From a young age I struggled with a lack of sexual identity.

I was born on a tropical island to deliriously happy parents. My father was all man – robust, authoritative and protective, and my mother was all woman – delicate, fragile and supportive. I grew up with two older brothers who were academic wizards, while I colored cows a healthy shade of blue. Despite that, I had an insatiable curiosity, effortless creativity and a highly competitive spirit.

I fought my way out of pinafores into shorts, climbing trees and playing soccer. I learned everything I could believing I could be as good as my brothers. Raised in a religious home, I was fearful of doing anything wrong. Although I couldn’t fully understand it, I knew deep down inside that there was something terribly wrong with me. I felt as if I was in the wrong body.

I lived the first 25 years of my life believing I should have been born male.

Whether this was a freak of nature or the result of nurture was really not my question. My question was, “What do I do with it? How do I live with it?” As you can imagine, I grew bitter and angry because I always desired something I couldn’t have. I kept asking, “How do I change a part of myself that was not born of my own choosing?”

I felt that God owed me answers and that life was unfair. I feared being found out. I feared not being found out. I wanted approval and knew I would only find rejection. I felt like I could never change and believed I would go to the grave with my secret. However, I prayed that if there was a God, he must be the one to change me.

The thunderstorms in my life were just beginning. My elder brother Sam died in a helicopter crash when he was serving in the army at age 20. It rocked my boat. That incident taught me that death was real and could happen to anyone at any time. It challenged my faith that a good God would allow that to happen. My own handicap deflected any idea of a loving God, much less one who would save me!

Three years later I left for college. Of all places in the world, I ended up in San Francisco.

My life and my questions about my identity went into overdrive. I remember one night there was a makeover session organized by the RA (resident assistant) of my housing block. I was introduced to makeup, wigs, nail polish and other false attachments, and by the end of the night my tomboyishness gave way to a much more feminine look.

But the makeover only dealt with my external features. There still remained the problem of what was wrong on the inside – wrongful desires. When I look back now, I believe that God could have changed me but he waited for me to want to be changed. He wanted me to want what he wants.

Self-righteousness and denial

After graduation I returned to Singapore, and worked as a sought-after art director earning the respect of peers as well as a good salary in an advertising agency. At the peak of my career I was successful, popular, well liked and utterly confused. You see, I had two friends who influenced me a great deal: Self-righteousness and Denial. Self-righteousness psyched me up. She taught me that I was my own boss and that I was independent. She convinced me I was not evil. In fact I was a pretty good Christian, someone with morals and principles.

Denial taught me to play the dating game, saying it was okay and that I could even get married. I mean I was in the creative field, I had artistic license. In fact, I should be a little weird! Very subtly they worked against me. Self-righteousness said it was okay to be queer while Denial told me the world didn’t need to know that. It was in this frame of mind that I dated and eventually married a soft-spoken Christian man.

My mother died the day after I got married, before the wedding banquet was even digested. Cancer spread from her large intestines to her liver. She died peacefully at the age of 54, in the home where I grew up. It was at her funeral that I realized that although I didn’t fully trust God, I trusted myself even less. My mother’s death urged me to make peace with God.

Love is blind, marriage is an eye-opener

You know what they say about love being blind and marriage being an eye-opener? We moved to Switzerland where my husband pursued a course in product design while I took the time to write a book. In the spring of 1994, the problems between us escalated into a possible dissolution of the marriage. The duplicity was too much to bear and I hit rock bottom.

I remember walking along the lake for two hours, crying out to a distant and silent God. When I returned to the apartment, I was shocked to find my husband who never drinks, drunk in the bathtub, fully clothed with an empty gin bottle in his hand. Little did I know that God was neither far nor silent.

You see, in God’s wisdom, he purposed to put two struggling Christians together who both struggled with the exact same thing. It was absurd. How could this happen? The fact is it did – we both struggled with our sexual identity. Gin was the only thing strong enough to give my husband courage to take off his mask and it was his confession that gave me courage to take off mine.

Taking off the masks

God showed us both that night that not only did he come to forgive us, he came to tell us that it was possible for anyone who was broken to be whole again. Remember my earlier prayer that if there is a God, he must be the one to change me? For the first time in both our lives, we were honest enough to trust God as sinners, desperate enough to desire change and hopeful enough to exchange storms for still waters.

Barely two years later my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer. He faced his grim six-month deadline with incredible hope and peace. One of the last things he shared with me is the fact that change is reserved only for the living – when you’re dead you can’t change anything.

I began to understand God’s unconditional love for me, which changed my outlook entirely. I now knew that I didn’t need to try and prove myself in any way but was given the chance to start all over. There is absolutely no confusion about my sexual identity anymore. I am not proud of my past but I am grateful I have a future. The love and fellowship of other Christians, God’s work in me and my acknowledgement of no longer being able to do it without Christ have been key factors in helping to get me through the whole process.

Have I stopped struggling? No. But I can tell you that I struggle differently. The greatest difference is struggling knowing that it can be overcome rather than struggling believing it’s futile. The temptation to live a homosexual lifestyle can be overcome when you surrender your life to Jesus because only he can enable you to overcome your struggles. My faith ensures me that I am totally transformed into something altogether new. I am a woman who follows Jesus.

Take a look at your life.  How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times.  There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget.  In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new.  What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Living with hope

If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.

It took years for Stefanie Coutinho to fit in.

It was only in high school that she connected with the popular crowd. Suddenly she had four best friends and enjoyed having fun, being popular and dreaming of future success.

When her family emigrated from the United Arab Emirates to Canada, Stefanie was eager to experience life in the Western world and become part of it. The downside was making new friends.

