Sexless Marriage: What To Do? Video provided by: Seriously Funny Entertainment

When one partner in a marriage feels unloved, it can be devastating. When a marriage is sexless because one partner simply does not want sex, it can lead to deep hurt for the other partner. They can feel unattractive, unwanted, and ultimately unloved. “Does they still love me?” they might wonder. Are you in a sexless marriage? Where can people go to look for help for a problem that can be socially taboo?

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91 Responses to “Sexless Marriage: What To Do?”

  • Elkay says:

    Samantha, I think every “well-married” person will quickly sympathize with you and wish for words to improve your difficult situation. Somehow when you got married, your husband did not understand that he was making a covenant promise to place your needs and desires above his. Paul advises us at 1 Cor 7:3-5 that husbands are to render to his wife the affection due her and cautions against depriving one another of sexual activity because it can lead to temptations. That is good common sense and very easy to understand.

    Many words that you used (livid, resentment, bitterness, deceived and cheated) are red flags that signal serious problems that can destroy a marriage unless the problems are candidly addressed, without placing blame, and solutions reached. You need to get his honest attention onto this problem, help him understand how serious it is and work out a team-approach to resolve it. We have confidential mentors who are freely available to come alongside you by email and try to help — just hit the “Talk to a Mentor” button at the top of this page and someone will contact you.

    I pray, “Heavenly Father, we acknowledge that our marriages are a gift from You and thank You that You have invited us to Your throne of grace to find mercy in our troubles. Samantha’s marriage has many troubles, so we ask that You would lead, guide, and protect every aspect of her marriage, In reality, it is only with You at the center that she and her husband can restore their marriage with its original joy. Please help them both remember that marriage is a covenant to be committed to one another no matter what, and out of that covenant, may unselfish love flow between them. May this love generate genuine affection and overcome all hurtful issues in their relationship. We ask for this in the powerful name of Jesus. Amen.”

  • Samantha says:

    I am so so angry. Now, it seems all the time. We have been married all of 8 months and we barely have sex. I keep asking, pleading, cajoling…all to no avail. At first, I wasn’t angry, just deeply hurt, but now, I am livid. He acts like it isnt a problem. He doesnt eat well (prefers junks), doesnt drink water, doesnt eat vegetables and never exercises. We have spoken about his bad eating habits as he always uses that as his excuse. However, he isnt doing anything about it. His lifestyle pattern are exactly the same. Now, when I see him eating junk food, I am irritated to my core and I know it is leading to resentment and bitterness. We are both 40 and we want children; well at least I am sure I do but how are we going to have children when he cant get it up? He doesnt want me to talk to anyone about it. I cant even discuss this with my mother! He wont see a counselor and only last week, he finally saw a doctor when I wouldnt stop crying. Doctor gave him a list of things to do and things to eat and not eat but he still eats them and ignores the doctor’s instructions. That doesnt seem like someone who wants to make a conscious effort to change. I know I need to support him but he isnt a child! He should take responsibility and try to figure out what the problem is. My heart is so heavy and worse case is, I dont have anyone to discuss this with. He says I will shame him if I do. That is more important to him than getting help. I feel deceived and cheated.

  • Elkay says:

    Ann, I am very sorry that your marriage is making you feel the way you do because the way you described it, your husband is not honoring the commitment he made when you two were married. Given that he is the “Christian, stable, honest, generally good person” you described, something is going on in his life that is behind his lack of sexual interest. I say that because sexual intimacy is one of the bonds that build strong marriages and is why Paul teaches us “Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer.” (1 Cor 7:5)

    You mentioned counseling and books and talks so you must have gone down those roads already. “Feeling inadequate” may be the issue, so you may want to kindly talk to him, without any sense of criticism, about the two of you discussing this problem with a doctor. This will require a great deal of respect and sensitivity on your part, but in the long run, might be very helpful for your marriage.

