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It was the first day of spring and my husband and I were out horseback riding. Snow and spring ice still scattered the landscape. My horse decided he did not want a rider and he suddenly reared up on his hind legs. The spring ice was not a good spot for such a balancing act and over he went with me under him! We still marvel that I was not crushed to death!
I seldom think of that frightening afternoon anymore. But every now and then the memory is refreshed on rare days when the old injury to my rib bothers me. A bump or bruise causes that old injury to remind me that it’s there.
The same happens with old injuries to our spirit. Things far distant in our past… harsh words, actions, or misjudged situations of long ago, often surprise us with fresh pain when an emotional bump or bruise comes unexpectedly.
Sharon shared with me how she had forgiven her father for the rejection she felt as a young girl. Her adult mind could now comprehend some of her father’s own pain and God’s love in her heart had made what seemed impossible, possible. She could forgive him for his actions and his harsh words.
But she continued to find herself in unhealthy relationships with men. Always living in fear of rejection, she found herself making compromises that left her disappointed in herself. She realized she felt shame in the depth of her soul and it was affecting her life far beyond the long ago words and actions of her father. She began to realize that she had believed lies about herself as a result of those words and actions. I shared with her this promise from God’s Word and hope sprang afresh in her heart…
“ … being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).
When God touches your life and begins a good work in you, He is committed to you. He promises to carry on the good work in your heart until it is completed. God can not only help you forgive, but He will continue on to help you root out the shame and the lies that keep you from being all God meant you to be.
Heavenly Father,
Thank you that You promise to continue to work in my heart. Thank you that You enable me to forgive harsh words and actions against me. Father God, I realize today that as a result of those words and actions I began to believe lies about myself. Lies that I was unlovable & undeserving of love. Father God, today I ask that You would help me to reject those lies and their resulting shame. Show me every place I have believed a lie about myself. I accept Your love and Your healing and I ask You to fill me with Your Holy Spirit. Thank you that You will carry on to completion the healing of my heart. In the strong name of Jesus I pray, Amen.
Questions: What hurts are you harboring in your heart? What step could you take to start the healing process of your soul?
About the Author Gail Rodgers
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The testimony of the woman injured in a horse accident, her low self-esteem, etc. relates to to me because I was sexually abused as a child. As a result I have carried with me an attitude of being less than desirable. I married a non-believer who later accepted Christ, but he left me after 33 years. I did not agree to divorce for 7 years. Then I entered into a relationship with a man who was very kind and generous, but he will not commit to marriage. I continue to cling to false hope which is unrealistic. I know that the scars I carry have made me feel less worthy and I have compromised my sense of my value all of my life. I’ve been through counselling with Christian counselors, but cannot seem to break the old patterns of negative self-image. I am very lonely, terribly compromised economically now, and yearn to meet a Christian man who would marry me, or get beyond the desire for marriage. I live far from my son and his family and miss them, but am unable to re-locate because of the present economy and lack of re-location funds. If you have any words of wisdom, I would cherish your response.
Dear Roberta, your situation reminds me of where I was in all aspects of my life, just as you are, when God became real to me.
I pray that you will find a specific way to rise above all the negativity, the hurts pain and even bitter root of rejection that may be still there in your heart perhaps holding you back from growing into maturity in Christ? Until the initial wound is dealt a death blow a ‘bitter root’ keeps growing back [just as a dandylion, which has an incredibly strong and long root].
God brought a pastor and 2 mature godly women into my life and used them to help me over a period of 7 years! Yup, 7 years on my spiritual journey of feeling I was unworthy of any good thing into KNOWING I was a Child of the King and thus a person of worth, a Princess in fact! Hallelujah!!
I was like the ship described in the Bible that was blown every which way because I did not have a rudder [meaning Christ] to steer straight by to keep me on course. So I was always falling back into the old ways.
Or as another verse states, having HIM as my Firm Foundation.
Father God please help Roberta to come to the point in her life when she knows that YOU are the rudder that is steering her thru life, and that YOU are her Firm Foundation. Help her to once and for all deal w/the past issues that are still affecting her present. May she become as one who has ‘set her face’ toward YOU alone. Father grow her into full godly Christian maturity; bring mature people around her to show her by example and word, draw her so tightly into YOUR embrace that she can never let go and above all else cause her to see who she is thru YOUR eyes of love. Cause her to see with great joy and awe, yet with humility, who YOU created her to be. And show her the paths YOU desire her to walk; the habits YOU require that she allow YOU to remold and change. Grow her up Lord God into the Woman Who Loves YOU and to all YOU created her to be. In Jesus name I ask these things and SO much more. Amen and amen!
