My husband says I’m too fat

husbandsaysfatMy husband has been bothering me for the past year about my weight. I have gained thirty pounds since I met him. I have asked him to stop bothering me about it but two days ago he told me that I was not sexually attractive to him because I was so fat. He said that because of my obesity he has not wanted to be with me. I still have a good shape and plenty of men like the way I look. I wear a size 14 for my height of 5’3. I am so angry at him that I have not spoken to him. I don’t want to see, touch, hear, or be near him because of what he said. I am seriously thinking of getting out of this marriage because I have my whole life ahead of me. Maybe if he got counseling I would reconsider trying to work things out but right now I do not want to. We have had large arguments before, but he said that if I keep gaining weight he will leave me.

Advice: Does your weight interfere with your health? Do you have trouble doing the things that make life fun for you? Are you not able to function as well on the job or in your recreation? The longer it takes you to get that 30 pounds off, the more it will affect your gall bladder, knees, etc. Focus on your goals and let him see that you are enjoying life, even if he has a narrow focus. Pick up the book, Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Write us back after you read the book and we will suggest how to get him into counseling and how to make communication the issue.

Food became Mary’s comfort. She realized she was addicted to overeating.

Read Karen’s Story: The Perfect Anorexic.

329 Responses to “My husband says I’m too fat”

  • Regular Dude says:

    I’ve tried, at one time or another, to do all the things on your list of 20. My point is, affection, in all it’s forms is frequently rejected. I’m not perfect never have been, but I’m willing to try. If she says “I wish you’d do…” I’m all ears. I’ll make an effort, but sometimes you just want to be met half way.

  • Regular Dude says:

    Elkay, that is very sound advice. Unfortunately, I’ve tried the very things you’ve mentioned. Non-sexual affection is often rejected too, it’s not just a “bed room” issue. Normal communication doesn’t work, I have to get to the point where I’m on the verge of walking out the door. This is not frequent, but throughout our years of marriage I’ve had a couple of occasions where I’ve just said “you know what, I don’t care if everyone thinks I’m the bad guy I’m done.” At this point she’ll have a dramatic and emotional change in behavior. She will be attentive & caring, but once security is set back in it quickly fades. Being a christian I have very strong feelings about marriage and divorce, so it takes A LOT to get to that point.

  • Elkay says:

    Regular Dude . . . this appeared on Pinterest today and you may find it helpful:

    20 Little Things to Make a Big Difference in Your Marriage
    1. Greet her warmly.
    2. Offer a kind word.
    3. Give thanks.
    4. Speak the truth.
    5. Look at the bright side.
    6. Shrug off small annoyances.
    7. Snuggle together.
    8. Serve cheerfully.
    9. Pray for each other.
    10. Listen carefully.
    11. Apologize humbly.
    12. Kiss on the lips.
    13. Laugh at each other’s jokes.
    14. Give a soft answer.
    15. Step away together.
    16. Smile at her.
    17. Forgive quickly and fully.
    18. Spend time together.
    19. Build up each others.
    20. Decide you are going to love each others.

  • Elkay says:

    Regular Dude, my wife tells me that sexual desires for (most) women begin a lot earlier in the day than in the night-time bedroom. How about “courting” your wife and telling her on multiple occasions why you love what about her, hugs and non-sexual touches, flowers, a movie date, etc. Your wife has to know that she is unselfishly and sacrificially loved for many, many reasons and in many, many ways. Just as Christ gave Himself up for His Bride, the Church, we husbands are called to do the same for our wives in Eph 5:25-26.

  • Regular Dude says:

    My wife is a naturally a “bigger/thicker” girl, and like so many she goes up & down in weight. Personally, I’m more attracted to curves, so this has never really been an issue for me. When she’s taking better care of herself, and her weight is trending down I give her lots of positive attention and feedback. When things are going the other way I never make an issue of it, and I’m still attracted to her and want physical intimacy. Lately she’s gained a lot of weight (minus pregnancy she’s the heaviest she’s ever been), but I still try to make her feel attractive & initiate things in the bedroom. The problem, I’m constantly rejected. I’m rejected, physically, the majority of the time anyways, but it’s even worse when she’s heavier. I’ve been in and out of shape myself, so I understand not feeling very good about yourself when you’re up in weight, but I never took that out on her. I don’t want her to have a perfect body, I just want a little enthusiasm. Over the past six-months I’ve really committed myself to improving my fitness & health (at 6 ft tall I’ve gone from about 230 to 190). My wife is repulsed by this?? I’ll have people say to me “I bet your wife is all over you.” I just smile and nod, but in my head I’m thinking “not exactly.” After one particularly cold rejection I finally said something (not critical of her weight, but critical of the constant rejection). She didn’t take this well at all, and said she’s not interested because of how she feels about herself, not me. So I said “look, your weight is not an issue for me, but if it’s an issue for you do something about it.” This conversation didn’t go well, or end well. Why? I’m not sure, but she’s definitely not used to it. It’s very frustrating, and there doesn’t seem to be a willingness to either accept that I’m attracted to her, even with the extra pounds, or do something to change it. So I can’t relate to the guys who aren’t attracted to their wives after they gain weight (half the time their wives aren’t even overweight). But I’m starting to wonder if I’ve been to passive about it. Why should I have to become a jerk to get my message across?

