Dynamic Sex: Unlocking the Secret to Love
“How can I get the most out of sex? How can I have a fulfilling love life?” University students worldwide ask these questions. Why? Because both pleasure and emotional fulfillment are important facets of sex.
Sex is often on our minds. According to two psychologists at the universities of Vermont and South Carolina, 95% of people think about sex at least once each day.{1} You might wonder, “You mean that 5% of the people don’t?”
One way not to have a dynamic sex life is to concentrate solely on technique. There is certainly nothing wrong with learning sexual technique–especially the basics–but technique by itself is not the answer.
A good relationship is important for good sex. Psychiatrist and bestselling author Anthony Pietropinto and coauthor Jacqueline Simenauer write, “When emotional issues involving anger or a need to control are encountered on the road to sexual fulfillment, the journey is interrupted until these conflicts are resolved.”{2}
Many sex therapists agree that great technique does not guarantee great sex. They emphasize that the qualities that contribute to a successful sex life are the same ones that contribute to a successful interpersonal relationship. Qualities like love, commitment and communication.
[Read the next article in the series: Our Sex Life Has Gone Cold]
Consider love
As popular speaker and author Josh McDowell points out, those romantic words, “I love you,” can be interpreted several different ways. One meaning is “I love you if–if you go out with me…if you are lighthearted…if you stay committed to me…if you sleep with me.” This type of love is given on the basis of what the other person does. Another meaning is “I love you because–because you are attractive…strong…intelligent.” This type of love is given on the basis of what the other person is. Both types of love must be earned.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved for what you are, but problems can arise with having “if” or “because of” love as the basis of a relationship. Jealousy can set in when someone who is more attractive or more intelligent appears and the partner’s attention shifts to the newcomer. People who know they are loved only for their strong points may be afraid to admit any weaknesses to their partners. This dishonesty can affect the relationship.
The best love
The best kind of love is unconditional. This love says, “I love you, period. I love you even if someone better looking comes along, even with your faults and even if you change. I place your needs above my own.”
One young couple was engaged to be married. Their popularity, intelligence, good looks and athletic success made their future together seem bright. Then the young woman was in a skiing accident that left her paralyzed for life. Her fiancé deserted her.
Portrayed in the popular film, “The Other Side of the Mountain,” this true story was certainly complex. But was his love for her “love, period”? Or was it love “if” or love “because of”? Unconditional love (or “less-conditional,” because none of us is perfect) is an essential building block for a lasting relationship.
You can probably see how unconditional love can help a sexual relationship in a marriage. In order for sex to be most fulfilling, it should be experienced in an atmosphere of caring and acceptance. Sex, viewed in this manner, becomes not a self-centered performance but a significant expression of mutual love.
Mutual commitment
Another quality necessary for a strong relationship and dynamic sex is commitment. If two people are completely committed to each other, their relationship is strengthened. Without mutual commitment, neither will be able to have the maximum confidence that the relationship is secure. The fear may exist that, should they encounter a trial, the other may not be there for support. This can erode their bond.
Total, permanent commitment is important in sex, too. It brings security to each partner. It frees them from feeling they have to strive to keep from losing the other and releases them to enjoy one another. It can be an important result of and expression of unconditional love. Commitment helps to breed satisfaction.
Communication
A third quality essential for a strong relationship and dynamic sex is communication. Even if partners have mutual love and commitment, they need to communicate this to each other by what they say and do. If a problem arises, they need to talk it out and forgive rather than give each other the silent treatment and stew in their juices. As one sociology professor expressed it, “Sexual foreplay involves the ’round-the-clock relationship.” Communication affects your total life; your total life affects sex. Couples need to communicate about their hopes, dreams, fears and hurts as well as the daily details of life in order for the relationship to flourish.
Sex is a form of communication. You can bet that if partners are harboring resentment or not communicating appropriately, it shows in their sex life. Psychologists, sex researchers and textbook authors Albert Richard Allgeier and Elizabeth Rice Allgeier note that “a substantial number of sexual problems could be resolved if people felt free to communicate with their sexual partners…about their sexual feelings….”{3}
So, how can you have a dynamic sex life? By developing the same qualities that contribute to a strong relationship: unconditional love, total and permanent commitment and clear, meaningful communication. These qualities combine to help produce a maximum oneness and bring the greatest pleasure.
To this point I have been saying that sex is designed to work best within a happy marriage. “But,” you ask, “what about premarital sex?” This is, of course, a very controversial topic. While wanting to convey respect for those who differ, I would recommend that couples wait until marriage before having sexual relations. Why? Consider three reasons.
Why wait?
1. Practicality
First, there is a practical reason for waiting. Premarital sex can detract from a strong relationship and a dynamic sex life. All too often, premarital sex ends up a self-seeking, self-gratifying experience. After intercourse, one partner might be saying “I love you” while the other is thinking “I love it.”Very often premarital sex occurs in the absence of total and permanent commitment. This can bring insecurity into the relationship. Both short–and long–range problems can result, especially with the breakdown in trust. For instance, while the couple is unmarried, there can always be the nagging thought, “If s/he’s done it with me, whom else have they slept with?” After they marry, one might think, “If that person was willing to break a standard with me before we married, how do I know they won’t now that we are married?” Doubt and suspicion can chip away at their relationship. Poor communication, poor sex.
