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by Katherine Kehler
**Do you expect your spouse to meet all your needs? Are you about ready to give up on your marriage? http://christianwomentoday.com/chat/ask_marriage.html
“And it is He who will supply all your needs according to his riches in glory, because of what Christ Jesus has done for us” (Philippians 4:19).
Married at last! It was so natural to be together all of the time – like we were made for each other. When we were first married, we were so poor – we didn’t even have a car. We lived in one room in a big old house and shared the bathroom with three other couples. My husband was going to college and I worked as a clerk in a drugstore. Life was good and we never even noticed that we were poor. We were happy!
Life kept changing and so did we. We began having babies. By the time we were twenty-five, we had four children. Marvin had finished college and we were owners of a large egg farm. We worked hard and God granted us a measure of financial success.
Marvin, being athletic, played hockey, baseball, football and loved to golf. The children and I spent many evenings at the hockey arena or on the bleachers at the baseball games. I loved reading, gardening and crafts. We both had leadership positions in our church and denomination.
After several years, I was tired of going to his sports events and became discontent with the busyness of life. I felt like my husband wasn’t meeting my needs. I wanted the kind of relationship where he would understand and meet all my needs. Having a new house, nice clothes, jewelry and many holidays didn’t satisfy me either. I was putting a lot of pressure on my husband to be different. I wanted him to change. Marriage didn’t seem so great any more.
One weekend, Dr. Henry Brandt, a Christian psychologist, spoke at a conference we attended. He taught us some truths that revolutionized our marriage. He said the person we married could never meet our needs because they were only human beings – only God could meet all our needs. That was a new way of thinking for me! But I knew instantly that what he said was true.
And so, my thinking began to change. I quit expecting Marvin to meet my needs (at least most of the time) and began to go the Word and the Lord when I felt needy. And I changed. I was happier. I began to thank God for all the wonderful characteristics in my husband.
In response to my changed attitude, Marvin became sensitive to my needs. Amazing how God works!
Sometimes I still slip into my old way of thinking – but not for long. Only God can meet my needs and your needs. Jesus satisfies!
Questions: How are you doing in your marriage? Are you expecting your spouse to meet your needs?
About the Author: http://talk.thelife.com/experience/devotionalforwomen/authors/katherine-kehler/
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Great devotion…and sooooooooo true!! If more ladies grasped this truth, there would be less divorces!!!!
I believe that God uses our spouses to meet many of our earthly needs, but only He can meet our spiritual needs. This is why there are lots of godly principles in the Bible for husbands and wives to follow in relating to each other, and when followed, result in happier, more rewarding marriages! God designed marriage, and it is a perfect plan, but we humans have distorted it and rebelled against it, leaving us with un-fulfilled relationships and unmet needs. But, God is faithful to restore marriages that have crumbled under false ideology, when we humble ourselves to His lordship and commit ourselves to His ways.
I have really enjoyed these devotions. I know I am so much more content and satisfied when I look to God to meet my needs. Actually, I expect WAY less from God then I do my husband. Backwards!
It is wonderful to do things together as husband and wife. But it is also fun to have your own individual interests. My husband and I are at the stage in ouur marriage where the children are starting to leave home. The ones that are home don’t want to spend too much of their free time with us. So my husband and I are together more and do a lot together. We live far away from extended family so it only is just us.
Over the years, we have met wonderful friends, but they come and go(literally move away). It is a challenge for me to not to depend on my husband for all my companionship. Of course, I do have God to talk to and pray. I can’t imagine going through life without HIM guiding me and always at my side. I use to be in a wonderful support group at my church for mothers. OUr group still does things together a few times a year and even go on retreat together, even though our children are big.
It is challenging though to constantly be meeting and making new friends and spending quality time with them, especially when I work full=time. My husband is my best friend, and sometimes it concerns me what I will do if I didn’t have him and because I live so far away from my extended family. But then I try to remember that that may be the future, but enjoy the present moment.
My husband meets many of my needs; I am not grateful enough for how much he does do this. But me, I rarely remember to let him know that I appreciate his effort. Instead, I glom on to the negative, and he ends up feeling unappreciated.
Last night, for no particular reason that I know of, I decided to be critical of his efforts to be comfortable enough to sleep. I jumped on a series of little things that he did and did not do over the course of about 5 minutes–things that he “can’t possibly not remember after 20-some years” of being together!
