My husband checks out other women

Written by Dr. Dave Currie

checking outI often notice my husband checking out other women. When I confront him about it, he says that there’s nothing wrong with looking, and he has no intention to do anything more. Am I right to be concerned, or am I overreacting?


Dave: Early in our marriage, it came as a real surprise to me to discover that I could still be attracted to another person, even though I was newly and happily married. I felt perplexed and besieged by guilt when I found myself noticing other women during that first year of marriage. I had a gorgeous wife and we had a great sex life together, so it was like, what’s the problem here?

Donalyn: As wives, we need to remember that we don’t think like our men on most things. A great first step is to have an honest conversation with your husband and attempt to discover how he thinks. How do you think, Dave?

Dave: I learned early on that, like most men, I tend to be visually stimulated and thus easily drawn to notice and be enticed by feminine shapes. I had no issues with pornography, but I needed to learn how to manage my eyes and focus on a woman’s countenance, and not on her body. I had to treat her as a sister, and not store up sexual data that I could use mentally later.

Donalyn: This can be hard for a woman to hear, because it’s so foreign to our own thinking. This fixation on looks can seem so shallow to us. But just because it’s different doesn’t mean this visual attraction is bad. It’s how men are wired. In fact, it can be a very good thing – it’s probably one of the things that attracted your husband to you in the first place. But you still have to share your concerns.

Dave: You need to let him see how this is affecting you. Rather than coming at him with guns blazing, which would push him away, open up your heart and tell him how it makes you feel when you see him looking at other women.

Donalyn: First you need to come to grips with your own feelings. It may help to write down the emotions you experience when you notice him doing this, so you can sort through it and decide what needs to be shared with your husband. And go beyond your surface feelings to see if there are deeper issues underneath. Ask yourself why this really bothers you. Are you insecure with how you look? Are you uncertain about your friendship with your husband? Do you question his faithfulness? If you have underlying insecurities, you will need to work through that even as your husband deals with his issues.

Dave: The way in which you confront your husband on this is critical. This is a difficult, private matter for most men, and if you approach it from the wrong direction, he will probably shut right down.

Donalyn: So because this will be difficult, start by trying to understand where he’s coming from on this. Reassure him of your love and commitment to him, and then have the courage to ask clarifying questions. Ask him why he looks at other women. What does he notice most? Does he think about them later? Does he feel in control over what and who he looks at? Does he have a problem with second looks and having to scope out the whole package? While you need honest answers to these questions if you’re going to work through this together, be patient and as supportive as you can be throughout the process.

Dave: Let me be clear that the fact that men are visually drawn to women does not make it okay to engage in lustful looks. It is not a wise practice for any man who wants to protect his marriage, and in many cases it can be an issue of sin. Jesus said that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has committed adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:27-28). So while your husband is likely being honest when he says he has no intention of doing anything beyond looking, the act of looking can still be a problem, especially if he is replaying it in his mind later. Not only that, but in this situation he is not even trying to be discreet about it when you’re around, and that is cause for concern. If he freely looks when you are with him, how bold is he when you are not present?

Donalyn: Ask your husband what needs are being met in him as he looks at other women. The truth is, this behaviour could be a sign of other issues: his dissatisfaction with you and the marriage, a problem with pornography, or fantasies about being with other women. Hopefully this is not the case with your husband, but it is better to address it now than to wish you had later.

Dave: There are also some steps you can take individually or as a couple to reduce the temptations for your husband going forward. Work together to ensure that you have a regular and mutually-fulfilling sex life. Meet one another’s needs so that neither one of you is tempted to have them met elsewhere. I know that when Donalyn and I are not sexually intimate for a period of time, I find it easier to have my mind and eyes carelessly and inappropriately wander. It doesn’t excuse it, of course, but the easier you can make it on your husband, the better it will be for both of you.

Donalyn: Take advantage of your husband’s visual orientation by making yourself as appealing to him as you can. It’s so easy to put the effort in to look good for other people, while failing to make it a priority for our spouse. They are the ones we should be trying to impress! And we all feel better about ourselves when we look our best.

Dave: It would also be helpful to get an outside perspective. With your husband’s permission, ask some other men whom you both respect what they think about the issue. In fact, if your husband is open to it, encourage him to get into an accountability relationship with another man. When two men spur one another to love their wives and honour God, it’s a powerful thing. Iron sharpens iron!

Donalyn: A great marriage is built on a foundation of transparency. These issues are not easy to discuss, but be patient. Be less threatened, and more focused on working with him to face the issue, without excusing it. As a husband and wife drop their guards and begin to really deal with sticky subjects like this one, it leads to an amazing level of intimacy. It may be difficult, but the result is well worth the risk.

Is Your Husband Watching Porn? Read “Hardcore Betrayal.”
Related: Unfaithful Spouse: Thrown on a Roller Coaster.

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239 Responses to “My husband checks out other women”

  • Sandy says:

    I’m happy to hear that you are seeking therapy Laurel. I found it calmed me down and made me be more objective. Chris, I am mulling over your passionate feelings when it comes to men and their attraction to females. The female gender also has a strong attraction and sex drive towards males. That is the way it is supposed to be. I do believe, however that we are different in many ways. We are turned on by different things. A female can be turned on to a man with a good sense of humor or with a nice smile or eyes. We don’t have to imagine them naked or fantasize about what we would like them to do to us, like men do. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a strong sexual attraction. My husband once told me not to tell him to stop looking at other women because that would never happen. I don’t know if he meant couldn’t or wouldn’t happen. A friend of mine cleaned out her eighty year old father’s apartment and to her dismay found recent porn magazines. So I am beginning to think that men do have such strong physical urges that they have to work hard to control. They do seem to go crazy over good looking, sexy women. But look at teenage girls screaming over young male singers. Whether that is partly from the way we are both made or from what society gives us permission to think and do, I’m not sure. Girls are brought up entirely different than boys so that must have a strong influence on the way each behaves. The only thing I do know is If men and women would be mindful to respect and not be hurtful to their spouses then marriages would be so much better.


