My Son Died of SIDS

Written by Marvin Job

sidsZac, my 1½ year old son and myself were busy getting our new home in shape for the arrival of Spenser Tyrone Job.  We had just moved into our house a couple days before.  We still needed railings on the stairs, tile in the front entrance and a lot of boxes unpacked.

Spenser Tyrone Job arrives!

Val gave birth to Spenser on March 27, 1987.  As much as your children change your lives from their birth onwards, I never expected the changes that laid ahead for Val and myself.

Spenser was one of those kids that could eat a great meal (bottle) and then throw up half of it on you when you weren’t looking.  I remember one time heading into town with Zac and Spenser (three months old)  and seeing the two boys holding hands and just talking to each other.  To me it looked like they were planning their first 2-on-2 basketball team.

Four and a half months went by very quiet.  It was now mid August. Val just left with Spenser to help cook at Camp Tulahead.  For one week Zac and I were on our own.  I didn’t realize then that in six days my life would take a change in a direction that would affect me for the rest of my life.

I remember Sunday morning looking out of our upstairs living room window seeing the neighbor kids and their parents play by the swings at the park down the street.  They were laughing and having fun.  A car drove up to the mailbox across the street, the lady picked up her mail and left, just like many others did. People were walking on the sidewalk, cars were going up and down our street.  Everyone’s life was moving at its normal pace.  No one seemed to care that my world had come to a complete stop, that even though I may have looked normal on the outside I was in so much pain on the inside that I felt as if there was a hole blasted through my chest – only it wasn’t a clean hole.  The edges of the hole felt as though they were torn all around and the entire way through.  I didn’t know that you could feel so much physical pain from an emotional loss.

Spenser Tyrone Job is now with Jesus

The day before, Saturday, August 22, 1987, Spenser died.  I was young and didn’t expect life to through me a curve like that.  We were camping at the group campsite at Allouette Provincal  Park with our young couples group from church. Val met Zac and me there on the second day of the weekend as she came straight from Camp Tulahead.  Spenser had a minor cold that week and was a bit crabby, probably from the long drive. I remember putting Spenser to bed on his stomach, in the tent, on top of one of our sleeping bags. Twenty minutes later I went back to check on him. He was in a different position, very quiet and face down into the sleeping bag.  As I rotated his head to help him breathe better while sleeping, I saw blue colouring around his month and under his nose.  As I shook him to wake him, major panic struck my body. He wasn’t waking up. The next thing I can remember was running out of the tent carrying a limp Spenser yelling, ”He is dead.”  From then on until the ambulance came is a fog to me. All I remember is that a friend of mine did CPR on Spenser until the paramedics took over.

The next few hours were very draining on Val and myself.  We spent those long hours praying, not even knowing what to pray for (to live or to die as Spenser had been without oxygen for quite some time) and we spent time crying.  As I think back, I don’t even remember where Zac was, except that he was with one of our friends.

What now, God?

Zac was two years old then.  Even though we tried to tell him his brother was now with Jesus in heaven I don’t really think it made real sense to him.  That next day I saw Zac sitting on the property peg in the back corner of our lot, so I went out to see what he was doing.  He told me that he was making a phone call to God to see how Spenser was doing.  It wasn’t till a month later that Zac would cry wondering when Spenser would come back.

That next day on Sunday, August 23, I remember a lot of people coming and going and I remember, as I said already, looking out of our living room window.  The rest of the things I remember happened on the inside.  Have you ever wondered what to think? What to feel?  What was happening?  Life did not prepare me for the death of my son.  The emotions that I had were all mixed up and included the normal emotions of loss, and heartache but with an added sense of non-reality. At times I expected Spenser to start crying for food, the next minute I was trying to make a deal with God to trade places with Spenser.

Was it my fault?

I had feelings of guilt for what had happened.  I really didn’t want to deal with Spenser on Saturday because he was grumpy and crying.  What kind of Dad would not want to spend time with his son after not seeing him for the past week?  For the longest time I felt I killed my own son – that I put him on sleeping material that was too soft that he could suffocate on. Even after the autopsy came back, death by Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, I questioned for a long time and still to this day wonder if I wasn’t so disinterested in dealing with a crying child, would I have paid attention more to how I put him to bed.  Would Spenser be alive today?  Did I kill my own son?

