Several routes to this disastrous awakening exist. The first is obvious: perhaps you had sex with several guys before you were married, and it was an empty experience. Most teenage girls who sleep around, for instance, don’t experience orgasm, and often don’t really experience much arousal at all. The guys aren’t really into giving the girls pleasure; they’re too young and immature. So your body doesn’t necessarily learn how to become aroused, and sex isn’t that exciting.

The other route is the exact opposite. You did everything right. You waited until you were married to make love, but your husband was so into it that everything happened very fast. He liked it so much that he wanted to all the time. So it became a chore. You never really “awakened” love.

What’s all the fuss about?

I think many women are in this situation. They just don’t see what all the fuss with sex is about. It seems like everyone is lying to them. It’s as if culture is trying to con women into thinking it’s something great, so that you’ll want to make love all the time, but the truth is it’s not that great at all. They start to believe that sex was designed for men, and it’s a big rip off.

If this is you, your love was awakened too early, and in the wrong way. And chances are you’ve become a little bitter about sex. It’s just something else on your to-do list. Then you read on blogs that Christian women are supposed to understand how much their husbands need sex, and you’re supposed to put out. Oh, great. That’s really fun now, isn’t it?

I understand. Believe me, I do. But I also think that there’s a way past this, and I want to share it with you today to offer some hope.

How to awaken love again

Maybe what you need to do is to awaken love again. Talk to your husband about it, and if he will agree, take a sexual hiatus for two or three weeks, or longer if you have to. During that time you agree not to make love. That way the pressure is off. You’re not working towards some goal anymore. Instead, take that time to explore. Lie naked together and just touch each other. Let him touch you and figure out what actually feels good. Have baths together.

It may kill him, and so I really don’t recommend that this last very long for his sake. But I think some women need to be reminded that they do, actually, have a sex drive. It’s just buried and never really woke up for a whole variety of reasons. We need to figure out what feels good, and he needs to figure out what to do to make you feel good. You can also have fun with his body, too, when you realize that your performance isn’t the point of the evening.

I don’t recommend this for everyone (though it is fun for a night every now and then in almost any marriage), but if you talk with your husband and explain it, I think it can revolutionize many marriages.

 Take the next step:

I love my husband, but I don’t like sex
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Help! My husband doesn’t want sex 

10. Tools. Unless she’s a handywoman or she’s told you her great desire to take out the bathtub and build a new one, I’d save the wrenches for someone else—maybe yourself.

9. A vacuum. Any cleaning or kitchen appliance says, “Honey, clean the house for me.” Your wife or girlfriend wants to be more than the housekeeper in your life.

8. A cookbook. “She has to cook all the time,” the rationale may go, “I’ll get her a cookbook!” But see the rationale for #9: She wants to be reminded how she is special and appreciated at Christmas time, not given more work to do!

7. Clothes. Now, some men are very good at buying clothes and they know the exact size of their woman. However, you must keep in mind that women are shaped very differently and sizes can vary depending on the store. For example, I am a size 2 at one store and a size 4 at another, and I have shirts that are size small or large. To avoid complications, I suggest buying a gift certificate at your wife or girlfriend’s favorite mall, or bring her sister or best friend to pick out the clothing with you!

6. Tickets to the monster truck rally. I have a feeling that I’m in the minority when it comes to women who might enjoy a monster truck rally, so if I were you, I wouldn’t even bother lining up for tickets. And yes, this includes the car show, the motorcycle show, the boat show, NASCAR races…OK, you get my point.

5. Tires. Continuing the car theme, while your wife might need new tires for her car, she doesn’t necessarily want them as a Christmas gift. In fact, unless she’s a real greasemonkey or you’re buying her a completely new car, it’d be best to avoid car-related gifts entirely.

4. Computer equipment. There is a short list of tech gadgets, like an iPad, that are a good gift. But whether it’s a new printer or a copy of Microsoft Office or QuickTax, Christmas just isn’t the time to buy hardware or software for your wife or girlfriend. Wait until you’re both doing your taxes.

3. Socks. Yes, socks are useful, but they’re just not the type of Christmas gift a woman is thrilled about. I don’t feel a need to explain further.

2. Fruitcake. Yes, Christmas fruitcakes last about 12 years, but that’s because nobody eats them. And neither will your wife.

1. Membership to a diet program. Maybe she’s told you that she’s always wanted to join one. Maybe she’s told you that she thinks she’s fat. Does that mean you think she’s not beautiful and won’t be until she loses weight? I sure hope not. But that’s exactly what a membership to a diet program says. Exercise videos have the same effect. Men, flee from the infomercials that convince you otherwise! I suggest giving her something that makes her feel special and loved. Be thoughtful about it, and don’t forget to tell her how beautiful you think she is this holiday season.

Take the next step:

8 Ways to romance your wife 
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Through the curtains my husband handed me a towel.  As I wrapped the fresh white towel around my shivering shoulders, deep warmth wrapped itself all around my thawing frame.  My husband had warmed the towel in the dryer!  I cannot describe how magical it felt.

The warmth of the towel seeped into my skin as my husband’s thoughtfulness saturated my soul.  I felt loved.  What a gift! It was a simple act of kindness that warmed my body and heart.

Now… before you start thinking that this kind of romance naturally occurs within the Born household, can I set the record straight?  This wasn’t my hubby’s own idea.  Nope.  He didn’t come up with this on his own. He got it from a book.  But… who cares? As I enshrouded my body with that warm towel, I didn’t give a hoot where the idea came from.  I was relishing in his implementation of the idea. That was the gift.

Have you got a Christmas gift for your spouse yet?  According to the guy on the radio, if you don’t have your gifts by now… it’s too late.  But I don’t believe him.  Come on, they’ve been playing Christmas music for months already.  The pressure tactics of consumerism are little over the top.

For Christmas this year, my husband and I are giving each other the gift of attending a marriage conference together.  Now, marriage conferences aren’t cheap, so we’ll be saving up for it. But I’m thinking it’ll be more like an investment. One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is the desire to learn new ways of saying “I love you” – whether the ideas come from a book, a marriage seminar or from your own creativity.  No matter what stage a marriage is at (and we’ve been through ebbs and flows of our own) there is always hope for a deeper and more meaningful relationship.

So with the warm towel in mind, think about giving a gift that will change your relationship.  Find out new ways to say I love you.  Pick up a marriage book.  Plan to attend a marriage seminar.  Go for coffee with a friend and share some ideas.  Choosing to learn new ways to love your spouse is a life-changing gift. Now that’s a real gift.

Take the next step:

Find a marriage conference near you: US schedule Canadian schedule
Do you have questions about marriage? Come talk to a mentor

Originally posted on dorisdoumaborn.wordpress.com . Used with permission.

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