  • Tom Tom says:

    I agree . . . the word “selfish” really is the root cause of most marriage problems. The last few generations in particular have been brought up to believe that “we should all have what we want, when we want it, and how we want it, or else.”

    I also believe that selfishness is the root of why so many men and women are obese and refuse to do anything about it. They’re more interested in their own pleasures than what the other person–I.e., their marriage partner, would like. I grant that some overweight problems are due to medical situations, but that’s the exception, not the rule. If a person gains a lot of weight and basically says, “I don’t care what you think,” they’re just showing their selfishness. We’re still called to love that person “unconditionally,” but let’s face it–we’re human and it’s hard to get past some things. And I think it’s easier to accept things about our spouse that are not under their control (such as disfigurement, disease, aging, etc.) than things which are simply a matter of lifestyle and choice.

  • Rich says:

    So your husband expressed his feelings to you and you hate him for it? He told you that something you are doing makes him unhappy and you are upset about it? How selfish are you? Your husband opened up to you to express his unhappiness and his desire for a problem to be fixed so you can both have a happy marriage and you are upset about it? You should be ashamed of yourself. Your husband obviously wants this to be the best marriage possible. It’s unfortunate you do not want the same thing. Stop focusing on how to improve him and start focusing on how to improve yourself.

  • jak says:

    I am constantly harassed by my husband regarding my weight, although he is no oil painting. I have remained at my weight for the last 10 years or so. No matter what I did , it didn’t come off, even duramine & not eating, didn’t change my weight. 15 years ago, I was over 50kgs lighter than i am now. I had a bad asthma attack & the rest is history. I am at the point, where I just don’t give a damn anymore, I hate myself, but when I was only 50kgs, my husband, told me to never embarrass him again in public, as I was the centre of attention by every bloke in the building. so damned if I do & damned if I don’t.

  • Charlene says:

    In response to “A husband Speaks”

    Years ago when I was working at the phone company which is now Verizon. I was inundated with calls from customers both christian and non-believers that were divorcing at an alarming rate. Even though quite a few were leaders in ministry it did not changed the outcome of their marriages. These calls lasted for a couple of years resulting in me interceding and petition God in earnest as to what was going on in the state of marriage of today. I believed in marriage, my parents were married for 47 years before my fathers death and my grandparents were married for 65 years. The answer the Lord gave me was thus: ” Your generation is selfish”. I wanted to share this because I feel it is important when dealing with this subject matter. When we are selfish we can not love unconditionally which means to love a person as they are without trying to change them into what we want them to be. Our generation mostly operates on the level of a superficial and conditional love based on worldly standards, our personal wants and needs being met only and when that does not occur we fall out of love and respect for the person we have stated before God we would remain faithful to and with for the rest of our lives. We forget that two people are brought together not as two perfect wholes but two separate flawed individuals that God put together to minister healing into each others lives and to help each other fulfill GOd’s plan through their union while on earth. Our generation forgets to be servants one to another and to love as the word of GOd commands. If you have found fault with your partner pray about it and God will begin to deal with your heart. Often times God will change you long before He changes them. He will also give you insight in how to pray for and with them to help them in the area of struggle. Often times weight issues can be related to issues of the heart. Wounds of the past that need to be healed. That’s why you can see a person lose weight, gain it, lose it and only to repeat the cycle. But when a person finds emotional healing they start making healthier choices and keep the weight off. Unfortunately, today’s generation fail’s to respond wisely often attacking and killing the person’s spirit not realizing it is that very weakness we are assigned to ministry healing through God’s grace. OUr words and actions can further wound and crush another’s spirit. So if your complaining, critical words or manipulations does not work to bring the change you seek then the method is not productive and will not yield positive results for you as a couple. My dad was overweight his entire life and married my mom a beautiful slender woman. I remember us as family going on bike rides, and taking nature walks to prompt a healthy lifestyle and to keep in shape. I too remember the years of them growing old together were in they both went through physical changes which neither diminished their love and devotion to one another. I said all that to say, the very first person I learned about unconditional love was from my father and his treatment of my mother. Maybe the problem is again like God’s response to me when I asked Him about the state of marriage today. We are selfish.. superficial and are blind to our own personal sin when relating to our significant other and do not realize that God is not pleased with our attitudes we hold towards our spouses.

