Quality Time

Written by Beth Scholes

We all feel loved in different ways, this study focuses on the love language called Quality Time. Time and undivided attention mean a lot. This study will look at why quality time is so important and what it really means to spend quality time together. We will look at what the key components are to a good conversation. You will learn the important points of being a good listener and a good talker. All these things are important to the love language of quality time. Learn how to love your spouse through quality time in this study based on principles from Gary Chapman’s popular book The Five Love Languages.

“Where are you? I never get to see you.” These words can often be heard from someone you love whose love language may be quality time. Spending time with those we love is so important, yet for those who this is their love language, it means feeling loved. This is not only important, but absolutely essential for their emotional wellness and feeling loved.

Three important things to remember about quality time are:
1) One of you wants to do it.
2) The other is willing.
3) Both of you know the reason for doing it – to express love by being together.

Quality time together ends with the feeling, “he/she cares about me, he/she is willing to do something with me that I enjoy; and he/she did it with a positive attitude. That is love.” Quality time focuses on togetherness, focused attention, and quality conversations.

Next in the Series: Receiving Gifts

1. What are some of your favorite memories as a child? Do these memories reflect someone spending time with you? Think about that feeling and bring it forward to now. More thoughts...
We all need time with those we love, but for some people it goes beyond just that basic need and is key in filling the emotional love tank with those closest to you. It is the difference between enjoying time and needing that time to really feel loved.
2. When you and your spouse spend time together do you give each other undivided attention? Is togetherness your primary goal? Explain your answer. More thoughts...
Some couples think they are spending time together because they are in the same proximity. Just because you are in the same house or room does not mean you are together. In order to be together you need focused attention on each other. Both of you engaging in the same activity together is the key.
3. Why is quality time important emotionally? More thoughts...
The activity is not the most important thing, for those whose primary language is quality time. The important thing is being together. Spending time together in a common pursuit communicates that we care about each other and therefore fills an emotional need. Enjoying each other and doing things together.
4. What are some things your spouse would like you to do together? Think back over the years and remember some of the things they have mentioned previously, make a list. More thoughts...
You need to decide what to do, there are hints for you in what you spouse has requested and has brought up over the years. Creating the above list helps you identify what the other person would enjoy and gives you a starting point. Also, you can go back and remember what you have done in the past and reuse those ideas again.
5. How can you communicate to your spouse about quality time? More thoughts...
Communicating is very important, if you are recognizing that either you or your spouses’ primary language is quality time, you need to talk about it. If you are the one, you need to tell your spouse and let them know what makes you feel loved. Take time to sit and talk, do things you enjoy without the cell phone, and kids interrupting.
6. What are some important parts of a quality conversation when you spend time together? More thoughts...
Listen and do not always try to problem solve, unless asked to do so. Marriage is a relationship, not a project to complete. Really focus on listening to what is being said and the emotion in the moment, instead of focusing on speaking. Give advice only if asked to do so. Learning to listen is a REALLY important part of communicating well with each other.
7. Can you create a checklist of tips for good listeners when spending quality time together? More thoughts...
: 1.) Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking. That will help you to focus on what is being said. 2.) Focus on undivided attention. Don’t try to do two things at once. This time is set aside for your spouse. 3.) Listen for feelings. What emotion is your spouse trying to express? Then confirm what you heard. 4.) Observe body language. We communicate so much more through physical expression, than simply words. 5.) Do not interrupt. Listen to their ideas and thoughts without interruption. This communicates that you care.
8. How can you be a better talker? More thoughts...
Self revelation is an important part of talking. This includes thoughts and feelings as well as events. Many people learned to deny their feelings during childhood based on responses from the parent. Over time self expression has been repressed. This makes it harder to connect in marriage as the spouse doesn’t really get to know the others’ intimate thoughts and feelings. There is a vast difference between thoughts, feelings, and events. For more work on this make a chart and write on the chart, a list of feelings, like anger, disappointment, happy, frustrated, excited. Put under another column thoughts, like I think that was stupid, or he was wrong. Under a third column write a list of events. For example: If a car is tailgating you and you become angry and call the guy an idiot. Tailgating is the event, angry is the feeling, (based on fear of getting hurt), the guy is an idiot is your thought or opinion. Good conversation includes all of the above. Thoughts and emotions lead to decisions. So it is important to be able to identify your thoughts and emotions clearly, so you can be in control of your decisions.
9. Do you have any additional thoughts or comments on this study? Please feel free to ask any question you may have.
10. Do you have any prayer requests? Prayer is a great source of help from a loving caring God and His son Jesus. We’d be happy to pray with you and for you. More thoughts...
Millions of people around the world turn to prayer and the Bible as a source of help when dealing with difficult situations. Both offer comfort and the realization that you are not alone in this - there is hope and help. Remember, God is the ultimate source of help and He loves you just as you are. Philippians 4:6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
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