Married, but Can’t Forget my First Girlfriend!

cantforgetgirlfriendFind Love That Never Runs Out.

I’ve been married for three years but I just can’t forget my first girlfriend, who is also married with kids. I am going to become a father, but I can’t forget the moments we spent together a long time ago. I always compare my wife with her and find much dissatisfaction in my heart. Frankly speaking, I still love my first girlfriend very much. Sometimes even during sexual intercourse with my wife I think of her! We are Christians and this fact makes me feel even guiltier about this! I want to break through this struggle. Please help.

Advice: It is not unusual to clearly remember a first love relationship years later. I am sure many people struggle with past memories as they begin a new marriage. This is only human.
However, to continue in those memories and to fantasize about that old relationship is not healthy or honoring to you or your wife. It is also not honoring to the old girlfriend. The reason you feel guilty about it is that it is wrong to share your covenant of marriage with any other person, and God is reminding you of that. You are right and wise to confess this problem. So many people try to ignore or hide this kind of struggle. Thank you for talking about it. As humans we all struggle with our thoughts and actions; you are no more unworthy of God’s love than anyone else.

The Bible is clear that God loves you and desires to bless and strengthen you. Yes, God will help you overcome this struggle. In the Old Testament, the Bible is clear about adultery. “You shall not commit adultery” (Deuteronomy 5:18). It is one of the ten commandments.

Jesus raised the standard, warning, “You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27). Jesus is not saying that God is a hard Master, or that God’s rules are unfair or impossible. He is saying that our human hearts are weak, our bodies are weaker, and we desperately need God to show us healthy boundaries for our thought lives in addition to the physical. God is good, and He wants the very best for you, for your wife and marriage, and even for the other woman.

I suggest you bring this to God just like you brought it to me. Confess it. Read the scriptures aloud with Him. Tell Him how it troubles you, makes you feel guilty, how you know it is wrong. Ask Him to help you “break through,” and to help you cleanse your thoughts of the other person so you are free to love only your wife, and think of her only. Ask Him to protect you from any thought or deed that would break the holy covenant of marriage. Ask Him to increase your devotion and commitment to your wife. The Bible promises, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

You must also avoid this other woman. Never call her, be alone with her, write her, or think of her. Put her away from your mind, your life, your marriage. That other woman does not belong to you. When thoughts of her come to mind, rebuke yourself declaring that she is not yours; you belong to your wife now. And pray and ask God again to protect you from thoughts of her.

You might want to attend a Bible-believing church with your wife if you haven’t already. Friends there can encourage and support you as you fight this battle.

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111 Responses to “Married, but Can’t Forget my First Girlfriend!”

  • Sharon says:

    to Cynthia prayer father God I do pray right now for Cynthia for her upcoming marriage. I pray help her to forget her past love. for me have you prayed to let him go completely and pray a cleansing from this past love I know you will never get him out of your mind completely I have three boyfriends in my mind that I will never get out of my mind but I agree if you can move on and live in the present I hope this helps I am praying for you– sharon

  • Cynthia says:

    Living in those memory may not only be wrong, but somehow it forces us to live in our past. Our past always seems more bright and colorful making our present dull. Holding on the past does not lets us ‘live’in our present.

    I know I am not being truthful to myself and my to-be husband.(it os an arranged marriave) I am already unfaithful at some level. But letting go is almost being cruel to myself. Its so painful to even try. On the other hand, Lingering onto his memories is so addictively good. But it always leaves me with a heap of guilt, dissapointment, and emptiness, hollowness.

    But as much as i make self determination, not to sink into those feelings again, i fail every time. There are also sudden pangs of pain in heart knowing he will never be mine. I fear im ruining my and my fiance’s future too..

    I want to know if i can practicaly do something to stop thinking about him. It may be impossible to wipe him out of my memory. But i wish it would not accompany the pain and longing, and rush of those feelingz back. Is there any meditation or activity or anything at all that can make me stop loving him.

  • tay says:

    Waiting on true love for 20 years is better than hurting for a life time to some one you do not love , people stay together for years, not right
    Married people do the same when they are not in love.

  • tay says:

    First love if it was true love should be husband and wife. People marriage and know they are not true to themselves.

  • Wafa says:

    Hahahhah….There is nothing such as love in a real sense..! U ppl just go into that world :D

  • Elkay says:

    Laverne, thank you for so candidly sharing your story because it strengthens the message of this article, that continuing in the memories of a first when one party is married is not honoring to anyone. Furthermore, it is wrong to share the covenant of marriage with anyone other than your spouse, and God reminded you of that.

    The unusual way God used the “wrong” relationship with your first love to bring you back to Him is the proof that God loves you and how He “causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him” (Romans 8:28). Thank you again for your testimony and we can pray that as others read it, they will learn what is a hard lesson in a more gentle way. And may God greatly bless you today!

