My Wife’s Affair Shattered our Marriage

Written by Ron and Nancy C. Anderson

HowWeSurvivedanAffair_290x220My wife repeated the sentence I could not understand,  “I’m moving out”.

I searched her eyes for the familiar fire. Seeing none, I thought,  “Who is this woman?” My wife of two years had become an instant stranger.

“What are you saying? Why do you want to leave?”, I asked.

“I’m unhappy and lonely and miserable actually.” There, it was out. “You make me miserable. Maybe with a little distance between us we’ll get closer”.

I touched her arm, but she pulled away as I said, “It doesn’t make any sense. How can distance make us closer?”

”I don’t know, but I do know that I can’t stay here.  I need some time to sort things out, a little space. I’m not even sure I even love you or that I ever did”.

I stood frozen, as I begged,  “Please don’t go now. Can’t you wait until tomorrow?”

She silently picked up her suitcase, flung her purse over her shoulder, and with a dramatic toss of her hair, walked out our front door.

A hidden affair

I knew that I hadn’t been the best husband, and that I got angry at her too often. I knew that my need to be right often made her wrong.

I knew that, lately, she had been distant. But I didn’t know that my wife was having an affair.

During the month Nancy was gone, I was a mess. Each time I called her, I would start to cry and ask her what I could do to get her to come home, but she answered my questions with one-word sentences. Then she would abruptly say,  “I gotta go”, and hang up.

I asked friends to “spy” on her, and they told me that she seemed fine … happy. They told me to move on with my life and try to accept the fact that she was gone. When Nancy told me she was filing divorce papers, I believed that our marriage was over.

Then, one night, after a miraculous change of heart, (read Nancy’s book Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome for the full story) she came home and said, “I’ve been lying to you for months, but I’m going to tell the truth now. Ask me anything.”

“Is there another man? Are you having an affair?”

She looked away and whispered, “Yes, with a man at work.  But it ends today. I’m going to quit my job tomorrow and I will never see him again. I hope that you will take me back and we can stay married.”

Rebuilding our marriage

The decision to forgive came quickly, but the rebuilding of our marriage took a long time.  I would feel good one day and hopeless the next. Then she would get frustrated and confused. There might be a week where we would be caring and loving, and then we’d slip into old patterns and have to remind ourselves to get back on track.

When we got back together, it was a good day if we were just polite to each other. If we could say “please” and “thank you” and not fight or yell,. That was as much as we could have hoped for.

The first thing we did was get godly advice from a wise Christian couple.  Then we spent several months seeing a Christian marriage counselor. We got involved in our church’s couples group, and started reading marriage materials. We knew we had to find out, “Okay, what does a husband do? What is my role? What does that look like?” She had to find out, “What is a Godly wife supposed to do?” We learned Biblical principles and found practical ways to apply them.

Another important ingredient to healing was that we offered each other mercy while we were trying to change.

When we slipped up, we tried not to get too bent out of shape over it because we both knew we were trying. It was like we were two parallel pendulums swinging back and forth, just missing each other. But through self-control and studying God’s Word, and putting those principles into our marriage, eventually we became like two pendulums, swinging in sync–together. But it took time, self-control, and a strong commitment.

Many of the habits we had established were very difficult to break. Before, we would be waiting for the other person to make a mistake so we could point it out. But when we began this new cycle. I was trying to please her and she was trying to please me.

A new personal mission

Probably the one thing that helped me the most was the verse in 1 Peter 3:7 where it instructs me to dwell with my wife in understanding.  For years and years, every comedian on television says, “Oh, I can’t understand my wife”.  It’s the proverbial joke in our culture. But if the Bible tells us to dwell with our wives in understanding, it must be possible.

I did not ask for details of Nancy’s affair.  I didn’t want obsess about what she did and where she did it. When the thoughts of her with him came to taunt me, I didn’t allow them to stay. Instead, I chose to think about the future we were building.  I took the advice I read in the Bible in Philippians 4:8 which reminded me to think about things that were pure, admirable, lovely and good.

I made it my personal mission to try to understand my wife.

I learned that my wife is more sensitive than my buddy.  I can tease and make wise cracks at my friend’s expense, and he’s just going to respond with a playful insult. But when I make fun of my wife, it breaks her down emotionally and spiritually. It hurts her and she pulls away from me.