And then I wouldn’t let go. The more he defended himself, the more I pushed the issues. Ultimately, he left the house for motorcycle ride (at 2 a.m.).
My husband did a number of those healthy-boundary things like stating his position, and repeating it over and over, but I simply didn’t want to hear it.
This morning he woke up with hives. Stress? Or the the first iris he ever touched and smelled yesterday? My guess is stress.
I owe my husband amends. He didn’t meet my needs or wants last night, and I treated him with contempt and anger. And really, for no good reason. I can’t even say that these “needs” were ones that God would consider important either.
So, there’re my mistakes for now..:-}.
Neil Anderson’s teaching on the difference between a goal and a desire has really spoken to me in my marriage.
A great husband and/or marriage can be your desire, but should never be your goal because it can be thwarted by your husband, and then you are left feeling like a failure.
If our goals are only things that we can control then no one else can thwart them. So have tried to keep my goals focused on being the best wife I can be.
Dianne, boy do I relate to the situation between you & your husband. It sounds just like me & mine. It never accomplishes my desired results. I ask myself all the time “why do I keep on acting like that?” Lord help me changed my behavior.” LPL
I have really enjoyed today’s message. its inspiring and though am yet to to become a wife, i think its a lesson that every young woman married or yet to take the step needs.
GOD BLESS YOU FOR THE DAILY DEVOTION. Its really straightening lives
MY MARRAGE IS VERY STRONG IT WOULD HAVE TO BE TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT WE HAVE. MY HUSBAND MEETS NEARLY ALL OF MY NEEDS AND I TRY TO MEET HIS,BUT THERE SOME THINGS ONLY GOD CAN DO AND WE MUST LET HIM
I read this devotional while both my toddler and my sweet husband of nearly 7 years are taking naps. There are many days when I wish my husband and I had more time together, times when I wish he had a less demanding job that left him with more energy, more this, more that…and I have learned, through journeying alongside his path of 4 years of med school and 3 years of a surgical residency (with two more to go), that yes, only Jesus can truly satisfy. Our God is the one who never sleeps, never grows weary, who knows our getting up and our sitting down, who knows our every thought! Even if my dear husband were awake all the time, he couldn’t come close to knowing all those things–and I shouldn’t expect him to. It has been challenging these past 7 years knowing that he is the “needier” of the two of us. If anything, I need to be more aware of how to meet HIS needs. He is such a loving, faithful man that I know it breaks his heart not to be able to do more of those “little things” in our marriage. But knowing that amidst all of the pressures of his job, his dealing with illness and death every day, his grueling schedule, that he still comes home and is the best husband and dad one could hope for, I thank God with a beaming smile for that man on the sofa!
And I encourage everyone feeling like her needs are not being met…take a moment, go talk to Jesus, he does hear and he does care. Love your husband, show him respect, pray for him and with him, and see what happens. “Delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Ps. 37:4)
One more thought on this subject…every time I feel like I’m not getting enough of my husband, I have to stand back and consider whether God might not be trying to get me to just come spend time with Him??? God bless each woman seeking God in her life!
I’m having an extremely difficult time in my relationship with my fiance. In fact, we’ve actually cancelled our engagement. He’s got 2 huge things on his plate in life right now and has to put our relationship on hold. So of course me being the caretaker…I want to help him, love him , support him…and be there for him. But he keeps pushing me away. I’m scared as ever that it will be over. Right now, I really need to not be so needy and wish I had peace.
Great Devotional! I am so very Thankful for the Wonderful Christian Husband The Lord Has given me. We too have gone through tough times with the loss of our 15 1/2 yrs old daughter but Praise The Lord it only brought us closer together it did not drive us apart like it does so many marriages. One thing I so strongly believe in is that when you get married is to remember it is not What can I get out of this marriage, but What Can I Put Into This Marriage. I don’t believe a marriage is 50/50 I think it is 100/100 or even better 110/110. Lets always keep our eyes on Jesus and allow Him to lead and guide us and if there needs to be changes in one of us Jesus can do it, we can’t change each other we will only make it worse. We can pray about it but then we have to just give it over to Jesus. Hugs Linda!!!