  • Topsy says:

    When I met my wife she was a size 12-14 . The type of woman I have always been attracted to,. have been tall and slim . However my wife is about 5’6/7 and now a size 16 . She was the prettiest person i have dated, so decided to overlook the weight , hoping she will not get bigger. My wife went to a size 22 after our first child 9 years ago and is now a size 16 . I have struggled with her weight ever since and I dont seem to be able to get past this weight issue . I am not slim myself but she does not complain as such . I have questioned myself , am I being spoilt or selfish , because marriage is a compromise . It as made our sexual activity ZERO . I feel awful when she wants to make love and i am not aroused , so I adopted coming to bed late to avoid any disappointments to her . I am in a desperate place and need help , it is really affecting my marriage . My wife is lacking confidence and I believe when she loses weight her confidence will blossom . Although she says when she eventually loses the weight she may not want to be with me .

  • ladyoverweight says:

    I am not surprised at the mean comments from men here.I am living that every day. In my twenties, I had anorexia athletica, which is a disorder in which I felt I was fat so I exercised constantly. And did not eat. I went down to 85 pounds. This was caused I was told by Pstd. I had a very traumatic situation in my life at that time and it caused that reaction.
    I was able to recover from that disorder and in my early thirties, had been able to put on about 20 pounds. I was still underweight according to my doctor, but at that time I met my spouse. He was aware of my issues and I continued to get back to a normal weight. We then decided to marry and attempted to have a child. Unfortunately because of my health, I was unable to conceiv naturally. I was told by my doctor that I needed to start taking fertility drugs, which I did and one of them, caused me t o gain a lot of weight in short time period. Once we decided it was not going to work, after 5 Attempts. We could not continue. I was deeply depressed and started exercising again like crazy..I lost weight and suddenly my husband said I must be cheating because I was trying to be so fit!!
    I stopped dieting again and this time went in the opposite direction. I gained more weight than I ever had before. At this point, he told me I was too fat!! I am talking about me being 127 pounds not a lot of addtion, my husband is really overweight, more than 100 pounds over and I never actually cared about that with him. Except for his health. I cannot even mention it or he gets very nasty

  • Elkay says:

    Christie, I most certainly would especially in view of Eph 5:25-27 where men are charged to love their wives as Christ loves His Church and that means sacrificially “gave Himself for Her.” The calling on men seems even higher.

    That’s why I used words like “dumping one’s mate” and “If anyone’s spouse” rather than saying “husband” or “wife” because it does go both ways.

  • Christie says:

    Elkay, I hope you say the same thing to the men threatening to dump their wives.

  • Elkay says:

    Christie, yes many of these marriage experiences are unfortunate and sad, but dumping one’s mate is no solution. Marriage is serious business– it is a sacred institution that God Himself created so that man and woman could bind together, become one in His eyes and best reflect His image.

    For Christians, Job #1 is to grow in Christ-likeness and that means that when we love someone, we love them unconditionally, permanently, loyally. God did not bail on Adam and Eve when they violated His one restriction in Eden; He did not stop loving Moses even though he committed murder; He did not stop loving David even though he committed adultery and murder; and Jesus did not stop loving Peter after Peter denied Him three times.

    Love is an unrelenting, unconditional commitment to another person and it looks like the famous 13th chapter in 1 Corinthians. If anyone’s spouse is too much overweight, it should be talked about kindly putting the other’s interests at top priority. If agreeable to both, a sensible joint-program of proper diet, exercise and weight-monitoring can improve everyone’s marriage.

  • Christie says:

    The stories here about men threatening to leave or neglect their wives over 10-20 pounds is horrible. We are not talking morbid obesity here people. As if they feel entitled to control their wives by policing their weight. Sorry to be the one to tell you but that is abuse. Wonder what they look like? Probably think their weight gain is ok because they’re men. Do him one better and dump him for a man, not a boy hiding in a man’s body.

  • Joe says:

    I understand the male frustration… But be careful what you say to your wife. Especially if she outweighs you! I am 5’10 and was 197 lb when i met my wife. At the time i was lifting weights twice/week and eating alot so i was a little bulkier. She was 5’5-5’6 and about the same weight. Yes she was chubby but she had other good qualities and she insisted she was trying to lose a few lbs.