Isolation began to set in quickly.  None of my friends could relate to what Val and I were going through.  Our thinking changed.  Many things became trivial.  Our reason for having another child, as hard as it seemed to us at the time, was to have more than one just in case another one dies.  When I would look at someone’s baby I wouldn’t look to see it smile, I would look at the chest or back to see if he or she was breathing.  Some of my friends didn’t know what to say to me, so they didn’t say anything.  Two years later one of my friends came up to me in tears, finally able to talk to me normally as we did before.

Over the next few months and years, although less frequent with time, my emotions which I never had before, were uncontrollable at the most inconvenient of times. I was told that time heals.  Well, I discovered that in time you also forget.  It was good that in time I forgot the pain of Spenser’s death, but it was forgetting his voice, his touch and his character – I would feel guilty that I was forgetting my own son.  I felt ripped off that my friends got to have all their kids grow up with them and what memories I had were fading.  To this day I only have a few real strong memories of Spenser and find myself guarding them.

“I will never leave yWill Never Leave You”

Hebrews 4:12 tells us that God is always with us, He will not leave us.  I learned this as a young boy.  I started to grasp for something that was constant in my life, something that would not change, someone that was there yesterday and would be there tomorrow – God.  God became a stronghold in my life.  On that Sunday morning of August 23, 1987 as I looked out the window of my living room at the normality of life in the presence of my chaos, I remember feeling glad that someday I will see my son again. I also felt sad that some of the people in the park across the street playing with their kids more than likely do not have that same assurance of salvation that will make reunion in heaven possible.

During this time my relationship with Val became a more important part of my life.  We heard that child deaths cause many marriages to break up.  I could not understand how that could be, as I wanted Val close to me more than ever.  We went through our grieving together.  We needed each other.

Jesus Gave His Life for Us
One thing I have come to understand a little better through my time of grief and years of contemplating the short life and death of Spenser, is that I would not want to give one of my children’s lives up for others – to the point of death so that others could live. God did just that. In the verse John 3:16 we recognize that God the Father gave us His only son Jesus to die on the cross, but do we realize what God the Father must have gone through seeing his son hang on the cross.  If I had the power to save my son I would have.  God had the power to save his son and yet He chose not to.  God loves me so much that He chose to allow His son to die for me.

I know in my own heart that God had a purpose for Spenser’s life.  I trust that one day, when I meet Jesus face to face, I will know and understand completely God’s plan for his life.

Forms: /relatedreading/lifeissues

72 Responses to “My Son Died of SIDS”

  • Carole says:

    My heart goes out to all who have suffered these losses. My grandmother used to say that no mother should ever have to outlive her child, but this happens everyday. I too know there is nothing I can say to ease your hurt so I will pray.

    Father God, we come to you this day in prayer for all those who have lost children. Ease their pain and bring them peace and understanding. We know they will never forget their days together. Help them keep their memories of the smiles and laughter that these children brought into their lives. Bless them Lord in ways that can only come from you. In Jesus’ holy name, Amen.

  • Dustie says:

    On January 15 2016 I had two beautiful healthy babies. Boy and girl. It was amazing and after not being able to get pregnant for so long and then having twins! God truly blessed me. August 28, 2016 I went downstairs to check on my baby girl Dakota and she was unresponsive. I tried to clear out the stuff from her mouth and her father did CPR till the ambulance came. A cop drove dad, I and twin brother Waylon to the hospital.. we were there for over three hours even though time felt so strange felt like an eternity but also felt like ten minutes. All I remember feeling some hope that God would give her back to me. I kept saying please God please don’t. The doctor came in and said he couldn’t get her heart to beat. That she official “expired”. I run that through my mind everyday. I walked in to see my baby who was 7 months old at the time laying in a hospital bed wrapped up in a blanket, tube in her mouth. I grabbed her and kissed her I didn’t want to let her go. I still wake up at night crying and trying to find her just to realize it’ll be awhile before I’ll ever see her again. I sleep closely to Waylon at night just to make sure I can hear/feel/see breathing. It’s the worse pain I have ever felt.. I felt betrayed, guilt.. I don’t even know when the pain will go away or if it will at all..

