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I Have Needs
In the classic book, His Needs, Her Needs author Willard E. Harley Jr. suggests there are 10 needs that are common in relationships. If the top 4 or 5 needs are not met in the relationship the person will seek to have them met elsewhere! That’s why Harley’s subtitle is “Building an Affair Proof Marriage.”
1. Sexual Fulfillment: Sexual availability and responsiveness.
2. Recreational Companionship: Involvement in activities that you both enjoy.
3. Attractive Spouse: The attractiveness of your spouse makes you feel great.
4. Domestic support: Creation of a peaceful and well-managed home.
5. Admiration: Desire to be respected, valued and appreciated.
6. Affection: Thoughtful expression of care.
7. Conversation: Characterized by information, mutual interest, dialogue and full attention.
8. Honesty and Openness: Open conversation about thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, personal history, and plans for the future.
9. Financial Support: Financial security.
10. Family Commitment: Active in the development of the children.
Action: Pick your top five. Give the list to your spouse/partner and ask them to do the same. Sit together and talk about your list. Talk about how they are being met. Talk about the areas that still need some attention. Review the list in a month to track your progress as a couple.
Dr. Harley’s Basic Concept Summary
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It looks like my husband and I have 4 of the same top needs. Is that normal?
In the book Harley suggests that men and women then to have very different top needs but in my experience with couples it is not uncommon for couples to have over lapping needs.
As an author once wisely said Sue, ‘normal is only a setting on a dryer’. In our lives, and especially in relationships I don’t think there is really anything normal. We are all unique individuals and such our relationships are also unique. If your top needs are the same you are blessed indeed since you will understand those very well.