of heterosexual pornography: (1) all women want sex from men; (2) Women like all sexual acts men perform or demand; (3) Any woman who does not at first realize this can be persuaded with a little force.

Without exception, the more porn people watch, the more likely they are to believe that others are sexually active and adventurous. Porn gives the idea that sexual pleasure can be entirely divorced from a healthy relationship. In a study of 600 junior high school students over 66% of the males and 40% of females reported wanting to try out some of the sexual behaviors they had witnessed. In high school 31% of the males and 18% of the females admitted actually doing some of the things they had seen in the porn within a few days after exposure (Donna Rice Hughes, Kids Online: Protecting Your Children in Cyberspace).

Why is pornography so appealing?

Pornography meets a deeper need in many men (and women) beyond physical pleasure. For instance, porn depicts sex as an easy process, which is a welcome refuge for many young people from the difficult world of sexual politics they encounter every day. The user is put in complete control. In reality, men can reject women and make them feel inferior. But porn, on the other hand, offers sex without risk, vulnerability and humiliation. In Pornified, Pamela Paul says, “In the porn fantasy, a guy is no longer that tech geek that nobody liked in junior high school or the awkward college student lacking in social skills. In his mind’s eye—despite a paucity of dates and a sexual history confined to the girl from math class—he has always gotten the woman he wants.” (44)

Pornography is so alluring to young people is because many lack the healthy relationships God designed them to have. When we do not have intimate, healthy relationships, we are susceptible to all kinds of addictions, including pornography. In Hurt (2005), youth ministry expert Chap Clarks notes that one of the defining characteristics of young people today is their sense of loneliness from broken relationships with significant adults. No wonder so many are drawn to pornography.

What can we do?

Here are some quick thoughts for parents, youth workers, teachers, and others who care about reaching young people who struggle with Internet porn.

First, in talking to kids about sex and pornography it’s important to balance expectations with information. Most conservatives tend to talk about values, but not discuss the realities of pornography. Mark Regnerus, author of Forbidden Fruit, observed, “Balancing information about sexuality with expectations about boundaries is a rare but optimal approach to a well-rounded, morally sensitive sexual socialization and is appreciated by most teenagers” (204).

Second, Create open dialogue with your kids or kids you work with. Once again Mark Regnerus said, “Open dialogue about sex is clearly not the norm among devoutly religious families” (75). Be willing to listen, share, and engage in genuine discussion about this critical topic.

Third, don’t just discuss the negatives of pornography, but praise the benefits of God-ordained sex. Most young people are getting only a negative message about sex, but we have to show that God’s design for sex is clearly the best.

Fourth, never judge or shame a young person. Let them know that your opinion of them has not changed. Kids will shut down if they think you are looking down on them or judging them.

And of course, preach forgiveness and grace. Let kids know and personally experience the incredible grace of God. No one by their own strength can defeat the temptations of this world. In fact, it’s only when we truly admit our weakness that we can truly be strengthened by God to succeed.

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The Affects of Porn on Marriage
Sex Addiction
Struggling with porn? Talk to us.

For an increasing number of women, the honeymoon is really over!  The challenge is that while a husband and wife are two very unique people who mesh their lives together, each brings different needs, strengths and expectations into their marriage.  They are looking forward to years of married bliss.  A husband may feel quite satisfied with the way that things are, (not having sex) but a wife may find instead a growing disillusionment that turns to deep cravings for something more . . .  More than what her husband is able or willing to give.

Cravings generally build when desires are not satisfied.  According to current statistics, between 10% and 50% of men experience a decreased sexual libido at some point during their lives.  (the stats are hard to discern, because people won’t talk about this issue, culture depicts men as sex crazed and he is not, both he and his wife wonder, “what’s wrong?”) This imbalanced libido in the marriage can be embarrassing for men whose wives desire more sex and intimacy as time goes on.  I give this statistic only to show that sex-starved wives are not alone!

Unconditional love and acceptance are what both husbands and wives crave, most of all. How that love and acceptance are expressed to each other during the challenging seasons of marriage will be key in relighting the sexual fire.  This is a key foundation for a couple which enables them to grow closer through the years.  What drew the two of you together in the first place?  Remember together those early days of dating, and the good memories that you have of being together.  It is easy to take each other for granted as the years go by, so be aware and fight that trend together.