    Fast forward 3 years we are married. I havent been to gym in forever and have lost bulk, down to 184 lbs. She on the otherhand blew up to 270 lbs! Our sex life has suffered a bit cause I’m not as attracted to her as before. Earlier this year she made the decision to try Judo. She claimed she is not very self motivated when it comes to going to the gym. She thought Judo would get her active, keep her on track, and teach her a little self defense. Well she did that for several months and lost 25 lbs. Eventually her work hours changed and she had to stop judo. The weight she had lost quickly came back.

    Recently she looks as heavy as ever and was munching on some christmas chocolates. I finally had enough. I blew up at her and told her shes fat and I miss the old her. She just glared at me with a mix of looking like she wanted to cry or murder me. Next thing I know, she walks up to me and I go flipping to the floor with a thud! I tried to get up and she threw me again. It totally stunned me left me lying on the floor in a daze. She said I deserved it and then left the room.

    Watch what you say! Especially if your wife knows a bit of Judo and outweighs you by a large amount :$

  • EmilyM says:

    My husband called me from work while on his lunch break today specifically to tell me that he will be withholding intimacy with me until I become more attractive to him again. He said that my weight gain is not fair to either one of us. I’m 5’8″ and recently went from 140 to 150 pounds. He is the passive aggressive type; last week while I was changing he touched my thigh and said ” wow, it’s so interesting how there is cellulite on the outside of your thigh but not the inside” I was hurt then and I was even more offended today. The rest of my day has been spent in thoughts about how love and intimacy can be withheld because of simple sexual desires. I explained to him (yet again) that I would probably shed those 10 pounds overnight if he was the loving, motivating, reassuring man that I deserve. Maybe 10 pounds can make him unattracted to me but in a 15 year relationship as ours, seems his point wasn’t to motivate me into wanting to be healthier or more attractive to him but more just to insult me and take out his frustrations. I honestly don’t know what I should do because before the phone call and since the realization that my pants are way too snug (btw, the 10 pounds came on quickly–like within only a months time) I had more self esteem and therefore more of a threshold for how to lose this weight. But all afternoon I have thought about revenging him and the emotional pain of being told he will withhold intimacy (love) by buying another costco jar of chocolate covered almonds and gaining another 10 pounds. I know that’s not the answer and ultimately I’m the suffering one with extra weight that I also don’t like seeing but how can I overcome my emotional stress and lose that weight and how can I communicate to him just how awful that phone call made me feel?

  • Kyle says:

    I disagree with the woman who said that our bodies are designed to put on weight as an evolutionary survival mechanism. Our bodies are not designed for any such thing. The reason why humans put on weight so easily is that we are an animal evolved to run distance. Animals bred or evolved for distance running are prone to very easily gaining weight, for example, certain horse breeds that are distance runners have to be fed minimal amounts of food and run constantly, or else they start to get fat very easily. The same is true with humans. Nor is weight gain something that is permanent as people age. The problem is just three-fold:

    1) Most people do not exercise
    2) Most people eat too much food
    3) Most people eat lots of junk food

    Keeping in shape is like bathing. It requires constant maintenance. It is simulation hunter-gatherer activity.

  • Kathleen says:

    I was seeing a man for eight years, I was overweight when we met and the women in his past had also been overweight…some of them larger than me. His business was failing and he did not have money for dates, I footed the bill for dinner be it out or home cooked for him and his son and never said “when will you be able to tske me on a date”. I discovered dishonesty, other women, online dating profiles and one time he called and to plan an evening at my place (including a sleepover) and an hour later called me by mistake when trying to reach another women a friend had fixed him up wth for lunch. I loved him and wanted him to love me….I found the courage to challenge him on his unfaithful behaviors….his response….”are you ever going to get to a healthy weight”.

    I entered a counseling program and ended that relationship. I now understand that he dated women he found inferior to himself….perhaps it was to boost his self esteem or maybe the weight was a good excuse not to commit. What ever his reasons were they were about him and not about me or my weight. When I think about the hours spent crying when I would catch him cheating it could make me angry instead I choose to remember the pain as a warning about I will never tollerate again. I nearly went crazy trying to make myself worthy of his commitment….
    Now I know I would never have obtained it because he is not willing or able. When his finaces improved he thought he was all that…..truth is his behavior was way more unattrcative than my weight could ever be…..
    A cheater is a cheater!

  • Bethany Williams says:

    WHEN I SAID THAT THIS THREAD IS DISGUSTING I WAS REFERRING TO ALL THE RUDE COMMENTS. God can fix a lot of things but sometimes people stay sick. To say that because they prayed they will be better is a load of crap. I know if the disease kills me that God will be waiting for me. I really think that BEING PREACHY is what turns people away. Do not do that.