    The reason I am stressing such sensitivity is that for the vast majority of husbands, a very high priority in their marriage is feeling a strong sense of respect from their wives about all aspects of life. How he feels about himself may very well be behind his lack of interest but this is something that can be dealt with working on it together. This might be a long term issue so you might consider hitting the “Talk to a Mentor” button on this page and someone will come alongside you by confidential email and support you along the way.

  • Ann says:

    I am at lost. I am nearly a sexless marriage. There are rare times we have sex. Our sex life has never been good from the start. Not a great kisser really. Why I married him. He was Christian, stable, honest, generally good person and I wanted someone I could trust most of all. He wasn’t totally honest honest I discovered, but still I would say he is a good person. I never imagined in my life that a man would not desire sex or be feel inadequate or whatever about sex. Never!!!!!! It hurts me to my core and it feels like the worst rejection ever!! I had grown resentful and anger in the middle of years of hurt and rejection. We can do things together and get along, but at moments my resentment and hurt pour out of me. I feel a flood of emotions and I just want to leave or get far away. Why? Why did I marry someone who hurt me so deeply and reject me? Why? Counseling, books , talks and empty promises for years.

  • Sharon says:

    to martin I am sorry you moved of the bedroom and she is acting like a nun. have you considered marriage counseling for both or just for you from a counselor or a pastor from your church. I am praying that there will be a spark again in your marriage or just communication between you two. do you both know God if not here is a prayer I repent of my sins come into my life LORD JESUS and fill me with your HOLY SPIRIT I receive you now. if you have good I am praying for you both— sharon

  • Martin says:

    Married just short of50 years and I lost any interest in her 45 years ago. She was hopeless she acted like a nun. I couldn’t put up with it so I stopped all sex and moved out of the bedroom. I don’t know what she’s been doing all these years, I will guess she just sat in her granny clothes and knitted.

  • Elkay says:

    John, I would think that connecting household help with sexual desire and activity might be a distraction form another, larger issue. Gary & Barbara Rosberg are well-know marriage counselors and from the research they have done, a woman’s top 5 Love Needs are Unconditional Love, Intimacy-Talking, Spiritual Intimacy, Encouragement and Friendship, in this order. Quote, “A woman is honored by her husband when he listens to her and connects with her feelings; she then begins to experience emotional intimacy.”

    In contrast, a man’s top 5 Love Needs are Unconditional Love, Intimacy-Sex, Companionship, Encouragement and Spiritual Connection, in this order. And a husband is honored by his wife when she respects him, connects to his thoughts, feelings and needs.

    If you compare these, the differences are large and this is why every couple must have an unconditional commitment to meeting the needs of one another, including sexual needs.

    The Apostle Paul knew this well for he warns married couples, “Because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer.” (1 Cor 7:2f)

    When both wife and husband understand each other’s needs and their own responsibility, their marriage will be greatly blessed.

  • John says:

    Thank you. I can see them again. I hope a mod can delete the post I made asking about them as that post is not applicable now.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi John, there does not seem to be any comments of yours that have been flagged for moderation or been placed in the ‘trash’. Please feel free to post it again.

  • John says:

    It appears my recent comments/questions have been deleted? I hope it was accidental. I can’t imagine that I said anything inappropriate. Direct maybe, but not inappropriate. In fact, it’s been therapeutic to open up a little bit in what I thought was a safe environment. If this was intentional then I’m incredibly disappointed in this ministry. If it was accidental, would you please restore them so others might have insight into the experience I’m dealing with?

  • John says:

    One last thought (sorry),
    On the topic of the husbands not helping out around the house. It’s easy to say that he stopped helping so the wife reacted by losing the desire for intimacy. I wonder how many times the reverse is true? The wife stopped bothering with intimacy, which slowly ate away at the husband, literally killing him inside, to the point where he’s given up and is too depressed on the inside to bother helping because he knows it’s not going to change anything? I haven’t heard that question, either.