Acknowledging differing libidos is the issue not your spouse

Acknowledge the differing libidos as the issue; not your spouse as the problem.  Blaming each other takes your focus off the real issue and depletes energy needed for the real issue.  Know you are not alone by acknowledging the fact that in all marriages there are two different libidos, at some point.  This leaves one partner with unsatisfied sexual cravings.  The goal is to make a commitment to discuss the issue.  Each needs to be willing to adjust to the way things are (not the way “I wish they were”) with shared responsibility for solving the problem is.

Many women are tempted to give up.  Women who write to me express anger, hurt, and resentment towards their mate.  Some question whether divorce is the only option.  They don’t want to live in what appears to be a “love-less” marriage for the rest of their lives!  There is hope, so don’t give up too easily.

Natural divide? Make it two parts that work towards compromise.

In her book, Sex-Starved Wife, Michele Weiner Davis says not to give up on the marriage, even if sex is not happening.  If a woman wants more sex, or feels deprived of intimacy, Weiner Davis identifies the solution is in the couple’s commitment to their marriage and willingness to identify what is not working without laying blame.

Some readers might feel that Davis puts too much responsibility on the wife to fix this problem.  It seems reasonable, however, for the person who is the most dissatisfied to initiate the discussion.  She also needs to consider that the success of her marriage is more important than getting her way.

Your marriage is worth the effort!

Clearly the author believes all marriages are worth the effort.  Divorce is not the answer; it does not produce the desired result either!  She also believes whatever the problem, there is a solution.  No problem or challenge in the area of sexual intimacy is impossible to solve!  It may mean that your husband needs to see a doctor who can diagnose and prescribe something to help, but as long as you are being a supportive and caring wife, he will hopefully be motivated to do this for your marriage.

This book is for women who want to work on their marriages and are willing to try different approaches in order to communicate their love for their husband.  Those who want to influence (not force) change in their sexual relationship. Weiner Davis practically coaches women to realize that if what they’re doing to encourage their husbands is not working, stop doing it!  She suggested to one woman to go out with the girls in the evenings and allow absence to make his heart grow fonder (but you will have to read the book to get the full details of what happened!).

Negativity leads to emotional prison

Weiner Davis encourages women not to think negatively about themselves or their husbands!  Those who engage in negative internal messaging destroy self esteem. This leads to getting stuck in an emotional prison; while pulling her husband into it as well.  Not very helpful!

How should two people work out an agreeable arrangement in the area of sexual intimacy?  Traditionally, it’s the spouse who wants less sex that seems to get his/her way, even if the other spouse is unhappy.  The book acknowledges this fact, but gives helpful hints for how to encourage each partner to “give” a little in the area of sexual intimacy, so that both can benefit.

If you want change in your sexual relationship, change must start with you! You can try every method under the sun to effect change in your husband, but his disinterest in sex has evolved for a reason.  Please do not hear me saying that this is your fault.  It most likely has nothing to do with you, but you should assume your own responsibility for effecting change in your relationship.

Tips on how to deal with unhappiness

How you deal with unhappiness is important.  Here are some key tips to help your relationship:

1)     Share your concerns. Use “I” statements, not “you.”  He needs to know how important intimacy is to you, in order to be motivated to initiate or respond to sex more, since his drive or need for sex is less than yours.

2)      Refuse to think negatively.  Don’t look for someone to blame.  Resist getting angry, bitter or critical, which are not helpful life-changing emotions.

3)      Focus on the positive.  Express appreciation for all that your spouse does to contribute to the success of your marriage (working hard at a job to support the family, taking care of the yard work, maintenance of the house, etc.).  Don’t take anything he does for granted.  Be thankful for your husband, and be genuine and consistent in expressing your thankfulness and appreciation!

4)      Listen. Allow your husband to share his perspective on sexual intimacy, even if he does blame you, or seems unwilling to change his behaviour.  He may feel embarrassed by the topic, or defensive and feel criticized unjustly.  You need to know what is happening, from his perspective.