Bella you wrote at the same time I did I am so sorry for all that is happening in your life right now but lets just pray.
Dear Heavenly Father I just bring Bella to you right now, Lord you see the situation she is in and You know the whole story beginning to the end. I just pray that You would be a comfort to Bella right now Lovingly wrap Your arms around her, hold her tight and help her to feel Your Love and Presence all around her. Calm her spirit and fill her with Your peace and just help her to know that You are in control of this situation. Help her to totally put all her trust in You and just Bless her Lord right now I pray in Your Holy Name Amen! Hugs Linda!!!
I am sitting here on my backporch while I await the call of my wonderful husband to tell me he is safe and on the way home from a scuba diving trip. This website, this devotional and the wonderful women that have given their insight have been such a fresh breath of encouragement to me today. It is my first time on the sight and the Lord let me straight to it.
It is so easy to depend on our husbands more than we do God. When in the end God will provide for us like no human can! Thank you for the great inspiration!
Sweet Bella, I join Linda R in lifting you before Jesus for His divine hand in your situation! May He direct your fiance in settling the concerns that have pre-empted your marriage plans, clearing the way for your wedding! And, may the Lord give you the grace you need to support him lovingly, not pressuring him, that he would see in you a beautiful preview of his bride-to-be!
Linda R, you are so right about marriage — that it is not a 50-50 deal, but 100-100! In marriage, there should be some give and take. It is important to really know each other, know what is important to the other. Honoring this knowledge with respect and humble submission yields many rewards in the marriage relationship. And, I totally agree with you about trying to force change in our mates, which only causes frustration and withdrawal. God is in the life-changing business, and His work comes with a great warranty! :) Praying for our spouses, and then surrendering them over to God for His divine plan, keeps the responsibilities in the right hands!
To Linda R and Marilyn – I can’t tell you how much it means to me to read the beautiful messages you wrote to me. I have very little support in my life. At 46 yrs of age I have just learned that I’ve been diagnosed with having ADD. I have also had a lot of death in my life including mom and 2 brothers within the past 5 years. So with those 2 issues alone I’ve basically pushed people away in my life. My fiance tore down those walls I had up around me and made me realize I’m capable of loving and being loved. But I’m afraid that with my ADD…I’m going to push him away. He says he needs space and it has nothing to do with me…that his feelings for me haven’t changed. But emotionally and mentally he’s spent and can’t handle planning and dealing with getting married right now and just needs a little bit of time to get these 2 issues over with (one being a new job at an executive level). Logically, I understand but emotionally, I’m a wreck and unfortunately, that’s the part that’s driving him crazy.
I need strength to not be obsessive (ADD part) and give him his space with knowing he loves me. I need strength to go about my own life and build myself up …not let my self talk tear me down. I need to remain focused on God and not get distracted. I need guidance (miss my mom), support, love and encouragement.
Anyway, I’m rambling. Thank you ladies so much…your kind words brought tears to my eyes just knowing I’m not alone.
Dear Bella my heart just aches for you as I know only too well what it is like to loose those close to us. I lost my first husband at the age of 20, my daughter at the age of 37yrs and I have lost both my parents now and my mother-in-law. All were Christians so I know I will see them again but it doesn’t help with the missing them. I have and still do deal with bipolar depression, fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis but I know God is in control of my life but have lacked support’ love and encouragement except from my precious supportive husband till I came to this site and met some wonderful Christian ladies who I now consider very close and dear friends. I am 57 but if you would ever like to email me and we could try to be an encouragement to one another I would love to hear from you, my address is lrohne@shaw.ca . I will write your name on my daily prayer list so I do remember to pray for you ok. May The Lord Be Very Close To You! Hugs Linda!!!
Oh, what a devotional. Thank you Katherine.
Sasta and Linda R. You both hit the nail on the head with your responses. God is the only one that can do certain things for us no matter what kindneses our husbands do for us. and I also believe that marriage if a 100/100 %.
