What Separates Boys From Men?
Ever thought about when you are considered a man in our culture? I find it interesting to see how various cultures determine whether a male is a boy or a man. Some have elaborate ceremonies, bar mitzvahs, or tests of bravery. Some force the boy to fend for himself in the wild for a night. Some make them walk over a bed of hot coals without showing any weakness or tears. Quite honestly, I am thankful I don’t have to prove my manhood in these ways. But what about our culture? What identifies you as a man? Perhaps the very lack of ritual and a lack of male affirmation sets us up for confusion.
Being immersed in our own culture we can be blinded to what rites of passage we hold that characterizes a boy becoming a man. Our culture in particular seems so subtle and varied, we don’t tend to have an official event marking the occasion. It just sort of happens in different ways to different folks.
If you are born a male in Western culture, welcome to one confusing existence. Male identity is really confusing. With louder visual and audio messages than ever, we are bombarded daily with messages of what it means to be a man. From the heroics and courage of Braveheart to the laughter-evoking but pathetic existence of Homer Simpson, we are caught in between differing views on being male. There is no special event, but even more significant, there is also no special affirmation of your manhood. Instead, it seems that there are a million conflicting messages. Men are perhaps the least celebrated in our culture and therefore, we take it upon ourselves to work for approval or achieve some great dream to get the praise we so much crave.
There is little in this list that has anything to do with a test of bravery, or a test of character as many other cultures have. It seems like our culture is one of the easiest and immoral ways to get your ticket to manhood. Honesty, honour, truth, friendship, interdependence, serving others, selflessness, and respecting women aren’t hallmarks of a man in our culture. It is usually the one who gets ahead financially, lives as an island, has wealth to flaunt, is narcissistic, and has multiple women that is considered to be a real man.
Our culture is encouraging guys to be boys and never grow up. At least not in our personal lives. Perhaps there is incentive to “grow up” in your career, but there isn’t much evidence of encouragement to grow up in your personal life. The mantra of the day seems to be “do what feels good and stay clear of any commitments.”
Is this really what being a man is supposed to be?
What do you think are the true marks of what it means to be a man?
Tags: boy, character, identity, manhood, rite of passage
Hey, great topic. Men are losing their way like never before. Every day I watch young warriors shuffle around town while their sisters get university degrees. Statistics will back me on this. Years ago it was painful for a women to be shown her place; but today, there are too many men (and some women too) who have no place. I asked several young men why they do drugs. “It won’t matter anyway”, is the usual reply. Some might add, “and besides, I exist, so what are you going to do about it”? Perhaps the time has come when women must decide what role they have for men. Men aren’t going away. For what should we need them? Perhaps it’s time to have a clear answer.
I agree, our culture presents a confusing idea of what it means to be men. Manliness appears to be proportional to ones muscles, success in sports and business, and number of women he’s slept with.
Good point on bringing up the character of a true man – honesty, bravery, commitment, etc…
Rob, I’m curious, what context do work in and witness this “demise of guys” so to speak? What do you mean about women deciding what role they should have for men? Doesn’t that just perpetuate the problem of masculine passivity by accepting their role they are told to perform by the opposite sex?
As to the questions of the article, I certainly think that our culture has a very scewed and confusing message about what it means to be a man. One way to see this is to take the historic label of a man with dignity, integrity, and character: “A Gentleman” and apply it to our current music,movie, and tv shows and see whether that vision of a man is still being projected. By in large, it is not.
To even talk about the marks of a true man assumes that there is a notion of gender which is not socially constructed. I think our culture today lives in cognitive dissonance, affirming gender as merely a social construction, but then decrying the passivity of guys in not stepping up to lead their spouses or pursue a girlfriend with courage and integrity. We affirm that there is no difference between men and woman in gender in the Academy but then act like we are not surprised when there are clear personality and lifestyle differences between boys and girls at a very young age.
I think we believe men are created to manifest a particular expression (not caricature) of masculinity and women are created to manifest a particular expression (not caricature) of femininity but the neutralizing, explaining away of gender differences of our culture leave us and guys, with a confusing cognitive dissonance about what it means to be a man
Great piece Corey!
Hi Eric, thanks for the interaction. The reason I said women will decide about men’s roles is because of the achievement gap. Women will soon occupy so many powerful positions that it will take a women to decide when it’s time to intervene. I work as a science educator and administrator in a K-12 school system. From that vantage point I sometimes see the trends before they become mainstream. You know we can do a lot by telling each other to ‘get a grip’. Especially guys, you know… a good cuff upside the head sometimes can be life changing. But that will only go so far. Young men need to see for themselves a future that’s worth fighting for– but they don’t see it. It’s an economic issue. We need to create society that has exciting opportunities for people of all shapes and abilities. Laziness and work aren’t just issues of personal choice, although they are that too. A work ethic is taught as a young man learns his place, his role in society. With that comes a sense of responsibility toward others and oneself. It is up to those in positions of power (increasingly women) to create those places and roles for all kinds of people. Since we are now in an information age the male predisposition for concrete, the athletic, and the dangerous has diminished in value. Young men have become socially disenfranchised. They have responded with disengagement in meaningful community and nation building. It’s time we valued what each has to contribute and made a place for them to do so.
Rob, so what do you think is the best way to empower men to flourish in their distinctive contributions to society? What are a few practical examples?
Is it just me? I find that the “boy” never see the needs to become “men”. if there is no push / test to become men, then there is no urgency. Parents, girlfriend, co-worker, boss … all everyone around them can do is to wait! (Well, except the other boys who are “playing” with him) What can one do? nothing, until they have an encounter! AND, someone there to be a mentor!
I think affluence has led most guys to accept boyhood as the norm. We have been enslaved what what works as the lowest common denominator. To remedy this, I think males need to be challenged with adventure and something worth fighting for.
I agree with Ian that if there is no push/test then the urgency is not there for the boys to act on. However, I think men can help the boys out by challenging them to go on an adventure that is extraordinary and not the norm. I think there are such adventures and boys need to be exposed to them. I do not think we should wait for them to “wake up” but men need to take the initiative to challenge them early on.
I enjoyed Ian’s remark and Josh’s reply. We need to challenge boys with thrill and privilege of manhood. That will take a father’s or father-figure’s time and effort. But that’s what it takes.
Eric, that’s a good question and I can hardly do it justice even if I knew the answer. I suppose we need to learn to value what many young men contribute: heroism, loyalty, bravery, strength, endurance, making, fixing. That includes making it worth money. We also need to expand the masculine role beyond that by example. When men work in, science, music and the arts, education, social work, and so on, it would be great if they could be seen by boys for their contribution. You know, something about a boy… he needs a hero. Unlike a storybook hero, this kind of hero is easy to be, just take some time.
Having said that we need to work with women to build a diverse economy rather than allow globalization to dictate single industry towns or towns with only a service sector or communities with no opportunities for youth. We need to learn that its worth money to have a role for every person, and a person for every role. Having young men with no work carries a huge social cost. We have to figure that into the cost of the cheap goods we can buy. I’m advocating for local food production so there can be real farms, local industry so there can be real trades… you get the idea, every kind of job, not just a few kinds.