5)      Refuse to become overly emotional. Avoid extreme emotions in your communication, or being emotionless in your responses to him. Reach out and touch him as a means of showing that you care.  Don’t hold your arms tightly to your chest, or otherwise nonverbally express negative emotions.

6)      Work together on a solution. Seek a win/win solution that takes little steps towards what you both want in your sexual intimacy.  Don’t overwhelm yourself (and him) with more than you can change; be realistic.  Agree to do one thing, to make one change.  More than likely, it has taken awhile for you to drift apart and it will take time to begin to pull back together again.

7)      Commit to the principle: It is more blessed to give than receive. Seek ways to please and satisfy your partner and generally you will lay the foundation for a growing satisfying level of sexual intimacy.

Understand your partner’s “love language”; learn and understand their love language so you can fill their emotional love tank.  This helps express how much you care about him!

Love Language – Video

Help My Husband Doesn’t want sex – article

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Are you a woman struggling with porn?
Is porn taking over your marriage?

If you could have any wish come true, what would you wish for?

I have often wondered what decisions Ashley made that caused such deep scars in her life. Was she struggling with guilt or depression from a seemingly “harmless” hook-up? Did she get a sexually transmitted disease? Did she have an abortion? My heart went out to Ashley because I could see the pain on her face as she so deeply regretted her past choices. Somewhere she bought a false idea about sex, acted on it, and now she is paying a heavy price. Ashley learned a painful, yet powerful lesson: ideas have consequences. What you believe about sex will affect your choices, and your choices will shape the direction of your life. Misunderstanding the purpose and nature of sex can have disastrous consequences. So, what is the purpose of sex? And how can we find true love in a hook-up world?

THE PURPOSE OF SEX

The Bible makes it clear that God has designed sex between and husband and wife for three primary reasons:

1. Procreation. It hardly comes as a surprise to most people to hear that one of the primary purposes of sex is to make babies. Genesis 1:28 says, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth.”

2. Unity. One of the most powerful aspects of sex is its ability to bond people together. The writer of Genesis says, “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one” (2:24, NLT).

3. Pleasure. Believe it or not, God made sex for pleasure! Many Scripture references make this clear (Proverbs 5:18-19; Song of Solomon). God designed sex between and husband and wife to be enjoyable, but sadly so many young people today are settling for a second-rate experience rather than holding out for God’s best in marriage.

THE HOOK-UP WORLD

One of the greatest deceptions of our hook-up culture is the idea that sex is merely about pleasure. This is why comparisons are often made between sex and food. Eating is certainly one of life’s greatest pleasures (no one can beat my wife’s incredible spaghetti!). However, does it follow from this that anyone can eat anything he wants with a guarantee that he will never gain weight, get heart disease or high blood pressure? Of course not! One purpose of eating is for pleasure, but, like sex, it has other purposes and boundaries in which it is designed for. If you think sex is just for pleasure or individual fulfillment, you will most likely encounter disappointment, heartache and negative consequences in your life just as if you think eating is merely for pleasure. The hook-up phenomena ignores a crucial truth about sex—that it is not merely about pleasure, but also about procreation and unity.

The attempt to get around the unity aspect of sex is what troubles me so greatly about the “hook-up” phenomena among young people today. The idea of hooking-up is that two people can enjoy sexual acts without having any more ties to their partner. Some hook up for intercourse, while others hook up for oral sex. One young girl said, “People just get really weirded out by each other. Neither of the people are willing at all to talk about their feelings. That’s why it’s easier to hook-up with someone as opposed to talking to him.” Hooking-up seems to be a way to avoid commitment and painful breakup. The reality is that many young people report feelings of loneliness and regret after such encounters. The reason young people often feel empty after a hook-up is that they ignore the fact that sex creates a bond between partners.

SO, WHAT’S WRONG WITH HOOKING UP?

The underlying understanding of casual hook-up sex is that there are absolutely no obligations between the partners. We do what we want with no further constraints on each other. We simply have fun, and then go on our way. You continue on with your life, and I will continue on with mine. No harm done. So, what’s the big deal?

When I hear this argument from young people I ask them to consider the following example: Imagine you had a hook-up encounter with a student at your school. You continue on with your life as if nothing happened. But then, a few weeks later, the school newspaper comes out and he or she has written a cover story rating your performance. And then you walk in the gym and see a huge banner rating you. How would that make you feel?