Bella,” May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
My heart is for all who ae going through a tough time right now and I will pray for you to let God conrol your situations. Much love to all, Hannah and Bless God.
ladies, Sorry long post! Do we not have some of those days. I am reading a book rigth now called “maried….alone” A christian way to look and deal with these issues. One of the best line? Seasons, yes, difficult times of questionning, and mumbling (speaking for me). I am so much more patient now that the Lord touched my heartwith season. I don’t feel so desparate if call it his silence, or doing overtime just not to be home to deal with our teens. Or avoid any alone time just him and me. Abuse is a whole other topic. One of the ladies pretty much sounded like if I would be speaking. Another “trick” that helps me on these lonely nights (yes, even if he is there!) is this is maybe nothing in comparison of what he is going through. No wonder he cannog meet my needs. Another lady mentioned letting your husband be the only source of communication with the outside world. That is so true, especially for those young moms outthere it is so eastier to let go of friends than make time for them. Boy do I see it now my nest of 5 is almost empty, I feel even less noticed by husband as the time passes he is meeting les and less of my needs…but maybe, just maybe it where I felt needed before, now, the my husband has more of my needs to fill????? lol All I know is that as much and as many days as have want to leave, I usually finish my inner wofdly war of bad thoughts, I remind myself of the good in him (again as one of the ladies already mentioned) but most of all if he was frustrated, if his needs were not met by man, would I want for him to give up on me? That easy to answer NO i’m pretty sure I would want him to stick with with his vows between us and God. Then I would like for him to rally prayer partner in town and get on my kees!
Easier said than done. That’s where I am a! So I’ll look for his good qualities, work hard to keep my hands busy, look in the word to keep my mind busy, and start callin mh payer lis while I pray for strenght. Thanks ladies nancyv
p.s.do
Dear sister Bella, I am very sorry to hear about your heartbreaking losses of your dear mother and brothers over the past several years — I lost my precious mother when I was 41, at a time in my life when I really enjoyed our bond of love and friendship! In fact, unknowing to me, I worshipped my parents (particularly my mother) and treasured their love above all things, until God, in His great love and mercy, touched my life just 3 years before her passing and took the throne of my heart! It was His goodness to me that rescued me from the sure despair I would have known in losing my mother, as His ever-present comfort sustained me! This is my prayer for you, dear one, that our God will bind up your broken heart, and wipe away your tears, and give you the reassurance of seeing your loved ones again in glory! As for your fiance and the transition he is facing in his new job responsibilities, I would encourage you to honor his need for space, understanding the high priority a man’s work is to his self-esteem. Just as we women need ‘relationship’ to feel validated and our self-worth to be strengthened, men are validated by their work and ability to provide. While a man’s work should not be a higher priority than his family, sometimes circumstances develop that temporarily place it in a high priority catagory, such as in your fiance’s case, where he is acclimating to a new high-level position. Pray for him, dear Bella, and God will do great things for YOU! God always rewards His praying children in some way! God bless!
Ladies – I can’t tell you how much it means to me to read all your comments and posts. Each time I would read one, it would bring tears to my eyes. I’m having such a hard time and feel like I’m a wreck lately…but at the same time when I read your supportive words I feel strength. It’s amazing how strangers can provide such love and support …and make such a difference in someone’s life. I want to be that glorious Proverbs 31 Woman and have a long way to go. But, I feel like I’ve found the right place to get there. You all have such a beautiful and gracious way about you and I want that. Thank you so much. Oh and if any of you use Yahoo IM…feel free to contact me and add me to your list. – Many Blessings and Much Gratitude….Bella
Hi Bella this is Linda I would love to contact you but what is Yahoo IM??? You are continually in my prayers. Hugs, Linda!!!
I don’t think my husband has ever met my needs!. We are still together because of God’s promises. I truly rely of my Lord for my strength. Sometimes I start feeling sorry for myself. I am there now. I do not even want to try anymore. I feel he is very selfish. Our children are grown and gone and I am very lonely.
Dear Janet, I am sorry that your marriage has been so disappointing for you. I understand, as I, too, have felt neglected and rejected in my marriage. But, I am encouraged that you have kept your eyes on the Lord, for He is faithful and will see us through! Pray for your husband daily, and ask God to reveal to you ways that you can show unconditional love to him. Often, we wives are focused on our needs not being met, but do not consider our husband’s needs that are disregarded. I promise you, Janet, that as you seek to understand your husband and minister to his needs, God will meet your needs, and perhaps ignite a flame! Our children are grown as well, so I have found volunteer work gives me purpose and introduces me to new people. This, of course, is only as my husband approves. I say this, as I am certain that God would have me available to my husband, if my husband so desired. Men generally like to share recreation with their wives, so I would encourage finding similar interests (or developing them). And, after many years of control issues, I have found that respecting my husband’s leadership in our home has softened his hard edges and built up his self-esteem. God bless!
