A Song in the Darkness of Night

Written by Denise, translated by Eugene Wu

Kang is my first child and only son. Like all parents I showered all my love upon him from the moment he was born. But when he was almost two years old, he still couldn’t talk. He didn’t understand what my husband and I were saying to him.  He didn’t even respond to his name. He didn’t cry when he was hungry or hurt, and he didn’t get up after waking up. Often, he just looked into the distance as if he was a lost prince from another planet.

Feeling of betrayal

Kang was easily sacred. He often ran away from strange sounds coverng his ears. He did not use his hands to brake a fall, and he did not walk on his heels. He didn’t know how to clap his hands, or how to nod or shake his head. He had no interest in playmates and no idea about the joy of playing with toys.He learned to keep people away by showing his temper. Sometimes he would act crazy or become hysterical in order to scare people away. At times his behavior was  heart-breaking – he would injure himself during an outburst. His diet included hot dogs and apple juice and nothing else. Overwhelmed by all this, I couldn’t help but think: “God betrayed me!”

Feeling of helplessness

I was troubled and tension developed in our marriage. No one could hear my cries, and no one understood I was near a breakdown. I knew my son had serious problems, and I knew I couldn’t just sit there waiting for the worst to come. But what could I do? After my mind began to clear, my heart cried out: “I must save him!”

It was a lonely life! Friends began to keep a distance from me.
Kang’s abnormal behavior was like leprosy. Families with children Kang’s age avoided us. Even my in-laws began to question my dedication to my son. In the face of this kind of constant rejection I persisted and continued to bring Kang to a community service program called “Mother and I.”
On one such occasion a person trained in special education told me quite sincerely that Kang required diagnosis and treatment by a specialist. That was on September 11, [2001], the day terrorists attacked New York.

Like everyone else on that day devastated by the news of the attack, I was devastated also by the news of the seriousness of my son’s case. It was difficult to accept the fact that “Kang is an autistic child”. It was the first time we heard of the term “autism.” But what made our helplessness even worse was that the doctors couldn’t tell us the cause of it. Without that knowledge, mutual recriminations began between me and my husband.

Thoughts of suicide

The journey at that time was a dark and gloomy one. Faced with the cold cruelty of layers of laws and regulations as well as the insurance system, I was completely helpless. In addition, there was a very long waiting list at the hospital for treating autistic children. This combination sank me to the bottom of the valley of hope. Did God know all my problems? Did he hear my cries?

While driving one day in the rain, a big truck cut in front of me. Anger and grief overwhelmed me at that instance and I was ready to step on the gas to drive into that truck, bringing Kang along to question God. But at that very moment Kang suddenly let out some sound without stopping while staring at me with an expression of concern. He even put on a most lovely smile to attract my attention. At that split second I realized my abnormal behavior. “What am I doing? Lord, save me!” On that day I put away what dignity I still had and silently and shamefully came before God.


When people find themselves in situations where all exits are blocked and there is no one around to help, they often turn to God. But does God understand people’s suffering? Does He hear a mother’s cry for help? One night I prayed earnestly for a miracle, and I heard a voice in me saying: “Why seeking only a bodily cure? Our body is but a temporary dwelling that will rot. Seek after the crown of faith in heaven which is everlasting.”  Truthfully, I was nervous about the answer having faith would bring. Did it mean I should seek a spiritual, not a physical, cure for my child that cannot be seen by our own eyes? After all, Kang is my only son, and I wanted to do the best by him. I sobbed and asked God for more mercy and strength.

Then a miracle happened! One day my three-year-old Kang, who had never spoken, miraculously and softly started to sing:  “I got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart. I got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart to stay.”

It was incredible!  I trembled in that angelic singing, and tears washed away all my bitter resentment. I was filled with a sense of awe and veneration. My spirit came alive. God wants to work wondrous things in the life of this child and his parents!

My life has changed as a result of my son’s autism. Because of my son the meaning of my marriage has also changed. That change was brought about by something my husband said to me: “It is at times like this when our marriage vows are put to a test, we will find out whether they are strong enough to withstand the challenge we face. Regardless of what kind of child Kang may be, I love him, and I love you even more!” That assurance of love meant more than anything else to me, and it gave me strength to rise up to face the unknown, with the firm belief that with God’s love we will eventually achieve victory over all our difficulties and more.

Dear friends, are you facing a situation that seems hopeless? There is a God who cares about you and what you are going through. You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.

If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, pray it right now and Christ will come into your life as He promised. If you invited Jesus Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.

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