You would likely be greatly upset by these actions. But the key question is “why?” What right do you have to be upset? If, in fact, a hook-up is merely about sexual pleasure and there are no further obligations between partners, then your partner can do whatever she likes with the encounter. If you don’t like it, you should have chosen somebody else to sleep around with.

When you stop to think about it, you realize that she violated a sacred trust between the two of you. Common decency prevents most people from doing such a hurtful thing. Why do we consider this to be common decency? The reason is because sex creates a shared space between two people. The sexual act creates a “we” out of two “I’s.” The sexual story becomes our story. And this is the way God designed it to be. When two people have sex they are uniting themselves in body, soul, and spirit. This is why I so often hear young people who were sexually active say, “After we broke up, I felt like I left a piece of myself behind.” The bonding created by sex is the glue that helps two spouses stick together for life.

DON’T BUY THE LIE

Don’t buy the lie that a hook-up encounter will fill up your heart. The Bible offers a much more fulfilling view of human relationships. Don’t allow one moment of “pleasure” to spoil a lifetime of real pleasure with your future spouse. Imagine yourself a few years down the road when you are married to the one you love: Do you want to have to tell him/her about your past sexual encounters? Do you want images of other people you have slept with creeping in on your intimacy with your spouse? Probably not. We are most fulfilled when we follow God’s plan for sexuality. After all, He created sex in the first place and knows what’s best for us.

Take the next step:
The problem with multiple sex partners 
Sexual Healing
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This resource coupled with a professional opinion would be even better.  We recommend that you go ask your medical doctor to rule out any physical issues.  We also recommend a counselor for emotional or psychological help.  If this issue is impacting your marriage, you need to find help together with a counselor.  For those with psychological issues perhaps due to abuse we strongly recommend seeing a psychologist, someone who specializes in abuse issues if that issue pertains.

We have mentors ready to talk to you at any time. Mentoring is free and confidential.

Related Books

General Sexual information:

• The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment by: Cliff and Joyce Penner
• The Good Girls’ Guide to Great Sex By: Sheila Wray Gregoire
• Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex by: Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus

Intimacy Restored:

• Kiss Me Again: Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage by: Barbara Wilson
• Restoring the Pleasure Complete Step-by-Step Programs to Help Couples Overcome the Most Common Sexual Barriers by Cliff and Joyce Penner

Sexual Abuse Recovery:

• On The Threshold of Hope by: Diane Langberg
• The Wounded Heart: Hope For Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by: Dan Allender
• The Wounded Heart Workbook: A Companion Workbook for Personal or Group Use by: Dan Allender

Sexual Past:

• The Invisible Bond: How to Break Free From Your Sexual Past by: Barbara Wilson

Libido Issues:

• The Sex Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido by: Michele Weiner Davis
• The Sex Starved Wife: What To Do When He’s Lost Desire by: Michele Weiner Davis

Making the connection

Then there is the difference of what our minds are thinking about. She walks in the room looks at you a certain way and you are thinking, “All right, I know what is on her mind!” Actually you don’t. Guys, we can compartmentalize our thoughts and in an instant switch to the “sex” compartment just by looking at our wife’s body. For women everything is connected, meaning:  that look she gave you might not  even about you. Guys can focus and cut out distractions. Women usually have a more difficult time doing that. Because sex is so high in our thought processes we go there quickly. Women have a myriad of thoughts with sex being a lot lower especially when there are distractions around like kids needing attention, a deadline at work and the realization that there’s no milk in the fridge.

The challenge is that often women feel disconnected and distracted. One of the top reasons women give for not wanting sex is fatigue. As one woman said, “When I arrive home late from a busy day and then deal with my family’s demands the last thing on my mind is sex. I am just too pooped to party.” Plain and simple women are often just too tired.