“The greatest is Love”…Jesus says.
It IS the answer for all questions!
Love Grows, which means different ingredients blend together
and nourish one another…
and during that process, Love Learns…
To Love, we first must learn to look outward from ourselves
and have compassion for others.
I see in these comments that some are learning just that!
‘Tis a hard lesson to learn.
While reading Diane’s post, when she said her husband got frustrated and left on his motorcycle, I was expecting the next sentence to say he was injured in an accident. I have lost someone tragically that way. Taking for granted that each day will be like the last, is a tragedy, if the day comes that life has changed and that person is no longer a part of your life.
We must always think about what life would be like WITHOUT a specific person in our life. We tend to think more about our SELF and what we need, which makes us bitter.
We mistake love as something that fulfills us, without us having to participate in the process except as the beneficiary of the love.
Love is not self seeking. Have you ever gone and done something wonderful for another person? Don’t you feel so much better about yourself and life in general after doing that? It’s because you took your focus off of your SELF. Our self is our biggest enemy!
People who seek love, see only what is missing,
instead of focusing on all the blessings of what we have.
If we seriously think about the burden of our life without
those who are part of our life, and weigh the good and the bad,
we might appreciate that person as the blessing they are in our life!
As a middle school teacher I learned that to get the best response from the worst behaved children, one must show that they care, treat the child with respect, listen to what the child has to say, and only encourage the good behaviors from them. They know when they say or do something that isn’t positive, good or right..without us having to say a thing, usually.
They also learn by example. I have noticed that applying this to all people in our life, we will see definite improvement in their behaviors. Caring, appreciating, and giving love are learned from those who consistently focus on givng that to those they love.
By not demanding our own way, the love we need comes back to us gracefully, by giving it away first. A simple but hard lesson in life to learn. It is based on the Love Jesus spoke of!
Not4saken, it seems as though it was a month ago since I wrote that comment, and because of that, your comment is so timely. I don’t want to acknowledge that, but that is the truth.
I have not been reading these devos for the last 2-weeks except for the check-in last week and again today, largely because my husband gives me such a hard time about getting on the computer (“getting lost,” “wasting your time,” etc.).
I also recognise that I can end up being on here for several hours once I have started, so I have limited myself by staying off altogether. This way I have a better chance of getting other things that need to be done, done.
This is why it is so interesting that you commented when you did. I decided that I would start this day by reading today’s devo. Instead, I saw your comment and decided to peek at it.
I am glad I did, although I still don’t feel much better, yet. I woke up angry–especially at my husband–this morning. As I put the coffee on, put the dog out, fed the animals and had my breakfast, I just got more and more angry at him. I decided that maybe I could get some of this anger out by commenting here. Instead, your comment corrects me in my attitude, and tells me what I can do about it.
I do have to say that there really isn’t much love between my husband and myself. There wasn’t much when we married 19 years ago, either. In fact, I was ready to cancel the wedding until I learned that my grandmother, who lived overseas and had been talking about dying (giving in to her poor health) had done a 180 degree turn-around in attitude after she learned I was getting married. She, one of my aunts, and one of my cousins had bought tickets to fly over, and I just couldn’t see hurting my grandmother by after that. So, I didn’t.
Another reason that I didn’t give up on our relationship is that I wanted to believe that love was something that one can grow into. I heard of enough (mostly older) couples who had done that, that I wanted to believe that could be true with me, too. I wanted to show my husband that was possible, too, because he seemed so disillusioned about our relationship (he was also divorced by his first wife).
But I have to say that my husband is a hard person to love. He even told me that he was “difficult to live with” when we were first dating 22 years ago. I am told that I am also a hard person to love–not just by him, but by my mother, too; from the time that I was a little girl, she tells me.
In 22 years, my husband and I have never quit trying to change each other, and we have never been able to let go of the “you go first”/”I won’t ’til you do” mentality when it comes to changing our behaviours and attitudes toward each other for the better. I am 46 and he is 53, and we continue to act like 2 year olds with each other! What is up with that ?!