  • John Tiop says:


  • Laverne says:

    I connect with this story. My first love and I met at age 14 in 1974; he would come up to visit his aunt and uncle in the summertime. Over a span of 2 summers, we spent every day on my porch. We walked in the park. Went to the store, movies and church.  He sat at the piano with me as I learned to play.  He helped me do yardwork for my aunt. We didn’t have cell phones, laptops, or ipads at the time; only landline phones. Our TV viewing was monitored and very occasional.  We had chemistry and connection the first time we saw each other. 

    It would be 41 years later, on 12/17/2015 that I would receive a friend request on Facebook from him.  My body went into shock! It was the sweetest and most innocent Facebook exchange of reconnection that I have ever witnessed; all of my friends and family were drawn into our chat.  He was completely blown away when I quoted his exact mailing address from 41 years prior.  He responded “you still have my heart”.

    I have always been single, but against my better judgment I gave him my phone number even though he told me he was married. He insisted that his wife wouldn’t care because we were just friends.  OH MY . . . . could we have been anymore naïve? People DONOT understand the imprint and impact that a first love leaves on your heart, mind, body and soul.  The younger you are at the time of connection, the deeper the imprinting.  Let’s face it, this person is the FIRST touch of an outsider, the FIRST love letter, the FIRST kiss, the FIRST argument.  How can anyone get over it?  Our parents were drinkers and in spite of our home life, we felt secure with each other.  We could tell each other anything and NEVER feel judged but ALWAYS accepted. We experimented with heavy petting but no sex.  We were young, innocent, green and unsuspecting. 

    I stayed in contact over a span of 10 months with my friend through instant messaging,Facebook and phone.  His wife eventually demanded that he get off of Facebook when she overheard a conversation early on. It is so true that a drunk man speaks a sober man’s mind. I realized it had to end once he insisted on video chat. The intimacy of contact poses a real danger to any committed relationship. He is a minister and a retired military man who has 4 grown sons. He is now on his 4th marriage as of 2014.  When I talk to him, I hear the boy and when he talks to me, he hears the girl.  I don’t deny that we have a soul-tie. Rather than cheapen it, I made the decision to always cherish it and at a distance.
    Let me say that God works in mysterious ways his wonders to perform. Just for the record, let me share some other important details. My 28-years old son was killed in a head-on auto collision on Mother’s Day 2015 . . . the same day my daughter graduated with honors.  My first love also lost his last brother in 2015; he was the youngest of 5 boys.  I know that God placed this man in my life at the time he did for reasons that had nothing to do with “romance”.  You see, things don’t happen for the reasons we think they do.  Even though I was a Christian, I had sought comfort from my grief in the occult.  My first love did not know this but he eventually started witnessing to me and allowed God to work through him and he redirected me back into God’s Word. Furthermore, I am convinced that our reconnection was a test of our character. There is no one else God could have set before me that would have captured my attention or made such a positive impact to my life.

    I severed all contact with my first love 2 months ago. We have not spoken. No Facebook. No Instant Messenger.  I deleted all my communications and changed my cell phone number immediately. No calls. No email. I love him and I think of him a lot.  I pray to God to get me through. It’s not easy to forget someone who you love unconditionally who has helped to redirect your path BACK TO GOD. 
    What would I have done differently?  1) I would have suggested that he have me speak personally with his wife, so she would feel more secure that there was nothing to hide, and 2) I would have limited the contact to only when she was present to avoid the appearance of impropriety. Thanks for reading my story. Only those of us who have experienced a deep connection with another human on this level can comprehend the challenge(s) we face when it comes to “letting go”.

    There is no place for a first love, who happens to be a single woman in a married man’s life.
    God bless you all.

  • Elkay says:

    Fred, have you married your first love and that is why you are holding on so dearly “to that magical feeling”? If so, you are a very blessed husband and can be thanking God for His goodness.

    On the other hand, if you are married to someone other than your first love, there is a problem: God created marriage as a sacred institution so that man and woman could bind together, become one in His eyes, reflect His image and worship Him. And in marriage, we make covenant vows of faithfulness. All of this is made void if we are fantasizing about one person while we are married to another. This is why the author rightly suggests that “to continue in those memories and to fantasize about that old relationship is not healthy or honoring to you or your wife”. If this is your situation, please take the author’s advice.

  • Fred says:

    First loves are the most special of all romantic loves. Nothing ever compares again to that magical feeling. So fresh, trusting, and new. Heart open wide-giving it to another and hoping he/she treats it tenderly. Such attraction and life all ahead of you. Hold on to those memories with fondness if you were lucky enough to have them whether you captured your first love’s heart for life or not. Not much in this life is better than that when all is said and done. I’ll remember with a smile for the rest of my days. Or whenever a clear crisp sunny early summer day by the ocean rolls around – I can still see her beautiful face and hear that “hello”.

  • Sharon says:

    to Joey I am sorry you are feeling insecure but I am happy that he has given you happiness. prayer father God I pray the memories of this would be husband and heal joeys insecurities I pray for his marriage that you will fill it with your glory and that this marriage will thrive for your glory grow them closer to you and to each other I pray all of this in JESUS name amen. I am praying for you both– sharon

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