  • Laurel says:

    Thank you everyone. I saw a counselor yesterday and I told him some of our troubles. He, like you, recommended marital counseling – though, like you, he also anticipated that my husband might not be open to it. I have asked my husband before, and he said no, because he did not believe that we have problems. I tried to tell him that it can be open to any couple, regardless of problems or not, to help a couple learn healthy tools and have the healthiest marriage possible. The counselor yesterday also recommended I go alone if I have to, that it would still benefit me. I am reading a wonderful book right now called “Boundaries” by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. This book includes the Bible in it and teaches a Godly sense of boundaries. It is changing everything about how I view life. I cannot recommend this book enough. I wish all of you peace and healing, and thank you.

  • Sandy says:

    Laurel, after reading your story my heart breaks for you because no one deserves to be treated this way. You seem very strong to have endured so much. There is something very wrong with the things that your husband says and does. I don’t think the Lord would expect you to be a martyr and just accept abuse. I would definitely seek counseling for myself if your husband won’t participate, as others have suggested. If it were me, I would stop complementing him, lay down some rules and tell him to get his act together or it is over. The worst thing you can do is seem needy. There is no justification for what he is doing to you and you don’t need to take it. Stay strong, you have God and us behind you.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    There’s been a lot of conversation here. I’ve debated whether or not to step in but I think it’s the right time to do so.

    Chris, You said, “Adam and eve were not perfect; they were just not accountable because they did not know God will. Once they knew they actions made them accountable.” That’s not true. Adam and Eve were without sin and walked with God until they did the one thing they were told not to do. God gave very specific instructions (Gen 2:15-17). They turned away from that and that was the act of sinning.

    Laurel – You describe a very challenging situation. Are you currently seeing a marriage counsellor? From what you’ve written here it sounds like a two fold problem 1. Your husband is not responding to you the way that you would like and 2. He is responding to other women. Ideally it would be great if the two of you could see a counsellor together, however if he is not interested in going, you would still benefit a great deal from the experience. I’d imagine you’re quite lonely in this experience and a counsellor can give you practical tools to help you both deal with that and find a way forward in this marriage.

    I noticed that in a couple of your comments you referred to the way your husband described you when you first met. It sounds like this is a deep wound for you, and understandably so. That might be an excellent place to start with the counsellor.

  • Laurel says:

    Thank you Chris weir and Angela. I will do my best. I will accept that my husband chooses to walk his own path, but I will also encourage him to walk on a healthy one, and I will love him regardless.

  • chris weir says:

    well, I must say that what you are dealing with is horrible but is not uncommon in this age of Godless marriage. The only cure to repair this is for your husband to talk to Christ himself. He has to want to change. I know that if he asks God to take away his interest in Porn, in other women, in worldly things, that God will not deny him this. Talk to your husband; tell him that you are not his police officer and that if he so chooses the path away from heaven than that is between him and God. By doing this you will make him realize that his rebelling isn’t against you anymore for the imagined slights he feels you gave him to justify his offenses that he commits against God and you. The more he thinks about not going to heaven when all his family will, the more things will hit home. All of us have sin (crimes committed against God’s will), but the price of sin has been paid for with the acceptance of Christ’s payment, a receipt carried in our hearts as proof to show the doorman when we leave this world. All who truly carry this receipt will no longer desire to continue to accrue new sin debt because the Christ in us makes us have too much conviction to continue deliberately living in sin; it will bother us too much. From time to time we may slip but repent and get back up again and follow Christ again. If your man has Christ in him than remind him that his stubborn battle is with God and that is a battle he cannot win in the end. Victory by surrender! As far as being a wife and your part? Support him in his efforts to recommit to Christ. Yes he is at fault in your marriage, but being “right” is not whats important here. You want your husband back and to do that he needs to turn around. He is ill and needs medicine. He already started a little bit after you took yourself out of his line of fire. You are one person and so he causes you pain when he struggles to be the man you need him to be. Because you become one person when you marry, you need to help each other cross the finish line together. Don’t be angry with him for his failures as a husband to you. Be understanding, supportive but not enabling. Don’t address his sin with scolding and punishment, that will only make things worst and him look at you as the problem as oppose to his heart not being for God. Sin is not what keeps you from heaven because we all have sin but not having Christ’s atonement of your sins by accepting him as your savior is what keeps you out of heaven. Once you have Christ in your heart you will no longer desire to sin which is just the by product of being healthy in the Lord. Sin is only a symptom of being sick but rather address where his heart stands with God. If you fix the head, the rest body will follow. Feed him more Christ. We do not work to go to heaven we do not earn salvation. We need only maintain Christ in us and his spirit will do the work for us. Everyone slips and falls but does everyone get back up when they do? envy, anger ,lust ,greed, idolatry, adultery, vanity, is all sin and all sin is worthy of death but once we are freed from our slavery to sin our walks should be more like Christ and should you slip know that Christ covers the sin if you maintain him in your heart and if you maintain the heart the sin will not remain. I think you are doing right Laurel pray, take him to church, read the bible together, watch bible programs and ministry. All this will be feeding him Christ and will return him back to you.