As I have written before, my husband is abusive. He has been physically abusive, too. Now that he is trying not “batter” me anymore, he is more emotionally/verbally abusive and more controlling than he was before. I have heard from domestic violence workers that this is common.
I have also become more and more angry at him, and am now
mentally/emotionally abusive toward him, too. I can barely remember the healthier behaviors and attitudes that I worked hard to develop before I met him and that I used to use in our earlier years.
I got so frustrated and angry at his blantant, arrogant, stubborn refusal to believe that any method of communicat-ing or getting along with others which originated from any other source besides himself was “hokey” and a crock, that I finally just gave up trying.
I can still remember the moment (sometime in the late 1980’s) that I decided that as long as every attempt to resolve a conflict between us deteriorated into an abusive, verbal screaming match anyway, I would just “cut to the chase” from the get-go. I largely just threw out the kit of “tools” that my better self used because it was so painful to keep believing that if I did the right things, good things would result. My experience was that it made no difference whether I tried to live in the solution or not in this marriage. It took two for our relationship to get better, and he was having no part in making the effort.
In many contexts, my husband fits the description of the Biblical “fool.” Unfortunately, now I do, too. And it is very hard to break through the barrier of resistance and blindness to instruction that I have today.
I am so angry at my husand for letting me down in these ways. Last fall, he began to go through what looked like a spiritual growth spurt in terms of our relationship. Four 1/2 months later, he decided he was going to quit doing that, and he unabashedly told me so. He said that he’d tried hard enough and that he was “done” trying; I hadn’t changed as a result of his changing, so he was giving up. He said that since the results of his trying to be a better Christian husband, a servant-leader, didn’t make any improvement in me, he was going to go back to the way he was before, because, “at least I can vent.” That was some time in February and he has only walked a Godly walk for a combined total of maybe a couple of weeks since. I felt so betrayed, because I DID see God in action in his ways during that 4 1/2 months–only to find out in the end that he wasn’t walking the walk for God’s sake or because it is right, but with the selfish end of trying to create the change of his liking in me!
Still, I haven’t COMPLETELY quit trying to do things in healthy ways over the years, and he DOES try to act in healthier ways more than he ever did before. The scary thing is that he has emotionally withdrawn from the marriage for the most part, and the healthy behaviors that he DOES practice nowadays are mostly the kinds of behaviors that one uses to establish and maintain boundaries. They are anything but “transparent,” vulnerable, honest, communication building behaviors. We have also only been physically intimate 4 times since last November.
I honestly believe that if he wasn’t a Christian (baptised 2 years ago), he would divorce me for not being the wife that he wants me to be. I know that he regularly tells me to go and do that, or to leave. Anytime I have anything approaching criticism or concern regarding him to say, he replies, “So leave,” “Get a lawyer,” “Go file then,” etc.
I am very angry and hurt and confused about our marriage.
I really let loose on him again last night after he turned on me for pointing out that lately he has been doing a Jekyl and Hyde kind of thing toward me; when we are at church or at a Celebrate Recovery meeting (which he is now leader of), he treats me and others so gently and lovingly, but as soon as we get in the car afterwards, he snaps at me, criticises me, or does some other thing along those lines.
He fiercely defended himself and did his usual thing of interrupting me, yelling over my voice, assassinating my character,etc. He even slammed on the brakes of the car in the middle of the road, spinning us 45 degrees, and demanded that I get out of “his car” immediately (He did this once before a few weeks ago, only that time, he slammed the car in reverse and then spun it around 180 degrees bfore stopping–in the middle of the road). I quietly (and stubbornly) refused, and he relented, but we didn’t talk much the rest of the way home after that.
Then, a little later last night, I really laid into him verbally. I was so angry about his stubborn defensiveness –by blaming his impatience and surliness on me (last night it was because I had to use the bathroom before we left Celebrate Recovery, and because I was in the bathroom [“for a half an hour”] which was “selfish” and “inconsiderate” to others who waited for a while to say goodbye to me before leaving, as well as and to him. To top it off, I was selfish of me to want to go to the grocery store on our way home because there was not enough to drink at home [our well water isn’t all that great])–and about him being SO “right” and me being SO “wrong,” and it all being SO black and white once again, that I asked him “Why, if you are so smart and so right, Mr. IQ of 142, are you driving a school bus and are living like this (at a friend’s house at the age of 53), when you could have gone to college and easily could have been making a 6-figure or a high 5-figure income by this time in your life?!”
