My husband controls my life and I want to leave

Written by Dr. Ginger Gabriel, Ph.D., M.F.T

controlhusbandMy husband controls who I have for friends, what kinds of meetings I go to, what I should wear to cook breakfast in. I’m thinking of leaving him.

Advice: You really do have some choices before you move out. You can give your husband the choice of being controlling or of being frustrated. The reason we get frustrated in our lives is that things we want to happen don’t, and we get frustrated. You might stop letting him control you. For example: you might wear something else to cook breakfast in. He yells {the normal way to try to control is to use intimidation} at you, and you respond sweetly: “I’ve thought about your request that I wear high heels to cook in, and even though I enjoy making you happy, I’ve decided that I’m more comfortable in these pants and tennis shoes.” He says: “If you loved me, you would wear what I requested. You’re just selfish.” You could say: “I love you and I think I’ll wear this.” If he is prone to violence, have the phone near by to call 911 if he threatens you physically. If he hits you, call the police and have him arrested. It’s against the law to hit women for not wearing what you want them to. Then I’d get counselling and join a support group, to help decide if this marriage can be saved.

On the other hand, he might decide to start respecting you when you decide to start respecting yourself and taking yourself seriously as a person. When controlling people don’t get their way, they will end up frustrated. Some people don’t have a high tolerance for frustration. Those people do not make good candidates for a strong relationship such as marriage.

A controlling person will not change without your first making some decisions about the quality of your and your children’s lives, and without YOU making some changes.

Dr. Ginger

Are you being abused? Read Caroline’s story: “Living with the Enemy”

149 Responses to “My husband controls my life and I want to leave”

  • Hannacat says:

    I tried to see a pastor but since he’s a male,apparently I’m going to end up emotionally cheating. Husband is open to show his face but claims since he is not white that the pastor will just favour me anyway…always full of excuses to avoid counselling, has money but whines about being poor and supporting his wife. Now I’m Apparently pregnant, but scared to tell anyone. My mom doesn’t blind him and he thinks it’s because I gossip. Truth is, his behaviour is easy to see at times, he barely does anything in front of my mom that would impress her and build a relationship. She realized he favours his wealthier family over mine, and it is true….he looks down on poorer families and manual labor jobs that they do. He never once had to humble himself to work a low wage job in his life. On other hand low wage is all I’ve gotten and I’m struggling to get into a career and wish to avoid debt. I’m also pregnant now and fear his attitude will taint the kid

  • Hannacat says:

    My husband is a different culture than me and thinks I am spoiled, treats me like a child where I have a curfew or else he gets furious from “worry”. Orders me around all day, tells me to not waste time on anything “unproductive “, has ocd about what to eat and won’t let me just cook a normal meal. Never cooks but controls how I’d cook, thinks my creative pursuits are wasters because I don’t make a lot of money on it.

  • Elkay says:

    Kathleen, you are so right about not under estimating yourself! In his book “Soul Keeping”, John Ortberg quotes Dallas Willard as proclaiming that every one of us is “an unceasing spiritual being with an eternal destiny in God’s glorious universe.”

    Those who have chosen to follow Christ as Lord are God’s choice to bear His name, represent His cause, and share His glory throughout eternity as “children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ” (Romans 8:17). Since we are God’s children, we have no identity crisis. We are chosen, accepted, redeemed, forgiven, and predestined “to be conformed to the image of his Son” (Romans 8:29). Knowing this means we do not need to be controlled by a selfish person whether they are our spouse or anyone else.

  • he can only power you if you allow it. you never allow your mate to take away who you are,. you never allow yourself to become absorbed by your other half, you always keep your self and your own independents. too many women loss their self and become totally dependent on their spouse to exist. big mistake, don’t under estimate your self.

  • Aldo says:

    Karen, I am truly sorry that you feel that way about me, but I fail to recognize how I am insulting women by assuming that they are not “born again”, especially if they have not indicated that they are.

    We disciples of the Lord have a mandate from Him to bring as many as we can into the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. To take for granted that a person was already saved, when in fact they were not, would be disastrous for her, to say the least.

    I do hope that you can understand my intent, and know that there is no malice on my part toward these women.

    Glory to Jesus!

  • Karen says:


    There are more born again by the Blood of Jesus Christ Christian woman out there that are being abused by their husbands who are masquerading as “good Christian husbands.” You are repeatedly adding insults to these women as if they are not born again and you need to stop it.

    Stop your aiding and embedding the abuser right now in the Name of Jesus Christ. He knows your heart and He sees what you are doing to precious women who are also made in the image of God.

    You, yes you, need to repent and believe on the LORD Jesus in reading the Gospels. I pray God, the Holy Spirit, will reveal to you, by His inspiration, exactly how Jesus treated women. Especially in light of how abusive the cultures were to women back in those days, perhaps we haven’t changed in these modern times as much as we would like to believe.

    God does not desire for His children, yes, women believers, to be abused by wolves in sheep’s clothing, but would rather have them depart from the brood of vipers.

    All glory belongs to Jesus Christ.

  • Aldo says:

    Odinseye55, thank you for getting back to me. You have had a really unusual life I see from reading your blog, but my advice to you would be the same as I have given your wife.

    First, if you have not done so already, confess your own sins to God, and accept and receive His Son Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord. And second, I would make your situation a matter of intense prayer.

    You see Odinseye55, Jesus is the answer to all your problems, whether they be big or small, financial or habitual, domestic or physical. He wants to be your redeemer, your healer, and your deliverer. He wants the very best for you, and your loved ones. Turn your life over to Him, and trust Him to bring about what He knows is best for you.

    Odinseye55, I presume that you are the type of person who wants to run his life your own way. But that is not God’s plan for you. In fact, that is the reason that you are separated from the blessings that God wants to bestow upon you. He has a plan for you, and you must humbly submit to it. Once you do, your life will change dramatically, and you will know His love, peace, and joy. Let’s pray:

    Father God, You know and have heard the cry of Odinseye55’s heart. Lord, only You can put his life back together again so that he can return to the quality of life that You always intended for him to have. Lord, help him to realize that there is no love, peace, and joy, without You in his life. Grant him the wisdom to make wise decisions regarding his life here on earth, and the one hereafter, in Jesus Name I pray. Amen.

