Becoming a Woman of Virtue

Written by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

spiritualgrowth_virtueMaking it personal

“Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands” (Proverbs 14:1).

  1. Am I building up my house or tearing it down?
  2. Am I investing in my marriage? Am I nurturing the heart of my marriage?
  3. Do I frequently express admiration and gratitude to my husband?
  4. Am I reserving the best of my physical and emotional energy for my family?
  5. Am I creating a climate (through words, actions, and attitudes) that makes my husband want to be at home?
  6. Am I content to be “at home”? Am I finding my “fulfillment” through reverencing and serving my husband and family?
  7. Do I reserve intimate communication, looks, words, and touch for my husband? Am I giving of my emotions, attention, affection to a man other than my husband?
  8. Am I meeting my husband’s sexual needs?
  9. Am I trustworthy? Is there any behavior or relationship I am involved in that I am keeping from my husband? Have I been totally honest with my husband?
  10. Does my husband have the freedom to be totally honest with me?
  11. Am I fueling sensual thoughts and desires through books, magazines, TV programs, music, or movies that are not morally pure?
  12. Have I become a “refuge” for a man who may be struggling in his marriage?
  13. Am I looking to a man other than my husband (pastor, counselor, colleague) to be a primary source of counsel or to fill an emotional vacuum in my life?
  14. Do I have a more intimate relationship–physically, emotionally, or spiritually–with any man than I do with my husband?
  15. Does my demeanor tend to be “loud and defiant,” or do I communicate a meek, quiet, and submissive spirit?
  16. Am I a “wall” or a “door” (Song of Songs 8:12)? Am I a “loose” woman? Do I communicate to the men around me that I am “available”? Does my demeanor invite them to “partake” of intimate parts of my body, soul, or spirit? Do I engage in flirtatious speech, looks, or behavior?
  17. Is there anything about my speech, actions, dress, or attitudes that could defraud the men around me?
  18. Am I discreet and restrained in the way I talk with men at work? Is my conversation ever loose, crude, or unbecoming for a woman of God? Am I expressing admiration for a man that should more appropriately come from his wife?
  19. Does my dress help men to keep their thoughts pure and Christ-centered? Is my dress feminine and modest?
  20. Have I erected (and am I maintaining) adequate “hedges” in my relationships with men? What are those hedges?
  21. Am I currently in a situation that is (or could become) compromising? Am I in a situation that could appear to others to be compromising?
  22. Would my husband, as well as other men and women who know me, say that I am a woman of moral virtue and purity?
  23. Have I purposed in my heart to be morally pure? Am I making myself accountable to my husband and to another godly woman for my walk with God and others?

“Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies”
(Proverbs 31:10).

©1998 Life Action Ministries. Used by permission.

17 Responses to “Becoming a Woman of Virtue”

  • Aldo says:

    Shalaura, to your statement that you are not sure that you can be a “virtuous woman” because you have been married 3x, I give a resounding “yes, you can.” John 4:18 says,”for you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband; in that you spoke truly.” Jesus here is speaking to a woman at the well in the city of Sychar in Samaria in John 4:5-45. By the time they finished talking, the woman believed on Him as being the Messiah- her Savior, and became one of His greatest witnesses. She went into the city and spread the word about Jesus, and the people of the city asked Jesus to stay with them for two days, which He did.

    Shalaura, my question to you is Are you just devoted to God with prayer and fasting, or do you have a relationship with God through knowing His Son as your personal Savior? There is a great difference.

    Here is a suggested prayer you can say. Remember, God knows your heart and is not as concerned with your words as He is with your intent.

    “Dear God, I admit I am a sinner and need Your forgiveness; I believe that Jesus Christ, Your Son, died in my place, paying the penalty for my sins. I am willing right now to turn from my sin and accept Him as my personal Savior and Lord. I commit myself to You, and ask You to send the Holy Spirit into my life, to fill me and take control, and to help me become the kind of person You want me to be. Thank You Father for loving me, forgiving my sins, and for giving me everlasting life, in Jesus name, Amen.”

