Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!

Written by Dr. Dave Currie

You might feel like you’re alone in this, but you’re not. Free email mentoring is available today. Request a mentor.  Also in this series: She Doesn’t Want Sex.

So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?

Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.

Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.

Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.

Love & God
What does God have to do with love?
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.

Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.

Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.

Related: Read Maureen’s story about her husband’s porn addiction. 

Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.

Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.

Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.

Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.

Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.

Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.

Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.

Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.

Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.

Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.

Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.

Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.

Dave: Keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”

While I would not necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it. But a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage.


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1,639 Responses to “Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!”

  • Elkay says:

    Amanda, I really feel badly about the way your husband is treating you and won’t get help for his low T. I hope you have read in this article about how his lack of desire is not a reflection of you as a person loved by God. The article also has very good advice that “You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him.” You may have already done this so listen to what Jesus told the church at Ephesus; “You have forsaken the love you had at first. Repent and do the things you did at first.”

    This may be crazy but it is worth trying to “remember and return” to the early days of your marriage by romancing your husband. Love notes, gentle hugs, compliments, whatever you know he likes. Some people have found that this kind of “sweetheart” behavior changes both partners! And don’t forget the power of prayer, “Heavenly Father, Amanda’s marriage needs Your supernatural presence and so we come to Your gracious throne to find mercy and help for her with her troubles. Nothing is impossible for You so we can ask that You open her husband’s heart and show him how he is hurting Amanda. Impress upon him that marriage is important to You because when a man and woman bind together, they become one in Your eyes and reflect Your image. Help him to then realize this is why husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the Church and gave Himself up for her. May he then learn to sacrifice his needs and desires in order to satisfy Terese’s and please bring this about such that he knows You are provincially sovereign and begin to worship You in spirit and in truth. This is our prayer in the powerful name of Jesus Christ. Amen.”

  • Amanda says:

    My husband doesn’t want me…never touches me, ignores me completely in bed. He’s been tested and knows he has low T but won’t take anything because he heard it will damage his heart. So if I ask him to take it he thinks I don’t care about his health and I am the most selfish person in the world. I don’t think things will ever change. It hurts to not be wanted

  • NoName NoHuman says:

    I love my wife dearly. I would love to have sex with her. Our marriage is nearly gone because she is so angry that I am not having sex with her. What has happened is simple. She has explained to me over the days past, months past, years past, what a loser I am. On my iphone I have one conversation in my notes, she told me, that I read every day. I used to read it many times a day, since it is so powerful. I now know who I am.

    One time I did not back her up in some situation. I cannot even remember what it was. But she was clear to me, what I am….

    I am a betrayer
    I cannot be trusted
    I run away from confrontation
    If my wife were being attacked I would run away
    I do not stand by my wife
    I do not back up my wife
    I do not support my wife
    I am poor because of these things
    I am unloved because of these things
    I cannot change
    I will never change

    (then a new recent addition to my notes I read daily to install in myself who I am)

    Wife to me: “Of all the relationships I have ever had, I love you the least”

  • Sharon says:

    to Priyanka if you want to talk to someone you can talk to a mentor just to this website and click on talk to a mentor there you can talk to a mentor one to one I hope that will help– Sharon

  • Priyanka Pandit says:

    I want to talk something about my husband but not here could you please drop a mail Thanks waiting for your reply

  • Bri says:


  • Aldo says:

    Chrissy, one of the best things that you can do for your husband you are already doing.. praying for him.

    There are other things that will help you deal with what you are experiencing. I have listed a website below which you can go to: .

    Also, “In Narcissistic Personality Disorder: The Ultimate Guide to Symptoms, Treatment, and Prevention,” you’ll learn about narcissistic personality disorder and how it can impact a person’s life. This book covers a variety of topics regarding narcissism, such as the sub-types of narcissistic personality disorder, symptoms of the disorder, and how to overcome it. After learning about the causes of NPD, we’ll dig deep into treatment methods and different types of therapy that are available for those suffering from narcissistic personality disorder symptoms. It is time to keep yourself in check and overcome narcissistic personality disorder. Grab your copy today.

    Here is a preview of what is inside this book:

    What is narcissistic personality disorder?
    The three sub-types of narcissistic personality disorder
    What causes narcissistic personality disorder?
    The nine most common symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder
    Common therapy methods for narcissistic personality disorder
    How to choose the right therapy approach
    How to overcome narcissistic personality disorder in four steps
    How to find your escape

    Topics covered include one-on-one therapy, group therapy, relationships/couples therapy, and support groups

    ©2015 Clayton Geoffreys (P)2015 Clayton Geoffreys

    Hope this helps.

  • Chrissy says:

    My husband told me he told the doctor he was having trouble with erections and that he’d better tell her before I told her. At the time I didn’t even notice!!! He did make comments to me about putting pressure on him which I didn’t understand. I think he was putting pressure on himself. All the doctor told him to do was lose weight because excess weight interferes with testosterone. He used to use an exercise bike and life weights at home.

    Next he had a gall bladder issue and said not to touch him.

    Then he lost his job and that made it even worse. He became a couch potato and stopped exercising.

    In the last few years I noticed it was ALWAYS me initiating and that often he laid there lifeless not even touching me!! I also noticed it was mostly everything but intercourse. I don’t mind all the other, but I do want to be penetrated once in a while. It’s a wonder we had kids.

    Then I hit menopause and my libido diminished so he is probably relieved.

    Just because he’s not into it, doesn’t mean he can’t “service me” and fulfill his part. He has never invited me–if he does want it I guess I’m supposed to read his mind.

    Talking about the issue did NOT help. I asked him if he never wanted sex again and what I should expect. He didn’t answer.

    I recently told him I am not going to initiate anymore reminding him of all the years of nice things I did for him. That sure didn’t work.

    I read he needs to do guy things and feel like a man again. I’m praying for him. He has a new job, his gall bladder is out. But this has all caused a wedge. We’ve been married 25 yrs and didn’t even have anniversary sex.

  • Elkay says:

    Callie, as you have described your life over the past almost 30 years, it is hard to even begin to know what to say except that since your husband now has the child he has always wanted, perhaps the two of you can try and create a decent marriage together. That would be the most God-honoring way to end what has been too many years of a “non-marriage”.

