Parents – Understanding them

Written by Pilgrim

understanding parents“Parents…Sometimes they’re great, other times they’re just plain annoying! So, how can we get along with our parents? What should we do when we don’t want to obey them?


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28 Responses to “Parents – Understanding them”

  • Elkay says:

    Gabriela, you are in a difficult place and I really wish I was able to change the way things are going for you. It sounds like you doing what every parent wishes but the truth is that no one can make other people change. The good news is that Jesus is a trustworthy friend, He is freely available to you and truly wants to be your Savior and Lord walking alongside you as you continue growing up. Possibly the best way for you to move on this, if you are interested, is to hit the “Talk to a Mentor” button at the top right of this page, briefly describe your situation and a trusted mentor will get back to you in confidence by email. May God please bring some blessings into your life in the right way at the right time.

  • Gabriela says:

    My parents fight alot but i dont worry about that every couple does that its just when i want to talk to them about how i feel there is always something that prevents them from listening i get good grades and stuff to keep them proud but i think they want me to be perfect or something i have alot of mental illness but the thing that im not good at is socializing with anyone i appreciate my parents but sometimes they dont know how to appreciate me and when we argue its for little dumb things sometimes i want them to have the power to read my mind to understand me better but that is not going to happen and i really want to be a happy family but when i go to my room and i could hear them having a good time i think they would be better off with out me but im to young to leave the house i just want to be happy

  • Chris Landwerlen says:

    mo…we understand from the Word of God, the bible, that God has designed a better way for us to live through a personal relationship with jesus christ. all of our problems stem from being distanced from the lord and his words, nothing more, nothing less. if we follow Gods instructions on how to trust him for things that we cannot change, love unconditionally as he does us, maintain respect for our parents even when we dont agree, we will find that our lives will go much smoother and less stressed. i encourage you today to seek that intimate relationship with christ especially when human relationships are not working out the way you would like. we cant live other peoples lives, only our own but you will find that walking with christ relieves those burdens in your parental relationships as you walk in your heavenly relationship with your heavenly father. if you dont know jesus personally and would like to, log on at knowingjesuspersonally.com. blessings!!

  • Mo says:

    I am an 18 year old girl who is currently having trouble communicating with her parents. I have always loved my parents and they to me, and it will always stay that way. We tend to have a good relationship with each other. However, in the rare occasions that we do fight, I find it frustrating that my parents never seem to want to listen to my side of the story. There are times when I know that I am acting quite rotten, and I am quick to apologize to them after some thought and calming down. Yet, they always seem to make me feel worse than I already feel. They tell me that I don’t appreciate the things they do. My mother cooks, cleans, and takes care of my siblings and I; my father works hard to give us the things that we need. Yes, of course I appreciate them for what they do! However, I can only do so little as a dependent student with no money but her parents’. I can’t give them what they ask for. I can’t give my mother the designer bags that she wants, or my father the watches that he’s always desired. I can only give them the love that I have. But sometimes, it’s easy to get frustrated with them and set aside that love to fill with irritation and/or anger, and I tend to show that in a bad way. And right when I do such thing, they snap and refuse to listen and understand to what I was feeling in that moment. I step outside for some time to think, it suddenly seems like I’m running away and betraying them. My mother has told me that if I do it again, she would not care for me anymore. Communicating with my parents has always been hard. I’ve been shut down again and again no matter how many times I try to sit down and talk to them. They actually call me weak-minded and make me feel worse than I have already made myself feel (which is way worse. I sometimes deprive myself of sleep/water/food because I am so depressed over being an ungrateful brat). If I explain how I feel, they see it as talking back and becoming more disrespectful.

    I have read the advice given on this website. Often times, you say to sit down with your parents and talk. LISTEN to your parents and what they have to say. But what about the other way around? How do you get your parents to LISTEN TO YOU? There’s a mature way of going about it. But what if your parents have no desire to listen or to understand how you feel? What do you do then? Wait? Ignore it until you fight again and try again? Until they see me as an adult? Am I every going to be an adult to them? I have pondered over this for years. I now seek advice. Please help me.

