It wasn’t until I read yet another list that I saw one of the common perks in a completely different light. In 10 reasons it’s great to be single, an online Elle Canada article, I read reason #5,

It’s all about you, all the time. That about sums it up. You can do what you want, go where you want, eat what you want, wear what you want, sleep in when you want, get up when you want, shop where you want … the list goes on and on, but you get the point!

I’m the first in line to say that heightened freedoms rank high on my list of reasons why being single is glorious. But something about reading It’s all about you, all the time made me cringe and feel embarrassed that this was the focus being shoveled onto the plates of single women everywhere.

Instead of sounding like unabashed freedom, reason #5 sounds like a license for extreme narcissism.

I’m not lambasting the liberty to eat an entire carton of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream or snatch that pair of Prada shoes you’ve been eyeing for months. But we’re missing the plot if we live by reason #5 and see nothing wrong with it. That mentality needs to be re-vamped so instead of an opportunity to tap into self-gluttony, it’s an incredible opportunity to experience even greater things in the single season.

Since it’s an inarguable fact that you have a greater swath of time (and usually resources) to work with living the single life, utilize it. Instead of tearing out lists explaining why you’re better off ignoring Valentine’s Day and Barry White ballads, re-write the focus of reason #5.

(Disclaimer: None of these things are meant to “fill” your time till you meet your future hubbie. Killing time for a greater end is no way to use such a beautiful season of life.)

Travel

Is there a place you’ve been dreaming of visiting since you were a little girl? What about a house boating or coastal road trip with your girlfriends? Maybe a trip to Costa Rica to learn about the culture, people and history?

You can buy all the Lonely Planet books in the world, but at some point, the only thing that’s going to get you places is the guts to go for it. So leap! There are so many fascinating places.

(Keep in mind: There’s a difference between sipping mojitos poolside in Cabo San Lucas and trekking to a different culture for a spectacular once-in-a-lifetime trip.) Choose one or a few places, go alone or with girlfriends, just go!

Get Involved

Have you always wanted to do missions overseas? Do you have a heart for immigrants or youth on the street? What about the environment – being on a clean-up crew or tree planting project?

There are heaps of ways you can take what naturally interests you and use it to serve a greater purpose. Whether it’s people, the earth, animals, food or travel, you can pull at the threads of what you love and find ways to serve with it. So get involved!

Time With The Girls

What do you love: books written by Donald Miller, Parisian food, Jamie Oliver TV, old French films, sitting at a café with Brazilian coffee?

Take one and find a little group that share the same interest (close girlfriends, your mom and sisters or a small group of women mentors), and soak it in with them every couple weeks.

You can tailor this time to be so lush – add books, add different meeting spots, add food, add anything you want. What do I love most about being in the single season? I love, love, love the time to pursue whatever fancies me.

New People, New Interests

Have you always wanted to learn Italian? Take an art history class? Try wind-surfing or the drums?

I know it might sound so cliché, “You’re single! Take a cooking class or pick up archery!” But honestly, it’s an opportune time time in life to run with something you’ve always thought of doing and actually do it. You can pick anything your heart desires – a language, a sport, an art. And when you pursue it, you automatically open yourself up to meeting new people you might never have met otherwise. Who knows what kind of relationships can stem from that – (maybe travel buddies, fellow tree planters, French film comrades?), you just never know.

I hope this mini-list has a different feel than Elle’s reason #5. It should and I hope it does. It’s not meant to come off sympathetic, patronizing, like propaganda, or far from genuine. I adore the single season so much and these reasons are why. Not because I’m looking at it like I can simply “do what I want, go where I want, eat what I want, wear what I want…”, but because incredible opportunities, travel experiences and deep relationships hang like ripe, round apples, yours for the taking.

I’ve been back and forth to South Africa a few times, went to school in a different country, spent time alone in Holland and Uganda, done missions in the slums and taught AIDS awareness in remote villages. I’m in the middle of a bible study with my mom, a Rob Bell book study with girlfriends and met my closest friends by pursuing a love for Africa and missions. That isn’t a rattled off list to merely show something for my time; it’s what i’m truly pursuing in this season, my single season. Shoes and ice cream are all fine and good, but from my experience these are fulfilling and rich ways to spend my days.

There will always be versions of the “benefits of being single” list, especially around February 14, but choose early on that if this is the season you’re in, you’re going to define it. And however you do define it, apply a line straight out of Shakespeare, “The world’s mine oyster.”

Freedom to be Yourself – How can you begin to live to your fullest potential?