I learned that if my wife says, “You’re’ tailgating and it’s scaring me”, I should stop tailgating.  If I love her, why would I want to frighten her? The more I understood about my wife, and respected those God-given differences, the less we argued.  We used to have brush fire arguments  – they are the little spats that turn into World War III in 90 seconds. As we worked to extinguish the brushfires, the intimacy grew, and our love grew.

Soon, Nancy realized how much my forgiveness meant to her. She thanked me many times for being willing to take her back.  She treated me with new respect and I began to appreciate her.

25 years later

I never regretted my choice to forgive Nancy. It’s been over 25 years since Nancy’s affair but we’ve never stopped learning from it.

Her affair was a symptom of a terminally ill marriage. I’m not excusing her behavior, but I was not an attentive, loving, encouraging husband.  She repeatedly told me how sad, lonely, and discouraged she felt and I selfishly tried to talk her out of her needs. I didn’t compliment her enough and I was not the spiritual leader of our home.  Our marriage was a mess and a lot of that was my fault.

We choose to take the value system God has for marriage and though our emotions may change, God’s standard doesn’t change and He is there to help us.

Our theory is: always be fine-tuning your relationship. Never let your guard down for a moment. Never take each other for granted and be careful not to get caught up in emotions because our emotions can deceive us.

We are amazed at how far we’ve come – we laugh a lot now and really enjoy each other. Our 22-year-old son often sees us holding hands and sees that we are living examples of mercy and restoration.

We had a broken home – but with the Lord’s help and a lot of work, it’s fully restored–stronger than before. My wife’s affair shattered our marriage but God redeemed what was lost and restored our marriage!

For more information about Ron and Nancy’s story, go to their marriage blog at or read Nancy’s book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome:How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around your Marriage.

Related: Daniel’s story of divorce – When Forever Ends
Related: Maureen’s story of having a porn-addicted husband – Hardcore Betrayal

185 Responses to “My Wife’s Affair Shattered our Marriage”

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Onyx17, it sounds like you are speaking from experience. Have you been through accusations of infidelity? While I would say there is never any excuse for unfaithfulness, I think it is helpful for the one whose partner has cheated to consider how his/her actions helped contribute to the break down of the relationship. Reconciliation requires both parties to extend forgiveness and grace.

  • Onyx17 says:

    When the man cheats, it’s his fault. When the woman cheats, it’s his fault.
    Blah blah blah…

  • Venancio says:

    After all, they have make a decision matching grown up people.
    But I don’t think that ‘lying cheater’s come back’ is ‘a Miracle’.
    Cheating, adultery, infidelity…
    All of those dirty soul’s behaviors are ‘Crime’. Because those are destroying someone’s real life. Those ‘intention’ within those behaviors are absolutely not a ‘right and proper’ manner to solve some problem in human relationship. Cheating contains vicious intention.

    I send full compliments for their very mind full effort for restoration.
    But I have a really big question, why she came back as soon as after her Extramartial partner leaving?
    During her having an affair, even she did not have any deep conversation with her husband.
    Why did she change suddenly her mind was willing to commit to having an affair?

    What was the voice of her inner conscience when she was asking forgiveness for her adultery to husband?

    I really really want to know that.

    No matter how much of self-justification and how packaging for excuses, there is no change that adultery and extramarital affairs, destroying past all memories of their spouse, are ‘premeditated crime’ demolished the family also.

    I should like to point that, their restored marriage ironically came from three behaviors of her own, those are her return back and confess and asking forgive her to husband. If she did not doing those three behaviors, there would be no restoration

  • Venancio says:

    After all, they have make a decision matching grown up people.
    But I don’t think that ‘lying cheater’s come back’ is ‘a Miracle’.
    Cheating, adultery, infidelity…
    All of those dirty soul’s behaviors are ‘Crime’. Because those are destroying someone’s real life. Those ‘intention’ within those behaviors are absolutely not a ‘right and proper’ manner to solve some problem in human relationship. Cheating contains vicious intention.

    I send full compliments for their very mind full effort for restoration.
    But I have a really big question, why she came back as soon as after her Extramartial partner leaving?
    During her having an affair, even she did not have any deep conversation with her husband.
    Why did she change suddenly her mind was willing to commit to having an affair?

    What was the voice of her inner conscience when she was asking forgiveness for her adultery to husband?

    I really really want to know that.

    No matter how much of self-justification and how packaging for excuses, there is no change that adultery and extramarital affairs, destroying past all memories of their spouse, are ‘premeditated crime’ demolished the family also.

