My husband says I’m too fat

husbandsaysfatMy husband has been bothering me for the past year about my weight. I have gained thirty pounds since I met him. I have asked him to stop bothering me about it but two days ago he told me that I was not sexually attractive to him because I was so fat. He said that because of my obesity he has not wanted to be with me. I still have a good shape and plenty of men like the way I look. I wear a size 14 for my height of 5’3. I am so angry at him that I have not spoken to him. I don’t want to see, touch, hear, or be near him because of what he said. I am seriously thinking of getting out of this marriage because I have my whole life ahead of me. Maybe if he got counseling I would reconsider trying to work things out but right now I do not want to. We have had large arguments before, but he said that if I keep gaining weight he will leave me.

Advice: Does your weight interfere with your health? Do you have trouble doing the things that make life fun for you? Are you not able to function as well on the job or in your recreation? The longer it takes you to get that 30 pounds off, the more it will affect your gall bladder, knees, etc. Focus on your goals and let him see that you are enjoying life, even if he has a narrow focus. Pick up the book, Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Write us back after you read the book and we will suggest how to get him into counseling and how to make communication the issue.

Food became Mary’s comfort. She realized she was addicted to overeating.

Read Karen’s Story: The Perfect Anorexic.

328 Responses to “My husband says I’m too fat”

  • Elkay says:

    Regular Dude, I am very sorry to hear that you have exhausted “very sound advice” and I hear your frustration but I am glad that you are a Christian with strong feelings about marriage and divorce. What other people think about you as a “bad guy” is really not the issue as much as is obedience to God’s commands. Have you asked your wife to attend Christian-based marital counseling with you? Christian-based marriage seminars and the like? Because it is probably only by the Holy Spirit’s inner working that this is going to get turned around. May I suggest that this endeavor might best be discussed in private with one of our freely available, trained and confidential Mentors who will reply back to you by email if you will hit the Talk to a Mentor on this page and re-described your situation. I would also pray . . .

    Dear Heavenly Father, nothing is impossible for You and so we come to Your throne of grace to find mercy and help in our times of trouble. You created marriage as a sacred institution for the welfare and happiness of mankind in which man and woman become one in Your eyes, reflect Your image and worship You. Regular Dude and his wife need Your presence in their marriage to remake their marriage with its original purpose, love and joy.

    Please help Regular Dude and his wife both know that marriage is a decision to be committed to one another no matter what, and from that commitment, unselfish love can flow between them as they receive Your love. Help Regular Dude’s wife recall and wish for the love and pleasure they shared in the past. And Lord, give them a strong spiritual purpose in life so that they seek first Your kingdom and honor You forever. We ask this for them in the powerful name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, our Redeemer and Lord. Amen.

  • CYNTHIA says:

    My husband tells me his mom and brother and his brothers girlfriend will always come before me and his ex wife will always be his mom’s daughter in law.
    This really hurts me and he tells me if I don’t like it I can leave. He also has dogs that he and his ex had together and treats them better then me and tells me they were here before me and nothing but happen to them or he and his ex will hunt me down. My dad was a preacher and now he’s gone and I was raised up with what the Bible said about marriage.
    Need help to decide whether to end this marriage for my sanity

    Thank you

  • Chris says:

    cynthia…i regret to hear of your situation. as in any situation, we all need jesus guidance as to know what to do. there arent any laws to be applied. we need the holy spirits guidance according to romans 8.14. i would first encourage you to be sure of your own saving relationship with jesus in order to at least share with your husband his need for jesus also. perhaps he isnt aware of his lost condition and needs to be informed. you can log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above to be sure of your own soul being saved today and help others to know of their need as well. in the end, only knowing jesus is what is going to count as marriage is only for this life anyway. luke 20.35. praying you find jesus peace and comfort as you give your heart and life to him totally today!