Your wife desires you but demonstrates it in a very different way than you think it should be. We want sex, she wants to have you take notice of her, listen to her, snuggle with her,  help her with the dishes, and tell her she is beautiful, before her brain makes a transition into thinking sex. Meeting her bonding needs is huge for a woman. Does this mean if you do these things tonight she will be all over you? Doesn’t work that way. It’s not a switch you flip in your wife’s brain but here is the good news:

“We sure work hard to get good sex, and even then there are no promises. But I can promise you this: if you work hard to win your wife’s heart as you once did when she said “I do,” her emotional need for closeness, connection, and love will bring her back into your arms. There your chance of sparking a fire is most promising.”  Secrets of Happily Married Men P. 227  

Growing together

So now what? Tackle the real issues in your way. The obstacles to connecting with your wife have little (if anything) to do with your desirability.  You need to move past your incorrect thinking, “she does not desire me”.  Women are wired differently so most likely you have a connection issue.

Here is what I suggest: take a renewed interest in her and her needs. If you haven’t read the book the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman do it now and start the fun. I discovered that men are good at observation, even better than women. It has something to do with our ability to focus, so the challenge is to see what works. How does she best like you to express love to her?

I realized that I tried to love my wife the way I liked to receive love so I wrote her really nice cards with well thought-out wording.  Those were OK but I remember it dawning on me that if I cleared out the dishwasher I was really talking her language! I like words of affirmation and she likes acts of service. It has made a major difference in how I express love. I need to make sure I am meeting her need for bonding with me the way she wants it to occur. That means away from the bedroom and not just when I want sex.

Distractions is a big one and we have to realize women need a lot more time to get in the mood. It takes me 30 seconds and I’m sure you can beat that time but your wife is different. I discovered my wife had a huge distraction in that we had no lock on our bedroom door and she thought one on the kids might walk in on having sex. The very next day I put a lock on the door. My wife still calls this the fastest home improvement project I ever did! Eliminating distractions isn’t easy or always successful but there is often a lot we CAN do.

Fatigue. This is a no brainer.  What could you do to help more? Each time I do something I don’t really enjoy I usually tell myself (yes I talk to myself) that I am expressing love whether she sees it or not. Encourage her to get the rest she needs.  Your encouragement may help overcome guilt at taking a nap or going to bed early.

By the way when observation doesn’t get you the info you need you can always ask her. It took some time when I asked my wife how I could best express love and what her needs were but over time we have had a much clearer idea of how it works.

One more heads up with taking an interest in your wife, find out what she really enjoys in the bedroom.  Just because you enjoy something does not mean your wife loves it.  Communication is really important.  She is unique and no matter what the books, movies or internet says, you need to discover what she likes. Then become better at it. I know we all think we are hot in bed but there is always room for improvement. Make it a goal that when you are having sex, she enjoys it.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.

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Being an effective listener
Are you struggling with your marriage? We are here to listen.

There was no love affair to blame, no abuse that had been hidden. Just a slow erosion, a drifting apart, a building of resentments until one felt there was nothing left. Broken hearts. Broken people. Broken home.

Divorce certainly is an option these days. The courts are filled with those who once never expected it could happen to them. The resulting damage in lives, children, extended family, in finances and self-esteem is creating havoc in our culture. Maybe you have entertained the “D” word yourself or even said it out loud. Yet before you set your foot on such a costly path, consider another “D” word which could be at work in your relationship – drift. Paying attention to it can help you move back from the brink of destruction that divorce will undoubtedly bring.

Drift happens
Busyness and the demands of work and family can leave a couple though once deeply in love, passing like roommates in the hall, drifting away from one another and from home. Steps can be taken to ward off drift or pull the relationship back when drift has happened.

Ask yourself if your relationship has drifted. There are ways to anchor your marriage securely and to soften hardening hearts so your marriage can be an enjoyment and even a treasure. Naming drift when you see it is the first step. Choosing to do something about it is next. The important thing is to know that DRIFT happens and you can overcome it.

D – Do things together

1. Make time together. “History together is built one event at a time.” In order to grow together you must spend time together. If your schedules are taking you in different directions with little time to experience life together then stop! Shift togetherness to a new priority. Run errands together, go for lunch, plan a date night. It can be simple but be intentional about stopping the drift before it happens. 
2. Eat together. Have at least one meal together daily. Get up 15 minutes early to have coffee/prepare dinner together. But you need to plan – it won’t just happen. Don’t eat all your meals together in front of the TV.
3. Limit technology. When you do have an evening at home together, set a time to turn off all electronics and visit. Make tea, or have a glass of wine and just be together.