  • Aldo says:

    Mari, I know that nothing I can say will ease the pain that you must be experiencing, so let’s pray:

    Heavenly Father, Almighty God, You Who not only holds the entire universe in the palm of Your hand, but the breath of life of each one of us, and Who knows the pain of loosing a child, look with compassion upon Mari. Minister to her as only You can, and grant her the peace that surpasses all understanding, in Jesus precious Name. Amen.

  • mari says:

    Im so sorry for everyones lost… I lost my bestfriends baby to sids. I say i lost him because he was in my care 6 month old healthy baby boy so precious and sweet.. it all started like a normal day , my friend was starting work early so she dropped him off at my house around 645 am he was awake already more awake than i was… at around 1045 i laid him in his car seat for a nap and covered it with a blanket .i cleaned up around the house a bit and went to take a shower when i came out the blanket was over his mouth and nose and he wasnt breathing… i did cpr but some frothy kinda mucus looking liquid came out of his nose and i knew he was gone… it’s been almost 3 months and i still cry everyday i cant find peace the pain and guilt of not being able to save him kills me everyday a little more. I loved baby adrian so much and i feel like such a failure. I wish god eould have tooken me instead because im just not living anymore. I have a 3 year old and i judt dont know how to be a mom anymore..

  • Sharon says:

    to everyone on this site my deepest sympathy to all who has had children die of SIDS I pray Gods comfort on you all my sister in law had a baby die of SIDS it is sooo sad for children dying of SIDS I am praying for you all– sharon

  • Pattie Driscoll says:

    I found my beautiful 3 1/2 mos old, 17 lbs baby in his crib!
    I knew he was dead….was napping. He cried before he finally went to sleep!
    Brendan died from SIDS, they tell me; but I shouldn’t have let him cry!
    26 years later, I feel I’m still to blame!
    My husband’s sister also had a SIDS baby; so I think there might be a genetic component involved here! ?


    My daughter passed Thursday Sept 22 2016 at 3 mos and 1 day. It is the hardest thing I’ve gone thru. Her viewing is tomorrow and I’m sick to my stomach. My fiancee and one year old are the only reason I have not completely list my mind.The moment is so fresh and so raw it seems like it will last forever.

  • Jessica Tallent says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. My baby girl passed away at 9 days old almost a month ago. She was fine at 8am, and then I woke up out of a dead sleep to find her not breathing at 10am. I’ve had over 15 nurses look her up and down and she was perfect in every way but had no brain activity so they said it was SIDS. I to ask these many questions. Was it my fault?.. did I kill my daughter?.. But I know that Jesus has a plan and he will tell me why when I’m ready. I am praying for your family and everyone else who has had this happen to them. It’s not okay, but it is okay because Jesus is holding our precious children for us until we get there.

  • Kristal Renee says:

    Jasmine your baby passed 3 days before mines. The day she died my mom house was condemned.because of mold her autopsy hasn’t even came back yet. so now me my husband and two boys are living with my dad. I only had her 110 days I think about her constantly. I have recently made bad decisions I just got a dwi
    I have never been this sad I don’t know what to do.i may need to get help

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Jasmine, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can understand why you would be afraid of this happening again. How has your faith in Jesus helped you through this tragedy?

    Let me pray for you: Lord Jesus, my heart breaks to hear of Jasmine and her boyfriend’s loss. I pray Lord that You would continue to bring comfort and strength to them in this time of sorrow and grief. I pray that You would bring peace to Jasmine’s fears about the possibility of this happening again to another child. I don’t understand why You would allow such a tragedy to happen to her but I pray that as You continue to lead her through these days that she would be a conduit of Your love and peace in other’s lives who have also suffered great loss. Fill her with Your love so that she can extend that to others. Amen.