  • John says:

    To add to my last statement, instead of always hearing how it’s on the husbands job to truly love them completely unselfishly (which it is, I agree), how about some balance? The wives also have a responsibly to love their husbands completely and unselfishly. Husbands matter too. I can’t count one time where I’ve heard wives challenged with that responsibility in regards to their sexual responsibilities.

  • John says:

    John,
    The question about husbands who don’t help out at home is another one I’ve heard over and over again. What about those who do, and the wife is still unresponsive? In my case, I’ve held down a decent job for over 10 years, I come home on time every night, do not “stay late” to do naughty things in the office, etc. I’m loving and involved with our kids whom I adore. I do the dishes, laundry, most of the cleaning, take out the trash, etc. She plans the groceries, I do the shopping. She does a lot too and I don’t want to minimize her efforts, but in my case, I’m the opposite of the “do nothing husband”. In short, I’ve done everything I know how, including backing off asking for some physical attention in return and completely burying my needs. The result? Well, I wouldn’t be here if the result was positive. I don’t need full-on sex all the time, but to ask to see her intimate parts once in a while without being yelled at sure would go a long way to helping. To be shown desire, to be treated in such a way that I feel that my God-given needs are important too. At what point to we stop blaming the husband and start realizing that maybe, just maybe, the wives have to get with the program and do their part?

  • Tom Tom says:

    While I’m sure there are many wives who would give other reasons for not wanting physical intimacy with their husbands, I can’t help but wonder what percentage of “sexless” wives would respond if their husbands were to truly love them completely unselfishly. Does the husband regularly commit to showing selfless love to their wife. Do they help with household chores, take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., without ANY thought other than to please their wife and to show them love. Quiet times together just talking, without expecting rewards at bedtime, are also something significantly important to the intimacy between husband and wife. I know from personal experience that doesn’t come easy–or natural–for a man, but that it makes a huge difference in the marriage relationship.

    Gary Chapman, among others, teaches that intimacy in the bedroom starts in the kitchen–with the husband helping with the cooking, dishes, etc. Wives need to be shown they are loved outside of the bedroom before they can/will respond inside the bedroom. Gary’s book “The Five Love Languages” has been a best seller for more than a decade because it describes what couples need and/or expect from each other as regards love. I have to wonder how many of “cold” wives would respond, given time, if the husband would REALLY love their wives like Christ loves the church.

    I do agree that there is not enough teaching within the female Christian community concerning a wife’s physical responsibility toward her husband. When I asked my wife about this, she agreed that it’s a big void in biblical teaching. But be that as it may, the Christian husband’s responsibility is to love without expecting anything in return. With that mindset, one can be blessed by ultimately being sexually intimate, or having the wife open up as regards her desires or lack-thereof, or the husband growing “intimate” with their wife without the physical aspect.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi AL, I am sorry that you have been put in this terrible position to feel like that is your only option. That is definitely not the way that God intended a marriage to function because our sexual intimacy does draw us closer together. I can see how you would feel powerless when all attempts to communicate your frustration does nothing to sway your wife’s decision to respond with more affection.

    So in your conversations with your wife, what have you discovered are the reasons that sexual intimacy is not an option for her? Have the two of you consulted with a marriage counselor to discuss this issue? I recognize this may not be a venue that you feel comfortable sharing such personal details. If you would prefer to connect with a mentor for a more private conversation you can go to https://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and fill out a Mentor Request Form and one of our mentors will be in touch with you soon by email. There is no charge and I am sure you will find it a safe setting to talk through these things.