R – Romance one another

1. Choose to be in love.Remember that this is the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with. Choose to love this person deeply. Choose to be in love. Just as you can choose to focus on the negative you can also choose to focus on the positive. Let loving-kindness be a daily goal. It’s your choice.
2. Make love-making a priority. The sexual bond is much more than just a physical connection. It is a bonding of two souls. It’s glue in a good marriage. It is meant to be fun, fulfilling and frequent. If this is an area of tension in your marriage then get some help. Past sexual experiences including those of abuse or promiscuity will bring their own baggage into your marriage. Keep porn out!  Plan intimate times.
3. Attention, affection, appreciation. This greatest sex advice ever given is to make it a priority to give your partner genuine attention, affection and appreciation. You will be amazed at how these three things will impact what happens not only in general but also in the bedroom.
4. Touch. Give lots of non-sexual touching too. When a relationship becomes strained all touching often stops. A hand on the arm, a quiet taking of the other’s hand, a kiss on the forehead can help melt tension and show you care.

 I – Invest in one another

1. Get away together. Whether it’s for an evening, a weekend, or a holiday, save time and resources to make “get-aways” a reality. Give yourselves the gift of couple time to focus on each other in a special way that day to day doesn’t allow.
2. Pursue each other. Keep courting each other. If the pursuit of each other’s heart has long gone by the wayside begin again to find small creative ways to say, “I want to be with you”. Recall things from your dating days; go for a picnic, even start with an evening walk. Pursue the one who once captured your heart.
3. Celebrate one another. Be your partner’s biggest fan and cheerleader. Celebrate small victories. Intentionally show that you support him/her.
4. Make bedtime count. As often as possible make bedtime the same for both of you. Lots of things can get in the way of this but make sure it happens often. One of the best things about marriage is going to bed together at the end of the day. This is a connecting time that should not be overlooked.

F – Fight right

1. Remind one another that you are on the same team. Differences of opinions are a healthy thing. Don’t be afraid of them. Choose how you will deal with them. When issues develop, choose a time when the “heat” has subsided. Each one gets the floor to express his or her thoughts on the issue. Flexibility and cooperation are the foundation stones to move forward.
2. Grow a heart of gratitude. Don’t let the daily rubbing and irritations rob you of seeing all the good. Take note of the things your partner does for you, for the family, for the upkeep of your home. Say “thank you” not just for actions but rediscover intentionally the great things about your partner and express appreciation.
3. Value your partner! When differences come this outlook will impact outcome.
4. Be a safe place. Assess your own attitude. Are you nagging, being critical or treating your partner like a child? You can begin to change the atmosphere in your home. Make it a safe place for your partner to share and be, without fear of criticism. You can start the pattern to change.
5. Accept your partner. Neither of you is perfect. Find some good in your partner every day and be thankful for it. Pray about the challenges. Plan a time to thoughtfully approach concerns with caring solutions in mind. Be open-minded to change. Be willing to be adaptable. Guard against a disapproving attitude. The subtle attitude of disapproval is deadly to your marriage.
6. Pray together. There is infinite wisdom in the advice to pray with and for your spouse. Going to God together with the complexities of life and sincerely and humbly inviting His power in to influence your home is life changing. If you can’t pray together yet, pray for your spouse daily. It will also help keep your own heart soft and your dependence on God as your help.

T – Talk

1. Share thoughts and ideas. Share interesting things from your day or your reading. Share your reactions to the things in your day because this is a way to share feelings too. Encourage your partner when he/she shares. Ask questions but don’t “interrogate”.
2. Listen. If one of you is not feeling “heard” then communication will eventually shut down. Resentment can filter in. Listen and don’t try to fix. Be interested.  Be intentional about building communication that has drifted. There may be unresolved hurts or there may just be a “drifting” into your corners. Listen with ears that hear and eyes that meet. If communication has all but stopped be patient and do your part to begin sharing and listening again.

Conclusion

Face the drift that may be happening in your marriage and don’t let divorce become your option. Put these steps into practice. Become that change you want to see in your marriage and you will keep drift away and divorce a non-issue.

