Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex part2

Written by Neal Black

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Part1:  Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex

There’s a love that can fill the void of a sexless life.

Making the connection

Then there is the difference of what our minds are thinking about. She walks in the room looks at you a certain way and you are thinking, “All right, I know what is on her mind!” Actually you don’t. Guys, we can compartmentalize our thoughts and in an instant switch to the “sex” compartment just by looking at our wife’s body. For women everything is connected, meaning:  that look she gave you might not  even about you. Guys can focus and cut out distractions. Women usually have a more difficult time doing that. Because sex is so high in our thought processes we go there quickly. Women have a myriad of thoughts with sex being a lot lower especially when there are distractions around like kids needing attention, a deadline at work and the realization that there’s no milk in the fridge.

The challenge is that often women feel disconnected and distracted. One of the top reasons women give for not wanting sex is fatigue. As one woman said, “When I arrive home late from a busy day and then deal with my family’s demands the last thing on my mind is sex. I am just too pooped to party.” Plain and simple women are often just too tired.

Your wife desires you but demonstrates it in a very different way than you think it should be. We want sex, she wants to have you take notice of her, listen to her, snuggle with her,  help her with the dishes, and tell her she is beautiful, before her brain makes a transition into thinking sex. Meeting her bonding needs is huge for a woman. Does this mean if you do these things tonight she will be all over you? Doesn’t work that way. It’s not a switch you flip in your wife’s brain but here is the good news:

“We sure work hard to get good sex, and even then there are no promises. But I can promise you this: if you work hard to win your wife’s heart as you once did when she said “I do,” her emotional need for closeness, connection, and love will bring her back into your arms. There your chance of sparking a fire is most promising.”  Secrets of Happily Married Men P. 227  

Growing together

So now what? Tackle the real issues in your way. The obstacles to connecting with your wife have little (if anything) to do with your desirability.  You need to move past your incorrect thinking, “she does not desire me”.  Women are wired differently so most likely you have a connection issue.

Here is what I suggest: take a renewed interest in her and her needs. If you haven’t read the book the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman do it now and start the fun. I discovered that men are good at observation, even better than women. It has something to do with our ability to focus, so the challenge is to see what works. How does she best like you to express love to her?

I realized that I tried to love my wife the way I liked to receive love so I wrote her really nice cards with well thought-out wording.  Those were OK but I remember it dawning on me that if I cleared out the dishwasher I was really talking her language! I like words of affirmation and she likes acts of service. It has made a major difference in how I express love. I need to make sure I am meeting her need for bonding with me the way she wants it to occur. That means away from the bedroom and not just when I want sex.

Distractions is a big one and we have to realize women need a lot more time to get in the mood. It takes me 30 seconds and I’m sure you can beat that time but your wife is different. I discovered my wife had a huge distraction in that we had no lock on our bedroom door and she thought one on the kids might walk in on having sex. The very next day I put a lock on the door. My wife still calls this the fastest home improvement project I ever did! Eliminating distractions isn’t easy or always successful but there is often a lot we CAN do.

Fatigue. This is a no brainer.  What could you do to help more? Each time I do something I don’t really enjoy I usually tell myself (yes I talk to myself) that I am expressing love whether she sees it or not. Encourage her to get the rest she needs.  Your encouragement may help overcome guilt at taking a nap or going to bed early.

By the way when observation doesn’t get you the info you need you can always ask her. It took some time when I asked my wife how I could best express love and what her needs were but over time we have had a much clearer idea of how it works.

One more heads up with taking an interest in your wife, find out what she really enjoys in the bedroom.  Just because you enjoy something does not mean your wife loves it.  Communication is really important.  She is unique and no matter what the books, movies or internet says, you need to discover what she likes. Then become better at it. I know we all think we are hot in bed but there is always room for improvement. Make it a goal that when you are having sex, she enjoys it.