  • Bethany Williams says:

    I am a follower of christ. Your behavior is shameful. So what was it about my comment that made you assume I was not a believer? You are an [expletive removed] and need to learn to talk to people in a different manner. I am a lover of all that is god jesus and the bible. I assure you I was one of the last people on this earth you should be running your bible thumping mouth to.

  • Chris says:

    Bethany Williams….i feel for you in your difficult situation!….without trying to sound preachy, but having walked with jesus for 40 years now, i can assure you that the promises he has made us in the bible are still true and yours for the asking. by making jesus your own personal lord and savior and receiving his life and promises within you, you will find his help and grace for your body as you allow your body to be his and for his glory as 1 corinthians 6 tells us. i encourage you to log onto or click talk to a mentor above for more information on allowing jesus into your life and allowing him to take over your problems, whatever kind they may be. praying for you now that jesus peace comes to your heart and that your body becomes his like his peace becomes yours!

  • Bethany Williams says:

    This thread is disgusting. I gained weight with my first and ate super healthy and hardly worked out and lost 40 lbs. With my second I now have THYROID PROBLEMS and I gained 40 lbs the second time, lost 30 lbs by the time I left the hospital and then in less than 6 weeks, WHILE EATING HEALTHY AND HAVING THYROID PROBLEMS, my body gained back ALL OF THE 40 LBS. I KID YOU NOT! This is just awful. I workout now. I do combination cardio and light weights. I chase after two small children A LOT. I eat a 3-5 small meals each day. I drink a lot of water and don’t drink soda or other crap. I put lemon in my water sometimes when my PH strips say I am off. I am living a 75% organic lifestyle and I’m fat. It’s an epidemic. I don’t know what to do. I feel for you.

  • Aldo says:

    Jyo, Breadwinners Unite, and Disgusted dude, clearly it is close to impossible to lose weight, for some more so than others, but we must realize that that in itself is not a valid reason for divorce or even separation.

    In marriage, we have all made a covenant with our spouse, before God, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do we part. But for over half the married people in the United States, it seems as though they believe that those marriage vows are a preference rather than a conviction.

    That is why our country is in the state that it is in. Family is the bedrock of any country, and the forces of evil have been continually bombarding it since the beginning of time. Of course, it is much easier and convenient to just “walk and away” from an unpleasant situation than to stick it out because it’s the right thing to do.

    I am naive enough to believe that the weight problem on either side of the marriage is not the real issue. The real issue is that we have become dissatisfied with and unloving toward our mates.

    The Bible tells us in Romans 10:12, “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Just imagine what would transpire in our marriages, families, and the whole of society, if that one verse was obeyed.

  • Disgusted dude says:

    My wife is atleast 75 lbs over weight. She gained most of it when she had our first child 27 years ago. She has “dieted” ever since and toyed with loosing 20-30 lbs several times. Then she quits. Almost like she had reached her goal. Then she gains more than she had before… yoyo. I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that she will always be obese and I will never have anything close to the woman I married. She is happy to be fat and I am disgusted and can hardly look at her. She also goes on these “sex sabatticals” for 2 weeks to 3 months at a time, several times a year. She seems to think she can eat her way thin, but it hasn’t worked for 27 years. How do I get her to actually exercise and truly loose the weight? She quits most everything she does including her short diets. Now I know you haters out there, yes I have gained weight too, just not nearly the same amount or ratio/height. We are dieting together right now, I’ve lost 25 lbs, and she lost her sex drive (no weight that I can tell). Help.

  • Breadwinners Unite says:

    If you work while your husband calls you fat and sits home complaining, then you need to have him find other living arrangements. Trust me ladies, I have a super hot husband and I wear a size 16, and he loves mashing it up. He’s a real man, shares housework, and owns his own construction company. I’m a full-time teacher and he makes time to bring me lunch at least once a week so he can be with me longer than we have time. Please dump your superficial men, especially if he isn’t employed. Your kids will get over a critical loafer and you can find someone who lifts your spirit.

  • jyo says:

    I thought am the only girl facing such issues at home .. Everytime am teased about my weight .even now adays my kids have started teasing me . Seems like everyone here are going through the same pain . so what we supposed to do ?? sheding weight is good for us but unable to do …

  • Elevate your mind body and soul says:

