Struggling in your marriage? Talk to a mentor.

Have you ever tried to watch a football from ground level? It is difficult to tell what is going on, how many yards there are to go, where the ball is, etc. The view is distorted, which is why coaches are sent to watch from the top and then communicate what is going on with those on the ground, so the sideline coaches can make better decisions.

The same is true for day to day life. Unless you take the time to go a little higher, to sit and watch from a distance, it is difficult to determine which way you are going.

Some days leave us feeling like a mouse in a maze, wondering if we are making one bad decision after another because we cannot see far enough to know where we are heading. After slamming our heads into the wall a few times, we deduct that there must be a better way.

I often wonder if God isn’t looking down on us in this way – watching what we are doing and trying to warn us of obstacles that lay ahead, hoping to keep us focused, and trying to communicate with us so that we can make better decisions. During periods of uncertainty and transitions in our lives, it is difficult to know what to pray for, or even how to pray.  Sometimes, life doesn’t make much sense from down here.

At the very least, we can pray for a better view – a higher place – and enough distance to see our options more clearly. One of my favorite scriptures for times such as this is Psalm 61:2 which says, “From the ends of the earth I call to you. . . Lead me to the rock that is higher than I” (Psalm 61:2 NIV). Even Jesus had to find ways to reach higher for understanding.

Dear God,
Sometimes we wish we could sit beside you, to see what you see and know what you know. But at other times, we recognize that you are the only one who can be trusted with our future. Lead us to a place where we can see your will more clearly.  Take us to a place where we are no longer distracted by what we see in front of us and we can focus on the bigger picture. Forgive us when we struggle. Deep down, our only desire is to please you, from wherever you are watching. In Jesus Name, Amen

Questions: Are you feeling as though you have lost your way? How can you start getting a better view on life?

About the author Janet Morris Grimes

Do you feel hopeless? We want to pray for you.

Join us for our Daily Devotional Chat today in our Women’s Chatroom at 10:30 am EST.

The familiar saying, ‘If life hands you lemons make lemonade’ doesn’t always give me incentive to run to the market.  Recently, my family has gone through tough transitions.  I believe most of you have encountered the same thing. To list a few: the loss of a job, unfair justice and heartbrokenness.  Most times, we aren’t prepared for this and it hits us sideways.

I usually sit trying to grab my bearings, trying to breathe, and then realize I have just landed on Planet Lemon.  How do I deal with the lemons of life?  I have a choice to make which will make a huge impact on my life.  Imagine yourself holding two flags.  One is a plain white flag, and the other is embossed with a picture of a huge lemon.  You now have a choice which one to hold up high and claim.

1.    White Flag of Surrender to Defeat.
Have you heard yourself say the phrase that I have found myself saying?  Fine, Forget it. That can be a knee-jerk reaction to a hard situation.  The easy street on Plant Lemon is to become sour and start blaming others.  None of us like the sadness that comes over us and the truth of our reality.

Giving up on “You” is one option that leaves you feeling defeated, empty and a sense of hopelessness.  We all need hope and knowing that we are worth the fight.  This white flag is not the answer. “The Lord is our God, and we are His people, the sheep he takes care of in His own pasture”. Don’t give up on You!!!  Wave the…

2.    White Flag of Surrender to Jesus.
Jesus is the One who gives us Hope.  I love the image of the Shepherd holding a lamb in his arms.  He holds us tight and walks with us on Planet Lemon.  The Great Shepherd gives us incentive when we can’t make sense of it all.  I can honestly say that I don’t understand the situations in life that seems so heartless and hopeless.   However, I have also seen despite the unanswered and pointless painful situations brought upon me, God has been faithful.

He doesn’t take away all our pain and sorrow but He does help us through the situation to make lemonade much sweeter and ‘just right’.  As I make my own recipe of lemonade, I choose to trust and follow Jesus.  He surrendered His life to make our life sweeter.  We can than turn to Him and praise Him for the next step.

Why am I discouraged?  Why am I restless?  I trust you!  And I will praise you again because you help me and you are my God.

What Flag are you holding right now?  Have you been placed on Planet Lemon and wondering how to make your own sweet lemonade?  Where is God in this situation and do you trust Him?