Andi
Roberta….I know the pain of rejection and sexual abuse….I understand your pain and loneliness. For me, it didn’t matter that I was surrounded by family and friends….it seemed I was in my own world…my own black hole. I used to describe feeling like a astronaut…outside the mother ship with my lifeline attached. I saw myself detaching from the ship, floating helplessly and hopelessly into darkness. I felt sure I would never again see light…
I went through most of my life lost and lonely….feeling ugly, dirty and rejected. I covered upmy emptiness, even married and had children. By the time, I was 45 tho……everything…all the memories, the feelings, swarmed me…and I even re-lived some of the things done to me as a child. Hospitalized for over 30 days…..and after 4 years of intense therapy…..I was considered stable. I convinced myself that I was….and tried to live like it… before family and friends….as a happy, well adjusted woman. I thought I had forgiven….prayed and gave it to God many times..but the wounds just weren’t healed.
It wasn’t until….less than a year ago…..that I was able to move forward. You see, I had prayed….many times, in my prayers and in my mind, left these ugly things at the Cross….and left the one that violated me…at the Cross. I wanted to forgive and move on…but it wasn’t happening. One day, I realized that the shackles had been at my feet for a long time. I just couldn’t step out of them and move forward. I still had anger for what was done to me…anger that was hard for me to understand. At the core of the anger, was that familiar shame. The shame that was put on me…by the one who committed the crime against me.
I cried out to God….Why…and What do I do? In my spirit, I knew the one thing I had never done, was to pray for that person…..pray for that person no matter how I really felt. I began…..and it wasn’t long before the anger began to lift…the shame began to fade. I prayed that that man would find Jesus. I prayed I might have an opportunity to talk to him about his life…not what he had done to me, but his life and his eternity.
A counselor suggested to me…that this man possibly needed to be released as much as I needed to be released from this oppression. I was able to talk to this man….my father, tell him that I loved him and had always loved him….even tho there had been 10 years of estrangement. The look in his eyes said enough. I no longer needed an apology….or for him to admit what he had done. It is then, that I stepped out of those shackles at my feet, and began to move forward…Praise God!
Please know, Roberta…that I join Andi and others here…praying for you.
‘Dear Lord Jesus…..I bring Roberta to you….before Your very Throne…and ask that you would pour down Your mercy and grace at this time. Lord, touch her wounds and begin healing in them. Draw her close to You…..May she feel Your love in a way never experienced. Protect her and provide for her. Give her a peace that only You can give. Lord when she feels alone, may she hide under the shadow of Your wings….and soak in Your Holy presence. Send her a friend…someone she can feel safe and share…Someone whom she can laugh and cry…someone she can share her joys and her sorrows…someone she can pray and be prayed over. Oh God…..move in her life…Oh God, your love is like no other….Touch her, heal her….that she may know the joy of Your love and presence…and that she may minister to others.
Thank you Lord……for Your unconditional love….a love that sees nothing but the heart. I praise You…….oh Lord, I worship You and thank You for what you are going to do in Roberta’s life.
In Jesus Name..
Amen
Roberta and others that are suffering rejection and lonliness…. This is something I wrote ..about 2 1/2 years after my breakdown…..after my world collapsed. I want to share it….as many of us know these feelings….
Is there really unconditional love? If so, why can’t I accept it and why do I always have to be testing it?
What is shame? Why is it a part of me? Why do I know it so well? The word in itself encompasses all bad, evil and destroys. I know where it comes….why then, can’t I shake it? Why does it keep coming back to me…..and in all different disguises.
A mother’s touch……I’ve felt it….I’ve felt her touch to my face. Why can’t I know that just one more time. Seems that alone could heal the pain.
“Aloneness”…….another part of me…..I hate it, try to bury it, try to rise above it…ignore it. It’s just always there. I forget about it …then it pops up at the craziest times. Does anyone know…….really know, this kind of “aloneness”?
June 18, 1998
Sister Gail, I don’t know if you wrote some of the latest entries recently, but wow I feel like God has really been speaking thru them to me (& others of course). Thank you so much for being a vessel of God’s grace, & a reminder of that & His love in our lives (even thru a simple email).
Please continue to keep me in prayer, sisters, as I began my teaching assignment (in NY). Thank you. God bless you.
Ladies, I used to suffer and be bound with an enormous amount of fear, guilt and shame–due to my past. I would go to the Lord, but with head down–like I was underserving of his wonderful grace and love. I faced my fears and shame head-on by admitting that I had these ssues. The Holy Spirit gave me this verse:
Hebrews 4:16 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
I came boldly to the Lord and told him of my struggles. He has freed me and I walk in that freedom today. Remember your worth is found in Christ Jesus-alone. No one can give it or take it away! I pray the peace of God guard your minds and hearts!
thank you for this great devotional i would also like to thank The Lord for sending me the most wonderful careing husband anyone could have. we have been through a lot togather and came through it all with His help
What touching words you have all wrote… I need to read those words of encouragement and healing. My story is different from yours, not one of sexual abuse, but I do harbour resentment and aloness and fear. You see I have always been strong in keeping my Christian values and looking for a man who shares those same values as me and who also has a relationship with Christ. Unfortunately every single guy that I have gone out with ended the relationship with me exactly for those reasons: my relationship with God and my Christian values. Now, once again, I am discouraged and wish I didn’t have this faith in God because I feel like that is what is stopping me from having a man in my life. I feel hopeless and have prayed to God so many nights and have shed so many tears that I don’t know what else to do…. I hate resenting God for my loneliness but I do…..and want to give up waiting on a good Christian man and just settle…..
