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“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

Do you find yourself paying unusual attention to a verse of scripture or words of another with a sense of “knowing” that the Lord is speaking to you?  It happened to me the other day reading a devotional and later in conversation with a friend who follows the Lord.

In Streams in the Desert by L. B. Cowman on August 25th, page 325 it says “Moses attempted the deliverance of his people by using self effort, his personal influence, and even violence.  So God “locked him up” for forty years in the wilderness before he was prepared for His work.”  Later in conversation, my friend mentioned casually that it is the Lord who is living His life through us – the fruit we bear is as a result of His working.

The Lord had my attention.  When I survey the past few years I believe He is trying to teach me to rest in Him and allow His Spirit to lead and guide.  He is the one who can do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine.  He is the one who saves souls.  The work of God – no matter what He has called us to – cannot be accomplished through self effort or personal influence.

May the Lord enable us to depend upon and trust Him, to walk in His power, and to allow Him to live His life through us.  May He teach us, like Moses, the way of faith – trusting Him for the fruit.

“But I know that the king of Egypt will not let you go unless a mighty hand forces him.  So I will raise My hand and strike the Egyptians, performing all kinds of miracles among them.  Then at last he will let you go.  And I will cause the Egyptians to look favorably on you.”  Exodus 3:19-21a

Prayer:

Father God, you are the One who knew Pharoah’s heart and what it would take to free your people. You worked miracles, raised Your hand to help and to intervene, You caused hearts to change and even favor to fall on Your people.  You accomplished the work…help us to trust and depend upon You regardless of the road we are walking or what You have called us to do.  The principle is the same today…You do the work! Amen.

 Questions: What are you depending upon?  Are you trying to bring about the Lord’s will using personal power and influence?  Are you just trying harder and harder?

When Jesus loves, he works up a sweat; he rolls up his sleeves, gets on his knees, and washes our feet with his blood, sweat, and tears.

He labors at love, though his love is never like labor. He’s a giver, not a taker, loving us into being with a gifted carpenter’s hands. And he’s no slacker, loving us until we can take no more; no more because we’re filled to overflowing, his love spilling and splashing through our pores into the cores of those we love with his love, a love’s labor not lost on a world that needs to be found.

He wrestles our fears and wrangles our doubts and labors at love until he’s exhausted, lying prone in a garden, drinking from God’s cup the nourishment necessary for one last heroic sweaty, bloody, tearful lift of the Father’s infinite love; ready to die for God’s undying love.

A Jesus-love sticks to it, even when the it seems like an unstickable fury that’s no longer fun or convenient or even something you want to do. Jesus keeps on laboring in you and through you, finishing what he started, loving until the last with a love that lasts forever (John 13:1).

Question: What example of Jesus’ labor in love is most striking to you, and why?

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There is great satisfaction in a job well done, but there is also a danger.

Pride, that insidious sin, tends to swell our brains so that they can no longer think straight.

Although we often begin with the right attitude, using the gifts God has given us – health, energy, creativity or intelligence – to work, learn and produce, sometimes in the end our perspective becomes distorted. We start to think too highly of ourselves and forget that it was God who enabled us to accomplish these things in the first place.

In the Old Testament judgment was proclaimed on the city of Tyre, not because of their ambition or skill, but because they had grown proud.

“By your great skill in trading you have increased your wealth, and because of your wealth your heart has grown proud.” (Ezekiel 28:5)

“Your heart became proud on account of your beauty, and you corrupted your wisdom because of your splendor” (Ezekiel 28:17).

We can keep ourselves from falling into the same trap of arrogance by remembering that everything we have is a gift from God.

“For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not” (1 Corinthians 4:7)?

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17).

God give me a grateful heart to always remember that everything thing I have – my intelligence, beauty, athletic ability, musical talent – is a gift from You. Thank you for the amazing things You have done in me and through me; may I never forget Your work in me and grow proud.

Questions: In what situations are you in danger of growing proud? What helps keep you from falling into the trap of pride?

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Mistakes aren’t fun, but they are powerful teachers. Wouldn’t it be great if we could keep all of the wisdom that we have gained from our mistakes, while at the same time being set free from the guilt or regret of those mistakes. It may seem impossible, but there  is a way to live guilt free, a way to be forgiven.  Discover it for yourself.

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Does your career own you?

Fortunately sheer hours do not determine a workaholic, but workaholics definitely work longer than most. What sets them apart is their sense of being out of control, as well as valuing busyness over relationships. Dr. Bryan Robinson, a leading researcher on work and relationships, defines workaholism as “a compulsive and progressive, potentially fatal disorder characterized by self-imposed demands, compulsive overworking, inability to regulate work habits, and overindulgence in work to the exclusion and detriment of intimate relationships and major life activities.”