  • Laurel says:

    I wonder… I know that envy is a sin. What I wonder is, I can imagine it is envy to look at another woman, as a woman, and wish to be more like her… But it is envy to watch my husband watch another woman and wish for him to look at me that way – or is it hurt? What is the difference between hurt and envy? I agree with you that it is not healthy to feel envious of others, and I should not take to heart what he does with other women (as I mentioned, he crossed boundaries beyond looking. He has taken other women out in place of me, masturbated to other women, denied me repeatedly in favor of porn). I had to let go of him in order to heal and not feel envious anymore. We are still married, but I look less and less to him to appreciate me. I would love to imagine that, as you said, he finds me beautiful and has told others. But unfortunately, I have heard what he has said to others when he didn’t know I could hear him. A few times he hung up improperly with me, and I heard him cursing at me with his friends for calling him in the first place, for wanting to be close to him. A few of those times were during our pregnancy. What pregnant mother does not want to be close to her husband, to the mother of her child? He told me that he outright told our mutual friend when he first saw me, “She’s OK”. He has said harsh things to me, called me stupid, in front of his own friends, and they joined in. The worst was when a woman he was attracted to asked him if he were dating me; he did not answer her. They engaged in a month-long emotional affair. He admitted six months after our wedding that he still felt single with other women. There have been many other ways in which he put his mind and heart with other women, too many ways to name, and a laundry list isn’t worth it, but each way feels like a thousand cuts. I know that this goes far beyond the subject of looking, which is our main subject here… But all history is relevant, I believe. It informs where our feelings come from and what we must overcome. He has emotionally abused me; Angela is correct. A strange thing happened after he told me he felt single; two months later, I let go. I accepted that he felt that way, and I told him this, and told him I would accept this about him as well. He changed. He started trying to act more married than before. We have a lot more to learn. I think you’re right, Chris weir, that we do not need or should be elevated above others (and also that physical appearance is fleeting and NOT the base of true harmony and intimacy), and perhaps that was a foolish wish of mine. What I wonder then is, where is my place with my husband? Is it beside those other women? Beneath them? Is my only role to raise his son? I know my role in this world, and that’s to be healthy and to care for the plants; God made me a gardener. What is my role to my husband? To accept him as he is? To love him as he is? To forgive him for cheating on me? But where is our intimacy? I cannot bring it back alone.

  • chris weir says:

    I knew I was the underdog before I posted lol but thanks for the consideration anyway. I normally enjoy this particular subject because I like to share the point of view rarely explained by men to their women because they are too busy making excuses as oppose to being honest. Everyone has a different relationship with God and all will be judged differently based off of their true understanding of God’s will. I know it must be hard for a woman to feel as though they are not attractive. As I have said this is man’s evil world. Adam and eve were not perfect; they were just not accountable because they did not know God will. Once they knew they actions made them accountable. The world we live in reflects the desires of men. If women ruled the world we would know the desires of women. Men place so much emphasis on appearance which ultimately is idol worship. You are worshipping the body. Often we ourselves want to be worshipped. Of course we are all beautiful since we are God’s creations, but do we desire to be elevated above other’s in praise? I hear a lot of love songs today saying ” I need you” “you are my world” “you are my life” ” you complete me” “your eyes are the stars, your fair in the moon” this is all praise given to a person. This was only meant to be given to God. A simple I love you should suffice. Envy is also a sin. There are so many sins, we can’t simply pick and choose which ones are ok and which are not. If my wife looks at another man because he is beautiful, it doesn’t bother me. Why? Because I know my wife is not with me because she is in love with my appearance. If she was, than I would be in trouble because one day you look a certain way and another day you look different. But I don’t want to be a stumbling block for others so each of you must know your heart and not decieve yourselves. I can not say my wife is lusting because only she and God know that. Now if my wife coveted these men she looked at, than that would be a problem, because she is being controlled by her base animal body which is a natural thing but what is natural is sinful. God doesn’t want nature, he wants spiritual obedience. It’s natural to self-preserve but to do so at the expense of another is sinful. Now angela is right that walking a fine line you are closer to falling off than not. I remember staring at a man for such a long time because his face and body was so beautiful. I could not believe it. I feel like an ass for not being able to get over the fact but I was impressed. I am not gay, just more honest than most men. Women do more to create the illusion that they are beautiful. Guys look. It is not a sin to look, to stare but once you start to desire that person, becoming aroused, coveting sex with a person, which is translated as being “intent” than yes your heart is with that person and there is the adultery. As far as staring is concerned the more you do the more you will do, but than again the more you try to forbid the more alluring it becomes. My advice to guys is that because we have the natural desires which are sinful to suppress the looking because it can turn to lusting. And the wife who notices becomes hurt because she is naturally threatened and jealous which is sinful. A good marriage is one that walks with Christ and knows the dangers of natural biological inclinations. If I get punched in the face it is natural to punch back because it is biological chemical impulse. God does not want natural because he provides us with spirit to override since we have knowledge of good and evil. Now laurel your husband loves you and speaking as a guy he most likely has spoke about your beauty to other people but withholds it from you because he is passive aggressive or spiteful about something like what kids do. Find out what he’s resentful about, even if he constantly denies it and resolve it. Men look at other women as objects not as people. Men look at their wives as family. Men don’t compare family with objects. You are not your body. Your man is with you because he loves you and there is one you in the world and that will never change and he can never get that from anyone else and no one can ever compete against being you.

  • Angela says:

    Laurel…My heart goes out to you…What you described here sounds far beyond male weakness and temptation…the way your husband shrugs you off on top of it all…sounds like emotional abuse, neglect and plain cruelty. I would strongly recommend spiritual counseling. And stay close to friends and family who can keep you grounded at those low times of self loathing…Your husbands job is to love and protect you…and he is failing. I am sorry.