This really hurt him, he said, and I have been reading and hearing, over the last couple of years, that this is exactly opposite to the kind of speech a man needs to hear from his wife, so I am pretty sure (intellectually) that he really was hurt (he still uses dishonesty to solve problems from time to time, so I still doubt–in my heart–whether he really was hurt or not).
We ended the evening in relative peace, but this morning, I still woke up angry, as I said earlier. He, on the other hand, was pretty nice–certainly more than just civil–in the way he spoke. I was nice in return (sometimes it is a good thing that I am gifted in theater), but I still felt, and do feel, angry about how much pain and frustration I feel in this marriage. There is very little love in it.
Sometimes I get fooled–actually, I am pretty quickly fooled (because I want it so much)–into thinking that he is getting better (now that he is a Christian), but whenever he gets impatient, nasty, unkind, or refuses to see an unpleasant truth about himself (or a positive change in me), I am hurt all over again.
So now, I mostly just “fight fire with fire” and nights like last night, or the night that he took off on the bike happen.
I feel “bitter” because much of what I want from him is really not unreasonable. To be believed; to be treated kindly, gently, and lovingly; to thoughtfully consider concerns or “criticisms” I share with him instead of dismissing them outright; to think of me as a person of worth…etc.
It is very hard to be nice to my husband for any length of time, because whatever I say or do can be trashed in a nanosecond. I don’t feel like being kind or loving toward him right now because my anger and hurt are great, and because he feels entirely justified (because I am so “self-centered,” “dishonest,” and “incapable of” or “unwilling to” change).
He won’t do marriage counseling anymore. He has gotten angry at and/or quit attending counseling every time a counselor has turned the focus on him during (a) session(s). Early last winter he refused an offer of short term marriage counseling by our pastor (he flat out refused to me, but told the pastor that he wouldn’t do that until the pastor’s own burdens had been lightened [when our new church was settled], and most recently he told me he had absolutely no interest in doing marriage counseling with me (I started going individually recently, although the original suggestion to us had been that we go to counseling together).
You are right, Not4saken, I have had many little, and/or short term experiences with what it is like to “get out of self” and to seek “giving love more than being loved,” so I know that you are writing the truth. Love is at the center of God’s heart and His greatest desire IS that love is cultivated, grown, and spread. NOTHING is more important to Him than that! Even the Great Commission was given as a means to the end; it is but a VEHICLE for the fulfillment of the Greatest Commandment.
There is NOTHING more important than love, and everything that God has told us to do and not do is in order to promote love. Matthew 22: 36-40 says: 36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37 Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 ALL THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS HANG ON THESE TWO COMMANDMENTS.” (emphasis mine)
Mark 12: 8-30 says, 28 One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?” 29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
Christ’s Law/God’s Law = Love. Period. Everything else is an elaboration on it.
So, yes, Not4saken, there is no arguing against the fact that love is absolutely the most important thing there is to God. I wish there were a way for me to rise above this disaster of a marriage I’m in, and above the intense anger and frustration I feel from being hurt over and over and over again by a person who not only does not seem to regret it, but refuses to even believe that there is anything wrong with what he says and does to me so often. What makes it OK, he tells me over and over again, is that I am so extremely bad.
What is worse is that I have been becoming more and more like him over the years, and I can be just as verbally vicious and unforgiving as he can be toward me now. So, when he tells me how bad I am, I have to admit to myself that what he tells me about myself IS true. I just don’t believe that I am as EXTREMELY bad as he tells me I am.
If God is so powerful, and so loving, why does He not remove our unloving and abusive ways from us? I know that I have asked Him to remove mine from me! I don’t remember off the top of my head that I have asked Him to remove my husband’s from him anywhere near as often, though.
Not4saken, I am sorry that you lost someone the way that you did. I would have deeply regretted losing my husband that way that night, too. There IS still a kernel of love in my heart for him, as well as a conscience within me, and it would have been be VERY hard to handle! I also do have some compassion for him at times. But I have to tell you all that it is VERY, VERY, VERY hard to keep doing this and living like this! I don’t know WHY the Bible does not allow divorce under these kinds of circumstances!