  • Melissa says:

    I am having such a hard time with this. I got married and shortly after, all mu hsubands affection stopped, he started drinking, lying, and watching porn. Our sex life suffered. We separated for 10 months. I gained weight. Weight has been difficult for me under normal circumstances, but i work and go to school more than full time on each and do everything for the home. I het little time and im too stressed out and tired to work out. I still want intimacy in my marriage, he doesnt. Ive suggested we work out together, see a counselor, he doesnt want to. He said hes not uninterested because of my weight gain, and he doesnt know what it is. Bit what else could it possibly be? I was fat when he met me, very fat. Im still fat. Im trying to make healthier choices and he fights it. I kust want to be able to have sex and hugs from my husband again. I dont know what to do

  • Chris says:

    melissa…so sorry to hear of your situation….we live in such an appearance culture. so many people seem to have lost the ability to see with the inner eyes and not just the out eyes as God asks us to, as he does himself. you see, an earthly, carnal man can only think earthily and carnally. he knows no other way to think, act or live but you can be different and try to help your husband to be different also as you give your life to jesus and let jesus love fill your life, that void you are experiencing from your husband will lessen and you wont have to depend upon him for your life being fulfilled. doesnt that sound great? its truly possible by you simply logging onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or by clicking talk to a mentor above to begin your own spiritual love relationship with jesus today. then you can pray for her husband and share with him the truth that you have found in jesus, that in christ we are completely loved and able to love others despite their defects and flaws. i pray you find jesus today. he is looking for you!!

  • Keli says:

    Start walking. If he sees you doing something he will be a little pleased. You will feel good about yourself. I have been there. I read a book by the same guy who writes for a popular men’s magazine I can’t think of right now. Your husband kept it really. He is communicating regardless if you don’t like it. Communication is great. Men are visual and like my husband said fickle. Us women need to stop thinking this is Disney’s prince (husbands) but are earthly, Real, men. After all would you still like him if he was greasy looking? Yes, am 120 now and my husband loves it. Like he said he doesn’t want a FAT wife.

  • rosa says:

    My name is Rosa. I am 23 and my husband is 30. We got married 7 months ago. Lately, our marriage and intimacy has went down the hill. He is constantly complaining about how fat I am. I am 5’0 and 109 pounds. i am not consider fat in the western culture but according to his korean culture I am consider fat and ugly. He complains about how ugly my face is and body since i have stretch marks on my body because i had a child at 17. I feel so hurt by his words. I have told him many times how much i feel hurt by his words but he doesn’t stop at all.

  • Elkay says:

    Rosa, I am very saddened and disturbed to learn of your plight. I wish I knew something to say that would help improved your situation but obviously since you have already told your husband how he is making you feel, I do not have such words and I am sorry for that. Since you have only been married 7 months, I doubt very that your weight, and certainly not your facial looks, has changed very much since you got married. Very possibly there is something else that is bothering your husband and he is not willing to be honestly open about it.

    You are in a difficult situation and I hope you can find support and possibly counseling in a woman’s ministry in a nearby church. We also have mentors who are freely available to come alongside you in this struggle. If you are interested, click the Talk to a Mentor button on this page and someone will contact you in confidence by email. I pray for God’s grace to bathe you as you go forward.

  • Amanda says:

    In the bible it says husbands are supposed to love their wives like Christ loves the church.
    I would talk to the minister or pastor at the church and tell him what your husbands are saying and ask the pastors to talk to your husbands.

  • jay says:

    really?? a size 14 on 5’3″ is a good shape? that is obesity. your lack of respect for your body has made him respect you just as little. your outer beauty needs to reflect your inner beauty. Humans are visual creatures when it comes to sex. How we look is what always causes the initial attraction. How you change (on the inside and outside) can also fizzle that attraction. Eat less, exercise more….once you get back to less than 25% fat the attraction will return.