  • Laurel says:

    Chris weir, I want to second Angela to say that I did not mean to jump on your case. I was arguing passionately, which is kind of fun for me, but I do not feel offended by you at all – your posts made me think. I appreciate that you took the time to make your arguments. I hope you don’t feel ganged up on, and sorry if I made you feel that way.

  • Angela says:

    Chris…I don’t anyone and certainly not myself means to come off as jumping on your case…not that you said that but I do get the feeling that you may be feeling as such. Marriage love and the physical act of marriage love and all that it embraces has been violently attacked by satan. Of course. Why wouldn’t he take the most sacred relationship (on earth) and try to destroy it. Sexuality has been grossly perverted and we now live in the very obvious day in age of the ‘great falling away’. As you said, many men you speak with…well I would have to say it takes a strong Christian man indeed to see through the “beautiful temptress” aka another woman…and see the devil using her as a tool and weapon against your soul. It’s powerful deception indeed. I will comment on your comment..looking or staring at a beautiful woman is not in itself cheating unless one is thinking sexual thoughts…my friend..if a person passes you by be it male or female and they are a strikingly beautiful individual…anyone would notice. However, if you are looking long enough to take a mental picture you are teetering on the edge of temptaion. If you notice her face…ok…but if you are looking at the body and admiring it..I am sorry but you are cheating. Is sexuality the only way to cheat on your spouse? No. ANYTHING which takes you from her/him mentally, spiritually,physically…is cheating. You must love your spouse as Christ loves the church…your marrige is a symbol of what is to come in the promise of Christ and I assure you…Christ keeps His eyes on us…He does not look away. You take your eyes off your wife to admire another…and you take your eyes off Christ. It is THAT important. If you’re a Christian stand firm…be ready because Satan will launch a full scale attack on everything pure and holy…and marriage is the holiest of holy. Take care.

  • Laurel says:

    I can speak really quickly about the subject of men looking at women in a non-sexual way, simply appreciating their beauty. It might not have bothered me so much that my husband does this if he had bothered to look at me in the same way. I wish I had the reassurance that he found me as attractive as he finds other women. He talks about other women’s bodies, what he’s noticed about them. He used to make sexual comments, no longer does, but even hearing an innocent observation makes something clench inside. I’ve never heard him make those kinds of observations about me. Never talked about the color of my eyes or my hair or if I carry myself well. Never called me hot. He even told me that the first time he saw me (when a mutual friend pointed me out), he said, “Meh.” He’ll notice when my best friend visits and puts on her makeup; he never makes comments about my femininity. I don’t think this is limited to women – every PERSON wants to feel cherished by the person they’re with, both inside and out. Everyone wants to know that their beloved finds them special. I make it a point to tell my husband how attractive he is to me, how he turns me on. How he has the most amazing green eyes I have ever seen, how well he dresses, how handsome he looks each day. As a result, he feels very secure with me. Unfortunately, in our case, my husband crossed more boundaries than just staring. It’s hard to see I’m beautiful to him now when he spent so much energy on other girls. The only way to stop hurting over it was to let go and accept that he would act how he chose with other women, and to relinquish my expectation of him to bolster my self-esteem. I am beautiful for myself now. Which is too bad. It’s necessary to be strong enough to love and be beautiful for yourself, but it feels extra special when you’re doing it for your beloved. I’m sure there are many people who notice beauty respectfully, without dwelling on it, without fantasizing, certainly without comparing it to who they already are with. The ones who simply notice it, perhaps smile a little, and move on. Unfortunately, that wasn’t who I married. He diminished our intimacy by bringing in his preferences with other women. I’m sure he wouldn’t have liked it if I had done the same with other men; he told me that even speaking politely to another man was leading him on. So I didn’t speak to men at all for a long while, until he told me it was OK. But guess how many boundaries he had crossed before then? It is all about boundaries.

  • Chris weir says:

    Laurel- You hit it on the head when you said

    “But looking at our comments in here as representation of what ALL women are like – I’m sorry, but it’s not true. Sorry – I’ve never been a fan of gender generalizations. It tends to silence the people who don’t fit the mold.”

    You are right. Not all women think all men are pigs. The comments here do not hold the views of all women. Both men and women fail with self-discipline. Like I said, if my wife gave me the opportunity to have sex with another woman I would still refuse because its my heart mind and soul that rules my body.

    Angela-Christ said to look at a woman as to have lust after her commits adultery already in his heart. He did not say to look at a beautiful woman or even stare at a beautiful woman. Lusting which is derived from the Ten Commandments “thou shall not covet they neighbors wife” that isn’t anything new Christ just reminded everyone of the law they fail but don’t regard. You are adding laurel. Men often look at women just because they are beautiful with no sexual attachment included. However I am sure that women would still have a problem with that. So no-go there.

    you also said

    “but please do not try to convince people (Sandy or anyone) that men cannot help causes more damage than good”-angela

    I did not say men cannot help it. as I recall I said and I quote

    “Men need to be aware of this concept to better manage it. They need to tell themselves that it’s just an innate impulse that can be overcome with practice. It will always be there, but if the impulse to look is not built up by feeding it all the time it will be more manageable.”

    I believe I said I only said there is more temptation in our world because the media targets men’s desire. By this argument alone you must agree. when people say sex sells, its the male audience they entice. women’s fashion is aimed at sexualizing themselves more than men’s clothing does. so case and point men are asked to dodge more balls than women.

    second I don’t speak for all men but I am speaking from every man I have ever met who has had a conversation without having to censor it in the presence of a woman. Just like women have inside perspective among women.

    Look everyone I’m sorry if I offened everyone with my statements. I know this is a sensitive topic and I get too lengthy. So I will just say this

    1. Men CAN overcome lusting after other women by abstaining from feeding sexual impulses.

    2. Lusting after women is adultery of the heart.

    3. your husbands love you and only want you and if they have a problem looking remind them Christ can fix anything.