    I’m posting this because I’m a man going through a similar struggle in my marriage. First off I want to say that I love my wife and truly want what’s best for her. I still make love to her and do my best to make her feel desired but inside I’m turned of by her lack of concern about the way her body looks to herself most importantly forget about what others think. I see it all the time. When women are single they hit the gym and do their best to look their best in hopes of catching a good man. And then when they do, they let themselves go and claim every excuse in the world is keeping them from being able to workout. and stay fit. In my case my wife just doesn’t care about how her body looks and it’s selfish and inconsiderate. If I don’t make enough money then yes she’ll complain and say unsupportive comments but how dare I suggest a healthy lifestyle change that will benefit everyone. It’s not fair but that’s not the point. The point is that people are selfish and tend to put themselves first even in a marriage when the opposite should be the case. If you love your man and want him to be happy then you should be doing everything within your power to make that man happy and make his life with you better. In reality most of you females are just lazy and don’t like exerting energy or working hard at something and therefore you find excuses that aren’t true to support your behavior. I suggest you put your pride to the side, find 30 min to exercise 5 days a week, and go on and live a happy life with your husband. That is if you guys really do have love in your relationship. If your husbands not happy with that then chances are he never loved you to begin with. Either way you should do it for yourself because it will make your life better. Now if you just want to get fat and not worry about it then you don’t really love your husband or yourself for that matter and you’ll never be happy anyway. You’re better off just being alone or finding a fat guy who doesn’t value a healthy body. That’s just my take on it.

  • Krissy says:

    Hi Jenny! I’m sorry about your marital struggles. My husband already told me as well that he’s no longer attracted to me because I was gaining so many lbs and I have a muffin top and his facial expression showed disgust! I felt horrible about myself and how I let my self go because I was always active but we moved to another city where there was no gym close and I went from 130 to 147lbs. I decided to start exercise I even paid for a trainer and run everyday, weight lift. I lost 27lbs in a year. I now weigh 120. I’m very active so slim. abs so flat. I’ve never felt sexier!But guess what… He’s still not satisfied. He told me my boobs have shrunk my ass got smaller and he preferred how my body looked before I started to exercise. Well I gained some lbs to satisfy my husband again. I now weigh 126lbs and my boobs are back. nice and round 32D. I also lovee my butt! My trainer have me squatting 125lbs to build those muscles in my butt. and I decided to compete next yr for a bikini fitness body competition… WELLLL my husband is so furious about my decision and told me.. “HE WANTS A DIVORCE! Bc I’m taking this fitness thing too serious now!” (shaking my head) -This time. I’ll give him exactly what he wants-A divorce. I’m tired of trying to please a man that can never be please obviously! My point of my story is… Live your life for you.. Don’t let no one dim ur happiness bc of their own insecurities.. whether u r fat, skinny, fit, thick or curvy a person who truly love you, Will love u for who u r.. and that I found that person – ME! I love me! :)

  • Chris says:

    Jenny…i regret to hear of your marital relationship struggles…my suggestion would be to look to God for your acceptance since it appears your husband doesnt, at least as he should. we realize our mates will never love us perfectly as christ does, so its best not to fret when they speak or say things jesus wouldnt. that way we can live peacefully despite, with or without others who do not represent jesus to us. i would encouage you to log onto or click talk to a mentor above so you can begin living freely from what others say or think about you, including your husband. though you are married to him, he doesnt have to lord over your life and alter your frame of mind. you can let the bible be your daily voice and guide. blessings!

  • Jenny says:

    Wow..I googled this topic because my husband has mentioned several times that we made a commitment to each other that we would stay in great shape. I’ve gained 15 pounds since we met. I was 120 lbs at 5’3 and now I’m 135. I’ve been working a lot of long hours and most of the time I’m really too tired to work out. I realize that I’m not in the same shape when I first got married, but I don’t feel like I’m disgusting. The way my husband references to my weight gain, makes me feel like I’m sloppy and disgusting, because I’m not a supermodel. He was a waiter at a restaurant when I married him, so I didn’t marry him for money. I loved him because i believed he was a caring and loving man. Fast forward 6 years, he’s switched different jobs and careers 3-4 times. I am the bread winner of this house.. My point is, when I married him, we both had expectations. He expected that i stayed in great shape and i expected that he would share in the responsibility of our finances, yet I don’t bring up the fact that he’s not making enough money. I would be a horrible wife to make that demand. Yet, he feels like he can always remind me that I’m not in shape. It’s not fair!!!

  • tania silva says:

    So last night, I was gathering up the dishes we used to eat swiss chalet. My daughter was sitting in the floor playing with her dad. My daughter happened to move as soon as I walked by her and j accident tally stepped on her toe. Si she cried. My husband quickly grabbed her and the look he had on his face while looking at me, seemed as if he taught I did it in purpose. He consoled her and made her feel better but what he said to me next just hurt me so much. ..

    I have 2 children ages 4 and 2. My daughter is the oldest. I had depression before and quite frankly, I feel I still do. I have no self esteem based on my past experiences and problem of letting go. But I care so much of what people say, think or talk about me.