Premarital sex can also inhibit communication. Each might wonder, “How do I compare with my lover’s other partners? Does s/he tell them how I perform in bed?” Or perhaps they think, “Should I be totally honest and vulnerable and share my heart with this person when I don’t know if they’ll be around tomorrow? Can I entrust all of me to them if I don’t have all of them for me? There will be part of me emotionally that I’ll hold back.” Each becomes less open; communication dwindles. And poor communication makes for poor sex. Bad feelings result, communication deteriorates and so does the relationship. In short, premarital sex can put people at a disadvantage because it can lessen their chances to experience maximum oneness and pleasure.
One young woman at Arizona State University expressed it like this: “I understand what you’re saying about unity or oneness. I’ve had several premarital sexual experiences with different men. After each one, I’ve felt like I’ve left a part of myself with that person emotionally. What you’re saying is that it makes sense for a person to save themself so they can give themself completely to their spouse.”
2. Argument of abstinence
There is a second reason for waiting: None of the arguments for premarital sex are strong enough. Of course, it’s always easy to rationalize in the heat of passion and say it’s right. But that is why it is important to decide beforehand–to think with your brain instead of your glands. Consider several common arguments.{4}
- The statistical argument: “Everyone else is doing it.” Oh, no, they’re not! Some studies have shown high statistics, but never one that says 100%. Besides, even if “everyone else” were doing it, that is a lousy reason for doing anything. Suppose 90% of your friends developed ulcers. Would you try to emulate them? Should you? This is not to equate sex with sickness. The point is that just because “everyone else is doing it” doesn’t make it advisable or right. You need a better reason.
- The biological argument: “Sex is a biological need, like the drive for food, air and water. When I have the impulse, it needs to be satisfied.” You can’t live without food, air or water. Believe it or not, you can live without sex. (It’s been documented.)
- The contraceptive argument: “Modern contraceptives have removed the fear of pregnancy.” Don’t kid yourself. There’s always a chance of pregnancy. No contraceptive is 100% foolproof. Even many marital pregnancies are unintended. A lot of married couples have had “little surprises.”Even with all the modern contraceptives, there are one million teenage pregnancies in the U.S. each year.{5} And if one chooses abortion as a “solution,” there can still be emotional scarring and, for many people, a guilt burden. Incidentally an estimated 55 million people in the U.S.–about one in five–have a sexually transmitted disease (STD). Each year there are twelve million new STD infections in the U.S.{6}–an average of over 20 new cases every minute.About 6,000 people around the globe become infected with HIV daily. {7} In the U.S., AIDS is the leading killer of people ages 25 to 44, according to the Centers for Disease Control.{8} So-called “safe sex” is not really safe at all. Condoms can slip, break and leak.{9} Johns Hopkins University reports research on HIV transmission from infected men to uninfected women in Brazil. The study took pains to exclude women at high risk of contracting HIV from sources other than their own infected sex partners. Of women who said their partners always used condoms during vaginal intercourse, 23% became HIV-positive.{10}
- The hedonistic argument: “But it feels so good when I do it–and afterward, too!” The question is, “How long after?” What feels good for a few seconds may leave you feeling miserable for years. Self-fulfillment is hard to come by without self-respect. Also, don’t forget the other person. Sometimes one partner’s pleasure is another partner’s misery. How would you like being used as nothing more than someone else’s pleasure machine? Basketball superstar Magic Johnson shocked much of the world when he announced he was HIV-positive. Now married and an advocate for premarital abstinence, Johnson recalls that his former sexploits–a parade of one-night stands–left him empty: “I was the loneliest guy on the face of the earth….I didn’t have anybody to share with who loved me for me. For Earvin (his given name, i.e., his real self), not for Magic (the sports legend).”{11}
- The experiential argument: “Practice makes perfect and I do want to please my partner when I do marry.” As previously mentioned, communication and commitment–not just technique–are keys to dynamic sex. Why not learn with your own spouse–together–instead of on someone else’s wife or sister or husband or brother? Remember, too, that good sexual adjustment takes time, love and understanding.
- The compatibility argument: “We need to experiment to see if we’re sexually compatible, especially since marriage is such a big step.” Some express it like this: “You try on a pair of shoes before you buy them!” The “try-before-you-buy” idea breaks down because the human plumbing system is very flexible and almost always works. Again, premarital sex can erode trust and communication. It’s wiser to test your compatibility as persons. Even happily married couples often need several years to adjust sexually to each other. Besides, sex can cloud the issue. Sex is not the key to love. Love is the key to sex. Couples who approach marriage thinking that “We’re in love so it’s OK to have sex” or “We’ll use sex to determine if we’re in love” may be sorely disappointed. They may discover that what they thought was love is only charged-up sex sensations. Waiting until marriage does not guarantee that you’ll be emotionally compatible, but it does help create a less confusing environment in which to find out before you take the step of a marriage commitment.
- The marital argument: “If we’re really in love and plan to get married, why all the fuss over the license and date?” Plans don’t always end up in reality. (Chances are you know someone–perhaps yourself–who suffered a broken engagement.) The public declaration at a wedding can be an important evidence of commitment. Why? It takes a certain level of conviction to be able to state a commitment publicly. Affirming marriage vows in public helps give each partner greater assurance that each really means it. It can also act as a deterrent to future departure. The desire not to be publicly perceived as a promise-breaker can help dissuade partners from seeking supposed “greener grass.” Of course a wedding is no guarantee one won’t leave in the future, but it can be a preventive.