Father God, I cannot always understand the situations of life.  Please help me to hold up the White Flag of Surrender to Jesus and trust You to walk with me and give me Your guidance.  May I then be able to taste the bitter sweetness of the lemonade that comes for all this?  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions: Are you struggling right now and need some help?  How might God help you through the situation that you are facing?

About the Author Linda Goodhand Rodgers

CNN.com recently reported that studies found going through a divorce does permanent damage to your health. Though those who remarried showed some improvement, they still exhibited more long-lasting mental and physical deficits than men and women who are married once and remain married.

Linda Waite, a sociologist at the University of Chicago said in the article,

“Losing a marriage or becoming widowed or divorced is extremely stressful,” Waite said. “It’s financially, sometimes, ruinous. It’s socially extremely difficult. What’s interesting is if people have done this and remarried, we still see, in their health, the scars or marks — the damage that was done by this event.

Divorced people “have more chronic conditions, more mobility limitations, rate their health as poorer than people like them in age, race, gender, education who’ve been married once and are still married,” Waite said. (read the rest of the article)

We have all seen the toll divorce takes on the lives of the couple and their children, relatives and friends. Though the study deals with the physical results, it does not even begin to measure the emotional, mental, or spiritual effects.

If you or someone you know has gone through a divorce and is struggling to put the pieces back together, where are you going for help? Where have you found support? Do you think it’s possible to heal the effects of a broken marriage?

Ready for More?
Life after divorce: Now what?
Healing kids cope with divorce
Not ready to give up? Attend a one-day marriage seminar or weekend conference

With many forms of media available to our culture, community is now found in different venues. Emerging generations may not find themselves sitting in a church pew on a Sunday morning, but yet have an awareness of the greater church community. According to Christianity Today, “Emerging generations may not see themselves as churched, but neither do they see themselves as any less committed.” Podcasts, magazines, online radio, and television are innovative methods being employed by churches and church leaders across North America to reach these emerging generations.

Whether you’re meeting in an organized church, or online with a community of like-minded believers, how do you approach church? Too frequently we join a group because it gives us something without asking too much in return. Is your “church event” a time to receive from your community, or are you there to serve and contribute?

Even more importantly, ask yourself this – am I part of an affiliation of believers, or am I attempting to do faith on my own? Christianity is a communal faith. It’s not meant to be lived in isolation. If you don’t have one, look around for a place of belonging , whether it’s in your local community, online, or in some other venue. Your faith will be deepened for it.

This past year was a very special one for me. I felt that I had climbed a mountain of emotions.

“Lord, show me”

After talking for a long time with the Lord, He showed me that I should take advantage of the situation that I was going through. This was an opportunity to use the experience as a tool for spiritual growth and not just as something that I had to put up with.

This was the best circumstance in which I could learn to think with the mind of Christ and to view things with His perspective. I recognized that He was still on His throne and that His promises are true. (Psalm 18:6) I spent long hours in prayer, reading His Word and enjoying His promises. This was what He told me to do.

It has been three months since Raúl left and all we hear from him when he phones is enthusiasm and motivation. God has provided him with a good church and he is participating with Campus Crusade for Christ at his college. Rolando feels better than ever and continues working to win the continent for Christ.

It is my wish to you, my dear friends, that this New Year, you and I can experience God’s love and faithfulness even in adversity and that we recognize the eternal purposes He has for all of us. (Romans 8:28)

What about you? God wants to be the strength of our life, empowering us to feel better about ourselves, more excited about our future, more grateful for those we love and more enthusiastic about our faith.

Do you need a solution to the chaos of life? Are you tired of trying to do it all yourself? Ask God to give you the strength you need to be more confident in who you are, more in tune with those you love, and more effective in your marketplace. Why not pray this simple prayer and by faith invite Him to fill you with His Spirit:

Dear Father, I need You.  I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life. I thank You that You have forgiven my sins through Christ’s death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as You commanded me to be filled, and as You promised in Your word that You would do if I asked in faith. I pray this in the name of Jesus. As an expression of my faith, I thank You for directing my life and for filling me with the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Entering the empty nest

Faced with so many life changes, we did what we often do – we made a list. For us, making our list was a reality check and was the first step in releasing and letting go of some unrealistic expectations – frankly, some weren’t that unrealistic, they just would not be fulfilled – not in this lifetime!