Is porn creating a wall between you? Read “Hardcore Betrayal.”
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28 Responses to “Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex part2”

  • Elkay says:

    Xavier, as you have described it, you are unfortunately in a complex situation that may not have a straightforward solution as several factors may be involved. This article addresses a number of possibilities but there is another key ingredient:

    Have you been able to have a candid and open, non-rushed, non-critical, non-judgmental conversation with your wife centered around what Paul teaches about marriage at 1 Corinthians 7? Basically, neither husband nor wife “own” their own body but their mate does and this is in order to eliminate sexual temptations outside of their marriage. This is a big deal and goes back to the fact that marriage is a covenant-based commitment to the good of the other person regardless of undulating internal feelings or external circumstances.

    It is this covenantal commitment that enables married people to become people who love each other, to love the other person for who they are and not just for feeling or experiences they give us . . . and when we maintain our love for someone who is not constantly thrilling us, then we are actually loving a person . . . and if we stress unselfish acts of love over our feelings of love, we enhance the feelings . . . this is one of the secrets of successfully living marriage as God designed it.

    There is a pretty reliable study of a wife’s needs in marriage list the following four topics in order: (This is from American research so it may be different in other cultures.)
    1. Security; being married to a sacrificial, sensitive man
    2. Soft, non-sexual affection; being connected on a higher level than sex
    3. Open, honest communication, especially about feelings and emotions
    4. Leadership in family, spiritual, romance & financial matters

    So as the article suggests, “take a renewed interest in her and her needs.” You can examine your relationship with your wife in these areas to get a better understanding of what may be the cause of her lack of sexual interest. Do as the article suggests, read the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman to learn how she best likes you to express love to her. Then watch the fun begin.

  • Xavier says:

    I was thinking that I am unlucky man because I live in a Middle East country where girls raised to be too religious which disables their sexual desires. However it seems husband’s complains look to be exactly the same all around the world. If it is up to my wife we would have sex only when we plan to have a baby. We are very happy couple if I don’t complain that 2 times is too little per month. I am sure we would be much happier if I was one of the husbands who are not interested with sex so much. She is ok once a month but when I ask to increase the frequency she looks to have difficulty to respond. She needs it just once a month I need it 10 times a month. This is fault of nobody.So it is all about chemistry of the bodies. It has nothing to to do with tiredness. All her work to care of our 4 years daughter. She sleeps 2 hours much more than me everyday. I go work all the day and play with our daughter when back to home almost 2 hours a day. So my wife can take her time and check instagram and facebook accuonts. Still no increase in sex drive. Also I am aware of some wives who complains about their husband’s desires. Finally, since it is so important the level of desires to be compatible in couples maybe a test should be developed to measure and point it. Everybody should be aware of this points before start a relation :))

  • A male says:

    Reading the stories hurts my heart as I too know these terrible feelings. I don’t know why men desire to be so honorable to individuals who hurt them badly and don’t seem to care. Women-to a man this is akin to physical abuse. It feels horrible.

    We know we desire more than anything to see a demonstration of the power of the Holy Spirit. In Jesus name; let these marriages be healed!

  • Curious Guy says:

    Hello,

    I have been married for 10 year and my wife can care less about sex or even anything else that has to do with intimacy except for scratching her back. HAHA. Well I find myself to be a good caring husband, I cook, clean, do laundry, I do all the yark work and pretty much anything else I can think of to make my wifes life a little easier and a little less stressed. She works full time like I do but she gets so worked up over everything. Needless to say she can never shut her brain down in order to just relax and enjoy herself. I literally offer massages to her 2-3 nights per week but she turns them down every time, I spend hours scratching her back at night because I know thats what she likes. However when it comes to sex she has sex once per week just to get me to shut up. I can tell she is not into it and as a guy it really begins to wear on my self esteem. Shit she won’t even let me take a night and just please her and not even worry about me. I feel as though I’m living with my best friend who literally doesn’t remotely show any intimacy towards me what so ever. I even work out every day hard core to see if the fact that maybe just maybe I could get her to glance at me just a little! NOPE NOTHING. Look I love my wife and everything about her but what do I do to get her to want me again? Ive told her how I feel and she says what do you want from me we have sex once per week. However she seriously doesn’t understand the difference of going through the motions and actually connecting and enjoying me.