    I say “non-marriage” because God created marriage as a sacred institution in which man and woman become one in His eyes, reflect His image and worship and serve Him. Anything other than that dishonors Him. Your marriage can succeed only if both of you are unselfishly committed to one another’s best interests, no matter what, and this includes both being quick to forgive. Clearly you and your husband have much to forgive one another about and I suggest starting there.

    After that, a successful marriage is a deliberate decision (not an emotion) to take the love God has for you and let it flow from Him through you to your husband, regardless of whether he responds appreciatively or in kind. So stay the course, love him sacrificially, let him experience this and pray that he will slowly begin to return your love.

    This will be a challenging course so you may want to seriously consider having one of our mentors come alongside you for support. Just hit the “Talk to a Mentor” button on this page and someone will respond to you in confidence by email. And pray . . .

    “Heavenly Father, You have invited us to come to Your throne of grace to find mercy and help in times of trouble. Please help Angel and her husband know that marriage is a decision to be committed to one another only no matter what, and from that commitment, may unselfish love begin to flow between them as they receive Your love for them. May this love generate fidelity and overcome all of the anger and arguing issues in their relationship. We ask for this in the powerful name of Your Son, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.”

  • callie says:

    Chris: over the decades, things just kept happening that now my husband compares himself to Lucifer. He would rather rule in his hell rather than live in his fathers and my idea of heaven.

    He believes that God is keeping him alive as a human fly who like Promethius. god grows his wings back daily so we can have a good yuck. Pulling them off again.

    I have seen him over what was called a prestige position, They are positions that are supposed to go to those that have family, political and social connections. it was thought on a local level it kept better order in the community. The union contact made no provision for these, and called for seniority only considerations. the last 16 years after he came home from the submarine service.

    To keep him from coming back and disrupting lives and the community through the use of his accrued seniority. I had made many promises. Please dot take that job or shift. Let somebody else with more need have it and I promise that I will start a sex life.

    Or like the first vacation trip two years after he came home. To let a young 21 year old have the vacation slot my husband had planed the last year to go with me to Rome and have the honey moon we never had in his navy service after I had promised two years before just let things settle for two years and not use his rights. Then we could start a sex life and a family in peace. I will admit he went above and beyond after that initial argument about staying on the job and shift he was put on after his return. that was three days after he walked in his fathers door. It was over a very pretty 19 year old blond that if my husband pressed his shift preference. Her social life would have been turned to shambles. her area manager father and director mother would have been very angry about it. Two years latter I had finally started getting my husband to say something other than when was I going to be a wife or at least find a job and start contributing something to the home, and not volunteer work either, if I was not going to be a wife then pay my half.

    Then the month before we were going to Rome his father came over after he left for work, told me that I had to get my husband to back off this trip. I was expecting the roof to blow off when I told him why he was to stay and work. To let the same blond and her fiance’ go get married in Rome and have their honey moon. I told his father me and his son had not even had ours yet I was told our names had been on the license long enough we were considered an established couple. Nothing was farther from the truth. I slept in the bed in the master bedroom he slept in the library on his foam mat under army surplus blankets sheets and sleeping bags.

    My husband worked 12 hours a day and 16 on Sundays and holidays. so I went to my husband hat in hand. I explained the need to him and he said in other words he was to kneel and kiss every ones rear again. but he also said if he went he would never hear any thing but how mean he was. from me and his father.

    He stood up ad went to my room and grabbed the bible I took to church, Stopped at the typewriter and made it sound like the springs were flying out, When he came out the Next door Neighbor was at the door with her notary seal. came up to me and told me I said before we married I believed that keeping my word He said put my right hand on the bible, I swore that when I came back from Rome. any time any place and any way he wanted a vacation I would be a willing sex partner and travel companion. Our neighbor put her seal on the signed copy of what I had sworn to.

    My husband did not wish any one a nice trip or time that was going. He told the girl the next time she swung her hips his way he would kiss her rear with his work boot, and to never ask another thing from him. Then he got out acting like an old south house slave, scattered our luggage in the road driving away with his finger out the window. We had a good time in Rome. Took tons of photos and put them in albums. The wedding went great. everyone chipped in for a peace offering for my husband, A beautifly crafted pair of boots that in NYC would have sold for a cool grand.

    We also decided on the vacation he could take to not cause problems latter in that vacation cycle. The area manager said the perfect time was January 4th 1988 to February 14th 1988 any three weeks then. I thought it was not that far away, We could use the money returned for his cancelation to go someplace warm. I was Thinking nice warm beach resort, The Caymans, Hawaii or some place similar. My husband knew there was no way to get a vacation in mid winter like that without booking years in advance. we flew in at 730 am june the 13th. even after the lousy send off feeling pretty good.

    That feeling was turning sour in the next 45 minutes. He was just about dragging customs out to the van with our luggage he was in that big a hurry. I got to the van and looked in the back and he had cloths hanging on the hook. and his sea bag packed in the back. My mouth went real dry when I asked if he was going to Detroit or something for his job. He said no we will be on the road west a few minutes after dropping everyone at his fathers. I started crying. I asked if he could just slow things down and hear us out before he made any decision. to leave that day. I said please we had albums to show him and a peace offering to give him. we could stop for breakfast to talk it over He was waiting for the rest of the group to get out to the van. He said make your pitch and I will shoot it down. so I told him of the time we felt he should take, I said six months is not that fart away and a nice beach would be a romantic way to start our marriage. he took a reservation list out of his console. Everything I thought of on the way back was on it, Even the reservations had reservations to get a chance at a tropic vacation. I said he just could not destroy other plans because he wanted time off.

    I suggested Florida, Texas, Vegas. even southern California we could drive to. he said yeah, get caught in a winter storm. ice skate across most the country. to go to a beach barely warmer than home and the last place he wanted was Vegas and Florida.