  • Laurel says:

    But that’s just it, Chris weir. I don’t think we’re saying that only women have the self-control. Men have to cheat with someone, do they not? No, there are many women and men both who lack self-control. There are many women and men both who want to experience a wide range of sexual partners, who think of others sexually (a certain female family member of mine happens to fall there). We’re not as different as you believe. At the same time, there are MANY, and I mean many, men and women both who have excellent self-control. I have met people of both genders who intentionally do not let their gazes linger. I can see it when they notice, but they have the presence of mind to discard it quickly. My dad happened to be one of those guys. He had eyes only for the woman he was with, and that’s just how he was, regardless of the woman (my mother cheated, which broke them up, and a few years later he got engaged, though it didn’t work out). Anyway – of course women have strong sexual desires, just like men. Wanna know the real difference? It’s that men are *not* called sluts for having sexual desires, and women are. The reason why you’re seeing our comments here that it hurts is because we’re part of the group who doesn’t want to hurt our guys by ogling other men and expect the same courtesy. There are many women out there who do not have the same boundary, and that’s fine, it works for them. But looking at our comments in here as representation of what ALL women are like – I’m sorry, but it’s not true. Sorry – I’ve never been a fan of gender generalizations. It tends to silence the people who don’t fit the mold.

  • Angela says:

    Sandy and Chris…I am sorry to insert myself into your conversation yet again…but I just want to tell Sandy…Chris isn’t EVERY man. Sorry Chris but you speaking for every man is just a way of justifying your own feelings and trying to not feel alone. While I will say that especially this day in age you are correct to say the majority…I firmly believe that it’s ONLY because of social conditioning and in my opinion you are only working to continue that trend by using this thought and theory of why men do as they do. God DOES NOT give us anything that is too hard to handle. If it’s your own personal struggle then so be it, we all have our own cross to carry…maybe that’s yours. But Chris I will tell you that you will need to get control over it if you plan to enter the kingdom…just as we all have to gain contol over whatever our burdons and weaknesses are. God says to look is adultry and no adulterers will be permitted into the kingdom and he doesn’t mince words on it. Try beginning to see females as humans, sisters in Christ…family members…train your mind to do this and hopefully over time it will not be so hard…but please do not try to convince people (Sandy or anyone) that men cannot help causes more damage than good…because there are alot of impulses people have …both male and what point do we draw the line and gain control over ourselves? Do we all just throw caution to the wind? It seems that is the trend these days and so to our own destruction.

  • Chris weir says:

    Sandy, I keep trying to explain that I’m not excusing men to act like animals. It is NOT the correct path. I am not justifying crude vulgar behavior; I am only trying to explain why men struggle more than women honestly without hiding anything. Women and men though sexually on opposite sides of the sexual spectrum, are all still human.

    Men don’t want to have sex with everyone, “their bodies do” Men don’t want to feel this constant hinderance of sexual awareness of every woman who walks by they just do. They supress it and act by their higher reasoning. Its not love its just a natural impulse. I don’t like sports, media can not make me desire sports or something I don’t desire. media doesn’t make me like sex, I always liked it because its built in me.

    Men desire love, family and structure too but tend to be less successful at it than women because they are at war between the spiritual Godly way of life and their base biological impulse constantly incited by a sinful society.
    If I made the statement that male mammal primates desire to mate with as many females as possible to ensure their genetic code, no one complains but when I remind people that men ARE male mammals/primates and so they too also have this same sexual design, women freak out like I’m trying to justify infidelity lol.

    I’m not
    I’m only saying that we are what we are as far as the physical building blocks are concerned but we have a failsafe override called the soul and reasoning. This elevates us beyond mere animals but it doesn’t mean the primal sexual instinct is gone. It’s still there, and will always be there so long as we used these bodies but we just have to fight it back more than women do because men have over sexualized everything in our world to cater to male desire.
    Women fight back too but in a different way. Women fight back the urge to trade up their alpha male for a better alpha (whatever alpha represents in todays world maybe wealth? Power?fame? Charisma? Humor?) Men can have the greatest woman but still be drawn to lesser genetic mates because “Quality is not the main object in male attraction as it is in women, but rather quantity” that’s why women are always confused when their guy cheats with less attractive woman.
    Men need to be aware of this concept to better manage it. They need to tell themselves that it’s just an inate impulse that can be overcome with practice. It will always be there, but if the impulse to look is not built up by feeding it all the time it will be more manageable.
    Women don’t understand why we are different than them in this regard. They just want to pass blame and lynch men for wanting to look at female shapes raising flags in our brains.
    I argue that its not just socially conditioned because male/ primates act this way.
    I remember as a child I was always dreaming about one day having my very own wife, treating her like a princess and to this day, my wife is the only woman I ever had sex with. I waited 30 years before having sex because Sex to me means something sacred. I would rather die than have sex with another woman, but I would be lying if I told you I didn’t find myself attracted to the visual presentation of other women. Not because I want to have sex with them because I do not in the slightest
    But rather I recognize This insane impulse to appraise any object with the female form, whether it be a cartoon silhouette billboard or a lifeless mannequin. I don’t wish sex with mannequins or cardboard, its just this infernal radar that needs to be constantly suppressed in order to accommodate the one’s we love.
    women love to argue that men and women are the same sexually with the same temptation, the same drive and cravings but only women have the discipline to control themselves and men don’t; this is simply not true. Males are different than females. when women start getting arrested for sneaking cameras in male bathrooms, tanning rooms and all the crazy places you hear about then maybe I’ll rethink my position.