  • odinseye55 says:

    Aldo: I am the other side to this deal that Callie spoke of.

    In 1982 we married and my father startedour marrifge off to a real good starte when he told a shore patrol chief that was to dam lazy of getting another sailor in my class out of a greatful dead concert just down the street at the scope from the hotel we were going to for our wedding night. he had already given blank order packets to four of my classmates for Emergency crew replacement after five in my rate were busted for THC in a drug test.

    MY father did not want me getting married at all because he felt I dirtied myself with a non white half oriental, native Hawaiian girl I had intended to marry even years before until he interfered in that, I had just been in the army two years at that time. My father is a racist of the first order, a card carrying member of the KKK. He felt that since I was living together with this woman I had made myself to dirty to marry a white girl.

    I was ordered to Sea by 3 the next morning as a replacement and the senior chief said one phrase, the needs of the navy came first. So being under orders I went, I thought since I did I would do the best I could and became what was called a hot runner and qualified in just under 3 months for my dolphins and Missile Control center tech, That was my undoing and fault in the navy, I was considered such an asset I was pegged for every replacement and sequestered school they could come up with. In early 1984 even family grams stopped, The only family I heard from was my brother who was serving with me since we had another brother who was a sonar man that came aboard my third patrol. in 1984 he told me he was under orders not to tell me any thing about my wife, what was going on where we were from or any thing else. He said when I got to an off crew I would learn why. It was my discharge a year and a half later that I finally was to find out my wife was Bi Polar. at the time I really did not know what this meant, I arrived home to a note on my fathers door, no greeting from my wife. I had seen four days before the greeting other men got including my brother from his fiance’ then the Ombudsman walked up and said here’s the storage key my wife left when she went to where I was going back to. She said I could arrange to get it moved during my discharge processing, them she said, she had to go see to her husband the skipper. I took my last ptep tests, I got my pay and allowences the last 8 months. plus 2 months unused leave pay and travel pay, Since the guest quarters were full and could not find a vacancy any where I used my military ID to get a rental Horizon, My brother was getting ready to move to Kittery Maine and the yards. that’s where his fiancé’ was from. He had taken a big risk four months before in handing me a letter from my UAW auto workers position at a transmission plant and a set of contract books, The letter said I had one year to come back before my time froze. my mother gave it to him and I had six months left.

    I went back knowing the contracts cover to cover, just like the Nuclear weapons security manual, which I still have memorized, I knew I had 30 days from the date of effective discharge to go back. I was planning to use the time to have two weeks of honey moon we never had I had almost 14000 in pa and alowences, But when I arrived home at 4 am on may 28 1985 I was met by a note on the door to take the sofa, My father is yanking me off it an hour latter screaming at me to go reinstate at work off y military leave since I wanted out so bad. I was getting ready to shut him up when my mother stepped between us and asked me to do as he wanted, With everything that needed done more physical, blood tests and drug tests, then having to borrow a set of coveralls and put on the job at 330 that after noon I did not even get to speak to my wife that first day home. I got to my fathers tired, seasick my inner year had not been off a moving deck in over a year. The same note was there I laid my head down and was yanked off the sofa again an hour latter and he’s again screaming at me to get my lazy rear out and find a place to live.

    I stood there and told him I was going to see my wife first, I wanted to know were my blazer was because I had to turn in the rental. I said the only thing I had had in me except coffee since Thursday and this was now Wedensday morning. So I said get off my case, he said I did not need to see her, I did not need to eat that day, I just needed to hit the bricks and do as told That same week I decided to bid on a new position considerd as a prestige position for those with family , social or political connections I got a grieaence to the national Union and fordced it own the locals throat taking it from the commissioners son, I was forced after my wifespent an after noon promising she would majkke our marriage right, let me go on the next vacation to Ireland, even let me have the holidays i wanted off and the weekends if i just backed down one more time. I called her a tramp and a liar I said I knewabout her afauir that Started in Bavaria in 2000 at the millinial celebrations, She said i had been so mean e and distanrt she had to get comfort someplace she said it was not meant just to much was happening wuth ther headacjhhes and the terribole arguments and then the order reciding to work all hours offered that year they were having so much trouble with me even after the tumore was remnmoved it got worse i had cooperated with nothing the last three months> I said I was dione cooperating with her, my fathers wants and society in general because her society was a bunch of super religious stuck up horses ****. that were not worth theb powder to send them to hell. I leftyt her crying that evening to go to my last day on second shift.

    I GOT HOME THE NEXT MORNING TO FOUR MN FOLLING ME UP ON MY PORCH TELLING MEI WAS REMOVING MY BID ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, oN WAS HER ap THE OTHER THE COMMISIONERS SON. It sems that night I started the ruining of everyones life with my defiance by just about killing all four when they jumped me.

    My father and his friends felt my sin was such they had the right to use shotguns to force me into work every day the next seven years. Until I starttedv hurting thenm for doing it, In MAy of 2009 They did not want to hurt any longer so the switched tactics for the oRIENT express trip, I had Put my passport and reservations in my computer case, When we got to the airport i went to park my suburban, Went to get my computer case from my mother but she said every one was in the TSA office with it and my luggage. My moyther asked what did i have in it and I said my passport and reservations as well as my laptop.

    They told me that my wife father, union steward, and Chapline were there to talk to me in the conference room office , I knew that my wife had done something to get me to go back to work when i saw that boy i had trained to take my place at work go through the detectors with his new bride.

