Bringing Romance Back

Written by Rinatta Paries

sexlove_keepromanceRomance dies, that’s a fact, right? When you find the love of your life, you’ll both settle into a daily routine of financial, household, and child-rearing responsibilities, forgetting you are a couple, right? Romance will only last through the initial crush of the relationship. After that you and your partner will start taking each other for granted, right?

It does not have to be this way. There are many relationships where romance is alive and well. I am in such a relationship, and you can be as well.

In case you think this is a trivial subject, please know romance matters to the health and well being of your relationship. Being romantic is nothing more or less than appreciating and celebrating your partner. This means if romance dies, one or both people in the relationship will begin to feel unappreciated. For many, this can be the beginning of the end of the relationship, or perhaps the beginning of an affair.

Below are four attitudes or actions for you to adapt to make sure romance never dies in your relationship — or to help you revive it.

  1. Learn compassion and acceptance. Realize that your partner is human, no matter how perfect he or she seemed in the beginning. He is going to do things that bug you. She is going to do things to disappoint you. Expect this. In fact, is there any relationship of any type where this is not the case? Try to have as much compassion for and acceptance of your partner as you do for your friends.Most importantly, remember your partner is not imperfect to hurt you. His or her imperfections are not an indication of lack of love for you.
  2. Communicate, communicate, communicate negative emotions. Communicate when you feel hurt. Communicate when you need something to change. Communicate when you are disappointed. Communicate when you feel angry. Communicate when you feel needy. It is the negative emotions, like those above, we tend to not want to communicate in a relationship. We think we are taking care of our partner by sparing him or her our anger or disappointment. In fact, when we hold our negative emotions back, we are quietly releasing poison into the atmosphere of the relationship.The best thing to do with any negative emotion is to get it out in the open and resolve it. But, communicate these emotions instead of accusing your partner of making you feel this way or that.
  3. Appreciate and celebrate your partner every day. I know this one is hard to do, but here is something that will help immediately. Live each day as if this is the last day you have with your partner. I don’t mean to be fatalistic, but accidents happen all of the time. For all you know, today could be the last day you and your partner have together. And if it is the last day, you won’t know it until it is over.The thing most people regret when a loved one dies is not having had the opportunity to say “I love you.” If a loved one has died in your life, you know exactly what I mean.Live each day as if it were the last day of your relationship. If this really was the last day with your partner, you would want him or her to know how much he or she is loved and appreciated.
  4. Touch each other every day. Physical connection is essential to the health and longevity of the relationship, as well as to the health and longevity of each of you.If you have been out of practice for a while, you may not feel romantic at first, may not want to by intimate with your partner. Even if it feels artificial, I suggest you try to connect physically and sexually. As you reconnect, you will find it gets easier to continue reconnecting and to bring the romance and even love back into your relationship.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

8 Responses to “Bringing Romance Back”

  • Elkay says:

    Erika, the situation you have described is not unusual. As important as marriage is, it is one dimension of the Christian experience and the Christian life, marriage included, is centered on following Christ.

    Picture an equilateral triangle with three sides of equal length. At the very top is Christ; at one of the base angles is “husband” and at the other is “wife.” A remarkable thing happens when the husband and wife begin moving toward Christ at the top of the triangle: The distance between them gets shorter and shorter. As soon as both spouses reach Christ at the top of the triangle the distance between them has disappeared.

    C. S. Lewis made this observation: Ceasing to be “in love” need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense—love as distinct from “being in love”—is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it (from Mere Christianity).

    Mr. Lewis is saying that building a marriage is like building a home. You put deliberate plans in place and then you actively pursue the construction. Day-to-day busyness must be guarded against and the building process must be pro-active. The above article has excellent suggestions but also include:

    Put words of honor and devotion into your husband’s heart. Speak truth from your heart.

    Let him know what you appreciate about him. Affirm his positive traits.
    Share your time, share your thoughts, share your interests, and share his interests. Make sure you are inputting positive events that build a positive archive. Plan dates. A movie night, dinner out, or even a coffee date is a good way to keep sharing alive!

    Each day try to connect in one way, whether emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually. Think about it and try to be deliberate.

    In your research, consider, look under Ministries, them Marriage, then Enrich. Think about the “Online couple checkup”. And if you would like to continue this conversation in confidence, hit the “talk to a Mentor” button on this page and a Mentor will come alongside with support and reply to you by email.

    “Father God, Thank You that You care about Erika and her husband and that You actually desire to walk with them through life. Open their hearts to You right now and help them understand how You love them. Help them to come to You and Your deep well of resources every day. Give them the desires, energy, patience and the insight to build their marriage stronger. Bless them and protect them and teach them to know You and to grow in Your ways. I ask this in Jesus’ name, Amen.”

