Trust is like Gravity

Written by Claire Colvin

trust-blog2 Trust is like gravity – you only notice when it’s missing . Also like gravity, trust is what keeps us grounded.  Whether you are conscious of it or not, you and I are constantly making decisions based on trust.  Do you trust that driver is going to stop at the red?  Do you trust the total on your receipt? Do you trust the sign that claims those apples are organic?  Trust forms a foundation under almost everything.  It’s even more apparent when it comes to love.

I’ve seen a thousand Hallmark cards about love, but I’ve never seen one that celebrates trust.  I wonder why that is? Trust is silent, but vital.  If there’s no trust in your relationship you will feel it.  In love, as in life, we are constantly choosing based on trust.  Will he show up? Did she really mean that? Does he feel that way about me? Will she laugh when I’m gone?

Shakespeare warned us, “Love all, but trust a few.”  Love is easy.  Trust takes time and effort.  For many people, trust can be scarier than being in love.  Trust puts us in a vulnerable position.   But is this openness, this willingness to be seen that creates a place where love can flourish.  Although it can be scary, if the person is truly worthy of your trust, being in their hands is the safest place of all.

Trust allows you to reveal who you really are. In spite of all the tricks we use to try and impress someone during the early stages of dating, intimacy is founded on knowing and being known. Your partner has to get to know the real you – what you’re like when you’re tired, angry, frustrated, elated or talking to your Mom on the phone. He has to love you as you are, not as he hopes you might be.  And you have to love him the same way.  Anything less won’t last.

To learn more about trust, read “Can You Trust Him”.  If you have been hurt by broken trust or just have questions, send us an email.  Our mentors would love to hear from you.  And in the meantime, how about that card?

7 Responses to “Trust is like Gravity”

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Antoinette, I’m glad to hear that you feel like you know what your next step is. I know this is a hard decision to make but know that you are not alone in this. If you’d like someone to pray for you in the days and weeks ahead you can use this form to submit your prayer request and someone from our team will pray for you.

  • Antoinette says:

    Thank you for your input, this is really an eye-opener.
    Especially from an outside point of view.

    Yes, in my heart I know that this life is not what I want – I have that fairy tale of a partner that I want – that can offer me emotional security.

    Im 36yrs old, never married – because I know what I want in life.
    I dont want to settle for less.

    I know what I need to do, it is JUST SO DIFFICULT to leave somebody when you LOVE them so much. – And it is so true what you said, I also tried loving him more, being more considered, being more sexier etc. – a relationship does not work from one side.

    And what is the point of being with that person, that breaks you down?

    Guys, thank you for your input – I have decided last night before I read your comments – that I’m going to make a move, and your comments just confirmed my thoughts and concerns.

    And yes, I’m also at fault – I let him treat me the way he did, I have put all my trust into him and not into God…..

    So I think that I need to start working on myself first, and get my life back together again – especially my relationship with God, and my self respect.

    THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU – Your words really helped!

    Regards
    A

  • Tamira O'Neal says:

    “Trust in the Lord with all your HEART, and lean not to your OWN understanding; in ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path.” May you be filled with the knowledge of God *will AND ways*, in ALL *wisdom(will) AND spiritual understanding*(ways).!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:-)))):-)))))):-))XOXOXOXOXOXOXOxxxxxxxxxxx>3*.* #BeBlessed

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Antoinette,

    I know that it’s really scary to even consider ending a relationship that is very important to you but as I read your comment I couldn’t help but notice how many red flags you’ve raised. In your comment you wrote that:

    – trust went out the door
    – he treated me like a slave
    – had no respect for me
    – he stopped caring
    – money is everything
    – he live life as only FOR HIMSELF
    – he got a bit violent with his ex-wife
    – he is scared that I’m only there after his money
    – he is too selfish to buy food for the house
    – he does not want to take care of me
    – he is not even worried that I dont have anything to eat

    What do you think when you see that list? You said that things got so bad you got shingles. This is serious and what you decide to do next is serious. I understand that your fiancé has had some horrible things happen to him (it sounds like he has had a brutal relationship with his father) but he is something that you need to know: YOU CANNOT FIX HIM. It is not your job to put the broken pieces back together. No one can do that except for God. It’s tempting to want to be the saviour, to fly in and make it all better, but that’s not within your power to give him.

    If you fiancé is willing to get some help I do believe that he could work through these issues and be a much better partner to you. But it’s really hard to go forward in a relationship hoping that the other person is going to do the hard work of change. That’s not a very strong position to start from.

    You wrote, “I & WE SHOULD BE SUPER EXCITED, But I find myself being SCARED and not sure if I want to do this.” I think you know in your heart, in your stomach, that there is reason to be concerned here. What would happen if you delayed? What if you didn’t move in together and gave it some more time, what would that look like?

    You mentioned that you thought that if you were financially secure it would fix things. I don’t think that it would. From what you’ve written here the main issue is trust and some real brokenness from past experiences. A new job isn’t going to fix that. More money is not going to fix that. And that’s actually good news because it means that you don’t have to wait for a job to come along, if you’re both willing to work at it you can start things right now.

    You asked if you’re being silly to have faith. There’s a difference between having faith and refusing to let go of someone. Years ago a good friend of mine gently told me that, “Claire, you cannot love enough for the pair of you.” He was right. I thought that if I loved harder, loved better, was more available, more pleasant, more sweet, more accommodating that I could, by the sheer force of my will, make the relationship work. I thought I could do the work of love for both of us and I thought that one day he’d see how much I loved him and he would love me better, he’d love me more. But it doesn’t work that way. I was settling for the crumbs and leftovers and it had to stop. It hurts to let go. It really, really hurts. But I promise you this: if it is time to walk away breaking off an engagement, though awful, hurts about a thousand times less than the agony of getting divorced.