  • Sandy says:

    Chris, it is very discouraging to women when you say men want sex with as many females as possible. I know that men can separate having sex with anyone and making love to someone they care about. But what value do women have as a wife if men are always lusting after others. Are we married to you just to provide children and care for the family or do we have value as a partner, lover, nourisher and companion? . I know that after being married for awhile, things can become a little unexciting in the bedroom, that is true for women as well as men, but what is lacking may be made up by being with someone you love. Surely the pleasure of a loving relationship can make up for the excitement of someone new. Is it more about the thrill of the hunt and escaping the sameness of our lives or is the desire for other women so overpowering that it is hard to control?

  • Chris weir says:

    Hmmm, too often this subject becomes a gender “blame- fault” thing rather than sharing mutual understanding of perspectives.

    It seemed logical to believe since men and women are built different sexually that some of that aspect may play a part in sexuality with most animal males appearing more aggressive sexually. That’s a good point because our Society plays no role in the behavior of animals. There are of course always exceptions but if we are an exception why so much trouble with this subject that we are debating in our species throughout time even Before media?
    Multiple wives?
    Is it society only? hmm
    I guess I’m arguing that I must stand with God because Christ is right, love, truth and the way; So I feel it is wrong to desire other women beyond your spouse. But I don’t believe women are entitled to bragging rights by any means.
    although God desires us men to abide in his image as oppose to animal behavior, I think men’s battle against sin is different than women’s’, because the nature of most male designs are to be attracted to multiples as oppose to investment in one. And that the media is not the cause of this but rather a reflection of this since it facilitates whatever is desired of it to be used for.
    Media is not evil; men are evil and use media for this purpose. Men are evil because they would rather indulge their animal instincts as oppose to God’s will.
    Yes Men are killing people, more than women are. What I am talking about is the majority not the exceptions. Men cause wars, strip clubs, brothels etc.
    other than God used as a deterrent, this is what men truly desire.
    If women held the power, what would the world be like? If you say it would be different, than you must agree with me that we are in fact different, because we are made different. If women would have the same sexual media that is produced today but reversed than yes, we could say men and women are sexually the same in every respect but men fail while women magically are saints and devout.
    I do believe media enhances in men what is already there to begin with. It takes the basic male impulse and puts it on steroids because men control the media and that is the truth behind what men truly desire.
    Men are sowers and women are growers design wise. The object of the sower is to plant as much seed in as much field as possible. Growers desire the best stock.

    Men perform sin differently, sex trafficking, masturbating several times a day, staring at more women problem. Is it a coincidence that mainly men do this? Or that society made us this way?

    Society consists of you and me. If you don’t wear makeup and form fitting or revealing attire you are doing your part and If I do not stare or lust after someone other than my wife or buy sexual stimuli than I am doing my part.

    God’s desire is that we love him with all our heart mind and soul despite our base animal impulse, because we possess more than the ability to succumb to our bodies biological chemical functions.

    As I have stated before, “chicken or the egg?”
    Who’s to blame more the drug dealer (women) or the drug addict (men)?
    Society promotes lust by using willing women to entice men. It’s still a man’s world so Men hold the power to use women as a resource for sin and do so because they succumb to their base desires.

    Most Men’s base secret fantasy desire tends to be lining up rows of naked women to mount one after another. Which seems to me to be an male animal concept vs female animal concept. If the roles of men and women were reversed and women had the power to use men as a resource…. maybe women would desire the same maybe not.

    The point being is, that it doesn’t matter if women are agreeing to indulge men’s fantasy or that its a man’s fantasy to desire multiple women. we both agree that it is not God’s desire for more than one man to be with one woman for life.

    Am I arguing most men’s libidos are greater than a women’s? no, just different?

    We know most men desire many different women, which is not a question of how much sex one desires but rather with who. Husbands may not desire sex with their wife’s all the time, but if every time sex was offered it was offered with a different woman, that “not to night honey” response might change to an enthusiastic “yes”.

    Is it just societies corruption of sex exploitation that creates this and not biological factors making men perverts? Guess we will never know. But what is important is to understand that God is the pursuit because in the end only they that stand with him will win.

    Agree to disagree?

  • Angela says:

    Agrees with Sandy…you what amazes me? The amount of women willing to participate in porn. You mention how many porn sites are on the internet…and then there is each videa…not to mention movies to rent etc…crazy. It’s shocking how easy it is for people. Strippers? People say they strip to pay for college. BUt that reputation then follows you for life and there are many other jobs to pay your way through college. It’s sad how we have truly enslaved ourselves to men as sex object to ‘get ahead’ …we are literally sex slaves of sorts to them…and we parade it around as sexual liberation. It’s truly quite the opposite.

  • Sandy says:

    It is amazing to think how much our culture has changed since the sixties. The feminists claimed we could have it all; career, marriage,and children if we wanted to, and still be independent and sexually active. They said that it wasn’t important how we looked or dressed as long as we were true to ourselves.. Gradually women decided that they wanted the freedom to hop in and out of bed with whomever they wanted to, without the benefit of marriage, just like men had. As time goes on we see that families are now in jeapody because of how liberal we have become when it comes to sex. There are more than 4 million porn sites on the Internet. Lawyers say that porn is named as one of the reasons for divorce in over fifty percent of cases. Women are being hurt because men think it is okay to look at porn or look at other women in a lustful way. Women are finding out that they don’t want to jump in and out of bed and would rather have a loving, lasting relationship with their special guy. They would like a family and all the blessings that it brings. But what about men? Do they want the same things as women or would they prefer having lots of women. Can a man be true in his heart to his wife or will he always be looking for what he might be missing. As a good and decent society we must stop the sexualization of young girls, get adults and young boys to stop using porn, turn to.our religion for grace and clean up our act.