The lady introduces herself and explains why she’s there. Her name is Norma and she attends a seniors club that Robert has gone to occasionally since his wife died. She explains that they have never met but a friend mentioned that Robert had some china for sale that she might be interested in.

China for sale?

He recalls telling someone there were a few more items to sell. This is starting to make sense, so he shows her into the dining room and opens the china cabinet. She picks up a dinner plate and comments on the pattern and the remarkable condition of the dinner set. They chat for a minute about the fact that you don’t get good china like this anymore and then she sits down on the sofa.

The conversation changes to other things. Soon they are talking about their families, their hobbies and mutual acquaintances. Norma explains that she has been a widow for five years now and lives about fifteen minutes away in her own apartment. She tries to keep active and walks a mile every day for her health.

Robert is feeling very comfortable with Norma at this point…then something clicks. He had been a police officer for many years and his instinct is telling him that she probably isn’t here just to buy some china. As he thinks about it he realizes that she has never asked the price or how many setting were for sale. Why was she really here?

Ah ha!

The fact is that Robert was being set up. Not in a bad way or with any intent to harm him, but he was till being set up.

Several ladies at the club had recognized him as a “definite eligible” and thought that he and Norma would be a perfect “match.” They racked their brains as to how to get them together without it being obvious and the “china for sale” plan seemed perfect. If Norma had spent a bit more time actually being interested in the dinnerware and proposing a sale price Robert may never have caught on to the plot.

You were eligible in your twenties and you may be eligible again. The “pool of eligibles” is expanding now that the seniors population is one of the fastest growing segments of society. Aging isn’t what it used to be: 70 it seems, is the new 55. People think of themselves as younger and with good reason. The majority of folks 65+ are healthy, robust and full of life. So why not fall in love again at your age?

You’ve all heard the disaster stories about matchmakers who set up a couple only to have the relationship end quickly with broken hearts and deep feelings of resentment.

Fortunately, this didn’t happen for Robert and Norma!

Surrounded by their loving families and supportive friends, Robert and Norma became Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham. “I never thought I’d fall in love again,” said Robert. “Life is really work living! But I wouldn’t send her out to buy dinnerware. She’s not a very good negotiator…ha, ha.”

“I thank God she had the courage to ring my doorbell and as much as I thought I’d never say it…I’m thankful for those matchmakers!”

Article © Allen Unrau, used with permission

My wife Judy was called home to be with her Lord Jesus in heaven on May 25, 2001,

Judy was such a good wife for me.  She was so loving and faithful.  I never had to wonder where she was or what she was up to.  It was always something good!  She also loved and cared so much for our children and grandchildren.  The legacy Judy leaves her grandchildren was best summed up when Carter, at age four, asked Judy if he could marry her.  What a grandma!  What a mom!  What a wife!

But now she’s gone.  It’s been a little over a year now, and I’m still seeking the Lord’s direction for my life.  Early on, I resolved that I would make no major decisions for at least a year.  But now that long year has passed.  Recently, I’ve been letting my family and friends know that on May 25^th, with considerable emotion, I removed my wedding ring and became a single man once again. A friend predicted to Judy about two years ago that I’d have trouble remaining single.  That prediction is proving very true and I’m looking foward to this new adventure.

We are well aware that the Lord works out His perfect will through His people, so I’m looking to Him and His people to help this rather young, active, Christian senior (who is also an artist, golfer and curler) to find the perfect woman with whom to spend the next 30 years.  You may think I’m being optimistic, but my mother and two aunts averaged 95, and my Dad is closing in on 96!  I have longevity in my genes, and I don’t intend on spending my golden years alone.

Just the other day, my children asked me what this perfect woman would be like.  She was easy for me to describe, but only the Lord knows where she is.  She will love God first, then me, my family, and my friends.  She will encourage and work alongside me to fulfil my calling toward evangelism and discipleship.  She will enjoy travel and holidays, and she will  put up with my idiosyncrasies.  If that isn’t enough, she will also likely be in her fifties, have a slim, attractive figure, and be cute, vibrant, intelligent and very much alive.  Thus, she will be the perfect counterpart for me.  Wow.  This sounds like an incredibly detailed list, especially since I’m not actively looking for her.

Earlier this month I attended a “Successful Singlehood” evening in my community of North Vancouver.  Two things came through loud and clear.  While the Lord has me in a single state, I can serve Him more, so I must utilize these days for Him.  Second, in my desire to re-marry, I must wait on his direction, for He has the best plan for me – including the future ‘if,‘ ‘when’ and ‘who.’