  • Jessica says:

    My husband told me he had never been with a big woman. That he won’t the old Jessica well he was going through some of my old pictures. And he doesn’t like his wife to be fat. He even put me on a 2 years plan for everything lose the weight and he’ll give me a baby if I don’t he won’t have kids with me. and he said he won’t have sex with me for 2 years I follow the partner everything. is two years. How can I compete with a guy who only had the relationship with the model- like girls? small waist and flat belly and big but. I have nothing like that. Sometimes I cry in the middle of the night. And I sing,well I don’t sing anymore I quit because he said my singing is terrible. I had a cold and I lost my singing voice I’ve been trying to regain my voice. But my confidence went so far down. It’s not the same as when I had met him. I’m fat…

  • Elkay says:

    Jessica, I am very sorry for the dilemma you are in. This seems to be a common problem and it is based in the fact that too many men do not understand that when they get married, they entered into a covenant relationship that says “I will take care of your needs before I will address mine.”

    As I told Rosa a couple of months ago, I wish I knew something to say that would improve your situation but obviously since you have already told your husband how badly he is making you feel, I do not have such words and I am sorry for that. Very possibly there is something else that is bothering your husband and he is not willing to be honest and open about it. Ask him about this very calmly and directly and ask him to be candid with you.

    You are definitely in a difficult situation and I hope you can find support and possibly counseling in a nearby woman’s ministry in a local church. We also have mentors who are freely available to come alongside you in this struggle. If you are interested, click the Talk to a Mentor button on this page and someone will contact you in confidence by email. I pray for God’s grace to bathe you as you go forward.

  • Crystal says:

    LEAVE HIM. He is mean. 30 pounds really isn’t even that much, and his threats to leave you are ridiculous! If he can’t love you just because of your weight, just wait until age starts to get at you. Do yourself a favor and leave that turd! You are worth too much to stay with someone so negative. And to all those people supporting his actions….what is wrong with you?! Love isn’t supposed to be all about physical attractiveness anyway! It’s about being best friends and having fun together and loving each other NO MATTER WHAT. DUMP HIM.

  • Carole says:

    The Bible says that a man should treat his wife as he would treat himself. That means if he loves himself he has a covenant to love his wife also. And, no, he should not treat his animals better than you. Pray for him and listen to what God tells you to do. God knows best and His love is overabundant. God Bless!

  • Bob says:

    Jessica:

    I have been married to my wife for over 27 years. She was a size 5 when we met and over the years she has fluctuated between a size 5 and size 20. I love her the same regardless. I was 225 when we met and have been over 300. I have been dieting and have gotten down to 260, still a ways to go. For your husband to give you an ultimatum about your weight is cruel. My wife and I are going through some rough waters currently and have over the 27 years of marriage. She’s been unfaithful at least 2x, even though it’s been many years ago, it still hurts. I’ve never been unfaithful or abusive and have never fallen out of love with her even though I suffered great depression after both affairs. I feel that she may be having another affair and I’m suffering again. I say that it seems your husband is heading in that direction. I didn’t marry her because she had a nice figure, I married her because I loved her (I still do). I never sensed anything wrong but your husband is being blatant. Get out of the marriage. I’m committed until she tells me she’s not in love with me anymore. We have grown adult children and the only reason I didn’t file for divorce back then was because our kids were little and I didn’t want them to become victims of their mother’s sinful choices. I pray for you and in turn please pray for me as I am suffering from my suspicions.

  • Elkay says:

    Carole, the Bible actually goes further than a husband loving his wife as himself because in Ephesians 5:25, husbands are instructed to love their wives as Christ loves the Church and gave Himself up for her. This means husbands are in a covenant relationship in which they are called to sacrifice to satisfy their wife’s needs and desires even if their wife does not respond in kind.