  • Jason says:

    To flower – are you seriously trying to say to Jasmine that her choice to have a child out of wedlock put her in a negative light in God’s eyes and hence she was punished????


    I lost a son at 5 months old to what was deemed SIDS by a lazy investigative team and coroner when in actuality he was smothered in his sleep by his own mother, MY WIFE. A child conceived and born to a married couple in the eyes of this “God”.

    Jasmine (and all others who are suffering) – I am very sorry you have to endure the pain of a loss like this. No one deserves the pain that follows!

  • Well I’d like to start by saying I’m sorry for each of you that’s endured the pain I have these passed 5 months.

    My name is Jasmine my boyfriend and I have birth to a healthy baby boy on May 11, 2016 at 4:36 pm Carter Anthony Weaver 7 pounds 3 oz 19 1/4 in long we came home. Everything was going great we went to our first second and 3rd Dr visits and he was fine just as healthy as can be. On July 9, 2016 my son went to sleep at 8 pm and woke up at 1:55 for a bottle his dad fed him his bottle and at 2 months old he held his own bottle when he finished I changed his diaper his clothes and we went to bed. His dad woke up at 7:30 said he kissed us both on the forhead he was fine. At 10 he was cooking so he came in and asked was I hungry and I said yeah. Something told me to get up and get my baby. I picked him up and I noticed he wasn’t breathing I ran with him to my living room and told his dad to call 911 I immediately tried CPR mouth to mouth then the dispatch woman said try to put my finger inside his mouth and it was clenched then I noticed his right arm was stuck beside his head she said get him off his back then his dad put him on his shoulder and white stuff like vomit came out of his nose then we both listened for a heart beat and we heard it but it was fading by the time the emt got there he was gone he was 1 month and 29 days old pronounced dead on July 10, 2016 at 10:21 am it’s September and I still want to wake up. I cry everyday! I’m only 21 years old I never wanted to do this ever but I believe in Jesus Christ so strong my faith has gotten me where I am now.. Its getting better but it’ll never get easier! I miss him more and more everyday I want another baby just afraid of it happening again..

  • Sharon says:

    to Julie— my deepest sympathy to your friend and to you. may you feel God’s comfort at this time. I am sooo sorry for her loss. I cannot imagine on what she is going through and for you hurting for her. I am sure there is no sense of it. my sister in law lost her child also to SIDS I hurt for people who lose babies to SIDS how terrible for parents to go through that. I can cry for you and your friend. may you and your friend be comforted at this time. sharon

  • Julie says:

    My friend just lost her baby a few hours ago. No reason and nothing will ever make sense. My heart is dying

  • Sebastian's mam says:

    I deeply appreciate the kindness of each one of you who took the time to write to me –thank indeed Cristina, Kate and North’s mommy. There is nothing more comforting for me now than human warmth and benevolence!

    I would like very much indeed to exchange feelings dear North’s mommy but your e-mail address is blocked. What could be the way to get in touch then? I am not very familiar with this kind of websites.

    I am working hard on my grieve but the tinny butterfly that manages to get out of a black cocoon in my heart in a second of hope, is lying dead next morning or even only a couple of hours later… These past few days had been particularly hard –close to the 4th I guess. I seek refuge most of the time in my husband as well but, although we love each other very much, it may be somehow overwhelming for him to have to deal with his own pain and on top receive my profound depression continuously –sometimes I sort of worry thinking if whatever me comes out of this trauma would be lovable, if I will manage to become a better human because of this terrible pain and not the contrary… Some others I think that the immense love I feel towards my baby makes me automatically more and better human… but what if it does not get to be transforming energy?
    I guess although I cannot give much at the moment, my soul needs to feel very much loved now to try to heal. It is precisely the love of my husband, whom I love even more seeing him almost exactly duplicated in our son, one of my solid anchors to life. When I feel myself incapable of ever coming out, it comes his “we will get through this together”…

    Dear Kristal/Renee, my heart still in pain as if I had lost my son a few days ago, embraces yours! There are no words to pacify a mother’s heart in such a pain –we know it now! But feel the quietness of my sincere company even in the distance and, if somehow is for you of some relieve, you can count on my ears!
    I honestly, being naturally strong, have not being able to process it all on my own, I am still in therapy and I do not see myself even half way there. Could it be maybe an idea to get some support for yourself?