    Shalaura, I pray that you have or will say that prayer to your good, and the good of all your family.

  • shalaura says:

    Yes. Hi. Donna. O I feel ya pain. I used to feel the same way. & I’m not as old as you. I still felt unwanted.. I have been married 3x’s. I’m not sure I can be a VIRTUOUS WOMAN# I try to be but to know if my time is up. Because I been married 3x’s. I AM DEVOTED to God as a single mother of 2 boys.. I just keep FASTING& PRAYING.. I encourage you Donna. TO DO THE SAME. SEEK GOD. BE just like Hannah. In the bible. & cry out to God for a husband for deliverance..

  • Chris says:

    ro ro….i would suggest you talking with the pastor of your husband about this situation because deacons are to fulfill certain requirements just as pastors are…1 timothy 3…and your husband is not….may jesus give you peace in your marriage!

  • Ro Ro says:

    I was searching how to be a virtuous wife of God,because I really want to BE desperately a virtuous woman. I was praying and reading Ephesians 5 and Proverbs 31:10-31. However, I need real advice about it.
    I am married to a US Marine Corps wars veteran with PTSD and bipolar disorders, and He doesn’t recognize his situation, and doesn’t take his medications. It’s very difficult even though he’s a Deacon and is doing his doctor degree in education. I truly love my husband and our 3 kids. I have not other choice than to shelter myself in God’s words to survive. I want peace at home. He’s a family guy and I know he loves me.
    Sometimes it’s very very hard, I pray that the Lord continue blessing us. I recognize that in some occasions I don’t respond as the virtuous woman that I should be, therefore I need real advice on how to solve according to God’s words. I pray in the name of JESUS CHRIST HOLY NAME AMEN and AMEN

  • Jill says:

    Your spouse doesn’t just need his physical needs met. He needs you to help stabilize him emotionally. Don’t do it as a chore. Do it because you need him as much as he needs you. God gave Eve to be with Adam because he was lonely. Be his Eve. Bless you for being able to confess and move toward doing the right thing. I’ll pray that he makes it through this.

  • Samantha says:

    PISD (post-infidelity stress disorder) is like PTSD. It can cause depression, anxiety, and other problems for the victim. You need to rebuild the trust that was lost. Show random acts of kindness, be there for him and show him that you want to care. God will bless you for doing what is right.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Jen, you have made a huge step towards healing by acknowledging what you have done. The great promise of God is, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1John 1:9) Another great promise from Jesus is, “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5) You said you don’t know what you can do to fix things; this promise from Jesus is that when you are following Jesus leading and guiding in your life, allowing Him to be the wisdom and strength to deal with everything in life, He will accomplish wonderful, life giving blessings in you. You don’t have to figure out how to fix things, all you have to do is focus on listening to Jesus and follow His leading and He will guide you into what is best. That’s why Chris directed you to give your heart to Jesus and shared the website Tell me, what has your experience with Jesus been like? Has He made a difference in your life?

    Let me also share a video of a couple sharing how Jesus made a difference in their broken marriage Jesus is in the business of bring healing and wholeness to that which is broken. He can be trusted to lead you to the best response to your mistakes from the past and transform people from the inside out.

    Let me pray for you: Dear Jesus, I pray for Jen right now as she is feeling the weight of her past choices. I do pray that You would help her to turn away from the destructive patterns of relating to her husband. I pray that You would lead her to love and honour her husband. I pray that You would work in her husband’s heart and prepare him for the confession from Jen and for the transformation that You are going to do in her. Let this marriage be healed and be a testimony to Your transforming power. Amen.

  • Chris says:

    jen….sorry you are struggling..we all have situations that we are needing Gods help with. i can assure you that if you will give your heart to jesus he will mold it and make it the heart it needs to be towards God and your husband. if that is something you are interested in then log onto or click talk to a mentor above!