    I said just go to work after breakfast and we could figure something out he might even had to wait another year. His father was in the back saying just be a man go to work He could just stay home and rest the three weeks if nothing else, He got told one more word he was walking home. I then said well I was not going and he would just have to go on his own, He was being unreasonable and a A**. he said so I was breaking my promise again. I said yes with this gun to my head, I said I had no choice for everyones sake. He pulled of at the next exit, pulled into the trailways terminal and said he knew my word was not worth spit. He pulled two Divorce filings out and signed them Put his into a mail box to the county clerk. handed me 200 to get my cash to 1000.00 and the 20000 out of savings and a bus ticket to my mothers in VA. I was crying why was he being so obstinat, We could figure something out. it did not have to be now, now, now. He said the last 6 years when was it now, now, now for him. I said things did not have to go his way all the time. he said it hasn’t in many years and he did not need a sponge for a wife somebody that looked to nothing in the marriage, he said he was tired of the back seat in the car he supplied. I said what about his gift. he said give whatever it is to the next chump and I hope he likes kissing your rear. His father had been on the phone to some one. my husband told everyone to get in the van if they were going. His father said don’t worry he’s not going any where or getting his way.

    Its now 29 years latter. Last week his mother died. Her last talk with my husband was don’t let his father get in his life any more. she was sorry for the abuse. and not helping stop it. but she said please find a peace, try and forgive everyone.

    Three years ago he was in rehab the last three years . For MRSA in his spine and its complications, in 1989 The guardianship returned me home after the divorce was denied. the next trip to Athens was just about like the one to Rome with my husband forced by court order to work all offered hours, it went off in 2000 when my husband and others gathered enough dirt on the judge to get him put in prison. The summer of 2001 he was in surgery for a tumor on his brain stem. His father and coworkers did not care that He had just come through they broke through the front door six days latter and made him go back to work He asked me to call the authorities, Report an illegal abduction. I could not turn his father and friends in on federal charges. That when I became the b**** betrayer.

    Then after 911 the company opened a new plant, My husband had 25 years seniority. And when the bid for the first jobs went up he had less than 200 over him in seniority. He settled on the worst headache for everyone he could, what was known as a prestige position. a position usually taken by some one with political, social or family connections. The son of his fathers best friend and county commissioner wanted the position with 8 years seniority THE UAW contract did not recognize prestige positions so a grievance through the National union forced the local to put my husbands bid as confirmed. again I was to go to my husband hat in hand and get him to stay on his present job. This time I said this is the last time I would make any request of him I said I know its been 20 years of a non marriage but if he was willing to just let the younger man have the job. I would allow a real marriage he could sleep on something besides a foam mat on the floor. ad it was past time to start a family, I would normalize our sex life and I would not say any thing about the time he wanted off. Even get him on the 2003 vacation to Ireland somehow. I said just once more everything he wanted was within his grasp, There was already to much owed in favors. I thought it was a fair offer. But he came back and said how’s that foreman your seeing going to like you in bed with your MONK husband. He said Did I know my boy friend nicknamed him that at work his father and three others were in the car when the back doors cracked open and two men hit the street at 45 MPH. my husband kicked the other man in the back of his head putting his face through the windshield and he choked his father out nearly causing a wreak. My husband walked back up the street with all four pistols. got a cold chissil out and cut the barrels and pin seat with it then unloaded them and threw them in a fire and then he left The sheriff said things were being noticed in other agencies Christmas day he left work without permission and came home HE found several guest drunk and smocking pot in his room. HE told them to get out and they refused telling him to get back to work. He threw them through the picture window into piles of sharp glass then he got buckets and pine sole and sponges out and said he better not smell the first whif of pot in the house when he came home in six hours. his father was s scared at this point he even cleaned until he came home< He was mad he was forced to work another holiday down week, He was Mad I allowed people to smock pot and get drunk in his house. He told me that evening not to call the travel agent about my reservation on the orient express that spring because he had made it for a double berth. for me and him, he said don't even touch them or he would break my arms. I did not touch them His father took them and his passport, Got the refund and added the cancelation fee to the check, 6352 in all. I got my single berth was handed the refund to hold until seven months away I was arranging for an apartment rental in ST Criox or that now five weeks, It was supposed to be the makeup offering for 29 years of no holidays, vacations, or weekends off. Instead of the ten he usually received at his work gate with his holiday sandwiches. He was Getting Flight tickets a five week vacation rental confirmation. We arranged to tell him a coworker that just got married was going instead of him. We had his union steward and chaplin there who neither one felt it was fair what we were doing. We met him in a TSA office to just talk to him about the reason he was again staying home. I said When I came back I would tell him what was planned this year for him. just don't get mad, don't Think I was being a tramp and B***** it was just the way things had to be. HE demanded the check and his passport right there I said why I would hold the check and he could get his passport from TSA after we were in the air. I told him I was sorry it was like this but we had traditions now. He said in front of everyone he was going to Cincy or Ohare and catch a direct flight and meet us when we landed. Make this vacation so much hell we would be sick when we came home with him meeting us at every stop and harassing us into turkey. He threw me across the office taking the travelers checks, credit cards. and of course the check, he dislocated my arm, His father got it even worse yelling if he wanted his passport as something other than confetee he would just shut his face and get it after we were in the air It took seven men to pry my husbands fingers off his throat. The TSA put a temporary no fly on my husband after his threat. We got back to no pickup told at his job he did not want to deal with us. I was locked out of my home and account.

    I still cant understand why time off and sex were the things that really set my husbands temper off, He finally let me in the house and gave me an allowance. I really did not feel his violent reactions into being forced to work was really needed But when MRSA set into his spine in October. people were actually scared of him if they crossed him. When He went into surgery and came out crippled with other problems caused it took three years of hard work in rehab to walk with a cane. several times in the marriage knowing I could not let my husband touch me without other consequences. I had other relationships, just for the feel of human touch without it demanded. While he was in rehab I was in one the last year. When he came home and caught me being bought home by the other man one morning. I asked him to take it off the street, My husband stayed and cleared the drive while we went into the living room. Me and N sat on the sofa right next to where my husband had to go to his recliner, the other man said watch this and swept my husbands cane putting him face down on the floor. MY AP started laughing and asked me how I could bear this looser. I was trying to get him to leave, just to try and diffuse things. My husband 4'4" tall cane struck MY AP just behind his temple fracturing his scull, The delivered beating after that did even more damage, the police arrived to my husband fist slamming into his face and my husband yelling who's pathetic now.