    A big hug to you all and I hope, a peaceful weekend!

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Oh KristalRenee, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Let me pray for you: Dear Jesus, I pray for KristalRenee as she and her family mourns the loss of their precious daughter. I ask that You would bring people around them who can comfort them in this loss and help carry the load in this difficult time. Bring strength to KristalRenee as she faces the crushing sadness. Speak Your comfort to her as she struggles to know why this has happened. Amen.

    KristalRenee, do you have family and friends with you who are able help you and support you through your grief?

  • KristalRenee says:

    My only daughter just died 3 weeks ago .I’m so depressed. Why me? I want my baby soooooo bad.

  • KristalRenee says:

    omg i feel like you my baby just died 3 weeks ago im so depressed i want my baby sooooo much

  • North's mommy says:

    Sebastian’s mum.. My daughter passed away January 12th 2015 after only ten days of life. I know your pain and have also felt that and have asked why he would take my baby and why I only got ten days with her. All I ever wanted was a baby girl and I was so happy when she was born. She was perfectly healthy and I just didn’t and still don’t understand. Plus I have read over and over that SIDS doesn’t happen til 28 days of life.. You are the first mum like me that has lost our healthy babies to SIDS before 28 days. I have started praying and thanking God for the ten days I had with her instead of asking and being angry with only having ten days. Even though I still wonder why and I am still angry I only had my beautiful girl for ten days. But we have to think of it like some people don’t even get one second with their sweet babies. I share a special bond with you that I wish neither one of us had to bond over. If you want email me and we can talk more I would love talking to someone other than my husband that can understand my feelings. My email is [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information] I am sending so much love to you and I know we will both find some sort of peace and our babies are always visiting us. Lots of love xoxo

  • Kate says:

    Dear mum of Sebastian, my heart breaks for you too. I am grateful you found our site and had the courage to write your “wild catharsis” because we are here to be there for you. We are here to support and pray for you. Let me pray now:

    Father God, we mourn, we wail, we scream, we sob, we cry, we ache, we feel sadness, sorrow and shame, and we need You to be our shelter in the midst of this awful storm. Father, I am lifting up Sebastian’s mam to You because You care for her and my faith is in You to enable her to crawl, weak-kneed, heartbroken, whatever it may be, but always toward You, toward Your embrace and comfort that cannot be gotten anyplace else. I don’t have the words, just the heart You gave me that longs for her to know Your goodness out of all this tragedy and pain. Bless her Father, Spirit minister to her, in Jesus’ name I ask.

    The thing I remind myself when I am faced by troubles and sorrow is that what God accomplished by the cross is known to us now by FAITH, not by sight. We are still living in the broken world, marred by sin, suffering, sadness, sorrow, disease, destruction, ignorance, abuse, greed, ingratitude, evil and darkness of many sorts. God’s salvation from sin and all its corollaries is only known and grasped by faith in Jesus, because by sight the world is in a condition, and even your individual life is in circumstances, that seem to testify that God is uncaring, unresponsive, unwilling or unable to fix. The whole point, of the Christian life is to live lives that testify to the goodness of God and the salvation accomplished by the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, IN SPITE of the situations we endure. We are the salt and the light afterall because the world is in need of them. Everything is NOT as it is should be, including God’s will for Sebastian and your mother to live full, happy, healthy lives.

    God is who He says He is and He will do what He says He will do, which we must cling to by FAITH because what we see in the natural will not testify to God’s goodness. That is our calling and blessed privilege, to testify to the goodness of God in spite of circumstance, even when it goes against everything we feel and everything that has happened. Our faith in the dark, in the desert, in the wildnerness, in the lion’s den, in the dry season, our faith as we take heart despite all odds, that faith is pleasing God. When we waiver, we will grow to appreciate all the more His unwaivering faithfulness.