Her natural shyness prevented her from getting close to anyone, but in her second year at university, Stefanie decided to do something about it. Since her family had a Christian heritage in India, she looked for a Christian group on campus. The weekly meetings were fun. The music was good and the people friendly, Stefanie kept going back.

She was amazed to hear students talk about God in a personal way, as if they knew him. “For me, that was totally foreign,” says Stefanie. “ But it got my attention.”

Still there was one particular question Stefanie wanted answered. “How is Jesus’ death on the cross relevant to my life?” she asked.

She continued to attend the weekly meetings, but it wasn’t until she watched Charles Stanley, a televangelist, preach one night on the meaning of the cross that things finally started to make senses.

Shortly afterwards, at another student gathering, the band was playing a song called “Amazing Love.”

“I remember looking at the lyrics on the screen: ‘Amazing love, how can it be, that you, my king, would die for me?’ for the first time I realized I really wanted Christ in my life,” says Stefanie. “I prayed and asked God to give me the kind of relationship with him that everyone around me had.”

“Now developing my relationship with Jesus Christ is a priority in my life,” she says “This is not just a spiritual experience; it’s a process of getting to know a real person. He has a character and I can know it.”

It doesn’t mean that now life is perfect. There are still days when Stefanie feels hurt or lonely. “ At those times, I can’t wait to go and talk to God,” At those times, I can’t wait to go and talk to God,” she says. “I know I can be honest about how I feel. When I go to God, I say, “ God you are the only one I feel I can trust. I am hurting, but show me what Jesus would do.’

Take a look at your life.  How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times.  There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget.  In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new.  What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Living with hope

If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.

Though it seemed unlikely, my life’s dream was to be a model.

I was a more quiet and introspective person, and although I didn’t like to be the center of attention in my everyday life, I enjoyed being on stage and in front of the camera. It was just natural for me. I wasn’t considered popular or attractive, but I was drawn to modeling. A month later, at the age of fifteen, I was signed with a modeling agency in New York. That same day I was booked for a fashion spread in Seventeen magazine.

My new career took off!

It flew me all over the U.S. at just sixteen years of age – and I loved it! I enjoyed the freedom and excitement of traveling, meeting new people, and being independent. I felt I had my life under control.

After high school, I began a very hectic schedule as a model. Eventually, my clientele brought me to Miami for work, where I met my husband. I was happy in my life, career, family and marriage, and never had any real troubles.

But then everything happened all at once.

My brother’s new born baby died after several surgeries. My apartment pipes exploded when friends had accidentally left my oven on and the windows were glued shut. The same year on my birthday, I was stranded on an island with a modeling crew, and when I got back home I was all alone again. I became extremely sick and began to collapse. The doctors diagnosed me with Crohn’s disease, a disease of the intestine. I had been sick for a few years, and by the time I was tested, I was severely anemic.

I already knew how sick I was, which is why I didn’t go to the doctor for so long. I knew I was suffering from something awful and didn’t want to see the look in the doctors’ eyes. I was hard-headed and refused to do tests because of plans to go to Miami. Although the doctor said to me, “You don’t understand. You could easily die here,” I didn’t want to stay. I didn’t want to stop everything and felt good about sticking with what I had planned. So I promised him I would do the tests in Miami, and flew down anyway. I was determined not to give in to being sick. Besides, he was just telling me what I already knew. And though I knew I was going to die, I wanted to keep going.

I thought to myself, “What just hit me?”

While in Miami I watched my life, my apartment, my work, my family, and even my own health spiral out of control. I felt so helpless. It was there, while my husband was away in Paris, that God began to get my attention. Until all of these things happened, I felt like I had it “together”, making decisions for my life and doing well on my own. But now, my circumstances were showing me that I didn’t have as much control as I thought I did. I was in bed, alone and sick! My niece died, I just got back from an awful trip, my apartment was a wreck and I was lonely.

Since I was ill in bed, I had a lot of time to think. It was then that I decided to buy a Bible – even though I was mortified by the thought of becoming “religious”. I had not talked to anyone about it and didn’t even think it would help me much, but I just kind of felt compelled to. So I got up and went to the bookstore down the street. I was too embarrassed to ask anyone there and finally found a Bible. I remember being embarrassed bringing it up to the register. When I got back to my place, I opened it up and had the hardest time reading it, because it was the Old King James version.

Soon I had become so physically ill that I actually let a friend of mine take me to a prayer meeting at a church. I thought it was silly but I was desperate and scared because my doctor suspected that my illness was incurable. At the prayer meeting people prayed aloud for me and kept telling me that God had a plan for my life. But I was angry inside and felt a little overwhelmed at the whole thing. That’s when an unexplainable tingling feeling blanketed me, and I wept.

Something had changed

The next day, I had extensive medical testing, and when it was finished I learned that my health was fully restored! God had healed me and I felt so well! I believe that I was healed from more than just Crohn’s disease. That night I was also healed spiritually – I came to know a God who personally loves me, and who can do anything – even restore my health.

I was raised going to church and considered myself to be a Christian although I didn’t really believe in the Bible and rarely prayed. My god was a god of convenience. But the night I was healed, Jesus Christ became real to me. I realized my need for Him, and that fact that He was in control of all things. It made me willing to give Him the reins of my life when all along I had lived only for myself.

I developed a true faith in Jesus and understood that he suffered and died on a cross so that we could be together forever. I began to see how God had His hand on me from day one and I decided to commit my life to Him.