  • Alfred says:

    Hi Anna, I have a parallel situation: A friend, 4 years older than me (and I’m 77 now) is always changing his mind. Also, in spite of bending over backwards to help him, he complains to another friend of ours about all the mistakes that I and my wife make. I think this friend is insecure, looking for answers, for encouragement and for support. Now I’m wondering whether this might also be the case with your mom. Might there be a worry or anxiety that is bothering her? Maybe she’s too busy, not taking time to relax, or time to thank God for the beautiful day….. It could be that she needs prayer support; for you to ask God to bless her, and to have the Spirit show you how to honor her as a parent. Do you relax and / or play a game together? Besides friendship, we all need quiet time. Hoping this helps a little, Alfred.

  • Anna says:

    Hi, I’m 18, studying Event Management, unemployed and i have a very confused life. My life being my mum. My mum keeps making me feel like im always in the wrong. She will give me advise, ill follow it and for some reason it’s wrong. My mum is one of the most amazing woman in the world and not because she is my mum but because she’s my best friend. I tell her everything about what is going on with me in my life. But sometimes I believe she really doesn’t care what I think but whats more important for her and her opinion matters the most, especially when we fight. I know you should to respect your elders but it is coming to the point that the older I get, the less respect I have for her. She keeps on telling me I have to act like a grown woman but how can I be a grown woman when she treats me like a 6 year old and get offended/upset when I speak my mind and think about how she is treating a situation? Especially when it comes to how shes’s acting towards me. She tends to always change her mind. When I offer my help she tells me she can handle it and then the next moment she tells me I’m not responsible because I don’t help her with things. This woman is starting to make me depressed, aggressive and badly-tempered towards my social life due to her aggression and change of opinion every-single-minute and the lack of respect for me. I don’t know what to do. And some point I want to just put myself in a corner and never look around again.

  • Andrew says:

    @Andrea I would not advise you to lie about going over to a friends place when you want to go to a concert. We often forget that parents love us and want the best for us even if we don’t understand them. It does not matter how old we get parents will always want to best for us. In the Bible honoring your parents is one of the only promises which promises us a long fruitful life if we honor our parents. Parents are not perfect but they do have the benefit of walking the path you are walking down.

    When you are grown and have your own children often they will follow what you did with our parents. The most important aspect is to pray and ask Christ to show you you what you should do. Parents do make mistakes however when we ask Christ he will give us guidance through the Holy Spirit. God Bless

  • Andrea says:

    Please help!! So i like hard rock and stuff like that but my parents don’t like it they told me i couldnt listen to my music or else they’d take my phone away i really want to go to a concert and i want to wear make up like the band black veil brides but they wont even let me listen to them much less go to a concert….do you think i should just say im sleeping over my friends put on the make up there and go to the concert?? The thing is i hate lying to my parents so please help me make them understand!!

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Hilda, living up to your parent’s expectations can be a huge burden. As I said to Dolly, communication is the best tool for relationship mending. You have to guard yourself from making that communication accusatory or defensive but rather that you are genuinely interested in knowing them and discovering why they are treating you the way they are. If you don’t agree with them you don’t have to be silent. You can share your concerns in a calm rational way that still honours them as your parents but also shows that you are maturing and have valid thoughts and feelings as well.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Dolly, it is hard for some parents to make the transition of their children into adulthood. It can make that relationship difficult because you feel like your parents don’t take you seriously. As with all relationship problems, the best solution is honest, loving communication. That is going to take quite a bit of effort and risk on your part. If you are going to have a healthy relationship with your parents you are going to have to show them that you are able to relate to them as an adult not just as their little girl. One way that you can do that is by becoming a student of your parents. Initiate conversations that investigate who they are and how they feel in different circumstances in life. In those conversations you will have the opportunity to share your thoughts and feelings which will give your parents an insight into your maturity. Make sure that your investigation isn’t accusatory or confrontational but just opens the door for them to share their heart. So ask your parent’s about their hopes and dreams when they were your age. Ask them how the world they lived in supported and hindered those dreams. Ask them about their strategies around dealing with conflict in marriage and how they keep disagreements from building walls up in their marriage.

    As you do that not only will you be showing your parents that you wrestle with big questions in life but you will also be getting insight into who they are and why they live the way they do. Who knows, you may even find out your parents are pretty cool people!