Letting go

Our list included things we would never do again, or things that would never change. For instance, we would never have a daughter. (Three daughters-in-law and three grand-daughters help to compensate but our nuclear family will always be four guys and a gal.)

We would never ride across the Swiss Alps on a motorcycle. We would never have completely healthy backs again. We would always struggle to keep our weight under control and our office neat and tidy.

Obviously, our list also included disappointments with each other – like Dave will always sneak ice cream at night, forget to call when he is running late and hum in his sleep. Claudia will always take on too many commitments, buy low-fat, no-taste snacks and leave the car gas indicator on empty.

While this may sound negative it was an important part of the process of accepting each other. At this stage of our marriage we realized we needed to view our little individual idiosyncratic behaviors as endearing traits instead of irritations. Making our list helped do just that.

You may also want to make your own list. Now is the time to let go and acknowledge things that are not going to change such as a partner’s personality traits that irritate or that you or your partner are not going to make a lot of money or your spouse is putting on weight and no longer the beautiful thin thing you married. Maybe you need to accept differing political or religious beliefs.

As the years go by, our list gets longer, but we continue to try to accept each other as the imperfect people that we are. One of the wonderful perks of this time of life is we do know each other so well.

A real key to a successful empty nest marriage is accepting each other as a package deal. The good comes with the bad. Realizing your spouse will never change those little irritating quirks in his or her personality is a step forward in building a long term successful marriage.

Moving on

And what did we do after we made our “we’ll never do” list? First we acknowledged that there were some things we just had to accept and let go of if we wanted to continue to grow together.

Then, we looked toward the future and made another list – this one was our “what we will do in the empty nest” list. It included those things we chose to do to make the rest of our marriage the best. We share our list with you in hopes that it will inspire you to make you own “what we will do” list for your empty nest.

Things we will do in our empty nest

• We will release and let go of our missed dreams and disappointments with each other, with our children, with our parents and with ourselves.
• We will accept each other as a package deal.
• We will keep on forgiving and asking each other for forgiveness when we blow it.
• We will renew our commitment to each other and to growing together in the second half of our marriage.

Let us encourage you to make a fresh commitment to yourself, to your spouse and to your marriage. It’s time to move on in your marriage. Trust us, the best is just up ahead.

Related reading:
- Should you sell your house? Now that the kids are gone, is it time to move?
- Having trouble coping with an ‘empty nest’? If you’d like to talk to someone about it, feel free to talk with an online mentor by email today. It’s free and confidential.

I said, “It’s going to be awfully quiet around here this fall, maybe we should get a dog

He said, “Don’t even think about it (long pause)…besides IF we ever got a dog, we’d get a real dog like a golden lab retriever. But we’re not getting a dog!”

(Long silence.) I thought, “Guess we’ll have to get two dogs, a fluffy one for me and a real one for him.”

Filling the empty nest

Our daughter is moving to Ontario for university this fall, so we’ll be Empty Nesters. Everyone is telling us how quiet it will be without her. Taking this to heart, I’m thinking that maybe we should get a dog to fill our empty nest. Having always been a cat owner and not knowing anything about dogs, I’m thinking that having a dog in the house would be like having a teenager – demanding, messy, needing to be let out of the house, noisy, taking up space, needing to be fed and watered. Sounds like your average teenager, right? And wanting to avoid this thing called Empty Nest Syndrome, I’m casting about.

Years ago, when I was studying Gerontology at Simon Fraser University, I remember reading about Empty Nest Syndrome that’s experienced by a small percentage of women. The Gerontology research in the early 90s indicated that it was a diagnosable condition with symptoms that included a sense of loss and varying degrees of depression. Those women who were diagnosed with Empty Nest Syndrome tended to be completely absorbed with their children to the exclusion of all else. When their kids moved on and they had nothing to fill the void, they experienced an enormous sense of loss, often accompanied by depression and this was labeled Empty Nest Syndrome.