3. Moral reasoning
Third, there is a moral reason for waiting. According to biblical perspective, God clearly says to wait.{12} You might be thinking, “See, I told you God didn’t want me to have any fun.” Many people think this initially, then they realize that the reason God, as a loving parent, gives negative commands is for our own good. He wants us to experience something better!Waiting until marriage can help you both have the confidence, security, trust and self-respect that a solid relationship needs. “I really like what you said about waiting,” said a recently married young woman after a lecture at Sydney University in Australia. “My fiancé and I had to make the decision and we decided to wait.” (Each had been sexually active in other previous relationships.) “With all the other tensions and stress of engagement, sex would have been just another worry. Waiting till our marriage before we had sex was the best decision we ever made.”
The greatest aid
One final concept that is perhaps the greatest aid to fulfilling sex concerns relating as a total person. Human lives have three dimensions: Physical, mental and spiritual. If communication on any of these levels in a marriage is missing, the relationship is incomplete.
Some are surprised to learn that sex and spirituality can mix well. A highly-acclaimed University of Chicago study of sex in America found that among women, conservative Protestants were those most likely to report they always had an orgasm during intercourse. While that finding does not prove causation, the high correlation between spiritual commitment and sexual pleasure prompted the researchers to note that the image of Christians as sexually repressed may be a myth.{13}
Certainly biblical writers support a healthy view of sexuality. For example the Hebrew Song of Solomon, a beautiful and passionate love story, has been called one of the best sex manuals ever written.
Consider this perspective: Relating on a spiritual level centers around the most unique person of history, Jesus of Nazareth. Evidence backs up His claim to be God{14} and as God what He offers can affect everyone in a personal way, including the area of sex.
One first century follower of Jesus described the quality of love He offers: “Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered…bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails….” {15} What man or woman would not want to love or be loved like that?
The power source
During His time on earth, Christ explained that everyone is born physically alive but spiritually dead. In order to properly relate on a spiritual level, He said, one must be spiritually reborn.{16} He later rose physically from the dead to make this new life possible. Jesus offers a life that has power. Power for living, power to love others less conditionally, power for self-control in one’s sex life. Even after having experimented with premarital sex, one can find in God the strength to stop, to resist future temptation and to wait for one’s life partner.
Jesus also offers forgiveness from every wrong–no matter what–that we’ve ever done because He died on the cross in our place, bearing the punishment we deserved. Anyone can be completely forgiven if he or she will come to Christ. God can cleanse a person’s mind of all past guilt. He can restore the freedom of mutual love and trust in a relationship.
All you need to do to begin this spiritual journey is simply to believe that Christ died for you, ask for and accept the forgiveness He offers, and invite the living Christ into your life.
It’s saying in faith, “Jesus Christ, I need You. Thanks for dying for me. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior. Give me the fulfilling life You promised.”
Christ’s entry into your life will enable you to begin living with an added spiritual dimension and to have eternal life.{17} As you grow in your new relationship with Him, you’ll find your attitudes and actions changing and becoming more fulfilling. Life certainly won’t become perfect. There will still be struggles and discouragements, but you’ll have a new Friend to help you through. The maturing Christian experiences the most challenging and rewarding life possible.
Two marriage partners having growing relationships with God will grow closer to each other: spirit to spirit, mind to mind, body to body. Their love, commitment and communication will become increasingly dynamic, and so will their sex.
If you prayed this prayer, we’d love to hear from you.
Notes
1. Kathleen Kelleher, “Entertaining Fantasies? Don’t Worry, Everyone’s Doing It,” Los Angeles Times, August 15, 1995, E1. She cites Harold Leitenberg of the University of Vermont and Kris Henning, “now at the University of South Carolina Medical School.”
2. Anthony Pietropinto, M.D. and Jacqueline Simenauer, Not Tonight, Dear, New York: Doubleday, 1990, p. 79.
3. Albert Richard Allgeier, Ph.D. and Elizabeth Rice Allgeier, Ph.D., Sexual Interactions, Fourth Edition, Lexington (MA): D.C. Heath and Company, 1995, p.236.
4. Most categories and names for these arguments are taken from Jon Buell, “Why Wait Till Marriage?” (lecture outline) and Jim Williams, “The Case for Premarital Chastity” (cassette tape), both produced by Probe Ministries International, Dallas, TX.
5. Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, “The Failure of Sex Education,” The Atlantic Monthly 274:4, October 1994, p. 73.
6. Sandy Rover,”United We Stand: The U.S. Isn’t Alone in Its Ignorance About Sexually Transmitted Diseases,” Los Angeles Times, October 10, 1995, E3. Rover cites as source Peggy Clarke, president of the American Social Health Association.
7. “Speaking Of: World Health,” Los Angeles Times, May 2, 1995, H2; citing “The World Health Report, 1995 — Bridging the Gaps.”
8. Bettijane Levine, “The Changing Face of AIDS,” Los Angeles Times, June 16, 1995, E1.
9. For documentation on condom risks, see the references in Rusty Wright, “Safe Sex?”, Connecticut Medicine 59:5, May 1995, pp. 295-298; reprinted from Lambda Chi Alpha Fraternity’s Cross and Crescent 81:4, Winter 1994-95, pp. 19-21.
10. Mark D.C. Guimaraes, et al., “HIV Infection among Female Partners of Seropositive Men in Brazil,” American Journal of Epidemiology 142:5, 1995, pp. 538-547.