    Trust doesn’t magically appear when you make your wedding vows and exchange rings. Trust takes work. It can be done, but only when both parties do the work.

  • Antoinette says:

    That is a good question!!

    When we got engaged, he wanted to get married straight away. But I told him that we should not rush it, as we only new each other 2 months.

    In the time that we got “engaged” – I lost my job. And this was the turning point in our relationship. The trust went out the door, he treated me like a slave – and had no respect for me. The situation got so bad – that I actually got singels….

    He stopped to care, and had little respect left for me.
    In his life – money is everything, I try to understand his issue – cause we all have issues and we are not allowed to judge a person, and I have a big heart for him.

    He has no trust, due to his life situations – and live life as only FOR HIMSELF.
    I suppose, that is the way he learnt to survive.

    He’s got two daughters, but not really involved in there lifes.
    I believe that he had a drinking problem, and got a bit violent with his ex-wife…
    But I must also say, that his ex-wife was playing him like a yo-yo! – spending all their money and making his life miserable.

    So on the end, they got divorsed
    (but I think that by loosing his family – really hurt him in the way that its too difficult to trust anybody that comes close to his heart)

    His dad, also played a part – and a couple of times my fionce cried like a baby about the things his dad did to him (my fionce was kicked out of the house when he was finished with school, with no reason – just that he needs to start his life on his own – then he went and studied (paid everything himself) but studied in the same field like his dad – so that when his dad retire, he can take over the family business. But his dad sold the business just before he graduated.

    He did all this, just for some repect from his dad – but his dad never acknowledge him in his life.

    My fionce is a good person, and fun to be with – and in the beginning he carried me on his hands. (that is why I asked him to marry me, he made me feel so special)
    We have so many things in common – and spending time with him is amazing.

    A couple of months ago, before I lost my job – we went house shopping for US.
    Eventually we saw a house that we both liked, and eventually he bought the house on his name.

    He will mention now and then something about the wedding – but there was a stage that he did not want me to talk about it.

    But a couple of times that I wanted to leave him, he asked me to stay – and even promised me that on our holiday he wanted to purpose to me (which never happend – and that is two weeks ago) – I know that we are engaged, but for some reason that is how he wants to put the ring on my finger….

    I think the only thing that would save us, if I got a proper job again – and can be financially stable. He is scared that I’m only there after his money, or taking him for a ride.
    I’ve even told him that I will sign a contract, stating if we dont work out – I will have no claim on any of his money or posessions.

    I thought that will give him a wake-up call – stating that my intentions are good and that I truly love for who he is and not his money.
    BUT
    For the last 2 days ive been crying my eyes out – cause he is too selfish to buy food for the house – he does not want to take care of me. He is not even worried that I dont have anything to eat….

    The end of the month, we suppose to move into our new house.

    THIS IS A BIG STEP FOR ME, the beginning of our lifes together on common ground.

    I & WE SHOULD BE SUPER EXCITED, But I find myself being SCARED and not sure if I want to do this.

    I wanted a life partner to be there for me, does not matter what happens in my life.
    I want to trust that person with my heart and life in his hands

    BUT NOW IM WONDERING IF I SHOULD? – CAN HE BE TRUSTED?

    IF OUR RELATIONSHIP FONDATION IS SO UNSTABLE, What is the use in trying to begin a life together…..? – but why is it so difficult to walk away, I actually dont want to walk away – I still have hope in my heart for us..

    Am I just being silly to have faith?

    Regards

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Antoinette, It sounds like you’re in a challenging situation. You love this man but you’re not sure if a life with his is a good idea or not. You said that he cannot share or compromise, that he lies to you and hides things from you. That’s a hard foundation to build a relationship on. As you’ve already discovered, waiting for things to change often results in very little change. It’s possible if he wants to make the change, but you can’t make it for him.

    When we get engaged it’s supposed to mean “I’m ready to marry you, right now.” It takes some time to plan the wedding, but emotionally, physically, spiritual, even financially, getting engaged means “Yes, I’m ready.” It has been 8 months and from what you’ve written it sounds like perhaps you’re not even wearing your engagement ring. In the last eight months has he acted like someone who is ready to get married? Does he talk about being married? Have the two of you started to make plans? How does he react when you mention the wedding?

    The real question you need to figure out is not “when will he change?” but “can I spend my life with him if he does not change?” Suppose that the two of you got married tonight, just as you are right now. Is that a life you’d be happy to live?

  • Antoinette says:

    I was hurt in the past, not just by a brake-up, but really hurt!
    It took me about 10years before I started dating again – eventually found the guy that I want to marry.

    I actually purposed to him in January 2013 – he said YES
    But now 8months later, the engagement ring is still in the cupboard.

    He was also hurt in the past – but he holds that against me. – Not trusting me.

    MONEY is his down fall – he does not trust anybody, but me being/suppose to be his partner in life – he cant trust..

    Its so bad that he will lie to me saying he does not have money for food…. Hiding the special baked cookies away, so that I dont eat it…

    AM I IN A LOOSING RELATIONSHIP?
    Is there any way that our relationship can work with such a big trust issue?

    I REALLY LOVE HIM, BUT HE CAN NOT SHARE OR COMPRIMISE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP – BUT I KEEP ON HOPING THAT THINGS WILL WORK OUT FOR US.

    what should or can I do?

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