    I should like to point that, their restored marriage ironically came from three behaviors of her own, those are her return back and confess and asking forgive her to husband. If she did not doing those three behaviors, there would be no restoration.

  • Callie says:

    Susan; What is troubling me is my husbands absolute Refusal to aknowledge social or even polite actions after the abuse of 42 years he went through. My mother in law and the rest of the family have been in family therapy for over a year as dictated by the court. I always felt that peace love and understanding were the hallmark if civilized needs. My husband maintains that since we never tried to understand his needs since 1985, that he did not have to observe any of ours.
    It got to its most dangerous episode to date on a day that epitomizes peace. Christmas 16 days ago. We have moved 1230 miles to the west of where we lived until last year, Many of my and my father in laws friends were driving the distance or flying out. Many of them have expressed my husbands attitude since refusing to back off a job in 2001 and the maiming of four men when they tried forcing him to remove his bid. They said they felt uncomfortable with the number of times since he refused to back off confronting people over rights.
    The last three years after he came home from three years of rehab after a MRSA infection in his spine it has been him deciding we had nothing to say in any part of his life, Especially after he discovered my last affair. Because the man played a bad joke and swept his cane putting him on the floor. My husband put him in ICU. Then coming back from a stress center two weeks latter I was just going with my husbands mother, father and his best friend to a fundraising dinner. My husband came home that evening and would not sit down after the dinner any where he selected to try and figure out solutions to what had to happen. I had the new outfit I was wearing to go He ripped it off me and decided he had waited for our marriage for three decades to long. He lefty me without a choice in any thing that evening.
    Then the vacation this spring breaking his fathers neck. Then thanksgiving to get him away from the house when we had other guest my husband was taken to the jail. The deputy thought his father was the owner. we thought it was going to be just the evening then we got hit for filing a false report getting my husband left in the input area for four days. This Christmas to keep that from happening again his father offered my husband 4000.00 to be any where else. My husband has become so confrontational he shoved it into his fathers mouth. He said he was having something besides sandwiches the first time since 1971 in his house with his meal and his father could shove it. So Christmas dinner I put a plate together for my husband handed him his flatware and because of the tension I told my husband he could take it out to the pole barn were he would be out of the wind and he could eat there. I was getting potatoes gravy and turkey out of my nose, ears and hair and changing my cloths the next minute. His father and seven other suffered when the they threw him out on the porch and told him to get some manners and come back in 1000 years, We forgot the house is my husbands and the meal was supplied by him. I really did not have the right to make my request. His mother came in and told me that I had better get him back in fast with another plate ready but it was to late. I heard my husbands Horse Bart come up on the deck The front door burst open and my husbands lariat loop went around his fathers neck The other end was around the Pomell of his saddle and he was standing there with his 30 30 trained on us he said that the men who threw him out of his house and laid their hands on him were free to take their families and leave that none of them had the right or the say about him in his own home ever One man tried reaching for his .40 Smith and Wesson the man looked up and heard go ahead be stupid you will like the .30 hole in your forehead and the garage sized in the back He let his father up and kicked him in the rear to go out the door, I still don’t know if they found a Christmas dinner any where. it had to be the most embarrasing day of my life..
    I have tried for decades to get my husband to get a kinder gentaller out look on his rights. I never wanted anything to come to this in 1985 when this started. I just wanted a few years to stabilize after he came home from the navy.
    After his getting angry in 1987 about my not keeping a promise about his vacation after begging him hat in hand to let someone else have the vacation slot so she could have a June wedding in Rome. We had decided that first time that my husband was to take his vacation in another seven months to keep from getting into other vacation times was after he worked the Christmas down week he could make up for his missed down week and the vacation we negotiated him out of all at once between January second an Februrary 14th. we could have the honey moon we never had when we were married due to the needs of the navy, I cold talk the life he needed to consider over with him and start our married life in peace. Until this last year I hardly got any thing but drop dead out of my husband and everything just got worse.
    I have no Idea how to make him understand his life was spent doing good for others, But he hates us for it, Says we kept him a slave, A person of no rights, and now just a throw away cripple. The only person I think he loves is our two year old born 3 months before my 49th birthday, In 2013 on December 8th.
    I can also say the abuse that his father started in 1972 My husband came back from the Army to complete high School There was some type of social disrespect on the football team involving four school board members and their sons. My husband was knocked out and zip tied to a tree, and his father and the four school board members whipped him with extension cord until he needed 153 stiches and three units of blood. This was the reason he became so angry they laid their hands on him, He told his father after being cut down the next morning never again would he allow it or he would kill the person that did. I just don’t know a way to get peace in this.