11. Bruce Newman, “The Business of Being Magic Johnson,” Los Angeles Times Magazine, September 10, 1995, p. 35.
12. I Corinthians 6:18, I Thessalonians 4:3.
13. Robert T. Michael, et al., Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, Boston: Little, Brown and Company, 1994, pp. 127-130.
14. Josh McDowell and Bill Wilson (ed.), A Ready Defense, San Bernardino (CA): Here’s Life Publishers, 1990, pp. 187-267.
15. I Corinthians 13:4-8, New American Standard Bible.
16. John 3:1-16.
17. I John 5:11-13.
©1996 Rusty Wright. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
to Gredo please ignore my last comment. forgive me the last comment wasn’t right. the minsters of the word they try their best I am sure they do preach on the whole word of God it is true they don’t preach on the song of song or song of Solomon maybe they don’t know on how to treat that bible book. I know its rare about preaching on it. but I think they try their best I am sure its not easy preaching.– maybe pray for the ministers of the word if you can I know I do Sharon
to Gredo you are right the bible book known as song of songs or the song of Solomon unfortunately Christian churches don’t teach it or very rare do they. you are right too it the truth and it will set us free. reading the whole bible not just portions of what we like. sharon
Many times Christians have shunned talking the truth that is contained in the bible.Books like Solomon is the word of God,but it is rarely taught in church.The truth will always set you free.
Thanks for sharing Brandon. Would you say that your experience matches what the author suggests makes for a fulfilling love life – unconditional love, mutual commitment, honest and vulnerable communication?
I have sex all the time. Thank you!
Kate, I have to call you out. Your comment sort of reminds me of Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s sermon about “cheap grace.” If a person is behaving abusively towards someone else, they should indeed be made to feel guilty! Christ shamed the Pharisees on a regular basis. If a judge sentences a murderer, rapist or wife-beater to prison and makes that person feel guilty, well, good. Maybe they’ll grow something vaguely resembling a conscience.
As for Frustrated’s wife, I agree with SC. No one owes anyone sex. I think divorce might actually be the healthier option in this instance–for the wife. No one should feel blackmailed into having sex when they don’t want to. And I don’t think God failed Frustrated’s wife and decided not to heal her. I think He’s going to ask the other people in her life whether they shirked their duty to help her heal. Putting it all on God is a great way for people to avoid their responsibility to others, when in fact He expects us to be there for them. It’s like the book of Job. The point wasn’t that God made this outrageous bet with the devil and made all this bad stuff happen. The real point was that Job’s friends were selfish, fair-weather jerks.
thank you for the article good one
This is a brilliant article! It is so true about a lack of communication and honesty ruining sexual freedom . Who can enjoy being in the dark with your husband when he leaves you in the dark emotionally mentally and spiritually.
What is sin? Sin is against God, it is disobedience, defiance, ingratitude, rebellion, disdain, all summed up as: unbelief resulting in alienation from God, contempt for God and mistrust that God’s will is our blessing.
When we know Christ, then we recognize OURSELVES as sinners and we understand that FROM which we’ve been redeemed and FOR what we have been redeemed: namely we have been redeemed FOR obedient service to God. If we know OURSELVES to be sinners, redeemed by God, then WE are to SERVE God obediently.
I have never refused my husband sex – well who cares? I have never cheated on my husband – well who cares? It doesn’t mean I am better than anybody else. The only thing we can say, take my hand, let’s go to the cross. We go there again and again, we behold the Lord Jesus crucified for our sake, because of our sin, and we confess afresh our sinnership and our will to serve God.
Let’s never let our self-righteousness come to the forefront. Our so-called righteousness is an abomination. We must always look to Christ. It is HIS righteousness that we aspire to. We must never make people feel guilty about their sin, as it only increases their burden, it is psychological manipulation – the only sin anybody knows is the sin that Jesus has already borne and borne away; ultimately His forgiveness is greater than my guilt.
Reading your last comment made me cringe. You, sir, need to be called out.
“Any woman who claims to be a Christian and then imprisons her husband while providing no sexual outlet is committing a sin against her husband. Such a woman should be called out and not given a pass on this behavior.”
Marriage is not about YOU. Thank God that you didn’t force your wife to have sex, because even in marriage that’s called rape. But also, your wife is free to choose whether she wants to have sex with you! Do I hope that couples do desire to make love to each other? Yes! But where there’s a problem, that’s called a problem, not a sin.
Your wife is a person with feelings, and a past, and reasons for her behaviors. She does not exist as a body for you to pleasure yourself with.
I mean, seriously.
If I was your wife, and I was dealing with the trauma of sexual abuse from the past – and if you met my choice not to have sex right away, with anger and indignant demands that I owed you sex because we were married, what do you think that would achieve? Further negative and traumatic and emotionally abusive associations with sex. No way would I want to get that vulnerable with you. I’d do exactly what your wife did, and close up, shrink away.
Maybe if you’d been interested in *her* needs, and listened with empathy, and loved her, and encouraged her, and suggested you both go to counseling to talk about the issues…
Sex isn’t just flesh on flesh, but a matter of the spirit. Read that somewhere before? Making demands for sex will get you nowhere but, at best, a robotic and resigned body present during your own acts.
Instead of claiming that men should be able to just go find another sex partner (because let’s be honest, this was your issue here above anything else) with the church’s and God’s blessing, why don’t you consider that marriage is holy and not about just sex or just you?
Dear “Frustrated”,
Instead of feeling sorry for yourself that you didn’t “get sex” why don’t you feel sorry for your wife, who was forces to have sex *as a child*.