My husband experienced the miracles of my health being restored and he was amazed! He also saw how I was broken free from a smoking addiction that had a hold of me for years. What had once been so enjoyable to me was something I didn’t want to be around anymore. Soon, my husband also committed his life to Christ and we began to see that all good things came from His hand. Joy replaced the sadness that had been so prevalent in our lives.

There is so much more to life

When my world fell apart, I realized that life is so much more than working and trying to maintain control of everything. Now I make decisions based on the God I’ve come to know, rather than on what I want to do. I have peace in knowing the Person who created the universe, who knitted me in my mother’s womb and who knows every part of you and me, is the One who is in control of my life.

I’ve found that He is the only constant thing. People will let you down, and things will come and go, but God will always be there. He is always there to guide me through my day and the many decision I make, letting me know when I need to do something or just be still.

Today, I am still modeling and acting, but now I see my identity is found in who I am in Christ and not what other people think of me. I am able to have peace in giving my cares to Him, and letting Him make them right. God is my first priority and goes into every part of my life, including my husband and my work.

Being a model and a woman brings tremendous influence with it. Now I am excited when I see each job as my mission field. Sometimes my purpose here is to help and encourage others or to even be encouraged myself. Often when God uses me to help others, I find that it really is a huge blessing to me.

Clothes, makeup and fame never really mattered much. It’s more about the people. The more I dwell on myself, the uglier I get. I know I am beautiful in God’s sight through Jesus. I take what He gives me and I give it away.

God gives each of us gifts. You have a choice to take them and use them for yourself, or you can use them for God’s glory. Use them and you will see beauty. Stop being consumed with yourself and fix your thoughts on Him. God called you and chose you, and there is a reason for that.

When you ask Jesus into your life, you are given the Holy Spirit as your counselor and guide. When you open the Bible and pray for wisdom, you will see things that you could not if the Spirit did not show you. Pray, listen and obey. He will show you what you need to do. He knows your needs. He made you and He knows you more than you know yourself, and He is right there waiting for you with open arms. You don’t need to clean yourself up to go to Him, He takes you just the way you are, and will come in and heal your deepest wounds to give you peace like you’ve never experienced. It no longer becomes conditional peace, but contentment in all circumstances. That is true love and true acceptance. You will not find it anywhere else.

Trusting Jesus was the first step to huge adventures in our lives. Life is not always easy, but I know Christ is always with me. These promises are available to you as well. Why not pray this simple prayer in faith today and release the reins of your life back into God’s hands.

Take a look at your life.  How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times.  There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget.  In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new.  What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Living with hope

If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.

Learn more about Models for Christ here: http://www.modelsforchrist.com/

*Photo taken by Heather Funk

People are not perfect, and neither is the world we live in, so it shouldn’t surprise us that our relationships aren’t ideal.

Dr. Dave Currie, a marriage counselor and marriage conference speaker with 25 years  experience as a pastor and college professor sat down with me to discuss some of the important aspects of conflict resolution. He has taught thousands of couples about at marriage conferences across the world. When practiced, these methods will help to resolve differences without allowing feelings of disappointment, bitterness and anger to build up.

Before conflict arises

How you behave in your marriage before conflicts hits has a huge impact on how conflict is handled. There are behaviors and attitudes you can put into practice now that will make disagreements a lot easier to handle, and a lot less damaging to your marriage when they do happen.

1. Have a pre-determined game plan. Agree on conflict resolution guidelines before getting into a tense/difficult discussion. Decide what is acceptable behavior and what you will both do to try and resolve the conflict. One example of a guideline would be agreeing to talk about one issue at a time (see below). This is especially important in the early years of marriage (the first 10 to 15 years), when you are establishing behavior patterns in your relationship.
2. Maintain a bank account: make deposits as well as withdrawals. The best way to have a great marriage is to catch each other doing things you appreciate. Affirm your partner as you see him/her doing something that pleases you. Set the tone for the relationship by affirming – making “deposits”. If all you’re doing is making “withdrawals” by always complaining and pointing out blunders, it gives your spouse the incentive to give up and say, “I can never please this man/woman”. Train yourself to anticipate and be sensitive to the other person’s feelings.
3. Practice successive approximations. This is another element of encouragement. It works to reinforce movement in a desired direction. For example, instead of saying “I hate how this place is so dirty!” a better approach would be to say, “I can see that you’re busy. Can I help you pick up?” Remember that there are often better ways to get to the result you’re seeking.

When you and your spouse disagree

If you have a pre-determined game plan in place, you’re already a step ahead when a disagreement arises. When you find yourself in conflict, remember that the goal of a disagreement is to find a solution that benefits both parties, neither of you needs to “win”. Don’t set your partner up for an attack, you’re in this together.

1. Agree on a time to sit and talk with your partner about the issue. As a rough generalization, most men’s thoughts and concerns are compartmentalized. When he’s at work, he becomes preoccupied with what is before him. The same goes for when he’s at home. So if his wife interrupts him with an issue when he’s busy with something else (for example, watching TV), it could “push his buttons” to create tension. Set a time to meet with him to seriously discuss the issue in a room with no distractions. It is a more effective way to get his full attention.
2. Deal with one issue at a time. Besides helping to maintain order, it is a more effective way to achieve the goal of working through the problems at hand to arrive at a resolution. So identify your concerns, making sure to deal with issue #1 before moving on to issue #2.
3. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This helps to keep both sides from getting on the defensive. Realize that words are important. They can be delivered in such a way as to either bring healing or destruction. When the word “you” is used frequently when speaking to your partner, he/she will automatically feel accused. This in turn can provoke unnecessary reactions that will only serve to keep you both from resolving the issues in the most simple and straightforward manner.
4. Think through problems to avoid misunderstandings. “I didn’t mean that”. “I thought that’s what you said”. How often have you heard these words, or spoken them to your spouse? It is so easy to make assumptions. Be careful to actively listen to the other person and strive to clarify misunderstandings.
5. Share your perspective without getting emotional. Women, let’s be honest. More often than not, when we get frustrated, we clam up. But as difficult as it may be, share your perspective while holding your ground. Don’t get too emotional too early. Men often interpret that as manipulation.