  • AL says:

    Seriously….this Aldo is super annoying…. pray! Nice advice, no kidding we all pray. People here are looking for real advice, not just…”pray”!.
    God gave us brains & common sense, God created us to help eachother, ex: doctors help sick pt, not just tell u to pray about their appendix. I’m going through the same problem, seriously I’m tired of telling my wife how much this effects me & what a problem this is. I think she thinks it’s not a big deal. While I know this is destroying our marriage. I’m to the point of going to massage therapists & paying extra for little extra. I would never in my life consider doing this, but years of sexless marriage drives u to this. Yes I know it’s a sin, but sister else are my options… when all options have been exhausted

  • John says:

    Thanks, Aldo.
    As I mentioned, we’ve tried counseling, but when an individual doesn’t see this as a problem there is no motivation to change. I’ve spoken with our pastor, prayed with him about it, same with members of my men’s group. I’ve also prayed about it myself, almost daily, practically pleading with the Lord to either heal her or take away my libido. If you do the math, almost daily prayer for 12 years, minus some days here and there, and I figure I’ve prayed about this approximately 4,300 times, give or take. I think you can say it’s been bathed in prayer. Prayed for any sins that might be blocking my prayers to be dealt with too, and even though I feel convicted, I can only handle so much frustration until it crowds out all the feel-goodness I might have otherwise experienced from my prayers. At this point, I don’t know how much more prayer I can give it, but I keep praying because I don’t know what else to do.

    I guess I just need to vent and be heard, and understand that I’m not alone. My prayer now is that the church as a whole begin to understand that this is a big problem in the church and to address it head on. We don’t need more woman’s meetings full of pastel colors, while doilies, and feel-good motivational speeches. I’ve come to learn how common this problem is and how so many men in the church are suffering horribly. I call on woman’s leaders to start addressing this problem instead of treating like a taboo subject that doesn’t exist.

  • Aldo says:

    John, yours is a very prominent and intricate situation because there can be numerous reasons for your wife behaving in such a way. What you need to do is try to figure out what those reasons are. A good Christian counselor such as a Pastor, or analyst can help. The situation needs to be bathe in prayer.

    About half way down this page I responded to Paul. I refer it to you as well.

    May God bless your marriage relationship as both you and your wife place Him in the middle of it and draw close to Him, ultimately drawing closer to each other.

  • John says:

    Sexless marriage for all of our marriage. 2 or 3 times a year is a “good” year. My wife is wonderful otherwise, and we have 3 great kids. She had some hormonal problems before we were married, but I had faith that God would fix things after we were married. that did not happen. She is my only love and the only one I want. Biblically she is who God gave me, and all I can have, yet I can’t even look at her longingly without her getting mad and upset. Counseling hasn’t helped. Talking it through results in her being angry at me. I’ve cried out to God for our entire marriage of 12 years and it hasn’t helped. Prayed endlessly for either her to be healed or my sex drive to be removed. Neither have happened. I’m stuck and don’t know what to do. She sees no problem with our sexless marriage. It’s not a problem for her. I love her dearly and desire her purely. I just want to be desired back. Isn’t that the way God designed it? The stress of rejection and pent-up tension is overwhelming. There has been little to no non-sexual closeness either. I physically hurt most of the time from the rejection.

  • Nanana says:

    Me and my husband has been married almost 1.5y. He’s 8 years older than me. I’m 33. On our relationship, I thought we’re in the right and holy path because we keep talking about bible and Jesus and His Grace. Our max intimate was holding hand to each other and kiss (like u and ur baby kisses each other, just very quick. No french kiss no more than just ‘baby kiss’).

    On years back then, He got a physical affair before we knew each other but stopped after a year to married lady. And after we got married, there was no such a 1st night for us. He didn’t know how to start it. Even myself experienced with sexual with my ex bf beforr, here I wanted to have a memorable sex with my husband that I married with. But sadly it won’t happen.

    Couple first month we seek church counselor, I was the one who depressed with our sex life and seems he didn’t really know what to do. All he knew just pray to God. 1x he got prescription from doctor. Result is good on there but not his mind. His mind he said like everywhere. He told me once in the early month that he loves me but the way he loves me is pure and couldn’t be the sex one. (I saw his loves more like father to daughter to me) and she’s into plumpy girl that turned his on. He’s on porn issue too tho he said no more after marriage.

    Our max affection still the same. Holding hand, and “baby kiss”. Not more than that even I talked to him many times about this, to learn from some source maybe to get to know more how to flirt on your wife. I ever inisiated for doing it couple times, but he was uncomfortable and weird to it.