I mean, really.
Yes, your wife should have let you know there would be some issues around sex for her. But, from the little I can tell about you from your comments, you would have decided not to marry her. Seems like for you, marriage is about you getting sex.
But is that what marriage is about? Really?
Or maybe, is it about an **UNCONDITIONAL** promise, a covenant, a promise made between you and your spouse and the living God, to be there no matter what?
Does no matter what include you not having sex with your wife?
You tell me.
But please don’t go around telling people to “try Christian women out” before they get married! Not only is that disgusting, and a serious debasement of women and of marriage, but most Christian women who aren’t having sex outside of marriage are doing so because they want to live the way God says is best. Myself included. My husband was delighted that I didn’t want to have sex before marriage, because he also wanted to wait. The last thing we need are a load of bullies trying to pressure women into pre-marital sex. If a man is getting married with a condition in the back of his mind – whether this is, unless she becomes paralyzed, or unless she doesn’t want to have sex, or unless she stops believing in God – then this man does not understand what marriage is.
Marriage is not a contract, where you leave if you’re not satisfied. (Abuse is something else altogether – if you are being abused PLEASE talk to someone!). It’s a covenant. That means no matter what.
Guess you forgot that part, even after making the promise to her that you would be there always, for better or for worse.
I appreciate your openness to refine your solution Frustrated. I agree that premarital sex is not the answer. But your fall back position of divorce sounds very similar to what Jesus identified as a ‘hard heart’. He said that the law given by Moses, “If a man marries a woman and she does not please him because he has found something offensive in her, then he may draw up a divorce document, give it to her, and evict her from his house.” (Deuteronomy 24:1) was given because of the hardness of people’s hearts. “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Mark 10:9) It seems to me that God is the active participant in the joining of a husband and wife. You seem to be accusing your wife of conning you into this marriage but Jesus said it was God that brought the two of you together. And read Joseph’s words carefully; he did not say that God turned what the brothers intended for evil into something good but the same verb is used for both the brothers and God–you intended evil, God intended good. So somehow God was an active participant in the actions of the brothers. We know that God does not cause anyone to sin and so the brothers were still responsible for their evil actions, but somehow God had planned all that had happened to Joseph in order to save the children of Israel from the devastating famine that had swept through the entire region.
Now I don’t claim to know the plans and purposes of God for you. I don’t know what He is accomplishing in you from this painful marriage. But I am certain that it is not to make you bitter and angry towards your wife. I know it is not to condemn all Christian women as scammers looking to dupe naive Christian men into sexless marriages. And I am confident it is not to encourage men to have hard hearts and divorce their wives because they offend them somehow. I do know that Jesus intends that you grow more and more into His likeness. I do know that the Spirit of God wants to produce the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. And I do know that as the head of your family you bear a responsibility to love your wife in the same self-sacrificing way that Jesus loves us, His church. I know that is an impossible task for you, just like it is an impossible task for any Christian man. That’s why we need Jesus to transform us so that we can fulfill that calling and “to sanctify her by cleansing her with the washing of the water by the word, so that he may present the church to himself as glorious – not having a stain or wrinkle, or any such blemish, but holy and blameless.” (Ephesians 5:26-27)
I don’t blame you for being angry and hurt. That is just being human. But I am saying that Jesus has called you to something so much more and your wife needs you to be so much more; and the only way that is going to happen is as you look to Jesus and ask, “What do You want me to do?” and then follow where He leads you as He gives you the strength to do it.
Heavenly Father, I pray for my brother as ask for the impossible: that You take the very natural understandable hurt and anger, and replace it with Your love and nurturing. Heal the broken dreams that he has given up on. Inspire him with the possibilities of You transforming power. Strengthen him with Your Spirit to endure whatever comes his way and still be able to reflect the perfect righteousness of Your Son Jesus.
And I again pray for his wife that she would see the active presence of Jesus in her husband and would see him in a new way. I pray that You would kindle a passionate love within her for her husband that would find its expression in the joining of their flesh together. I pray that through the change she sees in her husband that she would seek healing for the brokenness in her own heart and that she too would reflect the character of Your Son in every aspect of her life.
Accomplish Your purposes in this family and let their lives bring glory to Your name and be a beacon of hope for people who come in contact with them. In Jesus’ name amen.
Frustrated, I know I am idealistic. I know I see hope in a situation that has been hopeless for many years. But my hope is not based on you, your wife, or my words of advice. It is wholly based on the power of Jesus to do more than we could ever ask or imagine. And so I invite you to look to Him and ask the question, “What do You want me to do?”
Jamie
I don’t think for a second that God caused this or conspired against me in any way. He doesn’t operate like that. But this is a fallen world and bad stuff happens. Did he allow it for a specific purpose? I’m not confident of that either. But I do know that he causes all things to work for the benefit of his children. You mentioned Joseph and I agree with that assessment. Maybe a meteor fell out of the sky and it just happened to hit me. Nothing personal. But that doesn’t prevent God from doing something positive with it.
Part of that, I think, is for me to warn men about what Christian women are routinely doing these days. And pastors need to stop giving these women a pass. It is wrong to put a man in sexual prison and then give him no legitimate means to meet that need. That’s fraud and it is sin. There’s no way around it.
