Looking for A Dream Lover

Written by Serena Wang

Written by Serena Wang, Translated by Eugene Wu

Who is an ideal dream lover?
What unique qualities should your dream lover possess? What kind of person would make a good lover? What kind of person would make a dream lover who would be your life-long companion?

According to an online survey conducted by Job Seekers (www.51job.com), the top three requirements listed by the respondents for selecting a spouse are: temperament (89%), family and education background (62%), and employment and income (57%). Many respondents also indicated one of the following as a requirement: character, filial piety, intelligence, and even culinary skills. The age of the respondents ranged from 23 to 29 with the majority of them from Beijing, Shanghai, and Guangdong Province. All had at least a college education. Among the 2,360 respondents, 49% had three years of work experience at the minimum, and 50% were employed by companies owned by foreign interests. One unexpected finding was that 58% of the respondents had no lovers. It prompts one to ask why?

Where to find one’s dream lover?

If you happen to be looking for an ideal spouse, ask yourself this question: “Do I possess the kind of qualities I am looking for in an ideal spouse?” In seeking marriage one must realize the kind of person he or she is. That is, if you are looking for a queen, then you must be a king first. If you want to have a good wife, then you must be a good husband first. Most people search in vain for an ideal spouse without realizing that the reason of their not finding one is themselves. When looking for an ideal spouse, one must first learn how to become the kind of person s/he wishes her or his spouse to be.

The problem is how do we become that kind of a person?  To begin with, we must recognize that our love life reflects our own unique character. This is very important to keep in mind because the standard you set is what you are. Someone said: “There are no good men or good women here.” You may be the cause of the problem.  Only good people can attract other good people.

Elof Wilson in her book Your Life Together said the following: “The success of a marriage depends only on having a compatible companion. More importantly, you must become a compatible companion yourself. I discovered from talking with the young people who came to me for consultation that while they were all looking for a perfect spouse, they had never thought about whether this perfect spouse is compatible with them.”
If you are anxious to marry a very good person, then you must be a very good person yourself. If you wish to find out in what areas you need to improve, make a list of the qualities you look for in a spouse. Then, item by item find out where you stand yourself. Marriage vow is a promise of give and take. What you would like to receive is what you must be prepared to give.

We are friends to a couple for more than thirty years. The wife, recollecting her youth, compared herself to what was said in the classic statement in the movie Million Dollar Mermaid: “I have a secret. I am beautiful and everyone loves me.”  She had a list of “ten requirements in selecting a spouse,” however, the person she actually married did not meet any of the requirements, yet their marriage is a blissful one.

Josh McDowell, a well-known marriage counselor, said in his book The Secret of Loving that there exists a large gap between what men and women desire in a spouse and what they actually get. Do you have an understanding smile while reading what he said below?

A man’s idealized wife:

  1. Forever beautiful with a pleasant temperament. Even if she had the chance to marry her movie star idol, she would still choose you
  2. Feminine and gentle but never gets sick, and is allergic to jewelry and mink coats
  3. Insistent on moving furniture around by herself (or lifting heavy objects) because it’s good for her figure
  4. A wonderful cook and good at cleaning house. Knows how to repair cars or TV and how to paint the house and never complains
  5. Her favorite hobby: mowing the lawn and shoveling snow
  6. Does not like to use the credit card
  7. Her favorite words: “Dear, what can I do for you?”
  8. Thinks you have a brain like Einstein’s and the looks of a smart American gentleman
  9. Expects you to go on outings with the children so she can stay home to do a woman’s work
  10. Loves you because you are sexy

What he may actually get.

  1. She speaks 140 words a minute and could go up to 180 with speed
  2. She has a number of queer habits
  3. She eats sparingly, but once her weight comes down she begins to gorge down food again
  4. No matter where she does the cooking, there always is smoke
  5. She lets you know the two mistakes you make: what you say and what you do
  6. She can always find you by cell phone whenever she gets lost on the road

A woman’s idealized husband.

  1. A good conversationalist
  2. Caring, kind, understanding, and shows genuine love
  3. Hard working
  4. A good help around the house. Knows how to wash dishes, vacuum the floor, take care of the yard, and repair house appliances
  5. A person who helps the wife to take care of the kids
  6. Has a stable temperament and enjoys good health
  7. Smart as Einstein and handsome as Robert Redford

What she may actually get:

  1. A husband who always wants to take her to a restaurant – Maybe he will one day
  2. He has no ulcer, but causes others to have one
  3. Anytime he has an idea, he would fantasize about success
  4. He is likened to a person who can perform miracles – It would be a real miracle if he actually does anything
  5. He wants to support his wife’s life style – But never stops to ask his wife to do this and that around the house
  6. He babbles on and on. If he pays you compliments, it would bore you to death.

Now you know what this is all about. The golden rule to a successful marriage is: whatever qualities you seek in a spouse, you must cultivate those qualities in yourself first. Never dream you could find someone you have idealized in your mind, because such a person does not exist. In order to establish a loving marriage relationship requires quality time and effort. Go and work harder, give it your 150%!

2 Responses to “Looking for A Dream Lover”

  • Rasheil says:

    Hi Sara:

    Can you share more about your question? It is difficult to comment without knowing more about your situation or why you are asking. Is he your husband or someone you are not married to yet? Have you thought about communicating this question to him? How do you feel your communication is with each other?

    There is a good book about how couples communicate love in different ways. It is called Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Here is a link to a study you can do online about the Five Love Languages http://powertochange.com/studies/introduction-to-love-languages/

    I encourage you to read the book and participate in the study about the topics discussed in the Five Love Languages.

    Please let us know what you think about the study and if it helped you.


  • sara says:

    i agree with u , but what can i do to check if he loves me or not

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