    I went in and she instantly said please don’t be angry , i would get a vacation to replace this obne in January, seven months from then, I looked at her and she said your angry now, I said looks like you won, butyou have not I know you canceled my reservations I want the money back now, along with my Passport which I also discovered was missing, My steward told me somebodies got to go back and work the job, I told him to yank the boy off the plane and make him go back because I was the one approved for those weeks and even if i was not going on the express. I said you had beeter find someone to work my shift because I was the one with 34 years seniority that had noy had a day off since 1981 . My father stood there and said i was nuts, I had six days of in 2001 after the brain surgery, Tell me is it a day off when the drill a hole from over your right eye to the center of your head, To get a tumor out on the top of your brain stem. When they sent me home the next day I was supposed to get 60 days off I fixed my meal s those six days cleaned up and tookcare of my washing because my wife was off someplace with friends, six days latter I was asleep in my Computer Room, on my sleeping mat when suddenly I had my father and two of my coworkers yank me to my feet say yup he can stand, so he can work, One said your not messing over my vacation for that little hole in your head. I said it seems to me that I had not had a vacation since I came home from the navy, I could not remember the year that day, but I knew it had been a very long time since one, My father stood there and said when was I going to stop complaing about working and be a man, I said when all of you kiss my a** Let me go I Was not sure the time that passed from the surgery but i knew it was not 60 days, They dragged me to my fathers car, I asked my wife to call the Federal authoritiesto tell them i was being abducted, and My Cooworkers hauled me through the gate barly able to keep my feet, I requested to see the union Prsedent and my committeeman showed Up and he said he knew, I wanteda grievence filed He said the next two months were automaticly doudble time, My supervisor bought a chair out for me and said she would turn away if she found me asleep and have somebody watching me.

    I had a few choice words for my wife betraying me like that, She stood there crying it would have been Wrong to have our frinds and your father dragged off in cuffs for kidnaping, when it was just easier if i forgot about that day< I said i wish i could forget you were here and I would crame this bs up everyones keaster, She said just get some rest. and walked away crying. I decided since my time of recuperation was over, I may as weel get my self back in shape. I got my old army Foot looker out and started practicing katas I had learned in earning my black beklt, I got back to the old precisions, Even started practicing with my Swords. leaving them in my foot locker. locked and I had the key. One day I was going into work and noticed the people standing in front of job bid list,, I saw it was for the new plant and picked up the Bid form. One of the guys said what did i think I was going to take on that list, Sombody with a daddy or mommie on there golden throne would get those jobs. Even with my 25 years seniority. I was not goig to be considered because I was not in the right social club. I turned and told him that I really cared less about social position. I was Going To turn it in and dare the local to give it to some snot nosed country club brat, I took It clear to the Region, who came down like a ton of bricks on the local about the idea of by passing seniority rights for social position. In fact it got My local president called to black lake with the VP, To explain I was getting the position over the son of the county commissionere and even the head of HR was called to Detroit and told that the position somebodies parents had in the community had no bearing on seniority rights it was costing the company to much in grievance pays.

    I took that position, Elated I was getting off seconds finally. My father came over and started yelling at me about just staying put, Why did i have to cause his best friend problems with his son. I said his son was nothing but a burned out piece of s*** that if he overdosed in one of his cocain parties would do the word a favor. I told my father that I was tired of the chips burning me, working in mist oil, cutting oil and coolant. tired of being cut bu tools having parts wthe interior faults i cant se come flying out of the mechins atmeandtire of the idiot i had as a forman, Hire asone because his degree was in middle englis with a accounting minor. I told him and my wife since we married she should go and start living with one of her BFs, she could stop the sneaky life she lead and let me start a life with someon else. I would get the divorce I desearved six months from then. She was crying again which really was ticking me off , She said and who would you find. I said two of the divorced friends she had would do just fine. I hoped her next man would understand the day you married sex with him would be a distant memory.

    My father said did I knowe who i was cutting out of millions in profit if they had that position, I said yes a pretty boy, that sold cocain on the side and used it to, I said I did not want him in that position because his and his buds would have the perfect distributing system, I wanted to put a bottle neck in it. Maybe get some people off the junk, HE said it was really none of my business, To do this and left. My wife siddked up to me and said i was causing all kinds of trouble over this on job, she said the new bids went up for the next round of jobs in 2 weeks , Why not wait and select a job from there, I turned to her and told her that everything was wait it had to get better, I said since the day we married 20 years before has waiting ever made any thing better.

    I was still waiting on my own children, or even the chance. I was tired of sleeping on a 2 inch thick mat on the floor I rolled up when I got up. I was waiting on her to clean the house, fix me a meal every once in a while and instead of being a sponge put her degree to work, I said if some louse with a middle English degree could get a job she sures could find something. She redoubled he crying, telling me if i just bcked off one more time, I would get everything i wanted fronm vacations to holidays and weekends off, I could select from thee next round of bids. But this time i was into things that would get me hurt.

    She even promised over thanksgiving in two more weeks she would start our sex life if i wanted to just get out of the area thith my four weeks, She said it would be hard but my forman said he could get me the time off.

    I said shove it You will decide that using that promise still had power, I said when I took the next two holidays off I was going to her best friend and have a good time since she had had several over the last 20 years, I said take your backmail and stick it. and went to work. I got home the next morning to a receprtion committee, the commissioners son, two of his friends and the foreman that she had a time with on Bavaria on the milinial vacation i was pushed into working by over three dozen people telling me that i was no longer a young man why desrtroy the hopes of a once in a lifetime day. Why couldn't I work that year and I would get a large favor the next year. well I was done with waiting for favors returned, I decided it was time i stood my ground, I heard my wife slam the slide bolt shut. I heard her say i had to hear the four men coming out and just do as I was told.

    I did not like what i was told when they said I could remove my bid under my own power or they could carry me in to do so the result would be the same, I described threir relationships asking who was whoes wife, I said i really don't care but i did not want the title of homophobe because if the did not get out of my face and off my porch i could leave the wives alive. They did not like the insult and jumped me.

    I left all four dying on my front porch and was yelling she had better unbolt the door and let me in. She said I brutalized those poor men I could not be let in she was to scared. I said well I am coming in any way and the door and frame landed on her. I JUST WALKED IN ON TOP OF IT AND SAID NEXT TIME SHE HIRED SOME THIGS TO HURT ME I WOULD KILL HER. I stepped out and started washing the blood off my porch not caring the four that were on my poprch were also soaked. The EMTs said I just about made it impossible to save the life of the forman she had what she calls a fling, Because i had kicked and hit him in the chest so haerd his heart aressted, I was just finishing talking to an Officer and ther neighbors corroborated my story the four started the fight, The officer said i certainly finished it. When I said teach him to nickname a man a monk wile diidling his wife. My father arrived crying water falls about was my rights to a job worth this carnage. I said apparently they thought so. He slapped me and i layed him on his back right in front of the police and went to a motel downtown.