  • Erika says:

    In the last 2 weeks I have been trying to do research on bringing romance in our marriage. We meet 35 years ago and married 33 year. We raised 4 children and all of them are now gone. My husband went on a 3 week work trip and I realized we don’t do many things together and sex doesn’t happen often especially since he had a triple bypass in January 2015. I still love my husband and looking to get romance back into my marriage. My husband is almost 8 years older then me but it never bothered me. I said to my husband this is only gonna work if he works with me on these changes

  • Kim Cook says:

    Hi Terry –

    I’m glad that you are interested in improving the communication between you and your husband. Communication is vital. There are many ways that communication gets put on the back burner in a marriage…stress from jobs, extended family, kids (if you have them), financial concerns, intimacy. These are just a few. I think every marriage has an entirely different set of stressors.

    First – I would encourage you to talk to God about your marriage and the communication, and ask Him to remove the any barrier that is there. Ask Him to bring a smile to your face when you think of your husband, and ask Him to bless your efforts. (I will join you in this prayer!)

    Let me share with you something that has worked in my marriage. It’s a very simple, inexpensive way to spend a few hours together: Date night. We do not make a big deal out of it, we simply use it as a time every week that we go out to eat (we spend less than $20), and use the time as “catch up” from the week’s activities. Sometimes we discuss our children, or our parents, or plan a vacation. Other times we just talk about work or whether or not we want a dog. Maybe you and your husband could set aside a time to go grab a taco or a burger. It doesn’t have to be fancy, and don’t make a huge deal out of it so that you don’t add pressure to this time you are setting aside for just each other. We choose Sunday evenings, and it has simply become a routine for us. Same restaurant, same meal, and often the same servers. They’ve gotten to know us, and honestly, we’ve been able to share the gospel with them.

    Let me know if this is something that you could try. :)

    In Him,


  • Terry says:

    My husband and I have been married for 16 years, together 18 years. While I still love him very much the communication between has hit a snag. He is very vocal and I am more reserved. How do we get back to where we were when we first met and we couldn’t spend enough time together? He feels I am looking for a recipe fix. I would like to change for life. Any advise?

  • Doris Beck Doris says:

    Having an infant or young children definitely changes the dynamics in a relationship. You gave some awesome suggestions Sarah, the idea of providing a babysitter so she can get a break is a good one. When our first child was born my husband told he to go out one evening/week to get a break and he stayed home with our newborn. It communicated his love for me and made me want to spend time with him too as a result.

    Also really liked what you said about watching what you think…I hope this helps Michael.

  • Sarah says:

    Because your baby is so young, Micheal, it’s bound to be a little bit hard at first. You may feel there is distance between you because you have a new baby boy and your priorities have changed because of your son. For most women, we become tired and easily stressed so we just keep on going as if we’re robots, continuing with a daily routine, adjusting to having a son, a career etc. Express how you feel, that’s my best answer. Don’t come at it from a “You don’t want me anymore” situation, but look at it as a learning curve, for example, make her a cup of tea and say “Lets find a baby sitter once a week and spend a day together”. Also, through personal experience, NEVER think too much into it, never think you’re “going to lose her”, because it’ll make you go through so much emotional distress, just think to yourself, she’s my wife, the mother of my child and I’m going to be there for her, I’m going to show her how much I love her by taking her to a meal once a week, then she’ll feel more likely to open up to you and express her feelings and needs back. Communication is so important!.
    Maybe, just a thought, you should investigate in Marriage counselling?. My friends have just been through something similar and now have “Reconnected”.
    I hope all goes well soon.

  • Brenda says:

    I hear your pain and concern, Michael, and I am glad that you believe that your wife still loves you. Having an infant is a tremendous change in a marriage relationship, and what I have found of great benefit in my marriage – especially when undergoing big changes – has been when my husband has done his best to show interest in what is important to me and to show his appreciation for who I am in his life through his words and by actively taking part in what matters to me. I also like it when he is willing to honestly tell me how he is feeling without being afraid to be vulnerable. This shows me that he trusts me with his feelings, and it affirms his love for me. I really liked what this article said, too, Michael. There was only one thing I felt it left out: when one partner in a marriage relationship is busier than the other, it provides the partner with more time a wonderful opportunity to deepen or seek his or her relationship with the Lord Jesus. God is a wonderful Comforter to the lonely, the best Friend we can ever have, and an ever present help in times of trouble. God bless you, Michael, and thank you for writing in.

  • Michael says:

    What if my wife doesn’t want to spend any time with me??? I think that she still loves me but we have a seven month old son and now she seems to not want me! What do I do? I love her very much, but I think I might be loosing her please help me

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