  • BGS says:

    I just read what callie wrote back in march. Things did not go as she or my father expected. I was either going or she was not. She only tried one time to make some kind of compromise about me going, she said you know your father is already angry I took the loan she was going to make my fathers best friend to go, for myself, she said we already know that he won’t be going, but my father really did not want me to come in defiance to his wish, She said he is now getting old, I had already caused him to be hurt once when I decided I was not letting his traditions in holidays stand, when we came to blows memorial day 2014. She said don’t you think you can wait three more years until 2018 and she would talk herself blue to get me included on the Hawaii trip, I asked one question. can you guarantee I wont be hospitalized again in 2018, I said the last 33 years I had paid for her to go to places like England, Ireland, Paris, Germnany. Rome, Athens, Greece, The orient express, and the Mid East. I told her I wasn’t paying for a cruise in the Carrabean unless I was going. I left her no choice about the double berth I had reserved after canceling her single berth. After arriving at the hotel we were told we were to go to the conference room. My father, a woman I had graduated high school with, her son who worked where I am retired from and his fiancé, were all waiting with the line agent, She told me that my wife was being given her original single berth. I was being given a first class ticket home for my trouble and a return on my part of the fare, and a discount voucher for any cruise I wanted for two years just not this one. I pushed it all back across the table, said they would have to find another fool to take that deal, She turned and said my father gave his word that I would be receptive to this. I said my fathers word was not mine was it, if they tried bumping me off the cruise I would own the ship, She called he supervisor and was told if I was resistant there was nothing she could do. The woman I had gone to high school with said that her son and his fiancé could not get married in June like they wanted because he could not get the vacation slot he wanted because he was so low in seniority. She said can’t you just take what you are offered and give my berth up. My answer was I guess your son will have to get used to disappointment wont he. I told her that this was the first vacation trip in 33 years. She said she knew that, she said so now you are willing to treat some one as you were treated.
    My father and I came to blows, that night. They found another couple to take the deal, my father was angry I was going and made his word a laugh. I actually broke his neck when he tried hitting me with a ball bat. Nobody in the family boarded. My mother blames my father for what happened, he says that nobody should have to put up with my defiance. He also says I was given one simple instruction for my life, just shut up and do as I was told, and I was to stupid to obey. He said I have forced myself into my life without regard for what any one needed the last to years, He said I came home and raped my wife, when she was just going to do a favor for a friend, I have turned all of his friends into my target when they just needed my time, He says I did not have the right to retaliate for them doing what was needed to get me to see their needs.
    I am now leaving it up to the legal system to decide who was in the wrong, one ada said that there were so many times that I had to defend myself she doesn’t understand why when there was a complaint made to the sheriff there was not arrests made. I called the sheriff and put her on to let her ask that question. He’s the one that tried to be fair when he was a deputy. He said that the sheriffs department was almost run by the county, out of the commissioners office because he had the ability to hold funding. He said since my fathers best friend was the commissioner, things were swept under the rug, when the commissioner wanted it. She told him that she wanted every thing they had in complaint from me and about me and the notes why things were left to get to this point. They were turned over to the federal attorney.
    She cry’s and begs me not to go for filing the charges. says that things just need to be forgiven. I don’t know if I can be the saint she wants, I want everyone that hurt me and denied me a life, to feel the pain I felt for 33 years, I want my father to get out of my face, and stay out of my marriage. As my wife said I have made my self the king in my home.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Beth, thanks for reaching out for help. What has brought about your desire to change your relationship?

  • Beth says:

    [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information] – I am a women has been sleeping with a married man for over thirty years. I want to stop, or find a new man. Someone who doesn’t have children OR someone who has sons who can marry one of my daughters. Maybe a double date? Please call me!

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Steve, my heart breaks when I read your story. It is a tragedy when marriages are destroyed. I totally understand your decision to end your marriage, but let me caution you about the decisions you make right now. I can see why you would just want to be away from the situation as quickly as possible and try to start fresh, but your daughters still need you. Especially if your wife’s boyfriend is a sex offender. They need their dad to love them, protect them and guide them. By moving away you are going to make it very difficult to accomplish that. I would imagine that you have a strong position to get custody of your girls and you need to make sure you are making decisions that will solidify that position. Talking to a family lawyer will help guide the decisions that you make so you can fulfill your most important role of being your daughters’ dad. I am sure there is a lot more complexity to the situation then what i know right now, but I encourage you to put aside your first desire to just get away and plan carefully how you can take the next steps.