Getting rid of the root of bitterness

How is your marriage? Do you find it easy or difficult to communicate with your spouse? If you have feelings of resentment and anger that have been accumulating over the years, it’s vital that you take action to rid yourself of those toxic feelings. Jesus Christ has the power to forgive us for the things we have done and cleanse us from feelings of guilt.

Don’t give up hope! The first and most significant thing you can do to save your marriage, if you haven’t already, is to commit it to God. He knows every emotion of your heart (Psalm 139) and His Son Jesus has been tempted in the same ways that you have, but He chose to obey His Father each and every time (Hebrews 4:15). Therefore, He can sympathize with us.

You matter to God. Your marriage matters to God. He loves you so much that He gave His only Son for you. You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.

Everybody wants to be loved for who they really are

Most of the images we have of love and romance come from movies, television and romance novels. They’re all about pursuit and capture, dominance and submission. Once the guy gets the girl, the movie ends. That leaves us with a considerably incomplete picture of love as it is in the real world. Love is much more than just an experience of beginnings.

Sherven and Sniechowski point out that our culture has a rather poor and adolescent understanding of what love is and what it takes to create real love. At the start of the relationship, we are swept away by emotions and fantasies and expect the other person to fulfill them. When those expectations aren’t met and we begin to see the imperfections and differences in our partner, we walk away. We search for the “perfect” partner, not knowing that he/she can never be enough because he/she will always be different from what we expect.

The beautiful thing about a romantic relationship is that love isn’t found – it is co-created. Yet there are countless people who search for love as if it belongs to someone else. We don’t find love. We find one another and allow love to grow between us.

“That don’t impress me much!”

Many of us go on a date with the intention of impressing the other person. A man might lease a car that he can’t afford in order to impress a woman while a woman might completely give herself a makeover. Instead of the goal of the date being, “I want us to get to know each other for real and see if we like each other,” it is more often, “I want to impress you.”

Sherven and Sniechowski point out that if we go out on a first date and put on a show, we are working against emotional intimacy because all that the other person is getting is a false front. Ultimately, that illusion will come apart because it can’t be kept up forever. What follows, is resentment and disappointment that is unnecessary if things are done simply and straightforwardly.

If two people are truly interested in one another and want to go out with each other, the authors recommend that they do things like going out for coffee or to other places that are not romantic. That way they can begin to get an idea of who the other person is instead of witnessing the show that both of them are putting on. If they do this a few times before anything more extravagant occurs, they can find out whether or not it’s worth going forward without expending emotional energy and finances on a process that eventually leads to nothing.

Ultimately we cannot control whether or not someone will be impressed by us because it is their choice. So it’s better to be real instead of setting out to impress someone. Our actions often reflect our self-esteem. Sherven gives us something to think about when she says, “If your focus is on impressing the other person, then you are voting for the belief that you are not good enough as you are. The rejection process has already started, and it has started from within.”

Expectations can be limiting

As the relationship progresses past the “honeymoon” stage, some of the masks we initially wore begin to come off. We soon discover that we carry several unrealistic expectations that can prevent us from getting to know the other person for who they really are. It is better to let our partner be him/herself and see what happens.

One of the major expectations that women often bring into the relationship is that the man is going to bring the substance that she’s searching for – the money, social connections, adventure and romance. But when the relationship finds more solid footing, she realizes he’s just another human being like she is. He can only provide who he is.

Unfortunately, many women who are not satisfied in their own personal lives look to the man to fix it, and he can’t. Even if the man actually sets out to fulfill those fantasies, it is an impossible task. Her expectations and his attempt to fulfill them doom the relationship right from the beginning. He cannot be authentic if he is acting according to stereotypes or another person’s ideas of who he should be. She will never be happy in the relationship until she accepts him for who is, not who she thinks he should be.

Differences are an opportunity to grow

The importance of partnership comes sharply into focus when there is a conflict. It is inevitable that two people living in the pressure cooker of a long-term relationship are going to crash into each other at some point. They are going to be disappointed in one another, irritated by one another, disillusioned or angered by one another. Many people believe that those conflicts are signs that the relationship is off track. But what drives a relationship off track is not conflict but the inability to handle conflict.

A classic example of this would be of a couple where one person is a spender and the other person is a saver. Although the difference is usually seen as a bad thing, the fact is that they’re both out of balance. They have taken their approach to money and finances to an extreme in one direction. What lies before them is the opportunity to learn from each other how to handle money in a much more balanced and respectful manner while working together as a team and relying on each other’s strengths. They can create a true partnership out of the differences.

A couple’s love is tested through conflict and when they emerge from that still wanting to be together, they have proved that differences can be a good thing. Although many of us have the notion that differences are a dreadful thing, they actually open the way to true intimacy. They give us the opportunity to value how different we are from the one we love and use those differences to grow and change.

“One of the most beneficial things you can do in a relationship is to recognize that your partner is not you! When you really understand that, you won’t try to change them into what you think he/she should be and you will get to know them intimately for who they were created to be. Remember, there are two people involved. It’s a relationship – not a dictatorship!” say Sherven and Sniechowski.