  • Hilda says:

    I feel as if my parents rub their own expectations on me and on me only. I don’t know what I should do. My parents forbid me from studying art and I turned to my second interest. Now they are saying “Heh, you becoming a scientist? What a joke.” I feel like I’m treated differently from my brother. Just because he is younger and ‘going through puberty’ does not give them the right to treat me like this! Just because I’m not saying anything does not mean I agree with everything they say and that I’m not hurt! What am I to do?

  • Dolly says:

    Goodmorning every1:
    Well ,to begin with I dont really know how to express myself.Okay,Im 21yr old F and im a student.I have my exams coming up and under stress I often give way to anger.I’m usually a quiet girl at home and very outgoing jovial person amongst friends and outsider.I recently broke up with a guy ,though we loved each other,but since we knew my parents(who are very traditional) would not accept ,we decided to be just friends.I’ve never spoken about this to my parents nor will I ever.They show no interest to whatever trouble I go through except if it is studies related.My parents are nice,but the fact that since childhood I’ve been bearing with their conjugal fights gets me often depressed.There are some rules and regulations which I try my best to follow,but sometimes they get me sick!
    If any1 could kindly help,i’d really be grateful =)

  • Bridgette says:

    Dear Fatima,

    It is irritating when parents can be overprotective and harsh. I am sorry that you feel that they don’t care for your concerns or how you feel. I can see that you might feel sad and lonely at times. I can also see how difficult it is for you when you are compared to other people. It’s really good that you still love your parents though Fatima. Even when they make mistakes and you feel misunderstood the best thing to do is love them. So good job. Your parents may not be able to see the “true side” of those other people they compare you to. It’s like having a different set of glasses. So that said, comparing you to others is still not good because it can make you doubt yourself. Do you think you could tell your parents how you feel when they compare you? Maybe you feel angry or sad when they compare you to others?

    You are special Fatima.
    You are beautiful Fatima.
    You are loved Fatima.

    God cares for you and loves you just the way you are. Do you want to learn more about this?

  • Fatima says:

    i love my parents but sometimes my nerve gets as small as a ant they r harsh and overprotective and they dont care for my concerns its only them my sister them and them and them selfs people make mistakes they are alway comparing me and my sisters to other people but what they dont no is that those people are worst then me ALOT.

  • Sharon says:

    thanks for posting this article

  • Yay me says:

    I totally understand what you guys are saying. My parents are super-harsh. They wake me up 4 in morning to study and they always want me to be first in everything i do and if I don’t I get punished real hard. My mum, she always mimicks my in a really annoying way if i say/do something wrong and my dad always gets angry if I don’t do anything right.
    Then they won’t even let me see my friends outside of school including talking over the phone or emailing and even though my friends are like the best students/role models in my school.
    Then they always say i need to lose weight even though I’m skinny enough and they always say like “You’re getting fat” or “Did that top just smaller on you”. Now it’s become a point where I want to stay at school 24/7 because my parents are really annoying. BTW i’m 13 and I haven’t done anything wrong to them except for being born. Help

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Helena, it is a good lesson to learn how to communicate well with your parents. It is not an easy thing to do because, as you suggest, they may still see you as a child and not treat you as the growing adult you are. Yet it can be the most rewarding relationship when you make the shift from parent-child to parent-adult child.

    Being properly prepared with what you want to say (having some thought provoking questions can help them begin to see you in a different light), picking your time and place to insure their undivided attention (ever thought of taking them out to dinner or setting up a picnic meal that you prepare?. As with all communication, you need to make sure that you are being honest. Holding back information and trying to protect people by fudging on the truth does not help in a long-term relationship.

    Don’t give up. It may take your parents a while to make the shift but if you respond to them in a mature way, they are going to be forced to see you in that light.