    This is no small matter. God created marriage as a sacred institution for the welfare and happiness of mankind in which man and woman bind together, become one in His eyes, reflect His image and worship Him (Gen 1:27; 2:24). It is this covenant commitment that enables married people to become people who love each other, to love the other person for who they are and not just for feeling or experiences they give us . . . and when we maintain our love for someone who is not constantly thrilling us, then we are actually loving a person . . . and if we stress unselfish acts of love over feelings of love, we enhance the feelings . . . this is one of the secrets of successfully living out marriage.

    Bob, I am saddened to learn of your plight. I wish I had something to say that would help improve your situation but obviously, I do not have such words and I am sorry for that. I can pray, “Heavenly Father, we acknowledge that our marriages are a gift from You. We confess that there have been times when we have put our own individual desires ahead of Your desires for our relationships. In faith Bob has asked for prayers for his marriage as only with You at the center can he and his wife maintain their marriage with its original joy. Please help Bob and his wife remember that marriage is a decision to be committed to one another only no matter what, and from that commitment, may unselfish love flow between them as they receive Your love for them. May this love generate complete fidelity and overcome all hurtful issues in their relationship. We ask for this in the powerful name of Jesus. Amen.”

  • Bud says:

    I just recently got married last year. My wife has since gained 20 pounds. I’m turned off by it and have lost sexual attraction to her body. Her face is still beautiful, but I can’t get past the weight. Now before you say I’m a jackass, you have to understand it from a husbands point of view. She was chubby before we got married, and I was fine with that. But she always had a problem with her chubbiness. She blamed her mom for force feeding her because she lived at home, and made it seem like her mom wouldn’t let her diet because food is a big thing in their family. She said once we get married, she will not be under the will of her mother and that she can finally relax and focus on herself and obtain the body she always wanted through exercise and good dieting. I of course believed her, but here we are a year later and she has gained all this weight. She is 5’2 160lbs.

    She tries to diet, but it only lasts 2 days and she gives up. I try to be as supportive as possible, but it seems to not work. It’s not the weight that bothers me the most; I didn’t realize how lazy she was. She comes home from work and sites in front of the TV and browses instagram, snapchat, social media all night. She gives up on anything that requires hardwork. I’m big into music and play many instruments. She said she wanted to learn guitar, so I got lessons for her, and she gave up after a week.

    She now wants to get pregnant, and I feel she is going to use this as an excuse to balloon up. I’m afraid she is going to end up like her mom/aunts, all of which are big and have a myriad of health issues.

    You might say a husband has to love his wife regardless, but do you find this fair? Am I supposed to be just ok with her gaining weight. I will never leave her regardless of how big she gets, but I right now have no desire to have sex with her. She says I need to gain some weight so that she doesnt look so big next to me. How would you react to this if your wife/husband says this. She then says I need to gain some muscle too because I should be muscular since I’m a guy. I haven’t said anything to her about her weight yet, and she tells me I need to something about my body. Now she tells me I need to make a lot more money so that we can have expensive things and enjoy life more. I’m a damn modest person. Regardless of my income, I keep a modest living. Nothing fancy, and nothing boring either. I’m content with what we have. I’m afraid I married a Kardashian!

  • Elkay says:

    Bud, I am going to be pretty frank with you and say that, at face value, a lot of what you have said is pretty mature from a Christian standpoint. Financial modesty and contentment in today’s secular environment can only come from the Holy Spirit and not a lot of people cannot get there because of wrongful social and financial pressures.

    But you are missing the point of sacrificial love, the way Christ loved us and gave Himself up to death on a cross for us while we were sinning against Him. You may have “married a Kardashian” but you are indeed married to her and marriage is a covenant relationship in which you committed before God to sacrificially love her just as Christ loved the Church.

    Forget the weight issue. Go another step further and do as she asks: gain muscular weight and splurge a little on something you can afford . . . let her see you loving her in the way she wants to be loved. The Holy Spirit’s continued work in your life will empower you to show selfless and sacrificial devotion to the development of your wife. Show her that you love her no matter what and see how she will respond lovingly to you.

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