I think that’s what God had in mind when He introduced marriage. Jesus says in Matthew 19: 4-5:

“The Scriptures record that from the beginning God made male and female and said ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’.”

Prayer to put God’s power into action in your home:

Father God,
Today I invite You into my marriage and into my heart in a fresh way. Thank you that You are the one who gives the power to change our home. Come and change me. Change my attitudes and my actions. Help me to be wise in re-building where we have drifted apart. Help me to be wise in my daily choices. Please restore, renew and replenish my love and passion within my marriage. Thank you for (name your partner). Turn my partner’s heart toward You and toward me in new ways as well. I ask this with thanksgiving in the powerful name of Jesus, amen.

Several routes to this disastrous awakening exist. The first is obvious: perhaps you had sex with several guys before you were married, and it was an empty experience. Most teenage girls who sleep around, for instance, don’t experience orgasm, and often don’t really experience much arousal at all. The guys aren’t really into giving the girls pleasure; they’re too young and immature. So your body doesn’t necessarily learn how to become aroused, and sex isn’t that exciting.

The other route is the exact opposite. You did everything right. You waited until you were married to make love, but your husband was so into it that everything happened very fast. He liked it so much that he wanted to all the time. So it became a chore. You never really “awakened” love.

What’s all the fuss about?

I think many women are in this situation. They just don’t see what all the fuss with sex is about. It seems like everyone is lying to them. It’s as if culture is trying to con women into thinking it’s something great, so that you’ll want to make love all the time, but the truth is it’s not that great at all. They start to believe that sex was designed for men, and it’s a big rip off.

If this is you, your love was awakened too early, and in the wrong way. And chances are you’ve become a little bitter about sex. It’s just something else on your to-do list. Then you read on blogs that Christian women are supposed to understand how much their husbands need sex, and you’re supposed to put out. Oh, great. That’s really fun now, isn’t it?

I understand. Believe me, I do. But I also think that there’s a way past this, and I want to share it with you today to offer some hope.

How to awaken love again

Maybe what you need to do is to awaken love again. Talk to your husband about it, and if he will agree, take a sexual hiatus for two or three weeks, or longer if you have to. During that time you agree not to make love. That way the pressure is off. You’re not working towards some goal anymore. Instead, take that time to explore. Lie naked together and just touch each other. Let him touch you and figure out what actually feels good. Have baths together.

It may kill him, and so I really don’t recommend that this last very long for his sake. But I think some women need to be reminded that they do, actually, have a sex drive. It’s just buried and never really woke up for a whole variety of reasons. We need to figure out what feels good, and he needs to figure out what to do to make you feel good. You can also have fun with his body, too, when you realize that your performance isn’t the point of the evening.

I don’t recommend this for everyone (though it is fun for a night every now and then in almost any marriage), but if you talk with your husband and explain it, I think it can revolutionize many marriages.

 Take the next step:

I love my husband, but I don’t like sex
Help! My wife doesn’t want sex
Help! My husband doesn’t want sex 

I’ve been working on a book “The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex”.  I conducted several surveys for the book.  One thing I found is that less than half of Christian women are virgins on their wedding night. And more than 1/3 of those women expressed major regret over that. It’s really impacting their relationships now.
I received an email recently from a woman who is living with this guilt. Here’s a synopsis of her email:

I had a great number of sexual partners before I met my husband, starting in my early teens. I had a horrible upbringing. He didn’t have as much experience, but he did have some bad habits when we met. Our engagement was short, but filled with pre-marital sex almost from day one. Our entire dating and engagement period, even our wedding feels like one big shame to me. I can’t even look at pictures of us when we were dating because I feel so disgusted, knowing what we were doing. I don’t like looking at our wedding pictures either. Since the honeymoon sex has been strained, always. I feel that I can’t trust him. He was willing to take anything he could before we were married. True, I wasn’t stopping him, but that doesn’t help now.

He once asked me, “Why was the sex so great BEFORE we got married?”, as if to ask what he was doing right at that time. I told him we shouldn’t have been doing that in the first place, and I have no fond memories of our pre-marital sex, although I suppose it was compelling at the time. It just makes me feel like he doesn’t understand what happened. Very discouraging.
Why does sex feel wrong AFTER the wedding?
She goes on to say how she wants to initiate, and she wants to make her husband feel loved, but she just doesn’t enjoy sex with him very much because it still feels wrong.