  • Laurel says:

    [Editor’s note: This comment has been removed. In reading both this comment and the one that it was a response to this feels like an argument and not a conversation, and not one that either of you is likely to be able to resolve here. The time has come to agree to disagree.]

  • Chris weir says:

    [Editor’s note: I can appreciate the passion that went into this very lengthy comment but comments that are longer than the original article tend to stall the conversation rather than move it forward.]

  • Angela says:

    pps…I apologize for all my spelling errors…I am typing fast an then posting before proof reading…I am sure everyone can at least understand what I am saying though. :-)

  • Angela says:

    p.s. I’d like to see a man who gets his kids off the TV and video games…and I mean 90 of the time. Takes them out to turn a wrench, fish, hunt, go for a hike or toss a ball. Everyday, instead of coming home from work and putting his feet up…spend time with his family…not thinking of it as a chore but honestly lesrning to enjoy his time with them…fathers need to have the sex talk with their boys…but not the ‘traditional’ one. They need to teach their sons about respect and looking for girls of quality and decency and teach them about how masturbating to some image of a half naked girl is wrong because it cheapens the mind and our idea of women. They need to hug and kiss their wives infront of their kids and hold her hand and have them see their dad NOT oogling women in public or on TV. You want to claim that boys are just this way naturally? I dare you…train your boys up differently and you will see, it is indeed JUST SOCIAL CONDITIONING!!! It is NOT biological. I assure you that if MORE MEN did this that you would see a differece in the future in our society. Less girls acting like whores and less boys treating them like it. Moms…you are also just as responsible. You think hey for a mom of 3 my body is still looking good…I just lost some weight, toned up…I am going out to get that bikini so I can look hot on the beach. For who? Can you not feel beautiful in a one peice? Do you realize your daughters are watching you strut yourself for everyone on the beach …not just your husband. Are you caking on the makeup? Dressing up to walk out the door to go to the store? You have to gracery shop in heels eh? Who are you doing it for mom? Hubby is at work. Lets start looking at ourselves shall we…because guess what? Our kids are looking…

  • Angela says:

    HaHa I love this conversation!!! I have basically said all I need to say but I will second Laura…SOCIAL CONDITIONING!!! It’s NOTHING at all to do with biological needs or caveman mentality to carry on the species. That’s all big pile of bologna. Sorry. There have indeed been ‘some’ studies by left firld ‘scientists’ who have come up with a ‘theory’ to support mens out of control oversexualization. It’s just another weak attempt to justify the behavior that they don’t want to control. Now don’t get me wrong…we are not blind. Men or women. I myself notice all people beautiful or not. If there is something that catches a persons eye because it is special or different or extraordinarly ugly or beautiful of course anyone will notice it. I have noticed when a very handsome man walks past me. I have noticed when a georgeous woman walks past me. I have also noticed when a very obese person walks past or someone in a wheelchair. There is no judgement, it’s just that the difference in those people compared to average people stands out. However, it crosses lines when you look at someone with lust. Noticing a person and staring at a person are quite different. If you are looking long enough to take a mental picture and store it for a fantasy later…you are cheating my friend. God does NOT give us impossible tasks. It’s society that is ran by satan that corrupts the mind and teaches us that ‘if it feels good, it can’t be bad’. This society teaches more about self love than lover thy neighbor. We are being brought up in a ‘me me me’ society. Women walking aoround in tight pants, low cut shirts, bikinis, short shorts…strip bars, movies with ANY sex in it…it’s everywhere and in our faces so much that it’s no longer ‘shocking’. I don’t even notice the faces of females anymore, it’s just a barrage of naked bodies. It’s awful. It’s cheated us…men think it’s great but they themselves don’t realize how it’s actually cheating themselves too, not just the women. It takes the excitement of a true connection with a woman and seeing and feeling her body…it takes so much of it away. It cheapens it. It cheapens marriage. Men are no longer capable the way they used to be of the deepness they could have and used to have with a woman. You cannot deny it. How many marriages last these days? A woman these days does not feel that she can keep her man satisfied. I think it’s why so many of us do cheapen ourselves, compete or accept mens behavior and say…boys will be boys. We see what’s out there, women all over the place trying to catch our men. How can we fight that? Men don’t see it for what it is. It’s evil and it’s destroying our society. It’s effecting our children too. Read the news lately? How many young ladies lives have been destroyed because very young boys decided it was ok to rape them while they were passed out drunk? Does anyone here even pay attention to what the kids are seeing on TV day in and day out, even on their own channels such as nick and cartoon network? It’s all about boys and girls dating, kissing etc…the girls in the show are dressed in heels and short skirts…every commerical on secular TV has some barely dressed girl, every TV show..every movie….then add the barrage of violence they see everywhere…and viola! You have kids that are being brainwashed daily to do exactly what they have been doing…having sex, raping and turning into monsters. And people scratch their heads and say, ‘whats happening to our youth”…well crap…have you seen their VIDEO GAMES too?? My God people wake up! Men, you need to pull your heads out of your butts. Sorry, I don’t mean to be so brash but you are failing as husbands and fathers horribly. Believe it or not guys, we NEED YOU! This world needs it’s MEN back. It may be a hard habit to break. You may have a strong sexual desire…but you gotta start seeing things for what they are. This country especially is VERY comparible to Sodom and Gomorrah. God destroyed it. It was sexually out of control and violent. When you see that ‘hot’ girl walking past you dressed in her short skirt and tight shirt…hair extentions and batting her eyes at you…you gotta start realizing that Satan (believe it or not) is using her as a weapon against your soul. She is a prong…the TV is a weapon, the compuer is a weapon…it’s satan…using everything he can to tap into mans weaknesses…money and sex…to cause you to sin…create a great distraction so you will not keep your eyes focused on God. Here are some key points on the bible before I go that I’d like to share with everyone. I am not claiming to be an expert however, I have read the entire bible honestly…at least 3 times. I have also studied it’s antient meanings in hebrew in order to understand the original text and meaning…so from that I will share: As most of you know the bible says, looking at another woman (it speciifies woman so this is aimed at the men) with lust is adultry. What you think is what you do. Revelation states, no adulterer will be allowed in heaven. Why is this so important? Because Marriage is a picture of Gods relationship with His church. We are Gods bride. The bible states that a man should love his wife the same way that He loves His church. Perfectly. To cheat on your wife even mentally, cheapens the picture of God and His bride. Once you are married you become ONE FLESH. Anything you do to harm your wife or husband then harms yourself. Which is seen by the fact that when your wife is upset…it effects you too does it not? She grows angrier, less loving…not so sexual. You hurt yourself by hurting her. Now sure you can get a divorce and move on to the next but the same patterns will emerge and you will never find full satisfaction with one woman until you learn to love her like God loves His church. The love then comes back to you. Divorce also (except in matters of adultry) is a sin and is in itself commiting adultry. So, this means if you look at other women lustfully and God says it’s adultry, your wife DOES have the rights to divorce you and she will be innocent. Like it or not. People don’t want to believe this but it is biblical. If she divorced you however and you did nothing wrong…no adultry…then she would be committing adultry. Another truth that people HATE but it’s true…as long as a woman is faithful and stays true to God she is saved automatically through childbirth. Men on the other hand have to work for their salvation. Oh, I know you hate that. I know it chaps your bum. But I speak the truth. Why might this be? Well first of all childbirth is a huge sacrafice from a woman. The toll it takes on us to bring forth life is beyond anything any man could ever try to understand. The pregnancy, the birth and thereafter…your body is literally a living sacrafice for life. Also men are weaker when it comes to temptation…this is obvious in this world because you can see how the majority of advertaizments are aimed at MEN. Finally I’d like to throw a spin on something in the book of David that I read. It describes a beast. It’s evil in of itself and then suddenly another beast comes and it is from the first beast, it ‘agrees’ with the first beast and humans give it the power of life and it goes off into destruction and kills (souls). From the first moment I read that…I saw TV and internet in my head. There is no greater two forces on earth that work day in and day out to decieve Gods people. Is it a theory? Yes. But nevertheless, TV and internet are destroying us. They are destroying our youth also. They agree with each other and we gave them the power to come to ‘life’. Sure they can be used for good. Like this site. But many if I dare say most people and especially men…use it for movies they ought not be watching and internet pornography and also to ‘chat’ with other women or yes..wives are chatting with other men’s made it all too easy to cheat. So there is some food for thought. Self control…Ill tell you what…for me there is nothing sexier in a man…then a mentally, emotionally and spiritually in control man. Forget the washboard abs and give me a man of accountablity!! Fathers and Husbands if you are reading this…if you haven’t already…buy and read the book Courageous. Buy the movie also. Wives…buy it for your husband and lovingly express to him what you need and what your children need. Men when those temptatieous women walk past you and you notice, get yourselves in the habit of looking the other way. If they didn’t get the attention they are seeking they might actually wake up and stop acting that way…and ladies…if you are guilty of being the temptress….look at yourself honestly…what you do to others will be done to you.