  • Chris says:

    israel…sorry to hear of your struggles…as a married person i understand that my wife goes through periods of change. some i may like, some i may not but i have learned through my personal relationship with jesus to love her as she is knowing that is how christ loves me too. if we keep things in perspective we as men will be able to not have such a high esteem for sex knowing that since the body will one day cease, so will sex too. i would encourage you to log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above to begin your own personal relationship with jesus if you havent already. that way, whether you have sex or not, you can have jesus peace in your heart and be content. jesus bless you!

  • Israel says:

    Could it be that we simple don’t love each other anymore? Or that we do not connect because with time we have depart emotionally? Could it be some else in her life? I’m just going a bit crazy about it!!

  • Israel says:

    Frankly, I’m not sure I want to connect anymore, I’m also busy or any other excuses she may be putting out there for the luck of connection. I have the urge to have sex!! I want to have fun, not having to work hard to try to connect. Can I have the fast track to get it??

  • Aldo says:

    Antwon, God is the answer for everything, but many of the problems we are faced with at present, are a culmination of the life we have lived in the past. For instance, we may have smoked for years before quitting, but ended up with cancer of the lungs. Is that God’s fault? NO! It is a result of our own making. We may have drank alcohol for years, and ended up with sclerosis of the liver. Is that God’s fault? NO! It is a result of doing our own thing.

    What I’m saying is that our relationship to God from an age up to the point of marriage may have spared us some of the problems being discussed here. For instance, did we ever ask God, in prayer, to join us to the partner of His choice for us, or did we just forge ahead and pick and choose the one we had the hots for? Think about it. Whose choice would have been better, yours or God’s?

    Well, has I have mentioned before, we all have to live with the choices we make, and the consequences of those choices.

    Well Antwon, that brings us back to your comment that “God may not be the answer (here).”

    On the contrary, Jesus is the answer to all our problems, whether they be big or small, financial or habitual, domestic or physical. He wants to be our redeemer, our healer, and our deliverer. He wants the very best for us, and our loved ones. Let’s turn our lives over to Him, and trust Him to bring about what He knows is best for us.

  • antwon says:

    So from what I’ve read…the issue still stands.
    Men get No sex from wives. In my humble opinion, Rich had the “Most Real” reply. No I do not agree with sex outside of marriage but he express a Real issue to only get knocked over the head about being saved. I am a Believer in Christ and believe that God Can answer anything but HE may not be the Answer(here). He’s not looking for salvation…he/we want to know about the topic at hand and what is going on. What then, when both husband and wife have God, they both take care of house, parents, kids, Everything seems okay…still no bang bang. Everyone will not just be OKay. Created by God yes, Created for nature??? I think so. God said in Gen. “it is not good that man should be alone”. we can go into all the worlds corruption, sin…blah blah blah. All a brother wants is some lovin from the Lady he married. But, I guess we just hold out…after all, its ALL about what she wants, Needs…what ever. I came here looking for HONEST advise, inside you are simply preaching salvation. and Yes..Salvation is most important, for what does it profit us to gain the world and lose his soul. We just want some sex…
    Peace and Love
    Antwon

  • Chris says:

    jason…we understand that God designed marriage and the sexual part is one aspect of that but not by any means the whole part. true love is based on understanding, kindness, giving and comprehending our mates, but that doenst mean that each spouse will follow that as a guide. that is where we need God in our marriages, for those times when our mate isnt doing their part. you see, imperfection marries imperfection. that is something we must accept at the outset and be ready for especially when all the goose bumps go away and the honeymoon appears to be over. if you would like more information on including God in your life and marriage, log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above. i pray that God would become the head of your life, marriage and all that you do!

  • Jason says:

    How or where is the females accountability to have sex with their men? I feel like the men have to put in all the work and effort and changes, what does the woman have to do?