Curiosity is a powerful tool in a relationship because it means staying open and wanting to know more about the other person. Because of our self-involvement, we often end up missing out on all that an intimate relationship has to offer. When we look at it one way – our way – we miss it when it appears.

We need to love others for who they are if we desire to be loved in the same way. As two people look deeper and deeper into the relationship, they will find that the emotional intimacy between them expands so that there is more room for both of them. And remember that if you’re not being loved for who you really are, you’re not being loved at all.

Of all the ways we celebrate Christmas, one of the most meaningful is to give to others, from the heart. My friend Shauna shared with me this unforgettable story about how she and some of her girlfriends did just that.

“I remember going out for coffee with three good friends and chatting about the holidays,” Shauna began her story. “There was so much to be done. Presents, cards, decorations. Then we started talking about family traditions.”

And as they talked that evening, the four friends found that they all had been involved at some point in sharing Christmas with those in need. They would do things like volunteer at soup kitchens and organize Christmas hampers for lower income families. Having moved away from their parents’ homes, they realized that they were at the point in their lives where they were beginning to establish their own Christmas traditions.

“So together we decided that that’s what we would do. We loved the idea of helping someone out in a special way and we wanted it to be anonymous,” Shauna said.

Why anonymous? “It has nothing to do with the people who do the good deed. If the anonymity is broken, everything is ruined. It becomes about this great thing we have done. The whole point of giving back to the community is that you think about someone else. If you make a big production of it, then it’s about you.”

It is more blessed to give than to receive

As Shauna and her friends considered whom they could bless, they decided to ask Pastor Bernard, the benevolence pastor at their church, for the name of someone in need. Pastor Bernard thought immediately of a single Mom, Dawn, and her son. Her divorce was fairly recent and it had been a hard year for them financially.

The girls decided to pool all the money they would have spent to buy each other presents, and instead used it to buy the trappings of Christmas for Dawn and her son. They bought cheese, coffee, chocolate dipped cookies, oranges, Christmas crackers, presents and more holiday treats that are hard to fit into a tight budget.

“We were going to package the gifts in basket, but that didn’t seem like such a good idea anymore,” Shauna said, smiling. “There was so much stuff that we had to pack it all into a two-foot square box. We couldn’t believe we were able to fill the box to overflowing with what little money we had!

“We dropped off the box at the church, where two men volunteered to deliver it to Dawn. They handed it to her saying, ‘Someone at the church left this for you. Merry Christmas!’

“We don’t know too much about what happened after that. But Pastor Bernard did tell us that she phoned him at the church for the next few days trying to find out who had done such a thing for her and her son. He said she was in tears and was extremely thankful. Her son even played the entire day with the electric race car track we bought.

“Since Pastor Bernard was sworn to secrecy and couldn’t tell her who we were, she sent a thank you card to us through him. It was addressed, ‘To My Four Christmas Angels.’ Inside the card, she thanked us and said she couldn’t believe that we would do this for her.”

A good reminder

Being able to help a family in need made that Christmas meaningful for Shauna and her friends. In fact, it’s now part of their annual Christmas tradition. What she and her friends had done was a good reminder to them of what they had received as Christians–the assurance of eternal and abundant life. “We don’t deserve it. We’ve received it only because of God’s grace towards us,” she explained.

Some of the best gifts given are those that go beyond the material things of this world to meet our deeper spiritual needs. Like Shauna’s gift, they spring from an unconditional love that we first meet in the Son of God, Jesus, who gave His life so that we may experience God’s wonderful plan for our lives.

In the Bible, it says that “God showed how much He loved us by sending His only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through Him. This is real love. It is not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other” (1 John 4:9-11).

All too often during Christmas, we get so wrapped up in the material things of this world and neglect the things of God that have eternal value. This Christmas as you plan on giving and receiving gifts, pray and ask God to fill you with His Holy Spirit. Ask Him to show you how you can love someone with His pure love and impact his or her life positively. You can pray this prayer in faith, trusting that God will accomplish it in your life.

Dear Father, I thank You for sending Your Son Jesus that Christmas night so long ago. I realize that I have sinned against you by directing my own life and neglecting those things that matter most. I thank You that You have forgiven my sins through Jesus’ death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. I want to be a blessing to someone else this year so that Your love may spread into the lives of others. Please fill me with Your Holy Spirit. In faith, I thank You for directing my life and for empowering me with Your Holy Spirit.

God’s Spirit has the power to touch people’s hearts no matter who they are. Think about the people in your sphere of influence and ask God to use you to bless them this season. He will!

March 8^th is International Women’s Day, a day appointed by the United Nations and recognized internationally for the purpose of taking time to remember and celebrate the many milestones marked by women’s achievements around the world, especially in the advancement of equality, justice and peace. In fact, the UN bases its work in this field on the principle that “no enduring solution to society’s most threatening social, economic and political problems can be found without the full participation, and the full empowerment, of the world’s women”.

For decades, ordinary women have been making history because of their desire and struggle to be recognized in their humanity as equals. They have represented you and me in the fight to achieve universal suffrage – the civil right to vote – for women. They have also defended our right to work, and see the end of discrimination on the job. They fought for decent working conditions and fair wages. Across Europe, women even united to hold peace rallies in the face of World War I.

So how can we remember this special day? Here are a few suggestions.