    My husband was put in a stress center for two weeks and I started to feel I could not win at this time, The day my husband was sent home was very cold -40 below I had promised his father and his best friend I would go to a fund raising dinner with his fathers friend as his escort. my husbands mother and father. It was just going to be a four hour event. When I had just finished getting ready I heard the door open and close. I went to see who it was and ran square into my husbands chest, I could see he was not happy I was ready to go out, He said its been decades since I was out in an evening. WHERE ARE WE GOING? He knew it was not supposed to be with him, It took just a second to figure out things just became deadly for me. Again the tears just came, I said I had a promise to keep to his father and I would be home in four hours. My husband looked at me and said id I think that he cared about a promise made his father. He asked since 1985, when he came home how many had been made and broken to him, He told me that before I kept any to his father or my friends he came first. He had not forgotten that I had let other men have what he should have been allowed, He supported me for 31 years, he gave up his life for me in hopes that I would be a wife and mother to his children. He said as of that day I owed him 31 years of marital life. and by god I was going to start being the wife and he was the man of the house, not his father, not any of his or my friends he was the final judge and arbiter of what happened in it. I reached into my purse and was begging him to pick a place to meet in four hours and everyone could meet, decided a time table as to what and when things would be allowed t go on. And he yelled you don't get it do you! You don't have the right to tell me what I am allowed. He said he was no longer waiting for tomorrow. He was looking at the glass empty. and I was not going to this event. I took for the door since he was in front of the phone. I was going to call 911 from next door when my cocktail dress was shredded I was standing there trying to cover myself and I was begging plead don't it did not have to happen this way. I could cancel and we could try and talk it through I was sobbing by this time. I said We could do nd go any where he wanted. I said in his mood he could hurt me. He said good I have hurt for 31 years now while you played.

    I ended up being told it was not altitude sickness from our move west three and a half months latter. I was pregnant at 49. I went east to have my son my husband sent a dna sample east. He stayed at High range while I delivered my son on DEC 8th 2013 in Maryland. The DNA I thought registered out at 97 percent probable y husband was the father but I read the report yesterday it was 99.2 percent match. I introduced his son on my husbands birthday in early January 2014.

    I found myself in trouble with legal problems over the way my husband was treated. When I went to talk to the woman's advocate I sat with his father in the waiting area after he talked me into filing sexual misconduct charges. I was sitting there feeling like a bug It felt like everyone was staring at me. When we were ushered into the ADAs office she asked me what I needed, I told her the story of that evening four days before. She said yes that's how my husband described it. She asked for a detective to come in She pointed to several thick binders on her desk corner. opened it and asked me to verify I had written the words. They were my journals, She said what did I want and I said my husband to learn he could not just simply come home and demand sex. He had to wait for any woman to say yes. She pulled a place holder out of one of my journal pages out and read it. It was about the first holiday my husband was forced in at gun point Crhistmass 2001. I wrote I really did not want to let things get to this point he had shotguns on him to make him go to work. But I saw no other options, if he did not work somebody else would have missed out on the holiday, Tonight on the way for after dinner drinks and dancing I will give him the ten and his Turkey sandwiches. Tomorrow he will come home and go straight to his mat after showering. I know he wont say thank you for either the sandwiches or the ten but I wish he would just say merry Christmass and have a happy new year. but he wont. he will just tell me that my slave is here to be told to work, The massas will get there sunup to sun down time from him. But he wont say any thing to me except b****.

    She said she could get a conviction on sexual misconduct. but we would not see a day of time served. she said he raped me once. But I had allowed my husband to be imprisoned treated as something less than human nothing better than a pack mule We had raped him for decades so why should she feel sorry about the one time he got even.

    She said reading my journals I could be charged with marital fraud and extortion, Conspiracy to deny civil rights, Conspiracy to intimidate by firearm, conspiracy to force indentured servitude by intimidation and coearsion. I find now I wish I had never listened to his father when he came back in 1985, I should have run out of the bedroom and gretted as he should have been and drug him of to have our way with each other and then tell his father to jump in a lake. Now my husband thinks of me as almost a non entity and a tramp.

  • Aldo says:

    Terry, only God can bring that about. You can intercede on his behalf that God will bring that change about, but you first need to be in right relationship with God yourself. That relationship comes through being sorry for your sins, asking forgiveness for them, and accepting and receiving Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord.

    2) How can we overcome these biological mismatches and have what most of us want, which is a loving emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship with the one person we love deeply?

    Terry, the answer to that is trusting God to bring it about. You see Terry, Jesus is the answer to all your problems, whether they be big or small, financial or habitual, domestic or physical. He wants to be your redeemer, your healer, and your deliverer. Turn your life over to Him, and trust Him to bring about what He knows is best for you.

    If you would like to, you can receive Him right now as your personal Savior and Lord.

    Remember, God knows your heart and is not as concerned with your words as He is with your intent. The following is a suggested prayer:

    “Dear God, I admit I am a sinner and need Your forgiveness; I believe that Jesus Christ, Your Son, died in my place, paying the penalty for my sins. I am willing right now to turn from my sin and accept Him as my personal Savior and Lord. I commit myself to You, and ask You to send the Holy Spirit into my life, to fill me and take control, and to help me become the kind of person You want me to be. Thank You Father for loving me, forgiving my sins, and for giving me everlasting life, in Jesus name, Amen.”

  • Terry says:

    We have been married almost 3yrs. For work related reasons we were away from each other for 14months. Once we were together my husband started behaving differently.
    He had no interest in sex whatsoever. I tried talking to him lovingly, getting angry and asking for doctors help. nothing worked out. He is still firm on saying no for sex. It is been more an year it is only me who talks about having sex or initiating it. All he has to say is “NOT INTERESTED”.

    he is very nice guy, I am 200% sure he isnt cheating on me. but I have no clue whats bothering him. I feel like setting myself free but i love him way too much for it.

    Help me find a cause.

  • sara says:

    you can wait one year or 2 years
    try every thing and get all the help you can but if it is still the same
    dont stay in this relation ship
    intimacy is like food or sleep you cant live without it even if you want ,
    you are born with this need and if you ignore it, it can lead to emotional even physical sickness or health problems . Life is too short we cant wait for ever for things to change

  • bill says:

    Sorry about some of the words I typed it on my smart phone and it did auto correct. I meant (come to me and say) instead of omega to me and say. Sorry about the auto correct.