  • dream says:

    Lauren. … ok, I understand it better now. God bless you.

  • Lauren says:

    Dream….

    Yes I am well aware that men have a higher sexual drive but far more limited capacity to enjoy sex. Sex is about giving your body to your spouse and not through coercion! I am irritated as it encourages men to play games rather than offer their body and trust.

    I like sex because I find my man sexual arousing , he gives himself to me and there is trust. I don’t have to ‘put out ‘ or he doesn’t have to manipulate me to want something I already strongly desire.

    My point was when a woman is put through multiple challenges ( work , kids , house )it’s harder for her to be sexual. Women have to be encouraged to see there sexuality apart from their husband ‘ ‘needs ‘ to have better sex

  • dream says:

    Lauren.. why are you so irritated? God made men with higher sexual desire but problems are getting both men and women off sex. But God is help. I dont see problem when I do all job around kids, house, job and I am tired. Even then I am not rejecting my husband. Sex is intimasy, closeness, relax, joy, so why to reject my husband? That I am tired? I exercise more and then I will be stronger.

  • Lauren says:

    Articles like this make normal men dog like ! Why don’t you call the article 5 tips to manipulate your wife.

    Maybe I should have sex with my husband a few times a day so I can have access to another credit card! Really !!! How foolish ! Why don’t I have regular sex as I want my husband sexually and he respects me. Stop manipulating your wife to get sex from her, she knows that’s why she is shutting you out! Relationships aren’t an exchange if I do this I will get that, why are church men saturated with this dumb mentality.

    Try this if I dump a man with all this. Make him take care of all the kids , the house, both his parents , Sunday school activities, go to the gym ( as he is getting a bit overweight) then go to work!!! yes his sex drive is going to suffer. Maybe I should help him with the dishes so I can get some at the end if the night!

    No man with a brain cell is going to take his clothes of and bear his soul to me !!! He would be totally right !!

  • Aldo says:

    First off Rich, let me say that you are absolutely wrong in thinking that God is not the cure for everyone. Think about it- He has created you and everyone; He’s your maker; He fashioned you while you were still in your mother’s womb and determined whether you should be male or female; it is He Who has made your body so wondrously that you can see, hear, speak, feel, walk, and think, and when you get injured or sick it heals itself; it is He Who keeps you from imminent danger, and from the clutches of death.

    Second, those who are truly His do not find comfort in religion, but in a relationship with God the Father through His Son Jesus Christ. As far as religion goes, without a relationship with God the Father, many will find themselves damned to hell for all eternity.

    Rich, no matter what you may think of your relationship with your lover, it is sin and against God’s Word. Adultery, or any sex outside of marriage, is sin.

    Rich, at the marriage ceremony you made a covenant before God to your wife, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, ’til death do you part. That covenant is a sacred vow.

    The trouble with most the people in our societies, is that they do not seek out the help of their Maker when things go wrong. He is the One Who can fix things. But, we take it upon ourselves, for one reason or another, to do whatever it is we deem necessary; and thereby we error.

    Allow me to pray for you:

    Father God, thank You for Your love for Rich. A love so great it is unfathomable. Help him to grasp the magnitude of that love. Help him to comprehend the sacrifice You made for him in sending Your Son Jesus Christ to suffer and die for his sins, and the sins of all mankind. Lord, help him to realize that there can be so much more satisfaction in his marriage than what sex delivers. Cause him to truly fall back in love with his wife, and she with him, the two of them putting You smack in the middle of their relationship, whereby as they draw closer to You, they will be drawing closer to each other, in Jesus Name I pray, amen.