I’ve got a lot of irons in the fire, besides kids, but ENS doesn’t sound like something that I want, so I thought that maybe we should get a dog…or two to fill the void when our daughter moves to Toronto.

Surviving the empty nest

Then my sister sent us a book - very timely! It’s called Leaving Home Survival of the Hippest by Andie Parton and Lynn Johnston. Lynn Johnson is the creator of the popular family cartoon strip For Better or For Worse. Having launched three kids of her own, my sister knew that this book would be invaluable – full of advice, wisdom and good humour.  I guarantee that it will bring back memories of what it was like when you or your kids moved out of home, especially the sections called Roommates: Crash Course in Compatibility; When the Money Runs out Before the Month Does: No Green = No Groceries; and Budget is Not a Four-Letter Word.

I’m glad that Parton and Johnston wrote this book. Not only did it make me feel better about our soon to be empty nest, but it saved us a lot of talking to our daughter about the real world of living away from home. In the final chapter, the authors list Reality Checks for the Newly Departed, which include among others, the following:

Reality checks for the newly departed:

1. Your mother is no longer the alarm clock.
2. There is no housecleaning fairy.
3. Childhood is gone.
4. No curfew.
5. You are an adult now, a force to be reckoned with.
6. The mail is always for you.

After reading this, I concluded that there were going to be some real perks to being an Empty Nester and here they are:

Reality checks for an empty nester:

1. My truck will be always be clean.
2. I’ll have a full tank of gas.
3. The phone ringing will be for us.
4. My stash of junk food won’t disappear into thin air.
5. The kitchen counter will be clear of books, knapsacks, bags and clothes.
6. I’ll serve meatloaf for dinner.
7. I can talk to strangers in the grocery line up.
8. I can sleep with both eyes and ears closed for the first time in 18 years.
9. I won’t have to use a GPS to find the washer and dryer in the laundry room.
10. We can run around the house starkers and not have to close the bedroom door!

And about those dogs to fill our empty nest? I talked to a breeder and here was the reality check – puppies keep you awake all night; they chew the furniture; they have to be potty trained; they may have to sleep in your bedroom for awhile; you can’t leave them and go away for a few days; they’re often as much or more work than a new baby. I’m thinking, “I’m NOT gonna git me a dawg – that empty nest looks pretty darn good!”

Copyright Age Matters Communications Group Inc. July 17, 2003

Join me as we listen in on a family meeting.

Ralph and Eva are 80 and 78 and still live in their own home. 55 year-old Rick and his wife Pat live in the area and already have three grandchildren. 49 year old daughter Marlene is divorced and lives in Toronto. The meeting is taking place in Ralph and Eva’s living room with Marlene joining them by speaker phone. There have been many letters, phone calls and e-mails, but now it’s time to talk.

Son Rick starts the discussion: “Mom and Dad you know we all love you and care about you both so very much. We want to be sure that you are safe and healthy. We don’t want to interfere because we know how much you value your independence, but we are noticing some changes taking place. We’ve all been afraid to talk to you about these things because we don’t want to hurt your feelings and make you upset.”

Daughter Marlene on the speaker phone: “I really appreciate your letters and the time we spend on the phone together. You always tell me everything is going along just fine and you don’t need any help, but sometimes I don’t believe you. I can’t help you financially and I’m not able to be there to give you support when you need it. Sometimes I feel guilty that you are getting older and I’m not doing enough.

“During our last conversation I told you that because of your age you should sell the house and move into a seniors home. I really didn’t think that one through before I said it. I didn’t consider all the changes that would bring into your lives. I spoke too soon.”

Ralph speaks up: “You don’t know how wonderful it feels to be able to talk openly about our ‘getting old’ issues with our family. We know you are worried about us – we’ve sensed that for a while. I’ll let you in on a few secrets. Sometimes it gets a bit annoying when you ‘double-check’ everything we do. (I think our minds are still good) We don’t always tell you about our visits to the doctor because when we do we usually end up with dozens of pages of medical advice from your computer. At that point we are really confused as to who to believe.