  • bill says:

    I don’t want to have sex with my wife of 11 years because she has ways complained before during and after. For 11 years I had to beg her for sex and one day I just decided that I would never ask her to have sex with me ever again. I am done begging her. For years before i decided to quit trying a month or two would go by and she would omega to me and say she wanted to have sex and I would be so happy thinking we would finally have a sex life but I would just pay for it emotionally afterwards. It’s funny she had sex with a bunch of men before we met and don’t think she ever said no to anyone but then I married her and 2 months later I would have to beg for it and only get it once a month if I was lucky. That’s why now after 11 years I have decided I won’t have sex with her ever again. I still love her I have just been so emotionally traumatized that I just wont have sex with her anymore. I hope our marriage will still work without sex. Sex and our kids are the only two things that we have ever argued about.

  • Aldo says:

    Em, to begin with it is not mother nature that has caused all that you state to come to be. God is the Supreme Creator of the universe, nature, and humankind. And when He had created all these, “Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good.” (Gen.1:31)

    Em, since that time, through the disobedience and rebelliousness of man, everything you spoke of has become degraded and corrupted.

    You asked two questions in your comments: 1) What should a woman married to such a man do?

    Em, the answer to that is that the man,s heart needs to change. Only God can bring that about. You can intercede on his behalf that God will bring that change about, but you first need to be in right relationship with God yourself. That relationship comes through being sorry for your sins, asking forgiveness for them, and accepting and receiving Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord.

    2) How can we overcome these biological mismatches and have what most of us want, which is a loving emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship with the one person we love deeply?

    Em, the answer to that is the same as the first answer. You see Em, Jesus is the answer to all your problems, whether they be big or small, financial or habitual, domestic or physical. He wants to be your redeemer, your healer, and your deliverer. Turn your life over to Him, and trust Him to bring about what He knows is best for you.

    If you would like to, this is how you can do it.

    Remember, God knows your heart and is not as concerned with your words as He is with your attitude. The following is a suggested prayer:

    “Dear God, I admit I am a sinner and need Your forgiveness; I believe that Jesus Christ, Your Son, died in my place, paying the penalty for my sins. I am willing right now to turn from my sin and accept Him as my personal Savior and Lord. I commit myself to You, and ask You to send the Holy Spirit into my life, to fill me and take control, and to help me become the kind of person You want me to be. Thank You Father for loving me, forgiving my sins, and for giving me everlasting life, in Jesus name, Amen.”

  • Em says:

    Mother Nature played a cruel trick on us. She made men hit their sexual peak in their teens when most young girls are not ready emotionally for sexual adventure, and she made women hit their sexual peak in their 40s when men’s sexual drive is rapidly decreasing. To add insult to injury, she made it so that the one thing that re-energizes an aging mans sex drive is an attractive young woman who is not his wife (read up on the Coolidge effect). Marriage and evolution don’t mix. How can we overcome these biological mismatches and have what most of us want, which is a loving emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship with the one person we love deeply?

  • Em says:

    How many of these men suffer from the virgin-whore complex, where sex is reserved for “bad” women and marriage for “good” girls. They may try to break out of it but once the marriage gets comfortable they cannot get sexually excited by their wives — but ironically they may still be watching porn or cheating. This dichotomy was extremely common among men in generation’s passed but it still exists among some men today. What do you all think about this idea Dave and Donalyn and what should a woman married to such a man do?

  • Chris says:

    anne mcarthur….sorry to hear you are struggling….the bible is clear in 1 corinthians 7, that a spouse should not withhold their sexual duties to their mate. unless your husband can explain why he wont do that, then you have the right to take certain steps that he would reconsider his thinking but above all, its important to let jesus lead us in our lives when we arent sure what to do. if you dont know jesus as your personal lord and savior, you can log onto or click talk to a mentor above. as far as some options on your end you could pray about working with him about this as you bathe both him and the situation in prayer or distance yourself from him and see how he reacts. if nothing works and you feel inclined to you could either seperate within the house or seperate outside of the house. those are other possible options you can be praying about as you give the situation to christ for his remedy to come to you. praying for jesus peace for you now and for changes in your husband towards jesus also, bye for now!

  • Anne McArthur says:

    My husband & I have been together for 19 years, married for 15. We have not had intimacy in 12 years. His reply is I am not interested. End of discussion, just not interested !!!

  • Aldo says:

    Mike, have you been to Christian counseling? They look at marriage problems a bit different than Non-Christian counselors. And, possibly your wife will consent to go to a Christian counselor. It seems a shame that after 33 years together you cannot resolve your problems. Maybe a different slant of counseling will shed a more agreeable light on your situation.

  • Mike Steele says:

    My situation is not all that different than some. Married for 33 years. About a year or so after the marriage, SHE decided we were not having any more oral sex. Then over time SHE decided some things were just not to her liking, the frequency, then the positions, then the time of day etc. I struggled with this for years. Not having a voice in such an important part of my life was very frustrating. That leads to anger and then resentment. I have been to counseling (she refuses) and it was eye opening for me.

    I will no longer allow anyone to cause me that much angst in my life. It was never her creating it, it was me allowing it, and that is over friends. Don’t want sex, that’s okay, I have some other things I can do. Don’t want to talk about it? Okay by me. Don’t want to talk about not talking about it? Cool, pass the remote. But I will no longer initiate. Ever.

    No sex is preferable to pity sex or duty sex. No sex at all is preferable to her just lying there, eyes closed, lifeless. We hold hands, we cuddle often, lay in each others arms, dance, laugh, etc, but no intimacy. That is out for me. I find her attractive as a person, but I am not in lust with her. I no longer desire her. By dictating and changing the rules without so much as a by-your-leave she has just stomped my ego and confidence for the last time. You can only say “no” so many times, you can only come up with just so many lame ass excuses before even the dumbest of us figure out that you are not interested.

    I will share this one with you; the guys will love this one. I was in the process of getting into better shape, better overall health and a better frame of mind – for me mind you, not for her. I had lost a little over 100lbs. Now she says I am too skinny. My bones actually hurt during sex. She could have said anything else and I would have been fine with it. But I was not ready for that one. Too skinny? What kind of BS is that? I just stood there, speechless. It was like seeing a pitch in baseball that you could not even swing at. That was the day, the very moment I knew it was over.