  • Rich says:

    I am happy for those who find comfort in religion but “God” is not the cure for everybody.
    At 65 years old I am 17 years into my second marriage. The first 5 or 6 years were great and my wife and I made love on a regular basis, we had sex at least once a week. Then the duration between love making/ sex got longer and longer and longer until by our 10th anniversary we were having sex once a year.
    I tried everything within my power to show my wife I cared, loved her and was attracted to her but to no avail. She always had some excuse as to why she did not want to be intimate with me and well, her rejection made me feel like crap. I worried that at the age of 60 my sex life was a thing of the past and that did NOT make me happy.
    3 years ago I met a woman and we hit it off. We had a lot in common but the biggest thing we had in common was a lack of physical intimacy from our spouse.
    Neither of us are interested in leaving our spouses and breaking up our families.
    My lover and I have enjoyed a wonderful sexual relationship for the last three years. I still desire to be intimate with my wife and occasionally attempt to interest her but it usually causes grief as she gets mad and accuses me of trying to “make her” do soothing she does not want to do. My wife and I actually get along better and enjoy each other more since I have found a lover who satisfies my carnal needs.
    I’m not saying that everyone with a “frigid” spouse should find themselves a lover, and I’m not saying a faith in God will not be a remedy for some.
    What I am saying is that sometimes no matter WHAT a person does their spouse will dictate a celibate marriage and that there are other alternatives to living without intimacy.

  • Kate says:

    Celeste,

    Again, I am impressed by you. It is not often that someone will keep coming back to continue these discussions, it shows your faithfulness and perhaps seeking to learn, but also to share so that others may learn. Thank you very much for your openness on this forum!

    I want to say something about hypocrisy, since it appears to be a stumbling block for you. We are all hypocrites. Unfortunately, this means inside the church too. Certainly God deals with His children in this, and many other areas, and by the empowerment of His Holy Spirit, as we are Spirit-filled, we begin to see transformation, but as humans we are not beyond the need of grace. We need God’s grace and love, which bridge the gap between what we are and what we were designed to be. Did you experience this grace and love in the church? Do you believe you are a minister of God’s grace and love yourself?

    I definitely agree on your point that we are all different. God is creative! We are not called to be identical, but we are called to unity and the agape love that we talked about before. For example, the church is the body of Christ, and as a body we are love another self-sacrificially, to work together, to grow together, to praise Him together. There is no way for me to be part of this body without being part of it. True love, as demonstrated by Christ on the cross, is identifying with the scorned, the shamed, the betrayed, the beaten, the broken, the deserted, the poor in spirit. True love is not neat and happy-go-lucky, it is enduring for the sake of the other. Do you believe God truly loves you?

    Blessings in Jesus’ name,

    Kate

  • Celeste65 says:

    Kate,
    I find great comfort in knowing that God is always who he says he is.
    We are all human and imperfect. That applies to me and it applies to my ex husband as well. You are correct in saying his behavior was a choice. I didn’t make him treat me that way, but I did allow it to continue to happen.
    I was raised Catholic, and so was my ex-husband. The reason I don’t see myself belonging to any one church/religion is because I see so much hypocrisy. People have judged me and it hurts. Even if another woman had eperienced the same abuse in her marriage, perhaps she would have chosen to act differently.
    We are all different.
    I am dating again despite disappointment with my ex husband. I have seen real love with my own eyes, through other couples marriages and I want that. I deserve to have someone who will respect me, cherish me and love me–flaws and all.
    I feel that I’ve never known true love. I was married 17 years, have two children…but I still don’t know what it is to be truly loved. My children love me unconditionally, and I am grateful for that. I would like to experience that in a relationship with one man…once in my lifetime.

  • Kate says:

    Hello again Celeste,

    Thank you so much, once again, for your frankness.

    Your descriptions are vivid, and I know many, many people can totally identify with the sentiments you described – For example, “Am I going crazy? How can someone say and do things that are so contradictory? How can someone act in ways that are so unloving? Is there anything or anyone that is SURE, FIRM and UNCHANGING? I need something solid to stand on, I am so exhausted by this quicksand!”

    The bible says this is the human condition apart from the saving grace of God – we contradict ourselves, we contradict what is good, we contradict the image of God and His design. We are all sinners that have fallen short of the glory of God, who never contradicts His character.