    Now, I lost my feeling for this and seems I can’t stand with this marriage. My husband always said that Jesus will have a good plan that wont harm us, and it’s to prosper us.

    I can’t hide this feeling from my family anymore but still I hide this problem from my family, cos I don’t want they feel dissapoint with me and my husband. I shared with my very bestfriend of me.

    I feel that we’re just a room mate, not more than that. And more over, I feel like I’m marrying an old man who needs life accompanying who chase his dream on music and not more than that. I don’t mind with his obsession but I don’t feel loved cos I couldn’t get normal sex life and my husband seems tougher than me like he used to it.

    Help :(

  • Elkay says:

    Georgiawife, you are in a very challenging place in your marriage and so this is a time to remember what the lady in the video on this page said: that a minimal sex marriage most often is related not to sexual interest but to one’s emotional state. I am no expert but it may be that your husband is depressed because of the aftermaths of his back injury. And so the issues in your sex life have nothing to do with you, your looks or worthiness but are more of an opportunity to sacrificially honor the God-created institution of marriage.

    I absolutely know that is going to sound “high-faluting” (a good Georgia term) but when God allows lemons in our lives, sometimes all we can do is to pray and make lemonade. We have to remember that when God allows trials into our lives, “He is faithful and will not allow the temptation to be more than we can stand and will show us a way out so that we can endure” (1 Cor 10:13).

    Quoting Joseph Stowell, “When trials put us on public display, it is our privilege through biblical responses to turn the tables on Satan’s attempts to deface God’s glory and through our troubles to demonstrate clearly His worthiness to be worshipped, regardless; to give Him our willing allegiance, regardless; and to demonstrate the reality of His presence, power and peace in the midst of pain.”

    Yes, the pain in your life sounds through loud and clear; I am very sorry about that and I would like nothing more than to have the “perfect solution” but I don’t. Please do not give up hope because God does have the answers to your problems and that starts with your continued prayers. Prayer is most effective when it is very specific and so I would like to suggest that you “go private” with your struggle and begin a confidential dialog with one of our trained Mentors. To do this, just hit the “Talk to a Mentor” button near the top right of this page, describe your situation with a few details and someone will contact you by email and come alongside you in support. There is no charge for this as it is our ministry to you.

    “Heavenly Father, Georgiawife needs help for her and her husband to overcome problems in their sexual relationship. We come to Your throne of grace to find help in their time of trouble and ask that You give them Your grace to endure their challenges as they experience whatever solution You provide. May they come to rely completely on the power of the Holy Spirit to live out Your perfect will and do this in a manner that glorifies You and makes it clear that it is You, the God of miracles, the God of infinite love and power, who has blessed them with Your active and healing presence. Thank You for hearing this prayer that we bring to You in the powerful name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. Amen.”

  • Georgiawife says:

    5 years ago my husband injured his back and had to have surgery. Since then our sex life has been pretty much non-existent. I have tried so hard to be understanding and have patience. I know this is hard for my husband to not be able to perform sexually. I can only imagine how he feels. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for God to repair our marriage bed and allow us to find intimacy in other ways in the meantime. I’ve slept naked, I’ve complimented him and doted over him, I’ve allowed him to sleep in while I handle the kids, I’ve prayed, I’ve cried, consulted physicians who give us prescriptions my husband refuses to fill. He seems to have given up and in the meantime, it’s causing me to feel hopeless. I have always been an affectionate and sex has always been important to me… Now I feel ugly, unattractive, and not worthy. I continue to pray but my heart is becoming more and more discouraged. Don’t really know what else I can do.