“We knew this meeting was coming up and mom and I talked a few things over. The most important thing to us is to be able to stay in our own home as long as we can! We don’t want to feel pushed to move if that is what you are thinking. In our minds we don’t need to ‘fix something that isn’t broken yet.’ Both of us have decided to listen to your advice and get some help around the house and yard.

“I know we’ve been calling you, Rick, every time something needs attention and that has probably been stressful for you. (You are a very busy man right now.) We’ve saved a bit of extra money and have decided to hire someone to cut the grass and look after  maintenance around here. It’s hard for me to spend the money but I know if we want to stay here it’s the right thing to do.”

Rick’s response: “We only want what’s best for you. I’m so happy you are finally telling us what you really want. I always felt I was having to ‘second guess’ what you were saying. Pat and I will do everything we can to let you stay right where you are. All of us love coming over to your place. We were having a hard time imagining you leaving it.”

Marlene on the phone: “I’ve enjoyed a good relationship with you mom and dad. You’ve always been there for me – that’s for sure. I promise to let you make your own choices and I will support your decisions if you promise to be absolutely open with me. I’m not going to feel guilty anymore because I live so far away, and I further promise to weed your garden when I come out this summer. (You know how much I hated that when I was a kid.)

“I feel today that I’m getting a chance to love and understand you in a new way. I was secretly dreading you getting older and not really knowing what to do or say.”

The family meeting ended and life went on. Ralph and Eva lived in their own home for four more years before moving willingly to a seniors home. This family developed a process to understand the problems they would face and a plan of how to cope. They avoided the cycle of guilt, resentment, anger and bitterness.

Good advice: Face reality now. Talk, communicate, discuss….

© Allen Unrau

The ideal home is one that you like, one that fits you and your needs, makes you feel comfortable and safe. The ideal elder home includes all of these attributes

Age in place?

When you age in place, you live in the same community until you die. This does not necessarily mean you live in the same residence until you die, although it can mean that.

Moving is always stressful, but leaving the family home after more than half a century as a result of a life-changing illness that will never go away and will always have to be managed is a trauma and a disaster waiting to happen.

I wrote Making the Right Move: Housing Options for Seniors to help the elderly and their loved ones make the “move-or-not-move decision” after informed inquiry – and before any decision have to be made.

If people who consult the book feel they are doing the right thing for themselves or a loved one once all the decision that must be made are made and are making those decisions in a timely manner, my fondest hopes will have been fulfilled.

Today’s elders are the parents of the leading-edge boomers who are now in their late 50s. The boomers have changed the way we live throughout their lives; they will change how elders are treated.

I doubt, for example, they will tolerate shared rooms in nursing homes or a nursing-home regimen that limits baths to one a week. Both are currently typical.

Maintaining independence

Elders are very vital contributors to our society. Therefore having healthy elders becomes a priority and their housing, because housing is a determinant of health, becomes a priority. To be healthy you need to feel safe, secure and needed within your home and your neighbourhood. Having a sense of independence is part of that.

Nursing homes for intermediate care and especially nursing homes for chronic or extended care are not usually very good at promoting resident independence. (It is faster and easier for the health care aid to do things for you than with you.)

One statistic is that 40 percent of US nursing-home residents could have been better cared for in a less intense setting. This means that making the right move for an elderly person may be to another place other than a nursing home.

Complicated choices

Choosing the right home is a complicated process. Unfortunately, most people who have to make the decision to move make it only when there is a crisis. They get sick and cannot cope any longer in their present setting.

A nursing home seems the only choice because they have not heard of, or seen, any suggested by professionals. When choosing a nursing home, the most commonly asked questions are: where is the home located? Is a private room available? And how much does it cost?

There are so many more things to consider

Does this dwelling have a garden, for example, and offer places for you to walk safely within your complex? It is easy to get a wheelchair out to the garden? Do the doors automatically open and have no sills to manoeuvre over? Is there a covered entrance so you do not get wet from the rain or slip on the ice when you get out of the car? Is this dwelling near to amenities that have been important all you life – a library, a bank, a hospital?

These are just a few of the questions you should be considering about the physical environment. You also have to frame questions about the mental or spiritual environment.