Dear Alice….don’t give up…..never give up. I felt that way for so long and almost gave up several times. It wasn’t God’s plan for me tho….and it is never His plan for His children.
There were many many mornings, that upon awakening, my heart hurt so…….I remember one spring morning, hearing the birds…and being so disappointed I had again awaken.
I will tell you that the Lord never takes you thru something…that He isn’t right beside you.
The first time I heard these words…….I couldn’t get them out of my mind. I’ve posted them before, but they keep coming to my mind as I read your words.
When I saw what lay before me,
Lord, I cried, What will You do?
I thought He would just remove it
But He gently led me through..
Without fire, there’s no refining..
Without pain, no relief..
Without flood, there’s no rescue..
Without testing, no belief..
Through the fire
Through the flood
Through the waters
Through the blood
Through the dry and barren places..
Through life’s dense and maddening mazes..
Through the pain and through the glory
Through will always tell the story
ABBA GOD!
Whose power and mercy
Will not fail to take us through.”
He will take you thru, Alice. He is faithful….praise God and His grace is sufficient…always.
I didn’t think I would survive those years. I felt certain I wouldn’t…that I couldn’t.
Take His Hand…and walk into the unknown…trusting like a child.
He has a purpose for your life…He has a plan, but we must trust Him.
Dear Jesus…..I lift Alice to You. Lord, you know her struggles….the pain that she carries…the fears….the feeling of “aloneness”. How thankful we are to know we aren’t alone…never, no never.
Thank You for going to the cross…for taking our sins…the sins of the world….that we may have eternal life and intimate fellowship with You. Nothing here on earth..in this life compares to You, Lord. Keep us mindful of that…..In Jesus Name
Alice and others….we cannot give our our email addresses here, but know that their are women on this site, who counsel, mentor and pray. I cannot locate those links at the moment, if someone will post them.
Also, the women who come to this devotional blog are so willing to share and pray. This is a place one can feel safe……
Please know I am praying and will continue to pray…..
Alice I too want to encourage you not to give up, don’t settle for second best. I would just like to share with you that when I was 20 yrs old my husband who was 21 passed away and I had a 10 month old daughter. After a couple of years I badly wanted to get married again and when Lee-Anna was around 3 1/2 yrs old she asked if we could please buy a daddy from the catalogue, oh how I wish it would have been that easy. I began to realize that I had to come to the point in my life where I was willing to say that I would be happy serving God for the rest of my life even if it meant just being Lee-Anna and me and I Really, Truly Meant It. It wasn’t easy coming to that point but I really felt that, that is what God wanted, my all, everything. Next it had Always been a standard of mine that I would Not date a unsaved guy that was just a rule I had as I knew how easy it was to fall in love or at least think you are in love and I could not marry a non christian as I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. Well one weekend my two best friends and I were having this discussion and I just stated that I would never date a non christian and they said oh well you could always get him saved but I said which is easier. You pulling someone up to the top of a table or him pulling you down to the ground? Anyways wouldn’t you know it Monday when I went to work this man game in for some business and we got talking and he wanted to take me out on a date but he wasn’t a christian, But I hadn’t been on a date for over a year!!!! To be honest I thought about it, I really did,but I had to say no and I told him why. Well Praise The Lord when Lee-Anna was 4 yrs old I met my husband. He is a wonderful Christian man and been the man that God knew I needed to stand by me when Lee-Anna got Killed in a car accident at age 15 1/2 yrs, when I came down with rheumatoid Arthritis, Severe Fibromyalgia and Bipolar Depression and was insitutionalized several times and now celebrates with me our two beautiful grandchildren and one due a week today. So Alice God does have a Plan and a Perfect Plan just for You. Someone once told me to think each day I woke up to think maybe this will be the day I will meet my future husband and one day it was and let me tell you it was well worth the wait. Thank You Jesus! Hugs Linda!!!
Gail, thank you for this devotional. as I can see there are a lot of women experiencing difficulties and we see here that we are not alone in these experiences. some situations are different, yes, but in the end we all have a common denomination–harboring in the heart. as I opened this devotional and saw the comments and read each one, the issue i was going to make comment on no longer was an issue in that by being able to respond to this site at all is a start to my healing process. but another way I do find comfort in my healing is by sharing:
”In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”-Proverbs 3:6 and to further tend to my wound I read this poem as well:
Into His hands I lay the fears that haunt me,
The dread of future ills that may befall;
Into His hands I lay the doubts that taunt me,
And rest securely, trusting Him for all.-Christiansen
Anyonymous, God’s speed in NY
Thank you so much, sisters!
In the meantime, I saw this incredible young man today, in person at a church. Here is the link to his testimony (some of you may already know about him). Please be encouraged: http://www.lifewithoutlimbs.org. God bless.
anonymous, thank you for the link. I only pray that one day I could be as strong as this young man. we are all created with many attributes and this young man’s attribute is the size of his heart to live his life the way God has inspired him too.
thank you again