Can you relate at all? Even if you can’t, please read on, because some of your friends probably might, and you may be called upon for some advice in this area one day! Most of us, after all, aren’t virgins anymore when we marry. That is really wreaking havoc with our sex lives now.
There is hope
Here’s what I said to this woman, and here’s my message of hope for you who are in the same situation:

First, you’re right that what you did before your marriage was wrong–both with him and with other guys. That sex caused scars and baggage that created the difficulties in your marriage now. That is why God has parameters for healthy sex inside marriage only.  The good news is He is a God of hope, forgiveness and healing.

Now the past is over!  When you married, you became one person, not two different people anymore. You are different in God’s eyes. And remember that He has already paid for all the things that you did. He has erased it; it’s time for you to erase it. Yes, you did something wrong. Yes, people seriously took advantage of you (and it sounds like they hurt you in the process). But please do not let that become your identity. You are more than that. You are precious. You were bought at a price.

If you keep feeling shame and anger at yourself and your husband, for what you’ve done before, then you’re not really giving that sin over to Jesus to cover. You’re saying, “What Jesus did isn’t big enough for me.” But it is!

You will always have regrets about your wedding night (I do, too, for different reasons.) It is a letdown. It is a disappointment because you had tainted it before. But nonetheless, that is in the past.  You don’t want the past to impact your future.

Time for a New Start
You need a clean break, where you start allowing yourself to associate sex with something completely new. Here is the problem: when we give ourselves to people that we’re not married to, sex becomes something which is dirty, shameful, and focused solely on the physical. When there is no commitment, sex becomes a way to say “I want to feel good”, and that’s it.  Sex was intended to feel good, but also, even more important, to say “I love you”. Deep down we know that SOLE focus on the “fell good” is not right.  It then creates a deficiency. This deficiency gives way to shame.  So that whole idea of “feeling good” becomes something shameful.

You need to rediscover what making love really is. When we give our bodies away as teenagers, we teach our bodies that sex is solely physical, and that it’s something cheap, that we give to try to get something in return (a boy to love us; someone to tell us we’re beautiful). It becomes a commodity, rather than an expression of love.

So how do we make it an expression of love? We need to make it about the connection far more than it is about the physical rush. That doesn’t mean you don’t experience the physical rush; indeed, most people find that when sex becomes about that connection, the physical rush is deeper. Work on the connection first.

Try to make sex into something that is new and beautiful. Take baths together and just touch each other. Lie naked together talk and explore, just with your fingers. Cuddle naked and talk–about memories, about dreams. You can even read a psalm together! Make nakedness and intimacy something that is beautiful, rather than dirty or shameful.

Try to spend some time, in bed, just kissing, rather than “getting to the main event”. You take the initiative rather than him, and focus on trying to kiss him to show him that you love him, rather than just to get him aroused (you’ll likely find this gets you far more in the mood, too). Practice touching to say, “I love you”.

Tell him what you’re doing. Pray about it. Go before God and tell God that you’re sorry for what you did before your marriage, but you want a new start. And ask God to help you get that new start.

Then walk in it. Ask yourself every day, “How can I tell him, I love you in a new way?” Challenge yourself. Do this inside the bedroom and outside the bedroom. As you start focusing on your connection, you’ll find your sex life takes a new turn. It’s not just about that physical rush; it’s about cementing a bond. Don’t focus so much on “I have to have sex with my husband” as much as you’re focusing on, “I want to find new ways to feel love for him and show him love!”
Be patient it takes time, but is worth it!

This change won’t happen overnight. It takes time and effort to retrain your brain to think of sex in a new way, especially when you have a lot of scars. Jesus is big enough for your scars. And He wants you to enjoy your husband. Don’t let sin which has already been forgiven rob you of a great marriage now. Commit yourself to moving forward, and ask your husband to commit, too.  Then make it into a game to find new ways to express how much you love him. Kiss him a bunch of different ways and ask him which one makes him feel the most loved. Ask him to do the same to you. Make it fun! And you just may find that your body reawakens!