Perhaps sleeping with a woman prior to marriage is not the answer. But men should be free to immediately divorce a woman who has committed fraud against them. Any woman who claims to be a Christian and then imprisons her husband while providing no sexual outlet is committing a sin against her husband. Such a woman should be called out and not given a pass on this behavior. Would Christians say it is ok for a man to stop providing safety for a woman as soon as they are married? Or what if a man decided to no longer speak to his wife? Would that be ok? Of course not! So why is it ok for women to cut off their husbands?
As I stated in an earlier post: Christian women… The time has come to get off the pornography obsession, drop the professional bible study attending and start being wives to your husbands! You don’t want him looking at porn? Then give him an alternative! It is not complicated. Again as I said earlier, your man is not to be looking at porn regardless of what you do or don’t do. I’m just saying don’t make it difficult for him. And don’t buy the lie that your husband needs you swinging from the chandelier so to speak. He most likely does not, even if he has seen porn. What he really wants is the intimacy that comes from accepting him sexually. Again, it is not complicated. Be present, be enthusiastic…. That’s about all he needs. Feel free to get fancy after that but I don’t think most men require it. I know I don’t.
I could never know exactly what it is like to be in your place my friend but I think I have an idea of the pain that you live with.
So what do you do with the fact that God can but has chosen not to heal your wife? Does it fit with His character to arbitrarily make your life miserable? How does that fit with Jesus’ statement that God is so intimately in-tune with your life that He actually knows the number of hairs on your head? Why did God bring the two of you together if He knew your marriage would be so painful? Did you seek God’s guidance when you chose to marry her? Why didn’t He stop you if He knew that she had improper motives?
Could it be that there was something that needs to happen in your life that could only come through being married to this woman? Could it be that God needs you to do something unique in the life of your wife? I admit it is tempting to either accuse God of cruelty or ambivalence but neither of those characteristics seem to fit with who God is. Doesn’t that leave us with the reality that God is using this painful relationship to accomplish something in you or through that can only happen this way? And rather than get being resentful and bitter against your wife wouldn’t it be better to look to God and ask, “What do you want me to do?”
It sounds to me like you have done this angry thing for a while and it hasn’t made your situation any better or made you any more satisfied with your life. I think of Joseph, a man who had every reason to be bitter and angry at his brothers, at life and at God. I am sure there were some days when he was those very things but what we do have recorded for us is his statement to his brothers, “As for you, you meant to harm me, but God intended it for a good purpose, so he could preserve the lives of many people, as you can see this day. ” (Genesis 50:20) So your wife was dishonest in her intentions about marrying you, but who knows what God has intended through all this. Joseph had to face a lot of painful years before he could see the result of his faith in God’s plan. Are you willing to wait for Him to reveal His perfect plan for your life, whatever that may be?
Lord God, I pray for this brother and ask that You would comfort his pain. I know that You are aware of the hurt that he has lived with in 26 years of marriage. You know the anger that this has developed in his heart. He needs Your healing to wash away that anger and replace it with Your love. Give him eyes to see what You are doing in his life and what You are calling him to do in this marriage. Give him the courage to walk in obedience to Your call.
Lord I also pray for his wife. She is Your daughter and yet is not reflecting Your character in her marriage. Soften her heart Lord and give her your eyes to see the pain she is causing her husband and You. Break down her pride and heal the brokenness in her heart that has left her cold to her husband’s love. Amen.
Jamie, thank you for acknowledging my grief. But please don’t misunderstand my suggestion for pre marital sex. It is not to evaluate a woman’s passion or performance. To me that would be pretty darn disrespectful. The reason for the premarital sex is to determine if the woman will accept the man. My pain does not come from my wife’s lack of skill and passion (that is certainly annoying of course) but rather my pain comes from being rejected in the most personal way possible. My wife likes to say when turning me down. ” don’t take it personally” to which I usually indicate it doesn’t get any more personal than that. As I said, Christian women are as a rule untrustworthy. They will do and say just about anything to tie down that nice Christian man do she can then imprison him into forced celibacy. Can God heal these women or my wife? Sure he can. But it appears he chooses not to and that sucks for those of us men who were duped. I really think we need Christian leaders to start letting men immediately how out of a marriage when a wife behaves as mine did. My biggest regret do far in life is not divorcing her the first week we were married. Life would have been so much better for me. But no, thanks to our current pop theology, I stayed hoping and praying the woman I fell inked with would return. But she won’t. She can’t. Because that woman never existed. It was just a ruse to garner the ring, the commitment , house, kids etc. she never wanted me. She wanted the idea of me. And I have brutes the price of her sin for more than 26 years. Do you have any idea how badly that hurts?
You are right Frustrated, Jesus never promised that our lives would be ‘happy happy happy’ when we trust and follow Him. In fact He said that in this world we will have trouble. But He doesn’t leave us there with that; He continues on and says, “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In the world you have trouble and suffering, but take courage – I have conquered the world.” (John 16:33) We are not supposed to be defeated and frustrated because of the trouble that we face in this world. We can have peace and courage. He is there to face all the struggles and pains with us, showing us how to react as He would. Again, that doesn’t mean the trouble all goes away. But it does mean that Jesus’ character will shine through us as we follow Him through the trouble. That’s why Paul writes, “And we all, with unveiled faces reflecting the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another, which is from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” (2Corinthians 3:18) The more we follow Jesus the more we reflect the glory of His nature.
Please hear me, I am not blaming you for the dysfunction in your marriage. But I do think your advice to run away from Christian women unless you first have a chance to sleep with them to see how passionate they are in bed does not reflect the character of Jesus. I am not supporting your wife’s attitude towards you as her husband and if I were talking to her I would be challenging her that neither is she reflecting what God has called her to be as a wife. I wholeheartedly agree with you there.