    .so he says this to me :

    ” You need to loose weight you are getting fat. You are getting big!” Just moments after I accidentally stepped on my daughters toe.
    I understand I need to loose weight but there was no need of him telling me that exactly at that moment that I accidentally stepped on my daughters foot. He made me feel like a big elephant or whale that fell on her!

    I felt shattered and I still do! It is the way he said it and the time he said that hurt me the most. He had gained weight himself but I have never criticized him or made him feel the way he did to me . We also have no sex …we rarely do. When we do it is only for his pleasure and that’s it. Yes for few minutes and does not care about me. He says it’s because he smokes.

    I am hurt and now I feel so effected by it that I can’t seem to cope. It’s like I’m back to when I first started taking antidepressants due to lack of self confidence.

    When he came back to talk to me not even an apology he gave me. Instead be lived I should be thankful he told me that he said if he didn’t love me he wouldn’t have said anything. But no apology and not sensitive with how I felt or why I felt the way I did. Instead, he threatened to leave the house and sleep at a hotel for the weekend as I said I wanted some space and be left alone as I was sad. Making it feel as of I did the wrong and I should just forget about it.

    I recently gave up my 10 year carrear job as an ece. I did it to benefit my children as they have no routine at home and it’s always in a rush. Hut seems to me that now it bothers him that I will be home. He was always on and of with jobs since I met him for 5 years ! (I’ve been with him for 5 years) when it comes to our children appointments, finding a babysitter, sickness etc it all falls on me. When it comes to the home maintanance it’s on me. If the house is messy it is because I am so messy and disorganized *( according to him) I am lacking self confidence again. I am hurt and broken . He still does not know how hurt I feel though I told him.

    I am going through the same as you….it really sucks :(

  • Meme says:

    my husband is fat a lot bigger than me! Yet he criticised my weight lots… Should I criticise his bad teeth and lack of job?????

  • Henna says:

    This Weight issue has been constant arguement in our life too. My husband was around 65-70 kg when we dated. When we married he was already 80-85kg. And now 7 years since dating he is 120kg. Over these years I have with care explained about weight loss. Frankly I do feel shy while introducing him to my circle of people.I have reasoned health grounds etc..but nothing worked. He eats fatty non veg and lives carbs n sweets. I feel deep down very frustrated but I m helpless. On top of that double whammy is I m very health conscious but I suffer from auto immune issue. So I loose my power in discussion.

  • AmyE says:

    Laura Fessenden, I posed that same question to Dude – should his wife leave him if he loses his job. Of course, he didn’t answer.

    I also pointed out that supporting your wife in helping her lose weight works far better than calling her names and threatening to divorce her. You chose not to address that.

    By the way, obesity is not just a female problem. 3 out of 4 American men are now classified as overweight or obese. I guess women need to catch up and start dumping their husbands for weight gain, too, right?

    My own husband gained 40 pounds since we got married. You know what I did? I worked out with him, cooked healthier meals and accepted that even with your best efforts, adults gain weight as they age.

    What I did not do is tell him I wasn’t sexually attracted to him or threaten to leave him as if his weight gain was an act of disrespect towards me. And you know what? He has done the same for me. Imagine that!

  • Jamie Moderator says:

    This forum is intended to be a safe place for civil discussion and support. Different opinions on these topics are welcome but messages that are disrespectful, demeaning or cruel will be removed.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    How do the conversations about weight with you spouse go? How do you try to use those as opportunities to strengthen the connection between the two of you, rather than allowing walls to get built up?

  • Laura Fessenden says:

    Amy E…I agree with Dude…I if husband was rich when u married him, you rightfully expect and deserve to be taken care of, unless things happen out of his control.
    A man expects wife to take care of herself if she’s thin, try to maintain herself if that’s who he married.
    Everyone probably gains a little weight with age, that’s expected. But to just let yourself go after you get married is lazy and selfish

  • Laura Fessenden says:

    If you married your husband reasonably slim, he has a right to expect you to stay this way. You have same right.
    And face it, most of weight gain is in what you eat, not your activity level.
    You cant marry, pork up and then complain he’s not interested.
    Looks do fade, but becoming fat and sloppy is preventable, unlike other signs of aging, like thinning hair, etc

  • Who knows says:

    I tried to tell my husband that he’s not attracted to me. I gained 20 lbs but I’m always fat… And now he’s talking about I’m too fat for anyone to be attracted to me. I told him he may not be, but others would be attracted. I think he’s only with me Bc he doesn’t work. I work and pay bills. And he drinks and wastes his life playing video games.

  • Dot says:

    Um… Looks fade personality stays. You can’t expect your partner to be perfect forever. That’s the oath you took on your wedding day. I’m a male and I will love my wife till the day I die and want to make love to her if I still can no matter what she looks like.