    Let me pray for you: Dear Jesus, I pray for Steve right now. I can hear the pain in his comments and I can understand the anger, hurt, frustration, helplessness he feels right now. I ask that You would help him choose his steps wisely so that he can maximize his influence in his daughters’ lives. Help him to find quality advice and to prioritize things well right now. Bring healing to his heart. Lord I also pray for his girls and ask that You would be guarding them from the fall out of their parent’s failing marriage. Show Your love to them in real tangible ways and speak into their lives so that they can follow Your leading. Lord, I know that You are also able to do miracles and bring healing to relationships that seem completely hopeless. I know Steve still loves his wife, even though he has be so cruelly betrayed. I ask that You would do a miracle in their family and bring life and love back to all that is broken. Show Steve’s wife the destructiveness of her actions. Help Steve to recognize the things that he has doe that have contributed to the problems. Bless their daughters with the joy of seeing their parents renewed in love for one another and living out the commitment of that love. Amen.

    Steve, I am sure that a restored marriage seems impossible right now, but I have seen it happen. If you go here you can see an example of a marriage that was saved after a wife’s affair. I have seen Jesus heal a marriage that was broken apart by a wife who slept with her best friend’s husband. Not only did Jesus bring healing to both of those marriages but the friendship has also been made new. He can do that for you as well. It won’t happen overnight but it can happen if you start by letting Jesus guide your decisions, your words, and your emotions as well. Have a look at the video and let me know what you think.

  • Steve N says:

    Susan and Steve,

    Thank you for your prayers but things got worse. I found out who the guy is and it turns out he is a sex offender. It’s too much if I have to be honest. I’m leaving at the end of July and moving to Arkansas to stay with my son. Its amazing but even though the guy is a sex offender – a convicted felon – she has the right to invite him over. She swears she broke it off but I don’t care.

  • Susan says:


    I am so sorry to hear this and I agree with you Steve, this is not easy. I ask you to trust Jesus. He is your peace. Commit your life to Him and ask Jesus to help in this. Steve, please stop checking her message because this can cause you more down and angry towards her. Just keep pray and ask God to help you. You know our God is El Shaddai means, He is Almighty. There is no time for God to change her thought she is not faithful to you. In the Bible in Psalms 46:1 says..God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.

    Let me pray for you.

    Father God,

    I commit Your child, Steve in Your hand. Lord, fill him with Your peace. Help him to trust You. Lord, strengthen him and draw him closer to You. Lord, I pray that You restore this relation. Lord, speak to his wife, change her behavior , help her to be faithful to her husband. Lord, have mercy upon this family. Protect this marriage and I ask this prayer in the mighty name of Jesus, Amen.

  • Chris says:

    Steve n….sorry for this situation…adultery is a horrible thing and can ruin a marriage if there isnt proper repentance from the sinning partner. at the same time, working away from home can present a situation to a mate that isnt always too easy to overcome so keep that in mind also. that doesnt mean a man shouldnt take a business trip now and then but depending on the time and frequency, that could really reap havoc in a marriage. i suggest from your side first of all and to have your own inner peace, receive jesus christ into your heart since he is the prince of peace. looking to christ for ones own personal shortingcomings and sins, is the first start in being able to forgive others and to know how to handle each of lifes situations. log onto or click talk to a mentor above to begin your walk with christ today. you wont regret it. he is the only one guaranteed not to fail. our mates will never be perfect anyway, so why not keep our focus on the one who will, jesus the christ. i pray you find his peace and salvation today!

  • Steve N says:

    This just happened to me a few days ago and I’m vacillating between being forgiving, loving and moving on and just hating her for it. Last night we cuddled and cried and said how much we loved each other and today I was out of my mind yelling yelling and calling her a slut. What makes it worse is, I found out by checking her text messages. The messages between her and her boyfriend are so incredibly graphic and went into detail about what they did and how they loved it. I can’t these images out of my mind. What’s even worse is it all happened in our home while I was overseas working and in our bed, while our daughters were asleep in the next room. The guy even bought my daughters gifts and took them all out to restaurant once. She met this guy at the gym we go to, and I keep thinking he sees me and is probably having such a laugh at me. She refuses to point him out. Its driving me crazy. I don’t think I can take this. I want out!

