Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex

Written by Neal Black

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There’s a love that can fill the void of a sexless life.

I agree with Dan Allendar when he says that, “Sex is volatile and it was meant to be.” For guys, when we are getting regular sex the world is as it should be and we are the confident male species ready to take on any challenge and defeat any enemy! On the other hand, a lack of sex causes us to plummet, doubt our self-worth and wonder, “what’s the use?”  This leads to some very common questions like:

Q:  My wife does not want to have sex. I take it personally and feel like she does not want me.  I am assuming it is her lack of desire for me.  I feel unloved and hurt by this. Am I right?

A:  Don’t jump to conclusions. There are many factors as to why your wife does not want to have sex and many may have little to do with you.

Wired differently

Because of the way we are wired, men and women have very different views of sex.  It begins with the chemicals in our brain. Men have a much higher level of testosterone than women do. That’s the chemical that causes us to think about and want sex. Women have a much higher level of oxytocin, which is sometimes called the “bonding hormone”. That’s the chemical that makes them want to connect.  So here we are with high testosterone ready to have sex and our wives with their high oxytocin are ready to snuggle.

She is wired to want connection as much as we want sex. “Hey we want connection!” I hear you say. Ya right!  We want to connect our body with hers! She wants you to be interested in her by giving her attention, listening and touching but only non-sexual touching. We are wired to feel fulfilled when we have sex, women are wired to feel fulfilled when they are bonding.

So it is easy to see there is going to be a frequency issue that has nothing to do with how desirable you are. Guys are wired to want more sex and women are wired for emotional connection. (Although in about 25% of relationships this is reversed – I met a couple of these guys but neither appreciated the great situation they were in.) Women can feel sexually fulfilled without having an orgasm during sex. I know, it’s mind boggling!

Part2:  Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex

219 Responses to “Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex”

  • John says:

    So, this June my wife and I will have been married for 19 years. When we first got married, we had sex on a very frequent basis, but over the last 10 years or so things have changed dramatically. I understand that with age, business, etc. things will change, but I also feel a little bit of the old bait and switch! We’ve talked about sex and she tells me that it’s all I think about. I would be extremely happy (extremely!) if we had sex twice a week, I would be completely satisfied if we had sex once a week. But the reality is it is more like once a month to once every 2 months or so. I’ve tried to explain that if we had sex more often, I wouldn’t be thinking about it as much. My point is, I am a Christ follower and I want to do right by my wife, but at the same time, not only do I feel completely depressed (b/c I feel as though she doesn’t desire me anymore, etc.) but I have thought about looking elsewhere, which makes me more depressed and makes things worse for me. What’s a guy supposed to do. We both work, we are both tired, we have three girls (high school, middle school & elementary school. I ALWAYS make time to listen to her talk when ever she wants to use me as a “sounding board” but the minute I bring up my needs, I’m the jerk for always wanting sex! Thoughts?

  • Alan says:

    Hello Andy – I sympathise – I was rejected 30 years ago by my wife – I tried drinking myself to death – I’m now tea total. I’ve had a couple of ops on my heart and do various exercise routines – I’m fitter than I’ve ever been. I cope because on chatting to my niece she suggested going to an escort agency – lots of lovely girls – no emotional ties to worry about – just sex. I should have done it years ago. I’m way past caring if I’m being unfaithful or not – she rejected me – hardly grounds for a happy marriage. You say you won’t – I’m glad I did – and life is worth living now.

  • Andy says:

    Married in 1989, probably had sex 20 times in absolute total, no children, now 54 never have and never will be unfaithful. I just don’t know what to or where to start,
    Am a used to total abstinence, separate rooms so fed up and embarrassed with rejection, if I could just fold up and leave it all I probably would

  • Joe says:

    Beth,

    Being in a marriage for 16 years so far and yeah, life’s tough. As a husband, kids, jobs, kids clubs, busy…busy. My wife want me to be there emotionally just as I want her for me physically. If I have to listen to her and be attentive for 20 minutes when the conversation could of been 5 minutes is the same thing. Guess what, been having the same boring sex with you for years probaly. Why can’t you be there for HIM and let his physical needs be met? The whole life is tough excuse is a non starter, if you didn’t want a busy life you could of avoided marriage and kids.

  • Beth says:

    Just was reading your article. Here’s the main problem… Husband wants to have sex but not just sex he wants all the junk that’s not real – on tv/movies. I am fine with sex but really why must it take longer than 20mins. why does it have to be like the fake stuff you see. I work two kids sports… im tired lets just get to it already?! Really he’s the girl and I’m the guy…

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