1. Express your gratitude. Thank God for these historical figures who fought for justice and peace, and thank Him that He hears and saves us. Appreciate the women in your life, and take the time to thank those who have invested in you with love.
2. Know who you are. Search the Scriptures to see what the Bible says about women. Jesus treated women with the utmost respect and love and it is in Him that we can find our identity and our wholeness. Thank God for who He created you to be and continue to depend on Him to make you the kind of woman He sees you as.
3. Respect yourself and others. Many times we tend to only find the faults in others and ourselves. But this perspective brings destruction. Instead of harboring a spirit of condemnation, let us in humility yield to the Spirit of holiness. Let us meditate on things that are good, pure and lovely. These good things will eventually come to fruition in ways we sometimes cannot perceive.
4. Learn from history. Take time out to read and learn about the struggles and achievements of women. It is the least we can do for those who have served us sacrificially in the past and made our world better today.
5. Remember your contemporaries around the globe. Though women have made major in-roads towards achieving equality, the struggle is not yet over. Sadly, many women around the world still suffer abuse at the hands of injustice and hatred. Pray for them. Let’s not turn a deaf ear to these evils; the responsibility lies in our hands as human beings. Ask how you can help.
6. Reach out to women in your community. Get to know the people around you and have the privilege of hearing their personal stories. Tell them about your own journey with Christ. Small gestures of kindness and thoughtfulness go a long way and can impact someone in great and unexpected ways.
7. Celebrate diversity. Acknowledge women who are of different cultures and backgrounds from you. It is often easy to only be around those who are like us. Instead, embrace someone new and learn to appreciate their uniqueness and difference.

But don’t just stop there; think of what else you can do. Get together with your friends to brainstorm ideas to celebrate International Women’s Day. I know for a fact that women are creative! The possibilities are endless. Most of all, remain hopeful – in faith – about what needs to be done towards achieving justice and equality for women.

We’re all aware of the chaos that a lack of organization around mealtime can bring! Instead of dinner being a time when the family comes together, it can be a time of frustration.

For Kathy Cottrell, a homeschooling mother of two teenage sons who lives in Scottsdale, Arizona, part of the solution has been planning and preparing meals in advance. For the past 15 years, she has planned two month’s worth of menus, cooked the entrees and stocked her freezer with tasty dishes ready to re-heat and serve with ease.

What are the benefits of advance menu planning and cooking?

• The dinner hour is much more peaceful. No after-work scrambling to put food on the table.
• The family eats together more frequently.
• You save a great deal of money when you buy in bulk and avoid impulse purchases at the grocery store.
• You also save money that you would spend eating out “by default” because there’s nothing appetizing and convenient to eat at home.
• You save time by shopping and cooking all at once.
• You get to choose the best time to cook.
• The rest of a meal gets more attention. If you already have your entrée prepared, you can make a nice dessert.
• Having dinner parties becomes a lot less complicated.
• Stressful times from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day can be much calmer.

The key principle in bulk cooking is to think ahead in order to save even one or two steps. Kathy encourages women to look at their own lives and prepare for the activities they do over and over again, such as frequent church potlucks or taking cookies to their child’s school. You can gear the method of bulk cooking to whatever their particular needs are. “You’re already making a mess when you cook, so make it worth your while!” she says.

How to cook in bulk

• Begin by looking for recipes that can be frozen either fully or partially.
• Plan your menus.
• Make a complete grocery list.
• Check your pantry for your current inventory.
• Buy everything on your list.
• Add up the quantities of produce required and cut it all up at once.
• Use crock-pots to get your chilies, stews or stroganoff going.
• Cook and cut up all the chicken you need.
• Cook all your other meats.
• Cook the rice, stuffing and noodles.
• Begin assembling your dishes.
• Let cool and cover well with heavy-duty aluminum foil (or use Ziploc freezer bags).
• Put directions for cooking directly on the dish.
• Date it (the day you made it).
• Freeze it.
• Keep a list of the meals on your refrigerator and cross them off as you use them.
• Pull out the meal you want in the morning, thaw it and pop it in the oven at dinnertime.

While cooking for two months might seem like a humungous undertaking, it really serves to be a more efficient way of doing the several little time-consuming things we do everyday. But if this seems too intimidating, Kathy has some suggestions for easing into the program.

• Never again make only one meal at a time. Always at least double the recipe.
• Cook, cut up, and freeze large amounts of chicken.
• Look for recipes that utilize your prepared chicken.
• Cook and freeze meatballs. Use with sauces, gravies, and in spaghetti. Serve over rice, pasta, or with potatoes.

Food isn’t spiritual, but a lot of spiritual things happen around food

Time spent planning family mealtimes can indeed yield lifelong, and even eternal, dividends.

Sharing dinner together, according to a study by Dr. Catherine Snow of Harvard’s Graduate School of Education, is of more value to child development than playtime, school, and story time. (1)

Dinnertime still holds special significance when the kids get older. A recent study showed that teenagers who ate dinner with their families five or more times per week were least likely to be on drugs, to be depressed, or to be in trouble with the law. They were also more likely to do well in school and have healthy friendships. (2)

For Kathy, planning and cooking meals in advance has not only blessed her family, but allowed them to minister to many people– providing meals for sick people, kids’ camps and unexpected company.

The Cottrells have also opened up their home to many college students who came from troubled backgrounds and shared the love of Christ with them. She says, “We’ve found that simply having them in our home and providing the order of a family dinner taught them what family was. We’ve had other times where we’ve counseled people or we’ve had people over to our home for all kinds of spiritual gatherings. Food is a key part of that, even though it’s not spiritual in and of itself.”

Kathy began bulk cooking by rigidly following the instructions in a book called Once-A-Month Cooking by Mimi Wilson and Mary Beth Lagerborg, which contains a complete two-week and one-month plan. She recommends it for anyone considering bulk cooking and assures that “it’s a way to enjoy your family more. It’s a way to enjoy your company more and to be a more relaxed and ready hostess.”