    My wife told me I had finished any chance for peace with any one with my defiance, She said all our frinds are so mad at me . I said there is not a soul she is friends with that I felt was a friend. she just said its always to majke me the better man , It felt like the biggest chump.

    I was escorted into work until Christmas 2008, the even had to stop that because they felt they might have to riun for their lives becase after i figured out habits and methiods I Yanked shotguns out of hands and crushed faces in with the butt off their own weapon I just rembmerd scrinblig something on paoper befor going under in bad pain. He helped me Sit up and was looking at my back said good none of the staples had come loose.

    After he was done explain what had happened and the two times my heart stopped in the 21 hour surgery he said I had to get used to doing things differently now, Maybe out of a wheel chaitr the rest of my life.

    I will not deny i had built up a lot of resentment already I just asked why he bothered to keep me alive, He had to know thev damage after the second heart stoppage. He said he did but it wasnts the end of life I had loving parents and a wife he had not seen my children, i said I had none . My locving parents were willing to keep me around to continue to torture with my wife I guess, so I said He should have let me die I was going from a none life to no life.

    I was sent to rehab a year later I was between the paralel bars. Trying to put onefoot in front of the other, My mother and father kept telling me my life was not as bad as it seemed, I was going to have things i wanted in it just not as I expected, nobody could have ever thought this would happen. When my chest went to total pain I was again in syurgery Getting a MRSA lesion on my heart repaired. I had three strocks and set back two years.

    I arrived home wedensday January the second at 1230 pm I walked up the steps with my cane and went sand sat down with my case worjker following . My wife said your up and walking?. I said apparently i had even showd I could drive. instantly she was one the phone to my father telling him my homcomig was not like they expected. My mother was pretty happy i was not in a wheel cair, My wife was scared and my father was on the phone to the doctor calling him a liar, Hes walking. is what my father said and the doctor said he should not be he has no nerve impulse below the top of his legs but some how hes managing. Its very hard For me but its better this way.

    To weeks after i came home She got a phone call she absoluty ran to. She said Ok see you Saturday , She came back and said, Her collage dorm mate was coming Saturday morning and they were going to go out just to talk, they had not even talk till the year before but it would be nice to go. I said well I wanted to meet this girl she had spent her Senior year with, She got really nervous saying ok she would arrange it I went to bed that Friday night very sleepy laid on my usual mat. I heard her get up and get dressed the next mrning she took my cell phone. An LTV windows based phone. I got up to see her run out in a realy nice outfit looking so excited. Climbed in a black windowed solstice, could not see in and thought weird car for a woman, I tried calling my wife but she had shut it off. I fixed my breakfast, Tried again at about noon and I thought wonder why she cuyt out ike that So I sat in front of my computer, set up my computer to seize all functions on the CEll if she called which she did at 7 that evening . she said She wouiuld be home that evening at nine she was having fun with her roommate. i instantly seized all funtions The camera, The Ringtone the turn off and on and the tracker, She was in another city at a horse racing casino combination. I said not a place for two women, so I turned the camera on without the light and thisds gut=y was taking to her and kissing her, I shut it down fast, and wated until y=the next call i knew was coming. She said that she was going to be later than she thought. I checjked and they were at the hyat regency. I said oK i would just fix something for mtyself and go to bed, I had already broke into her Cedar chest and copied her journals by scanner i thought that I now had enoyugh proof to hang everyone including her.

    I heard her tell her AP how pathetic I had become, asking for the sex that had been due for three decades, she said a real man would have forced the issue. They arrived the next morning, I was waiting down the street and pulled in right behind them trapping them I nocked on he witdow with my cane and my tearful wife rolled down the window. She said do we have to do this in front of everone around i said no i was ging to clear the druive and let them leave just as soon as they wanted, He and her AP went in found her luggage packed and the guardianship ready to sign as assuming, I was just going to say goodby don’t come back.

    I was walking past and heard watch this, my cane flipped back and even though my father says it couldn’t have hurt that bad hitting the floor. It did I. Got Sat up next to the coffee table Looked at my 4’4″ tall cane and took the rubber tip off, I was hoping to drive it through both there scuolls when i threw it, missed my wife andhit him in the side of his head droping him where he stood laughing saying your riht he is a pathetic looser. In truth i wanted him dead right there. I got myself pulled over to him and as he came to he heard me say a pathetic looser am I. My wife tried to stop me from hitting him again, i just brushed her off. I guess it was more like backhanding her into a corner begging me not to kill him. The police came in the door and cuffed me. The other man was a mess. and i was picked up and hauled out of the house to the police car in cuffs, The Sargent came out and said he swept my cane calling me pathetic huh he asaid an ambulance was on its way I had messed him up pretty bad but he felt i was defending myself, but i had to stil go to a stress center for evaluation, I was put in the center, they cut my shoestrings I was in sweats, I woke up the next day tired still in a straight jacket. The Doctor came in and took me out off it asking if i was going to be trouble . I said no he gave me a shot saying this will help and they showed me to a real bed i think I slept another 12 hours then The doc started his question, four hours a day the next week we talked. he said Friday my wife father and mother wer coming in he said he would talk to my mother first, a half hour after he started with her she came out and said was my life really as hellish as I described. Told her what did she think no vacations, no holidays, no weekends since I came home from the navy, She said that was not to long ago I sai MAT 1985, Could She tell me the year. She realized uit was 2013. I said try 28 years ago, 31 since our wedding, wipping off my shirt shwing her the scares on my back I said 41 since your and dads friends and dad put these scares on my back. So tell me was my life so nice. My father came out of the doctors room mad and my wife crying. My father made a beine to me yelling Boo hoo i had not had a dam day off before i got sick in years, boo hoo yur wife did not have sex with you, he screanmed when was i going to learn that i had beters in this life and be a man and accept my place, I said right now, i was using a wheel chair as a walker I got up Grabbit and my wife was yelling riun his eues are gray again. My father barly made it through the plat glass doors and turned to see if i came through I did not the wheel chair shattered the doors and flattened him. 13 stiches, the next week the center was realeasing me, they called my wife my sister was not home and I heard my father tell them to shve me out the door and build my character by learning to walk like a real man or better yet run the 20 miles home.