I used to think that it is just because of the culture and the historical periods in which the Bible was written. “Permission” to leave a marriage for these kinds of reasons can be teased out of the Bible by reading isolated verses scattered throughout it, but there is nothing that carries the kind of weight that infidelity does in the Bible, so when I keep getting told by, i.e., my pastors and other people in my church that it is not OK to divorce (even separations are looked at in a negative light) my husband, it is hard to justify doing that. I feel a little fear for my soul, and/or or guilt when I think about doing it, nowadays. A couple of years I thought God was telling me to get away from my husband, but now I have come to doubt that.
The idea that we were put together for the purpose of each of us growing spiritually carries a lot of weight, and logically it even makes sense. But I am telling you, after 22 years of being together with little to no lasting progress on EITHER of our parts, I really have my doubts that either one of us is EVER going to reach a level of personal maturity that will allow us to grow and to function on the spiritual level that the Bible seems to take forgranted between a husband and wife!!! I am VERY SERIOUS about that.
Thank you, Not4saken, for your comment; I have never considered looking at what I might have to lose if my husband were to die unexpectedly, so your suggestion is worth a try. And, considering the timing of your comment with my circumstances, I suspect that God had something to do with it, too. I am not too happy about that, but at least I have had the chance to clear the air a little bit, and maybe that will help.
I am going to post this without proofing it so that I don’t get caught up in editing and re-writing; I know I would, and I have already been writing for 4 hours as it is. I know this post wanders back and forth like a snake sliding through the grass, and that there is at least one paragraph that is so multi-layered with “(“-s, “)”-s,”[“-s, and “]”-s that is will probably require slow-motion reading or diagramming of sentences to make any sense out of it, but I know that the only way for me to avoid sitting here for another hour or two is to just leave it alone and post it as is.
Thank you for your time and patience, Not4saken, and all of the rest of you wonderful ladies!
Sincerely, Dianne
P.S. My husband ruined his motorcycle last week because he did not keep enough oil in it. He bought the bottom half of an engine through e-Bay, though, and we are going to be picking it up as we go through Michigan on vacation in a few weeks.
Dear Dianne
My heart breaks for you as I read your post. I have had some anger issues too, but have not walked where you are walking, so hesitate to even try to advise.
The one thing I can say though is that anger itself is usually grounded in our own background and brokenness and I am glad to hear that you are seeking councelling because the only person we can really change is ourselves.
Someone who was walking through my anger with me advised me to say something like: “Anger, you stand right here in front of me. Now listen to me, you are no longer going to control my life! In the name of Jesus I take authority over you and command you to release your hold on me. Amen” I did get significant victory at that time, and have rarely had to deal with anger since, and never to the intensity that it had been.
When I did/do feel anger I “usually” refrain from expressing it to my husband and take it to God instead. He has broad shoulders and Jesus bore the anger of the mob as he hung on the cross so that I could have peace. I truly believe that there is a garbage can at the foot of the cross where we can take things like anger, cram the lid down tight and leave them there.
Please disregard this, and forgive me if it is not relevant in your situation.
In His love
Patricia
Dear Dianne, it saddened me to read your post, to learn about the vicious recycling of anger and blame in your home! I admire your honesty, your candid confessions of marital rebellion and your keen self-awareness. I would, however, encourage you to ask God to blind you to your husband’s weaknesses, while you allow His Spirit to reconstruct your thinking. Your eyes are fixed upon your husband to change, and vice versa. Remember what Jesus taught about removing the plank from our own eye, before we try to remove the splinter in our brother’s eye. Release your husband to God, and surrender your need to change him. You can be assured that God wants to change him, but that God’s sovereign prerogative. In fact, your spousal rebellion may be the very obstacle that keeps God from blessing you. (I know about this, as this was my own experience, as well) As you seek to glorify the Lord with loving choices and behaviors in your marriage, you will see God do some awesome things in your home! You will not be perfect, who among us are? But, your heart will be set on pleasing God, and feeling His pleasure will keep you wanting more! May God give you a desire in your heart, Dianne, to be a godly wife to your husband, and may He open your husband’s eyes to the transforming work of the Holy Spirit in you, that your husband would know that Jesus has visited your home!