  • Sharon says:

    to Hopeful my sympathy to you for a sexless marriage. I think before you become resentful I would if you can have you considered counseling for you. being in a sexless marriage is no fun I am sure let me pray for you. father God I pray for hopeful right now I pray help this person comfort this person this person is in sexless marriage I pray open the eyes of this husband. he has rejected you and wants to do his own thing marriage too. give this person strength to go on and to keep praying help this person not to cave in to the world and help this person not to get resentful. I pray all of this in JESUS name amen I am sorry you are in a sexless marriage. I am praying for you. I know this can’t be easy for you I would say leave but too many people leave marriages to quickly I pray for you that maybe you can go for counseling for you– sharon

  • Hopeful says:

    I just turned 40 and I am living in a sexless marriage with very little affection, not by my choice. My husband does not believe it is a physical/medical issue and does not want any outside help. It has been a few years now. He is no longer interested in christianity so will not pray about it either. He does not view it as a problem and often talks about my sex drive being too high(desiring more than once a month or two). He does express an interest in non reciprocal sex acts that would pleasure himself only and at any time. Pornography is not an issue. All I hear are messages of long-suffering for christian women in my situation, rising above fleshly desires, while conversely hearing advice to for wives not to refuse their husbands or to please them in other ways when they are unable to be intimate. It is really hard not to take his rejection personally or to become resentful! I would have remained single if I did not desire intimacy. Better to marry than burn but I’m still burning… Is there anything left I can do other than to continue praying?

  • Aldo says:

    Vicky, I sympathize with you. Yours is never an easy situation to resolve apart from a miracle.

    All too often young people (and older ones also) make the mistake of not seeking God’s choice for their partner, and ultimately suffer the consequences.

    God wants to be involved in every aspect of our lives, including choosing a spouse.

    Give yourself completely over to Him and see if He is not “… able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” (Ephesians 3:20-21)

  • Vicky says:

    I’ve been in a sexless marriage for 15 years. My husband is ten years older then me and I have tried everything. He hides at work.

  • Aldo says:

    Paul, I can’t hardly believe what you have said. I can’t imagine something like that happening for that length of time. All I can suggest to you at this point is that you try to rekindle your courtship of your wife as it was 50 years ago. It worked back then, and, with prayer, may work again.

    Yes, prayer does work, but it is up to you to inquire of your heavenly Father. I believe it was Billy Graham who said that God has multitudes of answers to prayer that He is waiting to be asked. Let’s pray:

    Father God, You know what Paul is going through, and what it is that he and his wife need to get their marriage back to the place where they made vows to each other, and before You. Lord, touch both of their hearts with Your Holy Spirit, and bring about a renewal of those marriage vows. Help them to realize that You love them with an unconditional love, shown in You sending Your Son, Jesus Christ, to suffer and die for their sins, that they may have peace with God and with one another, in Jesus Name I pray. Amen.

  • Paul says:

    Married 50 years and been sexless for about 40 years! It was boring and not worth the effort. Purposely worked odd shifts and hours all the holidays and weekends. Didn’t bother with vacations! Thats my story not much of anything, my wife not positive what she did that was none of my business.

  • Elkay says:

    Steve, I am very, very sorry to hear of your situation as it is so painful for the wife you love to make you feel abandoned. Nothing I can say will bring her faithfully back to you but may I suggest a couple of things. First, anger, accusations and all the things that go with feeling betrayed will not change her behavior.

    Second, one of a woman’s highest needs is for non-sexual affection and so maybe you could throw yourself quietly, slowly and gently into a process of “dating your wife”. Let her see and feel your love in the ways you first knew one another. Over time, prayerfully, she will see that true love and security can only be found with you and she will realize the error of her ways. Please also dismiss any thought of divorce from your mind as that destroys the concept of marriage that God originally designed.

    This may be a long process without any early, obvious progress so you may want to hit the “Talk to a Mentor” button on this page and someone will reply by email and come alongside you in confidence as a supporting fellow man. Let me pray,

    “Dear Heavenly Father, nothing is impossible for You and so we come to Your throne of grace to find mercy and help in times of trouble. You created marriage as a sacred institution for the welfare and happiness of mankind in which man and woman become one, reflect Your image and worship You. Steve and his wife need Your presence in their marriage to remake their marriage with its original love and joy.