    The weather outside was 20 below with wind chill of 40 below. I was dreassed in a hoodi and sweats with underwear and socks, i said its OK I would find a way home i just need a long stick i would find one along the way The floor nurse sauid not in this i was not walking home woit whart i had i would not last rtten minutes. She discovered my insurance had a vouvcher to send me home. The driver was nice eough tohelp me in and found thepatio door was not locked. I discovered my wife was in the bedro0m yelling she would be ready in a minute so I set myself in front of thedoor when she came through it and bounced off me, I said i was glad she was ready to go out i would find some clean jeans and be reasdy myself in a minute , I said where are we going, She was already crying, she said I am going to asocial dinner that’s invuitation only with your father , mother and his best friend tonight, your father said your were going to stay in the hiospital. I said apparently he lied and i said like hell you are going any where othere than where i am that evening, She said I gave my word , I told hertr that her word meant less than nothing didn’t it, Howmany times had I received her word and nothing was ever kept, She saisd a husband would understand things happwened, I said this pathetic looser doesn’t, She was crying harder said i never said that I said at the Hyate with your boyfriend she decridebed me as the most pathetuice man wanytin sex and not forcing the issue. She went stark white I said i am forcing it now. She Tried to riun for the door when i left her standing in nothing. She says reaching in her purse heres 100 cant you just meet us anty where you pick in four hors we will be there to get my grievances on the table and Decidec what i was allowed, They no longer allow me a dam thing. I did not leave any doudt in that the next 45 minutes with her saying in my mood I could hurt her, She got up grabbing what was left of her out fit, i said leave it heres the phone and don’t clean up the number is 911 the police will want a rape kit and scene photos.

    I said I am getting the condemded mans last meal handing here A DVD RW i said i hoped everone in her journals could hold their head up after the evidence was presented. I told her i hoped she liked living with her face hidden as would every name in her journals and i went to get some steak and fries. The police still had not arrived when I got back. My wife was rying staring at the phone and I said what was she waiting for, the number is 911, go ahead and call, she said i could have had the life i wanted if i had just been nice but everything was a fight tooth and nail to get cooperation with needs. and when i started with the judge that kept me under court order to work all offered hours in the besrt community intererset I found the time to ruin him fior an illness, I said he was a coke head, not worth the powder to send him to hell. and most in her journal were not my friends as sghe decribed just a bunch of snobs, So Don’t tell Me I desererved what you people handed out, She said Whart she said att the hyate was not meant for I said i know a private joke at my expense.

    Well I took it liiteraly. I took my rights as her husband and to hell with her5 and my father and his idea of what a MAN DOES. IThe last three years any attempt to imnerfere with me has ebnded in pain and embarrassment. In 2014 for holding pistols on me to keep me from a conference about whartt to do about me on the Cancun cruize with out my involving myself. I showed up where they were eating breakfast my mother wassaying its no longer a good idea to try and make me spend any thing with out his say so, That just before My sisdster screamed watch out and I laird the two men out with their faces open to the bone then shiove my father back in his chair describing how long he had to survive, Four offucers took me down and i had to show my securuity cam footage they let me loose. Today My father feels he should have killed me asa child rather than let his defiant son give the social snobs his undying finger. I don’t want them to interfere with me in the least. My mother Died last month my briother felt i should be tod therealtime for her service, a friend of the family met me on the steps out suidfe and told mye i was niot going in. I broke his idea of this by being what my wife describes as a none green hulk slamming the poor man around on the steps for doing as my father asked.

    I stood in my faters face and dared him to say I could not stay. My sister said she could have arranged something just for me idid not have to send a friend to the Emergency room. For just pushuing me.

  • Aldo says:

    Callie, it would seem that you have a real dire situation on your hands, but in reading your comments it is very difficult to distinguish what the root problem is. I’m sure there is the other side of the story which I have not heard making it close to impossible to form an opinion.

    First, if you have not done so already, confess your own sins to God, and accept and receive His Son Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord. Second, I would make your situation a matter of intense prayer. Third, both you and your husband agree to see a qualified Christian counselor.

    You see Callie, Jesus is the answer to all your problems, whether they be big or small, financial or habitual, domestic or physical. He wants to be your redeemer, your healer, and your deliverer. He wants the very best for you, and your loved ones. Turn your life over to Him, and trust Him to bring about what He knows is best for you.

    Callie, if you would like to chat one on one with a mentor just click on the Talk to a mentor button at the left bottom of this page. She will be happy to talk to you concerning whatever issues you choose.

    I pray that God touch you with His Holy Spirit and give you the wisdom to make the right decisions.

  • callie says:

    I thought that one day god would show me the way to get my husband to forgive and forget the wrongs we committed against him and just let life fall where everyone could be happy. I even felt if he tried hard enough he could find being happy was just a place in his mind he could retreat to and let everyone do their thing. He could just work a few years then when everyone saw he had been cooperative at least that long we could continue in our life from that point.
    Instead year by year the resentment built on both sides, Politically my husband took the dead opposite of everyone else. socially the community meant less than dirt. He thought the leaders in the community were dictators, that used their positions to make his life a hell when he wanted time off. a different shift. a vacation at any time that was not such lousy weather could not even drive any where. he always wanted the same ones I took. Usually in may or june. which always meant that someone else would loose out on hopes of june weddings, trips for kids to ceder point, Disney world. Or honey moons all because he wanted the time off his seniority would give him.
    It became a hell to talk to him about the needs everyone would hammer me with begging me to get him to please consider a vacation from January the 2nd to February the 14th. Then things started being a habit after the first two years, I would tell him that we could start a sex life in another one or two years if he remained cooperative so I was not, constantly being yelled at about why couldn’t I get my husband to shut up and accept his place, After all I was the one t6hat controlled the bedroom, just keep him on a string a few more years.
    In 2001 that string became badly frayed after 16 years, After a brain Surgery in July 2001 he woke up without ant thing but resentment, He was not going to listen to any one. That October I said things like please good things come to he who waits the life he was being forced to lead was getting tiresome. People were just getting tired of the constant yelling and begging him.
    Then the thing we feared most his absolute Refusal to cooperate. Even the threat of being hurt physically failed when he put four grown men in to a trauma care in critical and grave condition on our front porch one morning. It was the most terrifying scene I ever witnessed. I heard the young man wanting the job my husband was taking by bid tell him he was taking his name off if they had to carry him in bleeding to do so. I thought four against one there was nothing my husband could do but comply, I had already offered everything he wanted except this job , I had begged him to just wait until the next. time a new job came up just don’t make trouble this last time, He told m he did not care if I was willing to normalize our sex life, he was not falling for this stupid promise one more time, he did not care that his father wanted this. I even said I had guarantees that everyone would stop, trying to get him to not take time for himself when he wanted. I even said I would let him go in 2003 to Ireland on the same vacation trip then. I had put everything on the table to get him to back off and he told me to drop dead. Then that next morning the second the man that wanted the job touched my husband.. My husbands training in two services took over, He has told me the second that was tried in his opinion deadly force was now authorized, And he just about killed all four with his knowledge of martial arts. Four against one offered targets of opertunity it did not take 60 seconds to ruin all four men and kick the front door in on me breaking my ankle.
    I have been told by many including our courts, that my husband is not the one that was to blame for the now 35 peoples he’s badly hurt including his own father. We are for putting him in the place that he was more a slave than my husband.
    In every instance that someone was hurt. He was defiant, he refused something that somebody desperatlly felt they had to have. Just to wait until thing could be figured out how to be stable and include him.
    Since the MRSA in his spine happened its been setback after setback in trying for just a little time to think about how to get him his needs and wants without causing other problems, It started with his return from rehab in 2013. The day he came home was an insurance decision. I had promised that evening to his father and his best friend as a fourth at a fund raising dinner. When they delivered my husband home on a very cold day in February. His father had thought to avoid trouble refusing to go get him that the center would keep him until we went to get him. I heard the Door open and close as I was completing getting ready to go. When I went out to see who came in, I was expecting his father or his friend to be there.
    I ran into this man with steel gray eyes, telling me good He had not been out to any evening dinner in 31 years The gray eyes were the indication he was angry they were normally hazel. This time I told him I had promised the evening to his father, mother and his fathers best friend, he then started telling me why should they come before the hundreds of, promises that I made him over the last 31 year, he said what was it. just wait a little long and we could have the life in peace I wanted, he said, now I was going to live up to my promises to him before any one else, I said after being married 31 years what was his hurry we could meet after the event I was going to and lay out a timetable, to try and allow his inclusion, let him have something he wanted he could do now he was crippled, I said just a few more hours and we could figure something out.
    He was not giving a few more seconds, Said we had stolen his life already and as of that second he was the final judge and arbitor in his life. As far as he was concerned we were all bugs under his feet. I took for the door scared out of my wits. I was going to scream for help when my dress was shredded. I was backing up begging him to wait things did not have to happen like this. I knew by this point what was going to happen if I could not get him to stop every hit just made him come on harder, I was crying and pleading to stop. And when he finished I was hurting and sore, No protection was used, I was thinking how could somebody that once loved me be bought to this point of resentment anger and rage, He handed me the phone and said the number is 911, told me not to clean up for the kit leave my shreded cloths where they were. I just went in and looked at the phone as I put a dressing gown on. I heard my husband tell his fathers best friend that unless he had a warrant and a badge he was to go to the event by himself. I heard his fathers friend get mad and say get out of my way crip then let me go and a scream of terror.
    I heard a car screech to a stop in the drive, his father was saying come help with his hurt friend. the only thing I heard from my husband is I hope he bleeds out.
    I had a son In Decenmber 2013. My husbands idea of cooperation is I don’t care what you want I want it different. and if you don’t like it go die.

  • Chris says:

    anna….sorry to hear of this situation…the bible is not just about prayer. it is about action also. 1 corinthians 7.10 to 11 allows for seperation in cases of great duress which sounds like your situation. if you sense the need to get away for a while to perhaps help your husband to come to the marriage bargaining table so to speak to talk about changes he needs to make, then do just that. God is not in favor of marriage vows being broken which sounds like your husbands situation but be sure jesus is your lord and savior, otherwise this temporary earthly misery will most likely never come to an end without his help. you can log onto knowingjesuspersonally. com or click talk to a mentor above to be sure of your own personal relationship with jesus. no one is too far from jesus reach, not even your husband. blessings to you!

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Anna, I am glad you felt able to tell your story here. I want you to know that you do not need to suffer alone and in silence with the abuse of your husband. There are many people and organizations who will stand with you to protect you and your children from his cruel threats. If you go to the Assaulted Women’s Helpline at you will find instructions how to access those organizations and how to make sure your husband doesn’t know that you are looking for help.

  • Anna says:

    I got with my husband when I was 15 , I am 20(almost) married and have 2children for him he’s 23. My husband tells me he doesn’t want me scared of him and wants me to have and enjoy my life.. but I beg to differ. I’ve been slapped by him , he threatens me all the time when angry and tells me how he’s going to leave me.. I’m scared of this guy! When I was pregnant with our daughter he nearly choked me out and then laughed and said he was only joking .. but at the time I was terrified. Yes I fight him back but only when he slapps me, he gets mad and calls me a [expletive removed] etc in front of our 3year old son.. I yell back at him nd he tells me I should watch the way I speak before he punches me out. I am scared of him, I have no friends and every time he makes guys friends who have gfs they are not good enough to be my friends (he says) so I stay inside all day and all night.. taking care of our kids he barley sees. He doesn’t like me having a relationship with my mom because she Wants me to leave him. Oh and I’m the blame for everything even if he misplaced his shirt.. He finds a way to blame me. I don’t want a prayer because it doesn’t work .. I stopped believing when my husband makes me feel stupid for in the past loving god. Can’t pray for someone who acts like a demon.. He even says stuff like he wants to kill everyone in my family and he wants to punch all my teeth out and feed them to me. I kid you not I’m not even joking.. NO one talks to me so NO one knows and if I ever let someone know he will attack me for speaking our business… HES CRAZY

  • Laura says:

    Katie!!!!!!!! I’ve been where you are. No one can tell you to go. You have to believe in yourself first. It sounds like your ready or at least very close to being able to leave and actually STAY GONE.that man is sick mentally. It is sad yes and I know part of you loves him but know that nothing will change……ever… will only become worse…trust me. Please trust me. I went through the exact same thing. Your story was my story..and eventually I did leave. Even when I had nothing. Got to the point where I WANTED to start over..from scratch..with nothing. And it’s true that what doesn’t kill u makes you stronger. Seek financial assistance from the government and move in with your mom and kids . The hardest part is packing and leaving.but once your gone you get that feeling deep inside and u know it was the right decision. I left when my husband was at work to avoid any violence. And went back with my can do it….love yourself

  • Chris says:

    katie…so sorry to hear of your situation!….surely this isnt marriage what you are living but rather you have been taken hostage by this man. jesus has an abundant life for you, just walk out the door, he has it opened for you spiritually. do not be afraid. fear is never from jesus. do not fear the threats of your husband either. jesus is the one whose words endure forever, not the words of a worm of the earth. move in the power of the spirit as you seek jesus to truly be the only lord and savior of your life. if you arent sure you know jesus savingly, log onto or click talk to a mentor above. i am praying now that through the power of the holy spirit you can rise up and walk in the integrity and authority of jesus promises to you and no longer let this man make you his slave any longer. remember, slavery ended over a hundred years ago and it ended when jesus died to set you free as well. blessings now to you!

  • Katie says:

    I’m having issues in my marriage. Been married 5&1/2 years. From the beginning he was really controlling. Made me quit my job. Sold my car, took all the money I had. I thought he just wanted to take care of me and get me a better job. I had 2 kids (twins) from previous relationship. I have a lot of health issues and he promised to take care of me if I married him right away. After 3 weeks we were married. My health has deteriorated substantially in the last 5 years… He won’t let me have any friends, doesn’t want me to see my family… I literally sit in my room all day and all night. I’m horribly depressed! I have no money, no job, no car, nothing. He controls everything. Doesn’t even want me to say hi to neighbors or anything. I’m losing my mind. I swear he’s brain washing me and he’s a liar. I catch him all the time lying about stupid things. I grew up strict Baptist. I now Don’t go to church and my 2 kids are staying with my mom because of my health and we have hit hard times. He gets mad if I make eye contact with anyone. I can’t live like this anymore! Only have my 3 year old to talk to. My mom wants me to leave. I’m scared to do that because of my health and because I have nothing. Not to mention our 3 year old. He takes good care of me… Gets my medicine and takes me to hospital when I need it… Buys me things I need but I have to ask for everything. I haven’t driven in over 5 years. I don’t know how much more I can take but I’m scared to leave… He has threatened me that he will take my youngest and call CPS and all these things. Said he would ruin my life. I’m so lost.

  • Chris says:

    ishita….so sorry to hear you are struggling….there are times in life where we realize we are not happy but if we will seek Gods will instead of seeking happiness, then God can give us the true happiness we are really seeking through him. only God our father through his son jesus christ can show you what to do in this situation but he would have you give it and your life to him so he can direct you about it. you, like we all, need to have a close and intimate relationship with our Creator since he knows what are the best plans to take for our lives. if you would like to know more about having a personal relationship with God please log onto or click talk to a mentor above. i am praying you find the inner peace you need through receiving jesus today. i know your life will never be the same as you do!

  • ishita says:

    My husband has been controlling my life for past six years. Now I am tired and depressed. I have a two year old. I live in USA as a dependant visa holder. But now I want to go back to my country but my husband is not letting my child go with me. What should I do? Please help me

  • Aldo says:

    Been there, thank you for your kind comments on the article, for your agreement about seeking direction from God, and for your testimony on how it has changed your life for the better.

    May God continue to use you in helping people to turn to Him and to trust Him in your similar situation.

  • Been there says:

    I have been there before and I actually really like Dr. Ginger’s advice. I also wholeheartedly agree with the comments about seeking direction from God. That is how my life changed for the better. I am now very happy. I have also come across a great resource that I wish I would have had years ago when things were really bad, but I still find it useful; maybe you will too. Check out God bless!

  • tqGOD says:

    Thank you for your comforting prayers.
    Keep up the good work.
    God bless

  • Barbara Alpert Barbara Alpert says:

    Hi Lee, sorry to hear about the difficulties you are facing at this time. Perhaps you would like to connect with one of our online private Mentors via email. Here is a link to request one if you would like:

    Lee, I came across this website that may be of help to you. It is Largo Florida Shelters and Services:

    Also, here is a link to Florida’s Coalition Against Domestic Violence: Perhaps they will be of assistance to you as well. I have seen abused women reach out to this organization and have seen how they have literally turned those women’s lives around by giving them a safe haven place to stay and teaching them the tools to safely move forward.

    Lee, Do you believe that God is with you through this situation? That He is watching over you and will provide for your needs? many years ago when I did not know what else to do or where to rest my head…the Lord showed up on the scene and changed my life forever more. I believe He will do the same for you too.

    Even thou you stated do not pray for you…I can’t help but to pray at this time on your behalf. There is power when hurting people reach out for help and someone comes along and prays on their behalf.

    Father God, I pray for Lee today. I ask that You would help Lee transition through all that she is going through at this time. I pray that You would provide for her immediate needs such as shelter, a vehicle, and safety. I pray that You would arrange to have the right people come along to help Lee find an affordable car so she can go to work. We thank You for all that you are doing and will do in Lee’s life. In Jesus’ name, Amen

  • Lee says:

    Don’t just pray for me, take off a day to help me find a used car under $500. down payment. Then a room to rent or shelter. (don’t have a lot of money saved) hopefully close to work at brian Dairy Road in Largo, Florida. In the past 7 years , been isolated from friends, and lost all my immediate family (I’m in my 50’s)over the last six years. Lost contact with my distant family over the last 40 year. He is a very insecure, angry person. I have to be discrete. Thank you for letting me share, vent & cry out for help.

  • Aldo says:

    Sharon, I agree with Debra. The best thing you can do now is pray for your husband. Ask God to bless him. It will be like heaping coals of fire on his head, which means that conviction will come upon him, and he will realize how good he has it now. I don’t doubt that God will turn your husband’s heart around to see something in you that he has never seen before.