So, Lord, give me patience to wait for You to fulfill Your will for me, and help me not to take too many furtive glances….  In the meantime, this “suddenly single” guy will continue rejoicing in the Lord through his loneliness.

In December, 2002, God answered Doug’s prayer.  He brought Doug and Dorothy together and they are now married.

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Bah Humbug.

For many people, Christmas is the saddest time of year. In a culture that is obsessed with all things Christmas, it is easy to feel like an alien when our thoughts and feelings are anything but merry.

Whether your pain stems from lost loved ones, unfulfilled hopes, shattered dreams or personal failures, the holidays will probably intensify your feelings. On TV we see storybook families and peace on earth – nothing but laughter and smiles. But what if the reflection in your mirror reveals a lonely heart, empty arms, betrayal or rejection?

Are you just hoping to survive this Christmas?

Do you wince when someone exuberantly proclaims, “Merry Christmas!”? How can you possibly celebrate the season of joy when you feel such deep sadness? Is it possible to be honest with your feelings without becoming a grinch? Without ruining Christmas for everybody else?

The good news is that you can do more than just survive this Christmas. Rather than clenching your teeth and simply enduring the holidays, you can allow this to be a time of healing, a time of moving through grief and beginning to embrace life again. First, though, you have to face reality.

1. Be honest with yourself

Start by honestly facing what you are going through. Acknowledge your pain, name its source, and share it with people you trust. At Christmas there is a great temptation to paste on a smile and go through the motions. This may help you survive December, but it will do nothing to help you grow through your hurt. As Eugene Peterson writes, “Year by year, as we deny and avoid the pains and losses, the rejections and frustrations, we’ll become less and less, trivial and trivializing, empty shells with smiley faces painted on them.”

2. Go easy on yourself

Accept your physical and emotional limitations this year. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Christmas is a hectic, demanding time: we sing carols about silent nights, still and calm, and then we run around madly, trying to stuff as much into each day as possible. Step out of the whirlwind. Choose only the most meaningful traditions to hold on to and set the rest aside for a year. If you have lost someone close to you, your traditions may need to be altered, but continuing to keep those traditions is a way of keeping the person’s memory alive.

3. Go easy on everyone else

The chances are very good that, sometime during the holiday season, someone is going to say something that seems insensitive to you. Understand that most people really do want to help, but they may not know how. Who of us is completely at ease in the presence of deep hurt? You may have to make the first move and tell people what you need.

While it is important to be wise and protect your wounded heart, remember that grief is not an excuse for being selfish. Consider other people’s needs and reach out to them. Serving others is good medicine! You can’t possibly know what hurts other people are carrying. Everyone has a story – even that perky sales clerk who is giving you a headache!

4. Plan ahead

A sure recipe for feeling overwhelmed is to have no strategy at all. Look at your calendar and consult your immediate family members. What will be helpful? What will be hurtful? Christmas events can be either a pleasant distraction or a painful reminder of the problems you are coping with. Try to leave yourself an escape in case you need one. For example, drive yourself to Christmas parties so you can leave early if you need to.

5. Allow yourself to have fun

Sometimes when we are struggling, especially when we are coping with the death of a loved one, we feel guilty when we realize that we are actually having a good time. Moments of happiness seem to somehow dishonour the person we miss. But it’s okay for you to have fun; in fact, it’s crucial to your healing as you realize that life will indeed go on. The fact that you are still able to smile does not reflect on your love for the person or on the depth of your loss. So if you unexpectedly find yourself enjoying this Christmas, embrace it! That’s exactly what your loved one would wish for you.

6. Celebrate the real Christmas

Far from the idyllic scenes on Christmas cards, the first Christmas was messy and painful. Think of the confused teenaged mom who birthed her first child far from home, next to noisy animals in a smelly barn. More importantly, think of the Father who loves you so much that He gave His only Son over to poverty, pain, danger and death. Draw near to this Father who is close to the broken-hearted, and who saves those who are crushed in spirit. He alone is the one who can heal your wounds, redeem your pain, and give you true joy in the midst of your suffering.

An old carol by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow laments,

And in despair I bowed my head.
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong, and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, goodwill to men.”

As you approach Christmas this year, does this express your heart? If so, our prayer is that God may bless you in the area of your deepest need this Christmas, moving you to embrace the truth of the next verse:

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, goodwill to men.”

Take a look at your life.  How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times.  There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget.  In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new.  What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Living with hope

If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.