Notes:

1 Quoted in Bringing up Boys, by Dr. James Dobson, Tyndale Publishers, Wheaton, IL: 2002.

2 ibid

People are not perfect.

Dr. Dave Currie shares with us some of the important aspects of conflict resolution that he has taught many couples at marriage conferences across the country. He reveals some of the key ways we can communicate with our partner when dealing with delicate issues. When practiced, these methods will help to resolve differences without allowing feelings of disappointment, bitterness and anger to build up within us over the years.

Some things to know before tackling the problem

• Agree on a time to sit and talk with your partner about the issue. As a rough generalization, most men’s thoughts and concerns are compartmentalized. When he’s at work, he becomes preoccupied with what is before him. The same goes for when he’s at home. So if his wife interrupts him with an issue when he’s busy with something else (for example, watching TV), it could “push his buttons” to create tension. Set a time to meet with him to seriously discuss the issue in a room with no distractions. It is a more effective way to get his full attention.

• Have a pre-determined game plan. Agree on conflict resolution guidelines before getting into a tense/difficult discussion. An example of a guideline is talking about one issue at a time (see below). This is especially important in the early years of marriage (first 10 to 15 years), when you are establishing behavior patterns in your relationship.

• Deal with one issue at a time. Besides helping to maintain order, it is a more effective way to achieve the goal of working through the problems at hand to arrive at a resolution. So identify your concerns, making sure to deal with issue #1 before moving on to issue #2.

• Make sure to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This helps to keep both sides from getting on the defensive. Realize that words are important. They can be delivered in such a way as to either bring healing or destruction. If the word “you” is used frequently when speaking to your partner, he/she will automatically feel accused. This in turn can provoke unnecessary reactions that will only serve to keep you both from resolving the issues in the most simple and straightforward manner.

• Think through problems to avoid misunderstandings. “I didn’t mean that.” “I thought that’s what you said.” How often have you heard these words, if not spoken them to your spouse? It is so easy to make assumptions. Be careful to actively listen to the other person and strive to clarify misunderstandings.

• Share your perspective without getting emotional. Women, let’s be honest. More often than not, when we get frustrated, we clam up. But as difficult as it may be, share your perspective while holding your ground. Don’t get too emotional too early. Men often interpret that as manipulation.

• Maintain a bank account: deposits and withdrawals. The best way to have a marriage is to catch each other doing things you appreciate. Affirm your partner as you see him/her doing something that pleases you. Set the tone for the relationship by affirming – making “deposits.” If all we’re doing is making “withdrawals” by always complaining and pointing out blunders, it gives our spouse the incentive to give up and say, “I can never please this man/woman.” Train yourself to anticipate and be sensitive to the other person’s feelings.

• Practice successive approximations. This is another element of encouragement. It works to reinforce movement in a desired direction. For example, instead of saying “I hate how this place is so dirty!” a better approach would be to say, “I can see that you’re busy. Can I help you pick up?” Remember that there are often better ways to get to the result you’re seeking.

• Take hands and pray together about issues. A couple that prays together, stays together. The beautiful thing about prayer is that it automatically puts you both in a position to seek God’s guidance and wisdom, and respond to Him. Instead of depending on your own strength, ask God to lead you in communicating with your spouse in a manner that is glorifying to Him. Then in faith, trust His Holy Spirit to answer your prayer. Understand that God desires to give His children the very best from His own hand. The Bible tells us that He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us; plans to give us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11), and that every good and perfect gift comes from Him (James 1:17).

Getting rid of that bitter root

How is your marriage? Do you find it easy or difficult to communicate with your spouse? If you have feelings of resentment and anger that have been accumulating over the years, it’s vital that you take action to rid yourself of those toxic feelings. Jesus Christ has the power to forgive us for the things we have done and cleanse us from feelings of guilt. If you would like to begin a personal relationship with Him, click here for some steps you can take to do that.

Don’t give up hope! The first and most significant thing you can do to save your marriage, if you haven’t already, is to commit it to God. He knows every emotion of your heart (Psalm 139) and His Son Jesus has been tempted in the same ways that you have, but He chose to obey His Father each and every time (Hebrews 4:15). Therefore, He can sympathize with us.

Pray this prayer today and let this be the start of a new journey in your marriage.

Dear God, I need You in my marriage. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life, and that I cannot go on any further without Your help and guidance. I thank You for forgiving my sins through Your Son Jesus’ death on the cross for me. I now invite Jesus to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and empower me to live the life You have called me to. Thank You for directing my life and filling me with Your Spirit as You promised You would if I asked in faith. Amen.

Though it seemed unlikely, my life’s dream was to be a model.

I was a more quiet and introspective person, and although I didn’t like to be the center of attention in my everyday life, I enjoyed being on stage and in front of the camera. It was just natural for me. I wasn’t considered popular or attractive, but I was drawn to modeling. A month later, at the age of 15, I was signed with a modeling agency in New York. That same day I was booked for a fashion spread in Seventeen magazine.

My new career took off!

It flew me all over the U.S. at just 16 years of age – and I loved it! I enjoyed the freedom and excitement of traveling, meeting new people, and being independent. I felt I had my life under control.

After high school, I began a very hectic schedule as a model. Eventually, my clientele brought me to Miami for work, where I met my husband. I was happy in my life, career, family and marriage, and never had any real troubles.

But then everything happened all at once.

My brother’s newborn baby died after several surgeries. My apartment pipes exploded when friends had accidentally left my oven on and the windows were glued shut. The same year on my birthday, I was stranded on an island with a modeling crew, and when I got back home I was all alone again. I became extremely sick and began to collapse. The doctors diagnosed me with Crohn’s disease, a disease of the intestine. I had been sick for a few years, and by the time I was tested, I was severely anemic.