    By the way Sharon, do you have a “born again” relationship with God through having accepted and received His Son Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior? If not, you can have that now.

    Here is a suggested prayer. Remember, God is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart.

    “Dear God, I admit I am a sinner and need Your forgiveness; I believe that Jesus Christ, Your Son, died in my place, paying the penalty for my sins. I am willing right now to turn from my sin and accept Him as my personal Savior and Lord. I commit myself to You, and ask You to send the Holy Spirit into my life, to fill me and take control, and to help me become the kind of person You want me to be. Thank You Father for loving me, forgiving my sins, and for giving me eternal life, in Jesus name, Amen.”

  • Debra Stringfield says:

    As I was reading your comment, again, Sharon. He might be up under financial pressure. So, I encourage you to pray and ask God to remove the financial pressure off of his life.

  • Debra Stringfield says:

    I would just like to encourage you to seek God in prayer for His Direction. And to spend some consecrated time (1 hour or more), in praying for your husband. And every morning, Plead the Blood Of Jesus over you and your husband and children.

  • Sharon says:

    My husband yells at me all the time. He says it is so nice when I leave for the day. Tells me he can’t help me with anything, like medical bills, etc. he says your on your own. I am going to leave to get back my sole. I am told what am I doing with you.

  • Tom Tom says:

    God constantly intervenes in the lives of humans, both men and women who are in physical harm’s way. Jesus protected the woman caught in adultery from being stoned to death by the Pharisees (John 8:1-11). Jesus protected his disciples from drowning during a storm at sea (Matthew 8:24ff). God protected the apostle Paul from dying in shipwrecks, stonings, beatings, and snake bites. God protected Queen Esther from being killed by the King when she arrived unannounced in the palace (Esther). God intervened to save the apostle Peter from death and brought him safely out of the prison (Acts 12:1-19). He continues to work that way today. At least twice that I know of he intervened to save me from death or I wouldn’t be posting this today.

    He has also intervened in YOUR life Johnny—by sending Jesus Christ to die for the sins of disobedience YOU’VE committed—lying, stealing, lusting, using His name in vain, and denying Him. At this very moment, he holds your life in His hand. He could stop your heart before the next beat. It is only because He is merciful that he hasn’t done so already; but sooner or later, you too will die.

    Yes, there are terrible atrocities committed by sinful man every second of every day. If God were to judge every one of them right now, there would be no one left on the planet. However, every person, including you, will one day be judged for everything they’ve ever done against a Holy God. Nothing will be forgotten. Every evil deed will be brought to light. No one will escape eternal judgment. It’s obvious from your post that you are NOT ready for that judgment day.

  • Johnny G says:

    The [expletive removed] with that [expletive removed] religion crap! That stuff was made up maybe a couple of thousand years ago. Debra needs to go a lawyer first. Get into a ‘safe house’ where other women go to leave their abusive and controlling men (and women) spouses. Make sure the kids are with you. Because, if you have children, these controlling nut cases will take the children and threaten you. Women do the same to men. Let’s face it, if there really is any sort of spiritual being out there, do you really believe that being is going to physically help you? Never did it before.

  • Kate says:

    Thank you Debra for your prayers and encouragement. We certainly need the Holy Spirit to fill us, to teach us to pray, to guide us and teach us to be wise.

  • Debra Stringfield says:

    Was praying, and felt impressed to also encourage you, to ask the Holy Ghost for help… He will help you to see and understand.

  • Debra Stringfield says:

    I’d like to add to encourage you to pray and intercede for your husband on a daily basis. Love you, ladies…

  • Debra Stringfield says:

    I pray for all the ladies on this website. That they will arise to be all that God called them to be. You are valuable, you are precious. Ask God to help you to focus on your life, and what He has called you to do. As you do, Our Lord God will take care of your marriage. The enemy wants to stifle you and make you feel stuck. I pray that the Holy Ghost will place an anointing of release over your lives. I encourage you also, to do a study on the Blood and Cross of Jesus Christ. As you do, I encourage you, to every morning and evening to Plead The Blood of Jesus over your family. There is Power In the Blood….

  • Chris says:

    Wendy…i am sorry to hear about your situation. 1 tim 5.8 is clear that its the mans responsability to provide for his household. you can stand on that verse and not have to back down from it or be coerced to feel bad when you have done nothing wrong. leave the ball in your husbands side of the court. let him decide if he wants to provide for his family or not. as you continue to trust christ, you know you cannot fail nor fall…lord hold Wendy up in her stand of faith. lead her by your guiding hands and let her never be ashamed of her hope she has in you jesus amem!

  • Wendy says:

    I am finding things really hard because my husband of 19 years has become extremely controlling. He took my bank cards and expects me to use up all the savings to feed and clothe our five children. He just got angry at me today because I wouldn’t give him my tax return. I need this money to feed the children and I. He earns almost a million a year and has plenty for himself so I don’t see why he has to have what little money I have in the bank as well. What I struggle with is that I want to be a godly wife and have put up with his critical and controlling ways for years but right now I just can’t see how I can keep going and still be godly. I will not leave him because that is not biblical and yet I feel like I am going stir crazy putting up with his rudeness etc. It is as if he wants me to leave him. God has not answered my prayer yet but I am walking in faith that he will. I read an article about putting up boundaries and tough love but there are other articles that say just keep showing love. It is so hard.

  • Chris says:

    debra…sorry to hear about your situation….it would seem that your husband either cant or doesnt want to fulfill his marital obligations to you and is in even restricting you from living a normal life yourself. we know that God did not intend marriage to be slavery. there are many times we will need to exercise patience but within the parameters of a true marriage. first, i would suggest that you be sure you have a personal relationship with God through jesus christ since all life starts there. you can find out how to do that by clicking… or by clicking talk to a mentor above. in order for our lifes problems to be resolved, we do need to have God personally involved in our lives. that way, you might be also to lead your husband into having his need for christ resolved also. you might find also helpful in your marriage situation. i pray jesus would become alive to you since he truly is and that you would see the hope of your calling comes from heaven to your life here on earth, so that your life becomes alive again in christ for your good and for the good of your husband in jesus name amen!

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