  • Elkay says:

    Mel, I am very sorry that you find yourself in this situation, in particular because of the negative impact on your self-esteem and long-term implications for your marriage. This article has some very good information in particular urging you to lovingly, but openly and honestly talking with your husband to let him know what you are feeling and to ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest.

    If your husband has any issues with erectile dysfunction, he will confidence in his ability to perform, and avoid physical intimacy. As the article mentions, low testosterone can also be a factor as well as drug use. These possibilities are treatable, starting with a doctor’s appointment.

    From a practical advice standpoint, print the article and ask your husband to sit with you and read it together, paying attention to the warning in 1 Cor 7 about depriving one another. After that, depending on the outcome, you may also want to consider a Christian marriage counselor or corresponding about this problem in confidence with one of our mentors by hitting the Talk to a Mentor button at the top of the page. We can also pray,

    Heavenly Father, nothing is impossible for You and so we come to Your throne of grace to find mercy and help in times of trouble. Marriage as a sacred institution You created for the welfare and happiness of mankind in which man and woman become one in Your eyes, reflect Your image and worship You. Mel and her husband need Your presence in their marriage to bring love and joy into their marriage.

    Please help Mel’s husband know that marriage is a decision to be committed to Mel no matter what, and from that commitment, unselfish love can flow between them as they receive Your love. Help Mel’s husband desire the love and pleasure they can share. We ask this for them in the powerful name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, our Redeemer and Lord. Amen.

  • mel says:

    My husband and I have been married a year and a half his sex drive is non existent. Its now once every couple of months. He shows no signs of this bothering him and we only have that occasional encounter if I have a temper tantrum so to speak. What can I do, he knows that it could be testosterone or another physical aliment and has been for regular check ups but does not bother seeking help for this issue. He is 47 I am 45. Any advice appreciated.

  • Aldo says:

    An,I would direct you to the paragraphs of the article above in which Donalyn and Dave give excellent advice as to how to deal with your situation. They say,

    Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.

    Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.

    An, try doing that and see if it helps. Also, you and your spouse may need to talk to a marriage counselor.

  • An says:

    Hi my husband always lack of sexual life with me.Sometimes i feel bad of my self,and thinking maybe I’m not good enough.We only have sex once in a blue moon.Means once a month sometimes nothing.His 50yrs. old.

  • Elkay says:

    Tim, as the article above suggests, the “problem” can be in testosterone levels and/or drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, but such physical factors are treatable. I hope you have candidly and calmly discussed this with your wife and asked her to understand and help you with what is hopefully a temporary problem. As a next step, please make an appointment with your Primary Care Physician and review all possible factors and solutions.

    You say that you “love your wife my wife more than anything in the world” so lets put this in perspective: as Jesus showed us at Gethsemane and Golgotha, love means self-sacrifice and placing another’s well-being far, far above your own. I do not enjoy scrubbing the shower floor one little bit, but I do it because I love my wife. That may a trite example but the point is that you love your wife by sexually attending to her needs even if this means you employ sex-aids available from Amazon.

    And probably a better forum for discussing your situation is in private with one of our confidential mentors who will respond to you by email if you will hit the “Talk to a Mentor” button at the top and briefly describe this problem. Please let us hear from you.

  • Tim says:

    I am a 48 yer old male and need help. My wife is the same age but is extremely frustrated with my lack of interest in her sexualy. I have had a number of bouts of clinical depression and am on medication which I am sure contributes to my problem. I love my wife my wife more than anything in the world but this problem is becoming dangerous as my wife has needs that need to be fullfilled. I have just sent for a testosterone blood test, but would be grateful to learn about anything else I can do to solve my problem. Thanks

  • Aldo says:

    Marie, your situation is like that of so many others who are battling the same problem. But, unknown to so many is the secret that marriage, which is ordained by God, should have been approved by God.

    There is an old saying about marriage is made in heaven, but has to be lived out on earth. Was your marriage made in heaven? Did you even take the time to ask God to send you the right life partner for you?

    Maybe you do not even have a relationship with God through accepting and receiving His Son Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord. If that is the case it is not to late to do so. Here is a suggested prayer you can say from your heart, and mean it. Remember, God knows your heart and is not as concerned with your words as He is with your intent.

    “Dear God, I admit I am a sinner and need Your forgiveness; I believe that Jesus Christ, Your Son, died in my place, paying the penalty for my sins on Calvary‘s cross. I am willing right now to turn from my disbelief, and accept Him as my personal Savior and Lord. I commit myself to You, and ask You to send the Holy Spirit into my life, to fill, guide, and empower me, and to help me become the kind of person You want me to be. Thank You Father for loving me, forgiving my sins, and for giving me everlasting life, in Jesus name, Amen.”

  • MARIE says:

    I struggle with feeling like I am not the type woman my husband is use to since before me he had an infamous list of all the girls he slept with and there were upward 50 to 100. Maybe I’m just not the kind of girl he likes bc since we got married he has stopped wanting sex at all. if I bitch for weeks he will give in to shut me up then I think maybe he will do it again the next night but all I et from him is hes tired and wants to go to bed. he told me he is not interested in sex. he was before I got preg and we got married but usually it was with other women. he says he loves e but if a husband doesn’t want his wife something is up. if I get it it will be weeks apart only once. when I try for 2 nights in a row he gets mad and says hes tired and needs to rest from the night before. hell its one time in literally weeks how can you be tired!!!===============================================================\\\===========

  • Aldo says:

    For those of you who find it hard to talk to anyone about this problem, please be aware that you can click the Talk to a mentor button at the top right of this page. A mentor will be happy to listen, discuss, and suggest ways to help.

  • Mary Carol says:

    Julie, I can really feel your pain and the pain all of us suffer. It is also difficult because many of us can’t talk to anyone about this. My sisters even do not want to talk about this. This site and therapy are the only places I can talk about this.