    Please help Steve’s wife remember that marriage is a decision to be committed to one another no matter what, and from that commitment, unselfish love can flow between them as they receive Your love. Help her recall and wish for the love and pleasure they shared in the past. We ask this for them in the powerful name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, our Redeemer and Lord. Amen.”

  • Steve B says:

    I have been married for 23 years and we have been together for 25. My wife has always had a low sex drive compared to me, but within the last 5 years she says she has no sexual drive at all. She tells me it’s because she is depressed, but she won’t go see anyone about the depression. She has told me that she is afraid to take the physc meds because of the side effects can be worse then dealing with depression.

    Now fast forward to where we are today, she has been having what she calls an “emotional affair” for the last 14 months, with a younger guy. She tells me the relationship is only texting and flirting over the text messages. She tells me she has not been physical with him. I doubt that, we all live in the same area and I only found out because she had me get her phone one day and he was texting her and I saw a few of the messages. I asked her about it and she said she had fallen in love with him, but she does not want to divorce me.

    I am at a loss since she refuses to talk to me about the issues of our marriage she has concern over, but she will talk with him. I am currently in counseling and she refuses to go and talk.

    I am ready to file for divorce, but deep down I still love her. Not sure how much more I can take

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Sabatoged, sounds like you are speaking out of personal experience. Have you been involved in a great love that has been ruined?

  • Hopelessly helplessly sabatoged says:

    Sexless loveless, untouched=unloved/unwanted = no self esteem sometimes there is no love in someone’s life. Especially when people find out they were ment to have great love. Jealousy and hate can ruin the greatest love and broken hearts don’t always heal, but they have the ability to kill the person whom’s heart is beyond repair

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Brassyhub, I really appreciate your honesty. I can imagine how difficult it is for the two of you, and especially for you since, as you say, this sexless marriage was imposed on you. I have known a number of couples who had strong indications of God’s leading them together but their marriages were severely tested by situations outside of their control. I know some of those people have had serious crisis of faith in those circumstances. I wonder if part of God’s purpose in making clear His leading them together was to help carry them through those extraordinary challenges. What were some of the indications of God’s leading in your relationship? Has that been a part of your continued commitment to your wife and your marriage?

    Do you have people in your life with whom you can talk about the struggles of your marriage?

    Let me pray for you: Lord Jesus, life can be so confusing sometimes, and it is hard at times to understand why You allow such painful things to happen. I pray that You help Brassyhub to find rest in his trust in You. I pray that You would help him to see how You are working through this uniquely challenging marriage and using it to mould this couple into a clearer reflection of Your character. I do pray for a miracle to take place, but I also know that many times it is in the journey through difficult times that You accomplish things far greater than we could ask or imagine. Provide a safe place for Brassyhub to find support and encouragement as he wrestles with being a loving husband. And help his wife to discern how she can best love her husband. It is good to know that You are near and do indeed lead and guide us in all situations. Amen.

    Brassyhub, let me invite you to connect with one of our mentors in a more private conversation through email. There is no cost and I am sure that you will find a mentor who can help walk this difficult path with you. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and one of our mentors will be in touch with you soon by email.

  • Chris says:

    brassyhub….sorry you are struggling, however the bible does not condemn you now to live with your lesbian wife since she whatever type of sexual unfaithfulness to ones mate is grounds for divorce and remarriage according to jesus in matthew 19. i would encourage you to log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above to begin your own personal and saving relationship with jesus christ if you havent already. then be in a true christian church where a godly pastor can orient you on your freedom to remarry another christian woman should you so want to but the fact that God is not condemning you to the marriage you are in now is biblically accounted for.