I already knew how sick I was, which is why I didn’t go to the doctor for so long. I knew I was suffering from something awful and didn’t want to see the look in the doctors’ eyes. I was hard-headed and refused to do tests because of plans to go to Miami. Although the doctor said to me, “You don’t understand. You could easily die here,” I didn’t want to stay. I didn’t want to stop everything and I felt good about sticking with what I had planned. So I promised him I would do the tests in Miami, and flew down anyway. I was determined not to give in to being sick. Besides, he was just telling me what I already knew. And though I knew I was going to die, I wanted to keep going.

I thought to myself, “What just hit me?”

While in Miami I watched my life, my apartment, my work, my family, and even my own health spiral out of control. I felt so helpless. It was there, while my husband was away in Paris, that God began to get my attention. Until all of these things happened, I felt like I had it “together,” making decisions for my life and doing well on my own. But now, my circumstances were showing me that I didn’t have as much control as I thought I did. I was in bed, alone and sick! My niece died, I just got back from an awful trip, my apartment was a wreck and I was lonely.

Since I was ill in bed, I had a lot of time to think. It was then that I decided to buy a Bible – even though I was mortified by the thought of becoming “religious.” I had not talked to anyone about it and didn’t even think it would help me much, but I just kind of felt compelled to. So I got up and went to the bookstore down the street. I was too embarrassed to ask anyone there and finally found a Bible. I remember being embarrassed bringing it up to the register. When I got back to my place, I opened it up and had the hardest time reading it, because it was the Old King James version.

Soon I had become so physically ill that I actually let a friend of mine take me to a prayer meeting at a church. I thought it was silly but I was desperate and scared because my doctor suspected that my illness was incurable. At the prayer meeting people prayed aloud for me and kept telling me that God had a plan for my life. But I was angry inside and felt a little overwhelmed at the whole thing. That’s when an unexplainable tingling feeling blanketed me, and I wept.

Something had changed

The next day, I had extensive medical testing, and when it was finished I learned that my health was fully restored! God had healed me and I felt so well! I believe that I was healed from more than just Crohn’s disease. That night I was also healed spiritually – I came to know a God who personally loves me, and who can do anything – even restore my health.

I was raised going to church and considered myself to be a Christian although I didn’t really believe in the Bible and rarely prayed. My god was a god of convenience. But the night I was healed, Jesus Christ became real to me. I realized my need for Him, and the fact that He was in control of all things. It made me willing to give Him the reins of my life when all along I had lived only for myself.

I developed a true faith in Jesus and understood that He suffered and died on a cross so that we could be together forever. I began to see how God had His hand on me from day one and I decided to commit my life to Him.

My husband experienced the miracles of my health being restored and he was amazed! He also saw how I was broken free from a smoking addiction that had a hold of me for years. What had once been so enjoyable to me was something I didn’t want to be around anymore. Soon, my husband also committed his life to Christ and we began to see that all good things came from His hand. Joy replaced the sadness that had been so prevalent in our lives.

There is so much more to life

When my world fell apart, I realized that life is so much more than working and trying to maintain control of everything. Now I make decisions based on the God I’ve come to know, rather than on what I want to do. I have peace in knowing the Person who created the universe, who knitted me together in my mother’s womb and who knows every part of you and me, is the One who is in control of my life.

I’ve found that He is the only constant thing. People will let you down, and things will come and go, but God will always be there. He is always there to guide me through my day and the many decision I make, letting me know when I need to do something or just be still.

Today, I am still modeling and acting, but now my identity is found in who I am in Christ and not what other people think of me. I am able to have peace in giving my cares to Him, and letting Him make them right. God is my first priority and goes into every part of my life, including my husband and my work.

Being a model and a woman brings tremendous influence. Now I am excited when I see each job as my mission field. Sometimes my purpose is to help and encourage others or to even be encouraged myself. Often when God uses me to help others, I find that it really is a huge blessing to me.

Clothes, makeup and fame never really mattered much. It’s more about the people. The more I dwell on myself, the uglier I get. I know I am beautiful in God’s sight through Jesus. I take what He gives me and I give it away.

God gives each of us gifts. You have a choice to take them and use them for yourself, or you can use them for God’s glory. Use them and you will see beauty. Stop being consumed with yourself and fix your thoughts on Him. God called you and chose you, and there is a reason for that.

When you ask Jesus into your life, you are given the Holy Spirit as your counselor and guide. When you open the Bible and pray for wisdom, you will see things that you could not if the Spirit did not show you. Pray, listen and obey. He will show you what you need to do. He knows your needs. He made you and He knows you more than you know yourself, and He is right there waiting for you with open arms. You don’t need to clean yourself up to go to Him, He takes you just the way you are, and will come in and heal your deepest wounds to give you peace like you’ve never experienced. It no longer becomes conditional peace, but contentment in all circumstances. That is true love and true acceptance. You will not find it anywhere else.

Trusting Jesus was the first step to huge adventures in our lives. Life is not always easy, but I know Christ is always with me. These promises are available to you as well. Why not pray this simple prayer in faith today and release the reins of your life back into God’s hands.

Dear Father, I need You. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life. I thank You that You have forgiven my sins through Christ’s death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as You commanded me to be filled, and as You promised in Your Word that You would do if I asked in faith. I pray this in the name of Jesus. As an expression of my faith, I thank You for directing my life and for filling me with the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Find out  more about Models for Christ here

**Photo taken by Heather Funk