But I am saying that I serve a Lord who is able to take 5 loaves and 2 fish and feed over 5000 people. I serve a Saviour who is able to say “Peace. Be still.” and instantly calm the storm. I serve a Master who is able to free people from slavery to all manner of evil that holds them in self-destructive captivity and despair. I serve a God who is able to call into existence all that is with the words, “Let there be…” That same Jesus is also able to take the cold heart of your wife and soften it with His love. He is the same Jesus who can place within you a love for your wife no matter how she disappoints you. He is a God of miracles who specializes in changing lives. That’s why I say with great joy and passion, “So then, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; what is old has passed away – look, what is new has come!” (2Corinthians 5:17) He may never change the coldness of your wife, but if you are willing to allow Him, He will change you! He will take your sorrow and turn it to joy. He will take your pain and through it bring healing. He will take your frustration and replace it with “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control” (Galatians 5:21-22)
Jamie –
Mis-quoting Jesus is not helpful. He also said “… pick up your cross daily and follow me”. I have chosen to remain in a marriage to an emotionally and physically frigid woman. This is the cross I must pick up and carry daily. Sorry it doesn’t fit into “Pop Christianity”. I hold out no hope for change. And frankly at this point, if she does change… too little too late. I will never again be vulnerable to her. Why should I? Sure, I need to forgive. But do I need to put myself in a place where I can be emotionally abused? I don’t think so.
I can’t tell you how tired I am of Christians like you. Oh just trust Jesus and everything will be ok, you say. Well that’s bull and anyone living in the real world knows it. Yes, we should trust Jesus. Yes, in the end he will make us whole. But in the mean time, people still suffer. People still die of disease.
The only way to help men like me is for people like you to call out these horrible so called Christian women who trap men into sexless marriages and then demand absolute faithfulness from those me. Call it what it is! It is fraud of the highest order and Christian women need to stop doing it. But as long as people like you put the burden on men to fix everything, nothing will change. Christian women have gotten a complete pass from people like you. They can do and say just about anything they want. They can fraudulently trap men into sexless marriages without a word from people like you. Well, that’s wrong and someone needs to call these women out! I made my choice. I got duped. All I can hope for is to help the next poor sucker avoid this entrapment. Single Christian men out there… don’t even think of marrying a Christian woman you haven’t slept with! Don’t be a fool and trust her. She hasn’t earned that trust. And the Christian community has given her support in committing fraud against you. Run young men, run! Get away while you can!
I can see how you would build up a resentment towards Jesus and the Church from your broken relationship with your wife. I am sure there are many women who could accurately be described by your accusations. But I am not sure that what you describe as the offer of hope from Jesus fits with His statement, “Come to Me all of you who are weary and weighed down; I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) I think Jesus offer of ‘abundant life’ is different from what you are describing.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you need buck up and quit being such a whiner because Jesus loves you. I am not trying to blame you for the situation you are in, but I am sure that Jesus has something more for you than what you are experiencing right now and it is not just about having a wife lovingly invites you into the beauty of sexual intimacy. I know Jesus didn’t address this issue specifically but I think it still fits in with His promise, “Your Father knows you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.” (Matthew 6:32-33) I would be asking Jesus, “What are you trying to do in my life through this? How do you want me to respond to my wife? How can I reflect Your character in this situation?”
I agree that your wife’s way of dealing with you is not healthy. But as her husband you have the privilege of helping her to discover how Jesus can heal the hurt in her and create in your marriage something that is beautiful. Obviously she has to be willing to change but Jesus is a whiz at changing people. He will use you to make that change. And He can make a change in you as well.
Lord God, I pray for this couple and my heart just aches knowing the pain that they are both going through. It is sad to see Your followers who have such animosity towards each other. There needs to be a miracle here. I pray that You would do that miracle in both of their hearts and transform their love into something that bring honour and glory to You. Amen.
Frustrated can I get you to look at a series of comments Adam made on a similar article? You will find it at http://powertochange.com/experience/sex-love/disengagedspouse . He just posted his update today but you will have to scroll back to Feb 25,27 to see his original comments. He is a man who will testify to the power of Jesus to change a woman.
Jamie, Jesus’ leadership on this is simply to deny myself. Thus I have remained in the marriage. I don’t think he expects me to be happy about the situation. The last 26 years has really tainted my view of Christianity and Christian women in particular. Frankly I despise most of them. They will do just about anything to lock down a man and then…. ignore him. Nice Christian virtue there ladies! How about it ladies… one less Beth Moore event and a little more work on being attentive to your husband? You can be a professional Bible study attender as I know many of you are…. but if you don’t apply anything you have learned what good is it? My wife should have a PHD by now with all the Bible studies she has attended. And yet… she has continued to keep me in prison. Does Jesus offer any hope for me? Sure… at some point I’ll be dead and free from all this.
So what do you see Jesus leading you to do in all of this? Does He offer any hope or comfort for you?
Thanks Jamie. Unfortunately decades of various forms of counseling, prayer etc have yielded virtually no improvement. Again, had she been honest with me (which I think few Christian wen are) and told me what she really wanted(ring, car, house, kids etc) but that she did not want an actual partner in life. Well obviously I wouldn’t have signed up for that. I don’t look at porn because I can’t justify it before God. But Christian ladies out there… I suggest you get off the porn topic and “get busy” with your husbands. How many times do you think you can turn him down without consequence? I’m not saying he’s justified in pursuing alternatives. But why make it difficult for him?