  • Jizxle says:

    Reading all these comments from these wack husbands make me happy that I’m not married.

  • Jackie says:

    Loose weight, and dump his [expletive removed].

  • Miss Lizzy says:

    Hi, I’m so sorry to hear this but I do feel better that my husband is not the only jerk around. I gained weight after 3 miscarriages and 2 children. I’m in a size 14 now from an 8. I’m actually losing weight, I lost 10 pounds and I’ve begun a workout regime. He told me last night that I was fat and sloppy. I can’t believe he said it, I can’t even think about it without crying. I’m so hurt about it. I can’t understand why he would wait until I began losing weight to go there. I’m so sorry to hear this is common, but lose weight for your health. That’s why I am…

  • AmyE says:

    “Your choice to gain 30 pounds is signal of your own unhappiness and irresponsibility.”

    You do realize that it is actually recommended that a woman who’s pregnant gain 20-25 pounds for the health of the child? For some women, that weight never comes off after childbirth.

    You do realize that there are many medications and therapies on the market that list an average (yes average) weight gain of 20 or more pounds?

    The more I read these comments from disgruntled husbands the more I realize the average man has no idea how different women’s bodies are from theirs or how they work. Our bodies are designed to keep weight on as an evolutionary survival mechanism.

    Besides the real point here is not the weight gain but how you as a couple deal with it. Understanding your wife’s physical challenges and encouraging her to eat healthy and going to the gym and on walks together is supportive and will get you far better results. Calling her names, telling her she’s a bad wife and doing nothing to support her in making a positive lifestyle change is not and will get you nothing but resentment and more weight gain (and possibly a divorce).

    How many of you have gone to the gym with her or planned some kind of physical activity as a couple? How many of you have stopped bringing junk food into the house and experimented with healthy meals (my ex brought McDonalds and Doritos into the house constantly when he knew I was trying to lose weight–we all know what that was about). How many of you have done anything except sit on your own asses and complain about it being her problem? I wonder how many of these wives are actually overweight as a consequence of eating to ease the pain of being in a bad relationship.

    Brent you liken weight gain to substance abuse. If you’ve ever dealt with it personally, you should know that threats and withholding affection only gets you a more severe addict that resents you even more.

    Try being part of the solution instead of part of the problem before you throw up your hands and walk.

  • Brent says:

    I really find it irresonsible for women to gain weight in a marriage and then think that a husband should go to counselling because he has the reaction he has. A good part of a relationship is physical and we all want to have someone whose body we’re excited by. When you made a commitment to your husband, you also made a commitment to put your own addictions aside so you can have a happy relationship. There are many selfish hedonistic things I would very much enjoy to do if I was complete jerk, but I’m in a marriage which means my devotion to my wife and her happiness is worth more than grabbing a bottle and selfishly sitting around the house. Your choice to gain 30 pounds is signal of your own unhappiness and irresponsibility. Choose to be in a marriage and get in shape for the expectations that involves, or get out and have all the haggendass icrecream on the sofa you want. Choose. You wouldn’t have gotten the guy at 30 pounds greater, so why should you expect to keep him? Love? That sabotages what love is and subjugates the man out of obligation to be with you. Sorry no.

  • Mustang Sally says:

    That was so right on and well said I got a little shiver for a second!!

  • AmyE says:

    In response to “a husband speaks”…

    I’m lying, huh?

    Why then do men still cheat on thin women?

    Because life’s a bit more complicated than thin wife = devoted husband, fat wife = cheating husband/ex-husband.

    Besides, nowhere did I say people (men and women) should not try and live healthy. (Healthy =/= skinny in every instance).

    I’m well aware the husbands are angry because they perceive that a fat wife reflects poorly on them and they think they deserve a thin wife (actual words from a commenter called “dude.”) Which is why not one of them responded to my question about whether a wife deserves a rich husband. And they won’t.

  • Jennad says:

    Its very hard, I have 3 young children. 5 years old, 2 years old and a 1 year old. The oldest is starting school, homeschool that is, so no break there. I’m responsible for housework, cooking, and caring for all the kids, and myself. Its not an easy task to take care of yourself in the midst of all the chaos. But it is possible. The more I do it the easier it gets, I have more energy, I feel better and my relationship with my husband is stronger than ever. Thank you for the prayers Susan, they mean so much.

  • Jennad says:

    Hello Susan! Sorry again for the delay in response! And thank you for checking up with me. I am doing well, I have been on a new diet plan and exercise routine, and I have lost weight!! I am feeling great and my marriage is much more healthy now. My husband feels that his needs matter and his attraction to me is returning. It really is worth the extra effort to try to be in shape. Not just for my marriage but also for myself.

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