  • Brassyhub says:

    In a childless marriage of more than thirty years, my wife came out to me and to herself three years ago as a lesbian. I discovered that we were in what is called a ‘mixed orientation marriage’ (MOMs), and that my wife cannot feel any desire for me, though we continue to be faithful to each other in a now totally sexless marriage. For couples like our, there are simply no answers and no miracles. Gay or lesbian orientation is simply not a choice, but a given. Her years of struggles and unanswered prayers have pretty well destroyed her faith, and have massively shaken my own. We now both see our sexuality, not expressed, as a curse and not as a blessing.

    I wonder in how many sexless marriages this may be the real issue. And there is so little talk about this, there is so little help, support for MOM’s who want to stay together and try to make their commitment together work. My wife is now asexual, but I am not. So I have had chastity imposed on me, not by choice, or by some accident or sickness (which I would have found FAR easier to accept). But rather all those years ago, we both felt God’s leading and loving hand pushing us together. And now I puzzle how a loving God can take two people who really tried to love and serve him to such a sad and sexless place.

  • Aldo says:

    Callie, those are some stories you are telling both back in January, and now in March.

    What I suggest that you do is spend lots of time reading the Bible and praying.

    It sounds like no human being is able to change the situation as it is, but as the Bible says in Luke 1:37 “For with God nothing will be impossible.”

    By the way, if either you or your husband would like to chat one on one with a mentor, click on the Talk to a mentor button at the top right of this page. A mentor will be happy to discuss your issues with you.

  • Callie says:

    Last night my mother hieloed up and took our son for a few weeks, to play with other kids, Its left my husband a I alone up here, He said the hot spring is within the raidius of my ankle tracer. He suggested we go for a swim in it in nothing this morning, I am still pretty angry about Christmas and its aftermath, when he got my tracker put on for home detention in what has to be the one place in the world where other people might come by every three or four years, all because he says I interfered with his civil rights on Christmas, when all I was doing was try and keep guests that had traveled 1230 miles from where we used to live. More than a few have had past run ins with my husband over jobs, vacations, and holidays.
    Many of the feelings about my husbands defiance to them and their was offspring was offensive over the last 33 years. One of the guest even said to his father how disappointed he must be in having a son who did not stand for true conservative and Christian ideals, So to stop my now angry husband from opening his mouth and insulting this man about being as my husband puts it a bottom feeding fish that’s so discusting he would not even make a decent meal, being lower than whale scat. I did not want confrontation from my husband on Christmas, We could not get him to leave that day even after his father offered 4000 to go any where he wanted just not be at home. My husband as usual was going to only defy his father and stayed. So to have a tension free meal, I handed my husband his first holiday dinner in 33 years and asked him not to be offended but please go to the pole barn to eat out of the wind. I got the plate back in my face. The only way they finally forced him out on the porch was using pistols to force him out on the porch. My husbands cane coat and Stetson followed with the words stay gone until he developed manners in a 1000 years, My husband said nobody had the right to force him out of his house or tell him to eat sitting in a pole barn on Christmas, his nose and one ear was bloody and there were injuries in the house. Then my mother in law rushed in and said we cant find his Rifle, I saw my husband saddling Bart. Put his riffle in the saddle holster and I was thinking OMG he’s going to go find an ambush sight to take out the men that produced pistols. I went running out to the kitchen to put another plate together and tell him to come in and eat. I heard the front door crash and Bart was halfway in the house. He was trained as a calf roping horse when he felt the loop from my husband lariat land he automatically pulled back. The loop was around his fathers neck, my husband noticed another man reaching for his belt and pistol, My husband said go ahead be stupid, before you can clear an unsafty that weapon he would have a .30 hole in his head. He then made everyone that helped throw him out leave including his father. That’s how I broke my probation over my husbands civil rights, by asking him to eat in the pole barn.
    I have contacted a lawyer but she says that I did not have the right to ask my husband to leave his home to keep his fathers and my friends from being offended by his presence. He has the right to defy any society he wish’s or doesn’t like in his home. She said that as far as the courts are concer5ned we are still trying to deny my husband rights. Which was something I had agreed not to do in 2014 to be put on probation.

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