Hi Frustrated. Man, I am so sorry that you have had such a difficult marriage. I can only imagine what a toll this has taken on your life and joy. I understand your advice to others because it comes from such a place of desperation and defeat.
I do admire your commitment (even though I know right now you are saying it was a mistake). 26 years is a long time to wait, hoping that things would change. Not may men would have stuck it out that long.
That must have been a very difficult thing for your wife to reveal to you 15 years into your marriage. The devastating power of secrets like that have far reaching implications. Has she been able to talk to anyone else about what happened to her?
Dynamic sex? Easy… Don’t marry a Christian woman! And whatever you do, test her out before you commit!! I have been in sexual prison… Forced celibacy for 26 years because I was fool enough to court a Christian woman and wait to sleep with her until we married. Major, major mistake! We had fun “making out” prior to marriage but waited for intercourse. Little did I know my wife had a hidden time bomb. She was sexually traumatized as a child and is essentially a-sexual. But she didn’t tell me that until 15 years into a very frustrating marriage. Amazingly the sex shut down started our wedding night! Even the making out was out of the question. She got the ring and the commitment and I got…. Ripped off! We came home from our honeymoon still virgins because she would not consummate the marriage. I should have divorced her that week but…. Being a believer I stayed and honored my commitment even though I had been royally duped. I’m committed to staying but frankly ticked off about it. If your wife does this on your honeymoon… Run my friend. Run as fast as you can to the nearest divorce attorney. It will never ever ever get better no matter how hard you try. No matter how patient you are. Study Ephesians 5:25 all you want. But she is not into sex and never will be. She duped you. Get over it and get out fast!
I really like this post. You really wrote like you are talking. Very wide issues you raised and you really tried compressing them into a single post. That is great.
I must admit that it is not easy to wait but we just have to wait. Also, there is the need to start talking to partners about satisfying each others sex desire. Couples should learn to open up all their sex desires to their partners and try to fufil them.
Most couples are now shy away from sex. They have made marriage uninteresting and mechanical where giving birth has turn out to be the major reason for sex. The issue of work and busy schadule has also affected sex in most marriages.
When young ones who hear or see this evidences in their parents marriage tend to enjoy the sex in the pre marriage era. A young man three days ago wrote on my facebook inbox that he really want to enjoy sex now becuase once he is married, sex satisfaction drops because of lots of responsibilities, the fear of having another child, work and fartigue. The case with my parents is that they are running away from having another baby as a result, they have stopped having sex. They tried preventing baby coming but the last baby came by suprise and this has made them to run away from having sex and they are not old at all. They married young and at their age they should be having sex often.
sex is very important in every marriage and couples need to learn how to make their sex life very interesting.
Thanks once again for this post. There is this post titled: 5 secrets to successful relationship I read on a site, it is very interesting and I think, it can be very helpful too to other readers. here is the link: http://www.trueloverelationship-advice.com/2012/07/5-secrets-to-successful-relationship.html
Interesting perspective Shaded-bliss. Our experiences affect our expectations and our expectations can cause so much hurt in relationships. Thanks for sharing.
I absolutely loved this article! ThankYou!
I wish I would have stayed pure before I met the love of my life. There was alot of unfair expectations on my part. Because I knew what sex was like and how it made me feel and what it was like with the different b/f’s I was with, I expected fireworks sex. I really wish the schools would enforce abstinance.
You make a great point Anita and I would encourage anyone who is looking for more information about dealing with the destructiveness of pornography use our Power To Change search engine at the top of this page and search for the many different articles we have that talk about pornography. Also, talk with one of our mentors who will be able to direct you to other resources that can help those who feel trapped by pornography. You can find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor
I thoroughly enjoyed the article. However, there are hundreds, maybe millions of men and more recently,women who are addicted to internet pornography and self gradification. This is a topic that is seldom spoken of and there is little literature to be found on how to rebuild trust on the part if the victemized spouse once the marriage has been violated. (whether literally-physically or by mutual fantasys with self gradification) There are clubs on line complete with graphic pictures for any kinky activy or fetish that exists all set up as dating sites. The numbers on these sites are staggering. Their often called cyber sex,phone sex, cell-sex, and eventually relationsips move out to the coffee shop or sports bar and eventually to the hotel.This is breaking up Marriages on a scale that is frightning and was not mentioned in the article. It is believed this multi Billion dollar industry will continue to grow and will provide what ever the public is willing to pay for. Our churches are filled with Christian Men who sneak down in the night to the computer and peruse the pornagraphy sites. The need help. They ask God for help but the shame, secrecy and embarassment keep them from sharing with even their closest friend. (Certainly most don’t feel they can tell their wife} We need to bring this addiction out of the closet and get these people some help. Many are good christian men caught in Satans trap by vivid pictures that re-circut his mind.
No wife feels she can compete with this. Her self esteem plumets when she finds the man she loves is talking intimately, on line or phone, to an internet female friend, meeting him for coffee, lunch and eventually a full blown affair may take place. I beg of you if your are one of these souls, seek help. There are well trained Christian Psychlogists who can help you stop, and hopefully help you save your marriage.
Great article. Wonderful insight into something that churches in my country don’t dare speak about. Blessings from Papua New Guinea.
What a wonderful article.God bless you.
Concise and up to the point. I am recommending this article to my friends.