  • Chris says:

    Joseph…your situation is indeed a difficult one. how to get a mate to stay in love with their spouse and not become unfaithful. a very good question since a persons heart is prone to wander and to want something new. i believe the only way is for that heart to have its anchor in christ so that the temptations of better waters can be resisted effectively. that means each of us must give our hearts to jesus so he can keep them for us and by his words purify our lives unto his heavenly kingdom. it starts with each of us. we cant teach what we dont experience ourselves. i encourage you to find the rock of your own salvation by logging onto or by clicking talk to a mentor above. that way you can have a firm foundation for your own life despite what your wife may or may not do in the marriage. we cant forcé people to walk with their creator but we can ourselves and show them its the only way to truly live. i pray you see that too. amen

  • joseph says:

    well where do i begin
    my wife of 6 years about a year and half ago started saying she didnt want to be married , changed her name on facebook started saying im feeling trapped well i had found a dating profile that she had up for such alont time she had started talking to an old fling from a long time ago and once caught with the profile she deleted it but the damage was there already done the secret emails the sectret talks
    well she continued to talk to this dude for for about a month or two and it stopped she had worked on the relationship somewhat then out of no where she started talking to our old neighbor and she started going out to spend the nigh and with in two month in a half we came to some seperation talk and we both were arguing and fighting because of the way she was acting needless to say i got tricked into leaving the house she cheated on me the next day 3 times she was partying and all kind of [expletive removed] sends me a message saying that the marriage is over she ha dthe most fun in her life in a long time talking aboutthe sex and beer pong ( hindsight)the whole next week she talked to me as nothing had happend asked me how my day was and how counseling was goin i found out after that friday that my brother inlaw had told me to move on ect so now she slept with him na dthen a week later she says she did it becuase she wanted too but she did it becuase she was or thought she was going to move on with him or she wouldnt have gotten mad about it when she was told that he didnt want her becasue she has to much going on and she freaks out when he doesnt answer her right away now mind you i dont talk to her no more becuase she says she dont love me regaurdless and she doesnt want to talk about our relationship and she doesnt want to fix nothing she blamed blamed and more blame and when i asked if she felt guilty about it she said she does but then again she doesnt sorry thats the way i feel she says
    now things were bad in those last year becuase we were distant , we argues and i got depressed and got a little physical towards the end
    so why is she mad at me , why does she not want this marriage why does she act like we never existed and how can u fall out of love like this im lost and im hurt and i dont know how she could have came to anything in two months i know she has a lot of freinds that gas her head up

  • Kate says:

    Sin has consequences, from which we are not exempt. Yet forgiveness is possible. Forgiveness does not come cheap, it cost the life of God’s son, but it is free.

    I found James MacDonald’s teaching on forgiveness helpful. Google it if you like. He said, “Forgiveness is the decision to release someone from the obligation that resulted when they injured you.”

  • mike says:

    you know my wife cheated in the three months up till we married and a short while after – we are now married for 42 years i forgave – but it has eaten my joy – why did i stay , well i loved her to bits then – now i think its just being used to each other. neither of us is ecstatically happy – maybe we do not deserve to be – maybe we should have not married – intimacy is non existent maybe 200 occasions in 40 years [yeah i know]. I forgave but could not erase the images of my girl with a man 20 years older than her – oh it was said to be my fault i was not romantic enough – my experience would say if anyone cheats it is simply for their own selfish needs and is not the other persons fault and we should never take the notion on board that cheating can ever be excused.

  • Jesse says:

    Okay, one problem with this article. She cheated, at the end he pretty much admits fault, “I’m not excusing her behavior, but I was not an attentive, loving, encouraging husband. She repeatedly told me how sad, lonely, and discouraged she felt and I selfishly tried to talk her out of her needs. I didn’t compliment her enough and I was not the spiritual leader of our home. Our marriage was a mess and a lot of that was my fault.” It’s all bull. An affair is not a symptom, folks! It’s the biggest effing problem you’ll ever have to deal with in a marriage! Further an affair can happen whether the marriage is viewed as “good” or not.