    I am also a believer in the way that Jesus Christ can transform relationships. Praying and asking for His help to change your attitude as well as your parents is step in the right direction. You can find out more about knowing God and how He can impact your relationships at http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose/

  • Helena says:

    I try so hard but I feel like giving up soon. My parents are recently busy and thus this left them extremely bitter and frustrated. Studying in America was something I really wanted. A mere wish, that’s all. Mentioning a tiny bit about it would cause me to be yelled at. Saying I am selfish and I never understood how hard my dad worked.
    As the oldest in the family, I had to put up with the most amount of crap. –Ever increasing aims set by parents.
    -Ever increasing mood swings.
    -Controlling my mood swings so that I don’t end up cracking.
    -Keeping a straight face while my dad spits harsh words at me.
    I understand the pressures an adult has. Bills,Kids,Bills,kids,money,kids.
    I may not understand fully because I am not a parent but I KNOW.
    Staying in a dorm, I encounter problems in school that I will never mention to my parents. Why? I care for them so much that I don’t want them to worry about such trival things!
    They never fully understood me. My dad never saw through my childhood. He never asked what happened when I was young. It hurts and I believe the truth will hurt them as well if they find this up here.

    Parents, as your children we love you and we will die for you! But if you guys don’t understand us(or at least try to), we don’t know how to as well.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Dougie, Is there a reason why she is extra cautious? Have there been times before when she couldn’t trust you? Or was someone you know hurt? Sometimes parents get scared if they see something bad happen to someone else’s kid and their desire to protect becomes a little suffocating. Talk to your Mom. Tell her that you feel like you’re not allowed to go anywhere and have a discussion about what kinds of activities are suitable. She might be concerned about where you are going, or how you’re going to get there or who will be there. If you talk to her you can find out what she is basing her decision on and work out a way that keeps you safe and gives you a little more freedom. Remember as you are talking to her that she probably has a really good reason for her decision. Make sure you LISTEN and then together you can work out a way to make you both happy.

  • dougie says:

    i love my mom but im 18 and she wont let me do anything i mean i dont do anything rong i dont drink or do drugs nothing like what she us to do wen she was my age its gotin so bad i cant even stay at a friends house i mean wtf i dont ask for much i just ask not to be stuck at home all the time with nothin to do

  • Jeremy says:

    I wish I could run away I get in trouble for everything and my parents are overprotective so there are alot o rules I break and I can’t even see my family anymore my
    Uncle my cousins because of a fight between family you should love your family through anything but on top If this [phrase redacted by Editor: see Terms of Service] I lost one of my best friends fir calling her a [phrase redacted by Editor: see Terms of Service]

  • Rachel says:

    Uggghhh I love my dad with all my heart but because of my step mom he has a ton of stress. He decides to yell at me for it. When I’m in my room txting my friend and he’ll cone in and say ” u never do anything around the house all u do is sit down and txt” then he starts making me do choirs at ten thirty at night when I go to bed. He is the reason I don’t get enough sleep at night.

  • Morgan says:

    not getting enought freedom sucks because you dissapoint the person that wants to hang..parents are two confusing and sometimes they act like they were never teens

  • Steph says:

    I am having problems with my parents and there alcohol problem… my mom found vodka in my dad truck and now they are fighting horribly!

  • stephanie says:

    omg. I DONT GET ALONG WITH MY PARENTS AT ALL. ALL WE DO IS ARGUE AND BELIEVE ME, I WANT TO LEAVE BUT MY MOM SAID THAT IF EVER LEAVE THEN SHE WILL CALL THE COPS AND THEY WILL COME AND GET ME. I WOULD BUT I DON WANT THE PEOPLE THAT WILL HELP ME TO GET INTO TROUBLE BECAUSE I AM NOT WORTH IT

  • Nicole says:

    Parents are annoying at points. They love us though and when they get on our nerves that is when they love us the most. Trust me i have my mom and stepdad and my dad so i have pleanty of parents to get on my nerves. if u dont obey ur parents ur just going to get ur parents more angry at yourself. Please dont run away it just causes more trouble. if u want listen to this song. RunAway Love by Ludicrus. it tells u what kids have promblems and what they are but they arent the only ones with promblems out there in the world.

  • Allie says:

    Hell yes! i cant stand them. they say all these things and like the next day they change their mind and so confusing. i love them to death but when i get older i want to run away but i cant imagine their faces if that happened, loosing one of theie kids. D:

  • Mikey says:

    Parents are extremely hard to understand. especially my parents. sometimes i want to run away and never come back. trust me. it sucks ass.

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