  • Jen says:

    I feel so ashamed of the way I’ve been after reading this. It’s hard to face the reality that I’m guilty of what I’ve been doing to my husband. I think I’ve damaged him emotionally. He is a good guy but I’ve allowed myself to despise him and I don’t even know why anymore. I’m afraid of losing him and I think he knows what I’ve been doing with someone behind his back. I don’t know what I can do to fix things.

  • Sharon says:

    good article and good comments on this thread God bless you all

  • Kathy says:

    If you find yourself facing these issues and you’re having a hard time controlling yourself,find a friend you trust who will hold you accountable and avoid situations that make you vulnerable. I have a friend who confided in me that she put herself ina position that was affecting her marriage. She knew it was wrong but felt addicted. Confiding in me took away that burden and allowed her to be free and restore the damage she had done.

  • Lisa says:

    This is true. It’s sad that so many women get caught up in themselves and stop caring about the ones that they are supposed to be loving including themselves. God has a plan for us and I feel sorry for anyone who goes against his plan.

  • Rebecca says:

    This really makes me think about my life and things that I need to change in order to be stronger. It’s easy to get caught up in life and lose focus on what’s important.

  • Sharon says:

    good article thank you for this thought provoking I loved it

  • Sylvia says:

    @Donna – Who will love Donna? Donna will first learn to love Donna. Once you do, the husband (The RIGHT one) you seek, shall come forth.

  • Anne says:

    Hi Donna, my heart full of love went out to you as I read the anguish of your soul. That woman of great virtue is right there hidden beneath a pile of trash the devil has been piling upon you all of your life. He’s blinded your eye so that you cannot see her. You’ve been searching for her from outside of you but she’s not out there, she’s right there inside of YOU. The REAL Donna is that precious spirit that the Lord gave you when he formed you in your mother’s womb. Once you allow God to strip away all the trash, all the hurts and pains, all the insecurity, rejection, abondonment and yes all the anger and fear, you will find DONNA, that woman of great virtue because this is your inheritance! This is what God has purposed for your life! Your enemy is not man but a crafty old devil that has been around when God made woman out of man’s rib. The devil was jealous and fearful of woman from the beginning because it was the Seed of woman (JESUS) that was to crush his ugly little head on the Cross at Calvary!
    Seek God with ALL of your heart and with everything you’ve got and when you find him, you will find TRUE love because GOD IS LOVE! That’s right, when you come to know the Father’s heart for you (the answers are found in the Holy Bible) you will find the rest that you’re been seeking for in all the wrong places and with all the men that you’ve ever been with. God says in his Holy Bible “If you seek me with ALL of your heart, you will find me”. GOD LOVES DONNA, GOD LOVES DONNA, GOD LOVES DONNA!!!! That’s why He gave his one and only Son… because God SO LOVES DONNA!!! I am praying for you. Bless you sweet child of the Most High God. Anne

  • Donna says:

    A woman of great virtue has been my goal for 15 years now. But my husband was not virtuous and now I am divorced. A single mother with four children (3 have left home), I have a desire to be a virtous wife, but am a frustrated single mom for a decade. I am dating the fourth man since my divorce, and am unhappy. he isnt the husband you are talking about in your questions…I cant find him and have about given up. I feel like God has set me apart, but I am unworthy as I have this 43 year old body that needs attention, love, sex, and intimacy. i am thinking that a my time to flower fades, I will be alone all the rest of my days. And thats probably better than the men i seem to attract anyway. Now that my job as total provider(my husband became a drug addict and is in the gutter) is coming to a close I am scared to death of being alone and having no purpose. Letting go of my sons has been the hardest thing I ever did. But I have done it and now what…? I have so much love in my heart, but it is riddled wit mistrust and jealousy and abandonment issues.Who will love Donna?

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