  • Pyro says:


    I totally agree with every word! My fiance used to look at other women all the time when we where out and i will be honest it hurt me and did effect my self esteem. And what I agree with the most is its not a question of needing its a question of respect and equality within a relationship xx And i believe men could feel the deep betrayal we do. They just choose not to. Because if we go against something our man says he feels then. But if we feel betrayed it doesn’t exist to men.


  • Laurel says:

    With all due respect, Chris weir, I believe women’s sexual desire is different than how you have said. There are many women with a very high sexual desire, and many women who want sex all the time instead of during a sole monthly time period. The difference is not that great in sexual desire between men and women; the huge difference is in how it is encouraged. Men are encouraged to be sexual. Women are encouraged to be demure. You are right that the ads target men’s sexual desire; why not women? Because before the ads, the women have been socially conditioned and commanded to hide their desires in the name of chastity. Men have born no such restrictions socially. If men had sex with multiple women, the population would be huge because there would be multiple women pregnant by the same man. If a woman had sex with multiple men, the population would not be nearly as huge, though a woman might not know who the father is. And that is the root of the insecurity and the repression of women’s sexuality. In earlier times, a family had to know who was the father of the child in order to determine inheritance since men were the landholders. So women were harshly punished for having sex in a way society would deem “improper”. They were called a harsh word; there is no male equivalent for the word “slut” in the derision with which it is said when referring to a woman. But as a woman, I know that women have great sexual desire because if we did not, then why are so many of us capable of multiple orgasms? In my marriage, mine is greater than my husband’s and has always been, including while I was pregnant. But he was content to reject me and play single with the other ladies. It hurt like you wouldn’t believe. Do you say that women will never understand what it feels like to feel constant sexual desire? I disagree with you – but if you find that to be true, do you also find it true that men will never understand the deep betrayal women feel when they see their partners not-so-subtly check out, and eventually talk to, and in many cases cheat on them with other women?

    The question is not the difference between women and men in “needing” to check out members of the gender that attracts us. The question is the matter of respect and equality within a relationship. Would you be willing to stop doing something that hurts your partner and her self-esteem? Or would it be an explicit agreement that if he can look, so can she? It’s not fair to choose a partner knowing a behavior hurts her or him and then continuing it anyway. Look for someone who is OK with it – there are plenty of women out there who don’t mind and who in fact do the same thing themselves.