  • Mary Carol says:

    For me alone, I agree with D.P. Boesen that there is nothing we can do. After 18 years of no intimacy and also having been told that for two years while we were intimate he really didn’t want this intimacy! Sometimes I can put my feelings on the back burner but many times I feel incredible sadness and confusion on what to do now and regret about the past.

  • Julie says:

    Hi to Mary Carol and D.P. Boesen; and many others to this site:
    I wrote in the comments on Oct.3/15 above if you are interested in response to some of the syptoms of pain that are spoken of. I am a Christian woman, was married 30 yrs. and husband left almost a year ago. The entire marriage had aspects I could not understand until I came across information that validated all that I felt amiss – that took 15 yrs. He left, came back, only to emotionally abuse me again to feeling like dying inside and left me again… I found a link on this site that may help others to get more understanding of what some symptoms are of sex addition which does not have to do with sex of the partner, rather to the images/fantacy and much hidden,deception and betrayal. When its repeated over and over for a long period of time, the crisis we feel becomes trauma repeated, and retraumatized for each new crisis of relationship. Its truly an intimacy disorder, and it affects more men, but women can also have the sex addiction. Read the article, and look on Amazon for helpful books/resources. Love yourself to educate self on this growing terrible addiction that is rampant among different age groups and affecting a lot of the ones in their 20’s with the accessibility to porn. When on the page,to the right click on either marriage, or sex and romance; then view the center row under the heading Videos…click on Nov. 21, 2011 Effects of Porn on Marriage; now scroll under the video box and click on “Related: Read Maureen’s Story about her husband’s porn addiction”. Once you’ve click on that, you’ve arrived at the “Issues I Face” page and Maureen’s story is titled Hardcore Betrayal…it reasonated with me and hope it will help lead you to reflection and resolution to seek God’s direction for the particular information that will heal your Spirit and bring you hope for yourself, with self respect, and learning to love and protect your heart with crucial boundaries to keep you from further harm as you get tools to realize what you are dealing with, and direction with Hope, first for yourself, and then for your relationship. I listed in previous email 3 books that have helped me this past year. When speaking with a counselor they must have training in sex addiction therapy to be of any help… this is not ordinary marriage issues. Help is becoming known for Canadians finally, with Sex Addiction Therapists for the Addict and the partner, separately, as it occurred in most cases long before they met you. You didn’t create it, can’t control it, nor can you cure it. Only the Addicted one can with much effort. Live with relief of what you are dealing with and know where to get help. Dig for it, as one digs for treasure! You will begin to find yourself and God in the midst of this huge trial. Thinking & praying for Ones Carrying this burden.

  • D.P.Boesen says:

    I feel like Mary Carol up here; sort of similar situation which sometimes leave me so lonely and miserable because of lack of intimacy in our marriage. This is a very lonely road for a woman to be on and nobody can help you; its your battle; prayed a lot about the situation.

  • Chris.a says:

    Just a quick remark. As a male dealing with this currently… trust me when i say its not my wifes fault. She is a model in my eyes and i love her. In my case, stress both work and other problems have put my ego or mood in a situation that has no desire to be intimate. And laying in bed next to her as she gets irritated or sad really hurts. The 1 thing that we might be able tocontroll has failes us as well. I still have not found the solution to my work problems so im still stuck in my dry mood. But i have foubd that talking to her helps her understand that its really not her. Its just me. Well thats my 2 cents. Wish me luck in overcoming my pwrsonal problems so my sex life gets back on track.

  • Chris says:

    mary carol…. i regret to hear of your struggles. its true that 1 corinthians 7 does expect that each marriage partner does render to the other the due act of sexual intimacy so as you pray about this, jesus will show you what your options are if your husband refuses to do his part. its true that with age the sexual desire can diminish but your husband could be taking some type of natural supplement to help his situation if that is the case. praying jesus lead you in this situation and show you what is his righteousness for you. he will always defend you in a just cause! luke 18, lamentations 3

  • Mary Carol —

    It’s normal to feel angry when you are being cheated out of the sex and intimacy you signed up for in your marriage. Anger is a good tool for knowing when your boundaries are being crossed, but it’s not an effective tool at making the changes you need to make.

    Start ruling out reasons for his lack of interest in intimacy. The ones I see most often are low testosterone and porn use. Rule those in or out first and then go from there.

    A blood test will rule out low testosterone, and asking for transparency with his devices can help reveal any porn use that may be happening.

    I’ve been where you are and I know how painful it is when your husband doesn’t want you. It really is possible to make changes.

    Best of luck to you.

  • Mary Carol says:

    My faith has been very shaken by the lack of intimacy in my 35 year marriage. My husband has no interest at all. We haven’t been physically intimate in 18 years. I am still very sad and at times angry and tempted to seek intimacy elsewhere. I do not believe that anything anyone writes could change the way I feel.

  • Elkay says:

    Sarah, it certainly is a blessing to have a providing husband that you are able to take trips together. Since all was “perfect” for your first year and it apparently changed at year two, there has to be something that is different. As the article above says, “there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem.”

    I know you said he does not want to talk, but tell him you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Approach it as a team.

    Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy, emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.

    If you can show him that you love him unconditionally, permanently, and loyally, prayerfully over time, he will respond in kind. Marriage best works when unselfish loves flows to and from one another as we receive God’s love for us.

    Prayerfully then, “Majestic and Heavenly Father, You placed the stars in the heavens and laid the foundation of this earth. Nothing is impossible for You and so we come to Your throne of grace to find mercy and help in our times of trouble. Lord, You created marriage as a sacred institution so that man and woman could bind together, become one in Your eyes, reflect Your image and worship You. Please help Sarah and her husband know that marriage is a decision to be committed to one another no matter what, and out of that commitment, help her husband be openly receptive to her efforts to restore intimacy between them. Whatever the issue, Lord, please identify it and resolve it in grace. We ask for this in the powerful name of Jesus. Amen.”

  • Sarah says:

    We being married for 3 years.on the first year everything was perfect.But now we haven’t had sex in 2 years.when I ask him he is saying he doesn’t know the reason.he is a good husband provide every needs.we are going trips.sometimes we are staying at the hotels.but nothing .he doesn’t even kiss me.he doesn’t even want to talk about it. Any advice?

  • Aldo says:

    Rebecca, thank you for sharing that bit of important information. I pray that it reach many of those who need to know it.