Is this nursing home resident-centered? Are the programs and amenities right for you? Can you be alone or conduct a private conversation other than in your room? If soaking in a hot tub relaxes you, is one provided? If you like to play bridge, is there a group you can join? Are there activities besides mindless games like bingo? One home I know of takes residents and care-givers yearly to Hawaii for a holiday.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

It is important that residents are respected by staff. Do staff kindly and gently touch residents and squat down to talk to them at eye level if they are in a wheelchair? Again this is just a sample of the questions that will help you evaluate mental and spiritual aspects of a home.

Cost factors

Cost is another of the common questions asked. Assisted-living nursing homes are expensive they can range from $1,500 to $12,000 (cdn) per month. Each province has different expenses they cover for long-term care because elder’s home care is not part of the Canada Health Act.

British Columbia residents are better off than other Canadians because limited home care and extended/chronic care are covered and the upper levels of intermediate care are also subsidized. The cost of a subsidized bed is not for the health care provided, but for accommodation only. The problem is that there are few low-cost alternatives. The government subsidizes some nursing home beds and very few alternatives.

One low-cost alternative is granny flats. In Australia, mobile-home-type unit attached to an adult child’s home permit granny to live independently and the family to help out as needed. In Canada, we have in-law suites that serve the same purpose.

Another low-cost alternative is Abbeyfield, developed in England, in which 12 to 15 residents live independently in a home and meals are provided by a housekeeper/cook. There are more than 20 of these homes in BC.

Home care is the alternative the government provides but it is so rationed that without supplementing the care offered people are generally unsafe and end up back in emergency with another crisis.

For the wealthy, home care is how they are able to age in place. They gradually add caregiver hours until someone is looking after them 24 hours a day. The cost for a companion/care aide is about $6,000 to $10,000 per month.

There are stories in my book about how my mother negotiated with the health-care system and was able to die at home. The stories in Making the Right Move are grounded in reality. Only the names have been changed.

Half a century ago most families stayed in the same area.

There is an old Dutch proverb that says: “A happy new home is one where you can’t see the smoke from your parent’s chimney.”  That may be true, but everyone you knew lived within an hour of each other.

Things changed dramatically in the last half of the century and Canadian families are now spread out geographically.

Children went to the city for further education and never returned to the area where they grew up.  Maybe they met their future husband or wife and ended up moving across the country when they married.  Good jobs required moves and relocation if you wanted to move up the ladder.  Transfers moved families all over this country.  You’ve done your best to keep in touch, but it’s just not been the same as living near your family.  Some of your grandchildren are already as tall as you and you don’t feel you really know them as well as you would like to.

Retirement gives you a lot of choices

Should you stay where you are or have you always wanted to move closer to your children and grandchildren? Do you know for sure that they want you closer to them?  Will you be able to make new friends when you move or will you be relying totally on your family for the relationships you need in your life?

Will you end up becoming a baby sitter, cook, cleaner and gardener for your adult children?  Maybe you can’t wait to be able to help them out, but you need to consider these things in advance.

What about your son-in-law or daughter-in-law?  How do they feel about having you closer?  Have you been open with each other and talked through all the issues in advance?  Do they have blended families and how will you grandparent role fit with stepchildren?

Maybe you are moving because of guilt. You feel that you haven’t spent enough time with them or they want you near because they feel guilty about not having made enough effort to get together with you in the past.  Adult children and their parents sometimes play games with each other.  Adult children may send messages they feel their parents want to hear or messages that will not upset their parent, rather than what is true.  So, be careful and above all be honest with each other before you pull up stakes.

What if you follow the kids and they don’t have time for you?

Remember, their life is probably a balancing act right now.  They are responsible for many things and many people and their schedule may be very full!  You probably have expectations about the help you would like from them at this stage of your life.  Can they meet your expectations and will it be a joy or a burden for them?

“Knowing what it would be like” is often difficult to achieve without “actually doing it.”  If you move, you would be wise to arrange for help from other sources for some of your needs so as not to rely totally on your family and overwhelm them. Make it a comfortable transition for everyone involved.

Do you get the feeling they want you closer?

If so, you are the most fortunate person in the world!  Seize the opportunity…family is everything!

Article © Allen Unrau, used with permission