    To Callie. Of course your husband is acting this way. Any sane person, when realizing how effed up their life is would react that way. It isn’t right for him to abuse you, but barring that he should be allowed to be free of all the toxicity in his life, and that might include you. You cheated on him. You went on vacations without him. You withheld sex from him. When he thinks of these things and then follows it up with you giving the most holy part of your marriage to another man of course he’s going to flip out and go ape-sh!t crazy. Who wouldn’t? Give him the space he needs. If you’re lucky he’ll be able to lie to himself that the marriage was awesome enough before you cheated to not just leave you where you stand.

  • Chris says:

    callie…sorry to hear of your struggles. though people may fail us we know the one person who never will is jesus christ. i pray you log onto or click talk to a mentor to find out more about the wonderful life jesus has in store for you!

  • Don says:

    Why as men do we put up with this kind of adulterated B.S.!
    Not that women should put up with it either! If someone cheats on you then it is time to move on!
    Life is to short and we all should be happy! To me this shows lack of respect and no empathy what so ever! Once a cheater always a cheater in my book! Dump them and quit blaming yourself and move on and find someone that you will be happy with! Once the trust is gone then you have nothing!!!!

  • Bd says:

    Callie, amazing how you wonder…. why your husband has gone off the deep end?!?
    I’ll bet u wish u hadn’t had those affairs, it gave your husband a chance to wake up and take a mental inventory of his life!

  • callie says:

    Since my husband discovered my affair with an old BF, he has terrorized everyone, me for not allowing sex for decades, because it was the only way to get him to cooperate with people even a little. many times to get him to cooperate armed force from his father and others had to be utilized. but after the affair was discovered first for a humiliation n the man I was caught with part, my husband destroyed his body and his life, For being forced into working everyday but six over a thirty one year period he has taken people to task starting with myself and his father, his father says t was just making him be a man. Two weeks after he discovered my affair he came home from a stress center, I had just finished getting ready to accompany his fathers best friend to a political fund raising dinner since his wife divorced him, it was just going to be a few hours away from home as a favor, but my husband came in like a full steam boiler about ready to go bang.
    I tried to negotiate with him about that night and the way things needed to happen, I said I will tell you what we need a many decade overdue talk about how to offer you a way back into your life, to allow you marital relations, to allow you something in holidays at home so nobody is angry.
    He said none of us had any say about his rights now, his cooperation with all the jerks in his life was at a stop, my life as a socialite was done, I was going to be a real wife and there was nobody that had a say but him now, I knew his intent was not going to be nice, the becoming a real wife was the clue that I had better run, he grabbed my dress as I took off and said I paid for this as it came apart, and by this time I was backing back into the living room crying please not like this cant we just talk this through, he said no you had your chance to make it right for 31 years, then you let another man have what is mine, He did not use protection. When he finished he got up put his sweat shorts on and went to answer the door, he tossed me the phone and said I hope you like being hungry I froze the accounts earlier for my defense fund go ahead and get the police, His fathers friend was at the door and my husband said I was indisposed that he may as well go by himself, He mentioned he could enter any residence in the city because he worked for the mayor, my husband said badge and warrant, the man tried to force his way pas and ended up not going either. his face was getting 23 sutures after my husband said you are leaving now and threw him off the porch into the drive face first, right in front of his arriving mother and father, Since then we have not had any way to get him to cooperate, if I am invited he considers himself invited and he is willing to flatten anyone standing in his way, we have tried armed force again, he just showed up with that mid evil sorcerers cane of his and laid the faces of the men open to the bone that held pistols on him, he has backhanded his father across the room. invited himself on the family cruise and vacation in two weeks, I have to allow it because he has threatened to pull my funding. he says since I have had ten overseas vacations to his none over the last 33 years its his turn, I could either cancel myself or let his arrangements stand, its left his father angry he cant get any agreement from his son for anything, and how my husband has taken every holiday, and vacation tradition made over the last 33 years and ground it into the dirt, he controls everything now, tells everybody the can drop into the ocean if they don’t like it. he feels that we owe him 32 years of life. or more, he told a dozen people in the family therapy session yesterday that we could all pick a place on his posterior and kiss it and I know if I even try to side with his father and my friends against him I will have a one way ticket away from my home and things. The doctor asked yesterday if he had any feeling of respect for me or his father any more, My husband asked a question in return why should I, they just made my life a slavery until I developed MRSA in my spine, Now I am the throw away man, who never had any respect from them.

  • Susan says:


    May I know what is troubling you?

    Father God, You know tezi’s situation and I pray that You guide tezi and help to tezi to focus on You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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