What about you? Do you tend to:
• Feel rushed, busy, and multi-tasked?
• Work more than socialize?
• Hate being interrupted from your work?
• Feel guilty when you’re not working?
• Get impatient when you’re not “in control”?
• Become upset when others don’t measure up to your work standards?
A“yes” to some or any of these questions may signal a workaholic spirit.

Who Cares? Isn’t Work a Virtue?

True, work is good, important, and necessary. Right from the start God gave Adam and Eve the task to steward the garden. In the book of Genesis it says he placed Adam in Eden “to work it and take care of it.” We all know that a garden grows better when we add fresh soil, till packed earth, and spread moist compost. You can tell when a garden has received watchful, effortful attention.

We also know that healthy work gives us a sense of purpose and accomplishment, and earns us an income, which makes us feel good. Without work, everyday life would bump to a stop, for working gives us clean homes, kept parks, safe roads, and productive businesses. The place where work turns from virtue to vice is in our heart when we allow it to consume us, rather than us engaging it for our own directed purposes.

Okay, so can hard work really hurt my marriage?

Well that depends on what you’re working hard at. If you’re working diligently at your career, but sloughing off in your relationships, then yes, you’re headed for trouble. What does it look like to be engrossed with your job, but coasting in your relationships? Here are some signs.

• You ask someone a question, but miss their answer because your head is “somewhere else.”
• You spend little if any time thinking about your loved ones’ needs and wants.
• You tend to forget, ignore, or minimize birthdays, reunions, anniversaries or holidays in favor of work.
• You identify more with your position at work than your role as spouse, parent, or friend.
• Your spouse and kids cover for you when you’re absent from public family gatherings.
• When you’re home, you feel emotionally drained and detached from those around you.
• Your family has to “tip toe” around you lest you blow up at some minor offence.

The cancer at the root of these symptoms may be that we think careers take work, but marriage and family life are easy. A good, happy relationship does not just spring to life when we meet Mr. Right, or Miss Ideal.  They get knit together one stitch at a time through effort.

So what can I do if I feel like a workaholic?

I think the first question we need to ask is, What are we here for? And second, What should be the nature of our existence? I think the answer to the first is purpose, and the second is presence.

We gain purpose when we can see the reason for our work, and for our relationships, rather than feel they are a meaningless going-through-the-motions. My conviction is that life is about loving God and serving others. What is your purpose in life? If it’s to get rich or earn prestige, then perhaps that’s what’s driving your workaholism. Or maybe you work to forget past hurts, or to ignore current ones. If so, then your work is driven by wounds.

We gain presence when we reprioritize our values to create margin so we can offer attention and emotional support in our relationships. If your family has ever said, “you’re physically here, but your brain is somewhere else,” you know you lack emotional presence. I like the advice that says, “wherever you are, be all there.” So how do we gain purpose and presence?

1. If you’re really concerned about your work interfering with family life, seek professional help. The key is that you’ve identified the pattern, and can point to feelings and behaviors you think indicate a problem. I recommend you find a counselor if you identify with the indicators bulleted above.

2. Realize that with only 24 hours in a day, every minute spent at work means another minute lost at home. In Choosing to Cheat: Who Wins when Family and Work Collide?, Andy Stanley observes that broadly speaking all cheating is about trading one thing we value for something we don’t, and this normally entails trading an intangible virtue for some tangible reward. Are you trading away your marriage (an intangible I would call faithfulness) for the tangible rewards of promotion and toys? It sounds blunt, but if you can get your work done in eight hours, do. Put the laptop away, turn off the Blackberry, go home, and engage your family.

3. Recognize that all relationships require work. They aren’t easy. Pastor Ed Harris says it well:

All relationships require work. This is one of the most overlooked and under-appreciated areas of our human being tool chest. We think just because someone is married to us or that we have a few friends on Facebook and folks humor us by laughing at our jokes, that we have mastered the art of having a good relationship. Think again. Just like any other working organism, whether it is mechanical or flesh and blood, it requires maintenance, work and dedication.

This is a revelation to some.

4. Realize that the effects of your workaholism on your family are real. We’d like to think otherwise—that our spouse is strong, our kids resilient. Or we might think the benefits of our hard work outweigh its detriments. A young woman, Marin, would disagree.  She writes:

Most of my childhood, my dad was a severe workaholic. He worked as much as he could and made as much money as possible. That was what was important to him. He was doing it to support the family and give us extras, so I guess you could argue that the family was important to him, but it felt like work was more important because that is where he spent his time.

His workaholism put strains on all of our relationships. We kids were scared of setting him off or becoming angry with him. It changed the way that we behaved toward each other and outsiders.

I found that I have inherited the same tendencies. When I work excessively hard, I can become depressed, and then I become like a sloth. I don’t want to do anything, not even have fun or invest in others.