    Do you find comfort and reassurance in God always being who he says he is? And how does this help you understand the poor choices your husband made?

    About rationalizing, or brushing aside, you are right on target with what I was getting at. Forgiveness is not the same as excusing. Forgiveness declares that no debt is owed because the offended party has paid or absorbed the price, rather than the offender. In my case, when I forgive it is because I trust the price Jesus paid is sufficient; I want to be out of the equation, and leave the judgment to God. It does not say that there was never any debt, nor does it imagine away the offence.

    Finally, I would love to hear more about how you don’t see yourself belonging to any one church or religion. To be honest, I am looking for a parallel.. you are frank about how your husband disappointed you, but you are dating again. You are frank about how your leader disappointed you, but you are not in a church again?

    Grace and peace, continuing to pray for you,
    Kate

  • Celeste65 says:

    Kate:
    God forgives our sins. This does not dismiss what we have done, or Excuse our behavior.
    Forgiveness means freedom. When I forgive someone that has hurt me, it does not mean that I am weak…or that I approve of what they have done. I forgive them and move forward.
    When I said that I “excused” my ex-husband’s angry outbursts, I should have said that I brushed them aside, or blew them off. Rationalized them by saying that he was under alot of stress as a reason for his behavior–didn’t make it OK.
    Why did his acting differently towards me behind closed doors versus how he acted in public upset me so much?
    I felt like I was losing my mind. He had me so confused sometimes, that I second guessed my self all the time. That was exactly what he wanted, so he could keep me right where he wanted me. He would do or say something hurtful, then have a vacant “dumb blonde” look on his face. He would act like the incident never happened.
    I brought this up with my counselor. She said that there are some people who almost “black out” when they are filled with rage. Afterwards, they have no recollection what they have done.
    You are right about
    God always being who he says he is.
    My ex promised to always love me, and never leave me. Liar. I was there for him when he couldn’t leave apartment for 3 days because of anxiety. I had to call in to his work, and say he wasn’t feeling well. He begged me, with tears in his eyes not to go to work that morning…It broke my heart to see him this way, and I called in to work and took a personal day. I rocked him in my arms like a baby, while tears poured down his cheeks. I was there for him because I loved him. Where else would I be? What kind of wife would I have been if I had said “suck it up”…and left him alone?
    When the situation was reversed and I had post-partum depression, he was not supportive or loving at all. I felt lower than I ever have in my life, and wished that I were dead. All he had to say was : “What the F*** do you want me to do about it?” He held up his hand, to show that the conversation was over, and that he didn’t want to hear any more about it.
    That showed me that he didn’t care, or love me.
    In spite of that, and the verbal/emotional abuse that came in the months and years following that incident…I stayed for another 13 years.
    I beat myself up for years…”I’m not good enough”. “If I were a better wife, homemeker, Mother and lover, he would look at me like he used to”. He’d love me again….
    Working throught the pain is taking longer than I thought it would.
    I see that when I put God first in my life, all else will follow.
    I don ‘t see myself belonging to any one church or religion, however. I did not receive the kind of support from my bib le study group 2+ years ago. My leader had worked with a couple that managed to repair their marriage. The wife stayed with her repentant husband, in spite of years of his physical and verbal assults.
    What my leader didn’t understand was that I was DONE. I had been pushed to the edge of losing my sanity, and self worth, and that I could endure no more.

  • Kate says:

    Hi Celeste65,

    Wow, I appreciate your openness. I also appreciate your directness. I can sense from your responses that you are a responsible and intelligent woman, and it also seems to me that you are very open to learning. Beautiful! I want to pick up on a couple things you mentioned, if you’re willing!

    You said, about your ex-husband that “I excused his occasional angry outbursts…” What do you see as the difference between excusing and forgiving? In particular, does God promise to excuse our sins, or to forgive them? And why do think that is?