    The Lord is the lifter of your head. Let your feelings flow as you speak to Him. He understands. May you let go of the guilt and receive peace, may you feel your disappointment and unworthiness transformed by the glory of God in the due course of time, however long it may take for you, the Lord is patient and faithful. Also, be patient with yourself. Do you have a counselor you are speaking with? A support group at your church or in the community perhaps? Reach out to one of our mentors if you’d like to correspond with someone by email for prayer and support,

    Hang on, don’t quit, don’t be dismayed, but continue being real with yourself and with God. You are going through something incredibly difficult.

    With a hug,

  • Christina says:

    To Sebastian’s mam

    First, let me say, what a beautiful name you have given your son. My heart aches hearing your story. I know that most people, myself included, cannot comprehend the pain you are feeling.

    I think it is natural to question God in the midst of such pain. These tragedies are not some kind of “test” where God is checking to see if you pass or fail. The Bible doesn’t ever give us that kind of picture of God. Rather, the heartbreaking times bring all of us to the end of ourselves, where we know we have nothing left. What God promises is that he can be found there, with us, in the heartbreak. You are right, whereas Jesus died with a purpose and rose again, Sebastain’s death wasn’t allowed by God in order to benefit anybody. People who say things like, “God just needed another angel” are trying to be helpful, but they are wrong. God didn’t need to take your son from you for his benefit. I do believe that God is the Lord of life and death. I can’t give you a reason for the pain you have experienced. But I know that God the Father knows your pain. He experienced the death of a Son. He knows how bad you are hurting. I believe he is also crying over the lost life of Sebastain and your mother. As he sees all the pain and suffering in the world, he is heartbroken. He doesn’t want you to suffer.

    You are right. Actions speak louder than words. That’s why the Bible tells us the things God has done in history, not just words telling us what he is like. His actions have shown that he willingly gave his son so that all people can choose whether or not they want to be reunited in a loving relationship with God.

    He promises that one day he will put an end to all this brokenness (sickness, death, natural disasters, evil). Jesus loves Sebastain. He loves you. As the author of the article said hope can be found in Jesus. Why? Because if Jesus did rise from the dead, then death is not the final goodbye. Hope is found in knowing that a relationship with Jesus that starts now will last forever, and you can see your son again.

    I pray that you will be given the strength to hang on through the rough days ahead.

  • Sebastian's mam says:

    My first son, Sebastian, died of SIDS on the 04.03.2016 being born strong and healthy only 14 days before. Less than a year before, on the 15.03.2015 my mother, who was perfectly healthy and full of energy, was known down on the walking path by a car and left with severe brain injuries. The accident happened a couple of months prior to a reunion that I was expecting anxiously since I left my country 10 years ago -she was supposed to spend the whole summer with us in Europe and my heart was exploding of illusion. Finally, after indescribable suffering and physical pain she died as well exactly 3 months after my Sebastian, this June past.
    Here I am now week and incapable of remembering why was I happy to be alive… The guilt of having somehow enabled the death of my beloved son (because he was in my arms and I felt sleep) does not let me move forward.
    The promised love of God makes no sense whatsoever to me… Parents never want to be their children suffering! I grew with the love of my mother all around providing comfort and fulfilling our needs even before we had spoken them. How much is to expect from an almighty father, Is he not the lord of life and death? Then, it is not so and nature just follows a mysterious curse?
    It is said that he does not put us into tests greater than our faith but it was so for me, I do not have any faith left; it is only a deep disappointment and the sense of being unworthy for the whole universe instead…
    There is a say in Spanish that describes well what I feel towards the concept of a loving God who cares about each human now: “obras son amores y no buenas razones” (actions speak louder than words) no sign of a super natural loving force is around me
    There is no purpose and certainly no benefit for anyone with the death of a healthy and beautiful baby, Jesus died for a purpose and arose 3 days later.
    Sorry for the wild catharsis and thanks you for reading!

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