5. Negotiate your priorities with your spouse and family. We show our loved ones presence when we sit down, give full eye contact, listen actively, and talk about life, together. We show it in partnering with them about decisions small and large. For example, what plans might you agree on for tonight? The weekend? Your next vacation? Or, how do you hope to spend that nest egg? Will it be to visit your folks, or the in-laws, or to just get away by yourselves? If we put effort into our relating, similar to that put into career or housework or busyness, we’re bound to build hope.

When I consider deep sources for purpose and presence, I consider Jesus who said, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11: 28-30)

Jesus isn’t promising a bed of roses when we give our burdens to him, but he says his way gives rest, yields life, for it means not chasing achievement and accumulation or ignoring our hurts and wounds. His purpose provides meaning to love him and the people around us, people who become our allies as we face life’s challenges together.

Have you lost your family because you put business before your family? Watch this video and learn how Bud Paxon dealt with it.

The things that draw us together when dating and getting to know each other are often the very things that cause conflicts

In our twenty plus years of marriage, finances have been always been an area that brings out the  differences between my husband and I.  I remember finances coming up as an issue for the first time while we were dating.  I had received some money as a gift and was excited to have some money to spend, on me.  His first reaction and strong suggestion was that I put it toward my school bill.  YUCK!  That thought had not even crossed my mind. This money was prioritized for FUN, obviously!

Finding a budget that works for us

When we first were married, he drew up a budget. That was a very responsible and good thing to do as newlyweds with very limited resources.  Except that, I hate budgets!  I fully endorse wise financial decisions, and often a budget is a means to this end, but my personality hates budgets!  He asked me to keep track of every receipt so we could track our spending.  UGH!  It truly is not possible for me, and I was VERY frustrated when I tried to do it.

We have always lived on a budget, but it has morphed and changed over the years for a couple of reasons. First, I hate the word “budget”.  I feel myself choking just by saying that word, because I feel controlled by the “mighty budget”.  Believe it or not, changing that word to a “spending plan”, brings a much needed sigh of relief for me.  I can relax and know that I am in control of the plan to spend.

When we changed the terminology and tweaked a few ways of doing things, it made a huge difference for us.  To him it was just a word, but he never belittled me or mocked me. He recognized my need in this and now calls it by the new name.  I recognize his need to know where our money is going, and with the spending plan I can keep track of what goes where.

We made our differences work for us instead of against us. No two people are the same so they have different priorities.  There are several things that can help in understanding your personality differences and using this knowledge to enhance your marriage.

1. Understand what the differences are.

My idea of a fun birthday is “the more the merrier”.  A party is an excellent idea with games and great food and 15-20 minimum of my closest friends.  When we were first married I didn’t understand my husband’s desire to have birthdays and Christmas as just us.  The “us” has grown from the two of us to the five of us over the past 20 years.  I have come to accept this as one of our differences.  I gain energy from people.  My husband enjoys a select few people and is drained by interaction with people.  He gains energy from down time, quiet time and going out “just us”.  We have come to an agreement over the years that I get to throw him a party on the decade birthdays, and it is just us the rest of the time.

2.  Understand why the differences are that way. Often times we think the other person is doing that “thing” just to irritate us and they should stop, just because. . . In reality that “thing” is often an innate part of their personality that they really cannot change without great difficulty.  Doing a personality test is a great help to learn why you do what you do.  Here at FamilyLife Canada we use the Personal Style Indicator.  There are many options to choose from.

3. Accept the differences and stop trying to change each other. There are many things in our relationship where change is not necessary, acceptance is.  However, no one is perfect and owning our weaknesses is important. Each of us is a work in progress.  The first step is to turn your eyes back to yourself.  What complaints does your spouse have that you need to work on?  You cannot change anyone else so if change is needed, start with yourself.  Next, I suggest you make a list of all the things you love and appreciate about your spouse, remember the things that brought you together.  Look at that list and see how much you are drawn to the personality you married.  Then accept some of the things that may bug you, and let stuff go.  Perspective can make a huge difference.

4.  Focus on your spouses’ needs. This will require some shifting for each of you.  A good starting point is asking yourselves if something is of larger importance to one of you than the other. Once you identify some of those things one of you shifts to accommodate the other.  For example, in our finance story I got hung up on the word “budget”.  My husband shifted to “spending plan” for me because the new terminology was no big deal for him.  This example was something kind of silly, but it mattered to me.  There will be things in every marriage that will be on the “kind of silly, but matters” list, and there will be things on the REALLY matters list.  Work together to identify some areas in which each of you can shift to accommodate each other.

Finally, communicate with each other.  Communication is so important! Talk things through, make a plan and celebrate the unique couple the two of you are together!  Find a book on personality styles to help you.  How do you see the differences in your marriage?  How have your differences helped you do life stronger and better?  What hurdles do you currently need to overcome, together?