    You also mentioned how your husband acted one way in front of people and another way in private. Can you lay a finger on why this is so upsetting? I agree totally with you that it is, but the point I am digging at is that this is a good leaping off point for understanding God’s holiness… God is the one who always is who He says He is, and always does what He says He will do. This is one characteristic that makes Him worthy of our full trust and adoration. This is also why giving your heart away to Him can never go wrong; His perfect agape love will never fail.

    Agape love is precisely what you spoke of: putting the other person’s needs before your own, self-giving rather than self-preserving, no matter the cost to self. It would be very dangerous to live out this kind of love, were not our faith in the ever-faithful God of agape love.

    So, where do you see God, the God of the Bible, fitting in your life, in these men’s lives and in relationship?

    Many blessings, continuing to lift you up in prayer that our heavenly Father’s will will be done in your life, as it is in heaven.

    Kate

  • Celeste65 says:

    Kate:
    Sometimes I do think true love is just a fairy tale. The two most important men in my life were not the greatest representatives of how REAL MEN should treat women.
    My father was never there for my sisters and I when we were growing up, and our mom did the best she could.
    My Dad was always putting other things before us. (Race horses, Work, the other woman in his life.) He was constantly critical of me, my sisters and mom. I generally did things the way he wanted them done, so I didn’t have to hear him yell at me, or use the belt on me.
    My now ex-husband was a little more subtle. He presented himself as one thing when we were dating, and for the first 3-4 years of our marriage. I excused his occasional angry outbursts as stress, either from his job or from planning our big wedding. My ex acted one way in front of my family, his family and at social functions. He was affectionate, holding my hand…rubbing my shoulders.
    It was all an act.
    In private, he was only “touchy” and affectionate when he wanted sex. He only asked me how my day was when he wanted sex.
    I am dating someone currently.
    I am taking time to vet him…to be sure before I give my heart away.
    Truthfully, I don’t know if I can be sure if I am loved…in a dating relationship. I know what the red flags are now, and I am almost hyper-vigilant in spotting certain types of behavior.
    For me, the characteristics of true love: Putting the other person’s needs before your own. Listening when I have something to say, and I mean REALLY listening–not pretending to listen, like my ex-husband did. Letting me know by his actions that he loves me. (My ex could say I Love You to me all day, and because his actions didn’t match up, I didn’t believe him.)
    Another thing–loving me in spite of my faults. We are all human, and fall short in the eyes of God. I don’t need the man in my life to remind me of my many shortcomings, and how greatly I disappoint him.

  • Kate says:

    Hi Celeste65,

    Great to hear from you again. I am glad to hear that you are taking it slow, and also that counseling is helping you.

    You bring up a very good point, about being willing to accept someone and accommodate yourself to them, “as long as I know that my man truly loves me.” How will you determine if he truly loves you? What are the characteristics of true love, and, have you witnessed them to be able to recognize them, or do you think true love is kind of a fairy tale?

    Praying for you!

    Kate

  • Celeste65 says:

    Well….being divorced and dating again has been interesting.
    I’m taking it slow.
    Through counseling I am working through trust issues and fears.
    Since acknowledging this…I can accept it, as long as I know that
    my man truly loves me. I can have sex when I’m not in the mood,
    just to satisfy his need for release. I now have a new set of requirements.
    For example, I will make it known up front that my needs must be met also.
    No longer will I give myself completely to a man (emotionally, physically) and get nothing in return.

  • Kate says:

    Hi Celeste65, thank you for sharing. How do you feel now that you acknowledge this? Where do you think you’ll go from here?

  • Celeste65 says:

    The thing that alot of women don’t understand…and it took me a long time to acknowledge this…is that sometimes sex is just a release for the man.
    Most of the time I was disconnected/detatched emotionally from my now ex-husband.
    Its something that I don’t like but need to accept. He doesn’t necessarily want ME–he wanted “IT”.

  • Jean -Wildcats and Trojans) says:

    This was a good article. It helped to clear up the confusion that men seem to have, or pretend to have :). Keep writing articles like this, until men get it!! :)

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