Profile: Catherine
Spiritual snapshot
Facing my “ugly self”
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t talk to God. Maybe this had something to do with the fact that believing in God and going to church were just a natural thing in my family’s daily life.
I like my life as it is now. The thing is that I definitely did not like my life as an adolescent. I didn’t like me. That kind of spoiled things, because wherever I went in life, no matter how perfect and pleasant the outward circumstances, there would be this “ugly self” tagging along for the ride.
And it wasn’t that my life was so bad: I had a stable home life, some good friends, a few interests and hobbies, and good marks at school . . . everything looked perfectly normal on the outside. But on the inside I was looking for liberation from that “ugly self.”
Once for swimming lessons, I had to swim lengths of the pool with my jeans on in order to build up stamina. I thought I was going to drown. The weight of those wet jeans pulling me down was almost intolerable. Carrying around my nasty inner self was kind of like that.
There was a side of my personality that not many people saw – a self-defensive posture that was cynical, sullen, and caustic. It was a side of myself that I did not like very much and that frankly disturbed me. I kept it under wraps for the most part, but once in a while that really dark part of Catherine would slip out of the leash and make an embarrassing appearance in public.
Then God intervened. The Lord looked down and he was not impressed by my religious veneer. If I were to be honest about it, neither was I.
By the time I was 16, I still had the basic question even though I had grown up in a church of: “How do you do this Christian thing? Show me because I can’t do it myself.” I had tried to do all the right things. It felt hollow and unsatisfying. It just wasn’t real. I was playing a role. Underneath all of the external layers of pretty wrapping paper, there was still this “ugly self.” I tried to change, but I found that I couldn’t. Not really. Not at the deepest level where the real you lives.
I knew that God loved me with my head. I had always known that. But I wanted to experience God’s love. I wanted to be me, but a different me – not the ugly or sardonic me. I got to a place when I was 16 where I started to be more honest and to express these thoughts and desires to God.
God answered my prayers. I met Jesus. It wasn’t exactly the Jesus that I had known from Sunday school days. That Jesus was more like a two dimensional flannelgraph Jesus that I had become acquainted with during my childhood. This Jesus moved into my life. He took up residence and I really started to know him.
Some things changed in an instant. The Bible talks about our citizenship being transferred instantaneously from the kingdom of darkness to the kingdom of light. For me there was a soul transaction through a prayer of confessing my rebellion against God and acceptance of the new life he was offering me.
Some things have changed over a lifetime. There has been a gradual unfolding of the “new self.” There is real, ongoing, progressive change that I know does not come from my own impotent efforts at reformation. It comes from God.
This does not mean that I don’t have momentary relapses into the “old self” and into the old way of “being me.” What it does mean is that overall there is a new direction for my life, a new destination and a new companion along the way.
Knowing Jesus has enabled me to live a life which is much more authentic, where the inside matches the outside and where I don’t have to be afraid to reveal my weaknesses and faults. As a result, I am a much more whole person and certainly a much more contented individual.
Personality snapshot
The proverbial introvert
I am basically an anti-social introverted recluse tied by marriage to one of the world’s greatest extroverts. My chosen vocation has also obligated me to engage in people-intensive activities for most of my career. Some days I would just rather not show up. Is there a button that you can push to “unsubscribe” yourself from life?
I consider myself to be a homebody even though I have spent some of the most important and enjoyable bits of my life in rather remote reaches of the earth such as Guyana, Honduras, France, Belgium, Togo, Cuba, and the Philippines. Note to self: I must learn not to over pack!
Learning Curve Snapshot
Kids: Don’t have to like them, just love them
Having kids later in life has been one of the best things that ever happened to me. Funny. I was never a “kid” type person until I had my own two munchkins. I cannot honestly say that I “adore children” after becoming a parent, but I think that it is fair to say that I “adore my children”. When my husband and I were going through pre-marital counseling, a wise pastor said to us about having children, “They bring the love with them.” I have found that this is true. Had I understood this principle earlier on in life, it might have relieved a lot of worry and false guilt.
Raising kids has been harder than I ever imagined, but , at the same time, it has been more rewarding than I could ever have dreamed. Fortunately, I am married to one of the world’s greatest husbands. I don’t know how I would do it without being married him. (Some days, especially when there is a lot of screaming and whining going on, he forgets that this is his official designation. Then I forget to remind him. It can get really ugly after that.)