  • If your husband has stopped wanting sex, have him check his testosterone levels. Testosterone is one of the biggest drivers of libido, and when it goes south, so does sex drive.

    When my husband stopped wanting sex with me, I was convinced that it was my fault and I turned myself inside out to fix the problem.

    After a lot of tears and angst, it turned out that it was just that his testosterone levels had gone down. All of that grief for nothing!

    Low testosterone is a lot more common than most people realize, and it’s easy enough to check testosterone levels. You can go to any walk-in lab, often without even needing a doctor’s orders, and for around $50, you can have your answer.

    Once my husband restored his testosterone levels, we got back the sex life and intimacy we used to have. We’ve never been closer than we are now.

  • Charley says:

    Call the helpline your life if important.

  • Aldo says:

    Julie, thank you for all the research you have done, and for all the information you have shared with those on this Blog site. I’m sure that many will be helped if they search out that which you have made available.

    May the Lord continue to use you mightily as you reach out to those that are hurting from sexual addiction.

  • Julie says:

    I am saddened by every woman’s comments and also Bryan’s, on the distress in our marriages. I am also disappointed that there is little info. being said about Sex Addiction and the christian resources, as well as videos that can be extremely helpful to bringing validation to our souls! I have been married for 30 years this past May but separated now – my husband left me for the 2nd time on Family Day – Feb. 16th, 2015(1st time was 15 yrs. ago for almost 2 years). I only knew my husband for 9 months when we got married,we saved selves for marriage and the sexual rejection, abandonment and betrayals began on the 2nd day of a 3 day honeymoon. My christian faith kept me loyal, committed and also a rescuer/fixer as I was the only one working on relationship and giving love w/very minimal return. In 30 yrs. he initiated less than 10x. Many counsellors, but he never followed through for long; shame was involved in his perceptions of self,but the secretive life and much lying was compounded, then he began raging for last 3 yrs. as I was healing in value for myself & had counselling for myself for several yrs. His anger was accelerated and I felt I was dying inside,but still committed. When he left I finally went to a women’s shelter and other resources and have much better clarity. I was told I was profoundly neglected for the entire 30yrs.,had poor
    boundaries,& was typical battered woman – it is emotional abuse; the comments from all the wounded people are real & match symptoms of sex addiction that spouse has (women can have this too, and it’s growing apparently. My exp. has been – husband is sexual anorexic cycles…withholding all affection,masterbation,shame,shutdown…then again. Periods of shutdown to me were 2 months and up to 2yrs.of rejection. This is empowerment of control by spouse,and there’s much in books to feel understood amongst the crazy-making they can inflict onto spouse. I found out good info.15 years ago when he left 1st time – from Douglas Weiss-The Final Freedom(Pioneering Sexual Addiction Recovery)by Douglas Weiss (a Christian man);Out of the Shadows and another – Sexual Anorexia-by Patrick J.Carnes Ph.D. He was a pioneer to putting a name to what no one seemed to understand in the 1980’s. One I am reading now by Patrick Carnes is “The Betrayal Bond” which is extremely helpful to uncover where other betrayals have been in one’s life, and breaking free from exploitive relationships.

    There is usually some level of molestation or trauma, or eyes opened to porn @ too young of age that can be in the person’s younger years. PORN’S effects of over-stimulation& masterbation becomes an addiction,whereby the person eventually is unable to perform with real people intimacy; rather it is only the fantacy/masterbation that suffices,thereby canceling normal intimacy patterns in healthy ways. There is much hidden, including anger,&hard to know who the partner really is. I am in a valuable closed grp. of women for a 12 week class of healing for us as Partners of those sexually addicted…sexual addiction is really not to do with sex – rather the witholding/withdrawing of intimacy and affection. It’s a serious,intimacy disorder. Please be informed,seek validation, in order to heal. It is still widely misunderstood
    & I am hoping that this blog and mentors will benefit from up to date info that can be passed on…I needed these resources of knowledge 30yrs ago, so I’m passing it on -read,learn,grow,heal! If you live near Calgary – there is a group after Christmas you may join. Other helpful books are:
    Overcoming Passive-Agression (How to stop hidden anger from spoiling your relationships&Happiness – Tim Murphy,PHD and Loriann Hoff Oberlin.
    An Affair of the Mind (One woman’s courageous battle to salvage her family from the devastation of pornography) – Laurie Hall
    3 books used for Closed Group, Calgary: Intimate Treason(Healing the trauma for partners confronting sex addiction – Claudia Black,PhD,
    Cara Tripodi, LCSW. Stop Sex Addiction(Real hope, true freedom for sex addicts & partners – Milton S. Magness. Your Sexually Addicted Spouse (How partners can cope & heal) – Barbara Steffens, PhD,LPCC and Marsha Means, MA.

    Finally W5, a Canadian Program had a 30 minute segment (Oct.3/15)on The devastation of Porn in our society-spoke to 12yr.boy & one man (Gabe in his 20’s)on the effects of hard-core porn on the brain (overloads brain with Dopamine)&how young men are exposed by porn’s agenda how to see young women – using violence & degration as a norm to young minds. I will try to get links for those interested in healing and true transformation – it is certainly helping my life, and the sense of God’s direction – restoration & beauty for ashes. May we know the richness of the Savior’s Love for his Beloved! He desires and delights in us, and will NEVER leave us! Amen.

  • Chris says:

    bryan…sorry to hear you are struggling…its so true that mens and womens differences within the marriage can cause difficulties for both parties so many times. being that we are so different, God must have something special in mind to put together two so very opposite types of people. i believe if we read the bible we can see how God wants to teach the husband how to love his wife unconditionally even as jesus does his church. at the same time, 1 corinthians 7 shows that the sexual unión is important also to maintain active in marriage. my suggestion would be for you to first of all, give your heart and life to jesus christ who made you and designed marriage for you so you can understand what his personal plan for you really is. you can find out how to start your own personal and saving relationship with christ by logging onto or by clicking talk to a mentor above. my prayer for you is that you see beyond your marriage circumstances to what it is jesus is trying to convey and teach you. blessings!!

  • Bryan says:

    Please excuse all grammar and punctuality errors from my recent post As I am writing this from my smartphone

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